American Dad! (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 14 - Stan's Best Friend - full transcript
Stan refuses to get Steve a pet dog, but Francine buys him one anyway. But when the dog is injured and winds up on life support, Stan is willing to go to outrageous lengths to keep it alive.
♪ Good morning, USA!
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA!
Oh, my God, please don't
tell me Shatner died.
You're looking well.
Our presentation can now begin.
Word of caution,
I would refrain from sharing popcorn
with the gentleman to your left
as I saw him cut a hole
in the bottom of his bucket.
He's kidding.
Popcorn?
Hello.
I'm Steve Smith.
I'm sitting right over there.
What?
In the past, I have personally
made ironclad cases
as to why I am the perfect
candidate to own a dog.
I am an American boy and I both
crave and offer companionship.
But tonight, I'm calling on
other folks
to help me make my case.
This is my best friend, Snot.
I'm Snot Lonstein
and this is my dog Dreidel.
We get a lot of comments
when I walk him.
"Hey, who's walking who?"
is one I particularly enjoy.
That's good fun.
That's enough!
Steve, I've told you over and over,
I will never allow anyone in
this house to get a dog!
Ever!
I agree with Stan.
I'm the only pet this house needs.
What about me?
You can't be a pet unless
someone loves you.
Stan, don't you think
you were a little harsh
with Steve in there?
I'm tired of his constant pleas
for a dog.
It's, "Dog, dog, dog," all day long.
You think you can get something
just by saying it enough?
If that were true,
all I'd be saying is
"Jane Seymour from behind."
Just "Jane Seymour from behind,
Jane Seymour from behind,"
over and over.
Jane Seymour from behind?
Stan, have you considered
that maybe you won't let
Steve have a dog
because of a deeper issue?
You know damn well why!
When I was a boy,
I had a dog named Freddy.
He was my best friend.
But right after my dad left us,
my mom said Freddy was diagnosed
with what is now known
as "Air Bud" disease.
She told me the humane thing
to do was to put Freddy down.
Nooo...
My mom said to.
Please accept your fate with dignity.
Turns out Freddy wasn't even sick.
They just didn't allow dogs at
our new apartment building.
And because of that super sad story,
I will never have a dog in my home.
It's such a sad story
that I won't even undercut it
with a joke.
I'm just gonna let it end sad.
Are you sure you don't want
to come up with some
joke to end that?
Nope.
Keeping it sad.
Stan, we had a dog already.
I don't think so.
We did.
Five years ago you got Steve
an old dog
that peed dust, and you killed it.
We also had another dog named Fussy
that you didn't like or something.
Francine, those were
obviously dreams.
I refuse to discuss
your dreams in the daytime.
Hey, Roger, what's...?
Where the hell have you been?!
You are not going to believe
what's going on in this house.
Things are really going
to pot around here.
Great. It's locked.
I forgot my key.
Of course you never gave me a key.
That kinda bothers me,
but that's not important.
What is important is
what's going on around here!
You're gonna see, buddy,
oh, you are gonna see!
This is great.
Suddenly security's
real tight around here.
You are just gonna lose it
when you see what's
going on in your house!
You are really gonna blow your stack!
The worst part of it
is the disrespect to you,
They are castrating you,
quite frankly.
I'm sorry, but that's
what they're doing.
They are cutting off your nads,
period, end of story.
Oh, you're gonna see it so soon!
Look!
It's sloppy!
It's so wet!
Oh, I love you, too!
What in the hell is that?
It's my new dog, Kisses!
I said no dogs!
Oh, this is good for Steve.
And it'll be good for you
to love a dog again.
I bet Freddy is smiling down
from doggie heaven right now.
I hope he is.
I hope he's up there,
living in a lake house,
driving a kickass speedboat,
eating the foamy grass
he just threw up.
Let Steve keep Kisses, Stan.
Fine. But I won't have
anything to do with that dog.
