American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - In Country... Club - full transcript

(upbeat March plays)

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

¶ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ¶

¶ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶

¶ and he's shining a salute
to the american race ¶

¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶

¶ good morning, usa. ¶

Dad, dad, dad!
Stan, stan!
Dad, dad!

Stan, stan the man!
You'll never
believe it!

I've got something
really big!
You're gonna (bleep).

You're all gonna (bleep).
One at a time.



Stan, the new tv guide came,
and you'll never guess what--

Barbra does celine.

Barbra does celine!
Huh?

Barbra streisand will be singing
the songs of celine dion

In a one-night-only,
live pay-per-view event!

I don't think barbra
has the range

To sing celine's songs.

Shut your mouth,
you stupid bitch.

So, listen, I'm going
to need all your support

To make sure everything
goes smoothly for me.

This could be the best night
of my life,

And I don't want
to have any regrets.

Like when I had the chance
to take ecstasy

At the 2003 tony awards
and didn't.



I should have,
but I was sitting

Next to alan cummings,
and I got scared.

Whatever. Hayley,
you're up.

So, I think
I finally figured out

Why you never want
to talk to me.

Next. Somebody
go next.

Dad, you know how I've
been working really hard

With my a cappella group,
here comes treble?
Hmm.

My music teacher selected me
to sing the national anthem

At the langley falls
veterans day celebration!

That's fantastic!

My boy singing the
greatest song ever written

To the greatest men ever
made: American soldiers.

Steve, serenade me.

(clears throat)

(soulfully):
¶ oh-ho, ho ¶

¶ say, can you ¶

¶ see-hee-hee-hee, hee... ¶

Steven, what the hell?

Did you just watch
the wiz or something?

I'm just putting
some personal flavor on it.

Just sing it like
a normal person.

¶ oh, oh, say-- ¶

Okay, got it--
still sucks.

I thought it was great.

Have you been standing
there the whole time?

That's weird.

I had no idea
you were there.

Anyway, steve,
it's fine,

But not nearly good enough
for the ears of veterans.

Tell you what, I'll take
the next couple days

Off work, and we'll get
that song just right.

Thanks, dad.

I don't want
to mess this up.

No, you really don't.

Now, go upstairs and line
your throat with vaseline.

Makes your voice
come out smoother.

It's an old
elton john trick.

(whistling joyfully)

(bird twittering tune)

(both whistling tune)

(twittering tune)

(gasps and groans)

Annoying!
Both of you.

I love your new pet.

It's not a pet, silly.

It's my meal for
the big night.

(gasps) roger!

You can't kill
this sweet bird.

It's an ortolan, francine--

The ultimate french delicacy.

It so sinfully decadent
that you eat it

Under a napkin
to hide your sin from god.

And I only trust
you to cook it.

(gasps)

I'm honored.

Here's the recipe.

You actually drown
it in amaretto,

Then save its life
using bird cpr,

Then refill the pot
with crème de menthe

And drown it again.

There is something so sweet
about your hair today.

I love it.

Thank you.

¶ by the dawn's
early light... ¶

Stop. Take a break.

I got to shake my head
in disappointment

For five minutes.

So, stan, I tried to order
barbra does celine

On pay-per-view,
but it was locked.

I need the code.

How much is it?
It's priceless,

But to order it,
it's four ninety-nine.

I guess we can add
five more bucks to your tab.

(laughing):
Five dollars?

For barbra does celine?

No!

Oh, no, ridiculous.

No, four hundred
and ninety-nine dollars.

Streisand comes expensive
or she doesn't come at all.

Forget it!

I wouldn't pay that much
to see barbra do celine.

Or would I?

Maybe if I was in the room
with them,

Peeking from behind the curtain,

And they didn't know
I was there.

How would it appear
on my credit card bill?

No, no, stan, focus.

Here's the deal.

You and I both know
I'm going to get

That pay-per-view code
one way or another,

So you might as well
just give it to me now

And avoid happy hour
at shenanigans.

