American Dad! (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Frannie 911 - full transcript
Francine fakes Roger's kidnapping so that she can prove to Roger that Stan still cares about him. So why won't Stan pay his ransom?
God, what was I thinking?
I don't want to be
an organ donor.
People out there,
just rooting for me to die.
Steve, it's a beautiful afternoon.
Shouldn't you be outside
with your friends,
turning my tool shed into
Mordor or...
Endor or...
something heartbreaking?
I've given up that
dorky pastime
and decided to follow
my true passion:
back-up dancing!
Look! I'm good, but
I don't pull focus.
Work it, Dad!
You're the star!
Thrust it, thrust it,
thrust it.
Then hide the reveal.
We really should've spaced
out your vaccinations.
What the...?
- My study!
- And my Turkish bath.
- Have a fig.
- You are so dead!
Hold on.
You destroyed my study!
You barged into my sauna!
You know how stressful that is?
I had just unclenched my anus.
My sanctuary is ruined.
You are the most selfish
thing I've ever met.
What are you talking about?
I offered you a fig.
I offered him a fig, Francine.
Is that true, Stan?
Did he offer you a fig?
Because that sounds like
the opposite of selfish.
That sounds nutritious.
- All you ever do is defend him.
- Oh, I do not.
Please, you're always doing it.
Roger, painted me in my sleep!
My canvas is life.
I'm an artist.
Leave him alone, honey.
He's an artist.
Roger stuck a syringe
in my chest!
I was playing Pulp Fiction.
The bitch was o.d.-ing
and I gave her
a shot in the heart.
Leave him alone, Stan.
He thought you were
an o.d.-ing bitch.
- He took my hair!
- He took my land!
Leave him alone, honey.
You took his land.
You have to stop
making excuses for him.
- You're an enabler.
- I'am not. He's an alien.
He doesn't understand
how things work here.
He's been on this planet
for 60 years.
He knew Stockard Channing
when she was in her late forties.
No, I knew Stockard Channing
in the late forties.
- She was 50.
- God, I'm sick of you!
Francine, if you want to deal
with Roger,
be my guest,
but I'm through with him.
- You're dead to me!
- Well, you're dead to me, too!
You hear me?!
I don't care what you think!
He hates me!
Oh, Roger,no he doesn't.
Oh, please don't cry.
I see the moon,
the moon sees me..
He... doesn't... care...
if I... live... or die!
I'm going to kill myself.
I'm gonna go to Europe
and throw myself in the Baltic Sea!
Roger, please don't talk like that.
Of course Stan cares.
- I'll prove it to you.
- Really? How?
Don't worry,
I'll come up with a plan.
Yes, a plan!
I was gonna say
let's just let stuff happen,
but yes, a plan!
- Wait, where are you going?
- I have to go fold some laundry.
- Can I come with?
- Sure.
- Will you carry me?
- Aren't you a little big for...
- I'm sad!
- Okay, okay.
Oh... you're a big boy.
I like being carryied.
Hey, Klaus, check it out.
My dad is gonna hit the roof.
Oh, a temporary henna tattoo--
how daring!
What's next? You gonna bake cookies
at 351 degrees?
Oh, like you're so daring.
You won't even go into
the deep end of your own bowl.
Oh, really?
Maybe we should settle this
with a game of Truth or Dare.
How about Dare or Dare?
How 'bout I punch you
in the bleeping face?
See what I did there?
I bleeped myself.
I took the joy
away from the censors.
Yeah, I'll play your game of dares,
little girl.
I am a bleeping force
to be reckoned with.
Okay, I'll go first.
I dare you to kiss me.
All my Nancy Drews-- ruined!
Now I'll never know how
that ghost left footprints.
- Hello?
- We have Roger.
What? Who is this?
- The kidnappers.
- Yeah, right.
If you have Roger,
then where'd you snatch him from?
- Cinnabon.
- You savages!
If you want to see Roger again,
bring $1,000
to the abandoned ice factory
in Lanceton by 6:00 p.m.
or we cut him in half.
Well, what did he say?
Is he worried?
He's very worried.
Oh, this is great!
And what a location
for a kidnapping.
If I were writinga play--
which I am, but not about kidnapping--
I'd set it here.
Interior.Lanceton Ice Factory.
