American Dad! (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 13 - I Am the Walrus - full transcript

So, I watching this show
about spiders on Animal Planet.

We were watching
a show about spiders.

Doesn't hurt your story
to include me.

If you're going to set
the scene, set it right.

Do you want to tell the story?

I don't remember what happened.

Maybe I wasn't there.

Anyway, there's this one spider

that's unlike any other insect.

The mother actually takes care
of her young after they hatch.

Oh, that is so sweet.



Then, once the babies
are big enough,

they overpower their
mom and eat her.

Arachno-matricide!

When I turned 15, I ate my dad.

What is happening
at this dinner?

It's spiraling out of control.

Every year, on my birthday,

I take a celebratory nibble
off his severed leg.

I keep it in the freezer.

That must be what's making
the ice cubes all fuzzy.

Damn it, Roger. Your race
is the most disgusting...

Finished!

What just happened?

Steve finished his dinner.



But I still have
three bites left.

I always finish first.

Well, I guess not tonight.

So these popsicles are weird.

It's finally happening.

What?

Steve.

He finished his meal before me.

He's challenging
me for dominance.

Like when the
young, upstart lion

forces the elderly
lion out of the pride

and into the wilderness
to die alone.

You're watching too
many nature shows.

You know what's a good show?

You shutting up
and going to bed.

This is the beginning
of the end.

He's on the upswing,
and I'm on the downswing.

I've known this day would come.

I've been dreading it
for a long time.

One last push.

Oh, my God!

I just tore from
my "V" to my "A"!

That's normal.

She's ruined.

It's a boy.

I know you're coming for me.

You're being silly.

So he finished his meal first.

He's growing up.

It's a good thing.

Well, this old lion isn't
going down without a fight.

Hey, I'm looking
at myself in the mirror.

It's not ruined.

I mean, it's not good,
but it's not ruined.

Yay! Dr. House
is skateboarding.

♪
♪

Hey.
I was eating that.

Hey. I was
watching that.

Hey. I was
sitting there.

Pipe down, boy.

Because that's what you are.
A boy.

And I'm the king of this jungle.

That's odd, what you're doing.

Get used to it.

What are you doing?

That is not how we treat
little boys in this house!

Hey, you're opening
the wrong end.

It doesn't matter
what end you open.

See? Now you broke it.

You can't break something

before you put it together,
Dumbo.

Don't call me my favorite movie!

Oh, babe.
Look at us.

We're fighting all the time,

like
well-managed boxers.

Maybe we need help.

Maybe we need
to talk to someone.

You mean, like, a
marriage counselor?

No way! We've been married
for, like, five minutes.

They say the honeymoon phase
is the hardest part.

No one says that.

You're driving me insane.

Could you just leave
the room, please?

Do you want to have sex first?

Whatever.

Mm-hmm. Just as I expected.

Dad just pushed me
off the couch

and took my food.

I-I think he was
acting like a lion.

Oh, your father has a
crazy idea in his head.

He's just...

Well, he's intimidated by you.

Dad? Intimidated by me?

You finished your food first
last night,

and now he's scared
you're coming into your prime

and going to dethrone him.

What?
That's ridiculous.

I'm no threat to him.

We'll talk and straighten
this whole mess out.

Mm-hmm. That's what I thought.

It smells like pee.

This is my area.

Look, Dad...

Mom said you were worried
I'm going to dethrone you,

and, well,
I just want you to know...

you should be.

♪
♪

I'm coming for you.

Now I know.
You're afraid of me.

You've always
been afraid of me.

That-That's not true.

Quiet! Every day,
you get weaker,

and I get stronger.

So enjoy that popcorn
and remote while you can,

because soon I'll be
sitting where you are,

and you'll be looking
for a spot under the porch

where you can curl up and die.

Nuh-uh. I'm the king of...

You're the king of nothing!

Nothing.

Done!

For thine is the kingdom

and the power and
the glory. Amen.

Done!

Done!

Oh, hey. Don't mind me.

I finished ten minutes ago.