If he buys a table
at a charity event,
I won't sit at it.
I'm mad at you.
You are consistently
a problem for me.
Whoa!
Taking some liberties here.
Oh, um, okay.
But I'm-I'm only letting you
sit there
because my crotch is chilly.
You're soft.
Like the detergent bear.
Oh, and look, there's a little ear.
Who likes a scratch?
Who likes an ear scratch, huh?
Just gonna snap a pic for Steve.
It's for him, not for me.
Oh, my God, what a cute little
yawn, what a tired little baby!
You were right, Francine.
It feels so good to love a dog again.
Don't throw the Frisbee too
close to the street, Stan.
Don't worry.
The odds of me being involved in
another dog-related tragedy
are astronomical.
Atta boy, Kisses!
Mee-argh!
Oh, it's, it's not fair!
It's not fair!
Why him?! Why?!
No, take me, take me, take me!
Oh, my God!
Smith family?
Yes?!
Well, the good news is
that Kisses survived
the balloon accident.
He's still alive!
Well, yes, but he's only breathing
with the help of a machine.
Oh, God!
He's not dead?
Are you sure?
I don't mean
to question your abilities,
it's just I saw you pull into
the parking lot in a Geo Metro.
That's not a car for a doctor.
That's a sweet 16 gift
for a Filipino.
No!
This...
is an unfortunate situation.
Doctor, is Kisses gonna make it?
Well, most of his vital organs
have failed.
I'm afraid there's not much hope.
Oh, no, it's Freddy all over again!
I know this is hard,
but under the circumstances,
I think the right thing
to do is to pull the plug.
Oh, God! It's so sad!
I won't be responsible
for another dog dying!
Who are we to play God?!
You know who I'd like to see
play God? Borat.
He'd be all like, "My wi..." No.
He'd be, "My-my wif..."
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Well, if you're going to keep
Kisses on life support,
we'll need to discuss
the cost of care.
Oh, here we go!
That's the real medicine, huh?
Cash!
Guess I gotta show
Jerry Maguire the money!
Here, why don't you take it all?
Just so you know,
it was Rod Tidwell who asked
that the money be shown
to him, not Jerry Maguire.
I'm sure in your grief,
you mixed up the characters.
You know, we've never even discussed
what we would do if either one
of us was on life support.
If I was messed up like Kisses,
I'd want you to pull the...
Okay.
... doctor aside and tell him
I'm allergic to penicillin.
Wow, you said "Okay" pretty quickly.
You know, we should
probably see a lawyer
and make a will
to sort this stuff out.
That way we both know
our final wishes will be honored.
Why did you guys drag me out
here to listen
to this boring lawyer stuff?!
You're still here?
Of course I am.
What did you find out?
When's the surgery?
Surgery?
Mr. Smith, I know this is hard,
but Kisses is not going
to recover from his accident.
You're real quick to give up
on this dog, aren't you, Doc?
What's your hurry?
You gotta get your report card out
of the mailbox
before your folks get home?
Look, it's obvious I'm gonna have
to cure the dog myself.
I'm going Lorenzo's Oil on this one.
You're going to fix him?
Why not me?
What, you don't think
I can do a major surgery
because I'm not a doctor like you?
You sound a lot like my tailor,
who also didn't think
I could do things on my own.
♪
Come on.
He's defacing the walls.
Do something!
Oh, no, you don't.
Nuh-uh.
You don't do that around here.
Okay, that takes care
of all the medical stuff.
Now let's move onto the
distribution of possessions.
We're hippies, Bernie.
We don't care about material things.
That's gross.
That's a gross way to live.
Well, we do have a few things.
Uh, there's my Hacky Sacks
and my sleeping bag.
Oh, and I control the master tapes
to Blues Traveler's first album.
What?
Years ago, I was
the tour cook for the band,
and the lead singer,
John Popper, loved my food,
so he gave me the tapes.
They earn about $2 million a year.
What?
