American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Home Adrone - full transcript

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

# The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #

# And he's shining a salute
to the American race #

# Oh, boy, it's swell to say #

# Good morning, U.S.A. #
[Grunts]

[Chorus]
# Good morning, U.S.A. ##

Our little girl's going to look
at a four-year college.

Isn't this exciting, Stan?

My little girl's growing up. Look at her.

- Oh, Daddy.
- Not you. Caitlin.



Okay, I'm all "weady"
for my first "airpwane" ride.

The costume was my idea.

With Roger dressed as little Caitlin here,
we can all pre-board.

My middle name is Miracle, 'cause I
was born attached to a dead twin...

who had a second butt
where his mouth was supposed to be.

That- That is messed up.

There he is, the man of the house.

All set for your first weekend home alone?

You really think he's ready, Stan?

Of course he is. He's never given
us any reason not to trust him.

There was that one time
I thought he got into my Playboys...

but it turned out
I'd just been sleep-turbating.

Don't worry, Mom. When you get back,
the house will be exactly as you left it.

Speaking of which,
I did my final walk-through.



There's a scuff
on the baseboard in the hallway...

and a ding on the refrigerator door.

Just initial here...

and here.

- And a full signature here.
- [Scribbling]

And then just the date.

It's the seventh.

This is a big weekend for you, kiddo.

As a symbol of our trust,
I'm giving you this honorary key.

It's an exact replica of our house key.

I also want you to have this house key...

which is an exact replica
of the honorary key...

except with the added benefit
of functioning as a house key...

as does the honorary key.

Thanks for trusting me with the house, Dad.

You don't have to worry about a thing.

[Steam Hisses]

Wow. What a blaze.

Thanks to Steve Smith
of Langley Falls...

for sending us a photo of his home.

Next up on Burn a
Scale Model of my House...

this replica of a lovely
mid-century ranch house.

We're gonna burn it.

[Doorbell Rings]

Hey, boys. What's crack-a-lackin'?

Nothin'. Let's do stuff.

Sorry. The family's out of town,
and I'm not supposed to have people over.

Wait. So you have the house all to yourself?
Like overnight?

- Oh, wow!
- [Gasps]

Like I did when I was a baby.

- You gotta let us in.
- No way. My dad trusts me.

Dude, you're only young once.

This is your chance to embrace it.

- But my dad-
- You are not your dad, Steve.

Right now, you're being your mom...

because you have a huge "burgina."

Get in here.

Yeah!

Let's get crazy!

[Whooping]

Ready, go.

- Ahh!
- [Thud]

[Speaking Japanese]

##[Man Singing In Japanese]

##[Continues]

##[Ends]

Whoa. That's my dad's study.
No one's allowed in there.

Not even your dad?
[Gasps]

Remember I told you being stupid
was gonna start gettin' painful?

Toshi, no!

Okay, guys, let's get out of here.

- Hey, what's this?
- Snot, what are you doing?

- Whoa!
- Oh!

- Phone books!
- A flight-simulator game.

Come on, Steve.
We gotta get this puppy in the air.

Puppies can't fly. At least mine couldn't.

Well, l- I guess we could try it.

All right! Steve's on board.

That's aweso- Oh. Oh. Oh.

Everything gives me a rager lately.

And these new jean shorts
are definitely an accomplice.

[Beeping]

[Electrical Squeaking]

[Engines Whirring]

[Steve]
Wow. This game looks so real.

Look. There's an airport.

Let's blow up that plane.

- [Steve] Three, two, one-
- [Beeping]

Wait. We only have two missiles.

We should find something
really cool to blow up...

like an oil refinery or a hospital ship.

Good thinking.

[Pilot On P.A.] Folks, we've got an
unidentified aircraft in the vicinity.

- We've been grounded until further notice.
- [Passengers Groan]

Great. That could take forever.
I'm going to the newsstand.

In the terminal?

Stan, they won't let you.
Once you get off, you can't get back on.

Can't I? You're talking to the guy...

who got off and back on
prescription painkillers four times.