Magic hour.
and maybe the call of a lone crow
can echo in the distance.
Maybe.
Maybe that couldbe in your play.
Now hurry and tie me up.
He'll be here any minute.
I hope I'm not too late!
Please don't hurt him
One for Please Don't Hurt Him.
- That'll be $8.50.
- $8.50?
- In the newspaper it says 5:50.
- That's when the movie starts, sir.
That's why you showed up at 5:50.
Feel good?
Feel like a big man?
Where is he?
Stan should have been here
with the ransom hours ago.
I knew he didn't care about me.
Maybe he's lost.
Of course he's lost!
Lanceton?
This place is barely on the map!
Lanceton makes Idlydale
look like West Hemmitburg.
Look, just calm down.
I'll go home and try
to find out what happened.
- Hungry.
- Okay, um, well...
I have a baggie of grapes
in my purse.
Were you ever gonna tell me
about the grapes?
You see why this isn't working, right?
Feed them to me!
I don't like grapes.
Come on, I dare you.
You have been dared.
Oh, my God!
I can'tbelieve you did that.
Now you must rely solely on your eyelash
for protection from debris.
- Stan, what are you doing here?
- Just watching commercials,
trying to figure out
which truck is the most rugged.
Hey, I haven't seen Roger all day,
have you?
You just missed him.
He said he's going to
a bachelor party in Napa.
- In Napa?
- Yeah.
Roger's at a bachelor party
- in Napa.
- Yes.
Who's getting married?
Ken.
I know he's lying,
but I can't call him on it.
Because if I say,
"He's not in Napa,
he's at the ice factory,"
he'll say, "How do you know?"
And I'll be like, "Ooh."
Oh, God, he's looking at me--
say something.
That wasn't saying something,
that was doing something.
Clapping.
That-a girl.
- Hello?
- Why didn't you show up?
- Amanda?
- Amanda?
- No, this is the kidnappers.
- Oh, hey, how are you?
- Who's Amanda?
- Just a friend.
A work friend?
Look, I'm sorry you had to kill Roger,
but a thousand bucks,
that's a little steep.
No, we didn't kill him... yet.
But we hear what you're saying.
Times are tough.
So, let's say, what,
a hundred dollars?
- Forty dollars.
- I don't know.
Look, just bring us whatever
you have in your change jar.
- Okay, I guess.
- That's right, you guess.
Get here by midnight
or we cut off his head.
Francine, where's our change jar?
Oh, Stan!I'm so proud of you.
For what?
You... called it our change jar.
I guess we're really in this
for the long haul.
He couldn't get the money together
so I lowered the price.
That makes sense.
You set the price too high.
Of course it's hard for him
with you not working.
Not contributing.
Okay...
I can't wait for Stan
to ride in here
like a white knight and
hug me and give me hugs.
Well, in the meantime,
I brought you your tacos.
Oh, thank God. I am starving.
This is Taco Barn.
I said Taco King.
Aren't they the same thing?
- Anyway, Stan's coming so...
- I'm sorry.I just have to ask.
Have I committed some crime?
Did I clean my toile twith a wash cloth
and then jam it into your mother's mouth?
What?
'Cause that's what you're doing to me!
- Okay, that was just an accident.
- No, it wasn't!
Oh, how did Iend up here?
Stuck in an old ice factory
in my least favorite wig,
all part of some
dizzy blonde's joy ride.
Don't cry, Roger.
I see the moon,
the moon sees me...
No! I hate it here!
It's drafty!
Roger, please calm down.
Look, what if I take you
to a motel?
Motel?!
You think I'm a prostitute,
but I'm not!
Okay! Okay!
How about the Four Seasons?
Carry me there.
I'm gonna hold onto your hair
for safety.
Stan, how come you asked
where the change jar was last night?
I knew I was going
to be barbecuing today
and I didn't want the napkins
flying all over the yard.
I miss Roger.
Don't you miss Roger?
- Nope.
- Well...
maybe you don't
miss him now,
but sometimes the things
we take for granted
disappear and we can never
get them back.
Got it, Hayley!
I did it!
I guess what I'm saying is,
you're gonna miss him.
- Who?
- Roger!
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Roger called and said
his people came back for him.
Roger called and said
his people came back for him?
Yes
Roger's going back
to his planet?
