American Dad! (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 14 - Spelling Bee My Baby - full transcript

(upbeat march plays)

♪ Good morning, USA!

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA

(classical music playing)

(hits sour note)

(groans)

Sloppy fingering!



Do it again and this time
make me feel it.

_

Hey, Toshi, my mom's taking
me to get ice cream.

Want to come with?

Hi, Akiko.

Absolutely not!

They're in music lessons.

One of the many extra
curricular activities

that will ensure their entry
into a top university.

They have no time for treats,
or games, or bathroom breaks.

(turns vacuum on)

Oh, come on, Hiko.

Let 'em have some fun;
college is years away.

That attitude is why my children
will attend Harvard



while Steve will be lucky
to be wait-listed

at an online, offshore college.

Oh, you whore.

Check it out.
This is my impression

of Scott Caan holding a violin.

(giggles)

(giggles, stops abruptly)

Come on, Steve.

Let's go get some ice cream
so you can enjoy life.

Are you trying to say
my kids don't enjoy life?

Show them fun!

(playing classical music)

Enough fun!

(groans)

And then she had the nerve

to imply that my kid's not gonna
get into a decent college!

Bonjour, les Papas!

Libby's still doing baby talk?

Francine, she's speaking French.

We need her to be trilingual

so she stands out from
the other applicants.

For preschool?

No, for college.
You gotta start early

if your child is going
to be exceptional.

It's the only way
to get into the Ivies.

But don't worry, Francine.

Hayley turned out fine.

(laughing)

You guys are both bitches!

(door opens)

Okay, we're tied at
200 games to 200 games.

The winner of this will be
crowned badminton champion

and receive the
coveted shuttlecock ring.

(ding)

Line judge, you ready?

Ready.

We've got to find
something you're good at

so you can get into
a decent college!

Now what?

We need a line judge.

(panting):
I'll do it!

(screams)
Hey, how about Hayley?

Hey, Hayley, be our line judge!

Can't! I'm making a landing pad

for when the aliens
bring Jeff back.

Okay, sweetie.

I'm sure by now he's been
dissected for science.

Or for fun.

(to himself):
It's pretty fun.

So tell her she's
wasting her time.

Wouldn't matter if I did.

She's clearly in the first
of the five stages of grief.

Denial.
How do you know that stuff?

Back in the late '60s,
I was porkin' this

unattractive lady scientist,
Elizabeth Kubler Ross.

I dumped her hard for no reason.

Out of nowhere. It was awesome.

Six months later,
she wrote a book

about the grief it caused her.
(wry chuckle)

Anyway, in order for Hayley
to get over Jeff,

she first has to go
through denial, then anger,

then bargaining,
followed by depression,

and finally acceptance.

And then she can
be our line judge?

Yeah. But it could
take years.

Well, we don't have years.

We'll just have to ram her

through the stages
as fast as we can.

Well, Hayley is pretty
easy to manipulate.

I once convinced her
to go to the hospital

by putting a piece
of glass in her neck.

We need to find out
what you excel at!

(wobbly): You're ruining
your own sweater!

I'm Robby!

(playing off-key)

We found it.

We found it!

All right!

But... you're...

Well, what do think?

Will my super realistic
Steve Smith masks

get me into a good school?

Hey, Mom, you want
to help me shower?

You are good at nothing.

But there's still
minority quotas.

Your name is Tatonka.

Now I'm gonna jump online

and buy you a book
on dealing blackjack.

Aah, I can't remember
our Amazon password.

The hint says,
"Loose stool."

Oh, right, diarrhea!

"D"...
um...

Does anyone know how
to spell "diarrhea"?

Why would you pick that word?

It's impossible to spell.

D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A.

Oh, my God, you're right!

Hey, spell...

"Carcinogenic."

C-A-R-C-I-N-O-G-E-N-I-C.

Steve, you're a great speller!

You can win the National
Spelling Bee!

That'll get you
into a top college.

We should probably get
this stuff off your face!

We're down to our
last two students,

Steve Smith and Marty Nipples.

That is some name.

Okay, Marty, you're up.

Spell the word, "Buh-log-na."

Do you mean, "bologna"?

Quit stallin', Nipples.

Uh...

Time's up! Steve?

B-O-L-O-G-N-A.

Winner!

Congratulations, Steve.

You have a skill that computers
have made obsolete.

You did it!

Next stop:
All City Finals!

You were awesome
up there, Steve.

I love watching you spell.

Speaking of spells, I think
you just cast one on me.

(weird, cocky laugh)

(giggles)

My son's gonna win the
National Spelling Bee.

Ha! That's impossible,
because Akiko is going to win.

She's already won at her
private school in Maryland.

And if Steve does
make it to Nationals,

Akiko will be there
to crush him.

No, Steve is gonna be the
one who destroys Akiko.

Your skin is amazing; I
can't tell how old you are.

