American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 18 - Great Space Roaster - full transcript
Roger feels humiliated after the Smiths roast him for his birthday, so he sets out to kill the family.
(upbeat march plays)
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
American Dad 5x18
Great Space Roaster
Original Air Date on May 16, 2010
Oh, my God!
We've been robbed!
Come on out,
you thieving bastards!
Dad!
Hayley, you were elected
family gun shield
at the last family meeting.
You're also in charge
of the Netflix queue.
Just know this:
I never don't want to have
Kindergarten Cop.
(Francine gasps)
(groans)
Roger, did you see who did this?
Yeah. I did this.
I was looking for clues
to where you're throwing
my birthday party.
Found nothing,
so I took a nap.
Roger, we wanted it
to be a surprise.
We're throwing you
a bowling party!
Oh, a bowling party!
How original!
Apparently, I'm a
13-year-old Latino kid.
Well, what do you
want to do?
Something good.
I mean, you rented out
the amphitheater
for Steve's birthday.
We went to
a 4 Non Blondes concert.
It's not our fault
we were the only ones there.
You took Hayley skydiving.
Stan got four
pairs of jeans.
I guess you had to come out of
or regularly visit
Francine's clown hole
to matter around this place!
It is a happening spot.
I want to do
something special.
I'm turning 1,601.
When I hit puberty,
warning, I'm gonna get
a lot more
sexually aggressive.
You have
any suggestions?
Uh, yeah, everyone
should avoid wearing
loose-fitting shorts
around me.
I'll get in there!
(chuckles)
But seriously, I want to do
what the greats do
when they get celebrated:
I want a roast!
Roger, do you even know
what a roast is?
Of course I do!
I was a member
of the Friars Club
in the '60s.
I drove Phyllis Diller
to two of her first
three abortions.
She must have such regrets,
never getting
her driver's license.
I guess we
can do that.
We'll dress up nice, throw a few
good-natured barbs your way.
Good-natured?
Oh, no, don't you dare
go light on me!
The best roasts are
brutal and hilarious.
Oh, I think it'll be fun.
You can't participate,
Klaus. I hate you.
I say that not out of anger,
but simply as a fact.
It's 67 degrees outside,
and I hate you.
Well, if that's what
you really want,
then of course
we'll do it.
Make it so, Fran-cisco.
(chuckles)
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have my
bowling league tonight.
(Latin accent):
I'm-a roll a turkey
tonight, ese.
Settle down, everyone.
Who threw that?
MAN:
Your mother's ass!
(snaps fingers)
Due to recent
financial hardships,
the CIA has been forced
to take on a corporate sponsor.
That sponsor is
Jones Enterprises,
makers of the Chia Pet.
So from now on,
we'll be known
as the Central Human
Intelligence Agency.
(squeaking, whirring)
Frank!
Just let him go.
The Chia Pet people
are sending a CIA family
into space
for one year
to see if Chia seeds
grow up there.
The dream of an
afro on the moon
is within our
grasp, people!
MAN:
Looks like
your wife's (bleep).
Kruger, you just got
yourself a month in Kabul!
Now...
(clears throat)
the agent chosen
for this mission
was not only the most qualified,
he also sold the most
magazine subscriptions.
Congratulations,
Sanders!
(polite applause)
Can't you even smile?
I don't have
any friends in space!
You're friends
with your sister!
(band plays lively music)
Good evening, and welcome
to the Smith family roast
of Roger Smith.
Say mean things, Stan!
Talk about how he's gray!
You ready, Roger?
Roger is truly one of the most
interesting people I know.
He's also
a pathetic drug addict.
(laughter)
Now, I'm gonna read a list
of different drugs,
and, Roger, if you hear one
you're not on right now,
raise your hand.
"Cocaine. Heroin.
Ecstasy. Crack.
"OxyContin. Meth.
Steroids.
"Cooked-down Afrin.
Euphoria, the fake
drug from 90210."
(loud laughter)
Okay, next I'd like
to introduce a woman
who is in a rare group
for Roger--
one who hasn't (bleep) him
with a (bleep).
Ho-ho!
Let's hear it
for Francine Smith!
(applause)
(laughs):
Oh, thank you, Stan.
Roger, you're the most
disgusting, out-of-shape
piece of (bleep) I've
ever met in my life.
And I know Sammy Hagar.
(laughing raucously)
(laughing)
A few years ago, we thought
it would be a good idea
to get Roger a
checking account
to teach him
responsibility.