I'm just looking
for the plunger.

Mine's so big,
it won't go down.

Oh. Was there a
rabbit in here?

My reign is over.

My son bested me in everything
that's dear to me.

Yeah, I heard about
the bunny poops.

I'm... I'm done.

He's replaced me
as head of the house.

Why don't you do what the
animals do on your TV shows?

When an older male
is threatened,

he responds by
reasserting his dominance.

The bull walrus will
ward off all challengers

with an extreme
display of power.

Only the strongest walrus
will be able to mate.

That's it.

Klaus, you're a genius!

Genius? No.

You know who's a genius?

Jack Worcestershire.

Had a terrible name,
created a terrible sauce,

made a fortune.

Yup, Snotters.
I got my old man on the ropes.

I'm the man of the house now,
and he knows it.

I should probably learn to make
chili that's not very good

that I call "my famous chili."

Ooh, comic.

Ooh.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh.

Ooh...

Sounds like Mommy found a comic.

Oh, no. It's Steve.

Oh, my God!
Steve, don't look!

Yeah, Steve, don't look.

Look!

Mommy and Daddy
are just dancing.

Yeah, we're dancing.

We're not dancing.

Hey, champ. I, uh,
wanted to talk to you.

You know, about
what you just saw.

Because things aren't
always what they appear.

Sometimes when someone
is choking,

you have to get behind them
and give them the Heimlich.

This was not that.

I was not helping your mother
with a leg cramp.

I was not giving her
a lying-down hug.

I was not helping her look
for her contact.

I was plowing, Steve.

Oh, my goodness.

See, in the animal kingdom,
he who mates is king.

And you are many, many years

from finding
a mate of your own.

This is nature, bitch.

We're getting primal
in this house.

This is where we're having
marriage counseling?

In-in a community
center pottery class?

Public-assisted counseling
is all we can afford, babe.

Whoa! Someone
actually showed up.

Principal Lewis?
You're a psychologist?

Oh, no. I just do this
to pick up some extra cash

to feed my watch fetish.

Look at this bad boy.

Huh? Mickey Mouse
in an S.S. uniform.

Only ten were made
in the whole world.

I own five of them.

Now, if only I could tell time.

I'm out of here.
No, babe.

This is important.

Looks like you two
aren't seeing eye-to-eye.

I can help with that.

Yep, looks like the pottery
class is coming in.

Perhaps we should relocate

as I am not legally
permitted to be

within 100 feet
of the instructor,

or more specifically,
her sugary sweet ass.

Oh, baby.

Steve, sit next to me.

I can't sit up there.
My dad marked it.

I'm not allowed to sit
anywhere he's peed.

Oh, we can pee where
we sit now? Great!

I don't know what to do
about my dad, Roger.

I was finally coming
into my own.

I got a taste of first-class
and now I'm back in coach,

squished between two
fat ladies from Toronto.

Ugh, Blue Jay fans
are the worst.

I don't know, you ever been
to a Detroit Tigers game?

Those fans are drunken slobs.

At least there's some diversity.

You ever see a black man
at a Red Sox game

who's not playing first base
or singing the national anthem?

So true, so true.

You know what we should do?

We should take
a train into D.C.,

and see the Nationals play.

We totally should.

Maybe a day game.

Yes. Will you look
into getting tickets?

Are we serious about this,
or are we just talking about it?

Pull the trigger, man,
pull the trigger, let's do it.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I'm gonna go do it right now.

That kid's a good egg.

I can't believe we're going
to see the Nationals play.

We said it, and we're doing it.

♪ Take me out to the crowd ♪

♪ Buy me some peanuts
and Cracker Jacks ♪

♪ I don't care if I... ♪

Wait, what are we doing?

I want to talk about my dad.

I don't even like baseball.

Well, me neither.

I thought you wanted to go.

I hate that game.

So slow.

Not like go-carts.

I love go-carts.

How great are go-carts?
So great.

You know what we should do?

We should call a cab,
take it out to the slick track.

Totally.

