American Dad! (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 14 - School Lies - full transcript

♪ Good morning, U.S.A! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ good... ♪
♪ good morning, U.S.A ♪

Listen, rookie, you're new,

so you'll be
intimidated at first.

When I started,

I was afraid to ask
where the bathroom was.

I pooped in my drawer
for six months.



Started planting things in it.

My tomatoes did really well.

The only way to get
ahead is to work hard.

Just keep your nose to the
grindstone... oh, my God!

It's Senator Buckingham!

Stop pointing.

He's the Senator who assigns

all the prestigious CIA
Task Force positions.

Quick, look like
you're working hard.

Don't stand there
looking stupid,

start stacking the wood!

Webber, you son of a gun!

Still playing your short irons
in the front of your stance?

It works for me.



I made a tricky up and down
past the trap on nine last week.

They got you
setting up shop here?

No, no.

I'm taking you up to eight.

Got a primo task force position
for you.

Geez, sir, that would be great!

See how busy I look?

I don't fudging believe it!

Senator Buckingham just took
Webber to the eighth floor!

Why did the senator just
promote the new guy?

Stan, they're golf buddies.

Golf?!

But I've been here 20 years!

I've focused
totally on the work!

I've never made waves...

That's exactly right!

You haven't made waves.

But people like waves.

Waves are fun.

Remember in Fast Times

how Spicoli is always
after "tasty waves"?

I've never seen that movie.

Well, no wonder you don't
understand the business world.

Teishi!

There's no birthday party
for me in here.

She's seen Fast Times.

It's like this, Stan.

You can either play
the career game,

or you can concentrate
on family.

I'm not saying
career is better than family.

It's just a choice.

Career's better.

This is all the towel I need.

Hey-Dee, hi-Dee.
What's up? Not much.

Just doing some work on
the school, some improvements.

Gosh, in those weird suits?

Is it dangerous?

Legally, I have to say "yes."

But personally,
I don't think it's a problem.

How could asbestos hurt you?

It's got "best" right in it.

I got a tear in my suit!

I've been exposed!

Don't touch me!

No reason we both got to die!

Steve, get in the car.

'Kay, mommy.

Hey! Oh, God!

I work and I work,
and I get nowhere.

My only option
is to take 20 grand

over to the golf club
and join up.

You can't take up golf.

We need that money
to send Steve to private school.

We can't leave him where he is.
It's full of poisons!

Can you guys keep it down?

I'm studying
for my nursing exam.

Bertrum, I have some bad news.

The test results
came back and...

Looks like
you're dying of cuteness.

Look, I'm sorry,
but I can't afford

to once again fall into the trap
of choosing family over career.

I don't think it's a trap.

No? Try sitting
in a cubicle for 20 years.

Did you know
that the average cubicle

is half the size
of a prison cell?

But you get to leave.

And come home.

You, you walked
right into that one, babe.

Well, I already signed us up
to tour the private school.

Fine, but I'm not gonna
try to impress anyone.

No jokes, no charm,

and I'm gonna wear
the pj bottoms

where my pud always falls out.

Look at that designer backpack.

And check out
that $200 haircut.

What a waste.

That money could cover
a whole Iraqi family

in white phosphorus.

And this kid in his
fancy electric scooter.

Too spoiled to walk.

Good afternoon.

Jerk's got his stereo
attached to his scooter.

When I was young, I had
to carry mine on my shoulder.

There is no way
we're sending Steve here

to hobnob with Jimmy Boom Box
and his silver spoon pals.

Yep, Steve should go here.

But you just said...
I changed my mind.

It's called a 180, Francine.

It's a crow!

Francine, get the camera.

Why do I have to wear
this stupid uniform

and go to a new school?

You just have to go here

until I can get in good
with the senator

and get that promotion.

Hey, you seen a limo
with diplomatic plates?

No.

Have you ever
seen a magic trick

so amazing it'll
blow your mind?

Yoo-hoo!

Beat it, you dingus.

