American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Moon Over Isla Island - full transcript

Steve, it's a beautiful day.

Why don't you invite your friends over
for a dip in the pool after school?

Great idea, Mom.

Hello, SciFi Channel.

Could you reschedule your Battlestar
Galactica marathon this afternoon?

Of course you can't.

Dip in the pool.
Girl, you must be crazy.

Listen to your mom.

I built that pool so other kids
would want to hang out with you.

See, friendship is only worthwhile
if you get something from the friend.

That thing could be anything:
food, sex, even consensual sex.



Hello?

Stan, you fat-jawed moke.

You said you'd meet me
to get spray tans, and here I am

getting the Mystic Spritz all alone.

And you're the one who really needs it,
you Gwyneth Paltrow-skinned bitch!

Was that today?
Jeez, I plumb forgot.

I am so sorry.

But while I have you, could you
go next door to the post office

and get some of the new commemorative
Nancy Reagan stamps?

The Chanel inaugural gown set,
or the "Just Say No" Adolfo suit set?

- Now what do you think?
- Adolfo?

Yeah, Adolfo.

That's messed up.
Roger really wants to hang out with you

and all you do is use him
to run your little errands.



Hey, Roger uses me every day!

Living here for free,
eating my food.

And you're one to talk,
the way you sponge off me.

I'm your child.

Who...?

My daughter who...?

Are you asking me a question?

I'm leading you...?

I'm leading you
to finish my sentence.

I... I don't know what you...

I'm going to go.

And my favorite part
of my trip to China

was the panda bears.

The end.

Oh my God, you are the best.

Agent Smith, how's that
small island nation you cover?

Isla Island.

As you know, the dictator,
General Juanito Peque�o,

arrives in the US tomorrow.

Has he agreed to sign
the treaty giving us access

to his island's
massive oil reserves?

Not yet, but I'm hoping
to persuade him tomorrow.

We're having an unofficial meeting
at an undisclosed location.

You guys hitting the Fashion Center?

Yes. We ran the Sex and the City quiz
on his MySpace page

and he is definitely a Carrie.
He's a shopper, sir.

What's your strategy
to win him over?

It's been proven that men
with mustaches are more persuasive.

That's preposterous.

- No, it's not.
- If you say so.

Just make sure this treaty signing
happens, Smith.

Not only is there a promotion
in it for you,

but there's also this.

That's right.

You'll enter
the exclusive fraternity

of CIA agents
with their own helicopters.

What do you guys thinking for lunch?

This is Doug in Chopper 2.
I'm thinking paninis.

Roger that.

I want that chopper, sir.

When Da Vinci first conceived of it,

he called it an "aerial screw."

Seems a bit lewd.

Well, Da Vinci was
a well-known sexual deviant.

You know that sketch
of the naked man in the wheel?

Blueprints for a rape machine.

Barry, you're Ursula the sea witch.

Toshi, you're King Trident.
I'm Ariel.

And Snot, in a dual role,

plays both Sebastian and Flounder.

All right, places everyone.

Oh, my God! Snot's drowning!

Mom, no!

Mom! We were playing a game.

And I won.

Finally! Wait, what is
that you're wearing?

Not now, Roger.
I'm late for a meeting at the mall.

But you promised we'd go hiking!

Inconvenient!

Hey, Roger, is your car
out of the shop yet?

Yeah. Why?

Well, see, I really need
to get to the mall

and I have a flat,
so I thought maybe you'd...

Help you 'cause you say we're going to
hang out but then you just blow me off?

- No, thanks.
- No, no. I just thought...

Maybe we could go pants shopping.

You're the only person who knows
what pants look good on me.

You understand
the contours of my body.

I thought we were going hiking.

These balloons represent
Steve's mom's boobs.

My face represents my face.

What is this?!

Tell me you weren't just talking
about getting boob off my mother!

Okay, I wasn't.

But I was.

There's obviously only
one way to settle this.

I'm going to get accidental
boob off your mother.

And something tells me you're going
to need a little help from Chad again.

Jeff, will you please stop
calling yourself Chad?

Chad died, okay?

And yes, I would've loved to have
had help from Chad. Everyone would.

He was the best.

You're meeting me at the J.Crew
in 20 minutes, right?

20 minutes, I promise.

Well, I must say, Smith,
you are great at picking out pants.

What do I do with your
"Rhythm Nation" outfit?

Just put it in the bag.

So, General, about this treaty.

Excuse me.

So, General, about this treaty,
are we going to get it signed or what?

