American Dad! (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 17 - The Full Cognitive Redaction of Avery Bullock by the Coward Stan Smith - full transcript
Stan becomes Agent Bullock's new protege.
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA!
I'm telling you,
it's like this big.
Well, I'd really
like to see it sometime.
BULLOCK:
Quiet, please.
Although I won my battle
with breast cancer,
it got me thinking, "Who will
take my place when I'm gone?"
In that spirit, I've
decided to select a protégé.
Someone to whom I can impart
all of my knowledge and wisdom.
Someone I like very much.
Dick...
Yes!
...would be the last person
I would choose.
(laughter)
You're always making fun of me.
Words hurt, you know.
Oh, Dick, get a firm
grip on yourself.
(laughing)
You'll be sorry one day.
(crying)
Anywhoozles, please
put your hands together
for my real protégé, a man
who served his country well,
and has been loyal
to the very end.
Pick me, pick me, pick me.
Agent Stan Smith.
Oh, my God, it happened!
BOTH:
A one, two, three, four.
(upbeat swing music plays)
BULLOCK:
Smith?
Smith?
Smith!
Do you want to be
my protégé or not?
Yes, sir.
Good. Hit it.
(upbeat swing music plays)
What are you doing, Stan?
I'm waiting for Bullock
to pick me up for work.
I left my car at the
office last night.
He took me out on his
boat and we got wasted.
I'm talking boat wasted.
Oh, good for you, honey.
Yeah, I don't really feel
comfortable asking him.
Sorry?
You're asking to
go on his boat.
No, I just said,
"Good for you."
And I told you I'm not
comfortable asking.
(car horn honking)
(gasps)
Whoa, you got a Lambo?
You know it.
That's the sweetest thing ever.
You want to drive?
Shut the hell up.
(engine starting)
I'm aroused.
Don't tell me, tell the car.
I'm aroused.
So is she.
Careful, she's a squirter.
Always make sure the tops up
before you clean the windows.
Now you know.
That's how you mentor.
Did you guys hear
about the new kid?
Yeah, I heard he likes
to kick people's asses.
I wouldn't talk about
the new kid if I were you.
He just beat up a teacher
for saying his name.
What did you do?
What?
Oh, no, no, no,
that's from home.
My mom's an alcoholic.
Oh. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
We got to steer clear
of this new guy, fellas.
Kids like us don't
need bully trouble.
That's the bully
the back of my hand
is in the crotch of, isn't it?
Friday, 3:00,
I'm gonna kick your ass.
You'll forget it if
it's not written down.
I know you.
Look at this dill-bag.
Quick, Smith, do that
funny thing I taught you.
(both laughing)
You dropped all
your high-tech gear.
You nerd.
Why can't you ever
just leave me alone
and let me do my work?
I don't know, Dick.
Maybe because
your name is Dick?
(crying)
Oh, great.
It's Agent Crisp
and his pack of goons.
Who's Agent Crisp?
He's from Internal Affairs.
I've never trusted this guy.
Agent Stan Smith, can I
speak to you in private?
They go this way? Thanks.
My intel shows that you're
Bullock's new protégé,
which is why I'm entrusting
you with a top-secret mission.
Wait, what's going on?
Bullock has recently
showed signs of dementia.
It's protocol
in these situations
to administer a full
cognitive redaction.
Whoa, whoa, you mean
erase his memory?
The way you did with
Deputy Director Milbrook?
It's for the safety
of this country.
And as you can see,
Milbrook is fine.
Look at that smiling face.
There must be a mistake.
There's no way
he's got dementia.
This isn't a request.
Bring Bullock to the old
Lanceton Ice Factory
tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.
That's an order.
(panting)
The light went out
in the bathroom.
I was so scared.
Roger, I need your help!
There's a big,
crazy guy at school
who wants to beat
the crap out of me.
(breathes deeply)
I'm listening.
We're supposed
to fight Friday at 3:00.
I-I only have two days
to find a way out of it.
I know a guy
who loves a good fight.
I'll give him a call,
he'll take care of your problem.
Oh, thank you.
Wait, the guy's not
going to be you, is he?
No, I promise.
'Cause a lot of times when
you say you "know a guy,"
you're really just
talking about yourself.