Senator!

It's Stan Smith from the CIA.

My son goes here.

I don't recognize the face.

Well, that's because
you haven't seen me

putt my driver and make holes.

Sorry?

Yeah, just golf talk.

Or a golf joke,
if it doesn't seem right.

That's good stuff.

Hey, how about me and you
play some golf tomorrow?

Hmm. I got to be at work.

Hey, you know where

all the real work gets done,
don't you?

Oh, yeah.

Do I ever!

Okay!

See you tomorrow.

He means the work gets
done on the golf course.

Shut up, dingus!

Dingus! Dingus.

Thank you.

I think that's enough, Stan.

Oh, excuse me,
Mr. Grindstone.

This report is due
tomorrow, okay?!

Tomorrow...
Oh, that reminds me.

Tomorrow I'm playing golf
with senator Buckingham.

At his golf club.

The same one
Brooke Hogan belongs to.

Her father is Paul Hogan,
professional golfer,

brother of Hulk Hogan.

I don't think
any of that's right.

Yello.

Hey, baby.

He wasn't in school?!

No, don't.

I'll set him straight.

Straighter than Chuck Norris.

Because, he's
so obviously hetero.

Well, um,
m-maybe it'd be funnier

if you were looking at his face,
like I am.

Hi, mom.

I'm not supposed
to talk to you.

Oh? Why is that?

Because your dad
is going to talk to you

when he gets home.

Oh? Why is that?

School called.

You!

Ooh!

Stan!

I know. I'll talk to him.

It's, it's just, it's just...

He's so bad at moving his body.

Steve, your mom and I
are paying a lot of money

for you to go to this school.

More like so you can go!

All you care about
is taking me there

so you can be friends
with that senator.

Friends?

Did he use that word?

God, you're embarrassing!

But you're gonna be
way more embarrassed

if you make me go back there.

I'll act like a wolfman.

No, you won't.

I'm a wolfman.

My dad is Stan Smith.

Don't put him
on any task forces!

You wouldn't do that!

And I'd pant real fast!

Wear makeup under the eyes.

Is that what you want, dad?!

You know I got the pipes!

Die,
demon of the night!

I was joking!
He was joking!

What?

Don't joke about that.

I won't!
We won't!

I do a serious job.

I don't need this.

We really appreciate
everything you do.

Here we are.

Stuffington Academy.

I'm glad we were able
to come to an agreement on this.

Have a good day at school, son.

I'm already having a good day
'cause you called me son.

Now give me a kiss.

Kiss me on the lips, dad.

I want that kind of relationship
with you.

You thought about it.
I saw it.

I'm so excited
to go to school here, dad.

Hey, hey, should I
come out of the closet

and then make a big stink
when they won't let me

take my 50-year-old boyfriend
to the prom?

No! You have to
behave yourself.

All right, there's the senator.

Now, get in good
with his daughter

and it'll help me a lot.

Gotcha! Sex the daughter.

I'm serious, Roger, I have
a lot riding on this.

Just be normal.

Senator Buckingham!

I want you to meet
my son, Steve.

Your eminence.

This must be
your beautiful young wife.

That's my daughter Cookie.

Don't be late for class,
you two.

So, Cookie, do you like ponies?

Your boy's quite the
little gentleman.

Thank you, sir.

Say, are we going to play
a round this afternoon?

Totally!
I'd love to play around!

Either we could see a movie

and try the new Mexican place
at the food court...

I mean a round of golf.

"A round of golf."

Like a set of tennis
or a game of checkers.

Ah!

Words.

We pulled it off!

Sorry. Forgot you
were back there.

Why?!

Oh, wow.

Oh, geez, my eye.

I-I got to go
to school like this!

I'm not taking you to school.

Your mom thinks
you're at Stuffington,

and we can't be getting two
report cards in the mail.

But what about my education?

Steve, you know how
we love the musical Annie?

I love Annie!

Yeah, notch it down.
I know.