And we'll just open it up

and see how fast we can...

What?! No, Roger!

I'm in a crisis with my father!

Right. Well, it seems to me

the only way you can
regain the upper hand

is to assert your dominance.

Luckily, I know an easy way
to make that happen.

I've been trying to think
of a way all day.

Surely, it can't be that easy.

As a matter of fact, it is.

And please stop
calling me Shirley.

How great is
the movie Airplane?

So great.

The pilot has an unnatural
interest in that little boy.

It didn't seem unnatural to me.

All right, welcome to my home.

As you can see, it is a (bleep).

But it's a good arena
for bonding exercises

and a constant reminder
of what happens

if you try to strike
some sense into you lady.

You're a marriage counselor?

Step one on you path
to a happier union:

You have 45 minutes
to clean this room,

but you can't talk
to each other.

Not one word.
Trust me on this.

Let's go, Jeff.
This isn't real.

It just got real, bitch!

Now clean my house!

This is even better
than the first Airplane.

Sonny Bono's buying a bomb
at the gift shop.

Hilar...

Roger, we did it again!

Oh, right, right.

We were talking about asserting
your dominance over your dad.

What is it with us?

We're a couple of
Forget-Me-Marys.

Yeah, we're a couple
of Distracted-Susans.

Forget-Me-Marys wasn't
good enough for you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought we were doing
like a back and forth.

No, we weren't.

I said we were
Forget-Me-Marys,

and that's what we are.

Okay, you've beaten
your dad in every arena

except one... sex.

The dominant male
proves himself by mating.

So the solution is simple...

you need to bang.
Bang, bang, bang.

But I don't know any girls.

Well luckily, I've got just
the ladies' man persona

who can help you get
your shlinker

into a woman's shlonker,
if you catch my drift.

I'm Ace Chapman.
Star forward...

Wait, does it have
to be consensual sex?

Yes.

Okay, well, then you
definitely don't want Ace.

Oh, don't take those.

You will be conscious but
paralyzed for 12 hours.

Bing Cooper.

Sexually active
high school senior.

I've pulled more tail than a
slow kid at a petting zoo.

You'll be on top
again my friend,

because I'm going
to get you laid.

Oh, yeah!

I can finally put some of my
dance moves into action.

♪
♪

All right, our goal
tonight is simple.

We're not trying
to win any prizes;

we're not trying to
find you a girlfriend;

we just have to
get you some sex.

Now I know what
you're thinking.

Why don't we just
go to a whorehouse?

Get that thought
out of your head!

You don't pay for it
in the jungle.

If you want to be the head
of the animal kingdom,

you gotta hunt it and
take it down yourself.

Oh, dear, don't
ever do that again.

Here's a condom.
Don't use it.

Do what I do.
Pretend to put it on,

then hide it in
your poop cannon.

Let's boogie.

Hey, where are you going?

I was going to put the shoes
to your mom again later.

Want to make sure you're
around to catch the show.

Come on, Roger, I'm going to
grab a snack from the kitchen

and then we'll get out of here.

No. I'm done feeding
on this sandwich.

You can eat my leftovers.

The lesser males
get the scraps.

Come on, Steve, don't
dignify that with a response.

Principal Lewis, we've
cleaned your whole house.

Can we go now?

Hell no.

You haven't even started
on the backyard.

We're gonna die here.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm just going to take this.

What's that?

It paralyzes you.

If I can't move, I can't work.

I got it from Ace Chapman,
that basketball guy

who sometimes lives with us.

Why don't we just give
it to Principal Lewis?

Good idea, babe.

But how are we going
to get him to take it?

I'll step on his foot,

and when he opens his mouth to
scream, you toss the drugs.

What's that, drugs?

I'll take it, I don't
care what it does.

You crazy-ass
son of a bitch.

Now you only have four.

Can you plug in the air
freshener plug-in?

It stinks down here.

♪
♪

Here we are, suburban
teenage house party.

Booze and hormones
are a-flowin'.

Anyone can get laid here,
even you.