No.
Fine.

Let it begin.

Crab walk!

Should've played ball.

Steve:
¶ the rockets' red glare ¶

No!

I've been in the shower
all night.

Yeah, I don't get it--
I thought people

Were supposed to sing
better in the shower.

I don't know.

Maybe the problem
isn't you.

Maybe... Maybe I'm not
a great vocal coach.

God, could that be?

No, dad, it's me.

I just need
to sing harder.

No, it's more
than that.

There something
missing,

Something empty and soulless
about your performance.

Hmm.

(snaps fingers)
that's it.

See, steve, the national
anthem is about war,

And you'll never
be able to sing it

Until you've
been to war.

Can you expand
on that idea?

Certainly.

Take the song,
"love in a elevator."

The reason
it's so good

Is because steven
tyler actually lived

In an elevator the
summer he wrote it.

But the song's called
"love in an elevator",

Not "live
in an elevator".

Steve, he's a rock star
living in kick-ass elevator.

You don't think
he's getting laid?

Oh, and it's
summertime.

Some of my
nra buddies

Rent this golf
course once a month.

Since you can't
go to a real war,

A reenactment is the
next best thing.

I've always wanted to go
to a civil war reenactment.

It's not a civil
war reenactment.

Those things are
for historians

And people who
hate blacks.

These guys are
hardcore reenactors.

(heavy gunfire)

(explosions and gunfire)

(groans)

Get down!

(explosion)

(screams) where are we?

You in vietnam, bitches!

We're reenacting
the vietnam war?

This chopper will take
you to base camp.

(man imitating whirring
helicopter blades)

Get in!

(continues imitating helicopter)

(gunfire)

(screams)

Platoon, gather round!

The vietcong may be making
their move tonight.

We need a watchman.

Dad.
Steve will do it.

We're counting on
you tonight, steve!

Here, I'll even loan
you my lucky machete.

A permanent marker?

Use it like a knife.

Leave the blade in the sheath
so it doesn't get dull.

Leave the cap on so
it doesn't dry out.
(whispering):

Dad, I don't know if I
can stand watch all night.

You've kept me up for the past
two days practicing singing.

Steve, this is an opportunity
to step up and be a hero.

Then, you'll know
what it takes

To really sing
our national anthem.

Radio me if you
have any problems.

I'll do my best, dad.

I want more
than your best, steve.

For once, I want you
to do fine.

(fading):
¶ by the dawn's early light... ¶

(louder):
¶ what so proudly... ¶

(crickets chirping)

(piercing scream)

(sporadic gunfire,
men screaming)

(sobbing)

(yelling)

Steve, what happened?!

Man, what a letdown.

You'll be killed if you go
into that jungle, man!

Hey, my hand on fire?

What? N-no.

Good, then it's the acid.

This seemed like the perfect
time to do acid.

Dead.

Everyone's dead!

Their spirits are dancing
all around us

Poppin' and lockin', mostly!

Everyone calm down!

I have been in
two war reenactments,

And you men will be safe
if you stick with me.

(screaming)

No!

We gotta get out of here, man.

Let's just go to the snackstop
and get some real cheese, man.

No, we have to save my dad.

I let him down.

Dad, can you hear me?

Steve, it's dark and wet.

There's golf carts.

You have to save...

(man speaking
fake vietnamese)

Sounds like he's in a
holding cell at nangangbang.

The caddy shack.

Then that's where
we're headed.

Woman:
Excuse me!

Do you know where the
horizon room is?

We don't know; we're
from baltimore.

Thank you.

Marty! It's this way!

The man told me
it's this way!

You're going
the wrong way!

Man: I heard you
the first time!

(speaking vietnamese)

(speaking vietnamese)

Roger, let me go.

(door creaking)

You give me code now! Now!

Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!

Codey now, now!

Now, now, now!

(mimics three stooges):
Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!

Eh, wise guy, huh?