Well, you're gonna be
street smart like her,

have a hard-knock
life! Get out.

So, can I just hang out
at the arcade every day?

Yeah, whatever.
All you have to do

is walk out the door with me
every morning,

so your mom thinks
you're going to stuffington.

Sandy!

His name is Ronald!

You trying to rename my dog?!

This guy's trying
to rename my dog!

Okay, okay, that's enough.

Consuela, now you're a member
of the chicas freakas.

You know how to handle a gun.

As long as that's not sexual
innuendo, then you're right.

You're more girl than boy.

You want to be
part of our gang?

Might as well.

It's pretty boring when
everyone's at school anyway.

Want to play table hockey?

After you join.

Kick her ass!

Aah...

Aah...

Aah...

Aah...

Beautiful shot!

Thank you.

Look! Your
favorite celebrity!

Smack!

Nicely played.

Senator, we've known each other
for nearly two days now.

Can I ask you a favor?

Sure. Come by tonight for
dinner and we can talk.

But let me warn you, I
have a rule about favors.

I give everybody just one.

I have a similar rule
about bubble gum.

Beautiful.

Uh, I feel beautiful.

I did it!

I made waves!

I'm like this
with the senator now.

He's having me
for dinner tonight,

and I'm gonna ask him to put me

on the interagency
task force as a favor.

Ooh, what's that?

It's basically this thing

that will change
everything in my life.

Everything in my life
will be better if I get it,

and I'll be really
disappointed if I don't.

Francine, I played the...

My God! Did you get
in a fight at school?

No. Look, you know,

I'm gonna be a straight
shooter with you now.

I think I screwed
the pooch on this one.
What?

You know how you said
try to be friends

with the senator's daughter?
Yeah.

Well, it began like that,
and then middle, middle, middle,

and then I sold her
to a drug dealer. The end.

You what?!

Are you seriously
mad at me, Stan?

You're the who's always telling
me to go with my instincts.

I thought you'd be proud of me.

Ah, there's a blue
Jay out there.

I don't want
to see the blue Jay.

Oh, it's so blue.

You're not gonna
want to miss this.

No.

Stan...

Fine.
Oh, it's gone.

Why would you sell the girl?!

Why would you not look at
the blue Jay earlier?!

You sold the
senator's daughter?!

How did this happen?!

Ugh, I've told this story
so many times today.

You should just ask
my hairdresser.

Roger!
Okay, okay.

So, I was trying
to be her best friend,

like you wanted...

So, Cookie, do you like ponies?

Uh... no.

I'm almost 16.

Oh. So what do you like?

Cocaine and stuff.

Yay!

Oh, Patrick.

Wake up, bitch!

Get your ass up!

Wake up!

Ow! I'm awake!
What do you want?

I want the money you owe me.

I don't have any more money.

Take this fool outside
and shoot him in the head.

I don't want to go outside!

Hey, it's beautiful out.

You've been inside all day.

Now, you are gonna go out there,
get some fresh air,

and get shot in the head.

Wait. How much
do I owe?
300 bucks.

I'll sell you the girl for $300.

Plus $1.35 for the bus.

Oh, and the name of a plumber
I can trust at my house

when I go to work...
I-I'm asking everybody.

JKM Plumbing's
coming on Tuesday.

So we can put the wooden spoon
back in the kitchen.

No more having to chop.

God, Roger, how
could you sell her?!

Stan, you're focusing
on the wrong thing.

The wooden spoon's
for pasta again.

Hello.

Stan, my daughter
didn't come home from school.

Now, last time I talked to her,
she was with Steve.

Yes! Yes! Uh,
they're right here.

They are here playing safely
in the safeness of my house.

No, we're not!

Anyway, sir, she's
here and she's safe.

Oh, good.
I was worried.

Now, just bring Cookie home
when you come over for dinner.

Take it easy, Stan.
Let's just...

Let's just lower our guns.

Pow! Second gun!

Hmm, none of this
looks familiar.

You dumb-ass! Where
did you leave her?