Yes, but he said
if we went up on the roof
he'd fly over and send us
a good-bye message.
Of course,
you'll have to wear this.
- Where's your pot?
- I have these tongs.
Ooh! Ooh!I'm getting a message!
Quick. Wave.He wants us to wave.
What's he saying to you?
Uh, I guess pretty much
the same thing he's saying to you.
No, he said everyone would get
their own personal message.
Adjust your pot.
Come on, what's he saying?
I, uh...I think...
Is he saying,"We have caller ID"?
Is he saying
"Next time you kidnap Roger
don't use your cell phone"?
Is that his message?
You've known the whole time?
Of course!
Oh, Stan,it's been awful.
I just wanted to show him
you cared,
but it turned intoa nightmare.
Roger's a selfish,inconsiderate beast.
Look at this! It's taco!
He did this to me.
He was screaming,
spitting grapes.
He even made me
buy him a Yorkie,
and then take it back when
it wouldn't dance for him.
Because he knows
he can get away with it!
You want him to stop being a brat,
you have to stop enabling him.
- Get tough!
- You're right.
- You were right all along.
- Hey, look.
I've been up here
background dancing
to your conversation
the entire time.
And you didn't even notice.
I am awesome!
- So, there is no Amanda?
- There is, but she's fat.
Put the bucket of clams
in the corner.
I'm not ready for 'em yet.
And that smear on the sheets
is a Peppermint Patty.
It was here when I got here.
- Oh, it's you.
- Roger, Stan isn't coming.
What?
Oh, my God, Francine,
what did you do this time?
I'm gonna throw this seabass
on your shoes.
There!
Now your shoes
stink as bad as your ideas.
You... You struck me with a bass.
That's right, because
you're a spoiled brat!
You whine and you complain
and you walk all over me.
But no more! I'm done!
Go ahead. Cry.
I'm not enabling you anymore.
I see the moon,
the moon sees me
The moon sees the one...
- Finished?
- I don't know.
You want to know why Stan
didn't show up?
Because he doesn't like you.
And you know what?
I don't like you either.
- Yes, you do!
- No, I don't.
And if you want to win back my love
and be part of this family,
you're gonna have to change.
You have to be nice.
I can't be nice all the time.
It's not in my nature.
Then I'm sorry, Roger,
but this is good-bye.
No!
Don't go!
I'll do anything!
Are you sure?
You're really ready?
Yes, yes.
- I'm readyto quit drinking.
- That's not whatthis is about.
Oh, thank God.
Good, you're here.
There's someone I want you to meet.
Say hello to a well-behaved
fellow who's very sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I know I've been a real pain,
but I'm gonna be
supernice from now on.
Por vous.
You should keep it in your study.
It's nice and humid in there
from all the steam. I'm very sorry.
Say it! You have to say it!
Help! Raccoons took my penis!
- Allow me, my dear.
- Oh, thank you, Roger.
Why, you have fantastic posture.
A truly presidential carriage.
Beat it, kiss ass.
- Stan.
- I'm sorry,
but it's gonna take more than
a few accurate observations
about my stunning handsomeness
to convince methat Roger's changed.
Nailed it.
Well, Roger,
tell Steve what you think.
You werereally...
good.
Wow, it's so brigh
tand cheery in here.
Thank you.
They've been doing that all morning.
When I get four and twenty of 'em,
I'm going to bake'em into a pie.
See? I told you
it wouldn't kill you to be nice.
I've got to hand it to you, Francine.
You totally turnedRoger around.
He just made me laugh
for ten minutes straight,
and when I'd had enough,
he stopped.
A little tough love turned out to be
just what he needed.
We should do something nice for him.
Let's get him a kayak.
That's a great idea!
Where is Roger?
Let's go tell him we're thinking about
getting him a kayak.
I saw him go into your study
with sledgehammer and a watermelon.
- What?!
- There's gotta be an explanation.
Is it Gallagher Day?
Do you see a GallagherTree,
Francine?
Roger's backto his old ways.
I am livid, Francine!
Now I know how bears feel.
Roger, you son of a...
Surprise.
Your study's reborn.
Oh, my God, Roger... thank you.
This is the nicest thing
you've ever done.
Please note... the fruit bouquet.
Escape into thetaste... of summer.
I was nice in the end.
