American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 17 - An Incident at Owl Creek - full transcript
Stan cannot escape the shame and humiliation from an embarrassing incident in the pool at a neighborhood party, until he discovers that the only person who can save him is President Obama.
(upbeat march plays)
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
American Dad 5x17
An Incident at Owl Creek
Original Air Date on May 9, 2010
Hey, Shari and Buckle
are moving into the
neighborhood,
and they've invited
us to a pool party.
Wait, next weekend.
Does that give
us enough time?
Oh, no, Stan!
Does this mean
we have to do
another one of your...
"Are we good enough
to be seen in public"
Smith family fashion shows?
Yes, it does.
(muted techno-pop music playing)
(techno-pop music continues)
(turns volume down)
First up,
Hayley Smith
in what appears to be
the "White Trash Going Crazy
at Lake Havasu" collection.
STAN:
Stop! Stop!
You are not wearing
that to Buckle and
Shari's pool party.
You look like you should
be holding up round cards
at a dog fight in Fresno!
Steve, you've known about
this party for a week,
and you haven't
bulked up!
You didn't make a dent
in that Russian protein
powder I gave you.
Uh, I don't think
it's for people, Dad.
Get out of my sight.
You made me feel like
a fool for building
a professional-grade
runway in my living room.
You, my darling,
look perfect.
Thank you.
But you run your mouth
at these things.
I'm giving you a
hundred-word limit.
Here, I got you
this counter.
Are you serious?
(clicks three times)
You've got 97 left.
Stan, why is it every time
we go out in public together,
you make us pass
your silly inspection.
Yeah, Dad. Why do you care
so much what other people think?
Because that's
all that matters!
One's true value
is determined
solely through
the eyes of others.
That's from Genesis.
Their first
album, I think.
(indistinct chatter)
(hooting)
Welcome neighborhood, Shari.
(clicking counter)
Glad not in woods
anymore?
One year in that
fershtunkinah
cabin was enough.
I was going meshugie.
(hooting)
Buckle!
Get rid of that owl!
My migraine!
But that owl was
my best friend for 15 years
in the wilderness.
It's him or me.
Who you gonna pick?
Who? Who?
(hooting)
Stay out
of it!
(soft, whiny hoot)
STAN:
Party's going well.
No Smith family blunders.
That's good.
Mmm, great brisket.
Careful, now.
96% of all party fouls
involve food or drink.
Don't spill it,
don't choke on it.
How are you?!
You're doing great, kiddo.
I love you so much.
Dad, I'm sweating like
a pig in this thing.
It's humiliating.
Not to me.
And show some respect--
your grandmother drowned
in that bathing suit.
How family?
(clicking)
No embarrassed?
(clicking)
So far, so good.
ROGER:
Hello, y'all!
I'm Stan Smith's brother,
Appleby McFridays.
Do I smell kreplach?
(quietly):
Oh, no-- Roger!
I helped Buckle with
his conversion to Judaism.
That was one
stubborn foreskin.
Hey, Rabbi, I got
a joke for you.
Two priests are hitting
on an altar boy...
Uh, hello, guy who
mistakenly believes
he's my brother.
If-if you want to
hear a joke, Rabbi,
I got a nice,
clean one.
Um, uh, okay, what are the
three rings of marriage?
The first one's
the engagement ring,
the second one's
the wedding ring,
and the third one...
the suffer-ring.
(laughter)
Stan, that's
not a good joke,
'cause it's not racist.
Okay, here's one.
So, this lazy Mexican
walks into an even
lazier black guy's bar...
Hey, uh, everyone, who wants to
see me cannonball into the pool?
(excited shouts, cheers)
A mag turninhis body into
an old instrument of war?
I'm in!
(cheering in distance)
I am constantly
doing damage control
for this family.
ALL (chanting):
Cannonball! Cannonball!
Cannonball!
(stomach grumbling)
Oh, dear, that brisket
was too greasy.
Now I got to poop.
Cannonball! Cannonball!
Cannonball!
Cannonball!
Cannonball!
Cannonball! Cannonball!
