American Dad! (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 17 - Home Wrecker - full transcript
Stan and Francine fight over how to redecorate the house. It goes so far that they split the house down the middle and try to live without each other.
(upbeat march plays)
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ American Dad 6x17 ♪
Home Wrecker
Original Air Date on May 8, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(Francine humming)
Franny, please
stop that humming
or I'm gonna strangle you with
your own hair, baby, okay?
I like the humming.
It shows
her pleasant disposition.
Francine's morning hums are
what help get me out of bed.
Thank you,
sweetheart.
Wanda Sykes is
coming to town.
Good luck selling out
the Civic Auditorium.
The Langley Falls Dynamite
can't even do that,
and they're the best
all-male nude revue
in the greater
Lanceton area.
Yeah, but they lost
Chocolate Don.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
Chocolate Don is back.
Oh, really?
His mom is better?
No, she passed.
So he's back but he's sad.
And what do you have to say
for yourself, Metro section?
Dad, can't you read the
newspaper without talking to it?
It puts me off my meal.
I like when your father
talks to the paper.
Makes me feel like I work
at Murphy Brown.
♪ When will we love the earth
as much as we love ourselves? ♪
♪ In Gaia's name we ask... ♪
Ow!
(guffaws)
You're bleeding!
And it's not even
that time of the month.
Period joke!
(both guffawing)
Hey, babe, we need to pick
a design for our new checks.
I'm thinking hot rods.
We're not putting hot
rods on our checks.
This is the first thing
that both of our names
are going to be on as
a married couple, okay?
We should take
this seriously.
Okay, if you don't want
hot rods, how about hot dogs?
How about no.
Not the food.
I'm talking canines
in sexy poses.
We'll go with
Nelson Mandela.
I don't want a football player.
He's not a...
How could you not know
who Nelson Mandela is?
Idiot.
Dummy.
Jerk.
Whore.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You newlyweds have been
fighting an awful lot lately.
You two need
to model your marriage
after a perfect one,
like...
Ours.
Ours.
You guys?!
Your father and
I have 20 years
of being in
perfect sync.
We just... we
go together.
We go together like, like...
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
BOTH:
♪ We're Stan and Franny,
♪ And we go together ♪
♪ Like ke-ding-a-de-dinga-dong ♪
♪ She's thin
and pretty ♪
♪ And I love him 'cause
he's so big and strong ♪
ALL:
♪ Flim flam fibbity
flommy flop ♪
♪ Bip bop bap boo boo
bah-bee-ee ♪
BOTH:
♪ Stan and Franny ♪
♪ We go together
like Steve's palm ♪
♪ And a gallon
of Lubriderm ♪
♪ I've got a big chin ♪
♪ And that goes great
with my huge vajinny-jin ♪
ALL:
♪ Bah ba biggity doogah dom ♪
♪ Gah zib zib la la far-eed ♪
♪ Blib blop blop blee ♪
♪ Blah blah,
gippity gip ta bot ♪
♪ Gip gop galladawot,
nippity nip ta doo ♪
♪ Moogetee moogetee
moogetee moogetee... ♪
Stop. Where's Roger?
I left in the middle
of the song.
It turned into all gibberish,
and I won't be a part of it.
Anyway, point is:
we're strong.
Where'd you get the food,
greaser dude?
Greg and Terry's.
They're having a big open house
to show off their new kitchen.
New kitchen?
Did they put in a new fridge?
Mm-hmm.
And did they get a new stove?
Yeah.
Yeah, they did.
And did they put in
all-new cabinets?
I, uh, I think so.
Cabi-nots-ah!
All-new cabinets!
Preach it, honey.
Excus-a me?
Oh, a little birdie just told me
about all-new floors!
Hallelujah!
Praise the floors!
(gibbering)
Whoo, whoo!
Okay, okay.
Let's go see it!
Yeah!
(cheering)
Yeah! Let's go! Whoo!
(playing Dixieland jazz)
Okay, Megan Fox and Seth Rogen
come out of a room
containing
only one chair.
Do you sniff
the chair?
Jamie Foxx is not
a Wayans brother.
Think fast.
(laughs)
64 blue, 19 red,
21 brown, 38 green.
