American Dad! (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - White Rice - full transcript

After all of Francine's repressed memories come back to her, she decides to be a stand-up comedienne and gets her own sitcom. Meanwhile, Steve finds a female companion for Klaus, but he quickly grows tired of her.

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Aah!

♪ American Dad 6x05 ♪
White Rice
Original Air Date on November 21, 2010

Damn it, Stan,
I want to talk about this!

Terry, quick,
Stan and Francine are fighting.

Ooh, you think
it'll get violent?



I'll open a good wine.

We'll talk
about it later.

Oh, you always
say that.

And when bring it up later,
you just push it off.

I do push it.

I push it real good.

♪ Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh ♪

♪ Duh-dah-dah-dah-dah
aah, push it ♪

♪ Push it real good. ♪

Coming this way.
Act casual.

Never wants to talk.

Having a cigarette.

I don't care
what the pack says.

Francine, you okay?



My father turned
68 today.

He's not getting
any younger.

I tried to talk to Stan about
moving my parents to town,

but he refuses to
even discuss it.

That must be tough, you two having
the same argument every year.

What? No, we don't.

This is the first time
I've ever brought it up.

Francine, I want you
to come home right now.

I'm not going
anywhere with you.

Oh, this is a
private discussion.

We'll leave you two alone.

I'm sorry, okay?

You're just saying you're sorry because
you want this conversation to be over.

You're right.
You're right.

We need some help
communicating.

I think we should
see a therapist.

Really? You would
do that for me?

For us.

Oh, Stan.

I'll find someone
for us to talk to.

Let's go home.

Aah, I saw it.

Look what I won
at the carnival.

She's beautiful.

Yeah, the good Lord used
every crayon in the box

when he made this gal.

I'm gonna stick an M80 in her
and blow her to bits.

Wait. Why don't you
drop her in my bowl?

I'd be happy for
the companionship

even if it is with a
normal non-speaking fish.

Wow, look at you.

Hooking up
with a colored girl.

Hi, I'm Klaus.

What's your sign?

Pisces?

My husband never
wants to hear me out.

Instead of talking things
through, he just pushes me off.

Don't worry,
I'll fix everything.

Let's start with
you, Francine.

I want you to feel
completely relaxed.

Imagine warm liquid
filling your body--

starting at your feet and
rising slowly to your head.

When I snap my fingers, you are going
to fall into a deep, dream-like state.

So, Stan, want me to
give her the regular?

Yup, Sal, time
for her annual tune-up.

Ooh, mixed nuts

There's quite a few things
I'd like you to make her forget.

She wants to move her
parents to town again, huh?

Every year
on her dad's birthday.

There we go.
There's the winner.

Here's a list of some other things
I'd like repressed this year.

She talked about getting a puppy
again-- let's get rid of that.

She wanted to get
a subway map shower curtain--

need to nip that in the bud.

She wants me to start picking
my shoes up off the floor.

She's also been grousing about
the night I sleep-punched her.

And there's plenty more.

Oh, and while you're
knocking around in there,

get her to love the films
of Emilio Estevez.

How great is that guy?

He's a Sheen,
he's from an acting dynasty,

yet he chooses to be Mexican.

Makes it huge.

Realizes people have
had enough of him,

and is decent enough to fall off
the face of the Earth.

- Emi-lio-ooo!
- No problem.

Do your magic. I'm going to get
a sandwich across the street.

Oh, I'll take a...

Never mind, then.

All righty,
then, Francine.

You will stop
submitting captions

for the New Yorker
cartoon contest.

You'll stop
saying the phrase,

"You are a card, and you
need to be dealt with."

You will awake
in one hour.

You will remember nothing
of this session.

Okay, good to go.

Thanks, Sal.

Francine, you are
stiff as a board.

Next year I'll have you
hypnotize my penis.

Ah.

Hey there, sleepyhead, you up
for a Mighty Ducks marathon?

Sorry to intrude, guys.

It's my father's birthday.

