American Dad! (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - The Worst Stan - full transcript
Stan convinces principal Lewis to get married so that he will get to be the best man, but his plan hits a snag when he invites principal Lewis's old cell mate to the wedding. Meanwhile, Roger goes to Miami to show off his new shorts.
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
I wanted you guys
to be the first to know...
I'm getting married!
Hey!
Stan, you were the one who
introduced me to Olivia,
which... is why I wanted to ask you
if you would do me the
honor of being my best...
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Jeremy?!
Michael!
My twin brother!
I can't believe you've come back
after being lost at sea for 12 years!
Will you be my best man?!
Yes.
I hope you two
will be very happy!
Michael was my last single
guy friend, Francine.
He was my last chance
to be a best man!
Being a best man is something
I've dreamt of my entire life.
♪ ♪
My dream is over, Francine.
They say you have a better chance
of getting hit by a meteor
than of being a best
man after you're 40.
Who says that?
Roger.
So we know it's true, then.
Come on, think.
You must have one single guy friend.
Well, there is one.
Who wants to see me pee on this cake?
Principal Brian Lewis.
My last single guy friend.
Yeah, Superintendent!
Blast my Buddah belly!
Oh, I'll never be a best man.
Don't give up on your dream, Stan.
All you need to do
is convince Lewis...
Lewis! Ooh!
...to get married and then
convince some girl to marry him.
You're right!
How hard can it be?
Sweets, you killed my master.
Now you die!
Cake! Cake!
Pie! Brownie!
Cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie!
No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No...
That's the dude
I was telling you about
while we were playing army guys.
Oh, the weird shorts guy?
He comes in every weekend...
...tries on all the shorts,
and never buys anything.
Where's a mirror?
Maybe there's one
through this odd, tiny door.
I have been waiting for you.
And I, you.
What's happening? What
are we talking about?
I made you shorts.
I don't know.
Like Lil' Kim, I have
a real tough body for shorts.
How much are they?
Like everything at Ross,
it is impossible to tell,
because the price tag has fallen off.
I'll try them on, but I don't...
My God.
They're amazing.
I wish Mom could figure out Skype
so I could show her these shorts.
I want to apologize again
for my behavior at the
school the other night.
I take allergy medicine,
and I'm not supposed
to drink 14 shots of tequila
when I'm on it.
You know, you should think
about settling down.
Find a nice woman, get married,
share your life with someone.
When you say, "share my life,"
I hear, "share my tequila,"
and I think, "no."
Here, try a hot wing.
They're 100% boneless.
No bones. Zero.
Boneless!
They got some food scientists
up in here, huh?
Bone-full!
They are full...
of bones!
You almost died, bro! Alone!
Oh, God!
Alone, bro!
I don't want to die alone, bro!
No one does, bro!
You need to settle
down and get married.
You're scaring me, bro!
Get married, bro!
Okay, damn it.
All right!
Yes! Don't worry.
I'll help you get your life
on the right path.
Now we just have
to find someone to marry you.
Well, I was seeing a real
classy broad recently.
- Totally different from all the women...
- Hookers.
...hookers-- thank you--
that I've dated in the past.
But she dumped me
because I wouldn't commit.
Perfect! Who is she?
Yes, I broke up with Brian
because I wasn't his first priority.
It was cocaine,
which he pronounced "kyo-kayne."
Superintendent, his brush
with death has changed him.
He wants to get married now.
I will marry him if he's serious.
He is serious.
He is dead serious.
No drugs, no drinking,
and a home-cooked meal
with my parents two nights a week.
Agreed on the drugs and drinking
and parents dinner
once a week at a restaurant.
And he'd like you
to give him a lefty cappuccino.
What's that?
It's not something you'd agree to
if you knew what it was.
Agreed.
Now, do you have something
to ask me, Brian?
Me, your man friend
who has led you down this blissful
and best life path?
Oh, okay.
Do you want to be my...?
You want to maybe do this right,
or are you going to half-ass it?
Get down on one knee.
♪ ♪
Okay, now. Do it now.
Everything is perfect.
Stan, will you be my best man?
Oh, yes! Yes, I will!
Up until now,
I've just been a great man.
