American Dad! (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 13 - Dr. Klaustus - full transcript

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

Oh, my.
What a cute beret.

Cute?!
Puppies are cute!

Reese Witherspoon before
children was cute.



Ma'am, this hat symbolizes
the Army's transition

into a 21st-century
fighting force

with the power to slug it out

and win campaigns decisively!

It must be fun
to play an Army guy.

Play?!
Puppies play!

Reese Witherspoon plays
to her strengths

when she takes on
middle-of-the-road

romantic comedies
like Sweet Home Alabama!

Ma'am, Sergeant Pepper
serves his country

in the Army Reserves,
preserving freedom!

No matter how dangerous it gets,

no matter who I have to kill...

♪ He's a coldhearted snake ♪



♪ Look into his eyes ♪

♪ Uh-oh ♪

♪ He's been telling lies ♪

♪ He's a lover boy at play... ♪

Oh, I have to take this.

I love hanging out with your parents.

They were right about my colors.

I am an autumn.

Yeah, my folks are the best.

Hey, Dads.

Why are we pretending to
be his parents again?

Because neither one of us

has anything left
to say to each other.

You know what I'm talking about.

We're bored, and we've
been bored for years.

I know.

Sorry I'm late.

I was in IKEA, and I couldn't
figure out how to leave.

Every path led back
to "Home Office."

It's okay, Dr. Penguin.

I've been feeling
really guilty about...

Hold on.

Well, I've just been...

Oh, hang on.

There we go. Shoot.

Dr. Penguin,
I'm still hiding

my new girlfriend from my mom and dad.

Uh-oh.
That's normal--

a teenager embarrassed of his parents.

It's more than that.

I've actually been
pretending my neighbors,

Greg and Terry, are my parents.

Yes, I know them.
I painted them.

My folks would be devastated
if they knew the truth.

What should I do?

Wow. I am hungrier
than I thought.

And you need to keep lying.

What?!

Eventually, it'll become second nature

and you'll stop feeling guilty.

Okay.

Thanks, Dr. Penguin.

I always feel safe here.

How many times have you

been playing with yourself a day?

Three. We're going to up that to five.

You can take this prescription

to any room in the house
with Kleenex and have it filled.

Thanks, Doc.

Ugh. I can't believe the family
comes to you for therapy.

People shouldn't ignore their emotions

and avoid their problems.

What do you know?
You're just a stupid fish.

I am a man in a fish's body.

I studied psychology
at Frankfurt University!

If they came to me
with their problems,

I could actually help
them, not to mention get

the respect I deserve in this family!

Snow globe!

No! Nooooooo!

I've got a couple more hours
here at the office, honey,

but I'll definitely be home
for dinner.

Babe, I got to go.

Somebody just dropped a bunch
of work on my desk.

What?

I eat here every day before I go home

because I can't stand
my wife's cooking.

What, you never lie to your wife?

Sir, I'm a woman.

Uh, of course you are.

I should have noticed.
You're clearly pregnant.

No, I'm not.

Of course you're not.

You're far too old to be pregnant.

I'm 23.

Well, I would apologize to you

if you didn't look like a fat old man.

It doesn't mean I love her any less.

It's just her food, right?

Of course.
What's important here

is to avoid the truth at all costs.

I've always said,
"What's important here

is to avoid the truth
at all costs."

Jeff, we're ready for you.

Hey.

Hi.

Whenever Hayley wants to have sex,

I have to think about Francine.

It's the only way I can get excited.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jeff, do you have belly hair?

What? We'll circle back, Jeff.

My advice to you is to stop
worrying about it.

Ugh. What?!

It's natural to think about Francine

when you're sleeping with Hayley.

No!
That's terrible advice!

What people don't know
can't hurt them.

Oh, you're so
wise, Dr. P.

No! Listen to me!

Relationships are much stronger

when they are based
on truth and honesty.

Punch a fish, make a wish.

Can Cost Plus make something

that doesn't smell funny
and break two days later?

So nice of you to have me to dinner.