Here's what
old Rog did.
Here's check 001,
the only check
Roger ever wrote.
(Stan laughing)
Please note that
in the date line
he's written:
"Today comma 1783."
It's made out for the
amount of $72 million,
and it's payable
to "Drugs."
(family laughing)
On the memo line,
it says:
"For drugs, yo,"
and it's signed
"John Travolta."
(laughing loudly)
Anyway, this was the
only check he ever wrote.
The rest of the checks
have holes in them,
because Roger got
drunk and raped them.
(family laughing uncontrollably)
Roger's June 4 diary entry.
It says: "Million-dollar ideas."
And under it, it reads:
"Diarrhea equals Rhea Perlman."
STAN (laughing):
No-ho-ho-ho!
The rest of the pages
have holes in them
because he raped them.
(family laughing)
(chuckling)
All right, it's time to hear
from the man of the hour.
Roger, you drunk, lazy (bleep),
get the waiter's (bleep) out
of your mouth and get up here!
(band playing lively music)
(music fades out)
(voice wavering):
Why? Why would you do this?
What... what did I ever do
to any of you to make you say
those incredibly hurtful things?
Are you serious?
Does it look like
I'm not serious?!
Roger, this is
what you asked for.
You stay away
from me, Francine!
All of you
stay away from me!
This has been the worst night
of my entire life!
(sobbing loudly)
Morning.
Roger!
Where have you been?
We haven't seen you
in days!
Getting my life together--
that's where.
Those comments you made
the other night resonated in me,
and I decided it was time
for a change.
We didn't say those things
so you'd change.
We were just poking fun.
Well, the person you described
in graphic detail
and in decent joke form
is not someone I want to be.
I got a job at a bank,
which should address
the monetary problem
Hayley pointed out,
and I'm also
three days sober.
Stan, thank you for that
very loud wake-up call.
Who's that positive
girl with you?
This is Ally,
my life coach.
She also works
at Jumbo Juice.
She gave me a fiber boost.
Then she gave me a life boost.
(squealing-laughing)
(squealing yell)
She has weird energy,
doesn't she?
She also made me
a goal list.
This is the first piece of paper
I haven't sexually
assaulted in years.
So... you're not mad
at us anymore?
God, no!
You saved my life!
Okay, because you were madder
than we've ever seen you,
and you do have a history
of holding grudges.
What? No, I don't.
You wrote death threats
to Merlin Oln
for seven years after
Father Murphy was cancelled.
He was just
the star, Roger.
That was the old me.
I'm done with all that.
And by the way, Merlin
had a producer credit
the second season.
He could have done
something.
Ah, I'm off for
a little night run
at the Howard
University track.
Sit down and
have dinner first.
Thank you, no.
I'm going for a run,
and I have to leave here
right now, immediately.
KLAUS:
Guys, get in here!
The porn channel's
cong in for some reason!
(porn movie music playing)
Nice.
(all coughing)
Is everyone okay?
Did we lose the porn?
There must have been
a gas leak!
We could have all
been killed.
You know, Roger sure
did leave in a hurry.
You... you don't think
Roger had something to do
with the explosion!
Because of the roast?
Guys, you heard him: we inspired
him to better himself.
Still, to be safe,
we should follow him.
You know, just to see
if he's doing all the
things he says he is.
...and $300.
Have a good one.
Hey, Liz, I'm thinking about
going to Nordstrom's at lunch.
Do you want to grab a sandwich
and walk around Nordstrom's
at lunch, Elizabeth?
(panting)
You know, the other day
I took a walk
down to George C. Scott Park
right when the sun
was going down.
You know how that time is like.
Sun throwing shadows and all.
Got me thinking about
when I was a young man
sitting in that park,
you know, watching the girls,
smoking a little herb,
drinking a cold beer.
And I had this moment when
I wanted to feel that way agn.
But I didn't get high.
Instead, I went home
and watched The Wire.
That's where
this speech is from.
Thanks for letting me share.
(family laughing)
You guys thought
I tried to kill you?
Hilarious!
(laughter)
It's so therapeutic
to laugh.
Hey, does anyone have
the exact time?
8:04.
Thank you,
my love.
Ow. Ow.
Oh, my running regimen
is killing my lower back.
(groans)
I got to lie down.
(automatic gunfire)
You guys can get up now!
It's definitely over!
(artillery fire booming)
(final gunshot)
You were right!
