American Dad! (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 16 - The Boring Identity - full transcript

Francine turns Stan into the perfect husband.

* Good morning, USA!

* I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day *

* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

* And he's shining a salute
to the American race *

* Oh, boy, it's swell to say

* Good...
* Good morning, USA

Aah!

How do you know if it's ripe?

Why, you ask it.

Which of ye be ripe and ready?

* Over the hill
and over the dell... *



Hey, Francine!

Brenda?

Oh, my God, I haven't
seen you in ten years.

Are you still 30?

No, I'm 40 now.

Wow.

And I'm getting married.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, I finally found
a great guy.

He's so caring and sensitive.

I mean, I never would have had
the patience to do what you did.

Oh? What's that?

You remember.

You found that guy
who was an embarrassing jerk



and you were gonna fix him up.

How's that going, by the way?

Oh, Stan?

Meat slap!

He was a little rough
around the edges,

but I smoothed him right out.

Well, why don't you
and Mr. Smooth

come to my wedding
next Saturday?

Oh, uh,

Stan usually coaches
a team of...

inner-city youth...

cancer researchers.

Wow.

Well, if anything changes

and you guys can come,
just let me know.

So, honey,

my old friend Brenda
invited us to her wedding,

and I want us to go, but...

Where's my refill?

I don't even see the waiter.

Probably out back
with a busboy,

smoking a big fat dookie.

Finally! I've been sitting here
like a dry-throated bitch,

you dook fiend.

Stan, the poor guy's
just trying to do his job.

Well, he should do it better.

I do my job right.

I'm always...

taking care of business...

Oh, oh, no, Stan.

Please, please don't.

* They get up every morning

* From the alarm clock's
warning *

* Take the 8:15 into the city

* There's a whistle up above

* And people pushin',
people shovin' *

* And the girls
who always look pretty *

* And I've been

* Takin' care of business

* Every day

* Takin' care of business,
every way... *

Wait, were you trying
to tell me something?

Yes, I want to bring you
to this wedding, but...

* Taking care of business

* And working overtime,
work out! *

Ugh.

Hayley! They have a machine that
lets you make your own soda.

They call it the Soda Squirter.

Can I have $60 so I can buy it?

Of course!

Or, or, just hear me
out here...

I can give you zero dollars,

and you can lick my log cutter.

Oh.

If you want money, get a job.

How am I gonna do that?

I may be able
to help you, Steven.

Roger, what are you doing
back there?

I was on the phone
with my friend Douglas.

He's trying to figure out
what kind of car he should buy.

That doesn't explain why you
were behind the water heater.

It doesn't?

Um, so...

you were saying
you could help me?

Oh, yeah, I have a paper route,

and one of the other boys
was beaten to death

by his mom's boyfriend.

Shall I put in a
good word for you?

Sure!

I got to take this.
It's Douglas.

Hey, Douglas.

A Hyundai?

Are sure you're ready
for that much tail?

All right, lads, now
that we're in the air,

I can tell you our
top-secret objective.

Osama bin Laden.

But, sir, they already got
bin Laden in Pakistan.

Silly Smith. Silly goose.

That was just something we faked
to make the president look good.

But now we've found
the real bin Laden.

He's managing a Doug & Buster's
in Gainesville, Florida.

That son of a bitch!

Stop that, Dick.

It's gross.

Now, I'm sure bin Laden
is heavily guarded,

so expect no mercy
and give none in return.

I'm sorry, sir; we're
closed for the night.

Yeah!

We finally got him.

We're Americans, damn it!

Whoa, check out
that sweet game.

Whoa, dude, that's fast.

Ease off the throttle, buddy.

Seriously, Stan, come on.

You're going too fast, bro!

Stan, it's not funny, man.

Stan!

Aah!

Man down!

Call a medevac!

Call an ambulance!

Somebody call somebody!

Avery, what happened?

He was riding a motorcycle

490 miles an hour
through downtown Tokyo!

Stan,

I'm here, baby.

Who... who are you?

What?

I'm afraid your husband
has amnesia.

Oh, my God!
I know!

He can't remember anything.

I told him he owed me 50 bucks,
and he just gave it to me.

Will he ever get
his memory back?

It's possible.

But he'll be looking to you
for cues to remember who he is.

You really don't
remember a thing?

No. It's all blank.

I don't know who I am.

It's okay.

I'll help you remember.

You are...

Well, why don't
you and Mr. Smooth

come to my wedding
next Saturday?

Meat slap.

