American Dad! (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - 100 A.D. - full transcript
When Stan learns that Hayley has run off with Jeff and plans to elope, he offers a reward to the person who can stop them.
Tonight, in honor of the 100th
episode of American Dad,
tragedy will strike
Langley Falls with death...
100 times.
That's right,
100 of the characters
you've come to know
and love will die.
For Pete sakes, these things
are going to kill me.
But not tonight!
No, tonight we're going to find
out who shot Mr. Burns.
What? 15 years ago?
Who was it?
Really? The baby?
I want a baby.
American Dad 6x01
100 A.D.
Original Air Date on October 3, 2010
♪ Oh, babe, it's true... ♪
Oh, Jeff's serenading
Hayley again.
♪ I want to touch butts
with you... ♪
I'm gonna shoot him
in the throat.
Stan, wait!
I want to watch.
Stop it,
you guys.
Look, I told Jeff
I'm not ready to date
anyone right now.
So you don't have
to worry about him.
Good.
Look at him-- he still
rocks a goatee.
Poser-ass bitch.
Look, he's a sweet guy.
He's just a little lost
right now.
Hayley, you don't know
what you're talking about.
You have terrible judgment.
The one time we let you
order pizza, you ordered
no sauce, extra olives.
I was so astounded
I took a picture of it.
No, that's not it--
that's a picture
of when I met Loni
Anderson at the airport.
Next on HBO:
Tracy Ullman performs
her ethnic favorites.
Change the channel. Hurry!
Where's the remote?
ULLMAN
15 doughnuts, por favor.
Change it!
I can't find it!
I'm so sleepy.
It's okay.
It can't hurt us now.
Hey, Roger, a missing remote.
Sounds like another
case for...
Wheels and The Leg Man.
Wheels and The Leg Man.
Enough!
What the hell's
your problem?
Every Wheels and The Legman
is the same.
You pick some boring case,
you bicker,
then you solve it.
The solution usually being
that Roger is the culprit.
It's true. I've got
the remote right here.
♪ Cheek to cheek,
and hole to hole... ♪
♪ To hole ♪
♪ There's a third hole... ♪
Go on, Jeff, shoo, shoo, scat.
Jeff, you're not
good enough for
our daughter.
You have no job,
no home and no future.
Plus, you're always
wiping your face.
No, I'm not.
Helado?
Why nobody buy my helado?
So guess who got put on
chauffeur duty again?
I did not join the CIA
for this.
Anyway, Mama, I'm not gonna
make home for Randy's birthday.
Just kick him in his fat ass
for me 29 times.
Yes, sir?
Reginald, this isn't the way
I usually drive to work.
Look, you may got
me driving you,
but I'm gonna
take my route.
Does your route include
the attitude store
where we could stop and
get you a new attitude?
Now what is this mess?
Whoa, you got a limo.
Are you rich?
Yeah, Jeff, I'm rich.
I'm a millionaire.
So I wear this stupid hat
and drive this long bitch.
Hayley won't talk to me.
I've tried everything.
Look, man, Hayley
broke my heart too,
but the girl told us both
she needs some space.
You should do what I'm doing--
start casually dating
other women.
I'm seeing a fine bitch
right now--
works at Chik-fil-A
down by the airport.
Got grease burns
all over her arms.
Am I gonna marry her?
Hell, no!
But she don't need to know that.
Um, all right, I guess
I could give Hayley her space.
My man.
Now go take a shower.
You smell like cheap weed
and apple sauce.
Cheap weed and apple sauce.
Okay, how about
this for a case?
Wheel's ex comes to town
looking for whoever
poisoned her race horse.
Uh, yeah...
Hey, what if I'm visited
by the ghost of my dead father
who also used to be a detective?
So we're just saying the first
thing that comes into our minds?
Okay, tickle monster.
I know, Dad-- I have
to deal with this
every day at the agency.
Your ghost father
is not here!
Oh, no? Then who's...
possessing me?
Stop it. Stop it, Wheels.
Stop it... Wheels...
Stop it, Wheel's father!
Hayley.
Jeff, what are
you doing here?
Look...
Hey, who solved
my theorem?!
Which one of you
is the genius?
You there.
Jeff, I thought
I told you...
I know you don't
want to see me,
but I need to tell
you something.
And then, if you want,
I'll leave you alone forever.