Someone is trying to kill us!
Let's get out of here!
Get in the car! Let's go!
(tires squeal)
I think we're safe.
Quick thinking
back there, Roger.
Roger?
(no audio)
Roger might be
trying to kill us.
And we have
no brakes.
(tires squealing)
(horns honking)
(air hissing)
Wow! This is a
really safe car!
Of course it is, son.
The new Chevy Tumbler
has driver-
and passenger-side air bags,
as well as head-curtain
side-impact air bags.
Plus an all-new
third row of seats,
and OnStar with a one-year
"Safe and Sound" plan.
WOMAN:
This is OnStar.
Is everything okay, Mr. Smith?
Everything's fine, Elaine.
Thank you.
Who the (bleep)
is Elaine, Stan?
♪ I saw the sign ♪
♪ And it opened up my eyes ♪
♪ I saw the sign... ♪
(gasps)
You're alive!
So you are pissed
about the roast!
You're damn right I am!
You guys all got up
and insulted me
in the meanest way possible!
And you were all laughing!
Yeah, that's a roast.
Roger!
It's too late!
A switch went off
inside me that night,
and now all I think about
is killing you guys.
That's been my real
goal all along.
My first few attempts failed,
so I'm changing my approach,
gonna get more creative.
Nothing's set in stone,
although I'm pretty sure
these scorpions are going
in Steve's butt.
They're rare butthole-eating
scorpions
and they cost me
2,000 bucks each,
but then I'm not very good
with money, am I, Hayley?
Roger, you need
to stop this now!
I'm never gonna stop.
(grunting)
(gasping)
Nice shot, Steve.
Every shot's a nice shot
with a McGregor tranq gun.
(with Scottish accent):
McGregor. It's Scottish
for bull's-eye.
What are we gonna do now?
Well, Roger's clearly
committed to killing us all.
So I'm gonna put him
somewhere he can't hurt us.
STAN:
The Bangkwang
Maximum Security Prison.
No man's ever gotten out alive.
I feel bad for Roger.
Don't. It was either him or us.
And I picked us.
Oh, my God, breaking news
from Asia!
Oh, no.
An inmate has escaped
from the Bangkwang
Prison in Thailand.
The prisoner killed
two dozen guards;
then built a boat out
of their corpses to get away.
(phone rings)
(all screaming)
ROGER:
You guys watching the news?
How-How did you know?
Because I'm right behind you.
Just kidding.
(yells)
I'm at the Indianapolis Airport
on a layover.
Watching a Hoosiers game
at a bar.
Coming to kill ya.
We got to get
the hell out of here.
Where are we
going to go?
(phone rings)
KLAUS (on machine):
Hi. You've reached the Smiths.
Leave a message.
(beep)
ROGER:
Just so you know,
there's nowhere on Earth
you guys can go
where I can't find you. Nowhere!
Can I get another iced tea?
Is anyone watching this game?
It's a blowout.
You are? Why? It's a blowout.
You know what?
Forget the iced tea.
I'm gonna head to my gate.
(sounds of cell phone
swishing in pocket)
Hi. Do you have
this week's People?
People Magazine! This week's?
(camera shutter clicking)
Sir! Wait!
Well, according
to this paper,
Smith has sold ten more magazine
subscriptions than Sanders.
MAN:
What?
I guess I have no choice
but to let the Smith family
take the Sanders' place
on the space station
for the next year.
We'll be safe
in space.
That we know.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no! Aah!
Oh! Yes!
(low rumbling)
(rhythmic clacking)
(beeping)
(whooshing)
(rhythmic trilling)
(ding)
(whirring)
(two beeps)
(two beeps)
(yawns)
You think Roger's still
looking for us?
All I know is
we don't have to worry
about it for
the next year.
Stan, can you please
just put a jumpsuit on
like the
rest of us?
No can do.
Earth Stan
is boxers.
Space Stan
is panties.
Steve, don't
steal glances.
If you want
to check out
my meatballs
in this thing,
go right ahead.
I'm your dad.
"Day three.
"Chia pet 122271:
Three and five-eighths growth."
Fascinating.
Permission to apply
Chia pet specimen 010874
with alpha paste.
Paste application
approved.
Steady.
Well done.
Prepare olfactory system
for flatulence.
Flatulence denied.
(breaks wind)
Flatulence has been sent.
Steve, Klaus went to get
more Chia seeds an hour ago.
Go find him.
Aye, aye,
Captain.