142 total candies.
(cries)
Hold up.
It looks like we got
ourselves a magic moron.
You boys ever played a little
game called blackjack?
Principal Lewis, I think
our homeroom hamster is sick.
Think fast.
(hamster squeals)
(laughs)
It never gets old.
Okay, Rain Man,
what cards are
left in the deck?
Three jacks, a king,
two eights, and a four,
definitely a four.
Treat.
Next stop,
the casino.
When Barry signals
the deck is hot,
you boys sit down
and bet strong.
Snot, you're Jewish; you'll
be in charge of the money.
Steve, you'll be in
charge of watching Snot
because I don't
trust Jews.
Come on, let's go
play some blackjack.
Now?
But we have geometry class.
I'll write
you a note.
Dear Math Bitch,
These kids ain't showing up.
Love, your main man.
P.S. One plus one
equals the two of us.
Plus one more
would be nice, though.
Maybe Jill from the cafeteria
or your sister Lisa--
you know, when she's legal.
Our cappuccino maker is now
built right into the fridge.
Ooh, what's this for?
Dedicated drawer
to bring olives
up to Mediterranean
room temperature.
And look, this cabinet
is also a dishwasher.
We put our dishes
away dirty.
Son of a bitch!
We did all of this in
just under three months.
Three months
of living hell.
It put such a strain
on our civil union.
We're fortunate to have
such a strong relationship.
Hey, Mom, maybe you and Dad
should redo our kitchen.
(both laugh)
You two shouldn't even
think about a renovation.
Are, are you implying our
marriage isn't strong enough
to withstand a little
construction project?
50% of all marriages don't
survive a home remodel.
First of all, don't
pretend you're married.
It implies equality.
Second of all, our marriage
can survive anything.
Oh, yeah,
how about this?
If your marriage survives
the remodel,
we'll pay
for the whole thing.
But if it doesn't, we get
your marriage license.
You know that's not going
to make your marriage legal.
No, I know, but it'll be
a moral victory.
We'll cross your names out
and write our names in,
like we did
on the Vietnam Memorial.
(both laughing)
(laughing wildly)
You're on.
This'll be easy
for us
because we're a team.
We're... we're...
BOTH:
♪ We're Stan and Franny,
♪ And we go together like... ♪
Hell, no.
Hell, no!
You do not come in here
and start singing
a musical on my stage!
Terry, calm down.
No!
If anyone's singing a musical
number in this house, it's me.
I will sing the cancan song
from Irma la Douce
and bring you to tears!
He'll do it; you
better go now.
Aah!
Five, six, seven, eight!
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da,
da-da-da-da-da-da-da! ♪
Well, my
weekend's shot.
Thank you
for this.
So you're really
going to renovate?
That's right.
How else are we going
to prove to Greg and Terry
how strong our marriage is?
Seems a little
juvenile,
but as long as we're
getting new cabinets...
(grunts)
(laughs)
So have you hired
a contractor yet?
I could do this
job for you.
Let me show you
some of my work.
I built the addition
onto this home.
Did it on time
and on budget,
including low-flow
gumdrop toilets.
We're not
using you, Roger.
We already
hired someone.
(knocking)
Everyone, meet Uzi Knesset.
Hello, hello.
An Israeli?
All right.
Okay, let's
get started.
What color would you
like the kitchen?
BOTH:
White.
Great, now I have several
different shades of white
for you to choose from.
Snowflake.
Mother's Milk.
Okay, we'll put a
pin in that for now.
I'm okay,
I-I'm okay.
Why is it
only me?
There's our heavy mixer.
Bacon's a little chewy.
Yeah, it's raw.
The stove
doesn't work.
What about the, uh,
bacon machine?
That's what Steve calls his
butt when he's making poops.
Is that what you're
talking about?
Yeah, I guess so.
Have you guys picked
your white yet?
We're still having
a loving debate about it.
Okay, what about your style
of kitchen, then?
Traditional.
Modern.
Modern?
Why do you want modern?
It's cool.
Don't you want
to be cool?
I think you know
I want to be cool.
That's why I bought this.
I'm sorry, but I have to put
my foot down, Francine.
We're going
traditional.
