American Dad! (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - A Ward Show - full transcript

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Aah!

This is Principal Lewis.

I need Steve Smith to come
to my office at once.

Ooh.

Steve, we said we were
gonna be good this year.



We're co-presidents
of the Good Boy Club.

Did that kiss oath mean nothing?

Hall pass, please?

Sure. I got it right here.

Wha-bam.

Oh, dear.

I'll handle this, Jared.

Wha-bam!

That was pretty hilarious, buddy.

I swear, it's like
they're dating now.

They don't pay me enough
to give a damn about that.

Here's the account info
I was telling you about.

My credit's a mess.

I'm in overdraft hell,



and now the bank's telling
me my debit card...

Bri, Bri.
Relax. I got it.

Clara, could you make me
a nice hot chocolate?

Clara,

did you you roll your
god-dang eyes at him?

Woman, I will make you
teach summer school.

I will steal your summer.

First, we move you to a credit union.

Better interest rates.

Ech!

That's how you lose a summer, bitch.

♪ What's that sound? ♪

♪ It's the calendar
on my smartphone ♪

♪ Having fun tonight ♪

♪ Is it dinner, a party,
or drinks with Tom? ♪

Oh,! It's "Coffee with the Principal"

at Steve's school.

Oh, God. We've gone
to a million of those.

Why don't I go in your place?

Oh, thanks, Roger,
but you have to be a parent

to go to these things.

Or a legal guardian.

All you'd have to do is sign
a few papers and la-la,

I'm responsible for Steve.

Roger, couple things.

I think you meant to say
"viola," instead of "la-la. "

I did.

And we'd be terrible parents

if we gave you any
authority over Steve.

Hey, I'm a great caregiver.

I promise, if you
make me his guardian,

I won't let you down.

How are we supposed to believe that?

Behold.
Roger Smith, caregiver.

Here's me burping a baby.

Here's me cultivating a garden.

Lush.

Here's me shaving a homeless.

Shaved him clean, bow to stern.

Smooth as a dolphin.

Impressive.

And take a look at the
satisfaction survey

Klaus filled out after
I took care of him

the week you all went to
Michael Jackson's funeral.

♪ Hee-hee! ♪

You'll notice Klaus rated me
a five in every category.

I wrestled with that
questionnaire for days.

At one point, I convinced myself

Roger's performance
in "courtesy" merited a four.

As the pen hit the paper,
I knew instantly, I was a liar.

I quickly circled the five,
but that slight mark remains.

And it torments me
every day of my life!

Whoa.

See, I don't have children of my own.

It's hole in my heart I
desperately yearn to fill.

Making me Steve's guardian
would be the greatest gift

you guys could ever give me.

I guess we could let him do
"Coffee with the Principal"

just as a trial run, and
if that doesn't work out,

we yank his privileges.

You just got me seriously horny.

Okay, Roger, we'll make you
Steve's legal guardian.

Really? Oh, my God!

Thank you!

Whoa, watch out.

Was that a...

No.

Stan. Go on.

Go take care of that.

I got this one.

Hey, bud. You hear the great news?

What?

You folks made me
your legal guardian.

I'm going to "Coffee with the
Principal" in their place.

Whatever. Say hi to Brian for me.

You mean Principal Brian Lewis?

Yeah, me and him are amigos.

I'm texting his ass now.

Colorful language.

Phfft! Shut up, Roger.
I'll see you later.

I'll be home after your bedtime.

Pancakes tomorrow sound good?

Whatever, douche.
Shut the door.

Of course.
Sleep tight.

Gay!

Welcome. Tonight you'll be learning

about your child's
scholastic routine.

Any questions are always welcome.

If you're just here to tell me
I'm doing a great job,

that's fine, too.

I have a question.

Roger Smith.
Legal guardian for Steve Smith.

Principal Lewis, I've noticed

that my Steve has not been doing
well on the state-wide tests.

Why would that be?

Well, some children
aren't good test-takers.

Steven's a genius!

