American Dad! (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 19 - Joint Custody - full transcript

American Dad 3x19

"Joint Custody"

synchro : Fogia
Transcript : Raceman

'Morning, neighbor!

Reading the newspaper, huh, Mr. S?

Not me.

Can't do it anymore.
Too depressing.

Bums my apex, man.

Damn it, Hayley, I don't care if
your deadbeat boyfriend lives in his van,

but he's not gonna do it
in front of my house.

- Too bad. He's on public property.
- He lives in his van?



How bohemian.

You know, I'm a little boho myself.

I once pierced my gloknik.

Unfortunately, it was my left gloknik.

Didn't know the code.

Can't tell you how many people
tried to pee on me that summer.

I want that van gone by the time
I get home from work.

Well, the law says he can park
out there as long as he wants.

The law is on his side.

If I want to get rid of Jeff, I'll have
to do something cunning and subtle.

Whoa! What a freak accident!

Thanks, Eddie! What do I owe you?

Just tell your friends.
My business is word of mouth.

But don't you have to start
charging eventually?



Eventually.

looks could kill, you would be
an Uzi. You're a shotgun, bang!

What's up with that thang?

I wanna know, how do it hang?

What the hell are you doing?!

You shave your chest?

What? No! It's for work.
Get out of my shower!

You're the one who crushed his van.

Why can't Jeff live with his family?

He hasn't spoken to his dad in years,
and his mom ran away before he was born.

How...

How could she do that?

I heard you showering with Jeff.
I finally get to meet him.

- How do I look?
- Like an alien. Put on a disguise.

- I'm not gonna wear a disguise.
- But you love disguises.

What? Where'd you get that idea?

You can't go five minutes
without doing a fashion montage.

I'm sure I don't know what you're
talking about. I hate disguises.

And I'd rather stay in the attic
than wear your uniform.

- Then stay in the attic.
- It's my body!

If I can't get to know Jeff face-to-face
like a regular person,

then I'll build a relationship
with him like fat people do--

through the Internet.

Now, I just have to find
all the info on Jeff I can...

Well, qu'est que c'est que ?a?

Ha-ha. Muy buena comida, Mrs. S.

Hey, did I ever tell you guys
about this choice burrito

I had when I was backpacking
that summer I was super into rabbits?

The dude who makes them
uses a syringe to inject

a squirt of sour cream
into the center of each bean.

Ridiculous!

You get pretty bad fire hole,
but it's totally worth it.

All right, that's it! Get out!
Get out of my house!

- Stan!
- Look, Jeff is a part of my life, okay?

In fact, we might even get married one day,
so you might as well get used to him.

Married! Oh, babe!
Mr. S., you are so set.

Wait right here.

Look, honey, I'll make you a deal.

You don't marry Jeff,
and I won't bake you a roofie cake

and tie your fallopians
in a square knot.

Here, Mr. S.

I wanted to give you my wedding
dowry in advance--

Two ponchos and a flute
that summons a leprechaun.

You can only use it three times,
so choose wisely.

Where's my hacksaw?
I want to kill Jeff with my hacksaw.

Stan, there's an easier way
to get rid of Jeff.

What? I thought you wanted
to be his friend.

Yeah, I'm over that. Look at this.

There's a bounty on his head in Florida.

A few years ago, he got caught with
300 pounds of pot, but he skipped bail.

This is perfect.

If he goes to prison, he'll be out
of my life forever.

Plus, I can use the reward money
to buy some disguises.

I don't know if you know this,
but I love disguises!

There's no way you can transport
a criminal to Florida.

Are you kidding? There's a rich
tradition of alien bounty hunters.

I just have to decide on the right look.

Which means... it's time for another
Roger fashion montage!

Stan! Damn you and your one outfit!

Wow, I can't believe you're
taking me to a baseball game.

I know. I can't believe you
believe that either.

So, you never told me, who's playing
in this baseball game, Dad?

I'm not your dad.

Y-You have your own dad.

Actually, we haven't talked
in a few years.

I got involved in a little trouble and,

well, if he found out,
it would really disappoint him.

