American Dad! (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Most Adequate Christmas Ever - full transcript

American Dad !
The Most Adequate Christmas Ever

Synchro: Lgy
Transcript: Raceman

Is everything ready?

Your father should be
home any minute.

I've modeled this year's star
after real crowd-pleaser:

Polaris.

I initially considered
Alpha Centauri,

but then I thought,
who am I,

famed Serbian astronomer
Dolchan Banovich?

Oh, honey, as long as
it stays on top of the tree,

I could give a rat's ass.



I picked up all the Charlie
Brown holiday specials,

from the very first one

to the one from the '80s
where he meets the kid with AIDS.

Klaus you got the train to work!

Yeah, it's in my blood.

My grandfather was
a conductor at Auschwitz.

No, no, he ran the kiddie
train at the zoo.

You know, it's a big town,
there's other stuff there.

Merry merry, everyone!

Wow, greate sweater, Roger.

Thanks, I totally sniped it
from a guy on eBay.

I not only stole the sweater,
I stole his holiday spirit.

And that made my holiday spirit
grow stronger.

Because th-that's how it works,
right? Like Highlander?



There can be only one?

I've, I've had like
eight cups of eggnog.

And this makes 12.

That's your father.
Places everybody.

Good job, guys.
Everything's perfect.

Ho ho ho... No, no, no!
What happened here?!

What do you mean?
The halls are fully decked.

Dad, we've been working
on this all day.

Seriously?

I'd give you an A for effort
this isn't UC Santa cruise**.

- What did we do wrong?
- Where do I start?

Well, for one thing,
the stockings.

They're suppose to be hung with care,

The INXS guy hung himself
with more care.

And the nativity scene.

The Three Wise men
look like tranvestites.

the mannish kind,
not the attractive Asian kind

you're always hoping your friends
will hire for your birthday party.

Stan, you're ruining our Christmas.

No, I'm trying
to save your Christmas.

Now, come on,
let's go get a good tree.

There's nothing wrong
with this tree.

It's 8:3 on Christmas Eve.
No one has any trees left.

God does. We'll just go
to the woods and get one.

Oh, my God,
I can see my heart light.

- Here's a great tree.
- Wrong. Bare spot.

- This one is nice.
- Upsided.

How about this one?

Hayley, do you even know
what a tree is? Keep looking.

I'm bored.

I'm gonna speed up this sweater
and pretend I'm in a dance club.

G-G-Godrest ye merry gentlemen

I'm going to blow your mi-i-i,
oh-oh-oh, ee-ee-ee, ah-ah-ah

Roger, Christmas is no time
to be singing.

Stan, we've been
wandering around for hours.

Klaus' bowl is starting to freeze.

It must be ten below out here.

Fine, if you all hate Christmas so much
you can go wait in the car.

So what are you gonna do,

You'll catch your death out here.

Honey, just because snow
is the same color as our refrigeritor,

doesn't mean you hos it works.

Well, at least I don't think
I know everything about everything.

Come on, you guys.
Hey, where's Steve?

- Steve!
- Over here.

I was peeing on a tree
and it froze mid-stream.

Hayley, go help your brother.

Great Christmas, Stan.

Eh-eh-eh
Last night, a Santa saved my life...

Ok, Steve. One, two...

Thank you.

I don't know why Francine's
mad at me for always being right.

I don't get mad at her
for always being wrong.

Boobs are holding up nicely
for a gal here, I'll say that.

The perfect tree.

I knew it.

And Francine said
I'd died up here.

Wow, you woodland creatures
take freeze tag very seriously.

M-M-Must sing to keep warm.

O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree

Nobody knows as much as me...

That what it would sound like
if I'd fallen much farther.

Perfect tree.

Perfect cut.

Perfect amount
of blood filling lungs.

Wait, no it's too much.

What can I get you?

Peppermint, Sugar plumb,
Boy's and berry Cascad ?

We have any flavour
you can possibly imagine.

- Vanilla.
- Ooh, we're out vanilla.

What's going on? Where am I?

We find people take the news
better with ice cream.

- What news?
- the news that're dead.