You'll remember that.
Save your strength.
Roger, you can't die.
Roger! What happened to you?
What happened to me?
What happened... to you?
Oh, Klaus dared me to dress like
Captain Stubingfor fourteen months.
And she dared me to congeal
myself in Jell-O.
That is really stupid.
Really... really stupid.
Look! The flower!
When Roger's a jerk,
the flower perks up!
Roger, is being nice killing you?
My people need to
let our bitchiness out.
Otherwise it turns to bile
and poisons us.
Why didn't you say something?
'Cause, you all liked me this way.
I was finally
making you proud, Francine.
Oh, God, is this all my fault?
Yes.
Roger, please! Be mean!
If you have to be a jerkto live,
then come on,
give us all you got.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, Roger.We're sure.
Okay.
Send me Steve.
Dance for me.
okay,okay that's enough.
I've got what I need.
You are terrible.
You've got no rhythm.
No coordination.
I've seen two epileptics
share a bowl of noodles
with more grace.
If your goal was to inspire
a feeling of despair
the likes of which hasn't been felt
since Whoopi hosted the Oscars,
then bravo
Okay, I think that's enough, Roger
Honey, no, it's good
for the both of them.
I can envision millions of Americans
rising up as one
and demanding legislation
that would require
your legs to be amputated,
burned and buried next to Hitler.
In short, you suck.
Oh, yeah! That's the stuff!
Oh, Roger! You're back.
And you're starting
to get lunch lady arms.
What an ugly thing to say.
I never should have tried
to change you.
And I shouldn't have tried
to change myself, either.
I'm an enabler.
That's just who I am.
Yeah, kinda like how Stan
is a giant douche bag.
- Hey, take that back!
- Don't have to, that's not who I am.
Wait, where are you going?
You said you were an enabler.
Oh, I am.
And I'll be your enabler
as soon as Stan finishes
being who he is--
the guy who beats the crap out
of you when you deserve it.
Damn it! Why is this door locked?!
Francine?!
Is this for the taco on the dress?
Francine, open the door,
you bitch!
Oh, hi, Stan.
Oh, thank goodness your here.
This door is stuck.
Can you get it for me?
Okay, it's almost open.
Now I'll throw you
Oh, me again? Okay.
I don't want to be
an organ donor.
People out there,
just rooting for me to die.
Steve, it's a beautiful afternoon.
Shouldn't you be outside
with your friends,
turning my tool shed into
Mordor or...
Endor or...
something heartbreaking?
I've given up that
dorky pastime
and decided to follow
my true passion:
back-up dancing!
Look! I'm good, but
I don't pull focus.
Work it, Dad!
You're the star!
Thrust it, thrust it,
thrust it.
Then hide the reveal.
We really should've spaced
out your vaccinations.
What the...?
- My study!
- And my Turkish bath.
- Have a fig.
- You are so dead!
Hold on.
You destroyed my study!
You barged into my sauna!
You know how stressful that is?
I had just unclenched my anus.
My sanctuary is ruined.
You are the most selfish
thing I've ever met.
What are you talking about?
I offered you a fig.
I offered him a fig, Francine.
Is that true, Stan?
Did he offer you a fig?
Because that sounds like
the opposite of selfish.
That sounds nutritious.
- All you ever do is defend him.
- Oh, I do not.
Please, you're always doing it.
Roger, painted me in my sleep!
My canvas is life.
I'm an artist.
Leave him alone, honey.
He's an artist.
Roger stuck a syringe
in my chest!
I was playing Pulp Fiction.
The bitch was o.d.-ing
and I gave her
a shot in the heart.
Leave him alone, Stan.
He thought you were
an o.d.-ing bitch.
- He took my hair!
- He took my land!
Leave him alone, honey.
You took his land.
You have to stop
making excuses for him.
- You're an enabler.
- I'am not. He's an alien.
He doesn't understand
how things work here.
He's been on this planet
for 60 years.
He knew Stockard Channing
when she was in her late forties.
No, I knew Stockard Channing
in the late forties.
- She was 50.
- God, I'm sick of you!
Francine, if you want to deal
with Roger,
be my guest,
but I'm through with him.
- You're dead to me!
- Well, you're dead to me, too!
You hear me?!
I don't care what you think!
He hates me!