Thank God we got rid of Jeff
and that old hippie.
The stench of pot and body odor
was beginning to reach
h McConnaughey-vian proportions.
What's this note
from Hayley?
Dear, Mom and Dad,
I realized I'm still in love
with Jeff Fisher.
I know you hate his guts,
which is why we've decided
to elope.
Stan?
Did I... Did I turn back time?
No. You fainted and bashed
your head on the counter.
I'm-I'm pretty sure
I turned back time.
You must be Francine's
grandmother.
One day, your granddaughter
will make me a
moderately happy man.
I I can't believe Haley
ran off with that idiot.
The kids are going
to be half loser.
I'll hate my grandchildren.
And I'm gonna tell 'em.
I'm going to look them
straight in the eye and say,
"Pop-Pop hates you."
Says here they're getting
married tonight at sunset.
We'll never be able
to stop them.
We have no idea
where they went.
Oh, we have no idea?
Just like we want to have
a weekend in Santa Fe?
You. You have no idea.
You want to go
to Santa Fe.
I had tracking chips implanted
in the base of the kids' skulls
when they were born.
Hayley's heading north.
She's only 40 minutes away.
Let's go.
Which way is north?
That way.
It's a dead end.
Whoo!
We're getting married!
I'm so glad you said yes.
When you proposed, it's like
my heart started up again.
I feel so close
to you, you know.
Like we're brother
and sister.
Like you're my mom,
but with benefits.
This is so exciting.
We're starting
our lives together.
So what's our plan?
Oh, I got it all figured out.
As soon as we're married, we're
gonna move to rural Mexico
and produce a cartoon
about crickets
that don't like to eat
their vegetables.
Really? That's your plan?
Yeah. I already wrote
the pilot script.
Will you read it
and give me notes?
I'm especially interested
in any areas that come
off too pornographic.
Stan, Hayley's dot hasn't
moved in the last 20 minutes.
What could she be doing?
Oh, God! You don't
think she's having sex?
No, if her body temperature
rises, the dot turns purple.
I paid extra
for that option.
I can also explode
her breasts at any time.
Good.
She should be
up here to the right.
They must be
in the bathroom.
It turned purple!
What?!
I don't get it.
Where's Hayley?
She must have ripped out
her tracking device
and fed it to one
of these dogs.
Which one?
That one.
Well, I was able
to reattach his legs.
I think he's gonna make it.
Oh, thank God.
Stan, my credit card
is missing.
Hayley must have taken it.
Where's this scarf come from?
Oh, that was the liner
of my purse.
Okay, thanks.
The last charge
was ten minutes ago
at the Nut and Jerky House
at the base of the
Chimdale Mountains.
That mountain range
is enormous.
We'll never find them in
time to stop the wedding.
We scrimped and sacrificed
to save $50,000
to give that girl
a beautiful wedding.
And now that
money's just gone.
No, Francine, we
still have the money.
We didn't have the wedding.
No, but, Stan, she...
Oh.
We good, champ?
We work that out?
'Cause I have an idea
how we can use that money.
We have breaking
news to report.
We go now to local
man Stan Smith, live
via satellite phone.
Hello?
Yes, Stan, go ahead.
Four hours ago, my daughter,
Hayley Smith eloped
with the notorious slacker
Jeff Fisher.
I'm offering
$50,000 to anyone
who can stop
the wedding.
They're getting married
somewhere in
the Chimdale Mountains.
Again, that reward
is 50 grand,
to anyone who can
stop the wedding
of Hayley Smith
and Jeff Fisher.
Oh, hell no.
That slippery-ass hippie.
I gotta stop this.
I gotta show Hayley
I'm still in the game.
I'm going to call my man
at Jewelry Galleria.
Yo, Doug, I need a diamond.
Doesn't have to be big,
but make it flawless.
That's friend price?
You let me down, Doug.
I'm gonna call NYC.
I'm gonna get
my Hebrews on this.
Let's go get that
money, people.
Yeah!
Here we are,
the honeymoon suite.
Oh, fancy.
Chocolate on the pillow.
Hey, come back, chocolate.
Look, I'm sorry
about the room, babe.
I just don't have a lot
of scratch right now.
But once we get
to Mexico...
Jeff, I don't want
to go to Mexico, okay?
That's your plan.