Fine, it was going to be me,
but since you're making
a big deal about it,
I'll call somebody else, okay?
Stop figuring out my tricks.
Aah!
(gasps)
My model plane!
(horn beeps)
Hey, this is a nice surprise.
As your protégé, I figured
everything is an opportunity
to learn... or something.
Well, perhaps the first deuce
of wisdom I'll drop on you
is that the CIA
is back the other way.
Actually, I-I was thinking maybe
we could take the scenic route.
A country drive.
In that case, do you mind
if open the window
and have a whistle?
Sure, sir.
Whistle away.
(whistling)
(whistling continues)
That's the longest
I've ever whistled.
That's the longest I've ever
listened to someone whistle.
You know, Stan,
I was going to wait
until lunch to give you this.
I've never let anyone taste
my signature sandwich...
until now.
Oh, sir, I-I'm
not really hungry.
Come on, take a bite.
I made it just for you.
Mmm, mmm.
Oh, man, that's amazing.
I'll text you
the recipe right now.
(phone beeps)
Sir, I just want you to know,
these last few days, you've...
taught me so much.
Please, passing on knowledge
is what keeps me going
at this age.
When I've got nothing
left to teach, I'm done.
Just dress me up,
give me a cigar
and put one in the back
of my head.
Then call my son and tell him
you just killed his Daddy.
He'll know what it means.
Crisp?
Stan, what's going on?
I'm... I'm sorry, sir.
(pumps shotgun)
I never should have
brought you here.
Hold on.
Guys, I'm backing up here.
Cut it all the way...
You got to trust me,
I'm right here.
Keep it coming.
I'm looking at it,
bring it back.
You got it.
STAN:
Okay, thanks.
Smith, what is happening?
Crisp said you had
dementia, so they wanted
to retire you and
erase your memory.
Dementia? That's insane.
Wait, Crisp?
That bastard.
He's finally making his move.
What?
He's had it out for me ever since I stumbled
onto a conspiracy
he's involved in.
Conspiracy?
Yes!
He must know I'm close
to finding evidence
that'll expose him.
We have to get a hold
of that evidence.
(phone rings)
It's Crisp.
What do I do?
You slide to answer.
Agent Crisp, I'm sorry,
but Bullock's fine.
I'm not bringing him in.
Now what?
Push "end call."
Push "end call."
Ah, I'm so sorry
to involve you in this.
Hey, we stick together
like Batman and Robin.
Except in the
Christopher Nolan movies.
What is that guy's problem?
He's quietly blowing
the whole franchise.
(whistles)
Steve, you seem
pretty chipper for a guy
who's going to get destroyed
by Luiz Ramirez tomorrow.
Actually, Snotters,
I've got a guy
who's going
to sort everything out.
That must be my guy now.
♪ Stelio
Hey, it's Stelio.
I know this guy.
He's my dad's old bully.
♪ Stelio Kontos
Hey, did Roger send you?
Okay, so his name's Luiz...
Ow, what are you doing?
Oh, my God!
Ooh!
♪ Stelio Kontos
Hello.
What the hell, Roger?
Your guy is supposed
to beat up my guy.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
See, my guy beats you up now
and then your guy won't
want to fight you tomorrow.
Bullies hate sloppy seconds.
♪ Stelio
♪ Stelio Kontos
♪ Stelio
♪ Stelio Kontos
♪ Stelio
That's you.
That's him.
♪ Stelio Kontos.
I've got a safe room where
we can plan our next move.
Impressive.
It's fun, I like it.
Listen close, Stan.
Several years ago, I discovered
that a network of high-level,
rogue government agents,
including Crisp,
were in bed with big oil.
They were working
together to suppress
production of a new
device that converts
everyday household liquids
into viable fuels.
STAN:
Whoa.
BULLOCK:
I know, right?
Civilians were killed,
research facilities burned
and all of the existing
fuel converters destroyed.
All of them...
except one.
And... it's... missing.
Your breath is warm in my ear.
We have to find that converter!
That's how we clear your name!
Lemonade!
Um, Stan, men have
been calling for you.
They said you were supposed
to bring Bullock in.
It's a conspiracy.
They want us to think
Bullock is insane,
but he's never made more sense.