Oh, Roger,no he doesn't.
Oh, please don't cry.
I see the moon,
the moon sees me..
He... doesn't... care...
if I... live... or die!
I'm going to kill myself.
I'm gonna go to Europe
and throw myself in the Baltic Sea!
Roger, please don't talk like that.
Of course Stan cares.
- I'll prove it to you.
- Really? How?
Don't worry,
I'll come up with a plan.
Yes, a plan!
I was gonna say
let's just let stuff happen,
but yes, a plan!
- Wait, where are you going?
- I have to go fold some laundry.
- Can I come with?
- Sure.
- Will you carry me?
- Aren't you a little big for...
- I'm sad!
- Okay, okay.
Oh... you're a big boy.
I like being carryied.
Hey, Klaus, check it out.
My dad is gonna hit the roof.
Oh, a temporary henna tattoo--
how daring!
What's next? You gonna bake cookies
at 351 degrees?
Oh, like you're so daring.
You won't even go into
the deep end of your own bowl.
Oh, really?
Maybe we should settle this
with a game of Truth or Dare.
How about Dare or Dare?
How 'bout I punch you
in the bleeping face?
See what I did there?
I bleeped myself.
I took the joy
away from the censors.
Yeah, I'll play your game of dares,
little girl.
I am a bleeping force
to be reckoned with.
Okay, I'll go first.
I dare you to kiss me.
All my Nancy Drews-- ruined!
Now I'll never know how
that ghost left footprints.
- Hello?
- We have Roger.
What? Who is this?
- The kidnappers.
- Yeah, right.
If you have Roger,
then where'd you snatch him from?
- Cinnabon.
- You savages!
If you want to see Roger again,
bring $1,000
to the abandoned ice factory
in Lanceton by 6:00 p.m.
or we cut him in half.
Well, what did he say?
Is he worried?
He's very worried.
Oh, this is great!
And what a location
for a kidnapping.
If I were writinga play--
which I am, but not about kidnapping--
I'd set it here.
Interior.Lanceton Ice Factory.
Magic hour.
and maybe the call of a lone crow
can echo in the distance.
Maybe.
Maybe that couldbe in your play.
Now hurry and tie me up.
He'll be here any minute.
I hope I'm not too late!
Please don't hurt him
One for Please Don't Hurt Him.
- That'll be $8.50.
- $8.50?
- In the newspaper it says 5:50.
- That's when the movie starts, sir.
That's why you showed up at 5:50.
Feel good?
Feel like a big man?
Where is he?
Stan should have been here
with the ransom hours ago.
I knew he didn't care about me.
Maybe he's lost.
Of course he's lost!
Lanceton?
This place is barely on the map!
Lanceton makes Idlydale
look like West Hemmitburg.
Look, just calm down.
I'll go home and try
to find out what happened.
- Hungry.
- Okay, um, well...
I have a baggie of grapes
in my purse.
Were you ever gonna tell me
about the grapes?
You see why this isn't working, right?
Feed them to me!
I don't like grapes.
Come on, I dare you.
You have been dared.
Oh, my God!
I can'tbelieve you did that.
Now you must rely solely on your eyelash
for protection from debris.
- Stan, what are you doing here?
- Just watching commercials,
trying to figure out
which truck is the most rugged.
Hey, I haven't seen Roger all day,
have you?
You just missed him.
He said he's going to
a bachelor party in Napa.
- In Napa?
- Yeah.
Roger's at a bachelor party
- in Napa.
- Yes.
Who's getting married?
Ken.
I know he's lying,
but I can't call him on it.
Because if I say,
"He's not in Napa,
he's at the ice factory,"
he'll say, "How do you know?"
And I'll be like, "Ooh."
Oh, God, he's looking at me--
say something.
That wasn't saying something,
that was doing something.
Clapping.
That-a girl.
- Hello?
- Why didn't you show up?
- Amanda?
- Amanda?
- No, this is the kidnappers.
- Oh, hey, how are you?
- Who's Amanda?
- Just a friend.
A work friend?
Look, I'm sorry you had to kill Roger,
but a thousand bucks,
that's a little steep.
No, we didn't kill him... yet.
But we hear what you're saying.
Times are tough.
So, let's say, what,
a hundred dollars?
- Forty dollars.
- I don't know.