I've got a foot, too, Stan,
and I'm also putting it down
in our modern kitchen!
TERRY:
Knock-knock.
Was that the sounds of
marital discord I heard?
Just came by to measure
your marriage certificate.
We want to hang it next
to the framed picture of me,
when I bumped into Mario Lopez
at a Friday's.
We were just
agreeing lovingly
on how easy
all these decisions are.
We're doing our kitchen
traditional
with Mother's Milk White.
Right, darling?
Yes, of course, dear.
Great, a decision.
So you two boys--
you, uh...?
Eh?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, good for you.
Live!
(man speaking
Chinese)
(indistinct chatter)
Dealer busts.
You win again.
(all cheering)
Dyn-o-mite!
Principal Lewis, we're
raking it in over there.
Uh, why are you dressed
like an Asian man?
I'm in disguise.
I'm into these
Hong Kong mothers
for 22 large
and 14 small.
They charge $14
for a Reuben here.
You know, Knesset,
when I did the demo work
on 312 Gingerbread Lane,
I had to be careful
because a load-bearing candy
cane was holding up one wall,
so I made an I-beam
out of half a Kit Kat.
You are ugly, smelly, not fun,
and just my type.
Tell me what I have to do to
make you fall in love with me.
I've always wanted a bay window.
Is that something
you can do, Uzi?
I can do anything.
Okay. Great.
Let's put in
a bay window.
Are you sure? Maybe you want to
talk to your husband about it?
If he's gonna ram a traditional
kitchen down my throat,
I'll dump out a bay window
on his chest.
The Kit Kat melted
in the heat wave of '06,
so I replaced it
with a strawberry Twizzler.
You're a dour man, Uzi Knesset,
but I love you.
I asked you not to,
but you built a settlement
on my heart.
♪ ♪
All right, boys, time to have a
little fun with the winnings.
Gentlemen,
we're gonna see boob.
Afraid not.
I'd like to bring you boys
in there, I really would,
but the only 14-year-olds
allowed in there
are performing
on the stage.
(boys groaning)
WOMEN:
Brian!
LEWIS:
Ladies!
Alfred
Hitchcock!
Good tail here
tonight, Brian.
(tires squeak)
(whirring)
What's going on?!
I didn't sign off
on a bay window!
I did. I figured
it would let more light in
to see the style of kitchen
I didn't want.
A bay window,
you look at a bay.
Through this, you look at...
I'm really not certain
what this is.
Well, I like
the window, Stan!
Well, dumb bitches
like dumb things!
Stan!
Ah, maybe that was excessive.
Maybe?! You think
maybe, ass-chin!
I want to have a say, too.
You don't know what
you're talking about.
I'm so sick and tired of you
doing everything your way.
This is my house,
I know what I'm doing,
and if you don't like it,
you can take a hike.
(gasps)
They're looking.
I don't want
to lose this bet. Quick.
Pretend you're porking
me in the sink!
We're doing it!
'Cause it's
going so well.
We've been doing this for weeks,
and I'm sick of it.
The four of us win
tons of money,
and Principal Lewis
spends it all
on lap dances
and James Ingram CDs.
I say
screw Lewis.
We can count cards
on our own,
and keep
all the money.
What do you say?
Yeah, screw Lewis!
"Yah Mo B There!"
♪ Yah mo b there ♪
♪ Up and over ♪
♪ Yah mo b there ♪
♪ Up and over ♪
♪ Yah mo b there ♪
♪ Whenever you call! ♪
♪ ♪
(humming)
Hayley, would you
tell your mother
I've got a song
for her to hum?
It's called, "I Threw My
Humming Wife Out the Window.
She Didn't Die, But
She Never Walked Again."
Oh, my God, I'd love to
hear the wheelchair boy
on Glee
sing that.
You know he's not
a real paraplegic.
Isn't that sad?
Indigo Girls are opening
for Wanda Sykes?
A lot of softball-related
injuries in that room.
Stan, quit boring
the newspaper.
It's a wonder it still
shows up every day,
knowing it has
to listen to you!
Keep your voice down!
You want to lose our marriage
certificate to the gays?
Who cares?! I don't like
a traditional kitchen!
Well, I don't like bay windows!
