American Dad! (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 18 - Lost in Space - full transcript
Jeff finds himself surrounded by aliens on a ship traveling in space.
_
You're a real alien?
And now that you know,
I have to kill
either you or Roger.
Wait, no one has to die.
I'll just go back
to my home planet.
Jeff, come here, honey.
Aah! No! Hayley!
Jeff!
No!
_
Are you up there, Jeff?
Are you even still alive?
MALE:
Mr. Fischer?
Where am I?
Where?
On the floor.
(laughter)
I'm not supposed to be
on this spaceship.
I need to get back to my wife!
God, talk much about yourself?
I'm-I'm sorry.
Yeah, well you should be.
Anyway, hi, I'm Foster,
head of the Emperor's
Elite Guard.
Come on, let's have a
look-see around the ship.
Welcome to Slave City.
This is where we keep
all of the prisoners
we've abducted from
across the galaxy.
But you're gonna take me
back to Earth, right?
Yeah, this isn't that
kind of slave ship, Jeff.
Where you get to
do things you want.
(blowing haunting tune)
(sobbing)
Hey, don't look so glum.
All the slaves serve
a very important
purpose on this ship.
In the upper levels,
where you'll work to
serve our every desire.
Hey,
another human.
Suck you clean for a dollar.
(screams)
(gentle music plays)
(kissing noise)
(bell dings)
So this ship
is just one big shopping mall?
Exactly.
You see, every time Emperor
Zing visits a new planet,
he picks his favorite
shop or restaurant
then replicates it here.
Want to guess what he considers
to be Earth's greatest
contribution?
Because that's where
you'll be working.
Falafel?
Close, shawarmas.
How weird is that?
He was like so close.
Look, you got to make sure
you leave enough room
for cucumbers and tahini, okay?
Are you listening to me?
I'm sorry, it's just that...
Well, you're Sinbad.
Yeah, I know, so what?
Wow, so this is where you've
been for the last 15 years.
What?
I just got here two months ago.
Oh, sorry.
He's on a spree, he's on
a spree, he's on a spree,
he's on a spree, he's on a
spree, he's on a spree...
Oh, no, no, no, man,
Emperor's on a shopping spree.
Quick, quick, quick, look busy!
Don't look him in the eye.
Three shawarmas, Earthlings,
and don't skimp on the tahini.
This is my treat today, guys.
Seriously,
put your wallets away.
You're gonna love this.
Emperor, please,
let me go home.
I miss my wife.
I love her so much.
Love? Ha!
There's no such thing as love.
It's just a pathetic notion
that you lesser life forms
cling to so you don't feel
so alone.
That's not true.
The love I have
for Hayley is real!
(buzzing, screams)
Do not challenge your emperor.
Or put so much ice
in the drinks.
It already comes out cold.
You're just ripping people off.
Come on, gals.
Oh, man, I'm never going home.
Oh, man, you know, you
probably feel like I did
when I found out they weren't
gonna do Houseguest 2.
It's rough in the
beginning, man.
But you know what,
it gets worse, yeah.
And then you got to live
in your car for a while.
And that's a trip.
And you got to get
used to living outside,
then you got homeless
folks punching your face.
You know, you know,
I might not be the right
guy to help you here, man.
♪
On the house.
Thanks, lady.
That ain't no lady, brother.
Look, she's not even human.
She's a shape-shifter.
She's super horny.
She's hornier than
Kadeem Hardison.
I'm talking when his glasses
were flipped up.
I get off a little later,
if you want to...
get off with me.
No thanks, I'm married.
Did you say you were married?!
Leave us alone, Phil.
Okay, but would you say
you're in love?
Oh, yeah, big time.
Go on, man, get out of here.
What did I say
about boundaries, Phil?
But the kid says he's in love.
He should exercise his right
and take the test.
I told you step off!
My contact!
Well, wait a minute, what test?
Yo, don't worry about it, man.
Just forget it.
Sinbad...