Roger, stop!

I'm never going to give you
that pay-per-view code.

We see...

This is michael patrick king's

First draft of the
sex and the city movie.

It's 700 pages.

(clears throat)

"you guys know that young
firefighter I did last night?

"well, his hose spattered all
over my european mosaic floor

"and I slipped in it.

"but it's okay, girls,

"because I landed
square on the rabbit

"and found out, what's up, doc?

"carrie vo:

"samantha's story
made me wonder:

"if I slipped, would big
be there to catch me?"

(screaming)

Steve:
It was just
the three of us now.

We were headed up fanangong
river towards gobbley goo bay.

But to get there, we'd have
to go through the 13th fairway.

Freshly fertilized,
we were in the poo.

Soldier:
Pine cones are grenades!

(screaming)

Crap.

Boom!
(yelling, groaning)

My legs!

It blew off my damn legs!

You can make it, buckle!

No, I's done.

Take me out.

I-I can't!

Take the shot!

Not the face!

Oh, my god, that hurt!

Ow! Ow!

Oh, no, it still hurts!

What were we doing here?

Was it worth it
just to become better singers?

The only thing
that made sense anymore

Was my mission: Save dad.

¶ ¶

And I was alone.

In hell.

Damn it!
Stan gave me a fake code!

Well, good thing
I still have him tied up.

And you know I still have
my funny hat and shirt.

I know the code.

You will give it to me!

I will, for the bird.

I want it set free.

Fine!

(bird chirping)

You got what you want.

Now give me that code.

4812.

4812?!

Wait, he used my pant size?

Ugh, I'm disgusting.

Sorry, hayley, roger tricked me.

He said he was gonna
dress me up as. Mr. Wendal

From the
arrested development song.

Give me the
real bird, roger.

Where is it?

¶ ¶

¶ ¶
(bird chirping)

(francine singing,
bird chirping)

Don't!

¶ ¶

(hissing)

(yelling)

(yelling, groaning)

(both coughing)

(yelling)

Your chin is right
on my hipbone, kevin.

Please, give me some rice.

I'll do anything.

I'll make you feel good.

Steve, you did it!

You saved me.

I'm so proud of you!

(mimics whirring
helicopter blades)

(melancholic tune plays)

(cell phone ringing)

(whispering):
I'll call you back.

You should have seen him.

My boy, the war hero.

Steve's gonna sing
the crap out of that

National anthem now,
aren't you, steve?

Did you have fun at the
reenactment, honey?

That's right, real war heroes
don't need to talk about it.

The same way I don't
talk about all the "tang"

I got in college,
out of respect for my wife.

Tons.

Now, folks, we have
a very special

Young man here tonight
who has the voice an angel.

Let's hope
it's not the hell's angels!

(laughter, cymbal clashes)

Please welcome,

To sing our national anthem,
steve smith!

(applause)

(clears throat)

¶ oh, say... ¶

(fireworks popping)

Fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh,
fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh.

Fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh, fuh-fuh,
fuh-uh.

No, you didn't!
Yes, I did!

You're totally,
dead, bob.

It's just us.
Just let me keep playing.

(rockets whistling)
vietcong! Vietcong!

(screaming)

Cong!

(imitates rapid gunfire)

(imitates
gunfire)

(fireworks pop and squeal)

Say, can you see?

I-I can't see 'em.

They're in the trees.

Steve, snap
out of it.

Mr. Smith, can I speak
to you in the hallway?

Your son appears to
be suffering from ptsd,

Posttraumatic
stress disorder.

But doctor, that's impossible.

He was only in a reenactment.

Oh.

Then it must be ptwrsd,

Posttraumatic
war reenactment stress disorder.

Is that a thing?

I've never
heard of it.

I'd like keep him
here for treatment.

He could be a danger
to himself or others.

Nonsense!

Steve?!

Where'd he go?

When I was out there,

All I wanted to do
was come home.

But now that I'm home,

All I can think about
is getting back there.