This isn't a boat.
It is a ship!
Get out.
(whooshing)
Klaus?
Klaus, where are you?
(muffled screaming)
(muffled screaming)
Klaus?
Klaus! It's stuck.
Get away!
It's a trap!
He's here!
(eerie tones playing)
Steve, behind you!
(roaring)
(loud clack)
(klaxon sounding)
Stan, what's
happening?
Not much.
What's happening with you?
♪ ♪
What is that?
Is that Ace of Base?
Roger!
(gasps)
He's here.
He's gonna
kill us all!
(gasps)
Steve's still
out there!
We have to find him
and get off this space station.
Let's split up.
Whoever finds him,
radio the others,
and we'll meet up
at the escape pod.
♪ ♪
(Roger singing)
(klaxon continues blaring)
(whirring)
(whirring)
(Francine screaming)
FRANCINE:
Stan, Roger's gonna get us.
Where are you?
We're in the kitchen.
I'm running as fast as I can.
(both screaming)
(hissing)
(beep and chirp)
It's gonna be okay, Francine.
I made it to the escape pod.
I'm safe.
What?! Stan, hurry!
We're almost on the ground.
No! Oh!
(both women screaming
and muttering)
Well, I did all I could.
(gasps)
Fresh panties for the ride home!
♪ ♪
ROGER:
Ow!
(hissing)
♪ ♪
Welcome and thank you
for coming!
Are you gonna
kill us now?
That'd be too easy.
No. You have to feel
the same pain I felt that night.
So you're going
to roast us?
No. You're going
to roast each other.
And your zingers better be mean.
If you try any weak sauce,
I'm gonna give you such a zots.
(buzzing)
Oh!
Now, Stan,
roast Hayley.
(buzzing)
Aah!
You feel
that zots?!
Hayley, you're not very smart,
and you smoke a lot of pot.
Zots!
Aah! Okay.
Hayley, I secretly wish
you were Benjamin Button,
and you were aging backwards,
and your life was almost over.
(both laughing)
Oh, yeah!
Insults in the
form of jokes.
How's it feel, Hayley?
Not too bueno, I bet.
Okay, now do Steve.
Steve, you will
never get laid.
There's nothing attractive
about you.
You have the sex appeal
of the cancer ward
in a pediatric hospital.
(laughing)
Oh.
Hayley coming in
with a groaner. Nice.
Okay, Steve, let's see you
give it to your mama.
Mom, you are
not smart.
I don't tell "yo mama's
so dumb" jokes.
I tell "my mama's
so dumb" jokes.
Example:
My mama's so dumb,
I don't tell "yo
mama's so dumb" jokes.
I tell "my mama's
so dumb" jokes.
I love it.
Francine, take the pain and
throw it right at Stan. Do it!
Stan, you have
the undeserved ego
of Jeremy Piven,
the annoying
self-righteousness
of Sean Penn,
and the unbearable
hypocrisy
of Rush Limbaugh.
What I'm trying
to say is,
you're almost as bad a
person as Rachael Ray.
(laughs)
(all laughing)
Why are you laughing?
That wasn't funny.
That's, like,
the meanest thing
anyone's ever said
to anyone.
What the hell's
going on here?
Where's the
hurt feelings?
Roger, we can say these things
to each other
because we're family.
It doesn't hurt my feelings
because I still know
they love me.
Well, your roast
hurt my feelings!
Wait a minute.
You don't consider yourself
part of this family, do you?
No, 'cause
I'm not.
Are you
kidding me?!
We tried to throw you
a bowling party.
We-we did the roast
you wanted...
If after all
this time,
you still don't feel
part of this family,
it's your hang-up.
Roger, we love you.
You're a Smith.
If you can't accept that,
go (bleep) yourself.
Oh. Oh, my God.
I am a part of this family.
You do love me.
I feel it now.
I'm-I'm...
I'm letting it
wash over me.
Look at me.
I'm crying like Francine
when she watches Grey's Anatomy.
I just feel so sorry
for those poor actors.
(all laughing)
Hey, Roger, go
take some Euphoria
and rape the
data journal!
(all laughing)
I've been eyeing it.
I'm not gonna lie.
(all laughing)
(sighs)
Fun birthday.
(gagging)
Hey, never thought I'd see
you dirty bastards again.
Ah. I feel great.
Cleaned out.
All right, who wants them next?
No one?
Okay, you heard 'em.
Round two, boys.
Now make sure this time
that you really...