I "dwew" a "wainbow."

You, I'll have a gin and tonic.

Oh, and a small plastic bag
and some industrial solvent.

[Laughs]
Adorable.

But you're just a little girl.
You can't drink or huff.

Oh, my God.

I'm trapped on a plane,
and I can't get a drink.

No! No!
[Yelling]

[Crying]

Ah, every time- stuck behind a crying baby.

Miss, can you control your little girl,
because l...

Oh, you are not telling me
how to raise my child!

You do not tell this woman
how to raise her child.

You do not tell her how to raise me.

- Mm-mmm.
- No, you do not.

You have no idea what this woman has done.

[Tweeting]

Well, my little friend...

at least one of us can fly free.

[Tweeting]

[Boys]
Yay!

Got it!
How many points is a bird worth?

I don't know. But I think we got a bonus.
There's a sorority house.

Wow! Uncensored nudity.
This game must be from Japan.

[Japanese]

[Screams]

Ah, man. We must have used
up all of our boob credits.

Well, let's go kill some more birds
so it'll open back up.

Weird. This looks like our neighborhood.

And that looks like my house.

Yeah. But it's got some fat kid
in the window.

- [Engine Whirring]
- They found us!

We're getting off the island!

This isn't a game.

We're-We're flying a military drone.

Pull up! Pull up!

I'm losing control.

Oh, no! What have I done?

[Chittering]

Sir, the president's been killed.

- [Squirrels Gasp]
- My God.

So, what's our next move...

Mr. President?

There's going to be some
changes around here.

We're so dead.

[Japanese]

Oh, good.
My dad trusted me and I betrayed him.

He's gonna kill us.
How's that boner now, Snot?

Look, Steve, I know a mechanic
who doesn't ask questions.

We can get it fixed up and put back
before anyone notices.

- You think?
- Yeah. This guy's the best.

Last summer, my uncle hit a deer...

and this guy made his car as good as new.

It was a hooker.

My uncle told me to say it was a deer.

But she was okay.

She died.

I'm sorry, sir.
You cannot reboard the aircraft.

What? What are you talking about?

Sir, we told you at least 10 times
before you got off...

no one is allowed to reboard.

Hmm. Doesn't sound familiar.

Now, I recall a conversation
about me going to the newsstand...

for a John Grisham novel.

- You recommended Pelican Brief.
- I recommended staying on the plane.

I recommended The Client.

Someone recommended Pelican Brief.

I said you should get something
by James Patterson.

Oh. Oh, I remember you.

Sir, no one is allowed to reboard.

You don't understand. I'm C. I.A.

I don't think you don't understand.

- [Electrical Crackling]
- [Groaning]

Oh, where's Leslie? I gotta show him this.

Leslie, I got one!
Look at this big man on the floor.

Damn! Hey, you got any more
of that trail mix left?

I told you. Get your own damn trail mix.

Oh. But I gave you a piece of Orbits gum
the other day. You were fine with that.

Orbits gum, Orbits gum, Orbits gum.

Here we go again with the damn Orbits gum.

Take a picture of me with this fool.

[Shutter Clicks]

[Gasping]

Need booze.
[Gasping]

Excuse me, ma'am.
I just wanted to tell you...

that your little girl is adorable.

My little girl?

Oh, thank you!

Yep, she's our angel.

[Chuckles, Vomits]

[Gasping, Vomits]
I'm dying.

Frannie, I want you to take over
my Blimpie's franchise.

[Gasps]
You'll run it right.

[Nervous Laughter]
She loves to pretend.

I think she might have S-K-I-Z-T-O-F...

Double "F"?

I'm trying to spell "schizonophria."

[Boys Grunting]

Here we are.

"No Questions Asked.
" Just like I said. See?

Never seen a vehicle like this before.

- Well, can you fix it?
- Read the sign.

No questions asked.
[Whispering] Not by anyone.

- Oh. But how will we-
- Eh.

Okay.

Um, you will fix the dents...

- if you are willing.
- I am willing.

You will do it right away for $12.

I will do it by Wednesday for $100.