I welcome a union
between our two countries.

Great! We'll sign it
in front of the world press

on Isla Island in one week.

And then I'll come visit you
in my new helicopter.

I am sorry. That is from college.

My frat had a pimps-and-hoes mixer.
You ever had any malt liquor?

It is stronger than beer.

Waiting for my buddy so he can
tell me if these look good.

Should be just a few more minutes.

You know, you don't need to stand there.
I'll tell them you helped me.

Thanks. Thank you.

Thanks.

Are we going to fool around?

You should try eating
the whole hot dog in one bite.

I don't know, Stan.

That sounds...

Gay? Dog gobbling? Not a chance.

Come on, further.

General? General?!

He's dead.

You talking about Chad?

I know, he was great.

I've been meeting a lot
of adults that knew him.

I think that's pretty cool.

Hey, Dillweed!

Look at the stupid pants I bought

because you weren't there
to tell me they look stupid!

- Look at them!
- I can't deal with this now.

This is like the millionth time
you've used me and I've had it!

I am never doing anything
for you again, so...

What's this?

You rascal.

I hate to say it because I hate you,

but you really do know
what looks good on me.

It fits you perfectly.

Here, put this on.

Yeah, it brings
the whole thing together.

Sir, we're a go next week
for the treaty signing on Isla Island.

Well done, Smith.

When you return, we'll have
your chopper waiting.

I know I've kind of
taken advantage of you lately,

but to make it up to you,
I'm taking us on a

friends vacation.

A "friends vacation"!

Let me just call
and get out of work.

Tracy, I need you to cover
my chair this week.

Well, get Susan
to blow out her hair.

Well, what about...?
Forget it. I quit!

Great, now I have to get
another imaginary job.

This is so exciting.

You know what could be fun?

We adopt new personas.
Here, put these back on.

Your persona is "El Generalissimo."
Let's hear your Spanish accent.

That's from Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

That's great. That's great.
Now, stay in that accent.

Do not drop that persona
no matter what.

And now, I'm going
to pick out your persona.

Robert Redford in Electric Horseman.

- I don't have that outfit with me.
- Yes, you do.

I packed you everything that
Robert Redford ever wore in every movie.

Why do you think you have 11 bags?

This hotel is amazing!

Only the best for my good friend.

Look at the friendly locals.

Stan, put my brooches
in the room safe.

Get up, buddy.
Let's hit the beach.

I mean... Let's take the day to

settle in, maybe watch a movie.

Nope, I'm going to the beach.

Come on. You think this is going
to keep me from leaving?

Movie I've seen probably 250...

I mean,
it's a beautiful day outside.

My God, Steve, what happened?

Diving for a touch pass.
You know, playing sport ball.

You poor boy!

Well, Schmuely's not home.

Snot's real name is Schmuely?

That is just so good to know.

Say, Mrs. Lonstein, I don't suppose
I could trouble you for a drink?

Would you mind pouring it in my mouth?
My arms, you see.

Of course, honey.

I'm so sorry. Let me clean that up.

Bad news. The beach is closed.

What?!

Yeah, apparently, it's mating season
for the diarrhea seals.

It's, it's, it's a mess.

So let's just stay in the room
and enjoy our lunch.

This is awful!

Whoever made this chicken
should have his hands cut off

and have his feet cut off,
then shot and killed.

Generalissimo, maybe you should
ease up on the staff a little.

No. You're paying good money for us
to stay here. It should be perfect.

I mean, look at these dirty floors.
Whoever mops them should be beaten

with a hose, then tied up
with said hose and thrown off the roof.

Sir, it's Stan.

I'm moving the treaty signing
to tomorrow.

Let's make that tonight.

These balloons represent my nads.

My head represents
Snot's mom's head.

Here it comes.

Wait for it.

Hello, Schmuely.

The *** did you just call me?

- You heard me.
- Look, Steve,

getting accidental mom boob
is one thing, but getting accidental

mom-forehead-brushed-on-your-hangsters
is going too far.

I won't stand for it.

Your mom stood for it.

Steve, I now have no choice

but to get your mom to accidentally
handle my nardledangers.

Get ready, pal.

Your mom's going to touch more sack

than a medieval grain merchant
on inventory day.

You done with dinner? Let's sign
the check and get out of here.

Calm down, Stan.
I'm still talking to my new friends,

King Harald of Norway
and his wife, Queen Sonja.

The freeways in Dallas are horrible.
Just take a taxi from the airport.