Look, if you can prove that
when the aliens abducted you,
they separated you
from your true love,
well, then they have to
take you back to Earth.
That's great,
'cause I am in love.
Well, a lot of us thought
we were in love, too.
And when you fail
the emperor's test,
they do this.
(gasps)
Uh-huh.
They make you smooth.
And I'm not alone.
We all lost.
Some of us lost less
than others.
You guys just never saw it
from the right angle.
But the love Hayley
and I have is real.
I know it is.
I'm going for it.
I'm taking the test.
(cheering)
Um, I ordered a beer.
I think this is a cider?
Jeff, I'm begging you, man.
Please, man,
don't go out there.
Look, no one has ever passed
the test of true love.
The emperor has a fish tank
filled with our junk.
That thing is just swimming
with junk.
Listen, Sinbad, I love my wife.
I'm gonna go prove it,
and then I'm gonna go home.
(cheering)
(applause)
Jeff Fischer,
you insist you have a right
to be returned safely to Earth.
On what grounds do you base
this preposterous notion?
Um, on the grounds
that when you guys abducted me,
you separated me from true love.
Are you willing to take
the test to prove it?
I am.
Well, okay then,
let's wake up...
the Majestic!
(cheering, whistling)
W-Wait, what?
Well, how do you think
this test works?
I didn't know
what to think, man!
Well, Jeff, our test involves
a creature called the Majestic,
which delves into your memories
of alleged love
and displays them
for all to see.
(evil laughter)
(Wax Fang's "Majestic"
begins playing)
And now to help us wake up
the Majestic,
The Summoner.
(applause)
♪
♪ A sight for sore eyes
to the blind ♪
♪ Would be awful majestic
♪ It would be
the most beautiful thing ♪
♪ That they ever had seen
♪ It would cause such surprise
♪ It would make all
♪ Of their minds electric
♪ How could anyone tell them
♪ That some things
are not what they seem? ♪
♪ In such disbelief
♪ I thought I was asleep
♪ When I met you
♪ My heart liquefied
♪ And I sighed,
"Oh, this must be a dream" ♪
♪ If I forget to set the alarm
♪ And sleep
on through the dawn ♪
♪ Don't remind me
♪ I'd rather be dreaming
♪ Of someone
than living alone ♪
(instrumental interlude)
♪
♪ If you're searching the lines
for a point ♪
♪ Well, you've probably
missed it ♪
♪ There was never
anything there ♪
♪ In the first place.
(melodic whistling)
(music fades)
You call that love?
All we saw were examples of you
being a selfish,
inconsiderate jerk.
You fail.
(cheering)
No, no!
I can love her better.
I can. I can.
Please, please,
just let me go home.
I'm sorry, Jeff,
we can't do that.
And you know the deal.
If you can't prove the love,
you lose your tools for love.
(cheering)
See you tomorrow at 6:00 a.m.
for your smoothening,
Mr. Fischer.
Oh, man,
I'm so not a morning person.
I thought I loved her.
But those memories...
they all happened.
I guess I deserve
to be smoothed.
Well, you still have one
night before they, you know,
make the front of your
underwear roomier.
And I've never been
with a human before.
Sorry, I'm not really
in the mood.
Oh, come on.
Let's give your little
friend a going away party.
I can be anyone you want.
This way it's not even cheating.
Whoa, you look just like her.
Oh, God, I miss you so much.
♪ A sight for sore eyes...
Sorry, that's real
popular here.
(smooth jazz playing)
(moans)
I-I don't know.
I-I'm sorry.
Your wife is a
million miles away
and you still don't
want to hit this?
I mean, come on,
I'm exactly like her.
You look like her,
but you're not her.
I mean, I didn't learn
to read for you,
or stop eating
my scabs for you,
or start to pee sitting down
so I wouldn't wake you up.
You did all those
things for her?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Where were those memories?
The Majestic
only showed the bad times.
But why?