You will do it by Tuesday for $75
and a date with my sister.

- Is she hot?
- [Imitating Buzzer] That's a question.

- You just broke your own rule.
- Did I?

[Gasping]
I need a cocktail. Are we on an airplane?

Oh, my God!
I'm becoming uncomfortably lucid.

- Cut it out, Roger!
- Well, you only have yourself to blame.

If you dress like a child,
you're going to be treated like one.

That's it.
I just need to change my costume.

God! This is ridiculous.

We could have walked to Boston by now.

Try to relax, honey.

Look. SkyMall has
an automatic cat feeder...

and an automatic water bowl...

and an automatic litter box.

I swear,
it has never been easier to be a cat.

And it's never been easier
to be an upper middle-class white man.

- Roger?
- You mean Stan. Stan Smith.

Stan-
[Lowers Voice] Stan Smith.

I'm-I'm having trouble
getting his voice right.

I'm just gonna make him sound
like Sean Connery.

[Imitating Sean Connery] Sweetheart,
I'll have a mangotini, shaken not stirred.

Stirred.
[Regular Voice] Is that how I say it?

[Imitating Sean Connery]
Stirred.

Why are you still here?

If that thing isn't fixed before my
dad gets home, he's gonna kill me.

What? What?

Toshi, I can't understand what you're saying.
I don't know why I call you.

Morning, Son.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I got off, and they
wouldn't let me back on.

But subconsciously, I think I just wanted
to come home and get these painkillers.

[Sighs]
Normal.

Looks like everything's okay here.

I'm proud of you, Son.
My trust was well placed.

I'll be in my study.

[Hyperventilating]

Looks like it's gonna be
a guys weekend for you and me, huh?

I was thinking we'd rent crossbows,
go to the dog park...

- see where the day takes us.
- [Sighs]

Uh, Steve? Could you come in here?

Um, y-yeah, Dad?

When I left, this briefcase was here.

Now it's here.

Do you have any idea
how it could have gotten from here to here?

[Whimpering]

Because cases don't just move
from here to here...

when it was here.

Oh, wait. I did leave it here. Never mind.

[Sighs]

- [Steady Beep]
- Off line?

[Tires Screech]

- It's gone!
- Did someone take your lunch too?

I keep telling the brass,
but they won't listen.

Somebody on this base is taking lunches.

[Sighs]

- You!
- [Screams]

- What did you do?
- I didn't do anything.

- [Grunts]
- [Toilet Flushes]

- You were in my study!
- No, I wasn't!

- [Grunts]
- [Toilet Flushes]

- You took the drone!
- I don't know what you're talking about!

- [Painful Grunt]
- [Toilet Flushes]

- [Shouting] What's your name?
- Steve Smith!

Funny. When you tell the truth,
you don't need to flush.

Your ass has betrayed you.

[Sobs]
Okay, it was me.

I did it.

Clean yourself up.

[Sobbing]

[Pilot On P.A.]
Yeah, good news, folks.

- We've finally been cleared for takeoff.
- Oh, thank God.

- Hey, where's little Caitlin?
- Who?

- Your daughter. Where is she?
- I don't know. Somewhere.

- Why do you care?
- I care about the safety of all our passengers.

I'm the air marshal. Now, where is she?

- Oh. Um, she's in the lavatory.
- Oh. Okay.

What are you talking about? I was just at the lavatories.
There's nobody back there.

So you don't know where Caitlin is.

Of course we do. She's, uh...

Oh, my God. She doesn't know.

- She lost our daughter!
- Roger, cut it out.

- Hey, what's going on here?
- Where is she? Where is my little angel?

Hold me back like Sean Penn in Mystic River.
Is that my daughter in there?

No, no. Hold them back.
Is that my daughter in...

No. Hold them.
Is that my- You are worthless.

I can't believe I trusted you.

[Sobbing]
I know!

You brought a $50 million drone
to a body shop?

Snot vouched for them. I'm sure it's...

Gone!

Everything's gone.

Steve, it's so hard for me
to admit I'm wrong.