- Oh, my God!
- Relax,have vanilla.

See, we initially tell people
we don't have their flavour,

so when we tell them we really do,
it makes them happy.

Ooh, boy.
We're actually out of vanilla.

This has never happened before.

Still dead, though.

This is crazy.
There's no way I'm dead.

I mean, if I'm dead, where's St. Peter?
Where's the Pearly Gates?

Where all the ho's at?

You mean Heaven?
That's up there.

That griffin's taking a load
of saved souls up there right now.

- So that must be...
- Yep, that's Reno.

Kidding. That's Hell.
This is limbo.

I'll be dropping you off
at that park bench up ahead.

In a couple weeks you'll get a letter
telling you whether you'll begoing up...

or going down.

But that's not fair!

I shouldn't be dead! I know it!
I want a second chance!

- What did you say?
- I want a second chance.

The folks down atthe courthouse
are not going to be happy

when they find out theyhave to work Christmas Eve.

Courthouse?

you don't just get
a second chance.

You gotta prove you deserve it
in a trial.

- Wait, a trial?
- Not to worry.

You'll be assigned a lawyer

from the greatest pool
of legal minds in the universe.

Ooh, I misspoke.
Looks like you got Michelle.

Oh, could you not flap over here?

Oh, the papers I pretend
to look at when I'm in court!

She's my lawyer?

Can I pick another lawyer?
Where's Jewish heaven?

So, I've been reviewing your file

and I think we have
a really good case here, Philip.

Stan.
And where are your wings?

Everyone else up here has wings.

Look, I haven't earned
them yet, okay?

But I'm really trying.

You know what time
I got here this morning? 7:30.

Yeah. Anyway, you don't need wings
to be a good lawyer.

Don't worry, babe,
this won't take long.

I'm up against Michelle.

Yeah, I know.
Anyway, I'll see you at home...

Ooh, I like it
when you talk like that.

When I get home,
the things I'm gonna do.

You're not gonna fly right
for a week.

Good luck, pal.
You're gonna need it.

He's gonna be just fine, Scott!

Don't worry, he's just trying
to psyche us out.

He doesn't look so tough.

Actually, up here

you get smaller and cuter
everytime you win a case.

Oh my God, I'm screwed!
Look at him.

He's cuter than a puppy
and a kitten

All rise.

- Oh, God, not him.
- Why? What's wrong?

Counselor.

- Michelle.
- Hi, Daddy.

That's good, right?

Um... Sure.

Okay, let's do this.

It's Christmas Eve and we all want
to get to Jesus' birthday party.

- Those of us who were invited.
- Shut up, Scott!

- Counselor, your opening statement.
- Thank you, Your Honor.

Should Stan Smith get
a second chance?

He certainly thinks he should.

He thinks he knows better
than everybody.

But we will prove his death
was a just and fitting end

to a life long pattern
of arrogance and know-it-all...

...ness.

Does Stan Smith deserve
a second chance?

Not a chance.

We disagree.

That's it? "We disagree"?

Well, I can't say"we agree."
That's how I lost my first ten cases.

The court will now
hear the evidence.

Bring in the Spectral Window
to the Soul.

Exhibit A.

The baby will behere any day now.
Just relax and stay off your feet.

No. We have a big trip planned.

Mr. Smith, I don'tthink you understand.

Okay, okay, I hear you.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Stan.
- I'm sorry, too.

Sorry we went with such an idiot doctor.

We're taking that trip.

Oh, yeah, it's not ripe yet.

You know, I used to spend my summers
working at theFarmer's Market.

Sold novelty license plates.
You got another month, minimum.

I think my waterjust broke!

Nonsense.
You're just having your period.

I'm putting in my ear plugs.

We're running with the zebras
in the morning.

Hey.
Francine, you make coffee?

In my defense,
she hadn't made coffee.

There are hundreds of other examples

of Stan Smith's arrogance.

Thousands, even. Millions?

Perhaps. Billions?

Does anyone here believe
there are billions of other examples?

I do.

Well, there you have it.
The prosecution rests.

Counselor?

Time to give 'em
the ol' razzle dazzle!

