American Dad! (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - Stan's Food Restaurant - full transcript
Roger helps Stan fulfill his dream of owning a family fun restaurant, but Roger later takes over the project and fires Stan, causing him to create his own rival restaurant.
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ American Dad 6x04 ♪
Stan's Food Restaurant
Original Air Date on November 14, 2010
This place seems
great, huh, Stan?
I couldn't disagree
with you more.
Don't like the chairs,
hate the cutlery.
Food looks boring.
The waiter's ugly.
Let me get you guys
some spit bread.
Stan, you find fault
with every restaurant we go to.
Can't we just once
have a nice meal
without you criticizing
everything?
I'm not criticizing
everything.
I haven't said a word
about how the lighting in here
makes you look like
John Madden.
You look jowly here,
eyes look sunken here,
and boom, you're working
on a second chin.
Cat whiskers.
Why can't we find
a single restaurant
that's good enough
for you?!
What the hell?!
Oh, the hell? You
want the hell, huh?!
I'll tell you the hell!
Take the wheel while
I look off reflectively.
I was eight years old,
and my dad had just left us.
I thought
I'd never be happy again.
Come on, Stan.
Little did I know
she was taking me
to the happiest place on Earth.
Hey, little guy! I heard
your dad walked out on you
'cause he didn't love you enough
to stay.
But I know
what'll make you feel better.
At that moment,
I was a hundred percent sure
I was going to be molested,
but it was even better.
Forget about the menu.
Tonight, you can have
whatever you want.
Can I have a
licorice burrito?
Now you're talking!
That was a magical night.
I had chocolate-covered
hot dogs.
I had cherry-pie pizza.
I had the third-worst
diarrhea of my young life.
We closed the place down
that night.
It was the best dinner ever.
Come back any time!
I'll always be here
for you, Stan!
So you weren't molested?
No, that wasn't till
four or five years later.
It was my first week
at Christian camp.
But I'm not ready
to talk about Father Roy.
Boy, he had a set
of paws on him.
What a summer.
Anyway, no restaurant has
ever been as good or as fun.
That's why I'm
always so critical.
I just know I
could do it better.
Then why don't you?
Open up your own restaurant!
But I couldn't do that.
I don't know
the first thing
about the restaurant
business.
Whoa, whoa, pull over!
I think I just saw Roger
in a lawn chair.
Roger, what
are you doing?
Signing you up for an
adult literacy class.
"Nocturnal...
petting... zoo."
Get out of here!
I warned you, Dugan!
Sorry if I was a little
curt with you before.
These junkies
got me on edge.
What do you know
about working with animals?
Nothing. When I get something
in my mind,
I always make it happen.
And I stick to it, too.
No, I don't stick to it.
That's not believable.
But the first part's true.
Dugan, there's urine
in this bottle!
Stan, Roger's the
perfect guy to talk to
about your dream of
opening a restaurant.
He's always doing new things
he knows nothing about.
Do you know where
the office is?
It's right down there.
You new or something?
Yeah. I got kicked
out of my old school
for having too much sex.
Oh, tingle.
My name's Ashley.
My mom's going out
of town next week.
Why don't you come over?
Yes!
Oh, wait.
I just remembered
I promised my best friend
Julie we'd hang out.
Unless you could
bring a friend for her.
Oh! Oh-oh,
yeah. No prob!
Great. Oh, and just
so you know,
I end up going
all the way
on the first date
every time.
Is that okay?
With me, it is.
I would not tell
anyone else that.
Every other boy here
would be furious.
Hey, Roger.
Uh, what you doing?
Sorry, Stan.
I'm under the gun
on this repair order.
I didn't think the demand for 17th
century ironwork was this brisk.
When did you
learn how to weld?
This morning. Didn't
even read the manual.
Just dove right in.
See? Why can't I do that?
You can.
Don't be afraid. Here.
Turn it off.
Listen, I'm actually here
'cause I want to
open a restaurant.
A restaurant? Why?
Well, when I was
eight years old,
my dad walked out on us.
Oh, my God,
your story has moved me!
You have to open
a restaurant just like that!
I don't know if I can.
I know you can.
I'll help you.
I'll help you so much.
All you need is confidence.
Hit it!
♪ Well... ♪
♪ And that's how they do it
from Egypt to France ♪
♪ A big bold step
called the confi-dance! ♪
Bravo! Bravo!