Well, I don't believe
you'll ever sail
around the world!
Well, I've never even listened
to your dreams!
I can't stand
listening to you!
I can't stand
looking at you!
Dad! I can't stand
living with you!
Mom!
Great! Then move out!
I'm not moving out!
Well, I'm not
moving out!
I saw this on
a Brady Bunch.
You stay on your side,
I'll stay on mine.
You got it, pal.
We'll each decorate our side
of the house how we see fit.
I've got a date
with Sam the Butcher.
He's gonna bring me
his big, uncut salami.
(canned laughter)
♪ ♪
Ah, it was so easy back then.
Your side
of the house sucks!
Why? Because my chairs
don't have hooves?
Uh, yeah,
for starters.
Hey, your stupid finger
crossed the line.
Stay off my side!
I can't believe you
guys are separated.
How are you gonna
live like this?
Oh, I'm sure your mother
will be moving out in no time.
How's the smell
over there, Franny?
Too bad that bay window
doesn't open.
Our old window
opened just fine.
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Once the mucus plug falls out,
the next stage of birth
is called the bloody show.
♪ ♪
Check it out, ladies.
Next time your man says
he's going out for Pinkberry,
you better make sure
he's talking about yogurt!
No!
There.
Now we live in completely
separate houses.
I don't ever have
to look at you--
Stan, what do you think
of my mural?
ALL:
Three, two, one.
Happy New Year!
(noisemaker squeaks weakly)
STAN:
Francine?
Oh, Stan.
How have you been?
A little exhausted celebrating
all those holidays in one week
just to make each other
feel bad.
Yeah.
So...
Hey, honey, I found
the frozen waffles.
Who the hell
is this guy?
I don't know.
Oh, sorry. I thought
you were my wife.
She's got that
same sweater.
So, maybe I'll... see you
around the neighborhood.
Yeah.
Stan?
Yeah?
The toilet paper in your cart
doesn't work for you.
You need the one
with the lumberjack on it.
Oh. Thanks.
(wheels squeaking)
(sighs)
(wheels squeaking)
Twenty-one?!
What a pleasant surprise.
We've made
over eight grand.
What are you gonna do with
your share of the money, Barry?
Hire a man to kill
an abortion doctor.
I mean... buy video
games and bubble gum.
I knew it!
You backstabbers thought
you could count cards
without me?
Try to cut me out?
No, sir,
we would never...
Toshi, now!
(gasps)
My Man-chu!
Hey, you're
Brian Lewis.
You owe us
22 large.
Kill the kids!
They're counting cards!
Oh, no.
Kill them all!
Okay. (sighs)
Just keep quiet.
We'll be safe here.
(rapid gunfire, screaming)
(clicking)
Four Berettas,
two Glocks,
and a Smith & Wesson with
a double stack magazine.
All 88 shots
have been fired.
They have no
bullets left.
Are you sure, Barry?
Definitely sure.
Okay, then,
y'all gonna get cut!
(gunshot)
Aah! My hip-hop hooray arm!
(laughs)
They only fired 87.
I knew there was one left.
Why, Rain Kid?
(grunts)
Never touch
a fat boy's candy.
Aah! No! Oh, no!
(yelling)
(humming)
♪ Like ♪ (humming)
♪ Bap, diddly
diddly doo wap... ♪
(Francine humming)
♪ Like ♪ (humming)
♪ Bah-da-be,
de-dooh, be-dah... ♪
(sighs)
Stan?
Francine!
Stan.
Francine!
Stan!
Francine!
Stan!
Francine!
Stan!
Francine!
I miss holding you!
Start making dinner immediately!
Stan! Stan!
Francine!
Stan!
Francine!
Stan!
(rumbling)
(car alarm wailing)
Oh!
Take a picture.
It'll last longer.
I love you, Stan.
Me, too, baby.
But Greg and
Terry were right.
Our marriage isn't strong
enough to survive a remodel.
So let's not remodel.
Exactly.
We're great together,
as long as we don't put
any stress on our marriage.
It's like a rickety
bridge that's fine,
as long as you don't drive
anything heavy over it.
You know, I liked
the house the way it was.
So did I.
Imperfect, like us.