Now, I will be a best man.
And I'm the Crest Man.
I'm living in my car.
♪ ♪
And obviously,
the last dance of the night
will be The Humpty Dance.
I'm so proud of him, Stan.
He's two weeks sober,
jogging every day,
sleeping 14 hours a night.
Can't get in trouble if I'm asleep!
He's pronouncing "cocaine" properly,
hasn't peed on any cakes,
and hasn't challenged a dog
to a fistfight in days.
Sorry to rush off, but I've got
a City Council meeting.
I'm gonna listen to the CD
you made me in the car.
I love track eight.
Oh, if you like track eight,
then you're gonna love track seven.
I've already heard track seven.
Oh, you're gonna love it!
Okay, did you bring the old photos
for the bachelor party slideshow?
Right here!
This looks like a publicity
photo for Diff'rent Strokes.
It's actually a picture of my family,
but my life was
the inspiration for that show.
You're kidding.
Nope.
My older brother William, aka Willis,
and I were adopted
by a rich white guy.
All that stuff really happened to me.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes
in the closet,
a fat man tried to touch me and
my friend in a bicycle shop...
You just left Dudley there!
I did.
He's real messed up now.
That's me and Tracy Bryant,
my prison cellmate for three years.
We lost touch when I got out.
I don't even know if he's still
in the joint or what.
Man, we go way back, like car seats.
Yo, Tracy,
you gonna lift weights?
Yeah, Brian. Nothing else
to do in here but get strong.
What you lookin' at, bitch?
Bitch,
I'm lookin' at you, bitch!
Uh-oh!
Well,
Lewis is obviously deep in thought.
Guess I'll take this opportunity
to do my own thinking.
Hey, I should find
his old cellmate, Tracy,
and invite him to the wedding.
What a great best man thing to do!
Stan, you and me is thinking buddies.
Roger, I've seen you in shorts.
You look terrible in them.
Remember, I told you
not to wear short...
I see my beauty has caused
you to be quiet mid-sentence.
Oh, my God.
How is that even possible?!
I don't know!
I mean, watch.
But much like the
appeal of the Ugg boot,
I'm not questioning
it, just accepting it.
Now I need to think
of a perfect venue
to debut my new shorts.
What if you wear them up in the club?
In... Miami?
Welcome to Miami.
Enjoy your stay.
And now phase three: to enroll
at Florida State University!
How did a baby and a dog
get on a flight to Miami?
Guess they're not as interested
in reality as we are.
Yup, we're keepin' it real.
Just a boy and an alien on a bus.
A boy and an alien in a wig
and magical shorts on a bus.
♪ Super real! ♪
Attention, everyone!
As the best man,
I've got a special surprise
for the groom.
It took some doing, but
I finally managed to find him...
Tracy Bryant, your old cellmate!
Tracy?!
Been a long time, Brian.
I can't believe
you're getting married,
'cause you already married...
to me!
I'm his prison wife!
This ring is made out of love
and commitment
and pipe cleaners and human teeth!
You're married?!
Mm-hmm, to this bitch!
Ellen, I can explain...
Yeah, explain how
you're gonna stand here
in front of all these nice people
and commit a sin like this.
I (bleep) your ass!
But how is this even possible?!
Allow me to break it down for you.
According to prison rules,
I became Lewis' bitch
after he beat up my previous husband.
After that, we had three years
of wedded bliss.
We shared a home...
a job...
...and some excellent toilet wine.
But that was years ago!
Prison rules are serious.
We follow them till we die!
It took me 15 years
to find you, Big Lew,
and I'm never leaving you again.
Ever! Forever!
Get out of here, Tracy!
I don't need this now.
I've finally got my life on track.
I say "cocaine" now.
This is all your fault.
Don't let him ruin my wedding.
Hey, it's our wedding.
Don't worry.
I'll-I'll fix this.
Brian, you've gotten fat on me.
More for me to zerbert!
Got to blow up my brown beach ball!
♪ ♪
This must be
what Thomas Haden Church
feels like all the time.
♪ ♪
I am loving these shorts!
You are beautiful!
I know!
I am legendary homosexual
Ricky Martin!
That I did not know!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey. Hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey...