(grunts, sighs)
Oh. Oh, you know
what you're doing.
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
American Dad 5x18
Great Space Roaster
Original Air Date on May 16, 2010
Oh, my God!
We've been robbed!
Come on out,
you thieving bastards!
Dad!
Hayley, you were elected
family gun shield
at the last family meeting.
You're also in charge
of the Netflix queue.
Just know this:
I never don't want to have
Kindergarten Cop.
(Francine gasps)
(groans)
Roger, did you see who did this?
Yeah. I did this.
I was looking for clues
to where you're throwing
my birthday party.
Found nothing,
so I took a nap.
Roger, we wanted it
to be a surprise.
We're throwing you
a bowling party!
Oh, a bowling party!
How original!
Apparently, I'm a
13-year-old Latino kid.
Well, what do you
want to do?
Something good.
I mean, you rented out
the amphitheater
for Steve's birthday.
We went to
a 4 Non Blondes concert.
It's not our fault
we were the only ones there.
You took Hayley skydiving.
Stan got four
pairs of jeans.
I guess you had to come out of
or regularly visit
Francine's clown hole
to matter around this place!
It is a happening spot.
I want to do
something special.
I'm turning 1,601.
When I hit puberty,
warning, I'm gonna get
a lot more
sexually aggressive.
You have
any suggestions?
Uh, yeah, everyone
should avoid wearing
loose-fitting shorts
around me.
I'll get in there!
(chuckles)
But seriously, I want to do
what the greats do
when they get celebrated:
I want a roast!
Roger, do you even know
what a roast is?
Of course I do!
I was a member
of the Friars Club
in the '60s.
I drove Phyllis Diller
to two of her first
three abortions.
She must have such regrets,
never getting
her driver's license.
I guess we
can do that.
We'll dress up nice, throw a few
good-natured barbs your way.
Good-natured?
Oh, no, don't you dare
go light on me!
The best roasts are
brutal and hilarious.
Oh, I think it'll be fun.
You can't participate,
Klaus. I hate you.
I say that not out of anger,
but simply as a fact.
It's 67 degrees outside,
and I hate you.
Well, if that's what
you really want,
then of course
we'll do it.
Make it so, Fran-cisco.
(chuckles)
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have my
bowling league tonight.
(Latin accent):
I'm-a roll a turkey
tonight, ese.
Settle down, everyone.
Who threw that?
MAN:
Your mother's ass!
(snaps fingers)
Due to recent
financial hardships,
the CIA has been forced
to take on a corporate sponsor.
That sponsor is
Jones Enterprises,
makers of the Chia Pet.
So from now on,
we'll be known
as the Central Human
Intelligence Agency.
(squeaking, whirring)
Frank!
Just let him go.
The Chia Pet people
are sending a CIA family
into space
for one year
to see if Chia seeds
grow up there.
The dream of an
afro on the moon
is within our
grasp, people!
MAN:
Looks like
your wife's (bleep).
Kruger, you just got
yourself a month in Kabul!
Now...
(clears throat)
the agent chosen
for this mission
was not only the most qualified,
he also sold the most
magazine subscriptions.
Congratulations,
Sanders!
(polite applause)
Can't you even smile?
I don't have
any friends in space!
You're friends
with your sister!
(band plays lively music)
Good evening, and welcome
to the Smith family roast
of Roger Smith.
Say mean things, Stan!
Talk about how he's gray!
You ready, Roger?
Roger is truly one of the most
interesting people I know.
He's also
a pathetic drug addict.
(laughter)
Now, I'm gonna read a list
of different drugs,
and, Roger, if you hear one
you're not on right now,
raise your hand.
"Cocaine. Heroin.
Ecstasy. Crack.
"OxyContin. Meth.
Steroids.
"Cooked-down Afrin.
Euphoria, the fake
drug from 90210."
(loud laughter)
Okay, next I'd like
to introduce a woman
who is in a rare group
for Roger--
one who hasn't (bleep) him
with a (bleep).
Ho-ho!
Let's hear it
for Francine Smith!
(applause)
(laughs):
Oh, thank you, Stan.
Roger, you're the most
disgusting, out-of-shape
piece of (bleep) I've
ever met in my life.
And I know Sammy Hagar.
(laughing raucously)
(laughing)
A few years ago, we thought
it would be a good idea
to get Roger a
checking account
to teach him
responsibility.
Here's what
old Rog did.