(siren chirping)
U.S. Immigration!
Where is she?
Run, Annabelle!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ American Dad 6x17 ♪
Home Wrecker
Original Air Date on May 8, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(Francine humming)
Franny, please
stop that humming
or I'm gonna strangle you with
your own hair, baby, okay?
I like the humming.
It shows
her pleasant disposition.
Francine's morning hums are
what help get me out of bed.
Thank you,
sweetheart.
Wanda Sykes is
coming to town.
Good luck selling out
the Civic Auditorium.
The Langley Falls Dynamite
can't even do that,
and they're the best
all-male nude revue
in the greater
Lanceton area.
Yeah, but they lost
Chocolate Don.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
Chocolate Don is back.
Oh, really?
His mom is better?
No, she passed.
So he's back but he's sad.
And what do you have to say
for yourself, Metro section?
Dad, can't you read the
newspaper without talking to it?
It puts me off my meal.
I like when your father
talks to the paper.
Makes me feel like I work
at Murphy Brown.
♪ When will we love the earth
as much as we love ourselves? ♪
♪ In Gaia's name we ask... ♪
Ow!
(guffaws)
You're bleeding!
And it's not even
that time of the month.
Period joke!
(both guffawing)
Hey, babe, we need to pick
a design for our new checks.
I'm thinking hot rods.
We're not putting hot
rods on our checks.
This is the first thing
that both of our names
are going to be on as
a married couple, okay?
We should take
this seriously.
Okay, if you don't want
hot rods, how about hot dogs?
How about no.
Not the food.
I'm talking canines
in sexy poses.
We'll go with
Nelson Mandela.
I don't want a football player.
He's not a...
How could you not know
who Nelson Mandela is?
Idiot.
Dummy.
Jerk.
Whore.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You newlyweds have been
fighting an awful lot lately.
You two need
to model your marriage
after a perfect one,
like...
Ours.
Ours.
You guys?!
Your father and
I have 20 years
of being in
perfect sync.
We just... we
go together.
We go together like, like...
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
BOTH:
♪ We're Stan and Franny,
♪ And we go together ♪
♪ Like ke-ding-a-de-dinga-dong ♪
♪ She's thin
and pretty ♪
♪ And I love him 'cause
he's so big and strong ♪
ALL:
♪ Flim flam fibbity
flommy flop ♪
♪ Bip bop bap boo boo
bah-bee-ee ♪
BOTH:
♪ Stan and Franny ♪
♪ We go together
like Steve's palm ♪
♪ And a gallon
of Lubriderm ♪
♪ I've got a big chin ♪
♪ And that goes great
with my huge vajinny-jin ♪
ALL:
♪ Bah ba biggity doogah dom ♪
♪ Gah zib zib la la far-eed ♪
♪ Blib blop blop blee ♪
♪ Blah blah,
gippity gip ta bot ♪
♪ Gip gop galladawot,
nippity nip ta doo ♪
♪ Moogetee moogetee
moogetee moogetee... ♪
Stop. Where's Roger?
I left in the middle
of the song.
It turned into all gibberish,
and I won't be a part of it.
Anyway, point is:
we're strong.
Where'd you get the food,
greaser dude?
Greg and Terry's.
They're having a big open house
to show off their new kitchen.
New kitchen?
Did they put in a new fridge?
Mm-hmm.
And did they get a new stove?
Yeah.
Yeah, they did.
And did they put in
all-new cabinets?
I, uh, I think so.
Cabi-nots-ah!
All-new cabinets!
Preach it, honey.
Excus-a me?
Oh, a little birdie just told me
about all-new floors!
Hallelujah!
Praise the floors!
(gibbering)
Whoo, whoo!
Okay, okay.
Let's go see it!
Yeah!
(cheering)
Yeah! Let's go! Whoo!
(playing Dixieland jazz)
Okay, Megan Fox and Seth Rogen
come out of a room
containing
only one chair.
Do you sniff
the chair?
Jamie Foxx is not
a Wayans brother.
Think fast.
(laughs)
64 blue, 19 red,
21 brown, 38 green.
142 total candies.
(cries)
Hold up.
It looks like we got
ourselves a magic moron.