Or maybe more.
I don't know.
I haven't really
been paying attention
since I gave the rights
to Patricia, my daughter.
You have a daughter?
Well, stepdaughter.
Yeah, back when I was into cougars,
I married her mom, who was 71.
That's hot.
That's a hot way to live.
Anyway, my wife had passed,
and it was Patricia's 50th birthday,
and I didn't know
what to get her, so...
Jeff, you need to get
those tapes back, okay?
My God!
Is there anything else that
you'd like to share with me?
I think the dude who lives
in your parents' attic
has a crush on me.
He makes me uncomfortable.
Hey, bookworm.
Well, I just did a ton of
research at the library,
but I couldn't concentrate.
They were blasting
Oingo Boingo at top volume.
But I did find this flier.
This woman specializes
in fixing animals
that other vets have given up on.
Look, I know you want to do
everything to help Kisses,
- but this isn't right.
- Hello.
Steve, you've stopped crying.
Well, it's been four days.
I ran out of tissues
and started using
my handy tube sock to dry my tears.
Think my eyes might be pregnant.
Anyway, Dad, it's time
to let Kisses go.
There's no quality of
life for him anymore.
He's right, Stan.
It's my dog, Dad.
It's my call.
Okay, Steve. Okay.
Hey, yin-yangs.
Steve, did you tell them
you want to pull the plug?
I at least want to be there when...
Oh, my God, look at your hair.
It's getting so long.
How sweaty is your nape right now?
You're doing the right thing.
Your husband was here earlier
to say good-bye in private.
Don't you worry, Kisses.
Dr. Lizzy's going to fix you
right up.
You like music?
My friend, Klaus, made us
a mix tape for the drive.
Hey, Stan. Hey, Kisses.
Hope this tape makes your
journey a little more rockin'.
♪ Sent a letter on a long summer day ♪
♪ Made of silver, not of clay
♪ Oh, I've been running
down this dusty road ♪
Klaus, you dick.
♪ Oh, the wheel in the sky
keeps on turning... ♪
Dr. Lizzy?
My name is Stan Smith.
My dog, Kisses, was crushed
by a hot air balloon
full of pirate cats.
Can you help me?
Come in.
Thanks. Is it cool
that I parked there?
Kisses is being prepped for surgery.
He's going to be fine.
You were stuck in what I like to call
the "Western Pharma-cycle."
Veterinarians give pets diseases,
and then sell owners medicine
that cures those diseases,
but gives them different diseases.
Oh, it's a great business model...
if you're the Devil!
You have a beautiful laugh.
So, you see, Patricia,
I'm remarried now,
and we could really use
the Blues Traveler money.
No way.
Okay, we thought you might resist,
which is why we brought our lawyer.
Bernie, do your thing.
Alright, ma'am, I understand
that you're determined
to keep the money.
I just have one question.
Will you marry me?
What?!
Yes! Yes, of course I ll!
Bernie!
You know he's just doing
this for the money.
I know.
But we'll still have
lots of sex, right, Bern?
Maybe.
Oh, my God.
My baby's getting married!
Jeff!
We are paying for the wedding.
I don't want to hear
another word about it.
Thanks, Dad.
Well?
The procedure was a success.
We saved Kisses.
Oh, thank you, Dr. Lizzy!
Can I see him?
I'll do you one better.
Call him.
Kisses. Kisses.
It's Daddy.
Come to Daddy. Come to...
Well, what do you think?
Where... where are his eyes?
He was blinded by the accident,
so I removed his eyeballs
and put them where his
testicles used to be.
Dogs deserve dignity, too, sir.
Is his head a...
a baseball mitt?
Softball mitt.
Know what I'm saying?
A wink.
Saying it without saying it.
I like-a the ladies.
This... this isn't how
I pictured he'd turn out.
Stan, you wanted me
to keep Kisses alive, and I did.
You told me to do anything
and everything I could.