Wait a minute, if I can just
climb down to the Majestic,
I can talk to him.
It's my only chance
to get some answers
and maybe even
get off this ship.
Jeff, that's crazy.
That creature could kill you.
(liquid sloshing)
Hey, can you turn into
a giant pickle
with girly parts?
You're drunk, Toby.
I'm sad, you (bleep) bitch.
(sobbing)
This is a bad idea, man.
Who knows what that
thing'll do to you?
Well, I'm about to find out.
Jeff, wait.
I'm done waiting.
But I didn't tie this off.
(screaming)
The key is to roll
when you land!
I know what I'm talking about!
I did my own stunts
in Good Burger!
(screaming)
(grunts)
I wasn't expecting visitors.
You're the Majestic.
(screams)
The ship's sewage.
Gross to you maybe,
but full of nutrients that I
simply cannot live without.
(slurping)
My memories--
you only showed the bad ones.
Do you hate me?
You must hate me.
Emperor Zing said he'd
blow me into space
if I showed the good ones.
Oh, what you must think of me!
(sobbing)
It's okay.
I know what the emperor
can be like,
and I forgive you.
He wasn't such a bad guy,
you know... before.
Before?
Why, before the heartbreak.
Emperor Zing was in love?
Oh, yes.
Thought he'd met "the one,"
but then he got dumped,
and it devastated him
so completely
he vowed to never love again.
But the pain still remained,
so he started shopping.
Compulsively.
That's why this ship's a mall.
That's exactly right, Jeff.
And when buying stuff
didn't cure what ailed him,
he decided to wage a war
against love.
And that's why he won't let
me show any good memories.
Majestic, we've got
to let everyone know.
Once they realize the truth,
it's sure to spark a rebellion.
Oh, my God, we're
really gonna do it.
What a quick turn for
me, but I love it.
Great!
Oh, hey, but first,
do you have a bathroom?
I got to go number two.
Oh, sorry.
Too crass?
(cheering)
Oh, thank you.
Those boxers were not clean.
(gasps):
The shape-shifter!
(grunts)
(screaming)
(grunts)
Hwah!
Guards, find Jeff Fischer.
I'm right here, dude.
(gasping)
The emperor's been lying
to you all!
True love does exist.
He's just been hiding it.
Show them, Maj!
♪
He's getting away.
Kill him!
There's the escape pod.
Oh, looks like we got
some customers, Jeff.
You boys come
for some shawarma?
Come on, get it.
(war cry)
(crowd clamoring)
MAJESTIC:
There is love in the world.
And you should know.
'Cause you had it!
(screaming)
You know, I was thinking
this weekend
we could go out
with Derek and Tommy.
What do you think?
Honey?
Hello?
(moaning)
Roger?
Oh, my God, okay, wow.
Can we please be grown-ups
about this?
Because I can't.
(sobbing)
You got your heart broken.
That's why you told us
there's no such thing as love.
You lied to us!
(booing)
(driving upbeat music plays)
(gentle melody plays)
(driving upbeat music plays)
(grunting)
(gentle melody plays)
(driving upbeat music plays)
Go on, man, get in.
I'll hold them off.
I'm not leaving you out here.
There's too many of them, man.
It's the only way.
Sorry, that's just
not my style.
(groans)
Aah, my ear! Ow!
Go on, man, get out of here.
You sure? Because I think
I could be a big help.
(screams)
Just go!
And be known as the guy
who left
his number one space bud?
I don't think so.
(yells)
Please!
I cannot afford to keep
paying attention to you.
But...
(screams)
Got it.
Hurry, Sinbad!
Huh? (gurgles)
No!
Jeff, when you get to Earth,
do me this one last solid.
Anything, Sinbad.
Clear my...
Internet browser history.
(groans)
(explosions)
(sobbing)
I'm coming home, babe.
I'm coming home.
GPS VOICE:
What is your destination?
Take me to Earth
so I can be with my beloved.
There are
over 47,000 known earths.