We need a plan we can both
be excited about.
A new plan...
New Mexico!
I need
to take a walk.
Knock-knock.
Hotel manager.
Sorry to intrude,
but you got
the only working toilet.
You might want to turn
the TV up pretty loud.
I ate an artichoke
today.
Were you the one
who wanted to schedule
an ATV ride?
...a $50,000 reward to anyone
who can stop the marriage.
The girl has been described
as a likely
Women's Studies major
and probable roller derby
captain,
while the male is your classic
run-of-the-mill stoner.
Here's an artist rendering
of the couple.
Zoinks!
Only a couple of hours
until sunset.
I pray someone finds them
before it's too late.
Oh, look!
It's Principal Lewis!
Hi, Principal Lewis!
What the hell?!
I'm getting to those kids first!
I need that money!
I'm not going back
to that school!
y'all!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
People are excited!
Reginald, are we at
the CIA yet?
Change of plans.
I'm going after
the woman of my dreams:
Hayley Smith.
Hayley Smith?!
Oh, I had a thing
with her one summer.
What? You and Hayley
had a thing?
A thing?
That's a polite way
of saying
I tapped her
like a pony keg.
Banged her around
so much,
I lost my deposit.
Sir, I would
appreciate it
if you could refrain
from any sexual
reminiscing
regarding Hayley
whilst we take our
little detour.
Ah, I took a detour
on Hayley.
Got lost in the brush
and went down a dirt road.
What's all this now?
Why are we stopping?
You and I are gonna
fight in a field.
♪ Ah-na-na way ♪
♪ Ah-na-na-way,
na-na! ♪
What are you doing?
Capoeira, bitch!
That's Brazilian
dance-fighting.
I'm trained!
Oh, I guess we started.
My gentleman's blouse!
Finding Hayley
for the reward money.
Now that's a real case.
All right, I got
everything we need:
chocolate milk,
cheese puffs
and some Turkish
amphetamines
I scored in
the bathroom.
Whoa, whoa, Legs!
You sure that's
a good idea?
I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.
See? Everything
in moderation.
Now I'm gonna have
five cheese puffs, no more.
Legs, please,
just-just pull over!
Why are you calling me "Legs"?
Is there something wrong
with my legs?
Is that why, is that why
there's a wheelchair
in the car?!
What did you do to my legs,
you Nazi walrus bastard?!
Steve, who is he
talking to?
Shut up, Garfield!
Why-Why, why do you,
why do you hate Mondays?!
You don't even work!
Officer, please,
I'm an educator.
I'm a molder
of young minds.
Shoulder jam!
Brother's in the front seat
this time !
$50,000.
I'm gonna miss you, money.
Not you, briefcase.
Stan, are we doing
the right thing?
What if Hayley hates us
for doing this?
Hates us?
We're saving her
from making
a huge mistake.
She'll probably thank us
one day.
Like I thanked that woman
who talked me out
of sleeping with her
on that business trip
last spring.
She was right.
It would have been
a huge mistake.
I just couldn't
see that at the time.
God, she had
the prettiest eyes!
I shoulda done it.
I shoulda.
Hello.
Hey, Mr. S.
It's Jeff!
Hey, Jeff!
I know you're offering 50 grand
to anyone who stops the wedding.
Uh...
What if I agreed
to not marry your daughter?
Would you give me the money?
I played Stan's
satanic best friend
in episode 302.
Dumping Hayley
for the reward money!
That son of
a bitch hippie!
Francine, this is
a good thing.
We'll just give Jeff
the 50 grand
and be rid of him
forever!
You piece of .
Francine, please.
You're gonna break
my daughter's heart
for $50,000?!
Francine!
You're too angry
right now.
Go buy some nuts
and jerky.
You're buying my wife
some nuts and jerky.
I'm gonna buy
some nuts and jerky,
you piece of .
Whoa! Hundred-dollar bills.
Hello, President Shakespeare.
You'll find Hayley at the
Chimdale Mountain Inn.
We were right about you
all along.
I'm sorry, Mr. S.
Your daughter and I have
just been fighting a lot,
and I'm not sure
she's awesome.
Just say the word.
Don't do it,
Francine!
All I heard was,
"Do it."
Honey,
it's not loaded.
Ow.
Seh-seh-seh!
All right,
enough of this.