I'm so glad you liked it.
Let's do this.
For you.
You were fantastic.
Oh... these are cheap.
Restaurants are
a tricky business,
and it doesn't look
like you've worked
in the industry before.
Mr. Smith, I'm sorry,
but I don't think
I can approve this loan.
But, sir, please!
Roger, wait.
Do some of the confi-dance.
Okay, listen to me and everybody
lives a lot longer!
Oh, my God!
Roger what are you doing?
I went outside
to feed the meter.
It's cold out there.
Anyway, if you want
to live longer,
you have
to eat good food.
Not canned and frozen foods,
not foods trucked in
from out of state.
No!
Who believes food
should be grown locally
with no pesticides?
Farm to table.
Plate to face.
Because that's the kind of
restaurant my friend is opening.
Who wants to eat
at his restaurant?
Oh, yeah.
Great.
I'd love that.
Plate to face.
Best presentation ever.
Looks like you're in business.
Good morning!
I'd like to open
a checking account!
Roger, I was up all night
building this exact replica
of what I think the restaurant
should look like.
Great. It's your vision.
I am here to help you
realize it.
Yeah?
Kill the work!
I got a long-distance call here!
Larga distancia.
Larga distancia.
Ooh, larga distancia.
Stan, that was the phone call
we've been waiting for.
We got Qui-Lo,
the Laotian midget master chef.
Oh, well, I was kind of thinking
we'd keep things simple and fun.
See, I made up
a sample menu.
Wow, what's, what's
a ravioli burger?
It's a hamburger
with all the trimmings
slumbering
inside a giant ravioli.
Oh, my God,
you and I are going
to get so fat.
Average American fat.
And Qui-Lo, that hunky
little potsticker?
He could cook this
stuff in his sleep.
Are you sure?
Trust me. I know
the restaurant business.
I managed a Hardee's
in Myrtle Beach for three years.
Everyone called it
"Party Hardee's" 'cause
of the buttload of drugs
I was moving through there.
I was "sick" the day
of the raid.
Got tipped off by this detective
whose daughter I saved
from drowning.
But I-I can't go back there.
He won't look
the other way again.
So did your girl say
my girl was hot
and slutty, too?
She didn't say,
but hot sluts hang
out together.
Excellent.
I'll use the condom first.
Hey, guys.
Come on in.
You must be Snot.
Yeah, yeah.
So where's Julia at?
She's right here.
She's a doll.
Yeah, she's super cute.
Everybody says so.
What's that, Julia? Ah.
She says she likes Jews.
Okay, wait a second.
You know that's not a real...
So, Julia seems great.
Steve, can I talk
to you for a second?
I'm out of here.
Okay, so Ashley's
crazy as hell,
but she's good to go.
You have to do this for me.
How many chocolate bars did I buy so your
Hebrew school could go to Mount Vernon?!
11.
Well, I leased the restaurant
truck like you wanted!
Is it Arctic White?
Yeah. It's weird
how white it is.
Weirder than one
of those white dog poos.
Oh, yeah, those are weird.
Have you ever seen
a dog lay one of those?
No. Just seen them on the grass.
Me, too.
Maybe, maybe they
come out brown
and it's some sort of mold or
fungus that turns them white.
Like if you cracked one open,
it might be brown on the inside?
Like a powdered
chocolate donut.
Mmm... Now you're
making me hungry.
How's my dream coming?
I've been running
around so much,
I haven't had
a chance to see...
It's still drying.
Hey, want to come with me?
I'm heading to the organic
farm to choose the produce
for your Cap'n Crunch
vegetable tempura.
Sounds good.
I'll fire up the truck.
Great. I'll follow you on
my scooter if that's okay.
This is amazing.
I can't believe
I'm opening my own restaurant.
You're doing it, buddy.
You're living
your dream.
Not a lot of people
can say that.
Oh, no, look at this.
I got strawberry all over
my brand-new white Keds.
Looks like I just bought a
$45 pair of knock-around shoes.
Roger, I really want
to thank you for helping me.
The truth is, I...
I was always afraid.
I thought it was better to keep
this restaurant idea in my head
because if I tried and failed,
I wouldn't even have my dream
anymore.
Oh God! Farmer Ted,
what's wrong with the cow?
Not a thing.