Are you and your dad close?

Daddy, will you read to me?

Who the hell are you?

Uh...

Yeah. Sure.

What the...?

You poached my bear!

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm taking my bounty back!

Ahh!

What's your problem?!

Oh, you mean besides being shot at
by a bottom-heavy freak?

You know it's awkward when I try to jog!

Listen, I'll overlook the fact
that you didn't compliment my outfit

if you let me take Jeff
and go collect my money.

I don't care about the money!

I just want to get Jeff down
to Florida and out of my life.

You're turning me in?

Look, Jeff...

Damn it, Roger! He's getting away!

Why didn't you run for it?

You want to know why?

Because I didn't think of it.

O'Shamus McPhearson, present yourself!

Ah! Where is my leprechaun?!

Great. Well, Roger,
I guess it's just you and me.

And w it's just me.

Wait, how am I gonna get out of here?!

Try jogging, you gross bowling pin!

- Yo, you flute me?
- What? No, no. That was Jeff.

- He hopped on the train.
- Oh, Jeff, huh?

Well, you tell your boy
this still counts as one.

He got two left.

Mmm. They love me.

So I took the train to Raleigh,
and now I'm at my dad's farm.

Just stay right there.
I'm coming to get you!

Mom! You won't believe this.

Dad kidnapped Jeff, but he got away
and now he's hiding at his dad's farm.

Ooh, there's lots of places
to hide on a farm--

corn fields, a silo, behind a cow,
under a tractor...

Mom! We gotta save Jeff!

Right. You tell Steve. I'll grab my keys.

Hello, Stan? I know where Jeff is.

But, first I'm gonna need
something from you.

Can we take one of those
Old Western photos together?

I'll get it, Dad!

Hi, Jeff.

Expecting someone a little
less take-you-to-jaily?

Wait! You gotta believe me.
I don't know how that pot got in my Van!

You had a loose nail there
And I don't believe you.

All right, I'll go with you!

Just let me spend one last
night with my dad.

Forget it! I'm begging you.

I won't get to see him for a long time.

I want to memorize every line in his face

so I can write a poem about it
for my prison poetry slam.

'Cause that's what prison's like, right?

Hi, my name's Stan Smith.
I seem to have lost my credit card.

Can you tell me the last place
I used it?

No, I don't know my
Social Security number.

No, I don't know my date of birth.

My mother's maiden name?

Uh, something Italian. I look Italian.

Try "Frappuccino."

Hold on, got a beep.

Hello?

Roger, it's me. Jeff and Stan are at
Jeff's father's house in North Carolina.

Really!

Yes. Now, in return for this information,
you must give me...

Nothing. If you had just
waited for me to finish,

you'd know I want nothing from you!

Oh, hey, I thought you two
went to find Jeff.

Mom can't find her car keys.

Okay, what were you doing
the last time you had them?

Driving! I think it was the car!

Mom, if we don't find those keys,
we'll never rescue Jeff.

Did somebody say... hotwire?

Can you really do that?

Yes. And in answer to your next question,

I like a sneaker with a large tongue.

So, Dad, Stan's a friend
of mine from Langley Falls.

I've got a pretty good life up there.

I'm in charge of tire inflation
at the bike shop.

Tire inflation!

That is so great.
'Course I'm not surprised.

That's just the latest in a long
list of achievements.

I'm so proud of my son.

In fact, this is the wall
where I keep all his awards.

What?!

There's nothing there!

Oh, my God! They've been stolen!

I'd better call the sheriff.

We're gonna get
to the bottom of this.

It's ringing.

Hello, Sheriff Perkins?
Henry Fischer.

Yes, yes, father of the
illustrious Jeff Fischer.

Someone has stolen all
his awards. All of them.

It must have been several
strong men with a huge truck.

What?

What do you mean Jeff's never
won an award in his entire life?

But if that were true,
that would mean my son

is a worthless piece of crap who
never accomplished anything.

Well, sir,

I'm not gonna sit here while you say those
awful things about my pride and joy.

I promise you, son, I will not rest
until I get every single ribbon, trophy

and letter of commendation
back on that wall.