These Cubans are hassling me!
Hey. Hey.
Hey, hey...
I still don't understand
why I'm not riding with Lew-Lew.
I told you. He had some
things to take care of,
so he asked me to
drive you to his house.
Drive faster. I want
to get to the kitchen
and make some fish sticks.
Ooh, which one is ours?
First thing I'm gonna do
is plant some heirloom tomatoes
up in here.
You're not gonna ruin my big day.
That wedding is happening, damn it!
Brian, it's Stan.
I wanted to tell you
that Tracy won't be bothering us
anymore.
Hello, white cheese.
But I killed you!
You can't kill this love.
What we got here
is the eternal flame.
The Bangles, bi-atch, circa '87!
No! You're supposed
to be on the wagon,
not drinking toilet wine
with your prison wife!
Look, I love Ellen,
but seeing Tracy stirred up
feelings I thought were gone.
We had some great times together.
He knows me so well.
I was afraid of dying alone.
Maybe now I don't have to.
This isn't a real marriage!
You are getting
real-married to Ellen,
and I'm going to be best man!
This is prison marriage, bitch!
This is prison rules!
Hmm. Prison rules.
I love Brian Lewis.
My heart is his forever.
Where we goin'?
Our house to watch movies?
Uh, what's happening?
Since I beat you up,
Tracy becomes my bitch now.
You know they made four Free Willies?
How'd that fat water fool let
himself get caught four times?
Hey, cooking bitch.
Hey! Cookin' bitch!
What you cookin'?
Egg whites?
I'm gonna kill you!
Um... what's going on?
I'm super afraid!
So, Stan, how long
is your friend going
to be staying with us?
Just until after Lewis gets married.
Oh, we need salt.
Stan, I know
how much being a best
man means to you,
but your friend keeps stabbing me.
I just need my bitches to get
along for a couple more days.
Just getting a Popsicle!
Marmalade...
for the table?
Last night was horrible, Steven!
It was theorst night of my life!
If I had known there
was someone as beautiful
as you out there, I would have
come out so much sooner.
Take off your shorts, mi amor.
Uh... let's just make out some more.
But Roger, it's clearly time
for butt play!
The worst part is,
I felt like Ricky Martin
and I had a connection.
Well, Roger, if that's true,
then you shouldn't be afraid
to take your shorts off.
Your looks open the door,
but your personality
takes the door off its hinges.
Like the bathrooms at the beach?
Mm-hmm.
Do they do that so the bums
won't have sex in there?
Mm-hmm.
That's really smart.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks for coming.
We four are the most important
members in the wedding:
best man, groom,
bride and flower girl.
I thought my niece was
going to be the flower girl.
No, your niece was not attractive.
But Ashley here has won
a regional beauty pageant.
I think it's horrible
the way we treat marine
life in this country.
Now I'm going to play the flute.
♪ ♪
Atta girl.
Brian, you and Ashley
go practice dancing
with her standing on your feet.
It'll be adorable,
a real crowd pleaser.
I'm glad we have
some alone time, Ellen.
I'm working on my speech and
wanted to ask a few questions.
Sure. Shoot.
When was the moment you realized
you wanted to marry Brian?
When I realized I wanted a baby.
Oh. Okay.
And what do you love most about him?
That he has a penis full
of baby ingredients.
Oh.
Here's the deal.
I want to marry Brian
and have a baby with him
because it will help me get
to my ultimate goal...
City Comptroller.
What?!
I've been accused
of two things:
not liking blacks
and not liking kids.
Getting married to Brian,
an educator,
and having a half-black baby
is exactly what I need
to get out of this
superintendent dead end.
There will be no limit
to how far I can go.
The locks on a lot of doors
in this city are
mulatto baby-shaped, Stan.
Why are you telling me all this?!
We're both using Brian
to get what we want.
You won't say anything.
This wedding is too important to us.
Ashley's doing the splits
for a cigarette.
Unfiltered, if you have it.
♪ ♪
Hello, Ricky Martin.
You're looking guapo, as usual.
Don't say a word.
I have to be honest with you!
What is it, Roger?
I didn't take my shorts off
last night
because I didn't want you
to see the real me.