(cheers turn
to distorted groaning)
(distorted groaning continues)
(underwater speakers
playing classical music)
(bubbling)
(distorted, echoing):
No...!
♪ ♪
(crowd gasps)
No way!
Oh, my God!
♪ ♪
(muffled grunting)
(gasping breath)
(laughter)
(laughter continues)
(owl hooting loudly)
MAN:
Great cannonball, bro.
He did that
in the neighbor's pool?
That's disgusting!
People have to swim
in that water.
I'm probably gonna get
some kind of gross rash.
I was in the pool
when he did it.
I was at ground zero.
Hayley, it's not okay
to use that term.
I was actually
at ground zero.
I was the first one on the scene
selling erotic T-shirts:
"Osama bin Sexy,"
"Sexy bin Laden,"
and "Yo Mama Bin Fartin."
That last one was
not erotic to everybody.
Your poor father.
He didn't even
come home last night.
(gasps)
Stan!
Have you been
in there all night?
Yes! And I'm
never coming out!
And you were worried
about me embarrassing you?
Stop it, Steve.
Stan, none of us think any
less of you for what you did.
I don't care what
any of you guys think.
What does that matter?
My reputation's ruined!
Soiled, like these
cheap swim trunks
and the several places
I sat down when
I first came home.
Sweetheart,
nobody knows.
Just a few neighbors
at the party.
You're blowing this whole
thing out of proportion.
(sighs)
Okay, okay.
M-Maybe you're right.
Oh, no, oh, no, no, Frank,
no, you can stay in there.
Hi, Frank.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(Stan sobbing loudly)
(continues sobbing)
(wailing, sobbing)
Stan, what
happened?
It was so embarrassing!
The whole town's
laughing at me!
And on all days!
Bullock just appointed me
the head of the new Tactical
Urban Response Division!
(gasps)
(sobbing loudly)
Francine.
Francine,
wake up.
I'm too tired.
Do whatever you want,
just don't get it in my hair.
Wake the kids and
get them in the car.
You have 90 seconds.
(tires squeal)
Stan, it's 3:00
in the morning.
Where are we going?
I can no longer
live in this town.
(loud explosion)
(others yell)
The Smiths are dead.
There's no
turning back.
Oh, my God!
(screaming)
It's Frank!
I see him,
I see him.
(thump)
STAN:
Rest in peace, Frank.
You're living under
God's sink now.
Stan we've been driving all night.
Do you even have a plan?
Yes. To get as far away
from my shame as possible.
Can't we just go home.
Yeah. If we can go back in time.
Can you do that, Hayley?
Have you smoked that much weed?
Well if you see me back there
tell me don't jump in the pool.
Don't jump in the pool!
Roger, what happened?
Well, I guess sometimes a hole in
men's room Stall
is a just a hole in a men's room stall.
(on tv) The world needs to know
America is ready to step up
and lead again.
So inspiring.
Hey, you guys are truckers.
Wanna hear a horribly racist joke?
Hey! Where I come from
we don't judge a man
by the color of his skin,
or his religion,
or even the mistakes of his past.
Excuse me friend.
Where are you from exactly?
A small town in Indiana called Mercyville.
It's not fancy mind you.
You know we don't have
any swimming pools.
And uh, no one ever recounts
any swimming pool related stories.
But what we lack in places
to swim, we make up for in understanding.
That sounds like a perfect place
for us to live.
Well not much of a gay
scene out back either.
What a quaint town.
A malt shop, an old-fashioned barber,
a bakery.
Yeah, yeah we get it.
A little slice of heaven.
Let's just hope it has what every
other small town
in America has:
cheap and plentiful
methamphetamines.
Hardware store has
a "Help Wanted" sign.
I think I will
inquire within.
You know, gang, this
could really be a chance
for us to reinvent
ourselves.
Oh, yes, I'm sure life will be
very different for me here.
Close enough shave
for you so far?
So far. And thanks for talking
me out of that neck beard.
I got to say,
I love your little town.
I think my family's gonna
be happy here for generations.
Do I know you?
No, I don't think so.
Wait. Are you
from Langley Falls?
Never heard of the place.
Are you sure?