She's about to
give birth is all.
Oh, that's so damn beautiful.
Promise me you'll call us
when she goes into labor, okay?
We want to be here.
Day or night. Uh...
Here's my home number,
my cell, and the women's shelter
where I'm either
volunteering
or dropping off
my stupid whore wife.
Soup is not a meal, Vera!
Good shot.
Julia's turn.
Um, Snot, she's never
played before.
Maybe you could teach her.
Oh, she's doing it!
Beginner's luck.
Yo, Snotster,
how about you and your lady
give us a little privacy?
Stupid doll.
Did you hear that?
There's no blood going
to my ears, sweetheart.
I'd better go
check on Julia.
You took advantage of Julia!
What?
Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no.
Get out!
What's going...?
Both of you, get out!
No, no, wait!
She was a virgin!
What's that, Julia?
He didn't use a condom?!
You didn't use a condom?
Are you kidding me?
Stan, I thought
I sent you
to Memphis
for napkin holders.
Yeah, I drove all night.
Why is
the grand opening sign up?
We're not opening
for three weeks.
Oh, I moved it up.
But I didn't do
my final walk-through.
I didn't, I didn't do
any walk-through.
Well, no time
like the present.
Take a look. Ta-dah!
Ow! Ow! Did I sprain my wrists?
No, they're fine.
Oh!
No, no. No, I didn't.
What is this?!
Your dream restaurant:
Roger's Laotian Adventure.
But what about
my scale model?
Stan, it took quite
a bit of doing,
but I managed to wipe
my butt with it.
What?
Look, it's time
for some opening-
night honesty.
Your ideas
are terrible.
I've done you a favor.
Qui-Lo, shut up!
I'm trying to talk here.
Wow, Qui-Lo's
freakin' fired up.
This isn't my menu!
Where's the Raisinet carbonara?
Where's the ravioli burger?
Where is it?
It's in your head
where it belongs.
Because it's stupid.
It's in your
stupid head.
You son of a bitch!
You insult my mother?!
If you had half
the culinary talent
she had in her
little finger...!
What?!
Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh!
It's a girl!
Oh!
She's so beautiful!
Oh, look at that!
Would you look
at that!
...in my mother's
little finger
than you have in
your entire body,
you no-talent hack!
You know what?
You're fired!
You can't fire me
from my own restaurant!
Actually,
it's all mine.
The bank wouldn't
lend you 50 cents!
The restaurant, the truck,
the napkin holders,
they're all mine!
But to show you
I'm a good guy,
I got you this. Ta-dah!
The perfect split.
You like that?
Get off my property.
I can't believe
Roger fired you!
He told me all my
ideas were stupid.
You can't let him steal
your dream.
It's too late, Francine.
It's already done.
I'm gonna grab
some shut-eye.
Maybe dream a new dream!
Francine, we've
been driving for hours.
Are we at
the frozen yogurt place yet?
Actually, Stan,
that was a trick.
We're in Philadelphia.
Take a look.
Does this bring
back any memories?
Oh, you want me
to confront Father Roy
about what happened
at camp.
Thing is, I'm not sure
it was entirely his fault.
I may have deserved it.
In fact, I may
have instigated it.
Actually, Francine,
I seduced him.
I don't know why I wanted him,
but I wanted him.
There was no actual
inser...
Stan, no!
This isn't about that!
This wasn't
always a church.
This used to be
Mr. Johnson's restaurant.
Remember the dinner
you had here?
Remember what
it meant to you?
Don't let Roger steal
that dream from you.
Clearly there's some kind
of natural gas leak.
They really have
to stop building here.
Ashley, come on!
It was all a big
misunderstanding.
Really?
Well, is it a
misunderstanding
that Julia's
period is late?!
What?
I don't blame
Snot, okay?
Julia told me she was
the one who jumped him.
Great! So you and I can
pick up where we left off.
Oh, I wish, but I really just
need to be with Julia right now.
She decided not
to keep the baby.
Oh, wow.
Well, uh, Snot and I
are gonna give you
our complete support.
Aw, I knew
you were a sweetie.
And soon I'm gonna
taste that sweetness.
Ah!
This cold locker ought to
relieve my swelling.
Qui-Lo, open the damn door!
Lovers' quarrel?
What the hell
are you doin?
I fired you.
I got a loan
from Francine's parents,
and I'm opening a restaurant
next door.