We have to go see
Kevin Costner.
I'm sorry, what?
Costner?
I'll explain on the way.
Don't tell anyone
we're going to Costner's.
And the lemonade?
Francine, look at me.
This is... the best...
example of terrible lemonade
I've ever tasted.
Throw it away.
Kevin's brother Dan
is a scientist,
and, as you may recall,
was instrumental in providing
a cleanup solution
for the BP oil spill in 2010.
Oh, yeah.
I remember that being weird.
Super weird, right?
Anyway, after the spill,
Dan vowed to end our
nation's dependence on oil.
His company developed
the fuel converter
Crisp so desperately
wants to destroy.
If anyone knows where the
remaining prototype is,
it's Dan Costner.
Unfortunately,
he's been missing for months.
(doorbell rings)
Right now,
Kevin is our only lead.
(doorbell rings)
Huh. Nobody's home.
It's a birthday card to Kevin
from his brother Dan.
"A donation has been made
in your name to the SPCA."
What a lame gift.
A little too lame.
Jinkies! It's a clue!
Are you sure?
The fuel converter's at
the Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals!
Looks like you and I
are going undercover.
BULLOCK: Okay, we wait
for the right moment,
then we sneak right past
the security cameras.
Sir, I don't think we need
to wear dog costumes for this.
Now's our chance. Go!
Like this, Stan.
(barking)
Find that fuel converter, Stan.
It's in here somewhere.
Hey, you're spooking the dogs.
And Angela.
I don't know what they are!
Sir, I'm not positive
Dan Costner's birthday card
was anything more than
a terrible gift
to an incredible actor.
Oh, no?
Ha-ha!
You took a rabbit's
water bottle.
Don't you see?
This is the fuel converter!
This is the device that
will clear my name
and change the world.
I want to believe you, sir.
(gasps)
We're not safe here.
Meet me at my boat in one hour.
(cat meows)
(growling)
(hissing)
(barking)
What am I doing?
I don't have time for this.
Stupid Roger.
I never should have
gone to him for help.
Ah!
No. No, no!
What happened to you?
I got my ass kicked is what.
But I was supposed
to beat your ass.
I don't like sloppy seconds.
It's true,
I've been deflowered.
Hey...
you know who's looking nice
and untouched?
The jerk who did this to me.
You should go beat him up.
Oh, okay.
Great!
Let's go!
(cell phone rings)
Hello?
I checked up on Dan Costner.
He's not the one
that's missing, that's Kevin.
Crap.
And he never invented any
fuel conversion technology.
Crisp was telling the truth.
You have to turn Bullock
over to the CIA.
If you don't,
you're gonna lose your job!
Well, I'm not gonna let
them erase his mind.
Bullock might be a little off,
but he's not dangerous.
Ahoy, Stan.
I stole a nuclear sub.
Uh, I'm gonna have
to call you back.
Ah, Smith, glad
you could join me.
It's time for us to take out
big oil once and for all.
No, we're not after
big oil anymore!
Don't you understand that?
No, I do not!
Come on, Stan.
We start with the
Houston Oilers.
Sir, listen to what
you're saying.
The Houston Oilers
aren't even a team anymore.
That's what they
want you to think!
Set our course for
Houston, Smith.
I'll put on some Midnight
Oil to set the mood.
♪ Out where the river broke
♪ The bloodwood
and the desert oak ♪
Smith!
Ooh!
Bullock is a threat
to this country.
Bring him in at once.
I can't let you turn him
♪into a vegetable, sir.
I'm gonna take him
out with dignity.
The way he wanted.
I'm sorry, sir.
Don't you turn off that monitor!
Don't do it!
At least say good-bye first!
At the very least
you owe me a good-bye.
♪ To pay our share...
(music stops)
I'll tell you, Luiz,
I'm ready for some sweet
revenge on this guy.
That's him, right there!
It's go time, Luiz.
Get hungry.
That boy you beat up--
he was mine.
You owe me blood.
(gasps)
Stelio Kontos.
I can't believe I'm meeting
the great Stelio Kontos
from Klinko's!
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry,
sorry to disturb you at work.
See, it's this stupid kid.
He tried to get me
to beat you up.
Yeah, you're gonna get it, man!