But I'm ready now.
I really like you,
and I hope you'll still
really like me, too.
Okay.
You...
are even more beautiful to me now
because it is the real you.
This is it, isn't it?
This is the real thing.
Yes. It is.
Especially because
I have a secret of my own.
I, too, found an old blind woman
behind a small door inside a Ross.
Oh, you shop at Ross.
The woman made me the T-shirt
that I am wearing.
That was nine years ago.
I have been afraid to take it off
in front of another person
ever since.
But your love has finally
given me the guts to do it.
Grab!
No!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Is that the real Mrs. Garrett?
Oh, there's the
inspiration for Kimberly!
Mr. Drummond was a man of means,
so this should be a nice wedding!
This is a beautiful wedding.
Yes, it certainly...
Uh. Switch seats with me?
Welcome. I'm Stan Smith,
your best man!
First up, the bride and groom
will read
their vows to each other,
which will be boring,
but then, your best man
will be right back!
Mr. Drummond, right?
Mr. Druffold, but you
can call me Mr. D.
Look at that.
True love, huh?
Well, true love...
is that really important?
It's everything.
After Kimberly's mother passed,
I almost remarried the wrong woman.
Turns out she had a secret agenda
to ship the kids off
to a boarding school.
Wait. I saw that episode.
Season one, episode 12... "The Woman."
But luckily, a good friend of
mine was looking out for me.
It's hard to know what the right
thing is sometimes, Mr. D.
Well, how does your heart feel?
My heart hurts.
Well, I think you have your answer.
Stop!
Brian, you can't marry that woman!
What you talkin' 'bout, Stan?!
- Yeah!
- All right!
- All right, yeah.
- Oh, finally.
She's a horrible person!
I was trying to force this union
so I could have my big day,
but I've realized
there's something more important
than being a best man.
I think I have to go to the hospital.
And that's being a better friend.
I was wrong to try and change you.
So go on. Do what
you were born to do.
Go punch that dog in the face.
Huh?
You're a good friend.
You ruined everything!
Now how will I get my half-black baby
and become City Comptroller?!
Where we goin'?
Our house to take a bubble bath?
What?
Prison rules, girl.
You beat up my husband,
so I'm your bitch now.
♪ I got a feeling
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
I wanted you guys
to be the first to know...
I'm getting married!
Hey!
Stan, you were the one who
introduced me to Olivia,
which... is why I wanted to ask you
if you would do me the
honor of being my best...
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Jeremy?!
Michael!
My twin brother!
I can't believe you've come back
after being lost at sea for 12 years!
Will you be my best man?!
Yes.
I hope you two
will be very happy!
Michael was my last single
guy friend, Francine.
He was my last chance
to be a best man!
Being a best man is something
I've dreamt of my entire life.
♪ ♪
My dream is over, Francine.
They say you have a better chance
of getting hit by a meteor
than of being a best
man after you're 40.
Who says that?
Roger.
So we know it's true, then.
Come on, think.
You must have one single guy friend.
Well, there is one.
Who wants to see me pee on this cake?
Principal Brian Lewis.
My last single guy friend.
Yeah, Superintendent!
Blast my Buddah belly!
Oh, I'll never be a best man.
Don't give up on your dream, Stan.
All you need to do
is convince Lewis...
Lewis! Ooh!
...to get married and then
convince some girl to marry him.
You're right!
How hard can it be?
Sweets, you killed my master.
Now you die!
Cake! Cake!
Pie! Brownie!
Cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie!
No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No...
That's the dude
I was telling you about
while we were playing army guys.
Oh, the weird shorts guy?
He comes in every weekend...
...tries on all the shorts,
and never buys anything.
Where's a mirror?
Maybe there's one
through this odd, tiny door.
I have been waiting for you.
And I, you.
What's happening? What
are we talking about?
I made you shorts.
I don't know.
Like Lil' Kim, I have
a real tough body for shorts.
How much are they?
Like everything at Ross,
it is impossible to tell,
because the price tag has fallen off.
I'll try them on, but I don't...
My God.
They're amazing.
I wish Mom could figure out Skype
so I could show her these shorts.
I want to apologize again
for my behavior at the
school the other night.