You boys ever played a little
game called blackjack?
Principal Lewis, I think
our homeroom hamster is sick.
Think fast.
(hamster squeals)
(laughs)
It never gets old.
Okay, Rain Man,
what cards are
left in the deck?
Three jacks, a king,
two eights, and a four,
definitely a four.
Treat.
Next stop,
the casino.
When Barry signals
the deck is hot,
you boys sit down
and bet strong.
Snot, you're Jewish; you'll
be in charge of the money.
Steve, you'll be in
charge of watching Snot
because I don't
trust Jews.
Come on, let's go
play some blackjack.
Now?
But we have geometry class.
I'll write
you a note.
Dear Math Bitch,
These kids ain't showing up.
Love, your main man.
P.S. One plus one
equals the two of us.
Plus one more
would be nice, though.
Maybe Jill from the cafeteria
or your sister Lisa--
you know, when she's legal.
Our cappuccino maker is now
built right into the fridge.
Ooh, what's this for?
Dedicated drawer
to bring olives
up to Mediterranean
room temperature.
And look, this cabinet
is also a dishwasher.
We put our dishes
away dirty.
Son of a bitch!
We did all of this in
just under three months.
Three months
of living hell.
It put such a strain
on our civil union.
We're fortunate to have
such a strong relationship.
Hey, Mom, maybe you and Dad
should redo our kitchen.
(both laugh)
You two shouldn't even
think about a renovation.
Are, are you implying our
marriage isn't strong enough
to withstand a little
construction project?
50% of all marriages don't
survive a home remodel.
First of all, don't
pretend you're married.
It implies equality.
Second of all, our marriage
can survive anything.
Oh, yeah,
how about this?
If your marriage survives
the remodel,
we'll pay
for the whole thing.
But if it doesn't, we get
your marriage license.
You know that's not going
to make your marriage legal.
No, I know, but it'll be
a moral victory.
We'll cross your names out
and write our names in,
like we did
on the Vietnam Memorial.
(both laughing)
(laughing wildly)
You're on.
This'll be easy
for us
because we're a team.
We're... we're...
BOTH:
♪ We're Stan and Franny,
♪ And we go together like... ♪
Hell, no.
Hell, no!
You do not come in here
and start singing
a musical on my stage!
Terry, calm down.
No!
If anyone's singing a musical
number in this house, it's me.
I will sing the cancan song
from Irma la Douce
and bring you to tears!
He'll do it; you
better go now.
Aah!
Five, six, seven, eight!
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da,
da-da-da-da-da-da-da! ♪
Well, my
weekend's shot.
Thank you
for this.
So you're really
going to renovate?
That's right.
How else are we going
to prove to Greg and Terry
how strong our marriage is?
Seems a little
juvenile,
but as long as we're
getting new cabinets...
(grunts)
(laughs)
So have you hired
a contractor yet?
I could do this
job for you.
Let me show you
some of my work.
I built the addition
onto this home.
Did it on time
and on budget,
including low-flow
gumdrop toilets.
We're not
using you, Roger.
We already
hired someone.
(knocking)
Everyone, meet Uzi Knesset.
Hello, hello.
An Israeli?
All right.
Okay, let's
get started.
What color would you
like the kitchen?
BOTH:
White.
Great, now I have several
different shades of white
for you to choose from.
Snowflake.
Mother's Milk.
Okay, we'll put a
pin in that for now.
I'm okay,
I-I'm okay.
Why is it
only me?
There's our heavy mixer.
Bacon's a little chewy.
Yeah, it's raw.
The stove
doesn't work.
What about the, uh,
bacon machine?
That's what Steve calls his
butt when he's making poops.
Is that what you're
talking about?
Yeah, I guess so.
Have you guys picked
your white yet?
We're still having
a loving debate about it.
Okay, what about your style
of kitchen, then?
Traditional.
Modern.
Modern?
Why do you want modern?
It's cool.
Don't you want
to be cool?
I think you know
I want to be cool.
That's why I bought this.
I'm sorry, but I have to put
my foot down, Francine.
We're going
traditional.
I've got a foot, too, Stan,
and I'm also putting it down
in our modern kitchen!
TERRY:
Knock-knock.