What do you say we beat him up
even worse than he already is?
♪ Stelio
♪ And Luiz
♪ Stelio Kontos
♪ Stelio
♪ And Luiz
♪ Stelio Kontos
They sound good, right?
You know as soon as
they're done recording this,
they're gonna put it
in a boom box
and beat the crap
out of me, right?
Hey, I offered to take care
of your bully problem myself,
but you said not to.
You said find someone real.
Well, look around you.
This is what happens when
you do real things, Steve.
♪ Stelio
♪ And Luiz...
Smith, I'm-I'm...
I'm looking for a message
from Costner in this sandwich.
All I find is cheese, and beef,
and cucumber, and
pickle and mayonnaise.
No message.
Here's a message, sir.
It says I'm supposed to give you
the best day of your life.
Really?
It sure does.
♪
♪
Stan, tell me about
the Costners again.
Oh, the Costners are wonderful,
kind people, sir.
Oh, yes.
Yes, they are.
Tell me,
do they ever mention me?
All the time, sir.
(laughs giddily)
They've invited you to a
big party they're throwing.
Oh, that sounds sublime.
I'll bring you along
and introduce you
to all the important people.
Thank you.
But I can't go
with you to this party.
Good-bye, sir.
(gunshot echoes)
It's not fair!
A protégé should never have
to shoot his mentor in the head
on such a beautiful day!
Ah, who did this?
(moans softly)
What are you
shouting about, Smith?
Sir!
You're alive!
But... how?
Looks like a CIA
brain-scrambling device.
This is Dick's handiwork.
(chuckles)
Guess he finally had enough
of my ribbing and got me good.
I can't believe it.
You're okay.
Crisp doesn't need
to erase your memory anymore.
He wanted to erase my memory?
Yeah, but don't worry,
I wasn't gonna let that happen.
Fool!
Your job is to follow
CIA protocol.
That's day one, bro.
Did I teach you nothing?
But he was gonna turn you
into a vegetable.
You don't work for me,
you moron.
You work for your country.
Did you let me steal
an armed nuclear sub?
Yes.
You're a horrible
protégé, Stan.
I'm giving you
the biggest demotion
in the history of jobs.
I mean, come on,
that's just gay.
♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA!
I'm telling you,
it's like this big.
Well, I'd really
like to see it sometime.
BULLOCK:
Quiet, please.
Although I won my battle
with breast cancer,
it got me thinking, "Who will
take my place when I'm gone?"
In that spirit, I've
decided to select a protégé.
Someone to whom I can impart
all of my knowledge and wisdom.
Someone I like very much.
Dick...
Yes!
...would be the last person
I would choose.
(laughter)
You're always making fun of me.
Words hurt, you know.
Oh, Dick, get a firm
grip on yourself.
(laughing)
You'll be sorry one day.
(crying)
Anywhoozles, please
put your hands together
for my real protégé, a man
who served his country well,
and has been loyal
to the very end.
Pick me, pick me, pick me.
Agent Stan Smith.
Oh, my God, it happened!
BOTH:
A one, two, three, four.
(upbeat swing music plays)
BULLOCK:
Smith?
Smith?
Smith!
Do you want to be
my protégé or not?
Yes, sir.
Good. Hit it.
(upbeat swing music plays)
What are you doing, Stan?
I'm waiting for Bullock
to pick me up for work.
I left my car at the
office last night.
He took me out on his
boat and we got wasted.
I'm talking boat wasted.
Oh, good for you, honey.
Yeah, I don't really feel
comfortable asking him.
Sorry?
You're asking to
go on his boat.
No, I just said,
"Good for you."
And I told you I'm not
comfortable asking.
(car horn honking)
(gasps)
Whoa, you got a Lambo?
You know it.
That's the sweetest thing ever.
You want to drive?
Shut the hell up.
(engine starting)
I'm aroused.
Don't tell me, tell the car.
I'm aroused.
So is she.
Careful, she's a squirter.
Always make sure the tops up
before you clean the windows.
Now you know.
That's how you mentor.
Did you guys hear
about the new kid?
Yeah, I heard he likes
to kick people's asses.
I wouldn't talk about
the new kid if I were you.
He just beat up a teacher
for saying his name.
What did you do?
What?