Here's check 001,
the only check
Roger ever wrote.
(Stan laughing)
Please note that
in the date line
he's written:
"Today comma 1783."
It's made out for the
amount of $72 million,
and it's payable
to "Drugs."
(family laughing)
On the memo line,
it says:
"For drugs, yo,"
and it's signed
"John Travolta."
(laughing loudly)
Anyway, this was the
only check he ever wrote.
The rest of the checks
have holes in them,
because Roger got
drunk and raped them.
(family laughing uncontrollably)
Roger's June 4 diary entry.
It says: "Million-dollar ideas."
And under it, it reads:
"Diarrhea equals Rhea Perlman."
STAN (laughing):
No-ho-ho-ho!
The rest of the pages
have holes in them
because he raped them.
(family laughing)
(chuckling)
All right, it's time to hear
from the man of the hour.
Roger, you drunk, lazy (bleep),
get the waiter's (bleep) out
of your mouth and get up here!
(band playing lively music)
(music fades out)
(voice wavering):
Why? Why would you do this?
What... what did I ever do
to any of you to make you say
those incredibly hurtful things?
Are you serious?
Does it look like
I'm not serious?!
Roger, this is
what you asked for.
You stay away
from me, Francine!
All of you
stay away from me!
This has been the worst night
of my entire life!
(sobbing loudly)
Morning.
Roger!
Where have you been?
We haven't seen you
in days!
Getting my life together--
that's where.
Those comments you made
the other night resonated in me,
and I decided it was time
for a change.
We didn't say those things
so you'd change.
We were just poking fun.
Well, the person you described
in graphic detail
and in decent joke form
is not someone I want to be.
I got a job at a bank,
which should address
the monetary problem
Hayley pointed out,
and I'm also
three days sober.
Stan, thank you for that
very loud wake-up call.
Who's that positive
girl with you?
This is Ally,
my life coach.
She also works
at Jumbo Juice.
She gave me a fiber boost.
Then she gave me a life boost.
(squealing-laughing)
(squealing yell)
She has weird energy,
doesn't she?
She also made me
a goal list.
This is the first piece of paper
I haven't sexually
assaulted in years.
So... you're not mad
at us anymore?
God, no!
You saved my life!
Okay, because you were madder
than we've ever seen you,
and you do have a history
of holding grudges.
What? No, I don't.
You wrote death threats
to Merlin Oln
for seven years after
Father Murphy was cancelled.
He was just
the star, Roger.
That was the old me.
I'm done with all that.
And by the way, Merlin
had a producer credit
the second season.
He could have done
something.
Ah, I'm off for
a little night run
at the Howard
University track.
Sit down and
have dinner first.
Thank you, no.
I'm going for a run,
and I have to leave here
right now, immediately.
KLAUS:
Guys, get in here!
The porn channel's
cong in for some reason!
(porn movie music playing)
Nice.
(all coughing)
Is everyone okay?
Did we lose the porn?
There must have been
a gas leak!
We could have all
been killed.
You know, Roger sure
did leave in a hurry.
You... you don't think
Roger had something to do
with the explosion!
Because of the roast?
Guys, you heard him: we inspired
him to better himself.
Still, to be safe,
we should follow him.
You know, just to see
if he's doing all the
things he says he is.
...and $300.
Have a good one.
Hey, Liz, I'm thinking about
going to Nordstrom's at lunch.
Do you want to grab a sandwich
and walk around Nordstrom's
at lunch, Elizabeth?
(panting)
You know, the other day
I took a walk
down to George C. Scott Park
right when the sun
was going down.
You know how that time is like.
Sun throwing shadows and all.
Got me thinking about
when I was a young man
sitting in that park,
you know, watching the girls,
smoking a little herb,
drinking a cold beer.
And I had this moment when
I wanted to feel that way agn.
But I didn't get high.
Instead, I went home
and watched The Wire.
That's where
this speech is from.
Thanks for letting me share.
(family laughing)
You guys thought
I tried to kill you?
Hilarious!
(laughter)
It's so therapeutic
to laugh.
Hey, does anyone have
the exact time?
8:04.
Thank you,
my love.
Ow. Ow.
Oh, my running regimen
is killing my lower back.
(groans)
I got to lie down.
(automatic gunfire)
You guys can get up now!
It's definitely over!
(artillery fire booming)
(final gunshot)
You were right!
Someone is trying to kill us!
Let's get out of here!
Get in the car! Let's go!