Did you not tell me that?
No, I-I did. I did.
Good.
Now, here's the bill.
$6,000?
Well, I also fixed your car.
Stan, this is the sixth
message I've left.
Please call me when you get this.
Hey, look what I found.
My smile.
You know where it was?
Four minutes into The Today Show.
Thank you, Al Roker,
for talking to those fat women
holding a banner that said
"Minnesota Cheese Queens."
Oh, I'm worried about your father.
He was just so
distraught over Kisses,
God knows what he'll...
Stan, where have you been?
Doing what none of you
thought could be done.
I saved Kisses.
Okay, I don't know what you did,
but all Kisses needs is to
be put out of his misery.
Misery? You call this misery?
Kisses, come on, boy.
Oh, my God!
Please kill this dog!
End this!
I know he's initially
hard to look at,
but it's still Kisses.
Look deep into his eyes,
which are now his
balls, and you'll see.
Okay, whatever that is,
it's not Kisses.
Don't listen to her, Kisses.
You're still Daddy's little fella.
Is that Kisses?
Oh, my God.
Oh, no!
No, now, this dog I like.
He can stay.
♪
Freddy!
Hop in, Stan.
Where are we?
This is Heaven.
Grab me something cold, will you?
Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah. Come on, bro.
Look, Stan, this nonsense
you got going on with
Kisses isn't right.
But Dr. Lizzy said that...
Dr. Lizzy's a mental patient, okay?
Look, take it from another dog.
If Kisses can't run and play and do
all that crap we like,
then what's the point?
Maybe...
I don't know.
Stan, let Kisses go.
Saving him won't bring me back.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
It's okay, man.
You want to drive?
I got to quit these things.
I got to quit these things, too.
But I can't.
I got too much of my dad in me.
All right, Kisses. You ready?
Three, two, one.
Stan!
I blew up Kisses with dynamite.
What? Why?
Because of Freddy.
Because of you, Freddy.
This is nice.
Hey, Freddy, Trish thinks
the new guy is cute.
Penny!
You're going to do just fine here.
Yeah, you got to kill
those sometimes.
♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA!
Oh, my God, please don't
tell me Shatner died.
You're looking well.
Our presentation can now begin.
Word of caution,
I would refrain from sharing popcorn
with the gentleman to your left
as I saw him cut a hole
in the bottom of his bucket.
He's kidding.
Popcorn?
Hello.
I'm Steve Smith.
I'm sitting right over there.
What?
In the past, I have personally
made ironclad cases
as to why I am the perfect
candidate to own a dog.
I am an American boy and I both
crave and offer companionship.
But tonight, I'm calling on
other folks
to help me make my case.
This is my best friend, Snot.
I'm Snot Lonstein
and this is my dog Dreidel.
We get a lot of comments
when I walk him.
"Hey, who's walking who?"
is one I particularly enjoy.
That's good fun.
That's enough!
Steve, I've told you over and over,
I will never allow anyone in
this house to get a dog!
Ever!
I agree with Stan.
I'm the only pet this house needs.
What about me?
You can't be a pet unless
someone loves you.
Stan, don't you think
you were a little harsh
with Steve in there?
I'm tired of his constant pleas
for a dog.
It's, "Dog, dog, dog," all day long.
You think you can get something
just by saying it enough?
If that were true,
all I'd be saying is
"Jane Seymour from behind."
Just "Jane Seymour from behind,
Jane Seymour from behind,"
over and over.
Jane Seymour from behind?
Stan, have you considered
that maybe you won't let
Steve have a dog
because of a deeper issue?
You know damn well why!
When I was a boy,
I had a dog named Freddy.
He was my best friend.
But right after my dad left us,
my mom said Freddy was diagnosed
with what is now known
as "Air Bud" disease.
She told me the humane thing
to do was to put Freddy down.
Nooo...
My mom said to.
Please accept your fate with dignity.
Turns out Freddy wasn't even sick.