Oh, no.
Start with the first one,
I guess.
You're a real alien?
And now that you know,
I have to kill
either you or Roger.
Wait, no one has to die.
I'll just go back
to my home planet.
Jeff, come here, honey.
Aah! No! Hayley!
Jeff!
No!
_
Are you up there, Jeff?
Are you even still alive?
MALE:
Mr. Fischer?
Where am I?
Where?
On the floor.
(laughter)
I'm not supposed to be
on this spaceship.
I need to get back to my wife!
God, talk much about yourself?
I'm-I'm sorry.
Yeah, well you should be.
Anyway, hi, I'm Foster,
head of the Emperor's
Elite Guard.
Come on, let's have a
look-see around the ship.
Welcome to Slave City.
This is where we keep
all of the prisoners
we've abducted from
across the galaxy.
But you're gonna take me
back to Earth, right?
Yeah, this isn't that
kind of slave ship, Jeff.
Where you get to
do things you want.
(blowing haunting tune)
(sobbing)
Hey, don't look so glum.
All the slaves serve
a very important
purpose on this ship.
In the upper levels,
where you'll work to
serve our every desire.
Hey,
another human.
Suck you clean for a dollar.
(screams)
(gentle music plays)
(kissing noise)
(bell dings)
So this ship
is just one big shopping mall?
Exactly.
You see, every time Emperor
Zing visits a new planet,
he picks his favorite
shop or restaurant
then replicates it here.
Want to guess what he considers
to be Earth's greatest
contribution?
Because that's where
you'll be working.
Falafel?
Close, shawarmas.
How weird is that?
He was like so close.
Look, you got to make sure
you leave enough room
for cucumbers and tahini, okay?
Are you listening to me?
I'm sorry, it's just that...
Well, you're Sinbad.
Yeah, I know, so what?
Wow, so this is where you've
been for the last 15 years.
What?
I just got here two months ago.
Oh, sorry.
He's on a spree, he's on
a spree, he's on a spree,
he's on a spree, he's on a
spree, he's on a spree...
Oh, no, no, no, man,
Emperor's on a shopping spree.
Quick, quick, quick, look busy!
Don't look him in the eye.
Three shawarmas, Earthlings,
and don't skimp on the tahini.
This is my treat today, guys.
Seriously,
put your wallets away.
You're gonna love this.
Emperor, please,
let me go home.
I miss my wife.
I love her so much.
Love? Ha!
There's no such thing as love.
It's just a pathetic notion
that you lesser life forms
cling to so you don't feel
so alone.
That's not true.
The love I have
for Hayley is real!
(buzzing, screams)
Do not challenge your emperor.
Or put so much ice
in the drinks.
It already comes out cold.
You're just ripping people off.
Come on, gals.
Oh, man, I'm never going home.
Oh, man, you know, you
probably feel like I did
when I found out they weren't
gonna do Houseguest 2.
It's rough in the
beginning, man.
But you know what,
it gets worse, yeah.
And then you got to live
in your car for a while.
And that's a trip.
And you got to get
used to living outside,
then you got homeless
folks punching your face.
You know, you know,
I might not be the right
guy to help you here, man.
♪
On the house.
Thanks, lady.
That ain't no lady, brother.
Look, she's not even human.
She's a shape-shifter.
She's super horny.
She's hornier than
Kadeem Hardison.
I'm talking when his glasses
were flipped up.
I get off a little later,
if you want to...
get off with me.
No thanks, I'm married.
Did you say you were married?!
Leave us alone, Phil.
Okay, but would you say
you're in love?
Oh, yeah, big time.
Go on, man, get out of here.
What did I say
about boundaries, Phil?
But the kid says he's in love.
He should exercise his right
and take the test.
I told you step off!
My contact!
Well, wait a minute, what test?
Yo, don't worry about it, man.
Just forget it.
Sinbad...