You are...

...a caring and sensitive man.

I... I am?

Yes. You really are.

Now you've got to get better,

because we have a wedding
this weekend.

And I'm gonna show you off.

Oh, and by the way,

there's nothing you love
more than foot rubs.

Giving them.

You hate receiving them.

And this is the TV room,

where you love to watch shows
about dancing

and never shows
about World War II.

Francine, you shouldn't mess
with Stan's mind like this.

Butt out, Klaus.

This is my chance to have
a better version of Stan.

One that won't embarrass
me at Brenda's wedding.

So, I'm a nice guy?

Sure doesn't look like it.

Oh, no,
you're a total sweetheart.

Try to relax, honey.

I'm going to teach you

everything you need
to know about Stan Smith...

The new Stan is...

The new Stan is...

And she was all, "You
told that to her face?"

Hmm.
And I was all, "No,

that's why I'm telling you,
so you can tell her."

Oh, mm-hmm.

The new Stan...

Never BMs in the tub.

Mr. Cappelini?

I'm Steve Smith.

Ah, Josh's replacement.
Welcome aboard.

You're gonna ride along
with Roger today

to see how things work.

Come on, rookie.
Stay close, but not too close.

I swerve a lot

because I accidentally bought
prescription sunglasses,

which I don't need, but I'm
too embarrassed to return.

Wow, how'd you afford
such a nice bike?

How does a paperboy afford
anything on the crap they pay?

You bend the rules.

You get extra papers
and sell 'em on the side.

Vacation hold.

You get one of these, toss it,
keep the papers, side-sell 'em.

You see a vacant, sign it up
for a trial membership.

More papers.

Ma-ma-more papers,
ma-ma-more money.

Ma-ma-more money,

ma-ma-more speech therapy.

Pleasure doing
business with you,

Cooper, you sleazebag.

But Roger,

isn't this a little,
you know, unethical?

Do this job like a bitch,

it'll take forever
to get that Soda Squirter.

How soon you want
to be squirting?

I'd like to be squirting
right now.

Okay, let's do it.

There was no reason for him
to be rude like that.

I mean, if you're wearing a
referee shirt in a Foot Locker,

I assume you work there.

Sounds like he had a problem and
he was trying to make it yours.

I could talk to you for hours.

Well, I could listen
to you all day,

so there.

You know what?

I think I'm ready
to go back to work.

Work?
Well, yeah.

I must have a job, right?
Where do I work again?

Sir, this is going
to sound crazy,

but would you pretend...
Okay, yeah, I'll do it.

But I haven't told you...
I'll do it; I'm in.

Okay, uh, my husband, Stan,
has amnesia.

If you could give him a job

and pretend that he's
worked here for a while...

Yeah, yeah, girl, I said
I'm in; let's do it.

Um, okay...

Stan, I'm so glad
to see you, man.

I was worried sick.

I'm sorry.
I-I don't remember you.

What?! Man, we been in the
futon game since '95, dude.

Remember, remember selling
futons to college kids

out of that old truck

you bought from
Leticia's daddy?

Uh...

It's okay. We'll get
you there, Stan.

Delroy is here for you.

I mean, you've always
been there for me, man,

ever since we was kids.

Your mama... God bless her...
she took me in

when my home environment was not
a good situation, you know?

How long do you think
Stan will believe

this malarkey that he's
a futon salesman, huh?

He's gonna remember everything,

including how to schmack you
around the bedroom!

He doesn't do that.

He does in the short stories
I've been writing.

Stan! How was work?

Something just doesn't
feel right.

If ComforTech shipped
those frames last week,

they should be here by now.

Oh, well,
that's the futon game!

Oh, my God,
his new personality stuck!

I've created
the perfect husband!

I can't wait to show him off
at Brenda's wedding!

There's a special place in hell

for people who do things
like this,

right next to the
child molesters

and the sexy children
who seduced them!

Okay, three weeks
of straight hustlin'.

Now it's time to get paid, son.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

$7.32. Here's your cut.

A Canadian quarter?

I thought we were splitting
things down the middle.

Oh, you want a split
down the middle?

Here you go.

You can go. It's green.

Is that really necessary?

A honk's the angriest sound
a car can make.

* And I've been takin' care
of business every day... *

You hate that song.

Are you sure?

It didn't feel that way.

Yep, you hate it.

Um... when you
were a boy,

your father was raped
to that song.

Oh.

This place is so big!

Oh, I hope
no one was injured

during the construction
process.