Are you ready
to apologize?
I apologize to the maids
at the Red Roof Inn
who have to clean
the curtains
and you just said
all that.
I'm gonna call your mama
and tell her what you said.
Don't!
That money's mine!
MAN 2:
I saw her first!
Leave me alone!
Fireman chop!
Come here,
you valuable shiksa!
Fumble!
Hey!
Spring break, yeah!
Yeah!
Stop, all of you!
The reward has been claimed!
Who claimed it?
The hippie Jeff Fisher.
Really?
The NFL coach?
Probably.
I thought he
was dead.
Wha... What are you
talking about?
He took the money, Hayley.
He's no good.
That's... not possible.
I'm sorry, honey,
but it's better you
find out now.
I guess you guys
were right.
I'll get my stuff,
and then we can go home.
Bitch, what are you
crying about?!
I was counting on that money.
I can't go back to work now!
I took a deuce on my desk!
y'all!
That was quite
a ride, Wheels,
but I think
I got us there.
Hey, I see Hayley!
Don't marry Jeff!
Case closed.
How much packing
does she have to do?
It's been 45 minutes.
You saw her face
when she found out
Jeff bailed on her.
She's devastated!
She looked like
she wanted to die.
Wait... You don't
think she'd...?
Oh, my God!
Hayley!
Oh, it's okay.
It's just the hotel manager.
"Surprise. Jeff and I were
in on it together.
"We stole your money
and eloped,
"this time in style.
"By the way, it was
my loser husband's idea.
Yours truly,
Mrs. Jeff Fisher."
That's a weird
suicide note.
No, this is from Hayley.
The suicide note's on the back.
"I'm so sorry for
all the horrible
things I've done.
You'll find the severed
penises underneath..."
Ah, I don't care.
That weaselly
little sneak!
What the hell
are you smiling at?
Our daughter's new husband
just made 50 grand
in half a day.
Maybe he's not the idiot
we thought he was.
Huh. So maybe Hayley's judgment
isn't so bad.
What do you know?
Maybe I won't hate
my grandchildren
after all.
So what do you
want to do now?
What a day.
50K. I love you, baby!
I love you, too, babe.
So, now that
we're married,
there's something
I want you to see.
Totally makes up
for my small
penis, huh?
episode of American Dad,
tragedy will strike
Langley Falls with death...
100 times.
That's right,
100 of the characters
you've come to know
and love will die.
For Pete sakes, these things
are going to kill me.
But not tonight!
No, tonight we're going to find
out who shot Mr. Burns.
What? 15 years ago?
Who was it?
Really? The baby?
I want a baby.
American Dad 6x01
100 A.D.
Original Air Date on October 3, 2010
♪ Oh, babe, it's true... ♪
Oh, Jeff's serenading
Hayley again.
♪ I want to touch butts
with you... ♪
I'm gonna shoot him
in the throat.
Stan, wait!
I want to watch.
Stop it,
you guys.
Look, I told Jeff
I'm not ready to date
anyone right now.
So you don't have
to worry about him.
Good.
Look at him-- he still
rocks a goatee.
Poser-ass bitch.
Look, he's a sweet guy.
He's just a little lost
right now.
Hayley, you don't know
what you're talking about.
You have terrible judgment.
The one time we let you
order pizza, you ordered
no sauce, extra olives.
I was so astounded
I took a picture of it.
No, that's not it--
that's a picture
of when I met Loni
Anderson at the airport.
Next on HBO:
Tracy Ullman performs
her ethnic favorites.
Change the channel. Hurry!
Where's the remote?
ULLMAN
15 doughnuts, por favor.
Change it!
I can't find it!
I'm so sleepy.
It's okay.
It can't hurt us now.
Hey, Roger, a missing remote.
Sounds like another
case for...
Wheels and The Leg Man.
Wheels and The Leg Man.
Enough!
What the hell's
your problem?
Every Wheels and The Legman
is the same.
You pick some boring case,
you bicker,
then you solve it.
The solution usually being
that Roger is the culprit.
It's true. I've got
the remote right here.
♪ Cheek to cheek,
and hole to hole... ♪
♪ To hole ♪
♪ There's a third hole... ♪
Go on, Jeff, shoo, shoo, scat.
Jeff, you're not
good enough for
our daughter.
You have no job,
no home and no future.