Look, if you can prove that
when the aliens abducted you,
they separated you
from your true love,
well, then they have to
take you back to Earth.
That's great,
'cause I am in love.
Well, a lot of us thought
we were in love, too.
And when you fail
the emperor's test,
they do this.
(gasps)
Uh-huh.
They make you smooth.
And I'm not alone.
We all lost.
Some of us lost less
than others.
You guys just never saw it
from the right angle.
But the love Hayley
and I have is real.
I know it is.
I'm going for it.
I'm taking the test.
(cheering)
Um, I ordered a beer.
I think this is a cider?
Jeff, I'm begging you, man.
Please, man,
don't go out there.
Look, no one has ever passed
the test of true love.
The emperor has a fish tank
filled with our junk.
That thing is just swimming
with junk.
Listen, Sinbad, I love my wife.
I'm gonna go prove it,
and then I'm gonna go home.
(cheering)
(applause)
Jeff Fischer,
you insist you have a right
to be returned safely to Earth.
On what grounds do you base
this preposterous notion?
Um, on the grounds
that when you guys abducted me,
you separated me from true love.
Are you willing to take
the test to prove it?
I am.
Well, okay then,
let's wake up...
the Majestic!
(cheering, whistling)
W-Wait, what?
Well, how do you think
this test works?
I didn't know
what to think, man!
Well, Jeff, our test involves
a creature called the Majestic,
which delves into your memories
of alleged love
and displays them
for all to see.
(evil laughter)
(Wax Fang's "Majestic"
begins playing)
And now to help us wake up
the Majestic,
The Summoner.
(applause)
♪
♪ A sight for sore eyes
to the blind ♪
♪ Would be awful majestic
♪ It would be
the most beautiful thing ♪
♪ That they ever had seen
♪ It would cause such surprise
♪ It would make all
♪ Of their minds electric
♪ How could anyone tell them
♪ That some things
are not what they seem? ♪
♪ In such disbelief
♪ I thought I was asleep
♪ When I met you
♪ My heart liquefied
♪ And I sighed,
"Oh, this must be a dream" ♪
♪ If I forget to set the alarm
♪ And sleep
on through the dawn ♪
♪ Don't remind me
♪ I'd rather be dreaming
♪ Of someone
than living alone ♪
(instrumental interlude)
♪
♪ If you're searching the lines
for a point ♪
♪ Well, you've probably
missed it ♪
♪ There was never
anything there ♪
♪ In the first place.
(melodic whistling)
(music fades)
You call that love?
All we saw were examples of you
being a selfish,
inconsiderate jerk.
You fail.
(cheering)
No, no!
I can love her better.
I can. I can.
Please, please,
just let me go home.
I'm sorry, Jeff,
we can't do that.
And you know the deal.
If you can't prove the love,
you lose your tools for love.
(cheering)
See you tomorrow at 6:00 a.m.
for your smoothening,
Mr. Fischer.
Oh, man,
I'm so not a morning person.
I thought I loved her.
But those memories...
they all happened.
I guess I deserve
to be smoothed.
Well, you still have one
night before they, you know,
make the front of your
underwear roomier.
And I've never been
with a human before.
Sorry, I'm not really
in the mood.
Oh, come on.
Let's give your little
friend a going away party.
I can be anyone you want.
This way it's not even cheating.
Whoa, you look just like her.
Oh, God, I miss you so much.
♪ A sight for sore eyes...
Sorry, that's real
popular here.
(smooth jazz playing)
(moans)
I-I don't know.
I-I'm sorry.
Your wife is a
million miles away
and you still don't
want to hit this?
I mean, come on,
I'm exactly like her.
You look like her,
but you're not her.
I mean, I didn't learn
to read for you,
or stop eating
my scabs for you,
or start to pee sitting down
so I wouldn't wake you up.
You did all those
things for her?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Where were those memories?
The Majestic
only showed the bad times.
But why?
Wait a minute, if I can just
climb down to the Majestic,
I can talk to him.