He turned 69 and he's
not getting any younger.

And you want to discuss
your parents moving to town,

but Stan won't talk about it.

Yes. H-How did you know?

Because you come over every
year, say the same thing

and pube-up our hot tub.

I-I don't do that.

Honey, let's go
see a therapist.

Oh, you'd do
that for me?

Ugh. I saw it again.

You know she has one.
Why do you keep staring at it?

I don't trust it.
I don't want to turn my back on it.

♪ ♪

I now pronounce you
man-fish and wife.

Now for my payment.

Honk, honk.

Pleasure doing
business with you.

Uh, hey, I got you
a wedding present.

Oh, Pumpkin, look,
our new home.

Now let's get
this party started.

Great. Here's this year's
list of things I need adiosed.

I'm gonna go grab
a sandwich.

Oh, I'll have a...

And when you awake,
you will remember...

everything Stan has made me
repress over the last 20 years!

No!!

Maybe once in a while,
I can get off.

Let's talk about it later.

Stan, I think we should get
Hayley and Bailey vaccinated.

We'll talk about it later.

Ow! Son of a bitch!
You punched me!

Talk... later.

Why, Sal?

You've been coming here
for two decades--

never once offered
to bring me a sandwich.

Uh... Francine, you've
never been more relaxed.

Your body is filling
with liquid...

Oh!

Emi-lio-ooo!

So instead of discussing
things with me,

you take me to a hypnotist?!

We could've gone to a real therapist
and worked on our problems.

I don't like airing my personal
business in front of an audience.

But I do like using those steel
pee-troughs at the stadium.

I don't know if it's because
it sounds like rain,

or it's just the sight
of all those

eager Johnsons
working together--

Stan...
Let's play "Hide and Don't Seek."

I'll hide in my plate
room, you don't seek me.

We know the game is over
when you've made me dinner.

Oh, my porcelain, ginger-haired
prankster.

No one has a sense
of humor anymore.

Stan, we are going to
talk about this now.

Wait... more memories
are coming back.

This wasn't always
your plate room.

This was my work-space.

Why did I need
a work-space?

Uh, you didn't.

Let's go on
vacation right now.

The Poconos.

Sounds funny.

Hey, I had a secret
hiding place.

What's on this tape?
Nothing.

And we don't have
a VCR anymore

so you'll have to
take my word for it.

Roger still has one.

Because you didn't
buy him a DVD player

like he wanted
for his quinceañera.

♪ ♪

Eh, eh, eh, eh.

Hey! My Angela Lansbury
workout.

Why Miss Lansbury, you ask?

Well, I've come to accept
that I have the body

of a post-menopausal
senior woman.

I do, I'm at peace with it.

Any other woman in the audience

the tallest member
of her family?

Oh, my God, that's right!
I was a stand-up comic!

Well, my adoptive parents
are Chinese.

So I'm the tallest member
in generations.

I go to my family reunion

and they're all like
"Godzilla, aw!"

Funny.

In first grade they sent me home
with lice.

My parents said,
"Of course she has lice.

She has it for runch everyday."

I can say it, you can't.

You're good.

Yay.

Why on earth would
you make me forget

I was a stand-up comedienne?

You started working nights;
it affected my schedule.

I talked to Sal about it,

and he said
I don't like change.

I have an aversion to it.

An aversion.

Can you imagine how hard
that's been on me?

I get it.
I get it.

I'll go get ready
for sex.

You really think
I was funny?

You're hilarious.

All you need is a manager,
and you're on your way.

I wouldn't even know
where to begin to find a...

Sweeps McCullough,
talent manager.

I used to represent
every sitcom neighbor

and sidekick
in the '80s.

I discovered Mindy Cohn,
Willie Aames,

the slow kid
from Life Goes On.

Was that a comedy?
Was to me.

Anyway, I've been down
on my luck as of late,

but I still know talent.

I want to make you a star.

Shut your eyes.

Why?

Ow!

Ow. Ow.

Sorry about that.