I don't ordinarily
dine with my patients.

I tend to suck on food erotically,

and it makes people uncomfortable.

Lentils are ready.

Delicious!

Mail came.

I'm going to eat after I do my miles.

Mmm! Mmm. Mmm.

Who's Sergeant Pepper?

Well, thank you for a lovely evening.

I see you didn't open
the wine I brought,

so I am taking it with me.

Just drinking a nice young
Beaujolais with the boys.

Heard I got some mail.

Oh. I see.

It's happened.

I've been called on to serve.

What? Where?
In Iraq.

Oh, no!
It's all right, ma'am.

That's what all that
training was for, I suppose.

Say your prayers, Iraqis,
and I'll say mine.

Ow! I stepped
on that glass!

I stepped on that
mother-lovin' glass!

You're all sued when I get back!

Wait. Can I still see
Dr. Penguin?

If Pepper's going to Iraq,

I think it's pretty
obvious that Dr. Penguin

will be staying with his
Aunt Evelyn for a while.

Wait. You can't
go to Iraq.

I'm still lying to Jeff

about where I go
when I say I'm jogging.

I need Dr. Penguin
to tell me it's fine.

No can do.
It's official.

Bye-bye, Dr. Penguin!

Dr. Klaus is in the house.

Well, who else shall I send to Iraq?

That jerk at the dry cleaners
who lost my tie.

How could this happen?

You're not even in the Reserves.

Don't worry. I know a place
where they'll never find me.

Shh...

Save your tears, maggots.

I'm off to Iraq to
preserve your freedom.

Keep you in two-ply
toilet paper and soy milk.

You pansies make me sick!

Mmm.
Mmm, mmm.

Wait for me.

Good day to everyone.

I just wanted to say
that I will be taking over

Dr. Penguin's practice
while he's away.

You can't just put on glasses

and pretend to be a doctor, Klaus.

The glasses are prescription,
and I am not pretending.

Ugh. Stop talking, fish.

I am not a fish.

I am a man in a fish's body.

Look, all of you have serious issues,

and I can help you.

Now, I will have office hours
in the attic from 9:00 to 5:00.

Or whenever.

Any time is good.

If you can't find me,

check the pantry.

I go in there

to eat baking chocolate

and cry sometimes.

Can you help me, Klaus?

Of course I can help you.

I can't find my phone.
Have you seen it?

Ph-Phone?!

But what about the lies
you tell your husband?

Oh, wait.

I left it in the kitchen.

You hear an IED
blew a troop transport

over on its side yesterday?
Yes, Sergeant.

On the got-dang
main road.

Till they get a Boomerang

anti-sniper system on
that son of a bitch,

I'd rather drag ass through
the streets on foot.

Uh, Sarge, the bot isn't working.

It stopped halfway to the target.

I'm suiting up.

But, sir, don't you think...

I don't think.

That's why I'm the perfect soldier.

And the perfect guy
to watch movies with.

I don't poke holes.
I just enjoy the ride.

Give me some sizzle.

I'm going in on foot.

He is the ballsiest
outhouse cleaner we got.

Let's do this.

Oh, we got a meat clog, Private.

Up the suction.

No one showed up
to my office hours, Charlie.

I... I just can't get them
to take me seriously.

Why, that's good advice, Charlie.

I'll... I'll try that.

What?
Now, that's strange.

Did you wait three days
to cash it like I asked you?

Because I have the money.

I have, like, way more money
than that, even.

I don't have very much money.

Here we go.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Hello, Stan.

What now?

What now?
Oh, nothing.

Just that Steve has a girlfriend
he hasn't introduced you to.

What? He doesn't
have a girlfriend.

He does.

He's so embarrassed
of you and Francine

that he's pretending
Greg and Terry are his parents.

Look, there they are now,

acting out Rocky Horror.

Francine, get in here.

What happened?
Did I win?

Steve is pretending that Greg
and Terry are his parents!

What?

That little son of a b's
got a girlfriend

and he's hiding us from her
because he's embarrassed.