Because my brother lives
in Langley Falls.
He sent me a newspaper
clipping, and...
I swear, it had a photo of you.
You did something.
Hey, uh, you guys want to hear
a good racist joke?
I can't remember
what it was.
Eh, I threw away
the clipping.
But it'll come to me.
It always does.
(crickets chirping)
For the life of me,
Chairman Meow,
I can't remember
what it was that guy did.
(birds chirping)
(groans)
What was it?
It was something embarrassing...
(munching)
That's it!
He did a cannonball
into the pool,
and then he took a giant...
(gasps)
You had to remember.
Come on.
You're really gonna kill me
just 'cause I know your secret?
So, this place isn't
going to work out.
(tires squealing)
(foghorn blowing)
(car horns honking)
This is perfect.
We're living above a fish market
in Little Romania.
Nobody here has any connection
to Langley Falls.
Wish we weren't
sharing the apartment
with 14 members of
the Bombescu family.
(groans)
13.
(crying)
Back to 14.
Circle of life,
beautiful thing.
See? We're safe here.
We've outrun my shame
for good.
He wants me
to play with him.
(laughing)
Somebody was videotaping?
(laughter)
Oh, my God!
Stan Smith just made a BM!
You can't hit me.
I'm a new mother.
(tires squealing)
We have to move somewhere
they don't have the Internet.
(tribal chanting)
(both laughing)
(laughter)
♪ ♪
(tribesmen laughing)
(man speaking Spanish
over P.A. system)
Wait. Where's
your ticket?
I've realized
I can't outrun this thing.
I'm sending you back without me
so you can lead normal lives.
What? We don't
want to go back
without you.
Trust me. This will
be better for all of us.
Guess that makes me
the man of the house.
There's gonna
be some changes.
Steve, kiss me
on the mouth.
But what will you do?
Oh, don't worry.
I'll be fine.
I'm gonna have a drink
at the airport bar.
Then I'm going
to blow my brains out.
Don't tell the kids.
Stan, the kids
know you drink.
(sighs) Yeah, I'm, uh...
I'm not gonna miss that.
NEWSCASTER (with British
accent): President Obama visited
the U.N. today where he received
a five-hour standing ovation.
That Obama sure
has changed things.
What do you mean?
Well, the United States
was the laughingstock
of the world until
Obama came along.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
I mean, the
United States
has done some pretty
shameful things.
Just this 20-gauge and, uh,
one of these Toblerones.
But then Obama
comes along,
and he makes
it all better.
Uh, you may want
to stand back.
Brain matter?
I mean, if Obama can
make America look good
after all the embarrassing
crap it's pulled,
then he can make
anything look good.
My God.
That's it!
Anyway, as you know,
Lima has a booming industry
of blind male prostitutes,
of which I am widely known
as the second-most disease-free.
Señor?
(sighs and mumbles)
(gun fires)
(yells)
(panting): We can
be together again.
I've got a plan.
Does that plan include
explaining
why a footless blind man
is giving an expert bajowski
to our baggage handler?
Admire the skills!
No, listen, I'm a
laughingstock, right?
Well, there's one
man who's so beloved
that if he did what I did,
he'd actually make it cool.
What are you talking about?
It's simple. We've just got to
get President Obama
to make a boom-boom in a pool!
I don't know.
Obama may be black,
but I bet
he keeps his butt clenched
like he's white.
Huh. That's, that's from
my stand-up routine.
Check it out.
You ever notice
when a black man
poops in the pool,
he's, like,
"Yo, check it!"
But then, when
a white guy poops
in a pool, he's, all,
"Oh, my, I'm defecating
in the swimming
receptacle."
Stan, we'll never even
get close to Obama.
This plan is crazy.
Look, if we can just get
Obama to do what I did,
then no one can
tease me anymore.
Then we can move
back home together.
White Mission
Control be, all,
"Uh, we are clear
to initiate
landing sequence
for Space Shuttle
Atlantis."
But Black Mission
Control be, all,
"Get out
of the way!
Here comes
the shuuutttle!"
(pushing
stewardess button)
This roach coach will serve
as our base of operations
as we carry out
Operation Pinch a Loaf.