The golf course.

Things made more sense
out there.

Here sometimes
someone claims they're a friend,

But they're really
just an acquaintance.

And then, some friends
are really enemies.

I came up
with the word "frenemy."

John,

How did you open the curtain?

Tell me how you
opened the curtain.

John!

(grunts)

...Will be right back.

Hey, there.

The war reenactment
was yesterday.

It's over.

For you, maybe.

Where're you headed?

Just gonna get a grilled
cheese at the snack stop.

I had a friend that
wanted one once.

But he's gone now.

To tucson.

On business.

Won't be back till Wednesday.

I know a place down the road
with a great grilled cheese.

Come on, I'll drive you.

No, thanks.

(golf cart chirps)

I'm not looking for trouble.

Get off the fairway, you turd!

This is the thanks I get.

A hero's welcome.

(gunfire)

(explosion)

We were kids, man.

Buckle couldn't
find his legs.

We were gonna go cruising
when we got home.

We were gonna go cruising
in his solara, man.

Roger:
¶ getting ready
for the best night ¶

¶ the best night
of my life ¶

¶ everything's gonna
be just right ¶

¶ putting on a robe that's warm
but light-- squirt, squirt ¶

¶ best, best, glug, glug,
best, best ¶

¶ get ready,
my tummy is your nest ¶

¶ 'cause I'm stepping
in the best ¶

Ah! Best.

(applause on tv)

Thank you so much.

Shut up.

(applause stops)

You know, celine dion is
in the audience tonight.

(applause)

She's fabulous.

But I'm better. Here we go.

¶ you were my strength
when I was weak ¶

¶ you were my voice
when I couldn't speak ¶

(gong sounds)

¶ you were my... ¶

(sustained note,
distorted into howl)

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

Streisand:
Thank you. Good night!

So, how'd the big night
turn out?

It was...

There's no word
to describe it.

Schmooblydong?

That's not it,
but it's close.

Let-let me try and put it
in terms you can understand.

Imagine being high
at a rusted root concert

While two dudes take you on
in a sun-baked porta-john.

Wow.

That actually does
sound really good.

Yeah. I'd like that, too.

You're the
boy's father?

Listen, guy, no one can get in
or out of here

Because of that crazy kid,
and we need carts.

That boy is a remorseless
reenactment machine.

I know. I made him.

And I'm the only one
who can get him out.

Stinkfinger, this is
colonel muffdog.

Do you copy? Over.

(static, chirp)

Do you copy?
(static)

Steve:
This is stinkfinger, sir.

They're all dead.

I'm the last one.

Your mission is complete.

Return to base.

I can't do that, sir.

I'm not good enough yet.

Good enough at what, soldier?

I can do better.

That's why I came here.

It's the only place
you were ever proud of me, sir.

It wasn't the war.

I'm going in.

Stay back!

Easy, stinkfinger. Easy.

It wasn't the war
that made you this way.

Wh-what do you mean?

Oh, steve, it was me!

I pushed you too hard,
put too much pressure on you.

But I only did it
because I love you

And want you to succeed!

But you don't need
to be pushed,

'cause you're doing great
on your own.

(crying)

I did to you
what america did to vietnam.

I tried to control you.

But no longer.

I'm pulling out of you, steve.

I'm pulling out.

I'm sorry if I hurt you, son.

(fireworks pop)

The celebration's
still going on.

You know, you
could still sing.

Am I good enough now?

You were always
good enough, steve.

I don't know where this low
self-esteem is coming from,

But you need to start
believing in yourself.

So go out there and sing.

And any way you do it,
I'm gonna love it.

¶ oh, say ¶

¶ can you see,
by the dawn's early light? ¶

¶ girl, I'm gonna rock you
in freedom town tonight ¶

That's my...
Neighbor son.

¶ you know
you never felt so good ¶

¶ no, you never
felt so right ¶

¶ ooh, rockets bursting
in the air! ¶