Just watch old Bing Cooper
for a while.

Learn from the master.

You're my Obi-Wan.

I'm gonna give you two seconds

to leave that
right out here on the lawn.

Bing!

What's up, fools?

Wildcats take state!

How does everyone know you?

What do you mean?

I throw parties
here all the time

when my parents go out of town.

My parents are super into me.

Who are...?

You grew up here?

Well, we lived in Wisconsin
till I was five,

then my dad got transferred...
he worked for Toyota.

That's how I learned
to speak Japanese.

Mu shu pork, Melissa.

Hey, Beth.

Hey, Bing.

Here we are.

The epicenter of drunk girls.

The kitchen.

They want to be close
to the booze at all times.

I don't know if I can
do this, Roger.

Hey, do you want to be the
alpha male of the house or not?

Okay, okay.

But how do I approach them?

What do I say?

Just say the three sweet
words they long to hear...

"Jell-O shot, bitch?"

Jell-O shot?

Bitch?

Make it happen, Steve.

Bing, I just saw an acceptance
letter from UCLA on your fridge.

What's going on?

I thought we were going
to Arizona State together?

This isn't how I wanted
you to find out.

I wanted you to find out by me
not showing up at Arizona State.

What are you doing?

I'm so confident Steve's
not a threat to my position

as alpha male, I've
taken up knitting.

Here, I've made you a sweater.

I knitted it with
nursing flaps.

Oh, I'm a boy, but okay.

It's still a lovely gesture.

Now I have something for you.

Roger has taken Steve to a party
for intercourse

so he can usurp you.

Here's the flyer.

Drink, Charlie.

Don't worry.
I'm just here to talk.

Pop the one in the chamber.

Streetwise. I like that.

I'm here to get my watch back.

We earned that watch.

You kidnapped us and forced
us into slave labor.

Did I? Or did I solve your
marital strife, as promised,

by providing you
with a common enemy?

Whoa.

Welcome back, Mouse-schwitz.

Hey, can I get another one
of those Stephen Hawking pills

where my mind's working,
but my body ain't?

Maybe I'll write
a book while I'm out.

Call it A Brief
History of Fine.

Be about Diana Ross.

Yeah...

Here, take the whole bottle.

Great! See you
all in 12 hours.

Fire up the cloud car, Lando...
I'm coming to visit.

♪
♪

So then I said, "Bing
never gets his hair wet."

Where is he?!

I've got to stop him!

You're wasting your time.

I'm too late.
He already did it.

Already did...?

Oh, my God, no.

Look at him.

Oh, that's beautiful.

I was thinking of getting
"Yub Yub Eee"

tattooed on my chest.

That's Ewok for "Steve."

But I hate taking my shirt off,

plus the pain
would make me cry,

and once I start crying,

I can't stop for
at least an hour.

Oh, here I go.

Well, done, Stan.

There's no threat of
your son challenging you,

and there's no threat of
his son challenging him.

With the way you raised him,
he'll never have kids.

You were so obsessed
with keeping him down

that he's never
going to get up.

Oh, speaking of not
getting things up, Lucy,

you really let yourself go.

Gross.

On, my God, what have I done?

Are you happy, Dad?

You win. I'm never
going to be a man.

I know.

Especially if I keep raising
you like we're walruses.

Your mother was right.

You're growing up, and I
shouldn't try to stop you.

My job as a father is
to give you the skills

and the confidence to send you
out into the real world.

Judging by tonight,
I clearly haven't done that.

But that changes now.

You're going to get me laid?

No, no, you're
too young for sex.

Let's start with the basics.

I'm going to teach
you how to shave.

Looking good, Steve.

I'm still going to finish
before you, though.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am. I'm almost...
Done!

Good job, son.

Very impressive.

Smooth...

and no nicks.

You're a natural.

Thanks, Dad.

It's much better to
practice on a man's back

rather than you own face.

Good thing we found
your school's principal

passed out
in your sister's room.

What do we do with him now?

Hey, I know that look.

I'll take it from here.