I take allergy medicine,
and I'm not supposed
to drink 14 shots of tequila
when I'm on it.
You know, you should think
about settling down.
Find a nice woman, get married,
share your life with someone.
When you say, "share my life,"
I hear, "share my tequila,"
and I think, "no."
Here, try a hot wing.
They're 100% boneless.
No bones. Zero.
Boneless!
They got some food scientists
up in here, huh?
Bone-full!
They are full...
of bones!
You almost died, bro! Alone!
Oh, God!
Alone, bro!
I don't want to die alone, bro!
No one does, bro!
You need to settle
down and get married.
You're scaring me, bro!
Get married, bro!
Okay, damn it.
All right!
Yes! Don't worry.
I'll help you get your life
on the right path.
Now we just have
to find someone to marry you.
Well, I was seeing a real
classy broad recently.
- Totally different from all the women...
- Hookers.
...hookers-- thank you--
that I've dated in the past.
But she dumped me
because I wouldn't commit.
Perfect! Who is she?
Yes, I broke up with Brian
because I wasn't his first priority.
It was cocaine,
which he pronounced "kyo-kayne."
Superintendent, his brush
with death has changed him.
He wants to get married now.
I will marry him if he's serious.
He is serious.
He is dead serious.
No drugs, no drinking,
and a home-cooked meal
with my parents two nights a week.
Agreed on the drugs and drinking
and parents dinner
once a week at a restaurant.
And he'd like you
to give him a lefty cappuccino.
What's that?
It's not something you'd agree to
if you knew what it was.
Agreed.
Now, do you have something
to ask me, Brian?
Me, your man friend
who has led you down this blissful
and best life path?
Oh, okay.
Do you want to be my...?
You want to maybe do this right,
or are you going to half-ass it?
Get down on one knee.
♪ ♪
Okay, now. Do it now.
Everything is perfect.
Stan, will you be my best man?
Oh, yes! Yes, I will!
Up until now,
I've just been a great man.
Now, I will be a best man.
And I'm the Crest Man.
I'm living in my car.
♪ ♪
And obviously,
the last dance of the night
will be The Humpty Dance.
I'm so proud of him, Stan.
He's two weeks sober,
jogging every day,
sleeping 14 hours a night.
Can't get in trouble if I'm asleep!
He's pronouncing "cocaine" properly,
hasn't peed on any cakes,
and hasn't challenged a dog
to a fistfight in days.
Sorry to rush off, but I've got
a City Council meeting.
I'm gonna listen to the CD
you made me in the car.
I love track eight.
Oh, if you like track eight,
then you're gonna love track seven.
I've already heard track seven.
Oh, you're gonna love it!
Okay, did you bring the old photos
for the bachelor party slideshow?
Right here!
This looks like a publicity
photo for Diff'rent Strokes.
It's actually a picture of my family,
but my life was
the inspiration for that show.
You're kidding.
Nope.
My older brother William, aka Willis,
and I were adopted
by a rich white guy.
All that stuff really happened to me.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes
in the closet,
a fat man tried to touch me and
my friend in a bicycle shop...
You just left Dudley there!
I did.
He's real messed up now.
That's me and Tracy Bryant,
my prison cellmate for three years.
We lost touch when I got out.
I don't even know if he's still
in the joint or what.
Man, we go way back, like car seats.
Yo, Tracy,
you gonna lift weights?
Yeah, Brian. Nothing else
to do in here but get strong.
What you lookin' at, bitch?
Bitch,
I'm lookin' at you, bitch!
Uh-oh!
Well,
Lewis is obviously deep in thought.
Guess I'll take this opportunity
to do my own thinking.
Hey, I should find
his old cellmate, Tracy,
and invite him to the wedding.
What a great best man thing to do!
Stan, you and me is thinking buddies.
Roger, I've seen you in shorts.
You look terrible in them.
Remember, I told you
not to wear short...
I see my beauty has caused
you to be quiet mid-sentence.
Oh, my God.
How is that even possible?!
I don't know!
I mean, watch.
But much like the
appeal of the Ugg boot,
I'm not questioning
it, just accepting it.
Now I need to think
of a perfect venue
to debut my new shorts.