You should
talk to a professional.

Now, my office hours
are 9:00 to--

That four-eyed bastard!

That malnourished, pasty geek!

I knew I should've aborted him.

Goodness!

How you doing in there, Sarge?

It's 110 in here
and I'm on the wrong end

of a falafel plate,
that's how I'm doing.

Damn it!
The Shnozzle attachment fell in.

I don't like
this, it's too quiet.

Get outta there, Sarge.

Just need a few more seconds...

Oh.

Sarge, don't go in!

It's not worth it!

We got a native inbound!

Come on! Get outta there.

Oh, man! Oh, man!

Maybe he's just going number one.

He's got a magazine!

Our Father, Who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.

We know you have a girlfriend!

Me?! A girlfriend?!

Isn't that a little far fetched?

It is a little far fetched...

You just saw her, Stan!

I just saw her, Steve!

Klaus, what the hell?!

What the hell, you!

Tell them how you feel, Steve.

I feel like I can't
bring anyone around here

'cause Dad's a lunatic!

And if he doesn't drive 'em away,

Mom's food will probably kill them!

How dare you!

I'm a great cook!

Yes! The best!
So much!

Come on, Stan, it's
your turn to be honest.

Leaving work at
4:00 every day...

the pre-eating...

What's he talking about?

Sometimes I'll have
a snack before dinner...

Your cooking goes here!

He hasn't eaten a meal
of yours in ten years!

Some of these wolves
are fourth generation!

Inbred dinner wolves!

This is what I'm talking about!

Embarrassing!

Stan, you have some nerve!

Francine.

The "emergency fund?"

Wait, wait, wait,
what's the emergency fund?

So I take $50 from
your wallet every week.

For...

Drugs.

What?!
Drugs.

Drugs, okay?

Jeff and Hayley, come in.

We're undoing years of damage
caused by Dr. Penguin.

Come on, Jeff, out with it.

No way.

I'll start you off and you finish.

Hayley, Jeff can only
have sex with you if...

if...

he's thinking about your mother.

Oops, I said the whole thing.

That's sick!

Hayley, you should be honest about

what you really do
when you go "jogging."

You shut your mouth.

She's playing Ultimate
Frisbee without you.

Noooo!

Why, Hayley?!
Why?!

Because this is you throwing.

"Ehh."

And this is you catching.

"Ahh!"

That's wonderful mime work!

I guess you're just
good at everything!

Jeff, wait! Now that
the truth is out,

we need to discuss ways for you
and Hayley to regain intimacy!

Yeah, Jeff, come back.

I came out of your favorite place.

Maybe you can still smell it on me!

I guess Jeff gets turned on
by thieves, huh, Francine?

Shut up, you pre-eating
douche bag!

Okay, guys, guys, if we do the
work, we can get through this...

This is why I don't bring
my girlfriend home!

You know what they're doing
at my two dads' house?

Eating cheeses!

From Europe!

Sans crackers!

That's right, I said a French word!

I learned it over there!

Au revoir, les enfants!

That means you!

Well, this feels like
a natural stopping point.

Aah! Stop it, Stan!

You destroyed my family!

But if you would all just
listen to me, I could fix it!

The only one who can fix
this is Dr. Penguin!

Ow, okay, fine!

For some reason, Roger is the
only therapist you'll listen to!

I'll get him back!

How the hell is a fish going to
get an alien back from Iraq?

Where's Sergeant Pepper?

Are you in the Army?

Are you in the dummy?

Now where's Pepper?

He's in the Rec Tent.

If you ever need some bitches,
remember, White James.

You Sergeant Pepper?

You the one who cleaned
the toilet by the grotto?

Uh, uh, yes, sir.

You're a wild man, you know that?

He's a wild man, you know that?

I wanna shake your hand.

Thank you, sir.

How many toilets have you cleaned?

I'm not quite sure...

Sergeant, I asked you a question.

Eight hundred and seventy-three.

Eight hundred...
and seventy-three.