I'm gonna go down to the bar
and round up a posse.

We'll get Charlie's dogs,
close off a perimeter.

You just sit there and keep
on making me proud.

Isn't he great?

Great?

Jeff, your dad is a humongous jerk.

No, he's just kidding around.

He loves me.

That's why he can never know
what happened in Florida.

Look, Jeff, no one wants to admit
their dad is a bad guy, but...

Bad guy? Look who's talking.

You're the one who tricked me
and pretended to be my friend.

My dad would never do anything that mean?

I need something for Charlie's dogs
so they can pick up the scent.

Do you have your high school diploma?

No? They got that, too?

Oh, those monsters are gonna pay.

You can sleep out in the barn.

Mr. Fischer, don't you think
you're a little hard on Jeff?

I mean, I like soul-crushing sarcasm
as much as the next guy,

and kudos on your commitment to the bit,
but Jeff is your son.

And my bounty.

Who the hell is this?

Horse Renoir... bounty hunter.

Born in the Bayou,

some say the hell spawn of a prostitute
and a whore. Others say...

Shut up!

Rude.

Your son's wanted in Florida
for a drug bust

and I'm gonna collect the bounty.

Tie him up.

I got arthritis.
I can't even tie my damn boots.

Oh, my mom had that real bad, too.

The whore, not the prostitute.
Here, I'll do it.

You don't have arthritis.

- Rude. Liar.
- Tie him up.

You're going to help Jeff escape?
So, you're a good father after all.

Hell, no. I just want
to collect that bounty.

It'll cover my losses for when he got
busted with my marijuana crop.

Wait... your marijuana?

What do you think I grow here?

Oh. The kind.

All that damn fool had to do
was drive that van to Florida.

There wasn't even any pressure.
He didn't know I'd stuffed it with pot.

You let your own son take the fall?

You know what Horse Renoir thinks?

Horse Renoir thinks... Ahh!

What have I done?

Jeff was telling the truth,
he's innocent!

And now his own dad is gonna screw
him over and take him to jail.

I have to pee now.
Whenever I get tied up, I have to pee.

I'll try and hold it but...

I'm going now.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Jeff's dad probably has him
halfway to Florida by now.

I've got an idea. I saw this in
a movie once. Hop with me.

That's good.

Why did you do that?!

Well, you weren't gonna
do anything from a movie.

Um... uh...

Come on, Steve!
You're our only hope save Jeff.

No problem, I'll just, uh...

touch the battery?

Steve, nothing happened.

I feel funny.

Must be the smoke inhalation.

It's killing my eyes.

Oh, you know what
I meant to ask you?

How did we get out of there?

I think we did some sweet maneuvers
from that movie Backdraft.

I never saw Backdraft.

Me either...

We have to save Jeff!
There's not a moment to lose!

Sorry. That's how I wake up.

Florida? We're in Florida!
Oh, man, I can't be in Florida!

Relax, son, I know everything.

We're gonna go down there
and convince them you're innocent.

- Really? But how?
- I'm your father. Trust me.

Stan, do you, do you feel lighter?

I'm definitely getting lighter.

I think I'm becoming immune to gravity.

Why is there a leopard
on the Cheetos bag?

Wait, it's a cheetah.

Cheetah...

Cheetos.

There is so much beauty in the world.

Why do my wrists hurt?!

'Cause you're lying on them.

How can you hear what I'm thinking?

Do you live here?

'Cause I could live here.
This place is great.

Hey, look, someone picked out
all my favorite stuff.

That'll be... And this!

- Cat food?
- If I hold this, I won't float away.

That'll be $147.

Wher-where-where're we gonna
get that type of cash?!

- We can turn in Jeff.
- I thought Jeff was innocent.

We got to save Jeff.

He's had a quite a shock,
but he'll be fine.

Oh, thank God.

Wait, I know where they are.

Steve, what are you talking about?

Your keys-- I... I see them.

Honey, you are delirious,

No, ma'am. Let the boy talk.

That shock, it changed him.

I sensed something when
I was working on him.