It's gonna kick your ass.
Ha! You open a restaurant?
You couldn't open
a French whore's legs
with a wheel of cheese.
Well, I've got some help.
He's late 'cause
he has to quit first.
Fine, quit!
You're a bum, Qui-Lo!
You think you can
treat people like this
because you've got
everything going for you?!
Well, obviously you can
because I'm fine with you,
and I'll be rooting for you
in the bike race this Friday!
Wow, Francine!
This is exactly
what I wanted!
♪ ♪
And this is exactly what
I was afraid of.
No one's coming.
Roger was right,
my ideas are stupid.
Stan!
It's a whoopee cushion.
They're on all the chairs.
It's funny.
Something's not right.
Stan!
COOKS & STAN
Welcome, chum!
You got the eats?!
People love
to be greeted.
We're doing that here.
Right this way.
Work in the area?
Actually, I sing
in the D.C. Opera.
Oh, excuse me!
That was
a whoopee cushion.
No.
Here are some
chocolate chip meatballs
to get you started.
Ooh...!
What the...?
My knife went
right through my plate!
Oh, th-the plate is edible.
It's a pancake.
A pancake plate?
What a wonderful idea!
♪ Pancake ♪
♪ Plaaaaa...! ♪
♪ ...ate! ♪
Now don't let
Julia's situation
put you off of sex.
We should take our time
and do it safely.
This bush looks great.
Are you okay?
Oh, Jules,
it's behind you now.
Everything's
gonna be fine.
What did you actually
do in there?
Nothing.
I went in,
gave my number
to any girl
who wasn't crying,
and came back out.
So, now that
everything's taken care of,
you and I can get
some sex going.
No. Julia's just
so emotional right now,
and I just have to spend
all of my time with her.
We have to get rid of that doll!
No way! I'm done!
Mount Vernon, dude.
I hated that trip!
I pooed my pants
on the bus ride there.
That's a long time
to pretend you don't
smell anything.
Don't go in there!
Come eat
at my restaurant!
Hey, Roger,
ya got the eats?
Sorry, Stan,
I'm a little busy right now.
You know, lunch rush.
Welcome. Do you
have a reservation?
Uh...
No problem.
Why don't you have
a drink at the bar,
and we'll see if we
can find you a table.
What can I get you, Mac?
Uh, I'm meeting friends at...
Can I use
your crapper?
Get out of here!
There's a bathroom
in the park!
The service here sucks!
Have you even
seen a waiter?
What am I doing?
This isn't helping me.
Macaroni and sweet tarts!
WAITER & COOKS:
Macaroni and sweet tarts!
Stacks!
MAN
Gah! Good God!
There's a cockroach
in my salad!
I'm terribly sorry!
Wait a second.
This is a food restaurant.
We don't serve salad.
Well, it came from your kitchen!
Roger! Don't-don't worry,
everybody, it's fine.
Don't eat here.
There's a clean restaurant
next door.
If that's really
from our kitchen,
then you can eat the plate.
Delicious.
Tito, I need you
to fix the vibe.
You know what to do.
♪ ♪
Hey, Ashley.
I just came by
to check on Julia.
That's so nice of you.
Julia! No!
Oh, look,
it's her suicide note.
"Dear Ashley,
I'm in a better place.
Have sex with Steve."
Mmm, in loving memoriam
to your best friend's
dying wish...
Wait a minute.
This... this is not
her handwriting.
She was murdered!
We cannot fool around
while her killer is still
on the loose!
Oh! that's it.
I'm out of here.
Snot, it didn't work!
You're a real weirdo!
You know that?
Well, my restaurant's
going under, Stan.
You win.
I acted like an ass.
I'm sorry.
You know,
I'm not even mad.
In fact, I should
be thanking you.
If you hadn't been
such a controlling jerk,
I wouldn't have been mad
enough to try it on my own.
Did you recapture
any of those feelings
from when you were a kid
in Mr. Johnson's
restaurant?
You know, I did.
It really felt good
feeding the people
and making them smile.
So, yeah, it was
pretty much the same.
What do you say we make it
exactly the same?
How do you mean?
What the hell?!
I was in over my head
financially.
But why my place?
No one will suspect
a successful restaurateur
of arson, Stan.
And it's spreading
to mine...
right now.
Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna kill you!
Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa,
take it easy.
You just, you just need
to calm down, okay?
Yeah, okay.
Just relax.
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ American Dad 6x04 ♪
Stan's Food Restaurant
Original Air Date on November 14, 2010
This place seems
great, huh, Stan?
I couldn't disagree
with you more.
Don't like the chairs,
hate the cutlery.
Food looks boring.
The waiter's ugly.
Let me get you guys
some spit bread.
Stan, you find fault
with every restaurant we go to.
Can't we just once
have a nice meal
without you criticizing
everything?
I'm not criticizing
everything.
I haven't said a word
about how the lighting in here
makes you look like
John Madden.
You look jowly here,
eyes look sunken here,
and boom, you're working
on a second chin.
Cat whiskers.
Why can't we find
a single restaurant
that's good enough
for you?!
What the hell?!
Oh, the hell? You
want the hell, huh?!
I'll tell you the hell!
Take the wheel while
I look off reflectively.
I was eight years old,
and my dad had just left us.
I thought
I'd never be happy again.
Come on, Stan.
Little did I know
she was taking me
to the happiest place on Earth.
Hey, little guy! I heard
your dad walked out on you
'cause he didn't love you enough
to stay.
But I know
what'll make you feel better.
At that moment,
I was a hundred percent sure
I was going to be molested,
but it was even better.
Forget about the menu.
Tonight, you can have
whatever you want.
Can I have a
licorice burrito?
Now you're talking!
That was a magical night.
I had chocolate-covered
hot dogs.
I had cherry-pie pizza.
I had the third-worst
diarrhea of my young life.
We closed the place down
that night.
It was the best dinner ever.
Come back any time!
I'll always be here
for you, Stan!
So you weren't molested?
No, that wasn't till
four or five years later.
It was my first week
at Christian camp.
But I'm not ready
to talk about Father Roy.
Boy, he had a set
of paws on him.
What a summer.
Anyway, no restaurant has
ever been as good or as fun.
That's why I'm
always so critical.
I just know I
could do it better.
Then why don't you?
Open up your own restaurant!
But I couldn't do that.
I don't know
the first thing
about the restaurant
business.
Whoa, whoa, pull over!
I think I just saw Roger
in a lawn chair.
Roger, what
are you doing?
Signing you up for an
adult literacy class.
"Nocturnal...
petting... zoo."
Get out of here!
I warned you, Dugan!
Sorry if I was a little
curt with you before.
These junkies
got me on edge.
What do you know
about working with animals?
Nothing. When I get something
in my mind,
I always make it happen.
And I stick to it, too.
No, I don't stick to it.
That's not believable.
But the first part's true.
Dugan, there's urine
in this bottle!
Stan, Roger's the
perfect guy to talk to
about your dream of
opening a restaurant.
He's always doing new things
he knows nothing about.
Do you know where
the office is?
It's right down there.
You new or something?
Yeah. I got kicked
out of my old school
for having too much sex.
Oh, tingle.
My name's Ashley.
My mom's going out
of town next week.
Why don't you come over?
Yes!
Oh, wait.
I just remembered
I promised my best friend
Julie we'd hang out.
Unless you could
bring a friend for her.
Oh! Oh-oh,
yeah. No prob!
Great. Oh, and just
so you know,
I end up going
all the way
on the first date
every time.
Is that okay?
With me, it is.
I would not tell
anyone else that.
Every other boy here
would be furious.
Hey, Roger.
Uh, what you doing?
Sorry, Stan.
I'm under the gun
on this repair order.
I didn't think the demand for 17th
century ironwork was this brisk.
When did you
learn how to weld?
This morning. Didn't
even read the manual.
Just dove right in.
See? Why can't I do that?
You can.
Don't be afraid. Here.
Turn it off.
Listen, I'm actually here
'cause I want to
open a restaurant.
A restaurant? Why?
Well, when I was
eight years old,
my dad walked out on us.
Oh, my God,
your story has moved me!
You have to open
a restaurant just like that!
I don't know if I can.
I know you can.
I'll help you.
I'll help you so much.
All you need is confidence.
Hit it!
♪ Well... ♪
♪ And that's how they do it
from Egypt to France ♪
♪ A big bold step
called the confi-dance! ♪
Bravo! Bravo!
I'm so glad you liked it.
Let's do this.
For you.
