American Dad! (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 15 - The Missing Kink - full transcript

♪ Good morning, USA!

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA

Yeah! Right! Okay!

How good are we at that?

Stan, don't you ever,

well, get bored?

Of rolling this back up?



Yeah, I mean, it's tedious,
but we didn't

spend $8,000 on this thing
not to use it.

What?

No, I'm talking about
the way we have sex.

I mean, it's the missionary
position every time.

Yes, the way God wants it.

Fun fact: The Church
sent missionaries to America

to teach the Indians
the proper way to have sex.

In turn, they taught us
the proper way to sit

when you're in second grade.

But what if we're
missing out on something

we might like even better?

I could bring in
some whipped cream.

Or some jelly.



Jelly?

Do I look like toast
to you, Francine?

Do I inexplicably taste better
when I'm cut at an angle?

Did I take a backseat
to the bagel

in the mid-'90s
only to regain...

All right, Stan.

I'm just asking you to open
your mind to something new.

Here's something new:

How about I don't
pretend to be asleep

when I fart on your leg?

Oh... uh-oh.

Well, these eggs
are uninspired.

Hey, Dad, pass the salt.

Clearly can't reach that.

I'm taking the leaf
out of the table.

Don't take out the leaf, son.

You're scratching
the floors, son.

It's not a
one-man job, son.

Coming to you, Dad.

You better not, son.

Ah, damn it, my only blue suit.

I told you not
to mess with the table.

Now, go to your room.

I do not approve
of your methods!

Stan, must you spank him?

What?
It's not a big deal.

I don't even hit him that hard.

Look, I'll show you.

Oh, my.

What do you mean, "Oh, my"?

It's supposed to hurt.

No, no, it does.
It does.

But show me again
how you do it.

What? I just swat
his fanny like this.

That can't be how hard
you spank him.

Yeah, it is.

It's exactly how hard I do it.

Just like this.

Oh, come on.

No way.

Oh, I don't believe you.

Next on Fox,

another singing contest.

Hi, Hayley.

Oh, why the tears?

I've been on 12 dates
since Jeff left,

and every one's
been a disaster.

I am giving up on men.

Steve, oh...

this could be my big chance.

Snot, you've asked
her out 1,000 times

and she's never once said yes.

You heard her.

She said she's done with men.

You know who that leaves.

Hankie?

Thanks.

Hayley, would you,

the most beautiful
woman in the world,

care to grab a slice of pizza
with me tomorrow night?

Sure, Snot.

Whatever.

How do you like me now?

I did it!

Buddy, your pits.

Yo.

Oh, thanks Roger.

I needed this.

Great beer, by the way.

What is it?

It's this new Imperial
IPA we just got on tap.

Tremendous flavor profile.

Pine, citrus.

Hints of creamy lemon
offset by a layer of sweet malt.

It's not perfect, but
it's a good first effort

from an emerging brewery.

Wow.

I'll take another.

So, how do I tell Stan

that spanking turns me on?

You can't tell Stan.

He's a prude, dude.

I know.

God, he's so repressed.

I just wish I could get him

to try something new
during sex.

Well, there are ways
to get people to do

what you want without
their knowing it.

Are you suggesting I trick him?

Sure, it's easy.

I once got him to drink
my pee by telling him

it was a fancy beer.

What an idiot.

Score?
Ten-nine.

Game point.

Yes.

What the hell was that, Steve?

What?

You didn't check the ball, dick.

Game point,
and you pull that crap?

What's going on out here?

It was game point, and
he didn't check the ball!

You didn't check it up?

Bush league move, bro!

But, Mom, I...

Game point, and you
don't check the ball?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Stan!

What's up, hon?

Steve, tell your
father what you did.

I-I-I-I didn't
check it up.

What?

How many times...
That's it!

Steve, you disgraced the hoop.

Now, take Klaus
and go to your room.

Aah, my ankle!

Stan, from now on,
I'll be taking all

of Steve's spankings
on his behalf.

What? Why?

Because his mistakes are a
reflection on my parenting.

When Steve fails, I fail.

I don't know if that sounds...

And he kept calling
fouls like a bitch.

Oh, well I am
going to punish you

on his behalf for that.

Francine?

What are you...

Have you been setting
Steve up this whole time?

Yes. I'm very bad.

You should spank me.

Why would you do that to him?

Spank me, and I'll tell you.

Wait, you like being spanked?

So much.

Maybe we should just
try it out upstairs.

Listen here, Francine,
this deviant behavior

has no place in our bedroom.

But, Stan...

You made this hand filthy.

The hand I wipe with.

And what's worse
is you tricked me

into being a part of
your sinful behavior.

What are you talking about?

It's not sinful.

Let's see what my
favorite author,

God, has to say about that.