Oh, no, no, no,
that's from home.
My mom's an alcoholic.
Oh. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
We got to steer clear
of this new guy, fellas.
Kids like us don't
need bully trouble.
That's the bully
the back of my hand
is in the crotch of, isn't it?
Friday, 3:00,
I'm gonna kick your ass.
You'll forget it if
it's not written down.
I know you.
Look at this dill-bag.
Quick, Smith, do that
funny thing I taught you.
(both laughing)
You dropped all
your high-tech gear.
You nerd.
Why can't you ever
just leave me alone
and let me do my work?
I don't know, Dick.
Maybe because
your name is Dick?
(crying)
Oh, great.
It's Agent Crisp
and his pack of goons.
Who's Agent Crisp?
He's from Internal Affairs.
I've never trusted this guy.
Agent Stan Smith, can I
speak to you in private?
They go this way? Thanks.
My intel shows that you're
Bullock's new protégé,
which is why I'm entrusting
you with a top-secret mission.
Wait, what's going on?
Bullock has recently
showed signs of dementia.
It's protocol
in these situations
to administer a full
cognitive redaction.
Whoa, whoa, you mean
erase his memory?
The way you did with
Deputy Director Milbrook?
It's for the safety
of this country.
And as you can see,
Milbrook is fine.
Look at that smiling face.
There must be a mistake.
There's no way
he's got dementia.
This isn't a request.
Bring Bullock to the old
Lanceton Ice Factory
tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.
That's an order.
(panting)
The light went out
in the bathroom.
I was so scared.
Roger, I need your help!
There's a big,
crazy guy at school
who wants to beat
the crap out of me.
(breathes deeply)
I'm listening.
We're supposed
to fight Friday at 3:00.
I-I only have two days
to find a way out of it.
I know a guy
who loves a good fight.
I'll give him a call,
he'll take care of your problem.
Oh, thank you.
Wait, the guy's not
going to be you, is he?
No, I promise.
'Cause a lot of times when
you say you "know a guy,"
you're really just
talking about yourself.
Fine, it was going to be me,
but since you're making
a big deal about it,
I'll call somebody else, okay?
Stop figuring out my tricks.
Aah!
(gasps)
My model plane!
(horn beeps)
Hey, this is a nice surprise.
As your protégé, I figured
everything is an opportunity
to learn... or something.
Well, perhaps the first deuce
of wisdom I'll drop on you
is that the CIA
is back the other way.
Actually, I-I was thinking maybe
we could take the scenic route.
A country drive.
In that case, do you mind
if open the window
and have a whistle?
Sure, sir.
Whistle away.
(whistling)
(whistling continues)
That's the longest
I've ever whistled.
That's the longest I've ever
listened to someone whistle.
You know, Stan,
I was going to wait
until lunch to give you this.
I've never let anyone taste
my signature sandwich...
until now.
Oh, sir, I-I'm
not really hungry.
Come on, take a bite.
I made it just for you.
Mmm, mmm.
Oh, man, that's amazing.
I'll text you
the recipe right now.
(phone beeps)
Sir, I just want you to know,
these last few days, you've...
taught me so much.
Please, passing on knowledge
is what keeps me going
at this age.
When I've got nothing
left to teach, I'm done.
Just dress me up,
give me a cigar
and put one in the back
of my head.
Then call my son and tell him
you just killed his Daddy.
He'll know what it means.
Crisp?
Stan, what's going on?
I'm... I'm sorry, sir.
(pumps shotgun)
I never should have
brought you here.
Hold on.
Guys, I'm backing up here.
Cut it all the way...
You got to trust me,
I'm right here.
Keep it coming.
I'm looking at it,
bring it back.
You got it.
STAN:
Okay, thanks.
Smith, what is happening?
Crisp said you had
dementia, so they wanted
to retire you and
erase your memory.
Dementia? That's insane.
Wait, Crisp?
That bastard.
He's finally making his move.
What?
He's had it out for me ever since I stumbled
onto a conspiracy
he's involved in.
Conspiracy?
Yes!
He must know I'm close
to finding evidence
that'll expose him.
We have to get a hold
of that evidence.
(phone rings)
It's Crisp.
What do I do?
You slide to answer.