I need two breakfast burritos
and a side of refried beans.
Two BBs and a side
of fart paste coming up.
The plan is simple.
We'll renovate
a rundown community pool.
Then we'll have
a grand opening ceremony,
convince Obama
to swim the inaugural lap,
and then get him
to drop a presidential deuce.
How are we going
to get to Obama?
First step-- one of us
is going to make friends
with his two
adorable daughters.
But they go to one
of the most exclusive
private schools in D.C.
How are we even
going to get close?
We're a
lesbian couple.
We adopted our daughter
from an orphanage in Somalia.
My name is Winfrey.
Full scholarship.
Hi. The name's
Winfrey.
I like Jo' Bros,
Mi Psy, Gaga,
Kay Pay, FiFi, Schwi Schwi
and the Flack Eye Fleas.
Yeah, we
fray frays now.
We best fray frays.
Let's have a play date--
your house.
Madam First Lady,
we are so honored to be here
as lesbians of no color.
Well, your daughter
is just darling.
Barack and I are so pleased
the girls and Winfrey
have hit it off.
Okay, according
to the map,
this is where Amy Carter buried
all of her (bleep).
So it would really mean
a lot to the community
if the president would come
and take the inaugural lap.
I will make sure he's there.
No fair.
Everybody has a role in
this plan except for me.
I could live to be a hundred
and never figure out
how to fold a burrito.
Okay, let me
ask you this.
You can lead a
president to water,
but how will you
make him Smith in it?
(toilet flushing)
Klaus, I'd like you
to meet Dr. Olestra Montezuma,
Mexico's leading authority
on Quantum Fecal Theory.
Dr. Montezuma is developing
a fast-acting laxative
for our operation.
He was the mastermind
behind Tijuana.
I've never been, but I've
heard terrible things.
Congratulations,
Doctor.
Let's get started.
First, I will show you
some samples.
Manuel, bring in the jars.
I need more
time, jefe.
Well, bring whatever you have.
It will just be a minute.
Is everybody in position?
Check.
Yeah.
Ready, Dad.
Inserting laxative
into hot dog A.
Inserting hot dog B
into my A.
(cheering)
Here comes the limo!
(cheering)
STAN:
Roger, go, go!
(cheering)
Hello, Mr.
President.
I made a hot dog
just for you.
Oh, aren't you cute.
But I don't eat
before I swim.
Francine, initiate backup plan!
Repeat, put on the laxative
glove and shake Obama's hand.
He'll absorb it
through his skin.
(cheering)
Mr. President, we are so
thrilled that you're here.
No!
(cheering)
All right, let's swim.
That's it.
The operation's a failure.
Good-bye, family.
You will never see
or hear from me again.
(cheering)
We've got to
do something.
I'm on it.
(grunts)
(in slow motion):
Fish!
(gasping)
Klaus!
Klaus!
Klaus!
No! My plan!
Now hang on.
This man looks
familiar to me.
Ha! It is!
Now, this man's poopy exploits
have brought me many hours
of online joy.
Now, what exactly
were you trying to
accomplish here,
Mr. Funny
Poopy Man?
Mr. President,
I'm sorry.
I just thought
if you fudged in the pool,
maybe people would stop
laughing at me.
Oh, man, you can't
worry about what other
people think of you.
Do you know how mad
the black community gets at me
because I don't smoke menthols?
But it doesn't affect me,
because I don't let it.
But sir,
I'm a laughingstock.
Look, Poopy Man,
if you refuse to care
what people think,
then their laughter
cannot hurt you.
Just ignore them.
Oh, terrific.
It looks like Michelle
is gonna delight us
with one of her
famous cannonballs.
(chanting):
Cannon...
ball!
Cannon... ball!
CROWD:
Cannonball! Cannonball!
Cannonball!
Cannonball! Cannonball!
Cannonball...!
I haven't jumped yet.
I imagined the whole thing.
Cannonball...!
(stomach gurgling)
Their laughter can't hurt me
if I don't let it.
Extended Fantasy-Sequence Obama
made me realize that.