Look, just bring us whatever
you have in your change jar.
- Okay, I guess.
- That's right, you guess.
Get here by midnight
or we cut off his head.
Francine, where's our change jar?
Oh, Stan!I'm so proud of you.
For what?
You... called it our change jar.
I guess we're really in this
for the long haul.
He couldn't get the money together
so I lowered the price.
That makes sense.
You set the price too high.
Of course it's hard for him
with you not working.
Not contributing.
Okay...
I can't wait for Stan
to ride in here
like a white knight and
hug me and give me hugs.
Well, in the meantime,
I brought you your tacos.
Oh, thank God. I am starving.
This is Taco Barn.
I said Taco King.
Aren't they the same thing?
- Anyway, Stan's coming so...
- I'm sorry.I just have to ask.
Have I committed some crime?
Did I clean my toile twith a wash cloth
and then jam it into your mother's mouth?
What?
'Cause that's what you're doing to me!
- Okay, that was just an accident.
- No, it wasn't!
Oh, how did Iend up here?
Stuck in an old ice factory
in my least favorite wig,
all part of some
dizzy blonde's joy ride.
Don't cry, Roger.
I see the moon,
the moon sees me...
No! I hate it here!
It's drafty!
Roger, please calm down.
Look, what if I take you
to a motel?
Motel?!
You think I'm a prostitute,
but I'm not!
Okay! Okay!
How about the Four Seasons?
Carry me there.
I'm gonna hold onto your hair
for safety.
Stan, how come you asked
where the change jar was last night?
I knew I was going
to be barbecuing today
and I didn't want the napkins
flying all over the yard.
I miss Roger.
Don't you miss Roger?
- Nope.
- Well...
maybe you don't
miss him now,
but sometimes the things
we take for granted
disappear and we can never
get them back.
Got it, Hayley!
I did it!
I guess what I'm saying is,
you're gonna miss him.
- Who?
- Roger!
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Roger called and said
his people came back for him.
Roger called and said
his people came back for him?
Yes
Roger's going back
to his planet?
Yes, but he said
if we went up on the roof
he'd fly over and send us
a good-bye message.
Of course,
you'll have to wear this.
- Where's your pot?
- I have these tongs.
Ooh! Ooh!I'm getting a message!
Quick. Wave.He wants us to wave.
What's he saying to you?
Uh, I guess pretty much
the same thing he's saying to you.
No, he said everyone would get
their own personal message.
Adjust your pot.
Come on, what's he saying?
I, uh...I think...
Is he saying,"We have caller ID"?
Is he saying
"Next time you kidnap Roger
don't use your cell phone"?
Is that his message?
You've known the whole time?
Of course!
Oh, Stan,it's been awful.
I just wanted to show him
you cared,
but it turned intoa nightmare.
Roger's a selfish,inconsiderate beast.
Look at this! It's taco!
He did this to me.
He was screaming,
spitting grapes.
He even made me
buy him a Yorkie,
and then take it back when
it wouldn't dance for him.
Because he knows
he can get away with it!
You want him to stop being a brat,
you have to stop enabling him.
- Get tough!
- You're right.
- You were right all along.
- Hey, look.
I've been up here
background dancing
to your conversation
the entire time.
And you didn't even notice.
I am awesome!
- So, there is no Amanda?
- There is, but she's fat.
Put the bucket of clams
in the corner.
I'm not ready for 'em yet.
And that smear on the sheets
is a Peppermint Patty.
It was here when I got here.
- Oh, it's you.
- Roger, Stan isn't coming.
What?
Oh, my God, Francine,
what did you do this time?
I'm gonna throw this seabass
on your shoes.
There!
Now your shoes
stink as bad as your ideas.
You... You struck me with a bass.
That's right, because
you're a spoiled brat!
You whine and you complain
and you walk all over me.
But no more! I'm done!
Go ahead. Cry.
I'm not enabling you anymore.
I see the moon,
the moon sees me
The moon sees the one...
- Finished?
- I don't know.
You want to know why Stan
didn't show up?
Because he doesn't like you.
And you know what?
I don't like you either.
- Yes, you do!
- No, I don't.
And if you want to win back my love
and be part of this family,
you're gonna have to change.
You have to be nice.
I can't be nice all the time.
It's not in my nature.