Something strong enough to punch a hole
from the next world clear into this one.

They're on a Gumby keychain!

Well, yeah, Steve, you gave me
that for my birthday.

Ah, he's got the gift!

Lead us to the keys, boy.

Lead us... to the keys.

Man, what's with all this traffic?
We're never gonna get Jeff in time.

Is, is this, is his right?

Oh, it's a checkpoint.

These are, these are a good thing
keeps people from hurting each other.

It's all about kindness.

And music.

You're motoring

What's your price for flight

Gink gink ga gadink dink ga

In finding Mr. Right

Gink gink ga gadink dink...

Wait a minute. Who, who is this?

Night Ranger, man.

Night... Ranger.

Night Ranger?

Oh, my God! We're high!

Of course,

when the barn burned, we became pawns
in marijuana's mellow chess game.

Oh my God, we got to get out of here!

I can't just abandon Jeff.

Screw him. He's a loser.
You don't care about him.

That's just it, Roger, I-I kind of...

do care.

That's just the weed talking.

No. No, I... I cared before that.

He's so upbeat and friendly even though
he has such a terrible father.

You know, I had a crappy dad, too.

I guess in a way Jeff and I are...

kindred spirits.

Did you...?

Did you see that? The Indian?

Who? Kevin?
Of course I saw him.

We picked him up at the rest stop
an hour ago.

Dropped my Rollos.

Stan, think about this.
You're a federal agent.

You get caught high,
you lose everything.

Jeff's never had anyone
looking out for him.

And I'm not going to let him down.

Good evening, sir.

- Have you been drinking?
- 'Evening.

Even... ing.

- Making things even.
- Please step out of the car, sir.

He knows! Hang on!

Find the keys, Steve. Take us to the keys.

Here... they're in here.

Nope. Nothing here but a busted
water pipe and a bunch of wires.

Steve, for the last time,
you're not psychic.

You'll get a lot of that.
People are afraid of the gift.

Afraid of what they don't understand.

- Please stop encouraging him!
- Wait, this can't be.

They have to be there...

It's gone.

The gift is gone.

Or was it a curse?

- You can't see no more keys?
- No.

Well, good-bye.

Slow down, Stan, I can't keep up.

Then drop the damn cat food.

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

I float away, and you get a bag of food
scientifically formulated for aging cats.

Too late, Mr. Smith.

My dad's in there right now
clearing my name.

No, he's not, Jeff.

He's turning you in to get the money.

Freeze! Hands in the air!

You're wrong about my dad.

He cares more about me than anything.

There's your criminal. Just give me the money.

That's all I care about-- money.

Not Jeff... money.

See?
Wait, am I Jeff or money?

Oh, man, I'm Jeff.

- Dad?!
- You're under arrest.

Wait. This man-hippie is innocent.

His father planted drugs on him
without him knowing.

He has no proof.

I've got his confession on tape.
I was wearing a wire.

- Why were you wearing a wire?
- I always wear a wire.

That's why you shave your chest.

Oh, Hayley must wear a muff wire.

I knew I shouldn't confess
to two people I was going to kill.

- You were going to kill, 'em?
- Yeah, but you can't prove it,

- 'cause you're not wearing a wire.
- I'm a cop.

Look, Jeff, I...

I know what it's like to have
a lousy dad, but

the fact is, none of us get
to choose our fathers.

No, go on. I have a lot
of father issues, too.

None of us get to choose our fathers but
we do get to choose our father figures.

I chose my mother.

That set me back a bit.

Then I realized I could be
my own father figure.

Well, there is someone
I kind of look up to.

Someone I've learned
to respect and admire.

And I think he'd make
a great father figure...

- Well, Jeff, I'm flattered...
- My Uncle Frank.

What? Oh, oh, of course.

- Oh, did you think I meant...?
- No, no.

Hmm... this is awkward. I'm gonna go.

No, don't go. Why would it be awkward?
It's not awkward.

So...

we should get going.

Wait, are you too stoned to drive?

Oh, no, no, I'm fine.

I'm pretty sure it's all
out of my system.

Dude...