That has to be a record.

What's the best way to clean
one of them stink holes?

The way that you don't get
turd in your hair, sir.

That's a good one.

Spoken like a wild man.

Sergeant Pepper.

You've been officially discharged.

Nothin' doin'.

I can't fit in with
civilized society no more!

When I go to bed at night,

I see men hovering over me with
their naked asses in my face.

I'm not ready to leave that.

Ugh, bring me up!

Let me talk to him!

But you have to come back!

I ruined the family!

They need Dr. Penguin!

Tough Titicacas.

What now, White James?

You always think of something, Klaus.

Like when you convinced my parents

to let me go to art school.

Good-bye,
Sergeant Pepper.

What am I doing here?!

This isn't a Chablis.

This isn't my aunt's place!

Aunt Evelyn?!

Aunt Evelyn!
It's me, Rafael!

Rafael Penguin!

Good morning,
Dr. Penguin.

Ready to come home?

Hold onto your wallets.

Thief's in the room.

Cute.

If you even look at her,

I'll pour this hot coffee
down your pants, pervert.

Yeah, well, it'll be the first time

you got me hot in
a while, Frisbee whore.

Oh, look who it is.

The ungrateful son.

Leave me alone, embarrassing
straight parents

or I'll pee in your cereal!

Oh, good, you're all here!

I have a surprise for you!

What's black and white
and lives in Antarctica?!

Halle Berry if she
moves to Antarctica?

No, but that's funny.

Very funny.

It's Dr. Penguin!

Dr. Penguin!
You're back!

Oh, thank god!
Help us!

Don't worry, don't worry.

Klaus filled me in on
the whole situation.

Here's what you all have to do.

Everybody go back to
lying to each other.

That's not going to work.

The secrets are all out in the open.

We can't just forget them.

Oh.

Well.
That's my only thing.

I can't help you.

I guess I'm done
with Dr. Penguin.

Okay, now we can deal with our
problems the healthy way...

Suck it, fish!

There! You hot and bothered now?
Take that!

That hot enough for you, Jeff?
Whoa, oops!

Time to catch up on current events.

Oh, I see Taye Diggs
is still perfect looking.

That's comforting.

He's my constant.

My ebony North Star.

Ach! I give up!

What was that?
I wasn't listening.

See! That is the problem.

No one listens to me.

But now that their secrets are out,

they have to work through
them so they can heal!

Wait, that actually makes sense.

Maybe because I was looking
at US Weekly and not you.

I heard the words,

but I didn't see them coming
out of a stupid fish's mouth.

Say something else.

Why is there a hole in
Daniel Craig's mouth?

He was hungry and I was
feeding him something.

Put down that magazine!

I did it!

That's the first time
I've listened to you.

Maybe it's because it me from
a man and not from a fish...

I have an idea!

Listen up, maggots!

You people have major issues.

You can't run from
them all your lives.

You need to face your problems!

But...

You, sack up and eat your wife's grub!

And you missy, you take
your emergency fund

and sign up for a cooking class!

And you, bring your
girlfriend to dinner!

Be grateful you have
two parents who love you!

And that you don't come
from a broken home

like Reese Witherspoon's kids.

Damn I love that girl!
Plucky!

And you, gussy up for your husband!

Maybe some sort of bra?!
And wash your hair.

Hippies are not sexy, they're dirty!

Exactly!

And you, if you're tossing
it to your mother-in-law

it damn well better be a Frisbee!

Sir, yes, sir!

Hey, no one is dismissed!

Not until you thank this fish!

These are all his ideas!

I'm just an authoritative mouthpiece!

Are these really all your ideas?

Ja, they are.

Wow.

Sorry we didn't listen to you.

Sometimes we forget you are
a man in a fish's body.

Oh, it feels so good
to finally be validated.

How can we ever thank you?

Take your pick, Klaus.

Your family paid for
a full quarter hour.

Eh...

I'll take the ugly one.

Time for Klaus to show how
much of a man he really is.

I'm not very much of a man!