(tires squeal)
I think we're safe.
Quick thinking
back there, Roger.
Roger?
(no audio)
Roger might be
trying to kill us.
And we have
no brakes.
(tires squealing)
(horns honking)
(air hissing)
Wow! This is a
really safe car!
Of course it is, son.
The new Chevy Tumbler
has driver-
and passenger-side air bags,
as well as head-curtain
side-impact air bags.
Plus an all-new
third row of seats,
and OnStar with a one-year
"Safe and Sound" plan.
WOMAN:
This is OnStar.
Is everything okay, Mr. Smith?
Everything's fine, Elaine.
Thank you.
Who the (bleep)
is Elaine, Stan?
♪ I saw the sign ♪
♪ And it opened up my eyes ♪
♪ I saw the sign... ♪
(gasps)
You're alive!
So you are pissed
about the roast!
You're damn right I am!
You guys all got up
and insulted me
in the meanest way possible!
And you were all laughing!
Yeah, that's a roast.
Roger!
It's too late!
A switch went off
inside me that night,
and now all I think about
is killing you guys.
That's been my real
goal all along.
My first few attempts failed,
so I'm changing my approach,
gonna get more creative.
Nothing's set in stone,
although I'm pretty sure
these scorpions are going
in Steve's butt.
They're rare butthole-eating
scorpions
and they cost me
2,000 bucks each,
but then I'm not very good
with money, am I, Hayley?
Roger, you need
to stop this now!
I'm never gonna stop.
(grunting)
(gasping)
Nice shot, Steve.
Every shot's a nice shot
with a McGregor tranq gun.
(with Scottish accent):
McGregor. It's Scottish
for bull's-eye.
What are we gonna do now?
Well, Roger's clearly
committed to killing us all.
So I'm gonna put him
somewhere he can't hurt us.
STAN:
The Bangkwang
Maximum Security Prison.
No man's ever gotten out alive.
I feel bad for Roger.
Don't. It was either him or us.
And I picked us.
Oh, my God, breaking news
from Asia!
Oh, no.
An inmate has escaped
from the Bangkwang
Prison in Thailand.
The prisoner killed
two dozen guards;
then built a boat out
of their corpses to get away.
(phone rings)
(all screaming)
ROGER:
You guys watching the news?
How-How did you know?
Because I'm right behind you.
Just kidding.
(yells)
I'm at the Indianapolis Airport
on a layover.
Watching a Hoosiers game
at a bar.
Coming to kill ya.
We got to get
the hell out of here.
Where are we
going to go?
(phone rings)
KLAUS (on machine):
Hi. You've reached the Smiths.
Leave a message.
(beep)
ROGER:
Just so you know,
there's nowhere on Earth
you guys can go
where I can't find you. Nowhere!
Can I get another iced tea?
Is anyone watching this game?
It's a blowout.
You are? Why? It's a blowout.
You know what?
Forget the iced tea.
I'm gonna head to my gate.
(sounds of cell phone
swishing in pocket)
Hi. Do you have
this week's People?
People Magazine! This week's?
(camera shutter clicking)
Sir! Wait!
Well, according
to this paper,
Smith has sold ten more magazine
subscriptions than Sanders.
MAN:
What?
I guess I have no choice
but to let the Smith family
take the Sanders' place
on the space station
for the next year.
We'll be safe
in space.
That we know.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no! Aah!
Oh! Yes!
(low rumbling)
(rhythmic clacking)
(beeping)
(whooshing)
(rhythmic trilling)
(ding)
(whirring)
(two beeps)
(two beeps)
(yawns)
You think Roger's still
looking for us?
All I know is
we don't have to worry
about it for
the next year.
Stan, can you please
just put a jumpsuit on
like the
rest of us?
No can do.
Earth Stan
is boxers.
Space Stan
is panties.
Steve, don't
steal glances.
If you want
to check out
my meatballs
in this thing,
go right ahead.
I'm your dad.
"Day three.
"Chia pet 122271:
Three and five-eighths growth."
Fascinating.
Permission to apply
Chia pet specimen 010874
with alpha paste.
Paste application
approved.
Steady.
Well done.
Prepare olfactory system
for flatulence.
Flatulence denied.
(breaks wind)
Flatulence has been sent.
Steve, Klaus went to get
more Chia seeds an hour ago.
Go find him.
Aye, aye,
Captain.
This isn't a boat.
It is a ship!
Get out.
(whooshing)
Klaus?