Maybe, instead
of a new football stadium,

you could have put that money
toward your students.

Uh-oh.
He's getting it good.

Oh, damn.

Um, who are you?

I know who you are.

Principal Library Book, because
you're obviously checked out!

Ooh!

Brian just called me!

He said you were a jerk during
"Coffee with the Principal"!

Look, me and him...

He and I...

We have a good thing
going at that school.

Don't mess it up.

Mess it... I'm trying to help you.

I stopped by your classes and
got your homework for next week.

Why don't you get a jump on it?

I'm going to bed, Roger.
I'm tired.

Not anymore, you're not.

That'll keep you wired
for a couple hours.

What is that?

For you, it's a study aide.

I use it to go dancing.

Well, look who's up before noon.

Just wanted to make
a little lunch for Steve.

That was thoughtful.

How was "Coffee with the Principal"?

He made a scene!
He told Principal Lewis

I should be getting better grades,

then he went to my classes,
got a week's worth of homework,

and made me study till midnight.

That sounds fantastic.

Here, take your lunch.
No time to dilly.

The bus is running
three minutes early.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Wow. Roger really seems
to be on top of things.

There's a school bus?

I'm surprised how
good he is with Steve.

Oh, man. Do you know what this means?

If Roger can take care of Steve,

we can finally go on
that kids-free vacation

we've been talking about
the last ten years.

You mean,

the dream vacation?

Five days and four nights at...

Flash Flood Acres!

The largest water park
in the universe!

Dan, where are the kids?

How many beers have you had?

Just one.

But it was the largest beer
in the universe!

Hey. I want to apologize
for my legal guardian.

I had a talk with him.

He won't bother you again.

He's a funny little guy, isn't he?

Made me really nervous.

Hey, could you turn
it to channel four?

They're dog a Galactica marathon.

Principal Lewis,
we're watching something.

I'm going to hatchet
you, Bob Crawley!

It-It's cool, Brian.

Oh, my bank again.

Don't worry about e bank.

I just have one last
set of forms to file,

and when that's done, you're golden.

Everybody, freeze.

Registered legal guardian,
Commonwealth of Virginia.

Oh, damn it.
Toss your weed.

Superintendent?

It's come to my attention

you've been letting one
of your students skip classes,

miss tests, and hang out
in the teachers' lounge.

I'm sorry, Brian, this is bad.

I hate to say it, but...

You're fired!

Is that what you intended
to say, superintendent?

That's what I super-intended to say.

Yay!

Is that too much air?

You want some radio?

I just want what's
best for you, Steve.

You've got a funny way of showing it!

Geez, you scared me.

You said nothing for so
long, and then you yelled.

I can't believe you got one
of my best friends fired!

Friends?! He's using you.

I will not let him
ruin your education.

Brian.

BRIAN:
So, that was weird today.

We'll get your job back.

And-And don't worry about the bank.

I got your forms right here.

Oh, no you don't.
Roger!

Lewis, this is Roger Smith.

I need you to stop calling my boy.

What are you doing?

Steve, your relationship
with him is inappropriate.

He-He could be a sexual predator

who wants to make
you his next victim.

It happened to me once.
The guy was a monster.

He just wrote something really
funny on my Facebook wall.

That's how he gets me.

He's witty.

It's Alan Rickman.

Uh, no.

Oh, no.

Brian, I'm throwing your ass
out for not paying rent.

Look, I'm going to pay.

I've got one of my students
working on my finances.

A student?

Well, a former student.

I've just been fired.

You lost your job and you've got
a teenager handling your money?

Yes, but it's not that much money.

Oh...

Checkmate.

Where's your butt buddy now?

Here, let me get you
some hot chocolate.

Keep it down! There's a
Galactica marathon on.

Keep it down.

Keep it down. Keep it down.

Keep it down.
Keep it down.

I'm not saying anything!

I can't believe
we get a whole week here

withouthe kids.

This is why I had children,

so one day, I wouldn't
have to be around them.

Is that it?