Your Honor, the prosecution could spend all day

showing instances of
my client's moral short comings,

while I can provide only
one example of his humility.

But this example is
so over whelming

in its display of his generosity,

humanity and willingness to learn
from the wisdom of others

that you will forget everything
you think you know

about Stan Smith!

Let's watch!

Spare some change?

You don't have to give him change,
but at least acknowledge him.

Okay.

- You're blocking the sidewalk, wino.
- That's not whatI'm talking about.

He's a person.
Doesn't the Bible say,

"Look upon the corn and the wheat,
for even the chaff have their place"?

Wow. You're right, Steve.
I'm humbled by you.

Sorry I called you a wino, Chaff.

- What brings youto this low place?
- I'm too sick to work.

Say no more.

Kidney transplants are
a dangerous procedure.

Are you sure you want
to go through with this, Mr. Smith?

After all,he's just a bum.

That's what I used to think,
until my son taught me different.

You ready, Chris?

Stan Smith, you're an angel.

That's my dad.

I guess you could say

this father realized
he didn't know best.

Clearly this man,this good man,

deserves a second chance.

Well, in light of
that compelling evidence,

I have no choice but
to grant Stan Smith...

Excuse me, Your Honor?

Could we just roll
the rest of that clip?

Stan Smith...
you're an angel.

That's my dad.

- What?! What's wrong?!
- Oh, God, I had the worst nightmare!

I took advice from Steve!

Why would I give my kidney
to a bum?

Stay out of my dreams!

I am really bad at what I do.

I only became a lawyer

so my dad would love me,
but he doesn't.

And I think he takes it out
on my clients.

But don't you dare
feel sorry for me.

There's no way
I'm getting a second chance.

How's my family
ever gonna get by without me?

If it makes you feel any better
they're gonna be dead in 20 minutes.

You left them
in the middle of a snowstorm.

- They're about to freeze to death.
- But... they're in a car.

They can just turn on the heater.

Yeah. You took the keys.

Don't you love this cold?
It reminds me of my planet!

Jingles in the bells...

Jing, jingle,jingle bell, bell
Jing, jingle, jingle.

Hey, how come everybody's dying?

Oh, no! I'vegotta do something.

Let me handle this.
You don't knowwhat you're doing.

I know more than you!
What kind a lawyer are you?

Sir, I am a lady lawyer.

Your Honor,
my family's in terrible danger.

You have to give me
a second chance.

Sorry, second chance denied!

Yes!

Gotcha, you arrogant,
prideful son of a bitch.

Me! This guy! Scott LaRose!

I'm the best!

No! Wait.

Your Honor, there's one more
piece of evidence you haven't looked at.

Everybody on the ground, now!

Earthly guns have no power here.

I'm sorry,
I just wanna save my family.

I'm begging you.
Everybody on the ground, now!

He's got a Heaven gun!

-Those can kill anybody!
- Why do we have those again?

What are you doing?
There's no way out of this.

Yes, there is.
I'm gonna get my second chance.

- We're going over your head.
- We ?!

You're taking me to God.

Seriously, why do we have
Heaven guns?

I don't mean to be "that guy"
I'm happy here

but why is this not an issue?

Outta my way!
Now where's God?

And don't say"everywhere"
or I swear I'll...

I don't know!

Probably in Heaven at
JC's birthday party.

- Then that's wherewe're going.
- I can't get you in there.

- I wasn't evenon the E-vite.
- This is our E-vite.

I just clicked "Yes Plus One."

We gotta figure out a way
to get on that griffin.

- Who are they?
- The archangels!

Heavenly enforcers that carry
flaming swords of vengeance.

And pamphlets on
how to talk to your kids

about how abstinence
can be cool.

Damn it! There's gotta be
another way out of this place.

Which one's yours?

A chariot on my salary? Please.

There's a tub of chili in my fridge
I stole from the office potluck.

I've been eating it for a year.

- I don't live well.
- Come on!

Drive!

Wow, who would've thought
Heaven would be so beautiful?

Yeah, it's great
if you have your wings.

- Otherwise,you're a nobody.
- Hey, you're not a nobody.

You're an expendable pawn
in my quest to save my family.