I made the confetti out
of cut-up tuna can lids.

Now about your career...

I'm flattered, but this
all happened 20 years ago.

I might not be
good anymore.

Nonsense. Once you've got it,
you never lose it.

You have talent herpes.

I have regular herpes.
Thank you, Mindy Cohn.

So what do you say, you in?

I can't believe
Stan made me forget all this.

Hell, yes, I'm in.

Good. We'll start with

with the standup-slash-topless
bar circuit and work our way up.

I have to perform topless?

You're not topless.

The staff is topless.

You want to get noticed?

Your ha-has have to be bigger
than their ta-tas.

Are you sure
about all this?

Remember when Rudy
from The Cosby Show

got old and stopped
being cute?

I brought them Raven-Symone.

Saw her on a Philadelphia
playground

and knew she was a star.

Snatched her right up.

Six months later, her
parents saw her on TV

and realized
she was still alive.

Did some time for that.

So, you ask,
am I sure about this?

I don't know.

She's a terrible wife.

She has no maternal instincts.

She can't be that bad.

She ate three of the children!

And poor little Susan,
she only ate half of her.

She wasn't even hungry.

She was just eating to eat!

Coming from an Asian family,

my parents had never seen boobs.

No cup size was
bigger than an A.

And that was my dad's.

You know why Chinese couples

can't have their own
Caucasian babies?

Because two Wongs
don't make a white.

I called in a bunch of favors

and put together
a talent showcase

at the mother of all
stripper-slash-comedy clubs.

Hilareola's?

You got me booked
at Hilareola's?!

A bunch of TV execs
are gonna be there.

You're my ticket
back to the bigs.

No. This is exactly what
I was trying to avoid.

My whole world is changing.

Dinner's not on the table,
I'm wearing dirty shirts,

there's no one taking
my shoes upstairs.

We'll talk
about it later.

How does that feel?

By the look on his face,
not good.

You boys are going
to eat her up.

What?

TV people don't
do this anymore?

No.

Stan, what are you
doing here?

I just came to wish you luck.

This is a big night. Huge night.

Now, I don't want
to scare you,

but the place is packed
with TV executives.

Lot of pressure.

If you're trying to rattle me,
it won't work.

Welcome to Hilareola's.

Tonight we have Langley Falls'

blossoming new comedienne,
Francine Ling.

Don't blow it. Your material's
as tired as your face.

How's everyone do...?

Well, you tried, Francine.

FOX ordered six episodes for a
sitcom based on my stand-up.

What?!
I'm leaving for Hollywood.

But I saw you
throw up onstage.

You shouldn't
have left.

She riffed
for 20 minutes

on how Chinese food
looks like vomit.

"Mongolian barf-ecue."

Hilarious!

I'll send for my things.

You can't just leave.

Stan, you don't
control me anymore.

I'm going to live my life,
and you can't stop me.

I'm going, too.

I'm a non-writing producer,

which means I get
paid to do nothing.

I might even
be a hindrance.

I'm gonna call everyone to tell
them Sweeps is coming to town.

I'm gonna get off the plane and
go right to Dana Plato's grave.

I owe it to her.

I killed her.

And that's the news.

We'll be back with sports.

What happens
when an adopted white girl

is raised by a Chinese family?

This fall on Fox.

Francine Ling and P.D. Wang
star in White Rice.

Chopstick around.

It's egg foo fun
for the whole family.

I miss her, Klaus.

Really? I couldn't tell.

What am I gonna do?

Change.
Huh?

If you want her back, then
you're going to have to change.

Don't let your marriage
fall apart like mine did.

I hate your face so much.

I love show night
rehearsal.

It's a chance
to fine-tune the show

before they bring
the audience in.

It's also my chance to pick out
one of the extras to pork.

Hey, Toots, you want
a part on the show?

Let's see 'em.

Sir, that is sexual harassment.

Not if I don't
have a boner.

Know the law.

Okay, Francine,
you're getting ready

for your father's 70th
birthday party, and... action.

