American Dad! (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 2 - Hurricane! - full transcript

As Hurricane Flozell grows stronger,

record surf threatens to breach
the Langley Falls Sea Wall

and flood all of Lower Langley.

Residents are urged to evacuate.

Thanks, Greg.
Stay safe out there.

Ahahahah, don't worry.

I've been in some nasty storms.

Oh my God.

The sky ate Greg.

How can you calmly do housework
when there's a hurricane outside?

I'm stuck inside all day anyway,



Might as well scratch some
things off my to-do list.

Install this light fixture,

prepare the table,
find my old college javelin.

Why on Earth would you ever need that?

You'll never know.

Well, this weather is worrying me.

Are you sure we shouldn't evacuate?

Evacuate?

I'm not going to abandon my house

just so a bunch of guys
in sports jerseys

can loot the place and do
God-knows-what with...

my old college javelin.

(thunder crashes)

But we're in Lower Langley.



And we're in the lowest part
of the neighborhood!

That's why so many soccer balls
end up in our yard.

(wind howling)

(Greg screams)

We'll be fine.

I've got us totally prepared
to ride out the storm.

But what if the sea wall breaks?
Greg said that...

Francine, a man's most important duty

is to protect his family.

So, please, just trust me.

I won't let anything
happen to you guys. Okay?

Mm, okay...

Try to relax.

Watching all that news is
just making you paranoid.

Maybe a nice massage
will calm you down.

Just start up here.

Check it out!

I got full blueprints
of our house for my project.

The Junior Architect Society

isn't going to know what hit them!

Are you allergic to vaginas, Steve?

Jeff, what if the sea wall breaks?

The zoo is in Lower Langley.

Wh-What about the animals?

Uh, don't worry, babe.

All the animals will
take care of each other,

just like they do in the wild.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

You're my rock.

Come on.
Let's go get high

and talk about
other times we got high.

Last night was magical.

I think we could
really have something.

Oh, yeah, yeah...

Yeah, say, could I get
that sweatshirt back from you?

It looks pretty nasty out there.

Maybe I could just wear it

and give it back to you next time?

Yeah... it's just,

it's kinda my favorite,
you know, from college.

I'll wash it for you.

I just want to wear it for a while.

(deep sniff, sighs)

It smells like us.

(groans)

(wind rushing)

If you've seen this man, please
call the station right away.

He was last seen being sucked
into the sky, where he belongs.

(voice cracking):
Because he's an angel!

(doorbell rings)

- Hey, Buckle.
- Stan, you're still here?!

Everyone in the
neighborhood has evacuated.

Even my friends Julius and
Rachel Epstein left.

They're beavers, Stan!

I appreciate the concern,
Buckle, but we'll be fine.

The roads aren't passable anymore,

but I've got an amphibious vehicle!

I'm going to get Shari, and
we'll stop by on our way out.

I pray you come with us, my friend.

(kisses)

Stan, are you sure
we shouldn't go with them?

The sea wall could break any minute.

For the last time, we'll be fine.

We have weeks of supplies,

and the house is
completely watertight.

How do you know that?

Remember when everyone
was worried about anthrax

and dirty bombs a few years ago,

even though they should be far,
far more worried about it now...

- trust me I know what I'm talking about?
- I remember.

Well, I everything-proofed the house.

It's sealed against anthrax,
radiation, water...

This dumb bastard's going
to get us all killed!

We have to evacuate!

We are staying right here!

"Not I," said the guy
who lived, and was beautiful.

I'm going with
Red Beard Raccoon Coat.

Anyone who's interested in living

and not being stupid and crazy,

I suggest you join me.

And anyone who trusts my judgment

as the protector of this family,

I suggest you join me!

Francine?!

I'm sorry, Stan.

But when there's a crisis,
you make bad decisions.

They sound reasonable in the moment,

but they...

always...
end badly.

That's ridiculous!

I know it's hard to hear, Stan,

but it's true.

Come on, kids.

I'm with Mommy!
Betrayal!

I have to stay, Mom.

If the zoo floods, I need to be here,

so I can start rescuing animals.

Besides, I-I think the house
will probably hold.

I'm with you, babe.

See what a good wife
Jeff is, Francine?

He sticks by her husband.