Plus, you're always
wiping your face.
No, I'm not.
Helado?
Why nobody buy my helado?
So guess who got put on
chauffeur duty again?
I did not join the CIA
for this.
Anyway, Mama, I'm not gonna
make home for Randy's birthday.
Just kick him in his fat ass
for me 29 times.
Yes, sir?
Reginald, this isn't the way
I usually drive to work.
Look, you may got
me driving you,
but I'm gonna
take my route.
Does your route include
the attitude store
where we could stop and
get you a new attitude?
Now what is this mess?
Whoa, you got a limo.
Are you rich?
Yeah, Jeff, I'm rich.
I'm a millionaire.
So I wear this stupid hat
and drive this long bitch.
Hayley won't talk to me.
I've tried everything.
Look, man, Hayley
broke my heart too,
but the girl told us both
she needs some space.
You should do what I'm doing--
start casually dating
other women.
I'm seeing a fine bitch
right now--
works at Chik-fil-A
down by the airport.
Got grease burns
all over her arms.
Am I gonna marry her?
Hell, no!
But she don't need to know that.
Um, all right, I guess
I could give Hayley her space.
My man.
Now go take a shower.
You smell like cheap weed
and apple sauce.
Cheap weed and apple sauce.
Okay, how about
this for a case?
Wheel's ex comes to town
looking for whoever
poisoned her race horse.
Uh, yeah...
Hey, what if I'm visited
by the ghost of my dead father
who also used to be a detective?
So we're just saying the first
thing that comes into our minds?
Okay, tickle monster.
I know, Dad-- I have
to deal with this
every day at the agency.
Your ghost father
is not here!
Oh, no? Then who's...
possessing me?
Stop it. Stop it, Wheels.
Stop it... Wheels...
Stop it, Wheel's father!
Hayley.
Jeff, what are
you doing here?
Look...
Hey, who solved
my theorem?!
Which one of you
is the genius?
You there.
Jeff, I thought
I told you...
I know you don't
want to see me,
but I need to tell
you something.
And then, if you want,
I'll leave you alone forever.
Thank God we got rid of Jeff
and that old hippie.
The stench of pot and body odor
was beginning to reach
h McConnaughey-vian proportions.
What's this note
from Hayley?
Dear, Mom and Dad,
I realized I'm still in love
with Jeff Fisher.
I know you hate his guts,
which is why we've decided
to elope.
Stan?
Did I... Did I turn back time?
No. You fainted and bashed
your head on the counter.
I'm-I'm pretty sure
I turned back time.
You must be Francine's
grandmother.
One day, your granddaughter
will make me a
moderately happy man.
I I can't believe Haley
ran off with that idiot.
The kids are going
to be half loser.
I'll hate my grandchildren.
And I'm gonna tell 'em.
I'm going to look them
straight in the eye and say,
"Pop-Pop hates you."
Says here they're getting
married tonight at sunset.
We'll never be able
to stop them.
We have no idea
where they went.
Oh, we have no idea?
Just like we want to have
a weekend in Santa Fe?
You. You have no idea.
You want to go
to Santa Fe.
I had tracking chips implanted
in the base of the kids' skulls
when they were born.
Hayley's heading north.
She's only 40 minutes away.
Let's go.
Which way is north?
That way.
It's a dead end.
Whoo!
We're getting married!
I'm so glad you said yes.
When you proposed, it's like
my heart started up again.
I feel so close
to you, you know.
Like we're brother
and sister.
Like you're my mom,
but with benefits.
This is so exciting.
We're starting
our lives together.
So what's our plan?
Oh, I got it all figured out.
As soon as we're married, we're
gonna move to rural Mexico
and produce a cartoon
about crickets
that don't like to eat
their vegetables.
Really? That's your plan?
Yeah. I already wrote
the pilot script.
Will you read it
and give me notes?
I'm especially interested
in any areas that come
off too pornographic.
Stan, Hayley's dot hasn't
moved in the last 20 minutes.
What could she be doing?
Oh, God! You don't
think she's having sex?
No, if her body temperature
rises, the dot turns purple.
I paid extra
for that option.
I can also explode
her breasts at any time.
Good.
She should be
up here to the right.
They must be
in the bathroom.
It turned purple!
What?!
I don't get it.
Where's Hayley?
