American Dad! (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Surro-Gate - full transcript

Ah, nothing says American family

like raising the flag
with your wife and two kids.

Let Wednesday begin!

Look at that bald eagle,
kids--

majestic.

I'm dead and I need a kiss!

Cut it out! Get it away!

- I'll kill you!
- Steve, Hayley,

knock it off.

Steve, go mail that to Donovan McNabb.
See if he'll sign it.

Hey, it's our favorite
gay neighbors.



What are you guys
doing today? Shopping

brunching,
parading

or taking the day off
and just being gay?

Dad, what are you doing?

Just reminding Greg and Terry

I'm cool with
the man-on-man crowd.

You two probably want to gossip.

Dish, you queeny bitches!

Actually, we do have
some big news.

- We've decided to have a baby.
- Congratulatiosn!

- Are you adopting?
- No, we're having our own.

Terry thinks we can handle
this sort of seismic life change,

here goes nothing.

Take my hand.



Guys, guys,a baby's not like a fire.

You can't just rub two sticks
together and...

We're doing in-vitrofertilization.

In-vitro?What's that?

Well, we've got an egg donor.

They'll combine her eggs
with our sperm,

and then implant those embryos
in a surrogate

God willing,
one of them willgrow to term.

I thought I saw every
episode of Star Trek.

Wait, is this Deep Space Nine?

'Cause I won'twatch that.
It's garbage and I'lltell you why.

- One...
- Stan, this isn't science fiction.

It's real fiction,

and I think it's fantastic!

We're even converting
our home gym into a nursery.

Which is fine because I don't need
to work out ever again.

Help me!

I don't believe it!

I let them be gay
and this is howthey repay me?!

What's that supposed to mean?

If two men want to
open up to each other

and share a love
more sweet and exquisite

than anything a man and woman
could ever find together,

then that's their problem.

But when they try
to bring a child into it,

I got to put my foot down!

Well, excuse me,
but who are you to say

whether they should have kids?

A concerned American, Francine.

I've always said
you can't raise normal children

in an abnormal environment.

You know what that'lldo to society?

Girls playing with trucks,
boys playing with dolls,

horses eating each other.

Yes, horses eating each other.
Read the Bible!

Well, I admire Greg and Terry

They're taking their lives
to the next level.

Francine, it's unnatural.

I mean, why don't I just start
a family with the couch?

Hey, kids, how was school?

Brush your teeth, stay off drugs.

Hello, wife. Miss me, huh?

I missed you. Mm... mm...

Oh, man, the things
I'm gonna do to you.

Here, lie on your stomach.
I'll prop you up with the kids.

- Stan!
- See how weird it gets, Francine!

Three, two, one.

We totally got you!

Allow me to impress upon you

the severe mistake
you have made.

For years, my conduct
has been largely benign,

and yet without provocation,

you have severed our detente

and forced me
to unleash upon you

the vengeful flames
of a thousand suns!

You shall curse your mothers
for the day of your birth!

So go now! Go

and beginyour life of fear,

knowing that when
you least expect it,

the looming sword of Damocles
will crash down upon you

cleaving you in twain!

And as you gaze
upon the smoking wreckage

that was once your life,

you will regret the day
you crossed

the wrong fish!

He didn't think it was funny.

I found some of Steve
and Hayley's

baby clothes in the basement.

I'm gonna bring them over
to Greg and Terry's.

Good thinking, Francine.

They can put themon their dog

and forget about thiswhole baby thing.

At the end of the day, all they want
to do is dress something up.

No, this is for when
they have their baby.

They're doing a wonderful thing,

and I want them to know
that I support them

in this beautiful endeavor.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Just replace "support" with "condemn"

and "beautiful endeavor"
with "horrible abomination."

My shipment
of Bavarian chocolate!

Are you crazy?
What if Klaus got to it first?

You heard him.
He wants to cleave us in twain.

It looks like chocolate.

You know what else
looks like chocolate?

Poison when dipped in chocolate!

- Lovely day.
- Yes, lovely. Yes.

He's a psychopath.

- Let's hide inyour attic.
- And never go to sleep.

- We could take turns sleeping.
- You are fantastic under pressure.

Stay humble.

Hi, Terry.

I just wanted you guys to know

I think it's great
what you're doing.

And I'm here for you two.

So I brought you some
of Steve and Hayley's

old baby clothes.

Thanks, Francine,

but at this rate,
we're not gonna be having a baby.

Greg keeps shooting down
all our surrogates.

We're down to two candidates.

Wait. Yellow teeth;
she's a smoker. She's out.

Okay, so down to one.

Oh, no, Terry, look.

This girl lists her favorite movie
as Erin Brockovich.

Is that the kind of message
you want our baby to absorb in utero?

Show your boobs to get
clean drinking water?

You know what? I'm exhausted.
You exhaust me.

You can't blame him
for being picky, Terry.

You're putting a lot of trust
in a complete stranger.

What are we gonna do?

- I'll do it.
- What?

- I'll carry your baby.
- Really?

It makes perfect sense.

I live right across the street

and both pregnancies were
a breeze for me.

Doctor says
I have a big spongy cervix.

Oh, listen to me bragging
about my vagina.

It's last week's PTA meeting
all over again.

Stan, honey?

Yes?

Remember how I said
I wanted to help Greg and Terry?

Well, a couple weeks ago,

I agreed to be their surrogate,

and now I'm pregnant
with their baby.

Francine, what the hell?

You have something
you want to tell me?

You need me alive because

I'm the onlyone who remembers
where you took off your shoes!

We'll tell him later.

You guys have been so great

making us dinner every night.

And how good do you feel

sticking to the appropriate
gay activities

instead of that baby nonsense?

And look,
you got to wear an apron.

That's almost a dress.

I'll clear.

- No, no, no, let me.
- No, no, let her.

She needs to get some exercise.
Look how fat she is.

My God, you've let yourself go.

You made your point, Francine.

I love you for who you are.

Geez. I'm gonna go look
at thin women online.

I can't believe you still
haven't told him you're pregnant.

I can't believe
Stan hasn't noticed.

I can't believe a lot of things:

that there's life on Mars,

that someone's married
to Larry King,

that the Harlem Globe trotters
have never lost a game...

Ooh, the baby's kicking.

Greg, feel!

Oh, God, oh,what does it want?

Oh, I can't give it what it wants.
I'm a terrible father.

I'm Bing Crosby!

Has this can been out
of your sight at any point?

No. Yes. No.

I can't remember anymore.

Well, how am I supposed to eat it?!

Just sitting here,
month after month,

waiting for Klaus' revenge.
It's maddening!

- I hear something.
- It's him! He's doing it!

Hold on.
It was just a spider.

Steve, it was,
it was just a spider.

Wait.

Unless he sent the spider

to distract us from
what he's doing behind us!

- There's nothing there!
- Not this time!

What do you mean, my son
hasn't been to school in six months?

I'm sure that's not right.

I have another call.
Hold on.

Or don't.
I'm not coming back.

Hello. Test results?

But my wife's far too fat
to be pregnant.

Okay, let's play the CD
your daddies bought for you.

Bonjour, bebe!

Tu dors dans un estomac.

You sleep in a stomach.

Ou est la biblioth?que?

Outside a stomach.

Your doctor called.

He said the baby you're carrying
for two gay men

is perfectly fine and
you should be very excited!

Do you know how many babies a year
are born without an anus?