I'll stay with you, Roger.

You're still here?

Come on, you guys!

How can you trust that guy
over me, your own husband?!

You're not giving me any choice!

Staying here is a perfect example

of you making a bad crisis decision.

I still don't understand why we
couldn't have taken the Solara!

The Solara is not amphibious,
my sweet Semitic treasure!

Francine, staying here
is not a bad decision.

I've prepared for this...

I finally did it.

I've made my decision

about whether to stay or go.

It took a lot of soul searching,

but in the end...

ALL OTHERS:
Shut up, Klaus!

Punt!
(Klaus screams)

Hayley, please come with us.

I can't, Mom.

(dramatically):
What of... the animals?

Why, why, why, why

do you have to say it like that?
(deep rumbling)

No...!

The sea wall has broken!

(all scream)

(panting)

What an exciting first date!

We're not dating, you miserable cow!

(laughs)
You're funny!

Oh... my God.

Buckle and Shari!

They're dead.

Nothing we can do now but pray

and strip all the copper piping
out of their house.

If you'd gotten in that vehicle,
you'd be dead, too, Francine.

If we'd left this
morning, like I wanted,

we'd be safe at Mah Mah
and Bah Bah's right now!

We're safe here!

The generator's working.

The place is sealed tighter than
an unlubricated Komzel valve.

Or maybe the more obvious joke:

a Zwanzi tribesman's nook-nook
ribbon, pre-Lonzi ritual.

(loud bump,
house jerks slightly)

Um, Dad...
You didn't seal the drainage

that allows water to pass
under the house, did you?

'Cause without that, the water'll put

too much pressure on the structure...

Steve, stop it.
Just because

you're in an architect club
doesn't mean...

Hiya, Barb!
Some weather, huh?

...doesn't mean you know
everything about...

Hey, Principal Lewis!

End of days... bitches...!

(laughs raucously)

...about this house...

We're moving. The house
is moving. I see that now.

(wind whistling)

Just as I suspected!

The water couldn't
pass under the house,

so it pushed it off the foundation!

See, Stan?

Sealing up the house and staying here

sounded like okay decisions,
but look what happened!

I feel so close to you.

Let's go look at your baby pictures.

Great, you go get them.
They're outside.

Where?
Just... outside.

Anywhere. Just go find
them. It's a game.

I say we go up to the attic...

the highest, safest part
of the house.

We should stay down here.

If rescue comes, we can climb
right out the window

and onto the boat.

You know what?
Fine.

Anyone smart or loyal enough
to take my side in this,

come with me to the attic.

Hayley, don't listen to him!

She's made up her mind, Francine.

Just like how I normally
make up your mind.

(thunderclap)

Penny for your thoughts?

I don't have any change.

Saucy.
Shut up.

Do not pass go.
What?

Chicken butt.
I hate you.

Got your nose!
(groans)

Stan, what are you doing?

I'm dropping an anchor to stop us.

We could crash into something
and sink!

Oh, please don't do that!

I know an anchor sounds like
a good plan.

I can't poke any holes in it, per se.

But based on your history...
(Stan grunts)

My wine fridge!

I had my cocaine in there!

(deep creaking sound)

See, Francine!

It was a good idea, and it worked!

Thanks to me,
the Smith family is safe!

(house creaking)

(All scream)

(All scream)

(Francine and Roger groan)

I'll never forget you, Roger!

Just ignore her.

No...!

My sweatshirt!

(Jeff cries)

Don't worry.
I can fix this.

It's jammed!

Ha! Tables have turned, bitches!

This whole house is going to flood.

Tough luck for you dicks
who don't have gills.

I guess it's my house now,

and I can go wherever I want!

(laughs hysterically)

See you never, goat-(bleep)!

(screams)
This is salt water!

It burns!

(gasping)
Put me back, put me back!

(panting)

Whew!

(laughs sheepishly):
So...

a lot of funny jokes
happened just now, ja?

We're completely upside down!

Aw, look Steve.

Our glow-in-the-dark
star stickers are still here.

Remember that night we camped
out in the living room?

We told ghost stories and you
had your first big-boy dream?

Such volume!

(faint pounding from below)

That must be the others,
in the attic!

We have to help them!

Hmm. Looks like we can use

this vertical access
aft to get down there.