She must have ripped out
her tracking device
and fed it to one
of these dogs.
Which one?
That one.
Well, I was able
to reattach his legs.
I think he's gonna make it.
Oh, thank God.
Stan, my credit card
is missing.
Hayley must have taken it.
Where's this scarf come from?
Oh, that was the liner
of my purse.
Okay, thanks.
The last charge
was ten minutes ago
at the Nut and Jerky House
at the base of the
Chimdale Mountains.
That mountain range
is enormous.
We'll never find them in
time to stop the wedding.
We scrimped and sacrificed
to save $50,000
to give that girl
a beautiful wedding.
And now that
money's just gone.
No, Francine, we
still have the money.
We didn't have the wedding.
No, but, Stan, she...
Oh.
We good, champ?
We work that out?
'Cause I have an idea
how we can use that money.
We have breaking
news to report.
We go now to local
man Stan Smith, live
via satellite phone.
Hello?
Yes, Stan, go ahead.
Four hours ago, my daughter,
Hayley Smith eloped
with the notorious slacker
Jeff Fisher.
I'm offering
$50,000 to anyone
who can stop
the wedding.
They're getting married
somewhere in
the Chimdale Mountains.
Again, that reward
is 50 grand,
to anyone who can
stop the wedding
of Hayley Smith
and Jeff Fisher.
Oh, hell no.
That slippery-ass hippie.
I gotta stop this.
I gotta show Hayley
I'm still in the game.
I'm going to call my man
at Jewelry Galleria.
Yo, Doug, I need a diamond.
Doesn't have to be big,
but make it flawless.
That's friend price?
You let me down, Doug.
I'm gonna call NYC.
I'm gonna get
my Hebrews on this.
Let's go get that
money, people.
Yeah!
Here we are,
the honeymoon suite.
Oh, fancy.
Chocolate on the pillow.
Hey, come back, chocolate.
Look, I'm sorry
about the room, babe.
I just don't have a lot
of scratch right now.
But once we get
to Mexico...
Jeff, I don't want
to go to Mexico, okay?
That's your plan.
We need a plan we can both
be excited about.
A new plan...
New Mexico!
I need
to take a walk.
Knock-knock.
Hotel manager.
Sorry to intrude,
but you got
the only working toilet.
You might want to turn
the TV up pretty loud.
I ate an artichoke
today.
Were you the one
who wanted to schedule
an ATV ride?
...a $50,000 reward to anyone
who can stop the marriage.
The girl has been described
as a likely
Women's Studies major
and probable roller derby
captain,
while the male is your classic
run-of-the-mill stoner.
Here's an artist rendering
of the couple.
Zoinks!
Only a couple of hours
until sunset.
I pray someone finds them
before it's too late.
Oh, look!
It's Principal Lewis!
Hi, Principal Lewis!
What the hell?!
I'm getting to those kids first!
I need that money!
I'm not going back
to that school!
y'all!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
People are excited!
Reginald, are we at
the CIA yet?
Change of plans.
I'm going after
the woman of my dreams:
Hayley Smith.
Hayley Smith?!
Oh, I had a thing
with her one summer.
What? You and Hayley
had a thing?
A thing?
That's a polite way
of saying
I tapped her
like a pony keg.
Banged her around
so much,
I lost my deposit.
Sir, I would
appreciate it
if you could refrain
from any sexual
reminiscing
regarding Hayley
whilst we take our
little detour.
Ah, I took a detour
on Hayley.
Got lost in the brush
and went down a dirt road.
What's all this now?
Why are we stopping?
You and I are gonna
fight in a field.
♪ Ah-na-na way ♪
♪ Ah-na-na-way,
na-na! ♪
What are you doing?
Capoeira, bitch!
That's Brazilian
dance-fighting.
I'm trained!
Oh, I guess we started.
My gentleman's blouse!
Finding Hayley
for the reward money.
Now that's a real case.
All right, I got
everything we need:
chocolate milk,
cheese puffs
and some Turkish
amphetamines
I scored in
the bathroom.
Whoa, whoa, Legs!
You sure that's
a good idea?
I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.
See? Everything
in moderation.
Now I'm gonna have
five cheese puffs, no more.
Legs, please,
just-just pull over!
Why are you calling me "Legs"?
Is there something wrong
with my legs?