Two households,
both alike in dignity.

In fair Langley,
where we lay our scene.

Shakespeare, bitches!

(video game beeping)

(shrieks)

No more games!

I talked a lot of
smack to Akiko's mom.

You have to win that
National Spelling Bee

so that you can go
to a top college,

and I can rub it in that
Kabuki whore's porcelain face.

From now on, your
whole life is words.

Hey!

That's how you spell that?

Hayley, I need you to understand
Jeff's not coming back.

(whispers):
Never.

He's trapped in a cage
thousands of light-years away.

(whispers):
So far.

It's hopeless.

We'll never know
what happened to him.

(whispers):
Space rape.

He'll come back.

Okay, we're not gonna be able
to pull her out of denial,

so we're gonna have to
push her right into anger.

Ya!
Ah!

What are you doing?!

Front wedgie!

(screams)

What the hell?!

I will kill you!

(grunting)

We did it!

(groans)

(contented sigh)

AKIKO:
Trouble sleeping?

(shrieks)

Akiko!

Oh, you scared me!

But in a manly way.

You came here to get away
from everything, too, huh?

Yeah.

Spelling can't find us here.

That's so poetic.

Is it?

Yeah.

Ugh, my mom's driving me crazy.

Mine, too.

But it's nice to have

someone who understands
what you're going through.

(moaning passionately)

♪

Well, I should go.

If my mother finds
out I'm gone,

she'll put me on lockdown.

Aren't you coming?

Yeah, I'll catch up.

I'm just gonna sit here a bit
'cause I'm so comfortable.

Just gonna sit here awhile until
my comfortability goes down.

MODERATOR:
Steve, your word is "Montage."

MODERATOR 2:
Akiko, spell "Montage."

M-O-N-T-A-G-E.
M-O-N-T-A-G-E.

Montage.
Montage.

♪ A-B-C

♪ Easy as one, two, three...

♪ Simple as do, re, mi, A-B-C

♪ One, two, three,
baby, you and me girl ♪

♪ A-B-C ♪

♪ Easy as one, two, three

♪ Simple as do, re, mi.

I can't wait to see you tomorrow
night at Nationals.

We don't have to wait.

I slipped my mother
a Tylenol PM.

Let's meet at the Falls
in an hour.

FRANCINE:
Who you talking to?!

Uh, Snot!

Yeah? Then what's this?

Aah, all right, ow!

It was Akiko!

Did you ever think this girl's
just toying with your emotions

to distract you
from your spelling?!

She would never do that.

Her whore mother would!

Steve, if Akiko beats you
tomorrow,

you'll never get
into a good college.

I forbid you to see
that girl again!

If you won't let me
be with Akiko,

then I won't even go
to the stupid spelling bee!

(crying)

What am I doing?

I've completely lost sight
of what's important,

and that's your happiness.

Steve, of course you
can go see Akiko.

Rea-Really?

Sure. Go have a great time
at the Falls, honey.

I-I'm just gonna sit
here for a minute.

Think of grandma in the shower.

Thanks, Mom!

Okay, now we have to
get Hayley from anger

into the next stage:
bargaining.

What's that?

I don't know-- that's why we're
gonna skip that one

and go right on to depression.
Hayley!

What?!

We have a little presentation
for you.

(ukulele intro to "Somewhere
Over the Rainbow" plays)

ROGER:
♪ Oooh...

♪ Somewhere

♪ Over the rainbow

♪ Way up high

♪ There's a land

♪ That I heard of

♪ Once in a lullaby.

(sobbing)

Depression!

Akiko?

Nooooo!

What's the matter, honey?

Akiko blew me off.

She said she had to...

"rethink" her priorities.

And that I'm not
"worth her time."

Oh, Steve,
that's so crappy of her.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

Well, you have two options:

You can fall apart like
a bitch-punk in the street,

or you can Mark Zuckerberg
this thing.

You think?

Yeah.

Any man who ever
did anything great

was just trying to
show up some piece of ass

who didn't give him any.

Excuse me, Mother.

I've got some spelling to do!

Let me out of here!

Not until after
the spelling bee tomorrow.

My boy's going to a good college
and nobody's getting in his way.

I'm not in his way!

I love being with Steve!

Not according to
this note you wrote.

(laughs maniacally)

All right, honey.

Today's the day.

You win this and you'll get
into any college you want.

And I'm gonna destroy
the girl who destroyed me.

R-E-V-E-N-G-E!

Revenge, Mother.
I spelled revenge.

If you say so.
I didn't hear a "J."

Now go sit in the car;
I'll be right out.

Let me out of here!

I'll let you out when Steve's
a national champion.

Here's a Nintendo
to keep you busy.

My mother says
video games are bad for you.

Yeah, well, so is smoking
an eight ball of crack

in 30 minutes, but that's
how long it takes.