You were fantastic.
Oh... these are cheap.
Restaurants are
a tricky business,
and it doesn't look
like you've worked
in the industry before.
Mr. Smith, I'm sorry,
but I don't think
I can approve this loan.
But, sir, please!
Roger, wait.
Do some of the confi-dance.
Okay, listen to me and everybody
lives a lot longer!
Oh, my God!
Roger what are you doing?
I went outside
to feed the meter.
It's cold out there.
Anyway, if you want
to live longer,
you have
to eat good food.
Not canned and frozen foods,
not foods trucked in
from out of state.
No!
Who believes food
should be grown locally
with no pesticides?
Farm to table.
Plate to face.
Because that's the kind of
restaurant my friend is opening.
Who wants to eat
at his restaurant?
Oh, yeah.
Great.
I'd love that.
Plate to face.
Best presentation ever.
Looks like you're in business.
Good morning!
I'd like to open
a checking account!
Roger, I was up all night
building this exact replica
of what I think the restaurant
should look like.
Great. It's your vision.
I am here to help you
realize it.
Yeah?
Kill the work!
I got a long-distance call here!
Larga distancia.
Larga distancia.
Ooh, larga distancia.
Stan, that was the phone call
we've been waiting for.
We got Qui-Lo,
the Laotian midget master chef.
Oh, well, I was kind of thinking
we'd keep things simple and fun.
See, I made up
a sample menu.
Wow, what's, what's
a ravioli burger?
It's a hamburger
with all the trimmings
slumbering
inside a giant ravioli.
Oh, my God,
you and I are going
to get so fat.
Average American fat.
And Qui-Lo, that hunky
little potsticker?
He could cook this
stuff in his sleep.
Are you sure?
Trust me. I know
the restaurant business.
I managed a Hardee's
in Myrtle Beach for three years.
Everyone called it
"Party Hardee's" 'cause
of the buttload of drugs
I was moving through there.
I was "sick" the day
of the raid.
Got tipped off by this detective
whose daughter I saved
from drowning.
But I-I can't go back there.
He won't look
the other way again.
So did your girl say
my girl was hot
and slutty, too?
She didn't say,
but hot sluts hang
out together.
Excellent.
I'll use the condom first.
Hey, guys.
Come on in.
You must be Snot.
Yeah, yeah.
So where's Julia at?
She's right here.
She's a doll.
Yeah, she's super cute.
Everybody says so.
What's that, Julia? Ah.
She says she likes Jews.
Okay, wait a second.
You know that's not a real...
So, Julia seems great.
Steve, can I talk
to you for a second?
I'm out of here.
Okay, so Ashley's
crazy as hell,
but she's good to go.
You have to do this for me.
How many chocolate bars did I buy so your
Hebrew school could go to Mount Vernon?!
11.
Well, I leased the restaurant
truck like you wanted!
Is it Arctic White?
Yeah. It's weird
how white it is.
Weirder than one
of those white dog poos.
Oh, yeah, those are weird.
Have you ever seen
a dog lay one of those?
No. Just seen them on the grass.
Me, too.
Maybe, maybe they
come out brown
and it's some sort of mold or
fungus that turns them white.
Like if you cracked one open,
it might be brown on the inside?
Like a powdered
chocolate donut.
Mmm... Now you're
making me hungry.
How's my dream coming?
I've been running
around so much,
I haven't had
a chance to see...
It's still drying.
Hey, want to come with me?
I'm heading to the organic
farm to choose the produce
for your Cap'n Crunch
vegetable tempura.
Sounds good.
I'll fire up the truck.
Great. I'll follow you on
my scooter if that's okay.
This is amazing.
I can't believe
I'm opening my own restaurant.
You're doing it, buddy.
You're living
your dream.
Not a lot of people
can say that.
Oh, no, look at this.
I got strawberry all over
my brand-new white Keds.
Looks like I just bought a
$45 pair of knock-around shoes.
Roger, I really want
to thank you for helping me.
The truth is, I...
I was always afraid.
I thought it was better to keep
this restaurant idea in my head
because if I tried and failed,
I wouldn't even have my dream
anymore.
Oh God! Farmer Ted,
what's wrong with the cow?
Not a thing.
She's about to
give birth is all.
Oh, that's so damn beautiful.
Promise me you'll call us
when she goes into labor, okay?