Cannonball!
(sighs)
Cannonball!
(uproarious, mocking laughter)
(door slams, laughter mutes)
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
American Dad 5x17
An Incident at Owl Creek
Original Air Date on May 9, 2010
Hey, Shari and Buckle
are moving into the
neighborhood,
and they've invited
us to a pool party.
Wait, next weekend.
Does that give
us enough time?
Oh, no, Stan!
Does this mean
we have to do
another one of your...
"Are we good enough
to be seen in public"
Smith family fashion shows?
Yes, it does.
(muted techno-pop music playing)
(techno-pop music continues)
(turns volume down)
First up,
Hayley Smith
in what appears to be
the "White Trash Going Crazy
at Lake Havasu" collection.
STAN:
Stop! Stop!
You are not wearing
that to Buckle and
Shari's pool party.
You look like you should
be holding up round cards
at a dog fight in Fresno!
Steve, you've known about
this party for a week,
and you haven't
bulked up!
You didn't make a dent
in that Russian protein
powder I gave you.
Uh, I don't think
it's for people, Dad.
Get out of my sight.
You made me feel like
a fool for building
a professional-grade
runway in my living room.
You, my darling,
look perfect.
Thank you.
But you run your mouth
at these things.
I'm giving you a
hundred-word limit.
Here, I got you
this counter.
Are you serious?
(clicks three times)
You've got 97 left.
Stan, why is it every time
we go out in public together,
you make us pass
your silly inspection.
Yeah, Dad. Why do you care
so much what other people think?
Because that's
all that matters!
One's true value
is determined
solely through
the eyes of others.
That's from Genesis.
Their first
album, I think.
(indistinct chatter)
(hooting)
Welcome neighborhood, Shari.
(clicking counter)
Glad not in woods
anymore?
One year in that
fershtunkinah
cabin was enough.
I was going meshugie.
(hooting)
Buckle!
Get rid of that owl!
My migraine!
But that owl was
my best friend for 15 years
in the wilderness.
It's him or me.
Who you gonna pick?
Who? Who?
(hooting)
Stay out
of it!
(soft, whiny hoot)
STAN:
Party's going well.
No Smith family blunders.
That's good.
Mmm, great brisket.
Careful, now.
96% of all party fouls
involve food or drink.
Don't spill it,
don't choke on it.
How are you?!
You're doing great, kiddo.
I love you so much.
Dad, I'm sweating like
a pig in this thing.
It's humiliating.
Not to me.
And show some respect--
your grandmother drowned
in that bathing suit.
How family?
(clicking)
No embarrassed?
(clicking)
So far, so good.
ROGER:
Hello, y'all!
I'm Stan Smith's brother,
Appleby McFridays.
Do I smell kreplach?
(quietly):
Oh, no-- Roger!
I helped Buckle with
his conversion to Judaism.
That was one
stubborn foreskin.
Hey, Rabbi, I got
a joke for you.
Two priests are hitting
on an altar boy...
Uh, hello, guy who
mistakenly believes
he's my brother.
If-if you want to
hear a joke, Rabbi,
I got a nice,
clean one.
Um, uh, okay, what are the
three rings of marriage?
The first one's
the engagement ring,
the second one's
the wedding ring,
and the third one...
the suffer-ring.
(laughter)
Stan, that's
not a good joke,
'cause it's not racist.
Okay, here's one.
So, this lazy Mexican
walks into an even
lazier black guy's bar...
Hey, uh, everyone, who wants to
see me cannonball into the pool?
(excited shouts, cheers)
A mag turninhis body into
an old instrument of war?
I'm in!
(cheering in distance)
I am constantly
doing damage control
for this family.
ALL (chanting):
Cannonball! Cannonball!
Cannonball!
(stomach grumbling)
Oh, dear, that brisket
was too greasy.
Now I got to poop.
Cannonball! Cannonball!
Cannonball!
Cannonball!
Cannonball!
Cannonball! Cannonball!
(cheers turn
to distorted groaning)
(distorted groaning continues)
(underwater speakers
playing classical music)
(bubbling)
(distorted, echoing):
No...!