Those are the stairs, Steve.

We need to make some kind of rope...

maybe out of curtains.

As if!

You think I'm gonna risk
my neck for Stan,

after what he did to my wine fridge?!

No way!

But... what about your wigs?

They're all in the attic.

(gasps)
Get out of my way! I'll kill you!

(crashes)

(debris clattering)

ROGER (in pain):
Franny... we need to make...

some kind of rope

perhaps...

out of curtains.

(creaking)
I couldn't get the window shut!

The water is rising!

I'll get us out of this!

(crying)

I'm... not gonna make it, babe!

I-I want you to take my Hacky Sack...

and-and give it to our grandchildren.

Jeff, we don't even have kids.

I know.

That's why...
I want you to...

take this folded-up candy wrapper.

Don't ask me how I did it.

Just take it and start our family.

It looks like this corridor
should take us

directly to the main attic access.

It's not a corridor, it's a hallway!

You need to stop with
the architect jargon.

Seriously.
Look at me.

You need to zip it, lock it
and put it in your pocket.

FRANCINE:
Stan?!

It's Mom!

She's gonna save us!

We don't need saving.

I've got this under control.

I'm here, Francine!
Don't panic!

I'll get us through this!

FRANCINE:
What?

Stan, we're moving
the stuff off the door!

Just hang on!

That's real good, honey!
Keep your spirits up!

I'm coming!

There, there, you're safe now.

The wigs!
They're all gone!

Half of those belonged
to Brendan Fraser!

Oh, thank the stars you made it!

Come here, I've got you!

Oh, bless you, Roger!

KLAUS:
I was afraid I...

Thank God this one survived.

I can still go to cowboy weddings.

Nein!

Okay, one at a time.

The rope isn't very strong.

I don't want to die here!

I'm supposed to die
in the medical tent

at a music festival!

(Jeff screaming)

Jeff, no!

Ow!

Jeff! Now we lost our rope!

(sobbing):
I'm so sorry!

Get ahold of yourself!

Huh.

Huh.

How are we gonna get up there now?

Get us out of here, Mrs. S!

No!
I'll save us!

We, uh... we should...

open a window and flood this floor!

The rising water will carry us
right up to the living room.

There's no way we're doing
another one of your ideas, Stan!

HAYLEY:
Maybe we should.

What?

Look, I know Dad's decisions
haven't worked out,

but he is trying.

I say we open the window...

unless anyone has a better idea...

based in reality.

Okay, then.
Window it is.

Thank you, Hayley.

You're welcome, Dad.

(Hayley screams)

Ahh!

(trailing off):
Dad was wrong...

Wow, what a beautiful creature.

And we know so little about them.

Hayley!
Hayley!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

That shark's in here, man!

If they're really attracted
to blood, then it's in my room,

attacking the boxers I wore
the day Francine made tacos.

Just leave me behind!

I am bad in a crisis.

And it got Hayley killed!

Don't give up, Dad.

We got the window closed
and we'll find her.

(muffled groaning)

It's the ghost of Hayley risen
up from the depths of hell!

She has unfinished business with me!

Leave me be, specter!

No, she's alive!

Why would you assume
she went to hell?

Hayley?!

What's on the bottom
of your mattress, Steve?

So many of the girls
are Asian, and pregnant.

She's not in here,
we should keep moving.

Shark!

Oh, thank god.
It's just a dead girl.

Ah!

Roger, you came back for me.

Uh, okay.

Do you want to come to dinner
at my parents' house on Tuesday?

What did you find?!
I-Is it Hayley?!

No, it's nothing.
Just a cushion.

We're going to have lots of babies.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

She's not in here, either.

Where's your father?

The shark got him!

Stan! Hayley!

I don't see any...

(groaning):
Oh!

Hayley!

Careful!

The shark let me go when I
jammed my one-hitter in its eye,

but I think it's
still here somewhere.

Hang on, Hayley.

Mama's coming.

(whispering):
Does anyone have Chap Stick?

I got you, honey.

It's okay...

(screaming)

Go, go, go!

(thudding)

We have to go up!

Oh!

(shark growling)

(sighs)
(creaking)

We did it!

We got away.

Okay, according to the blueprints...

(yelling)

It's hungry for flesh and knowledge!