Thou who tricketh thine
husband into sexy spanking

shall be banished to
the depths of hell.

That's not in the Bible.

Let me see that.

Uh, uh...

Where are we?

I'm banishing you
to these woods.

When you've purged your
sick desire to be spanked,

you can come home.

What?

You can't just leave me here.

You've left me no choice.

Hyah!

Francine's been out here
for two days.

I'm sure, by now,
she's ready to repent

for her nasty spanking fetish.

So, Francine, are you ready
to admit you're a sex pervert

so you can come back home
and pick up my ties

off the closet floor?

Sorry, Stan.

The problem isn't
me; it's you.

You're repressed.

And until you open your
mind, I'm not coming home.

Besides, I'm doing
fine out here.

Hmm, not seeing any sage.

Really?

You're telling me the
forest is out of sage?

You're using again, aren't you?

You piece of garbage.

Okay, well, when you
come to your senses,

you know where to find me.

She's right.

You are a piece of garbage.

Turns out it was
another Hayley Smith

and I had gotten
her headband order.

What are the chances?

I got to be honest
with you, Snot.

I wasn't really looking
forward to this night,

but I had a blast.

Well, call the bomb squad,

'cause with the blast I had,
that makes two blasts.

You know, just when I thought

there were no good guys
left in the world,

here you were, right in
front of me the entire time.

I'll call you tomorrow,
handsome.

Oh, my God.

It's really happening, Snot.

Yeah, I'm not really into it.

What?

But you've been obsessed
with her for years.

Thanks for the history lesson.

Oh, my God.

Now that she wants you,
you don't want her.

What do you know?

I guess I'm just more
interested in the hunt.

I'm like a lion who
brings down a zebra,

and then loses
interest and realizes

he has to go home and
take a huge deuce.

Talk to you later.

Hey, bud,
can I get you anything?

Yeah, can I see a bar menu?

Francine's been
gone three days,

and I've eaten
everything in the house.

Hmm, kitchen just closed.

You know what,
it won't be much,

but I can whip you up
a little something.

I think we have a few
duck sliders left over

that I could pair with--
I don't know--

like, a roasted beet salad.

I know we just got
some hazelnuts in.

Maybe we could toast those
with some caraway seeds,

toss it all with
a citrus vinaigrette?

Yeah, sure. Thank you.

You don't really eat it.

You just pretend.

Go like this.

Oh, Roger.

Why can't she just
admit she's a deviant

so she can come home?
Deviant?

Yeah, she wants me to spank
her in bed-- it's sick.

Stan, everyone has something a
little different that they like.

Something a little naughty.

A little kinky.

Not me.

Oh, honey, everyone has a kink.

You just need to find yours.

♪ You're buttoned up and prude

♪ Not an ounce of you is crude

♪ And your tendencies in bed
leave women snoring ♪

♪ But if you look
deep down inside ♪

♪ And put aside
your foolish pride ♪

♪ There are fantasies
and holes that need exploring ♪

♪ Close your eyes and picture
Francine as a French maid ♪

♪ Instead of wearing that same
dress that's sort of pink ♪

♪ Sure, you'd rather be on top

♪ And give three
quick and stop ♪

♪ But I know deep down inside
you've got a kink ♪

♪ You've got a kink

♪ You've got a kink

♪ Don't be afraid to put
a finger in the stink ♪

♪ Though I know
you might be shy ♪

♪ Let me show you
things to try ♪

♪ 'Cause like everyone you know,
You've got a kink ♪

♪ Imagine yourself living
without limits ♪

♪ You've got whips and chains

♪ Who needs a shrink?

♪ 'Cause if you watch me
with the ladies ♪

♪ What we do
won't cause no babies ♪

♪ Take a tip from me
and go and find your kink ♪

♪ You've got a kink

♪ He's got a kink

♪ You've got a kink
♪ He's got a kink

♪ There's so much here to see,
try not to blink ♪

♪ So if you dig
on women's feet ♪

♪ Don't be afraid,
turn up that heat ♪

♪ 'Cause like everybody else,
you've got a kink ♪

Are you getting it yet?

I think I am.

♪ I love sleeping
with Francine ♪

♪ And I'm used to my routine

♪ But you think it may be time
to make a change ♪

♪ So I'll try out
something new ♪

♪ Like when Carradine
turned blue ♪

♪ Who am I to think my wife
is sick and strange? ♪

♪ I've got a kink
♪ He's got a kink

♪ I've got a kink
♪ He's got a kink

♪ Remember what I said
about the stink ♪

♪ So if you like us old

♪ Or fat ♪ Or furry

♪ You won't be judged,
we're not a jury ♪

♪ 'Cause way down deep inside

♪ We've all got kinks

♪ We've got a kink,
we've got a kink ♪

♪ We've got a kink

♪ Yes, way down deep inside

♪ I've got a kink.