Klaus, where are you?
(muffled screaming)
(muffled screaming)
Klaus?
Klaus! It's stuck.
Get away!
It's a trap!
He's here!
(eerie tones playing)
Steve, behind you!
(roaring)
(loud clack)
(klaxon sounding)
Stan, what's
happening?
Not much.
What's happening with you?
♪ ♪
What is that?
Is that Ace of Base?
Roger!
(gasps)
He's here.
He's gonna
kill us all!
(gasps)
Steve's still
out there!
We have to find him
and get off this space station.
Let's split up.
Whoever finds him,
radio the others,
and we'll meet up
at the escape pod.
♪ ♪
(Roger singing)
(klaxon continues blaring)
(whirring)
(whirring)
(Francine screaming)
FRANCINE:
Stan, Roger's gonna get us.
Where are you?
We're in the kitchen.
I'm running as fast as I can.
(both screaming)
(hissing)
(beep and chirp)
It's gonna be okay, Francine.
I made it to the escape pod.
I'm safe.
What?! Stan, hurry!
We're almost on the ground.
No! Oh!
(both women screaming
and muttering)
Well, I did all I could.
(gasps)
Fresh panties for the ride home!
♪ ♪
ROGER:
Ow!
(hissing)
♪ ♪
Welcome and thank you
for coming!
Are you gonna
kill us now?
That'd be too easy.
No. You have to feel
the same pain I felt that night.
So you're going
to roast us?
No. You're going
to roast each other.
And your zingers better be mean.
If you try any weak sauce,
I'm gonna give you such a zots.
(buzzing)
Oh!
Now, Stan,
roast Hayley.
(buzzing)
Aah!
You feel
that zots?!
Hayley, you're not very smart,
and you smoke a lot of pot.
Zots!
Aah! Okay.
Hayley, I secretly wish
you were Benjamin Button,
and you were aging backwards,
and your life was almost over.
(both laughing)
Oh, yeah!
Insults in the
form of jokes.
How's it feel, Hayley?
Not too bueno, I bet.
Okay, now do Steve.
Steve, you will
never get laid.
There's nothing attractive
about you.
You have the sex appeal
of the cancer ward
in a pediatric hospital.
(laughing)
Oh.
Hayley coming in
with a groaner. Nice.
Okay, Steve, let's see you
give it to your mama.
Mom, you are
not smart.
I don't tell "yo mama's
so dumb" jokes.
I tell "my mama's
so dumb" jokes.
Example:
My mama's so dumb,
I don't tell "yo
mama's so dumb" jokes.
I tell "my mama's
so dumb" jokes.
I love it.
Francine, take the pain and
throw it right at Stan. Do it!
Stan, you have
the undeserved ego
of Jeremy Piven,
the annoying
self-righteousness
of Sean Penn,
and the unbearable
hypocrisy
of Rush Limbaugh.
What I'm trying
to say is,
you're almost as bad a
person as Rachael Ray.
(laughs)
(all laughing)
Why are you laughing?
That wasn't funny.
That's, like,
the meanest thing
anyone's ever said
to anyone.
What the hell's
going on here?
Where's the
hurt feelings?
Roger, we can say these things
to each other
because we're family.
It doesn't hurt my feelings
because I still know
they love me.
Well, your roast
hurt my feelings!
Wait a minute.
You don't consider yourself
part of this family, do you?
No, 'cause
I'm not.
Are you
kidding me?!
We tried to throw you
a bowling party.
We-we did the roast
you wanted...
If after all
this time,
you still don't feel
part of this family,
it's your hang-up.
Roger, we love you.
You're a Smith.
If you can't accept that,
go (bleep) yourself.
Oh. Oh, my God.
I am a part of this family.
You do love me.
I feel it now.
I'm-I'm...
I'm letting it
wash over me.
Look at me.
I'm crying like Francine
when she watches Grey's Anatomy.
I just feel so sorry
for those poor actors.
(all laughing)
Hey, Roger, go
take some Euphoria
and rape the
data journal!
(all laughing)
I've been eyeing it.
I'm not gonna lie.
(all laughing)
(sighs)
Fun birthday.
(gagging)
Hey, never thought I'd see
you dirty bastards again.
Ah. I feel great.
Cleaned out.
All right, who wants them next?
No one?
Okay, you heard 'em.
Round two, boys.
Now make sure this time
that you really...
(grunts, sighs)
Oh. Oh, you know
what you're doing.