We've done everything
on the map twice.

But this is the biggest
water park in the world.

We can't be done already.

Let's see- 50 slides,
each about a minute long;

we didn't wait in any lines;

we ran everywhere-

yeah, less than two hours.

Damn it.

All right, well...
we could use this orange key

to check on our sneakers.

Roger?

He's home. Just making
your after-school snack.

Thought you might like some... No!

No! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God!

Roger-

My baby!

What happened to you?
Who did this?

Who did this to my baby?

The teachers.

They made a circle and they hit me.

Oh, God!

I don't think I can
go back to school.

Oh, Steve, you will never, ever

have to worry
about those teachers again.

See you later, guys.

Have a good one.

See you tomorrow.

Naranjas. Naranjas.

Give me that fruit.

How much?

Ten bucks to see it,
20 bucks to ride it.

No. I meant for the oranges.

Not for sale, bitch.

All right, I'll see it.

What are you doing?

Showing you my butt.

What? You thought
those were ding-dong prices?

Nah, nah, nah.

Brian, are you in there?

Oh, no.

Don't ever run off like that!

You scared me half to death!

They evicted Brian.

That's what he deserves
for messing with your education.

He was my friend.

I got you a new friend- Freddy.

He likes to drink milk
and play games.

Hello.

These are new shorts.

You're taller than me.

Freddy!

Hi. We would like a refund
for eight day-passes.

We overestimated
how long we'd want to be here.

You have to talk to the manager.

He's not back till Thursday.

I'm sorry, sir.

I really wish there was
something I could do.

This guy is the year.

Come on, Francine.

Let's take another run
at Splash Canyon.

(tone ringing)

Hello?

Dad, you guys have to come home.

Roger got Principal Lewis fired,
and now he's trying

to make me hang out with
this nerdy kid named Freddy.

Son, your mother
and I are on vacation.

Steve, it's your mom.

Frankly, I'm glad Roger
got Principal Lewis fired.

Your friendship with
him was getting weird.

I wanted to say something about it,

but I was scared you might tell me

that you two were lovers.

Now stop complaining and go to sleep.

Should be bedtime back there.

Yay!

Shut up!

Yellow slide's for babies.

You're a baby.

Hey, bud, time for bed.

You want a leg rub
till you fall asleep?

No. I just want you to go.

Oh, I get it.

You want to pleasure yourself.

Ew!

No "ew. " It's natural, honey.

Shameful and natural.

Just get out!

Good night, you Prince
of New England.

You Tom's of Maine.

You want a bedtime song?

♪ I'm never gonna let you go ♪

♪ I'm gonna hold you
in my arms forever ♪

♪ Gonna try to make up
for the times I hurt you so... ♪

Good-bye, room. Forever.

♪ Gonna hold your body
close to mine ♪

♪ From this day on,
we're gonna be together ♪

I'll need these on the road.

God willing, I'll have enough time

to slide them on my attackers.

♪ Oh, I swear this time ♪

♪ I'm never gonna let you go. ♪

Brian!

I'll kill you, Debra!

Oh, Steve.

Oh, thank God.

Thought you were Debra.

What are you doing out at this hour?

My legal guardian was killing me.

I can't be in that house anymore.

It's all his fault you got evicted.

Oh, I'm past that, Steve.

I'm gonna hit the
road, get out of town,

eat some of these oranges.

It totally sucks here!

Let me come with you.

Yeah, sure.

Get down!

Lew-Lew!

I ain't mad at you.

I just want to talk to you.

Oklahoma?!

Wow! How long was I asleep?

Steve, I'll be perfectly honest.

I thought you were
awake this whole time.

I told you my life story.

Hell, I told you about my stepmom.

Thought you were in a stunned silence

that somebody could
do that to a child.

Man, I can't wait till we get to...

Wait- where are we going?

The Grand Canyon.

Ooh, I'll have freedom out there.

No one making me eat healthy

and tickling my back
even when I don't want it.

That's not right.