♪ ♪
(crowd gasps)
No way!
Oh, my God!
♪ ♪
(muffled grunting)
(gasping breath)
(laughter)
(laughter continues)
(owl hooting loudly)
MAN:
Great cannonball, bro.
He did that
in the neighbor's pool?
That's disgusting!
People have to swim
in that water.
I'm probably gonna get
some kind of gross rash.
I was in the pool
when he did it.
I was at ground zero.
Hayley, it's not okay
to use that term.
I was actually
at ground zero.
I was the first one on the scene
selling erotic T-shirts:
"Osama bin Sexy,"
"Sexy bin Laden,"
and "Yo Mama Bin Fartin."
That last one was
not erotic to everybody.
Your poor father.
He didn't even
come home last night.
(gasps)
Stan!
Have you been
in there all night?
Yes! And I'm
never coming out!
And you were worried
about me embarrassing you?
Stop it, Steve.
Stan, none of us think any
less of you for what you did.
I don't care what
any of you guys think.
What does that matter?
My reputation's ruined!
Soiled, like these
cheap swim trunks
and the several places
I sat down when
I first came home.
Sweetheart,
nobody knows.
Just a few neighbors
at the party.
You're blowing this whole
thing out of proportion.
(sighs)
Okay, okay.
M-Maybe you're right.
Oh, no, oh, no, no, Frank,
no, you can stay in there.
Hi, Frank.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(Stan sobbing loudly)
(continues sobbing)
(wailing, sobbing)
Stan, what
happened?
It was so embarrassing!
The whole town's
laughing at me!
And on all days!
Bullock just appointed me
the head of the new Tactical
Urban Response Division!
(gasps)
(sobbing loudly)
Francine.
Francine,
wake up.
I'm too tired.
Do whatever you want,
just don't get it in my hair.
Wake the kids and
get them in the car.
You have 90 seconds.
(tires squeal)
Stan, it's 3:00
in the morning.
Where are we going?
I can no longer
live in this town.
(loud explosion)
(others yell)
The Smiths are dead.
There's no
turning back.
Oh, my God!
(screaming)
It's Frank!
I see him,
I see him.
(thump)
STAN:
Rest in peace, Frank.
You're living under
God's sink now.
Stan we've been driving all night.
Do you even have a plan?
Yes. To get as far away
from my shame as possible.
Can't we just go home.
Yeah. If we can go back in time.
Can you do that, Hayley?
Have you smoked that much weed?
Well if you see me back there
tell me don't jump in the pool.
Don't jump in the pool!
Roger, what happened?
Well, I guess sometimes a hole in
men's room Stall
is a just a hole in a men's room stall.
(on tv) The world needs to know
America is ready to step up
and lead again.
So inspiring.
Hey, you guys are truckers.
Wanna hear a horribly racist joke?
Hey! Where I come from
we don't judge a man
by the color of his skin,
or his religion,
or even the mistakes of his past.
Excuse me friend.
Where are you from exactly?
A small town in Indiana called Mercyville.
It's not fancy mind you.
You know we don't have
any swimming pools.
And uh, no one ever recounts
any swimming pool related stories.
But what we lack in places
to swim, we make up for in understanding.
That sounds like a perfect place
for us to live.
Well not much of a gay
scene out back either.
What a quaint town.
A malt shop, an old-fashioned barber,
a bakery.
Yeah, yeah we get it.
A little slice of heaven.
Let's just hope it has what every
other small town
in America has:
cheap and plentiful
methamphetamines.
Hardware store has
a "Help Wanted" sign.
I think I will
inquire within.
You know, gang, this
could really be a chance
for us to reinvent
ourselves.
Oh, yes, I'm sure life will be
very different for me here.
Close enough shave
for you so far?
So far. And thanks for talking
me out of that neck beard.
I got to say,
I love your little town.
I think my family's gonna
be happy here for generations.
Do I know you?
No, I don't think so.
Wait. Are you
from Langley Falls?
Never heard of the place.
Are you sure?
Because my brother lives
in Langley Falls.
He sent me a newspaper
clipping, and...
I swear, it had a photo of you.