Agent Crisp, I'm sorry,
but Bullock's fine.
I'm not bringing him in.
Now what?
Push "end call."
Push "end call."
Ah, I'm so sorry
to involve you in this.
Hey, we stick together
like Batman and Robin.
Except in the
Christopher Nolan movies.
What is that guy's problem?
He's quietly blowing
the whole franchise.
(whistles)
Steve, you seem
pretty chipper for a guy
who's going to get destroyed
by Luiz Ramirez tomorrow.
Actually, Snotters,
I've got a guy
who's going
to sort everything out.
That must be my guy now.
♪ Stelio
Hey, it's Stelio.
I know this guy.
He's my dad's old bully.
♪ Stelio Kontos
Hey, did Roger send you?
Okay, so his name's Luiz...
Ow, what are you doing?
Oh, my God!
Ooh!
♪ Stelio Kontos
Hello.
What the hell, Roger?
Your guy is supposed
to beat up my guy.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
See, my guy beats you up now
and then your guy won't
want to fight you tomorrow.
Bullies hate sloppy seconds.
♪ Stelio
♪ Stelio Kontos
♪ Stelio
♪ Stelio Kontos
♪ Stelio
That's you.
That's him.
♪ Stelio Kontos.
I've got a safe room where
we can plan our next move.
Impressive.
It's fun, I like it.
Listen close, Stan.
Several years ago, I discovered
that a network of high-level,
rogue government agents,
including Crisp,
were in bed with big oil.
They were working
together to suppress
production of a new
device that converts
everyday household liquids
into viable fuels.
STAN:
Whoa.
BULLOCK:
I know, right?
Civilians were killed,
research facilities burned
and all of the existing
fuel converters destroyed.
All of them...
except one.
And... it's... missing.
Your breath is warm in my ear.
We have to find that converter!
That's how we clear your name!
Lemonade!
Um, Stan, men have
been calling for you.
They said you were supposed
to bring Bullock in.
It's a conspiracy.
They want us to think
Bullock is insane,
but he's never made more sense.
We have to go see
Kevin Costner.
I'm sorry, what?
Costner?
I'll explain on the way.
Don't tell anyone
we're going to Costner's.
And the lemonade?
Francine, look at me.
This is... the best...
example of terrible lemonade
I've ever tasted.
Throw it away.
Kevin's brother Dan
is a scientist,
and, as you may recall,
was instrumental in providing
a cleanup solution
for the BP oil spill in 2010.
Oh, yeah.
I remember that being weird.
Super weird, right?
Anyway, after the spill,
Dan vowed to end our
nation's dependence on oil.
His company developed
the fuel converter
Crisp so desperately
wants to destroy.
If anyone knows where the
remaining prototype is,
it's Dan Costner.
Unfortunately,
he's been missing for months.
(doorbell rings)
Right now,
Kevin is our only lead.
(doorbell rings)
Huh. Nobody's home.
It's a birthday card to Kevin
from his brother Dan.
"A donation has been made
in your name to the SPCA."
What a lame gift.
A little too lame.
Jinkies! It's a clue!
Are you sure?
The fuel converter's at
the Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals!
Looks like you and I
are going undercover.
BULLOCK: Okay, we wait
for the right moment,
then we sneak right past
the security cameras.
Sir, I don't think we need
to wear dog costumes for this.
Now's our chance. Go!
Like this, Stan.
(barking)
Find that fuel converter, Stan.
It's in here somewhere.
Hey, you're spooking the dogs.
And Angela.
I don't know what they are!
Sir, I'm not positive
Dan Costner's birthday card
was anything more than
a terrible gift
to an incredible actor.
Oh, no?
Ha-ha!
You took a rabbit's
water bottle.
Don't you see?
This is the fuel converter!
This is the device that
will clear my name
and change the world.
I want to believe you, sir.
(gasps)
We're not safe here.
Meet me at my boat in one hour.
(cat meows)
(growling)
(hissing)
(barking)
What am I doing?
I don't have time for this.
Stupid Roger.
I never should have
gone to him for help.
Ah!
No. No, no!
What happened to you?
I got my ass kicked is what.
But I was supposed
to beat your ass.
I don't like sloppy seconds.
It's true,
I've been deflowered.