Was that the sounds of
marital discord I heard?
Just came by to measure
your marriage certificate.
We want to hang it next
to the framed picture of me,
when I bumped into Mario Lopez
at a Friday's.
We were just
agreeing lovingly
on how easy
all these decisions are.
We're doing our kitchen
traditional
with Mother's Milk White.
Right, darling?
Yes, of course, dear.
Great, a decision.
So you two boys--
you, uh...?
Eh?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, good for you.
Live!
(man speaking
Chinese)
(indistinct chatter)
Dealer busts.
You win again.
(all cheering)
Dyn-o-mite!
Principal Lewis, we're
raking it in over there.
Uh, why are you dressed
like an Asian man?
I'm in disguise.
I'm into these
Hong Kong mothers
for 22 large
and 14 small.
They charge $14
for a Reuben here.
You know, Knesset,
when I did the demo work
on 312 Gingerbread Lane,
I had to be careful
because a load-bearing candy
cane was holding up one wall,
so I made an I-beam
out of half a Kit Kat.
You are ugly, smelly, not fun,
and just my type.
Tell me what I have to do to
make you fall in love with me.
I've always wanted a bay window.
Is that something
you can do, Uzi?
I can do anything.
Okay. Great.
Let's put in
a bay window.
Are you sure? Maybe you want to
talk to your husband about it?
If he's gonna ram a traditional
kitchen down my throat,
I'll dump out a bay window
on his chest.
The Kit Kat melted
in the heat wave of '06,
so I replaced it
with a strawberry Twizzler.
You're a dour man, Uzi Knesset,
but I love you.
I asked you not to,
but you built a settlement
on my heart.
♪ ♪
All right, boys, time to have a
little fun with the winnings.
Gentlemen,
we're gonna see boob.
Afraid not.
I'd like to bring you boys
in there, I really would,
but the only 14-year-olds
allowed in there
are performing
on the stage.
(boys groaning)
WOMEN:
Brian!
LEWIS:
Ladies!
Alfred
Hitchcock!
Good tail here
tonight, Brian.
(tires squeak)
(whirring)
What's going on?!
I didn't sign off
on a bay window!
I did. I figured
it would let more light in
to see the style of kitchen
I didn't want.
A bay window,
you look at a bay.
Through this, you look at...
I'm really not certain
what this is.
Well, I like
the window, Stan!
Well, dumb bitches
like dumb things!
Stan!
Ah, maybe that was excessive.
Maybe?! You think
maybe, ass-chin!
I want to have a say, too.
You don't know what
you're talking about.
I'm so sick and tired of you
doing everything your way.
This is my house,
I know what I'm doing,
and if you don't like it,
you can take a hike.
(gasps)
They're looking.
I don't want
to lose this bet. Quick.
Pretend you're porking
me in the sink!
We're doing it!
'Cause it's
going so well.
We've been doing this for weeks,
and I'm sick of it.
The four of us win
tons of money,
and Principal Lewis
spends it all
on lap dances
and James Ingram CDs.
I say
screw Lewis.
We can count cards
on our own,
and keep
all the money.
What do you say?
Yeah, screw Lewis!
"Yah Mo B There!"
♪ Yah mo b there ♪
♪ Up and over ♪
♪ Yah mo b there ♪
♪ Up and over ♪
♪ Yah mo b there ♪
♪ Whenever you call! ♪
♪ ♪
(humming)
Hayley, would you
tell your mother
I've got a song
for her to hum?
It's called, "I Threw My
Humming Wife Out the Window.
She Didn't Die, But
She Never Walked Again."
Oh, my God, I'd love to
hear the wheelchair boy
on Glee
sing that.
You know he's not
a real paraplegic.
Isn't that sad?
Indigo Girls are opening
for Wanda Sykes?
A lot of softball-related
injuries in that room.
Stan, quit boring
the newspaper.
It's a wonder it still
shows up every day,
knowing it has
to listen to you!
Keep your voice down!
You want to lose our marriage
certificate to the gays?
Who cares?! I don't like
a traditional kitchen!
Well, I don't like bay windows!
Well, I don't believe
you'll ever sail
around the world!
Well, I've never even listened
to your dreams!