You did something.
Hey, uh, you guys want to hear
a good racist joke?
I can't remember
what it was.
Eh, I threw away
the clipping.
But it'll come to me.
It always does.
(crickets chirping)
For the life of me,
Chairman Meow,
I can't remember
what it was that guy did.
(birds chirping)
(groans)
What was it?
It was something embarrassing...
(munching)
That's it!
He did a cannonball
into the pool,
and then he took a giant...
(gasps)
You had to remember.
Come on.
You're really gonna kill me
just 'cause I know your secret?
So, this place isn't
going to work out.
(tires squealing)
(foghorn blowing)
(car horns honking)
This is perfect.
We're living above a fish market
in Little Romania.
Nobody here has any connection
to Langley Falls.
Wish we weren't
sharing the apartment
with 14 members of
the Bombescu family.
(groans)
13.
(crying)
Back to 14.
Circle of life,
beautiful thing.
See? We're safe here.
We've outrun my shame
for good.
He wants me
to play with him.
(laughing)
Somebody was videotaping?
(laughter)
Oh, my God!
Stan Smith just made a BM!
You can't hit me.
I'm a new mother.
(tires squealing)
We have to move somewhere
they don't have the Internet.
(tribal chanting)
(both laughing)
(laughter)
♪ ♪
(tribesmen laughing)
(man speaking Spanish
over P.A. system)
Wait. Where's
your ticket?
I've realized
I can't outrun this thing.
I'm sending you back without me
so you can lead normal lives.
What? We don't
want to go back
without you.
Trust me. This will
be better for all of us.
Guess that makes me
the man of the house.
There's gonna
be some changes.
Steve, kiss me
on the mouth.
But what will you do?
Oh, don't worry.
I'll be fine.
I'm gonna have a drink
at the airport bar.
Then I'm going
to blow my brains out.
Don't tell the kids.
Stan, the kids
know you drink.
(sighs) Yeah, I'm, uh...
I'm not gonna miss that.
NEWSCASTER (with British
accent): President Obama visited
the U.N. today where he received
a five-hour standing ovation.
That Obama sure
has changed things.
What do you mean?
Well, the United States
was the laughingstock
of the world until
Obama came along.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
I mean, the
United States
has done some pretty
shameful things.
Just this 20-gauge and, uh,
one of these Toblerones.
But then Obama
comes along,
and he makes
it all better.
Uh, you may want
to stand back.
Brain matter?
I mean, if Obama can
make America look good
after all the embarrassing
crap it's pulled,
then he can make
anything look good.
My God.
That's it!
Anyway, as you know,
Lima has a booming industry
of blind male prostitutes,
of which I am widely known
as the second-most disease-free.
Señor?
(sighs and mumbles)
(gun fires)
(yells)
(panting): We can
be together again.
I've got a plan.
Does that plan include
explaining
why a footless blind man
is giving an expert bajowski
to our baggage handler?
Admire the skills!
No, listen, I'm a
laughingstock, right?
Well, there's one
man who's so beloved
that if he did what I did,
he'd actually make it cool.
What are you talking about?
It's simple. We've just got to
get President Obama
to make a boom-boom in a pool!
I don't know.
Obama may be black,
but I bet
he keeps his butt clenched
like he's white.
Huh. That's, that's from
my stand-up routine.
Check it out.
You ever notice
when a black man
poops in the pool,
he's, like,
"Yo, check it!"
But then, when
a white guy poops
in a pool, he's, all,
"Oh, my, I'm defecating
in the swimming
receptacle."
Stan, we'll never even
get close to Obama.
This plan is crazy.
Look, if we can just get
Obama to do what I did,
then no one can
tease me anymore.
Then we can move
back home together.
White Mission
Control be, all,
"Uh, we are clear
to initiate
landing sequence
for Space Shuttle
Atlantis."
But Black Mission
Control be, all,
"Get out
of the way!
Here comes
the shuuutttle!"
(pushing
stewardess button)
This roach coach will serve
as our base of operations
as we carry out
Operation Pinch a Loaf.
I need two breakfast burritos
and a side of refried beans.