What if you wear them up in the club?
In... Miami?
Welcome to Miami.
Enjoy your stay.
And now phase three: to enroll
at Florida State University!
How did a baby and a dog
get on a flight to Miami?
Guess they're not as interested
in reality as we are.
Yup, we're keepin' it real.
Just a boy and an alien on a bus.
A boy and an alien in a wig
and magical shorts on a bus.
♪ Super real! ♪
Attention, everyone!
As the best man,
I've got a special surprise
for the groom.
It took some doing, but
I finally managed to find him...
Tracy Bryant, your old cellmate!
Tracy?!
Been a long time, Brian.
I can't believe
you're getting married,
'cause you already married...
to me!
I'm his prison wife!
This ring is made out of love
and commitment
and pipe cleaners and human teeth!
You're married?!
Mm-hmm, to this bitch!
Ellen, I can explain...
Yeah, explain how
you're gonna stand here
in front of all these nice people
and commit a sin like this.
I (bleep) your ass!
But how is this even possible?!
Allow me to break it down for you.
According to prison rules,
I became Lewis' bitch
after he beat up my previous husband.
After that, we had three years
of wedded bliss.
We shared a home...
a job...
...and some excellent toilet wine.
But that was years ago!
Prison rules are serious.
We follow them till we die!
It took me 15 years
to find you, Big Lew,
and I'm never leaving you again.
Ever! Forever!
Get out of here, Tracy!
I don't need this now.
I've finally got my life on track.
I say "cocaine" now.
This is all your fault.
Don't let him ruin my wedding.
Hey, it's our wedding.
Don't worry.
I'll-I'll fix this.
Brian, you've gotten fat on me.
More for me to zerbert!
Got to blow up my brown beach ball!
♪ ♪
This must be
what Thomas Haden Church
feels like all the time.
♪ ♪
I am loving these shorts!
You are beautiful!
I know!
I am legendary homosexual
Ricky Martin!
That I did not know!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey. Hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey...
These Cubans are hassling me!
Hey. Hey.
Hey, hey...
I still don't understand
why I'm not riding with Lew-Lew.
I told you. He had some
things to take care of,
so he asked me to
drive you to his house.
Drive faster. I want
to get to the kitchen
and make some fish sticks.
Ooh, which one is ours?
First thing I'm gonna do
is plant some heirloom tomatoes
up in here.
You're not gonna ruin my big day.
That wedding is happening, damn it!
Brian, it's Stan.
I wanted to tell you
that Tracy won't be bothering us
anymore.
Hello, white cheese.
But I killed you!
You can't kill this love.
What we got here
is the eternal flame.
The Bangles, bi-atch, circa '87!
No! You're supposed
to be on the wagon,
not drinking toilet wine
with your prison wife!
Look, I love Ellen,
but seeing Tracy stirred up
feelings I thought were gone.
We had some great times together.
He knows me so well.
I was afraid of dying alone.
Maybe now I don't have to.
This isn't a real marriage!
You are getting
real-married to Ellen,
and I'm going to be best man!
This is prison marriage, bitch!
This is prison rules!
Hmm. Prison rules.
I love Brian Lewis.
My heart is his forever.
Where we goin'?
Our house to watch movies?
Uh, what's happening?
Since I beat you up,
Tracy becomes my bitch now.
You know they made four Free Willies?
How'd that fat water fool let
himself get caught four times?
Hey, cooking bitch.
Hey! Cookin' bitch!
What you cookin'?
Egg whites?
I'm gonna kill you!
Um... what's going on?
I'm super afraid!
So, Stan, how long
is your friend going
to be staying with us?
Just until after Lewis gets married.
Oh, we need salt.
Stan, I know
how much being a best
man means to you,
but your friend keeps stabbing me.
I just need my bitches to get
along for a couple more days.
Just getting a Popsicle!
Marmalade...
for the table?
Last night was horrible, Steven!
It was theorst night of my life!
If I had known there
was someone as beautiful
as you out there, I would have
come out so much sooner.
Take off your shorts, mi amor.
Uh... let's just make out some more.
But Roger, it's clearly time
for butt play!
The worst part is,
I felt like Ricky Martin
and I had a connection.