They just didn't allow dogs at
our new apartment building.
And because of that super sad story,
I will never have a dog in my home.
It's such a sad story
that I won't even undercut it
with a joke.
I'm just gonna let it end sad.
Are you sure you don't want
to come up with some
joke to end that?
Nope.
Keeping it sad.
Stan, we had a dog already.
I don't think so.
We did.
Five years ago you got Steve
an old dog
that peed dust, and you killed it.
We also had another dog named Fussy
that you didn't like or something.
Francine, those were
obviously dreams.
I refuse to discuss
your dreams in the daytime.
Hey, Roger, what's...?
Where the hell have you been?!
You are not going to believe
what's going on in this house.
Things are really going
to pot around here.
Great. It's locked.
I forgot my key.
Of course you never gave me a key.
That kinda bothers me,
but that's not important.
What is important is
what's going on around here!
You're gonna see, buddy,
oh, you are gonna see!
This is great.
Suddenly security's
real tight around here.
You are just gonna lose it
when you see what's
going on in your house!
You are really gonna blow your stack!
The worst part of it
is the disrespect to you,
They are castrating you,
quite frankly.
I'm sorry, but that's
what they're doing.
They are cutting off your nads,
period, end of story.
Oh, you're gonna see it so soon!
Look!
It's sloppy!
It's so wet!
Oh, I love you, too!
What in the hell is that?
It's my new dog, Kisses!
I said no dogs!
Oh, this is good for Steve.
And it'll be good for you
to love a dog again.
I bet Freddy is smiling down
from doggie heaven right now.
I hope he is.
I hope he's up there,
living in a lake house,
driving a kickass speedboat,
eating the foamy grass
he just threw up.
Let Steve keep Kisses, Stan.
Fine. But I won't have
anything to do with that dog.
If he buys a table
at a charity event,
I won't sit at it.
I'm mad at you.
You are consistently
a problem for me.
Whoa!
Taking some liberties here.
Oh, um, okay.
But I'm-I'm only letting you
sit there
because my crotch is chilly.
You're soft.
Like the detergent bear.
Oh, and look, there's a little ear.
Who likes a scratch?
Who likes an ear scratch, huh?
Just gonna snap a pic for Steve.
It's for him, not for me.
Oh, my God, what a cute little
yawn, what a tired little baby!
You were right, Francine.
It feels so good to love a dog again.
Don't throw the Frisbee too
close to the street, Stan.
Don't worry.
The odds of me being involved in
another dog-related tragedy
are astronomical.
Atta boy, Kisses!
Mee-argh!
Oh, it's, it's not fair!
It's not fair!
Why him?! Why?!
No, take me, take me, take me!
Oh, my God!
Smith family?
Yes?!
Well, the good news is
that Kisses survived
the balloon accident.
He's still alive!
Well, yes, but he's only breathing
with the help of a machine.
Oh, God!
He's not dead?
Are you sure?
I don't mean
to question your abilities,
it's just I saw you pull into
the parking lot in a Geo Metro.
That's not a car for a doctor.
That's a sweet 16 gift
for a Filipino.
No!
This...
is an unfortunate situation.
Doctor, is Kisses gonna make it?
Well, most of his vital organs
have failed.
I'm afraid there's not much hope.
Oh, no, it's Freddy all over again!
I know this is hard,
but under the circumstances,
I think the right thing
to do is to pull the plug.
Oh, God! It's so sad!
I won't be responsible
for another dog dying!
Who are we to play God?!
You know who I'd like to see
play God? Borat.
He'd be all like, "My wi..." No.
He'd be, "My-my wif..."
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Well, if you're going to keep
Kisses on life support,
we'll need to discuss
the cost of care.
Oh, here we go!
That's the real medicine, huh?
Cash!
Guess I gotta show
Jerry Maguire the money!
Here, why don't you take it all?