I don't know.
I was pretty messed up, Stan.

Maybe I'm too sober
to remember.

Maybe if I was messed up now?

Forget it. Fine. Just thought
you wanted to find her.

14 blocks straight ahead,

then you're gonna take
a right on Euclid.

Wow, Roger, you're
really focused.

Yeah, I thought it would help.

It'll be the fourth
building on your left,

just past the recycling plant.

Why are you stopping?

It's a red light.

I didn't stop for red lights.

Hey. Hi. I'm just here
to pick up Cookie.

What?
The, uh...

The, uh, girl there
on the couch.

Which one?

Uh... well, the, um,

uh... h-how do I say this?

Uh, th-the one with
the straightest hair.

She's, uh, the one
on the end there.

I mean, uh, if you were
handing out sunscreen,

you'd give it to her first.

The white bitch?
Ah, yes, thank you.

Yes, yes,
the-the white bitch.

What's he want?

He's here for the white girl.

She's mine! Everything
in this room is mine!

Got it? The girl,
the coffeemaker,

the... whoa!

Whose is that?

Oh, that's Carl's.

Too scary, Carl.

Get it out of here.

No. You know what?

Give it to this fool.

He's on his way out.

Ah. I see.

I'll be on my way.

Is this coffee fresh?

Who made this?

Yo! What time was
the coffee made?

We're going straight to
the senator's for dinner.

How do we sober her up?

We don't.

She's... she is strung out.

But she's a heavy user
with a massive tolerance,

so she might pull it together.

She also might die.

Either way, I'm eating dessert.

I've been very good this week.

It was great getting you
on the course today, Stan.

Have you thought
about your favor?

A favor?

I did some favors today.

Oh, she sure did!

Shaking up medicine
at the old folks home.

We all did it.

Good idea, Cookie!
Let's dig in!

Come on!

Bravo, Cookie.

Another face plant.

Lessie! Bring in
the Pulp Fiction kit!

You... you know
about her drug problem?

All too well.

But I don't have time
to deal with it.

For men like us, Stan,

for men of power and authority,

well, there's career
and there's family.

And sometimes you have to
focus on what's important...

And that's career.

So, spit it out,
what's your favor?

Well, since you assign
the task force positions...

Take it.

A phone call at a time like this
couldn't possibly change

the nature of the favor
you're going to ask.

Hello.

Stan! Oh, my God, Stan!

Steve's been arrested!

Whoa, whoa, baby, calm down.

He robbed a pharmacy!
People are in the hospital!

Armed robbery!
He's in jail!

People are always
in the hospital, baby...

That's what they build them for.

Stan! What are we gonna do?!

Look, it's gonna be fine,
It's a first offense.

You have to do something!

He's your son!

Okay, I know what my favor is.

I washed you in the sink
when you were a baby!

I ain't gonna let you die!

There you are.

You want a piece of cake?

I hate you, Lessie!

Mm, mm, you're
a troubled child.

I don't know who you know,

but it must be someone
pretty high up.

I mean, not the President,
but more than the mayor.

Just from the feel of it,
I'd say it was a...

Third-term senator? U.S.

Not state, of course.

Wow! Exactly right!

Yeah. It's on
the form here.

Ha-ha! Wasted
your time!

I'm sorry, dad.

No, I'm the one
who should be sorry.

I was playing the career game

when I should have been
focusing on what's important...

Focusing on you.

I just want to go back
to my old school.

That's all I want, too, son.

Your face is freaking me out.

You look like
the cashier at CVS.

How are we gonna
explain this to mom?

Don't worry,
I'll take care of that.

We'll blame the robbery
on one of those

snotty private school kids.

You on the run, too, huh?

I was framed. Who are you?

My name's Johnny.
Johnny Mind.

Mind Quad!

Now, get in.

We have good deeds to do

in quirky small towns
all across America.

You're watching the season
premiere of Mind Quad!

on Johnny's new pal,
the differently-abled

Jimmy Boom Box.