You hold on to that.

Look, I'm not gonnabe any help to you.

I only met God once and
He thinks I'm an idiot.

We were at this bar
and I was really drunk

and we got into this argument
about abortion

- and I tried to kiss Him and...
- Quiet.

We've got company.

Heaven gun, it's time
for you to preach to the choir.

Halo... and good-bye!

Not even a smile?
I said "Halo"instead of "Hello."

Oh, screw you.That's funny.

- I can't do this.
- Just act natural.

Hey, Pete.Got a soul for ya.

A Mr... Johann Schtipler.

Ja, Ja, Johann, Ja, Ja!

Yeah, he doesn't speak English.

Okay.

Have a nice eternity.

Thank you! I-I mean,I mean, uh...

German for "thank you"!
Donkey something.

Freeze!

He's crazy! He made me do it!

You're in a lot of trouble, buddy.

Last guy who tried to sneakin here
was Jim Henson,

and we all know
what happened to him.

Why'd you do that?

'Cause you gotta save your family,

and if God's not gonna
give me my wings,

I'm gonna at least
drink His booze.

- Come on!
- So what happenedto Jim Henson?

You don't want to know.

Forgive us!

You will bow down before me,
Son of God!

That's God's house?

Yeah, He inherited it.

There's too much security.
We'll never get in.

What are you, chicken?

Oh, no, that's right,
chickens have wings.

I-I'm sorry, I...thought you knew.

That's it! Come on.

- We're with the band.
- Names?

Donny and Marie Osmond.

I didn't know you guys were dead.

We're Mormons.
We were born dead.

Good thing that bouncer knew
the truth about Mormons.

I can't believe I'm really here.

Oh, my God, I don't have a present.

From Galileo...

And... Michelle.

- Okay, now,where's God?
- I don't know, but there's JC.

I mean, I could be mad.

I probably should be mad,

but what can I say?
They knew notwhat they did.

They... they just knew not.

They know now,
I'll tell you that much.

Hey, JC!
We're outta sushi!

- Check again!
- Thank you!

Okay, we gotta find God.

You become a hopeless alcoholic
and hit rock bottom.

I'll search rooms.

What are you...? Come on!
Holy Spirit in here! Occupado!

Oh! Sorry.

Nice office.

Ha! These things rule.
Why'd I ever send them to Mars?

Hello, Stan.

If you know who I am,
then you know why I'm here.

I know everything.

I guess that makes two of us, huh?

Look, Sir--

- You, uh,unplugged the sun.
- Oh, sorry!

Look, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
I'm not gonna help you.

What? Then just help my family.
You can't let them die.

Look, everything happens
for a reason.

What reason could there be?

Stan, I'm gonna level with you.

If your family isallowed to live,

Stanford's tennis team
will go oh-and-eight in conference play.

- What?!
- I'm just messing with you.

The point is, mysterious ways,

have a little faith,
I'm in the details...

Now c'mon, you can be triceratops.

- I know he's your favorite.
- We're out of time!

Now send me back
so I can save my family!

- Not gonna happen.
- You have to!

Oh, okay, so you know
better than me?

Is that it? You're all-knowing?

No. Yes. I-

- I don't know.
- Exactly! You don't know.

You can't know.
So stop trying to control everything.

I don't do that.

Stan, you're holding a gun
to God's head.

I mean, I can't even think of
a metaphor that's better than this.

- But my family...!
- Stan,

put the gun down
and let My will be done.

I'm sorry.

So shines a good deed
in a weary world.

- What?
- That's all I wanted.

One small act of humility.

- Okay, you can go back.
- Really?

Eh. It's my kid's birthday.

Thank you! Thank you!
Oh! I'll never ask for anything again.

There's just one more thing.

- Nice wings. Those real?
- Um, yes.

Yes, they are.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

But Stan...

don't you ever pull
a gun on me again.

What's wrong?

I'm home. I'm home!

Do you like the way we decorated?

It's perfect.
Everything's perfect.

You think so?

I couldn't have done it
better myself.

Merry Christmas!

There's a flying hooker
watching you hug.

Go away, hooker!