Okay, we have you in
a garden view room...

Are you sure?

'Cause I thought we booked
an ocean view room.

Honey, please!

There's no need
to make a scene.

Francine!

Brenda!

I'm so glad you could make it!

You remember Stan,

who's now my sensitive,
patient, foot-massaging angel.

Francine...

He's the top futon salesman
in Langley Falls.

And he has the emotional
availability of Tom Hanks

in Sleepless in Seattle.

Francine...!

And he's a great lover.

A gentleman in the streets,

but a thirsty dog
in the sheets.

You are a lucky woman,
Francine.

I have to run and get ready.

See you at the ceremony!

That was really embarrassing
for me, Francine.

What happens in our
marital bed is between us.

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

"Theo, we fit together
like the pieces of a puzzle.

And when that puzzle
is complete..."

Sorry.

"...it is a picture of love."

Take it easy, Stan.

It's just a lame-ass
puzzle metaphor.

I'm not crying
about that, Francine.

I'm crying about us.

What?

This feeling has been
building for days.

And now seeing this couple

that's so clearly meant
to be together,

I realize... we're not.

Stan, honey...

No! We're too different.

You're insensitive and crass

and mean to people
in the service industry.

And Stan Smith is
just not like that!

I'm sorry, Francine,

but this isn't going to work!

I'm sorry.
I couldn't help overhearing.

It sounds like you could use
a little help.

Stan, what are you doing?

I don't think
you're right for me!

And it makes me sad,

and I don't want
to waste these tears,

so I'm watering this plant.

Stan!

Okay, look...

the reason things feel strange
to you is because...

I lied about who you are.

You are my husband,
but you're not... this.

You're actually an insensitive
jerk who works for the CIA.

Is that some kind of joke?

This isn't a time
for humor, Francine.

That comes later,

when Theo's brother gives
his speech.

"...the-the only two words
you need

to know as a husband are:
'Yes, dear.'"

I'm not joking,
Stan! Watch!

I'll trigger
your CIA instincts,

and that'll jog your memory,

like in The Bourne Identity!

Damn it, Stan!

I know the real you
is in there!

Hyah!
Aah!

Oh! Please! Stop hurting my body!

Stan...!

: Then she hit me...
in front of everyone!

That wicked woman!
Do you know she asked me

to pretend I was your friend
since childhood?

Man, like I'd do something
like that to you.

We've been friends
since childhood.

What am I gonna do?!

Listen, Stan, you got
to forget about Francine.

It's a wedding, man.

Have a few drinks, get loose...

Get loose?

Yeah, man!
Before you met Francine,

you were a mack!

I was?
What was my type?

Mature Navajo bitches.

What are you dorks looking at?

Thank you for bringing this
to my attention, Steven.

I had to do what was
right, Mr. Cappelini.

You sold me out?!
You punk!

He was in on it, too...
Mr. Cappelini!

Oh, I know. I've been
following you two for weeks.

What? How?

I'm a fairy...
the last of my kind.

You see, we, the fairy folk

draw our life energy
from human honesty.

And newspapers.

And as you know,
both of those things

are dwindling in the world,

which is why I, and I alone,

am humanity's last hope
for survi...

That's for being confusing!

What have I done?!

I ruined my marriage!

Real Stan would never dance
to this crap.

He'd hate this song.

That's it!

Quit your job.
I'll take care of you.

This song goes out to a man

who deep down inside is
an insensitive son of a bitch,

and he's the only man
I ever wanted.

* They get up every morning

* From your alarm clock's
warning *

* Take the 8:15 into the city

* There's a whistle up above,
people pushin', people shovin' *

* And the girls
who always look pretty... *

Yes, Stan, remember!

Remember...

* Takin' care of business

* Every way!

* Takin' care of business

* It's all mine

* Takin' care of business

* And workin' overtime

* Work out!

Stan? Is that you?

It is!

I...

remember everything!

Oh, thank God!

You lied to me
when I had amnesia!

You tried to change who I am!

His very personality?

His core?

What made him uniquely him?!

Look, honey, I'm sorry.

I thought I could make you
into my perfect husband.

But the truth is neither
one of us are perfect.

And that's okay
because we fit together

like the pieces of a puzzle.

Oh, my God, I get it now.

Brenda, I am sorry.

I said some real nasty
things about your vows.

I... I need to be alone.

Mama, when's Daddy coming home?

Well, honey, probably not before
the futon market cools off.

* Futon World

* Our prices are
from outer space *

* Futon World!