We want to be here.
Day or night. Uh...
Here's my home number,
my cell, and the women's shelter
where I'm either
volunteering
or dropping off
my stupid whore wife.
Soup is not a meal, Vera!
Good shot.
Julia's turn.
Um, Snot, she's never
played before.
Maybe you could teach her.
Oh, she's doing it!
Beginner's luck.
Yo, Snotster,
how about you and your lady
give us a little privacy?
Stupid doll.
Did you hear that?
There's no blood going
to my ears, sweetheart.
I'd better go
check on Julia.
You took advantage of Julia!
What?
Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no.
Get out!
What's going...?
Both of you, get out!
No, no, wait!
She was a virgin!
What's that, Julia?
He didn't use a condom?!
You didn't use a condom?
Are you kidding me?
Stan, I thought
I sent you
to Memphis
for napkin holders.
Yeah, I drove all night.
Why is
the grand opening sign up?
We're not opening
for three weeks.
Oh, I moved it up.
But I didn't do
my final walk-through.
I didn't, I didn't do
any walk-through.
Well, no time
like the present.
Take a look. Ta-dah!
Ow! Ow! Did I sprain my wrists?
No, they're fine.
Oh!
No, no. No, I didn't.
What is this?!
Your dream restaurant:
Roger's Laotian Adventure.
But what about
my scale model?
Stan, it took quite
a bit of doing,
but I managed to wipe
my butt with it.
What?
Look, it's time
for some opening-
night honesty.
Your ideas
are terrible.
I've done you a favor.
Qui-Lo, shut up!
I'm trying to talk here.
Wow, Qui-Lo's
freakin' fired up.
This isn't my menu!
Where's the Raisinet carbonara?
Where's the ravioli burger?
Where is it?
It's in your head
where it belongs.
Because it's stupid.
It's in your
stupid head.
You son of a bitch!
You insult my mother?!
If you had half
the culinary talent
she had in her
little finger...!
What?!
Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh!
It's a girl!
Oh!
She's so beautiful!
Oh, look at that!
Would you look
at that!
...in my mother's
little finger
than you have in
your entire body,
you no-talent hack!
You know what?
You're fired!
You can't fire me
from my own restaurant!
Actually,
it's all mine.
The bank wouldn't
lend you 50 cents!
The restaurant, the truck,
the napkin holders,
they're all mine!
But to show you
I'm a good guy,
I got you this. Ta-dah!
The perfect split.
You like that?
Get off my property.
I can't believe
Roger fired you!
He told me all my
ideas were stupid.
You can't let him steal
your dream.
It's too late, Francine.
It's already done.
I'm gonna grab
some shut-eye.
Maybe dream a new dream!
Francine, we've
been driving for hours.
Are we at
the frozen yogurt place yet?
Actually, Stan,
that was a trick.
We're in Philadelphia.
Take a look.
Does this bring
back any memories?
Oh, you want me
to confront Father Roy
about what happened
at camp.
Thing is, I'm not sure
it was entirely his fault.
I may have deserved it.
In fact, I may
have instigated it.
Actually, Francine,
I seduced him.
I don't know why I wanted him,
but I wanted him.
There was no actual
inser...
Stan, no!
This isn't about that!
This wasn't
always a church.
This used to be
Mr. Johnson's restaurant.
Remember the dinner
you had here?
Remember what
it meant to you?
Don't let Roger steal
that dream from you.
Clearly there's some kind
of natural gas leak.
They really have
to stop building here.
Ashley, come on!
It was all a big
misunderstanding.
Really?
Well, is it a
misunderstanding
that Julia's
period is late?!
What?
I don't blame
Snot, okay?
Julia told me she was
the one who jumped him.
Great! So you and I can
pick up where we left off.
Oh, I wish, but I really just
need to be with Julia right now.
She decided not
to keep the baby.
Oh, wow.
Well, uh, Snot and I
are gonna give you
our complete support.
Aw, I knew
you were a sweetie.
And soon I'm gonna
taste that sweetness.
Ah!
This cold locker ought to
relieve my swelling.
Qui-Lo, open the damn door!
Lovers' quarrel?
What the hell
are you doin?
I fired you.
I got a loan
from Francine's parents,
and I'm opening a restaurant
next door.
It's gonna kick your ass.
Ha! You open a restaurant?