Hey...
you know who's looking nice
and untouched?
The jerk who did this to me.
You should go beat him up.
Oh, okay.
Great!
Let's go!
(cell phone rings)
Hello?
I checked up on Dan Costner.
He's not the one
that's missing, that's Kevin.
Crap.
And he never invented any
fuel conversion technology.
Crisp was telling the truth.
You have to turn Bullock
over to the CIA.
If you don't,
you're gonna lose your job!
Well, I'm not gonna let
them erase his mind.
Bullock might be a little off,
but he's not dangerous.
Ahoy, Stan.
I stole a nuclear sub.
Uh, I'm gonna have
to call you back.
Ah, Smith, glad
you could join me.
It's time for us to take out
big oil once and for all.
No, we're not after
big oil anymore!
Don't you understand that?
No, I do not!
Come on, Stan.
We start with the
Houston Oilers.
Sir, listen to what
you're saying.
The Houston Oilers
aren't even a team anymore.
That's what they
want you to think!
Set our course for
Houston, Smith.
I'll put on some Midnight
Oil to set the mood.
♪ Out where the river broke
♪ The bloodwood
and the desert oak ♪
Smith!
Ooh!
Bullock is a threat
to this country.
Bring him in at once.
I can't let you turn him
♪into a vegetable, sir.
I'm gonna take him
out with dignity.
The way he wanted.
I'm sorry, sir.
Don't you turn off that monitor!
Don't do it!
At least say good-bye first!
At the very least
you owe me a good-bye.
♪ To pay our share...
(music stops)
I'll tell you, Luiz,
I'm ready for some sweet
revenge on this guy.
That's him, right there!
It's go time, Luiz.
Get hungry.
That boy you beat up--
he was mine.
You owe me blood.
(gasps)
Stelio Kontos.
I can't believe I'm meeting
the great Stelio Kontos
from Klinko's!
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry,
sorry to disturb you at work.
See, it's this stupid kid.
He tried to get me
to beat you up.
Yeah, you're gonna get it, man!
What do you say we beat him up
even worse than he already is?
♪ Stelio
♪ And Luiz
♪ Stelio Kontos
♪ Stelio
♪ And Luiz
♪ Stelio Kontos
They sound good, right?
You know as soon as
they're done recording this,
they're gonna put it
in a boom box
and beat the crap
out of me, right?
Hey, I offered to take care
of your bully problem myself,
but you said not to.
You said find someone real.
Well, look around you.
This is what happens when
you do real things, Steve.
♪ Stelio
♪ And Luiz...
Smith, I'm-I'm...
I'm looking for a message
from Costner in this sandwich.
All I find is cheese, and beef,
and cucumber, and
pickle and mayonnaise.
No message.
Here's a message, sir.
It says I'm supposed to give you
the best day of your life.
Really?
It sure does.
♪
♪
Stan, tell me about
the Costners again.
Oh, the Costners are wonderful,
kind people, sir.
Oh, yes.
Yes, they are.
Tell me,
do they ever mention me?
All the time, sir.
(laughs giddily)
They've invited you to a
big party they're throwing.
Oh, that sounds sublime.
I'll bring you along
and introduce you
to all the important people.
Thank you.
But I can't go
with you to this party.
Good-bye, sir.
(gunshot echoes)
It's not fair!
A protégé should never have
to shoot his mentor in the head
on such a beautiful day!
Ah, who did this?
(moans softly)
What are you
shouting about, Smith?
Sir!
You're alive!
But... how?
Looks like a CIA
brain-scrambling device.
This is Dick's handiwork.
(chuckles)
Guess he finally had enough
of my ribbing and got me good.
I can't believe it.
You're okay.
Crisp doesn't need
to erase your memory anymore.
He wanted to erase my memory?
Yeah, but don't worry,
I wasn't gonna let that happen.
Fool!
Your job is to follow
CIA protocol.
That's day one, bro.
Did I teach you nothing?
But he was gonna turn you
into a vegetable.
You don't work for me,
you moron.
You work for your country.
Did you let me steal
an armed nuclear sub?
Yes.
You're a horrible
protégé, Stan.
I'm giving you
the biggest demotion
in the history of jobs.
I mean, come on,
that's just gay.