(screaming)

(crying)

Don't look at me, whore!

We both know what this is!

It's love!

Forever love!

(crying)

Stan! Oh.

(laughs sheepishly):
Didn't see you there.

Sneaky. A sneaky boy is what you are.

Francine was right about me, Klaus.

The farther away from the family
I am, the safer they'll be.

HAYLEY: There he is! There he is!

STEVE:
Look at all his teeth!

They don't sound very safe, Stan.

You'd better get in there!

I want to, but I'll only
make things worse

- with my bad decisions.
FRANCINE: - Aah, look!

Look, Stan, everyone
makes bad decisions,

but it's a numbers game.

Eventually, you're bound
to make the right call.

(Hayley screaming in distance)
I am?

Sure.
(blows landing nearby)

Look at Nicolas Cage.

He made many horrible movies.

Snake Eyes, Eight Millimeter,

Gone in Sixty Seconds,

Captain Corelli's Mandolin,
Windtalkers...

(blows landing, indistinct shouting)

...Ghost Rider, Family Man,

Weather Man, Wicker Man,
Bangkok Dangerous.

(Francine screaming)

But then he nailed it, Stan,
with National Treasure Two,

the greatest movie of all time!

(distant screaming)
He did nail it!

He nailed it so hard that he
became a national treasure...

too.

STEVE:
Mom, behind you!

(Francine screams)
My God!

(blows landing, screaming)

If Nicolas Cage can recover
from his bad decisions

and make a great one, so can I!

That's the spirit.

I'm going to save my family!

(monkey hooting,
lion roaring)

And this time, I'm going
to make the right call.

I don't want to die yet.

I haven't experienced
the disappointment

of being in a monogamous
sexual relationship.

(whimpers)

STAN:
Help has arrived!

(growling)

(all screaming)
STAN: It's okay.

I let the bear in to kill the shark.

They're natural enemies
since the dawn of time.

(growls)

(growling)

They're working in tandem!

They're brothers in arms!

(grunts)

(growling)

Just a hiccup. Don't worry.

I'm Nic Caging this mother!

(metallic clanging)

(hissing)

This time, I'll make the right call.

I'm gonna electrocute them!

Oh, Stan, I don't think...

Aah!

(whimpering)

(wood creaking)

Don't worry. I'm on this.

Next time, I'm bound
to make the right call.

You're killing us, Mr. S!

Stop it!
Stay calm, Jeff!

I'll get us through this.

You have to let...
(groans)

me... (punching)
(groans)

help... you...
(groans)

FRANCINE: - Stan!
- I know, honey.

You believe in me again.

No!

You're making everything
much, much worse!

Now look me in the eyes.

I'm going to tell you
exactly what to do.

You need to go out and get help.

No more decisions or ideas.

Go outside and get help, okay?!

Okay, I hear you.

I really do.

But I'm not going to do that.

Because I have a better idea.

My old college javelin.

Remember?

I'll harpoon the bear,

and the bear blood will distract
the shark, and we can escape!

Stan!

(wind whipping)

No!

No!

(tranquilizer gun fires)

(tranquilizer gun fires)

(tranquilizer gun fires)

Ow!

(birds singing)

(groaning)

Sorry about tranquilizing you, Stan.

I-I wasn't sure who was doing
the most damage down there.

It's okay.

You did the right thing, Buckle.

You harpooned me.

I told you to go out and get help...

and you harpooned me.

I'm so sorry, Francine.

I just wanted to prove
I'm good in a crisis.

I failed.

Stan, 99% of the time,
there is no crisis,

and you're a wonderful
husband and father.

But what about when there is one?

It's the man's job
to protect his family.

And you can, honey...

by getting the hell out
of the way and doing nothing.

Huh. Do nothing.

Francine, we both know
I'm not going to do that.

I wonder how much damage
the hurricane did

to the neighborhood.

Oh, what a day.

CLEVELAND:
Tell me about it.

I don't even know
where the hell I am.

Looter!
Self defense!

A black and a white talking
as if it's normal!

Peter, what are you doing?

You know me!

Everybody shut up and let me think!

Just let me think!

Stan, have you...?
(fires gun)

(crying)

(laughs)
Oh, man. Classic American Dad.