I can't stand
listening to you!
I can't stand
looking at you!
Dad! I can't stand
living with you!
Mom!
Great! Then move out!
I'm not moving out!
Well, I'm not
moving out!
I saw this on
a Brady Bunch.
You stay on your side,
I'll stay on mine.
You got it, pal.
We'll each decorate our side
of the house how we see fit.
I've got a date
with Sam the Butcher.
He's gonna bring me
his big, uncut salami.
(canned laughter)
♪ ♪
Ah, it was so easy back then.
Your side
of the house sucks!
Why? Because my chairs
don't have hooves?
Uh, yeah,
for starters.
Hey, your stupid finger
crossed the line.
Stay off my side!
I can't believe you
guys are separated.
How are you gonna
live like this?
Oh, I'm sure your mother
will be moving out in no time.
How's the smell
over there, Franny?
Too bad that bay window
doesn't open.
Our old window
opened just fine.
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Once the mucus plug falls out,
the next stage of birth
is called the bloody show.
♪ ♪
Check it out, ladies.
Next time your man says
he's going out for Pinkberry,
you better make sure
he's talking about yogurt!
No!
There.
Now we live in completely
separate houses.
I don't ever have
to look at you--
Stan, what do you think
of my mural?
ALL:
Three, two, one.
Happy New Year!
(noisemaker squeaks weakly)
STAN:
Francine?
Oh, Stan.
How have you been?
A little exhausted celebrating
all those holidays in one week
just to make each other
feel bad.
Yeah.
So...
Hey, honey, I found
the frozen waffles.
Who the hell
is this guy?
I don't know.
Oh, sorry. I thought
you were my wife.
She's got that
same sweater.
So, maybe I'll... see you
around the neighborhood.
Yeah.
Stan?
Yeah?
The toilet paper in your cart
doesn't work for you.
You need the one
with the lumberjack on it.
Oh. Thanks.
(wheels squeaking)
(sighs)
(wheels squeaking)
Twenty-one?!
What a pleasant surprise.
We've made
over eight grand.
What are you gonna do with
your share of the money, Barry?
Hire a man to kill
an abortion doctor.
I mean... buy video
games and bubble gum.
I knew it!
You backstabbers thought
you could count cards
without me?
Try to cut me out?
No, sir,
we would never...
Toshi, now!
(gasps)
My Man-chu!
Hey, you're
Brian Lewis.
You owe us
22 large.
Kill the kids!
They're counting cards!
Oh, no.
Kill them all!
Okay. (sighs)
Just keep quiet.
We'll be safe here.
(rapid gunfire, screaming)
(clicking)
Four Berettas,
two Glocks,
and a Smith & Wesson with
a double stack magazine.
All 88 shots
have been fired.
They have no
bullets left.
Are you sure, Barry?
Definitely sure.
Okay, then,
y'all gonna get cut!
(gunshot)
Aah! My hip-hop hooray arm!
(laughs)
They only fired 87.
I knew there was one left.
Why, Rain Kid?
(grunts)
Never touch
a fat boy's candy.
Aah! No! Oh, no!
(yelling)
(humming)
♪ Like ♪ (humming)
♪ Bap, diddly
diddly doo wap... ♪
(Francine humming)
♪ Like ♪ (humming)
♪ Bah-da-be,
de-dooh, be-dah... ♪
(sighs)
Stan?
Francine!
Stan.
Francine!
Stan!
Francine!
Stan!
Francine!
Stan!
Francine!
I miss holding you!
Start making dinner immediately!
Stan! Stan!
Francine!
Stan!
Francine!
Stan!
(rumbling)
(car alarm wailing)
Oh!
Take a picture.
It'll last longer.
I love you, Stan.
Me, too, baby.
But Greg and
Terry were right.
Our marriage isn't strong
enough to survive a remodel.
So let's not remodel.
Exactly.
We're great together,
as long as we don't put
any stress on our marriage.
It's like a rickety
bridge that's fine,
as long as you don't drive
anything heavy over it.
You know, I liked
the house the way it was.
So did I.
Imperfect, like us.
(siren chirping)
U.S. Immigration!
Where is she?
Run, Annabelle!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==