I've got to bring Francine home

and let her know
I've found my kink.

I'm proud of you, Stan.

So, which kink is it?

All of them.

Uh-oh.

Oh, you're going to brown up
real nice.

Stan?

Did you just spank me?

Francine, I understand you now.

Sometimes it takes a lavish
song-and-dance number

to make a man realize
he was wrong.

Oh, Stan.

Are you sure?

Yes, but it turns out there's

some stuff I'd like
you to do to me.

Anything. What is it?

It's pretty ambitious,

so we'll need to
gather some supplies.

Great. We can cross
this off the list.

Ugh, your sister is
calling me so much.

I've had to change
the nine-volt

on my phone three times.

I'm looking to upgrade.

Well, you can't blow her off.

Snot, she's in
a really bad place.

I mean bad.

Like Los Angeles
International Airport bad.

Hey, LAX.

You've just been Dadded.

Nobody's safe.

Sorry, man.

I'm just not into her.

Look, if you have
to dump my sister,

just promise me you'll do it

in a way where she
doesn't blame herself.

Sure, I-I get it.

No problem, Steve.

Okay, guys, the weekly meeting

for the All Green Backpack Club

will now commence.

Any old business?

Uh, there was a
motion on the floor

to change the color
of our backpacks

to a darker evergreen.

Denied.

Stan, I'm trying to
stay open-minded here,

but I'm looking at
this list, and...

well, the things you
want me to do to you...

I mean, it's crazy.

There's nothing crazy
about a husband and wife

getting on the same
sexual page, Francine.

Sir, your candle is ready.

This will make a lot
of hot wax, right?

It's the biggest candle
in the world, so yeah.

Oh, Snot, you're here.

Good.

Hey, now that we're an item,

I want to know everything
about your culture.

Oh, and I've been
listening to a ton

of Richard Lewis's
stand-up.

Where have you been
hiding this guy?

Yeah, I don't know.

Hayley, look, there's
something I need to tell you.

I'm...

I'm gay.

What?

You are too funny, Snot.

Now, come on, stop
kidding around and kiss me.

Wow, Snot, I-I'm sorry.

I-I thought you liked me.

This is what he likes.

Hey, Lil, I wanna thank you because
you actually confirmed this for me.

I mean, you're the perfect woman.

And if I can't male it with you, then

I'm just not meant to be with women.

You know what, Snot...

as long as you're happy,

I'm happy for you.

Well, it was the perfect plan.

Nobody got hurt.

Good acting, Barry.

Yeah.

I'm such an idiot.

Such a stupid idiot!

Okay, the prairie
dogs are up there,

and, uh, they're hungry,
like you requested.

Great. Thanks.

Stan, are you sure
you're up to all this?

Francine, don't worry.

If anything goes wrong,

I have comprehensive
butt insurance.

Principal Lewis?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to watch
you two get it on.

Being watched is one
of my kinks, Francine.

And who better
to watch us have sex

than our son's principal?

What's Margaritte doing here?

Don't mind him.
He's my ride.

And his friend.

We have a very
strong friendship.

He's my ride.

Are you ready?

Sounds like some wild stuff
going on down there,

just like you wanted.

No, this isn't what I wanted.

Roger, Stan is...

out of control.

It's like he can't get enough.

I've created a monster.

I was hoping...
afraid this might happen.

We need to shock the beast
back into his cage.

We got to push him
over the edge.

I know what I have to do.

Okay if I jump in, Stan?

Yes, yes! More, more!

Oh, that ain't supposed to be.

Wow.
So we're fully covered?

Yes, ma'am.

This is why it pays to have

top-of-the-line
butt insurance.

♪ Dark Star is there.

Oh, how do you feel, honey?

Not great.

I guess I overdid it with
the whole kinky thing, huh?

Oh, Stan, this is all my fault.

What do you mean?

This was my idea.

You just wanted to be spanked.

No, I pushed you
to do something

you were uncomfortable with,

when I should have
just accepted

that this is how you are.

Sometimes people are
repressed for a reason.

And once you start
to unrepress them,

the floodgates open, and voilà!

I never should have tried
to change you, honey.

I'm sorry.

And don't worry, Roger
will be out of you soon.

They just paged
the Asian doctor

with the small hands.

Well, she's in for a fight,

because I'm starting
to like it in here.

Francine, are sure
you're okay with going back

to our normal sex routine?

You really don't need
to be spanked?

No, honey.

All I need is you.

I am so glad you
joined the team.

What made you finally do it?

Oh, just seemed like fun.

Great game today, Francine.

So glad you joined the team.

Good girl.

That was good play.
Right on!

Way to go!