Is that why, is that why
there's a wheelchair
in the car?!
What did you do to my legs,
you Nazi walrus bastard?!
Steve, who is he
talking to?
Shut up, Garfield!
Why-Why, why do you,
why do you hate Mondays?!
You don't even work!
Officer, please,
I'm an educator.
I'm a molder
of young minds.
Shoulder jam!
Brother's in the front seat
this time !
$50,000.
I'm gonna miss you, money.
Not you, briefcase.
Stan, are we doing
the right thing?
What if Hayley hates us
for doing this?
Hates us?
We're saving her
from making
a huge mistake.
She'll probably thank us
one day.
Like I thanked that woman
who talked me out
of sleeping with her
on that business trip
last spring.
She was right.
It would have been
a huge mistake.
I just couldn't
see that at the time.
God, she had
the prettiest eyes!
I shoulda done it.
I shoulda.
Hello.
Hey, Mr. S.
It's Jeff!
Hey, Jeff!
I know you're offering 50 grand
to anyone who stops the wedding.
Uh...
What if I agreed
to not marry your daughter?
Would you give me the money?
I played Stan's
satanic best friend
in episode 302.
Dumping Hayley
for the reward money!
That son of
a bitch hippie!
Francine, this is
a good thing.
We'll just give Jeff
the 50 grand
and be rid of him
forever!
You piece of .
Francine, please.
You're gonna break
my daughter's heart
for $50,000?!
Francine!
You're too angry
right now.
Go buy some nuts
and jerky.
You're buying my wife
some nuts and jerky.
I'm gonna buy
some nuts and jerky,
you piece of .
Whoa! Hundred-dollar bills.
Hello, President Shakespeare.
You'll find Hayley at the
Chimdale Mountain Inn.
We were right about you
all along.
I'm sorry, Mr. S.
Your daughter and I have
just been fighting a lot,
and I'm not sure
she's awesome.
Just say the word.
Don't do it,
Francine!
All I heard was,
"Do it."
Honey,
it's not loaded.
Ow.
Seh-seh-seh!
All right,
enough of this.
Are you ready
to apologize?
I apologize to the maids
at the Red Roof Inn
who have to clean
the curtains
and you just said
all that.
I'm gonna call your mama
and tell her what you said.
Don't!
That money's mine!
MAN 2:
I saw her first!
Leave me alone!
Fireman chop!
Come here,
you valuable shiksa!
Fumble!
Hey!
Spring break, yeah!
Yeah!
Stop, all of you!
The reward has been claimed!
Who claimed it?
The hippie Jeff Fisher.
Really?
The NFL coach?
Probably.
I thought he
was dead.
Wha... What are you
talking about?
He took the money, Hayley.
He's no good.
That's... not possible.
I'm sorry, honey,
but it's better you
find out now.
I guess you guys
were right.
I'll get my stuff,
and then we can go home.
Bitch, what are you
crying about?!
I was counting on that money.
I can't go back to work now!
I took a deuce on my desk!
y'all!
That was quite
a ride, Wheels,
but I think
I got us there.
Hey, I see Hayley!
Don't marry Jeff!
Case closed.
How much packing
does she have to do?
It's been 45 minutes.
You saw her face
when she found out
Jeff bailed on her.
She's devastated!
She looked like
she wanted to die.
Wait... You don't
think she'd...?
Oh, my God!
Hayley!
Oh, it's okay.
It's just the hotel manager.
"Surprise. Jeff and I were
in on it together.
"We stole your money
and eloped,
"this time in style.
"By the way, it was
my loser husband's idea.
Yours truly,
Mrs. Jeff Fisher."
That's a weird
suicide note.
No, this is from Hayley.
The suicide note's on the back.
"I'm so sorry for
all the horrible
things I've done.
You'll find the severed
penises underneath..."
Ah, I don't care.
That weaselly
little sneak!
What the hell
are you smiling at?
Our daughter's new husband
just made 50 grand
in half a day.
Maybe he's not the idiot
we thought he was.
Huh. So maybe Hayley's judgment
isn't so bad.
What do you know?
Maybe I won't hate
my grandchildren
after all.
So what do you
want to do now?
What a day.
50K. I love you, baby!
I love you, too, babe.
So, now that
we're married,
there's something
I want you to see.
Totally makes up
for my small
penis, huh?