What are you talking about?
This is my fault.

I mean when you were little and I told you
there was nothing you could ever do...

to make me stop loving you.

Son, I was wrong.

If the C. I.A. finds out that drone is
gone, I'll get my ass handed to me.

They literally cut off your ass...

and present it to you in front of everyone.

It's actually a very nice ceremony.

[Muffled Cries]

Thank God.

- Tell me who did this.
- Chinese mafia.

I couldn't pay my gambling debts.

I play high-stakes "ball-in-the-cup" thing.

I bet you $500 I can get
the ball in the cup.

Okay.

Damn. I don't have the money right now,
but I can get it.

I just need time. Just give me time!

You have three days.
Now, I need that drone!

They took it. They took everything
that wasn't nailed to the floor...

including my floor-nailing machine...

which nails other things to the floor.

But because it has to be moved
from place to place to do so...

is not itself nailed to the floor.

- Where can I find them?
- Well, I got mine at United Floor Nailing.

- I can-
- No! The Chinese mafia!

They hang out in a warehouse in Chinatown,
Third and Franklin.

- I'm coming with you, Dad.
- Forget it, Steve.

I would only have someone I trust
by my side...

like a nightclub owner.

Anyone in the entertainment industry.

Look, I don't care
if you're all tired and uncomfortable.

We're not going anywhere
until we find that little girl.

Roger, we've been sitting
on this runway for 16 hours.

I'm begging you,
change back into your Caitlin costume.

Not until I find my little angel.

- You are that little angel, dumb-ass.
- Oh.

All right, people, I'm
done screwing around.

There's a human life at
stake- a little girl.

And until she's returned to me safely...

I'm gonna kill a passenger every 60
seconds, starting with this little boy.

[Passengers Gasp]

They found her!

Thank God.

Every day is a gift from now on, son.

Freeze! Let me see your hands.

- Where's the plane you stole?
- Oh, that thing? Yeah, we sold it to Tim.

He's using it for his parade float.
It's the Chinese New Year.

Parade float? Idiots.

That's a $50 million piece
of military hardware.

And I just renewed the parking sticker.

Fifty million bucks? Tim got a great deal.

Ooh! Ooh! Let's kill this guy
and then go get it back.

[Grunts]

I can't believe we all missed him.

Well, actually, not killing people
is kind of my New Year's resolution.

Really? That's your resolution?

You sure there's nothing else
you wanna work on?

[Chattering, Applause]

The drone!

C. I.A. I'm commandeering this float.

- [Grunts]
- [Yells, Groans]

[Whistling]

[Knives Scraping]

[Grunts, Groaning]

[Screams]

[Growls]

[Yells]

[Thinking]
Come on, Stan.

The C.I.A. spent years training you
for this exact situation.

Use that training.

Ooh!

So long, suckers!

- [Scattered Applause]
- [Clicking]

Give it up. You're surrounded.

- [Cell Phone Rings]
- Hello.

[Steve]
Dad, get on the drone.

I know I let you down,
but you gotta trust me.

I hope you know what you're doing.

[Whimpering]

- [All Gasp]
- The prophecy has been fulfilled.

The great dragon awakens!

Oh, with a white guy riding him. Awesome.

Steve, you're gonna get me killed.

I told you, Dad. Trust me.
Look to your left.

[Sobbing]

It was a really nice float, Tim.

[Sniffles]
I thought if I won...

maybe Susan would come back.

[Pilot On P.A.] Well, folks,
we're finally cleared for takeoff.

- [Passengers Cheering]
- [Man] Finally!

[Pilot]
Uh, false alarm.

- [Passengers Groaning]
- [Hayley] Oh, my [Bleeps] God!

So, do you trust me now, Dad?

Steve, it's not easy
to regain someone's trust.

It takes a long time- like building
a house or pleasing a fat woman.

I understand.

But saving me was a good start.

So, Mr. President,
what's your first priority?

Health care? Foreign affairs?

No.

I'm gonna get me whatever's
in that bird feeder across the way.

Bye! Have a beautiful time.

English - US - SDH