Just so you know,
it was Rod Tidwell who asked
that the money be shown
to him, not Jerry Maguire.
I'm sure in your grief,
you mixed up the characters.
You know, we've never even discussed
what we would do if either one
of us was on life support.
If I was messed up like Kisses,
I'd want you to pull the...
Okay.
... doctor aside and tell him
I'm allergic to penicillin.
Wow, you said "Okay" pretty quickly.
You know, we should
probably see a lawyer
and make a will
to sort this stuff out.
That way we both know
our final wishes will be honored.
Why did you guys drag me out
here to listen
to this boring lawyer stuff?!
You're still here?
Of course I am.
What did you find out?
When's the surgery?
Surgery?
Mr. Smith, I know this is hard,
but Kisses is not going
to recover from his accident.
You're real quick to give up
on this dog, aren't you, Doc?
What's your hurry?
You gotta get your report card out
of the mailbox
before your folks get home?
Look, it's obvious I'm gonna have
to cure the dog myself.
I'm going Lorenzo's Oil on this one.
You're going to fix him?
Why not me?
What, you don't think
I can do a major surgery
because I'm not a doctor like you?
You sound a lot like my tailor,
who also didn't think
I could do things on my own.
♪
Come on.
He's defacing the walls.
Do something!
Oh, no, you don't.
Nuh-uh.
You don't do that around here.
Okay, that takes care
of all the medical stuff.
Now let's move onto the
distribution of possessions.
We're hippies, Bernie.
We don't care about material things.
That's gross.
That's a gross way to live.
Well, we do have a few things.
Uh, there's my Hacky Sacks
and my sleeping bag.
Oh, and I control the master tapes
to Blues Traveler's first album.
What?
Years ago, I was
the tour cook for the band,
and the lead singer,
John Popper, loved my food,
so he gave me the tapes.
They earn about $2 million a year.
What?
Or maybe more.
I don't know.
I haven't really
been paying attention
since I gave the rights
to Patricia, my daughter.
You have a daughter?
Well, stepdaughter.
Yeah, back when I was into cougars,
I married her mom, who was 71.
That's hot.
That's a hot way to live.
Anyway, my wife had passed,
and it was Patricia's 50th birthday,
and I didn't know
what to get her, so...
Jeff, you need to get
those tapes back, okay?
My God!
Is there anything else that
you'd like to share with me?
I think the dude who lives
in your parents' attic
has a crush on me.
He makes me uncomfortable.
Hey, bookworm.
Well, I just did a ton of
research at the library,
but I couldn't concentrate.
They were blasting
Oingo Boingo at top volume.
But I did find this flier.
This woman specializes
in fixing animals
that other vets have given up on.
Look, I know you want to do
everything to help Kisses,
- but this isn't right.
- Hello.
Steve, you've stopped crying.
Well, it's been four days.
I ran out of tissues
and started using
my handy tube sock to dry my tears.
Think my eyes might be pregnant.
Anyway, Dad, it's time
to let Kisses go.
There's no quality of
life for him anymore.
He's right, Stan.
It's my dog, Dad.
It's my call.
Okay, Steve. Okay.
Hey, yin-yangs.
Steve, did you tell them
you want to pull the plug?
I at least want to be there when...
Oh, my God, look at your hair.
It's getting so long.
How sweaty is your nape right now?
You're doing the right thing.
Your husband was here earlier
to say good-bye in private.
Don't you worry, Kisses.
Dr. Lizzy's going to fix you
right up.
You like music?
My friend, Klaus, made us
a mix tape for the drive.
Hey, Stan. Hey, Kisses.
Hope this tape makes your
journey a little more rockin'.
♪ Sent a letter on a long summer day ♪
♪ Made of silver, not of clay
♪ Oh, I've been running
down this dusty road ♪
Klaus, you dick.
♪ Oh, the wheel in the sky
keeps on turning... ♪
Dr. Lizzy?
My name is Stan Smith.