It's my only chance
to get some answers
and maybe even
get off this ship.
Jeff, that's crazy.
That creature could kill you.
(liquid sloshing)
Hey, can you turn into
a giant pickle
with girly parts?
You're drunk, Toby.
I'm sad, you (bleep) bitch.
(sobbing)
This is a bad idea, man.
Who knows what that
thing'll do to you?
Well, I'm about to find out.
Jeff, wait.
I'm done waiting.
But I didn't tie this off.
(screaming)
The key is to roll
when you land!
I know what I'm talking about!
I did my own stunts
in Good Burger!
(screaming)
(grunts)
I wasn't expecting visitors.
You're the Majestic.
(screams)
The ship's sewage.
Gross to you maybe,
but full of nutrients that I
simply cannot live without.
(slurping)
My memories--
you only showed the bad ones.
Do you hate me?
You must hate me.
Emperor Zing said he'd
blow me into space
if I showed the good ones.
Oh, what you must think of me!
(sobbing)
It's okay.
I know what the emperor
can be like,
and I forgive you.
He wasn't such a bad guy,
you know... before.
Before?
Why, before the heartbreak.
Emperor Zing was in love?
Oh, yes.
Thought he'd met "the one,"
but then he got dumped,
and it devastated him
so completely
he vowed to never love again.
But the pain still remained,
so he started shopping.
Compulsively.
That's why this ship's a mall.
That's exactly right, Jeff.
And when buying stuff
didn't cure what ailed him,
he decided to wage a war
against love.
And that's why he won't let
me show any good memories.
Majestic, we've got
to let everyone know.
Once they realize the truth,
it's sure to spark a rebellion.
Oh, my God, we're
really gonna do it.
What a quick turn for
me, but I love it.
Great!
Oh, hey, but first,
do you have a bathroom?
I got to go number two.
Oh, sorry.
Too crass?
(cheering)
Oh, thank you.
Those boxers were not clean.
(gasps):
The shape-shifter!
(grunts)
(screaming)
(grunts)
Hwah!
Guards, find Jeff Fischer.
I'm right here, dude.
(gasping)
The emperor's been lying
to you all!
True love does exist.
He's just been hiding it.
Show them, Maj!
♪
He's getting away.
Kill him!
There's the escape pod.
Oh, looks like we got
some customers, Jeff.
You boys come
for some shawarma?
Come on, get it.
(war cry)
(crowd clamoring)
MAJESTIC:
There is love in the world.
And you should know.
'Cause you had it!
(screaming)
You know, I was thinking
this weekend
we could go out
with Derek and Tommy.
What do you think?
Honey?
Hello?
(moaning)
Roger?
Oh, my God, okay, wow.
Can we please be grown-ups
about this?
Because I can't.
(sobbing)
You got your heart broken.
That's why you told us
there's no such thing as love.
You lied to us!
(booing)
(driving upbeat music plays)
(gentle melody plays)
(driving upbeat music plays)
(grunting)
(gentle melody plays)
(driving upbeat music plays)
Go on, man, get in.
I'll hold them off.
I'm not leaving you out here.
There's too many of them, man.
It's the only way.
Sorry, that's just
not my style.
(groans)
Aah, my ear! Ow!
Go on, man, get out of here.
You sure? Because I think
I could be a big help.
(screams)
Just go!
And be known as the guy
who left
his number one space bud?
I don't think so.
(yells)
Please!
I cannot afford to keep
paying attention to you.
But...
(screams)
Got it.
Hurry, Sinbad!
Huh? (gurgles)
No!
Jeff, when you get to Earth,
do me this one last solid.
Anything, Sinbad.
Clear my...
Internet browser history.
(groans)
(explosions)
(sobbing)
I'm coming home, babe.
I'm coming home.
GPS VOICE:
What is your destination?
Take me to Earth
so I can be with my beloved.
There are
over 47,000 known earths.
Oh, no.
Start with the first one,
I guess.