Take taxis everywhere.
And head straight for Bud's Tex-Mex.

Don't bring your wife.
The bathroom scene there is amazing.

Now you tell me something good.

Yum, dessert!

This...

is...

wonderful!

Best tiramisu I've ever had.

Maybe too much rum.

Okay, dinner's over. Here's the bill.
Just sign it to the room.

I just want to make sure
I didn't accidentally leave a tip.

What is this, Stan?

You used me just like you always do!

We can talk about it
on the plane ride home.

Right now we got
to fake your assassination

and drop the general's body
in your place.

Here, put on these squibs.

I truly thought you wanted to go
on a friends vacation with me.

Actually, what I really wanted
was this.

- An aerial screw?
- Yep.

Now be a trooper, go out on that balcony
and get shot 15 times in the chest.

I'm okay!

- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm staying here

and running this dump,
that's what! Guards!

See that Se�or Smith leaves
my country immediately.

I hope your helicopter was worth it
because it cost us our friendship.

People of Isla,

first order of business
is changing the name of this country.

It's now called Bananarama
and the national anthem is "Venus."

Pedro, hit it.

Now dance.

I said dance! You're all terrible!

Except you, you're good.
Everybody do what he's doing.

How do you do that?

You are my helicopter,
and I swear to God...

Listen to me! Listen to me!

I will never hurt you.

Stan, what are you doing?

Just hugging my chopper.

Breakfast was quiet
without Roger this morning.

Why don't you call him
and apologize?

Apologize? For what?

For giving him power over an island
full of half-naked Hispanic men?

That's his dream and the premise
of three of his screenplays.

Too bad Stan isn't here.

He's the one to talk to about pants.

I'm gonna order a suit online.
I've gotta have all my measurements.

Can you do my

inseam now?

This is a matter
between gentlemen, Mother.

Please, give us the room.

As you wish.

This will not happen, Snot!

Indeed, it will, Steve.

You won't know when it's coming,
but it's coming.

Why aren't you getting up?

I'm waiting for my wrestling rager
to go down.

It's perfectly natural.

My coach told me about them
when I was having brandy at his condo.

Smith, you're just in time.

We've just received
some intel on Isla Island.

Seems General Peque�o's
gone a bit off his nut.

He's making the citizens
paint the entire island.

You know, I thought yellow
would cheer me up, but it didn't.

This color you picked is hideous.

I thought gay people had good taste.

I am not gay, Se�or.

You just make me do gay things.

Fair enough.
Repaint it turquoise.

There's a revolution brewing,
and General Peque�o

will be dead by this time tomorrow.

Dead! Sir, we can't
let them kill him!

Why? We've mined
all of Isla's natural resources.

Who cares what happens to them now?

But that country is our friend.

Maybe we use our friends,
but we don't just abandon them.

Grow up, Smith. This is how
you get the things you want.

You're such a Pollyanna.

I bet you kiss prostitutes.

- I'll help you in a minute, Mom.
- Wait. Where are you going?

Just stay in the car
and keep the doors locked.

And don't touch anything that
looks like a mushy hairy peach.

I thought your mother
would be opening the door.

Well, she didn't.

This has gone too far, hasn't it?

I would say so.

I would,

say so.

You know what the
worst part of this is?

I can feel your heart beating.

I need to see the Generalissimo.

Welcome to Bananarama,
where it's party time

all the time.

Are you guys mad at me?

'Cause not one of you
has given me a deposit check

for our big fun ski weekend
in Tahoe.

And even if you don't ski,
you can gamble, there's great shopping,

you can rent a snowmobile for like,
200 bucks a day! That's nothing!

Hello.

Roger, your people are about
to revolt against you.

If you stay here, you'll die.

Why should I believe you? All you do
is lie to me to get stuff for yourself.

That's not a friend.

I know, and I'm sorry.

From now on, no more using
and no more lies.

Come on. Let's get you out of here

and leave General Peque�o's body
for the rebels to find.

You want me to leave this nation?

I am this nation!

Guards!

Roger, don't do this!

Guards, those men are here
to kill the Generalissimo.

- Stop them!
- The Generalissimo dies tonight.

I've painted my children
for the last time.

Hey, rebels, over here!

General Peque�o's getting away!

The General!

Get him!

The General's dead!

Okay, you were right.
They were gonna kill me.

I can't believe you sacrificed
your helicopter for me.

I sacrificed it for my friend.

So who's gonna be the new general?

I'm sure they'll find
the best man for the job.