My dog, Kisses, was crushed
by a hot air balloon
full of pirate cats.
Can you help me?
Come in.
Thanks. Is it cool
that I parked there?
Kisses is being prepped for surgery.
He's going to be fine.
You were stuck in what I like to call
the "Western Pharma-cycle."
Veterinarians give pets diseases,
and then sell owners medicine
that cures those diseases,
but gives them different diseases.
Oh, it's a great business model...
if you're the Devil!
You have a beautiful laugh.
So, you see, Patricia,
I'm remarried now,
and we could really use
the Blues Traveler money.
No way.
Okay, we thought you might resist,
which is why we brought our lawyer.
Bernie, do your thing.
Alright, ma'am, I understand
that you're determined
to keep the money.
I just have one question.
Will you marry me?
What?!
Yes! Yes, of course I ll!
Bernie!
You know he's just doing
this for the money.
I know.
But we'll still have
lots of sex, right, Bern?
Maybe.
Oh, my God.
My baby's getting married!
Jeff!
We are paying for the wedding.
I don't want to hear
another word about it.
Thanks, Dad.
Well?
The procedure was a success.
We saved Kisses.
Oh, thank you, Dr. Lizzy!
Can I see him?
I'll do you one better.
Call him.
Kisses. Kisses.
It's Daddy.
Come to Daddy. Come to...
Well, what do you think?
Where... where are his eyes?
He was blinded by the accident,
so I removed his eyeballs
and put them where his
testicles used to be.
Dogs deserve dignity, too, sir.
Is his head a...
a baseball mitt?
Softball mitt.
Know what I'm saying?
A wink.
Saying it without saying it.
I like-a the ladies.
This... this isn't how
I pictured he'd turn out.
Stan, you wanted me
to keep Kisses alive, and I did.
You told me to do anything
and everything I could.
Did you not tell me that?
No, I-I did. I did.
Good.
Now, here's the bill.
$6,000?
Well, I also fixed your car.
Stan, this is the sixth
message I've left.
Please call me when you get this.
Hey, look what I found.
My smile.
You know where it was?
Four minutes into The Today Show.
Thank you, Al Roker,
for talking to those fat women
holding a banner that said
"Minnesota Cheese Queens."
Oh, I'm worried about your father.
He was just so
distraught over Kisses,
God knows what he'll...
Stan, where have you been?
Doing what none of you
thought could be done.
I saved Kisses.
Okay, I don't know what you did,
but all Kisses needs is to
be put out of his misery.
Misery? You call this misery?
Kisses, come on, boy.
Oh, my God!
Please kill this dog!
End this!
I know he's initially
hard to look at,
but it's still Kisses.
Look deep into his eyes,
which are now his
balls, and you'll see.
Okay, whatever that is,
it's not Kisses.
Don't listen to her, Kisses.
You're still Daddy's little fella.
Is that Kisses?
Oh, my God.
Oh, no!
No, now, this dog I like.
He can stay.
♪
Freddy!
Hop in, Stan.
Where are we?
This is Heaven.
Grab me something cold, will you?
Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah. Come on, bro.
Look, Stan, this nonsense
you got going on with
Kisses isn't right.
But Dr. Lizzy said that...
Dr. Lizzy's a mental patient, okay?
Look, take it from another dog.
If Kisses can't run and play and do
all that crap we like,
then what's the point?
Maybe...
I don't know.
Stan, let Kisses go.
Saving him won't bring me back.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
It's okay, man.
You want to drive?
I got to quit these things.
I got to quit these things, too.
But I can't.
I got too much of my dad in me.
All right, Kisses. You ready?
Three, two, one.
Stan!
I blew up Kisses with dynamite.
What? Why?
Because of Freddy.
Because of you, Freddy.
This is nice.
Hey, Freddy, Trish thinks
the new guy is cute.
Penny!
You're going to do just fine here.
Yeah, you got to kill
those sometimes.
♪