Now, a grown black man
and a young white boy

driving cross country-
that feels right.

Now that there- that is sick.

Y'all got a lot of nerve!

This is a public road!

Officer, he's not in the house,
he's not answering his phone.

I'm his guardian.

If anything happens to him,
I'm responsible...

Calm down?

Calm down?!

Okay.

He was exactly right.

That was good advice.

So, I was thinking

about how we could make
a living in Arizona.

I will be a dancer.

What are your skills, Brian?

Oh, Steve.

We're not going to
Arizona to live together.

We're going there to die together.

Uh... pardon me?

I've got nothing left
to live for, Steve.

Which is why I'm driving us
straight into thGrand Canyon.

Suicide, bitch!

Canyon style!

Tickets! Tickets!

Extra tickets.

This place is totally screwing us.

Yeah, well, they're not the only
ones who can do the screwing.

I beg your pardon?

Their stupid water park screws us,

we do the same thing...
to each other.

And we do it in there,
on the biggest slide they got.

Of course that's what we do.

That's brilliant!

Dan?

Dan!

Don't tell my wife where I am.

She's the biggest bitch
in the universe!

Freddy, I can't find Steve.

I haven't seen him
since you introduced us.

This is all your fault, Frederick.

You were his approved friend.

You're supposed to watch out
for him when I'm not around.

You're supposed to...

Don't do that, man.

Look, Steve left
because you smother him.

I'm a good kid because
my parents allow me the freedom

to be myself.

Can you imagine
how nervous they must have been

when I said
I was hanging out with you?

I suppose I am a dangerous,
aggressive stranger.

They let me make my own mistakes,

but I know they're always there
when I need them.

Damn it, Freddy, I've been a fool.

It's not enough to love your kid.

You have to love 'em the right way.

I know what I have to do.

I just hope I can find Steve in time.

Well, I'm glad that...

Be glad about that.

Okay, here's the plan.

You go down first and wait

at the bottom in a ready position.

I'm gonna come down after you,
and by the time

I get to the bottom,
I'll be ready to go.

I'll be there to receive you.

♪ ♪

I'm coming in too hot!
Move back!

What?!

Stan, slow down!

Brian, I don't want
to die in the Grand Canyon.

Please! I thought we were friends.

You thought I let you

in the teacher's lounge
because I like you?

You were my accountant, Steve.

Roger was right.

Ah, and there she is.

Roger!

You! How did you find us?

It was simple.

When you love someone hard enough,

you always know where they are.

That can't possibly be true.

Roger, thank God!

I want to go home!

I can't do that, Steve.

You see this gun I'm pointing at you?

That's what I've been doing
this whole week-

holding you hostage.

Well, not anymore.

What?! No!

Principal Lewis is gonna
drive off the Grand Canyon!

You'll be fine, Steve.

I came here to tell you,
you'll be fine.

And I'll be supporting you
all the way.

Shoot Principal Lewis now!

I love you way too much for that.

See ya, sucker!

Good-bye, bad credit!

Oh, my God!

I don't believe it.

Roger's love is keeping us aloft.

We're gonna make it.

So long, junk mail!

Wait. What?

Steve, I'm so sorry.

I never meant for you to get hurt.

I'm a terrible legal guardian.

You are the worst legal guardian.

I'm sorry, too, Steve.

Surviving that crash made me reize,

I'm on this earth for a reason-
to shape young minds.

I'm gonna get my job back
as principal,

and this time,
I'm gonna do everything right.

Time for your bath, Mr. Lewis?

Please.

Mr. Lewis was my father.

Call me Chocolate Dinosaur.

Dad! Mom!

Steve! Roger!

What the hell is going on?

Well, it looks like you tried

to slingshot yourself into Francine.

Didn't you, Stan?

I came in too hot.

This is the worst day of my life.

Well, you're not getting
your morphine back.

Roger, give it back!

Don't be such a jerk!

God, I'm sick of you!

Come on! Give it! Freddy!

Damn it, Roger, come on!

Freddy.