Then I'm sorry, Roger,
but this is good-bye.
No!
Don't go!
I'll do anything!
Are you sure?
You're really ready?
Yes, yes.
- I'm readyto quit drinking.
- That's not whatthis is about.
Oh, thank God.
Good, you're here.
There's someone I want you to meet.
Say hello to a well-behaved
fellow who's very sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I know I've been a real pain,
but I'm gonna be
supernice from now on.
Por vous.
You should keep it in your study.
It's nice and humid in there
from all the steam. I'm very sorry.
Say it! You have to say it!
Help! Raccoons took my penis!
- Allow me, my dear.
- Oh, thank you, Roger.
Why, you have fantastic posture.
A truly presidential carriage.
Beat it, kiss ass.
- Stan.
- I'm sorry,
but it's gonna take more than
a few accurate observations
about my stunning handsomeness
to convince methat Roger's changed.
Nailed it.
Well, Roger,
tell Steve what you think.
You werereally...
good.
Wow, it's so brigh
tand cheery in here.
Thank you.
They've been doing that all morning.
When I get four and twenty of 'em,
I'm going to bake'em into a pie.
See? I told you
it wouldn't kill you to be nice.
I've got to hand it to you, Francine.
You totally turnedRoger around.
He just made me laugh
for ten minutes straight,
and when I'd had enough,
he stopped.
A little tough love turned out to be
just what he needed.
We should do something nice for him.
Let's get him a kayak.
That's a great idea!
Where is Roger?
Let's go tell him we're thinking about
getting him a kayak.
I saw him go into your study
with sledgehammer and a watermelon.
- What?!
- There's gotta be an explanation.
Is it Gallagher Day?
Do you see a GallagherTree,
Francine?
Roger's backto his old ways.
I am livid, Francine!
Now I know how bears feel.
Roger, you son of a...
Surprise.
Your study's reborn.
Oh, my God, Roger... thank you.
This is the nicest thing
you've ever done.
Please note... the fruit bouquet.
Escape into thetaste... of summer.
I was nice in the end.
You'll remember that.
Save your strength.
Roger, you can't die.
Roger! What happened to you?
What happened to me?
What happened... to you?
Oh, Klaus dared me to dress like
Captain Stubingfor fourteen months.
And she dared me to congeal
myself in Jell-O.
That is really stupid.
Really... really stupid.
Look! The flower!
When Roger's a jerk,
the flower perks up!
Roger, is being nice killing you?
My people need to
let our bitchiness out.
Otherwise it turns to bile
and poisons us.
Why didn't you say something?
'Cause, you all liked me this way.
I was finally
making you proud, Francine.
Oh, God, is this all my fault?
Yes.
Roger, please! Be mean!
If you have to be a jerkto live,
then come on,
give us all you got.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, Roger.We're sure.
Okay.
Send me Steve.
Dance for me.
okay,okay that's enough.
I've got what I need.
You are terrible.
You've got no rhythm.
No coordination.
I've seen two epileptics
share a bowl of noodles
with more grace.
If your goal was to inspire
a feeling of despair
the likes of which hasn't been felt
since Whoopi hosted the Oscars,
then bravo
Okay, I think that's enough, Roger
Honey, no, it's good
for the both of them.
I can envision millions of Americans
rising up as one
and demanding legislation
that would require
your legs to be amputated,
burned and buried next to Hitler.
In short, you suck.
Oh, yeah! That's the stuff!
Oh, Roger! You're back.
And you're starting
to get lunch lady arms.
What an ugly thing to say.
I never should have tried
to change you.
And I shouldn't have tried
to change myself, either.
I'm an enabler.
That's just who I am.
Yeah, kinda like how Stan
is a giant douche bag.
- Hey, take that back!
- Don't have to, that's not who I am.
Wait, where are you going?
You said you were an enabler.
Oh, I am.
And I'll be your enabler
as soon as Stan finishes
being who he is--
the guy who beats the crap out
of you when you deserve it.
Damn it! Why is this door locked?!
Francine?!
Is this for the taco on the dress?
Francine, open the door,
you bitch!
Oh, hi, Stan.
Oh, thank goodness your here.
This door is stuck.
Can you get it for me?
Okay, it's almost open.
Now I'll throw you
Oh, me again? Okay.