Two BBs and a side
of fart paste coming up.
The plan is simple.
We'll renovate
a rundown community pool.
Then we'll have
a grand opening ceremony,
convince Obama
to swim the inaugural lap,
and then get him
to drop a presidential deuce.
How are we going
to get to Obama?
First step-- one of us
is going to make friends
with his two
adorable daughters.
But they go to one
of the most exclusive
private schools in D.C.
How are we even
going to get close?
We're a
lesbian couple.
We adopted our daughter
from an orphanage in Somalia.
My name is Winfrey.
Full scholarship.
Hi. The name's
Winfrey.
I like Jo' Bros,
Mi Psy, Gaga,
Kay Pay, FiFi, Schwi Schwi
and the Flack Eye Fleas.
Yeah, we
fray frays now.
We best fray frays.
Let's have a play date--
your house.
Madam First Lady,
we are so honored to be here
as lesbians of no color.
Well, your daughter
is just darling.
Barack and I are so pleased
the girls and Winfrey
have hit it off.
Okay, according
to the map,
this is where Amy Carter buried
all of her (bleep).
So it would really mean
a lot to the community
if the president would come
and take the inaugural lap.
I will make sure he's there.
No fair.
Everybody has a role in
this plan except for me.
I could live to be a hundred
and never figure out
how to fold a burrito.
Okay, let me
ask you this.
You can lead a
president to water,
but how will you
make him Smith in it?
(toilet flushing)
Klaus, I'd like you
to meet Dr. Olestra Montezuma,
Mexico's leading authority
on Quantum Fecal Theory.
Dr. Montezuma is developing
a fast-acting laxative
for our operation.
He was the mastermind
behind Tijuana.
I've never been, but I've
heard terrible things.
Congratulations,
Doctor.
Let's get started.
First, I will show you
some samples.
Manuel, bring in the jars.
I need more
time, jefe.
Well, bring whatever you have.
It will just be a minute.
Is everybody in position?
Check.
Yeah.
Ready, Dad.
Inserting laxative
into hot dog A.
Inserting hot dog B
into my A.
(cheering)
Here comes the limo!
(cheering)
STAN:
Roger, go, go!
(cheering)
Hello, Mr.
President.
I made a hot dog
just for you.
Oh, aren't you cute.
But I don't eat
before I swim.
Francine, initiate backup plan!
Repeat, put on the laxative
glove and shake Obama's hand.
He'll absorb it
through his skin.
(cheering)
Mr. President, we are so
thrilled that you're here.
No!
(cheering)
All right, let's swim.
That's it.
The operation's a failure.
Good-bye, family.
You will never see
or hear from me again.
(cheering)
We've got to
do something.
I'm on it.
(grunts)
(in slow motion):
Fish!
(gasping)
Klaus!
Klaus!
Klaus!
No! My plan!
Now hang on.
This man looks
familiar to me.
Ha! It is!
Now, this man's poopy exploits
have brought me many hours
of online joy.
Now, what exactly
were you trying to
accomplish here,
Mr. Funny
Poopy Man?
Mr. President,
I'm sorry.
I just thought
if you fudged in the pool,
maybe people would stop
laughing at me.
Oh, man, you can't
worry about what other
people think of you.
Do you know how mad
the black community gets at me
because I don't smoke menthols?
But it doesn't affect me,
because I don't let it.
But sir,
I'm a laughingstock.
Look, Poopy Man,
if you refuse to care
what people think,
then their laughter
cannot hurt you.
Just ignore them.
Oh, terrific.
It looks like Michelle
is gonna delight us
with one of her
famous cannonballs.
(chanting):
Cannon...
ball!
Cannon... ball!
CROWD:
Cannonball! Cannonball!
Cannonball!
Cannonball! Cannonball!
Cannonball...!
I haven't jumped yet.
I imagined the whole thing.
Cannonball...!
(stomach gurgling)
Their laughter can't hurt me
if I don't let it.
Extended Fantasy-Sequence Obama
made me realize that.
Cannonball!
(sighs)
Cannonball!
(uproarious, mocking laughter)
(door slams, laughter mutes)