You couldn't open
a French whore's legs
with a wheel of cheese.
Well, I've got some help.
He's late 'cause
he has to quit first.
Fine, quit!
You're a bum, Qui-Lo!
You think you can
treat people like this
because you've got
everything going for you?!
Well, obviously you can
because I'm fine with you,
and I'll be rooting for you
in the bike race this Friday!
Wow, Francine!
This is exactly
what I wanted!
♪ ♪
And this is exactly what
I was afraid of.
No one's coming.
Roger was right,
my ideas are stupid.
Stan!
It's a whoopee cushion.
They're on all the chairs.
It's funny.
Something's not right.
Stan!
COOKS & STAN
Welcome, chum!
You got the eats?!
People love
to be greeted.
We're doing that here.
Right this way.
Work in the area?
Actually, I sing
in the D.C. Opera.
Oh, excuse me!
That was
a whoopee cushion.
No.
Here are some
chocolate chip meatballs
to get you started.
Ooh...!
What the...?
My knife went
right through my plate!
Oh, th-the plate is edible.
It's a pancake.
A pancake plate?
What a wonderful idea!
♪ Pancake ♪
♪ Plaaaaa...! ♪
♪ ...ate! ♪
Now don't let
Julia's situation
put you off of sex.
We should take our time
and do it safely.
This bush looks great.
Are you okay?
Oh, Jules,
it's behind you now.
Everything's
gonna be fine.
What did you actually
do in there?
Nothing.
I went in,
gave my number
to any girl
who wasn't crying,
and came back out.
So, now that
everything's taken care of,
you and I can get
some sex going.
No. Julia's just
so emotional right now,
and I just have to spend
all of my time with her.
We have to get rid of that doll!
No way! I'm done!
Mount Vernon, dude.
I hated that trip!
I pooed my pants
on the bus ride there.
That's a long time
to pretend you don't
smell anything.
Don't go in there!
Come eat
at my restaurant!
Hey, Roger,
ya got the eats?
Sorry, Stan,
I'm a little busy right now.
You know, lunch rush.
Welcome. Do you
have a reservation?
Uh...
No problem.
Why don't you have
a drink at the bar,
and we'll see if we
can find you a table.
What can I get you, Mac?
Uh, I'm meeting friends at...
Can I use
your crapper?
Get out of here!
There's a bathroom
in the park!
The service here sucks!
Have you even
seen a waiter?
What am I doing?
This isn't helping me.
Macaroni and sweet tarts!
WAITER & COOKS:
Macaroni and sweet tarts!
Stacks!
MAN
Gah! Good God!
There's a cockroach
in my salad!
I'm terribly sorry!
Wait a second.
This is a food restaurant.
We don't serve salad.
Well, it came from your kitchen!
Roger! Don't-don't worry,
everybody, it's fine.
Don't eat here.
There's a clean restaurant
next door.
If that's really
from our kitchen,
then you can eat the plate.
Delicious.
Tito, I need you
to fix the vibe.
You know what to do.
♪ ♪
Hey, Ashley.
I just came by
to check on Julia.
That's so nice of you.
Julia! No!
Oh, look,
it's her suicide note.
"Dear Ashley,
I'm in a better place.
Have sex with Steve."
Mmm, in loving memoriam
to your best friend's
dying wish...
Wait a minute.
This... this is not
her handwriting.
She was murdered!
We cannot fool around
while her killer is still
on the loose!
Oh! that's it.
I'm out of here.
Snot, it didn't work!
You're a real weirdo!
You know that?
Well, my restaurant's
going under, Stan.
You win.
I acted like an ass.
I'm sorry.
You know,
I'm not even mad.
In fact, I should
be thanking you.
If you hadn't been
such a controlling jerk,
I wouldn't have been mad
enough to try it on my own.
Did you recapture
any of those feelings
from when you were a kid
in Mr. Johnson's
restaurant?
You know, I did.
It really felt good
feeding the people
and making them smile.
So, yeah, it was
pretty much the same.
What do you say we make it
exactly the same?
How do you mean?
What the hell?!
I was in over my head
financially.
But why my place?
No one will suspect
a successful restaurateur
of arson, Stan.
And it's spreading
to mine...
right now.
Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna kill you!
Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa,
take it easy.
You just, you just need
to calm down, okay?
Yeah, okay.
Just relax.