Well, Roger, if that's true,
then you shouldn't be afraid
to take your shorts off.
Your looks open the door,
but your personality
takes the door off its hinges.
Like the bathrooms at the beach?
Mm-hmm.
Do they do that so the bums
won't have sex in there?
Mm-hmm.
That's really smart.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks for coming.
We four are the most important
members in the wedding:
best man, groom,
bride and flower girl.
I thought my niece was
going to be the flower girl.
No, your niece was not attractive.
But Ashley here has won
a regional beauty pageant.
I think it's horrible
the way we treat marine
life in this country.
Now I'm going to play the flute.
♪ ♪
Atta girl.
Brian, you and Ashley
go practice dancing
with her standing on your feet.
It'll be adorable,
a real crowd pleaser.
I'm glad we have
some alone time, Ellen.
I'm working on my speech and
wanted to ask a few questions.
Sure. Shoot.
When was the moment you realized
you wanted to marry Brian?
When I realized I wanted a baby.
Oh. Okay.
And what do you love most about him?
That he has a penis full
of baby ingredients.
Oh.
Here's the deal.
I want to marry Brian
and have a baby with him
because it will help me get
to my ultimate goal...
City Comptroller.
What?!
I've been accused
of two things:
not liking blacks
and not liking kids.
Getting married to Brian,
an educator,
and having a half-black baby
is exactly what I need
to get out of this
superintendent dead end.
There will be no limit
to how far I can go.
The locks on a lot of doors
in this city are
mulatto baby-shaped, Stan.
Why are you telling me all this?!
We're both using Brian
to get what we want.
You won't say anything.
This wedding is too important to us.
Ashley's doing the splits
for a cigarette.
Unfiltered, if you have it.
♪ ♪
Hello, Ricky Martin.
You're looking guapo, as usual.
Don't say a word.
I have to be honest with you!
What is it, Roger?
I didn't take my shorts off
last night
because I didn't want you
to see the real me.
But I'm ready now.
I really like you,
and I hope you'll still
really like me, too.
Okay.
You...
are even more beautiful to me now
because it is the real you.
This is it, isn't it?
This is the real thing.
Yes. It is.
Especially because
I have a secret of my own.
I, too, found an old blind woman
behind a small door inside a Ross.
Oh, you shop at Ross.
The woman made me the T-shirt
that I am wearing.
That was nine years ago.
I have been afraid to take it off
in front of another person
ever since.
But your love has finally
given me the guts to do it.
Grab!
No!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Is that the real Mrs. Garrett?
Oh, there's the
inspiration for Kimberly!
Mr. Drummond was a man of means,
so this should be a nice wedding!
This is a beautiful wedding.
Yes, it certainly...
Uh. Switch seats with me?
Welcome. I'm Stan Smith,
your best man!
First up, the bride and groom
will read
their vows to each other,
which will be boring,
but then, your best man
will be right back!
Mr. Drummond, right?
Mr. Druffold, but you
can call me Mr. D.
Look at that.
True love, huh?
Well, true love...
is that really important?
It's everything.
After Kimberly's mother passed,
I almost remarried the wrong woman.
Turns out she had a secret agenda
to ship the kids off
to a boarding school.
Wait. I saw that episode.
Season one, episode 12... "The Woman."
But luckily, a good friend of
mine was looking out for me.
It's hard to know what the right
thing is sometimes, Mr. D.
Well, how does your heart feel?
My heart hurts.
Well, I think you have your answer.
Stop!
Brian, you can't marry that woman!
What you talkin' 'bout, Stan?!
- Yeah!
- All right!
- All right, yeah.
- Oh, finally.
She's a horrible person!
I was trying to force this union
so I could have my big day,
but I've realized
there's something more important
than being a best man.
I think I have to go to the hospital.
And that's being a better friend.
I was wrong to try and change you.
So go on. Do what
you were born to do.
Go punch that dog in the face.
Huh?
You're a good friend.
You ruined everything!
Now how will I get my half-black baby
and become City Comptroller?!
Where we goin'?
Our house to take a bubble bath?
What?
Prison rules, girl.
You beat up my husband,
so I'm your bitch now.