Uncle Fung is bringing dessert
and Dan will be home any minute.

Does he have to come
to my birthday?

He's my husband.

We know, but
he is white.

I'm white.

You are a
reverse banana.

You are white on outside,
yellow on inside.

Laugh, laugh, laugh...
You two exit to the kitchen.

Dan, you enter
and cross to Francine.

Dan, I need to talk to you
about something.

My father's turning 70,

and he's not getting
any younger.

I've got dessert.

You're amazing, P.D.

Let's break for dinner.

We shoot in one hour.

We're hitting our
stride, Frannie.

Shooting our sixth episode.

Premiering next week.

I can't believe
my husband

didn't want me to
have all of this.

Well, I can tell you
this...

I need some money
for more coke.

I'm coming, baby.

Do you have a drive-on?

I'm Kristen Johnston.

Oh, yes, of course,
Ms. Johnston.

He's my
husband.

We know, but he is white.

I'm white.

You are a reverse banana.

What?

You are white on outside,
yellow on inside.

Is this where
Francine Ling lives?

Uh, this is a set.

And this is a fist.

Francine, we need to talk.

Stan, what are
you doing here?

I'm not afraid
of change. I...

Oh, I didn't realize
you had people over.

Who is that guy?

It's Kristen Johnston.
Just keep rolling.

Look, I got that gold chain
you wanted to talk about.

I'm also wearing cargo
shorts, like you wanted.

Ten years ago you wanted to
paint the kitchen purple.

I painted it.

I have 20 dogs in the car.

One for every year
you asked for one.

All the things you
ever wanted, I did.

I've changed for you.

It turns out the only change I
can't live with is losing you.

Aw...!

I've got dessert.

Get out
or I'll shoot you.

Stan, I'm touched that
you made all these changes,

but that's not what I wanted.

It-it isn't?

No.

I just wanted to talk
those things through.

I wasn't sure about them.

That's why I needed
to discuss them with you.

Now that I see the kitchen
purple, it looks terrible.

And those shorts
make you look boxy.

And who knows, maybe I wouldn't
like getting off.

Phew.

And as for my stand-up career,

if we had just
talked it through,

you would've realized it didn't
mean I would leave you.

You could have come with me.

There's a CIA office
out here in Los Angeles.

Oh, yeah, I never
thought of that.

This is incredibly
unprofessional.

I'm really sorry, Francine.

This time, I can tell
you really are sorry.

So, I accept your apology.

Aw...

Cut! Lightning in a bottle.

Yes!

Oh, there is no downside
to this drug.

So, you guys want to go get
some steaks at the Brown Derby?

I'd like to make a toast to Francine and to
tonight's premiere of White Rice.

It is going the distance.

That's what I told
Meredith Baxter-Birney

on the set of
Family Ties.

That's when she was still
a fan of the meat rod.

I can't wait to tell the kids
about moving to California.

It's like a dream come true.

You deserve it, baby.

Quiet. The show's
coming on.

Hi, Mah Mah,
what's for dinner?

Eel in cow
eyeball sauce.

It called the guck nu.

Sounds more like
guck ewww.

It's an all-new episode
of Fits In The Hole.

Oh, my God.

Look how fat she is
in that silver suit.

I don't think
she's gonna make it.

Roger, what happened
to White Rice?

Right. It's probably
just a programming mistake.

Yeah, this is Sweeps.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh!

Okay, thanks!

We've been cancelled.

After one joke?

Apparently, the Asian
community is in an uproar.

Oh. well.

Can I borrow
your belt?

And this chair?

Sweeps is dead!

He hung himself! No!

I never gave you my belt.

You didn't?
Give it to me.

Sweeps is dead!

Okay, Bah Bah, bye.

Wow, I can't believe
my father's turning 70.

Stan, I really think we should
talk about them moving to town.

Okay, let's talk about it.

I think it's a
terrible idea.

Me, too.

Stan, I need to borrow
your shovel.