I've got half the Yakuza
looking for your sister.

In the meantime, take the
bloodhounds and search the city.

What?

Why do you only speak Japanese?

I don't even speak Japanese.

Just go-- go find your sister.

(phone rings)

Talk to me.

This is your cousin,
Nobu Malibu.

I have a lock
on Akiko's location.

She registered her name
on a Nintendo Wii system.

Give me the address.

(crying)

(excited):
Ninja!

(gasps, scared):
Ninja!

(video game music playing)

(music stops)

Mother?

Scoot back, we have 20 minutes
to get you to Nationals.

(scatting a jazz melody)

(holding a high note)

ANNOUNCER: ...and representing
Kentucky, Brigid Hendricks.

(audience applauding)

From Virginia,
Steven Anita Smith.

(applause)

And from Maryland,
Akiko Yoshida.

(people murmuring in confusion)

Akiko Yoshida.

Miss Yoshida, going once...

going twice...

and...

Hyoooo...

Hyo sheeee...

Look who decided to show up.

It's not what you
think-- your mother--

Your mother!

Steve, let me explain--

Your mother!

I don't want to hear
your lame excuses!

I don't want to look
at your stupid face!

(gasps) Fine.

Forget it, jerk.

I'm taking you down.

I'm already down.

You don't give me comfortability
problems anymore.

ANNOUNCER:
Quiet, please.

Billy Hemphall, your word is...

(laughing)

This is a fight to the death.

There's no way you can beat me.

I'm Asian.

This is my culture.

Oh, Francine, are we late for
our grandson's spelling bee?

No, Mah Mah,
it's right through there.

Wait, you're Chinese?

Hyooooooo!

(both grunt)

I got ninja-darted
in the neck,

and while I was in the void

between this world
and the next,

an overwhelming realization
washed over me that Jeff...

is gone.

And I accept that now.

Great!

I also accept that you two jerks

are the reason he was abducted
in the first place.

And now, I'm taking
your shuttlecock.

She'll be back.

Roger...
I think you're in denial.

No, I'm not.

I hate you!
I've always hated you!

If she brings back
the shuttlecock,

I'll feed the needy, I swear.

Oh, God, I don't think
I can face this.

I don't want to be
around people.

You know what?

It is what it is.

Roger, you just went through
the five stages of grief!

But my species has six stages.

(groaning):
Was that the sixth stage?

Nope.

Francine! Quit playing around
with your friend.

It's down to two kids,
and one of them is Steve.

Is the other one
a Japanese girl?

(deeply):
Oh, yeah.

Bah Bah!

I answered the question.

ANNOUNCER:
Your word is... "chrysanthemum."

Chrysanthemum.

C-H-R-Y-S-A-N-T-H-I-M-U-M.

Chrysanthemum.

That is...

incorrect.

ANNOUNCER: Steve, if you get
this next word right, you win.

You've disgraced yourself
and your family!

You didn't work hard enough!

When I think back
to all the times

I was too lenient with you.

The time I let you
pet that dog!

Well, those luxuries are over!

ANNOUNCER:
Steve, your word is "diarrhea."

Steve has diarrhea.

Steve has diarrhea!

Diarrhea.

D-I-A-R...

Y-O-F-A-M-A-D-B-L-A-C-K-
W-O-M-A-N.

Incorrect.

The word was "diarrhea."

You spelled
"Diary of a Mad Black Woman."

Akiko, you are still
in the competition.

What are you doing?!

I know you know that word!

Akiko needs this
more than I do.

Her mom will hate
her if she loses.

But you, you love me
no matter what.

Sure I was hurt by Akiko's note,

but her crazy, overbearing
mother drove her to it.

You are...
such a good kid, Steve.

And you know what?

I would rather have a son
who's a great person

than a son who goes
to a great school.

I wrote the note
and kidnapped Akiko.

You what?!

I put her in a cage.

Mom, how could you?!

I was so mean to her.

I treated her like all Persian
men treat all Persian women!

ANNOUNCER:
Your word is... "sacrifice."

Sacrifice.

S-A-C-R-I...

K-I-S-S.

Okay, you spelled, "sacrikiss"

while gazing into
that boy's eyes.

What are you doing?

I heard what you said
to your mom.

You deserve to win.

Steve, spell...

"medicine."

Medicine.

M-E-D...

E-A-S-F-A-M-I-L-Y-
R-E-U-N-I-O-N.

Okay, that is
obviously incorrect

because you spelled
"Medea's Family Reunion."

ANNOUNCER:
Okay Steve, the word was "dog,"

and you spelled the entire

Arrested Development song,
"Mr. Wendell."

So... on to Akiko.

Akiko, your word is "A."

Seven.

Okay, that was a number.

It's becoming very clear to me

that I won't be making
my date tonight.

We recently started having sex,
so that would've been fun.

We've got two really
great kids here.

We sure do.