American Dad! (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 18 - The Magnificent Steven - full transcript

American Dad ! - 2x18

"The Magnificient Steven"

Subtitles : Fogia
transcript : Raceman

You're aware of the serious nature
of the charges brought against you?

Yes, sir.

All right, begin and
speak loudly, please.

This is for the record.

Well, the whole thing started
on Friday the tenth.

I got off work early so I could pick up
my son and his friends from school.

Ah, gym.

Where huge kids with pituitary problems
are pitted against the weak.



What the...

I got you.

You have to go to tickle jail.

Your bail is set at one gumdrop.

What the hell is going on?

What happened to the Langley
Falls Fighting Buffaloes?

We're now the Langley
Falls Prancing Buffaloes.

Honey, could you fetch me the gym
teacher and two cups of coffee?

He'll want bourbon in his.

I am the gym teacher.

No, n-no, you're confused.

You're a home economics teacher.

Now, scoot back in the fake kitchen
and sew something tasty.

Sillyboots,



we're just finishing up
a game of Tickle-Play.

Hi, Dad.

Well, did my boy's team
win at least?

Oh, there's no winning.

We don't like to foster
a competitive atmosphere,

but we laugh a lot.

Now everyone hug
and share a secret.

I'm afraid of moths.

My therapist says I'm a bad kisser.

What's happened to America?

Your whole generation has gone soft.

How are you going to become men
if you're not tackling each other

and ruining your knees for life?

- But Tickle-Play is fun.
- And easy.

Plus we get trophies just for playing.

Life isn't fun or easy
or what the Asian kid said.

It's tough and brutal.

Life sounds mean.

Damn right.

You don't get a trophy in
life just for showing up.

- Glitter!
- No! No glitter!

How do you expect to become men
if you never do anything hard?

Simple. We'll get safe,
easy jobs.

And we'll keep quiet, so we
don't ruffle any feathers.

Eventually, our female
friends will realize

we're the best they're going to do,

and they'll browbeat us
into marrying them.

And then we'll get cake.

I see one tear, Fatty,
and I'm doing it again.

Good, you're not busy.

I need somebody to talk to.
I just...

I just love her so much!

Who?

The cashier at Booze Town.

You have a crush
on the liquor store girl?

Oh, heavens, yes.

That's why I need you to pretend
to be my girlfriend

so she'll get jealous and
want me for herself.

Roger, I-I'm not sure that'll...

Hayley, you gotta help, you just gotta.

Okay, I'll go down there with you.

God bless you.
You're an angel.

Now go dress like a woman.
I have heels if you need to borrow.

How's it coming, boys?

Have you pummeled each other
into manhood yet?

I can't reach it.

Don't get sun on me!

What in the name of Red Grange
is going on out here?

We were pretending the football
was a panda egg.

But then it rolled into the sun.

There's melanoma out there, Mr. Smith.

Moth! Moth!

It's going to leave dust on me.

Leave him.

He's as good as dead.

Boys, get out here. Now.

The sun's rays will bake you
to a leathern Willie Nelson crust.

But being outside is hard.

That's the point.

There are three simple rules of manhood.

A man is tough,

a man takes charge,

and a man never quits.

Let's set the rules to a soulful
a cappella melody.

A man takes charge,

a man is tough.

A man is tough.

There she is, Hayley.

Let's do a walk-by.

You got it,"lover."

God, baby, your back is so toned.

Oh, my lats.

Yeah, the electric can opener broke.

I've been opening them manually.

With these big, strong hands?

Ah, they make me feel so safe.

Thanks. Cans again.

I'll tell you the cans I like.

Oh, Sassy hands!

Don't just one cheek, girl.

Other side.

So? Do you think it worked?

Something worked.

Hayley, I'm no longer in love
with the booze girl.

I'm in love with you.

Shh...

I stole you Dentyne with
my big, strong hands.

Good, you're not busy.

Steve doesn't know how to be a man.

Who's going to take over
when I'm enjoying

a glorious Reagan-style
slide into dementia?

What do you think?
You're the smartest person I know.

I mean, I've always respected you,

even when you were drinking
and doing all that coke.

Oh, Stan, thank you.

Hmm?

Oh, oh, God.

Oh, oh, not you, Francine.
God, no.

No, I was talking to the photo
of George W. Bush.

Look at you.

A perfect specimen of a man,
swaggering across your ranch.

God, Tim Purcell always
got the best coke.

That's it.

That's how I'll make them into men.

Francine, bring those beautiful
lips over here so I can kiss them.

Oh, Stan.

Never mind, I can reach it.

Mmm.

Rise and shine, boys!

Tell Sally Swim suit-Dream you'll take
a rain check on those kisses.

Dad... it's 5:00 in the morning.

Let's move. The dawn of
manhood has arrived.

George Bush,

Ronald Reagan,

Mr. Jolly...

All ranchers.

All men.

Welcome to the Smith Man-Ranch.

You're cowboys now,
but when we're done,

you'll be cow-men.

So if any of you boys want
to cry or wet yourselves,

this is your last chance.

Good. Okay. This guy gets it.

You...

You filled our yard with cows?

Good eye. Nice ranching.

I got a great deal on these things.

They tenderize themselves.

Well, good luck, Steve.

We're going to Pancake Pete's.

It's Strawberry Saturday.

Nope, you're staying right here.

I cleared it with your parents.

Slim, that's your cowboy name...

Your mom said your therapist
thought it was a great idea.

Banzai,

your parents I couldn't understand.
I assume they're on board.

Tubs, your folks seemed not
to care much either way.

Almost surprised they had a kid.

Now let's get to work.

Not on Strawberry Saturday.

Your parents said I could hit you.

Hey...

Hey, you.

- Oh, hi, Roger.
- Not you.

Hey...

Hey, you.

Oh, hey, Roger.

Made you this.

It's a diorama of us...

riding the gondola
at the Venetian in Vegas.

Oh, wow.

I made you out of Twizzlers
'cause you're thin and sweet.

That's very nice.

Thanks, Roger.

She likes it.

What was that all about?

Oh, it's silly.
Roger's got a little crush on me.

Look, he says I'm the prettiest
girl in the house.

Roger.

Last time I checked,
I lived in this house, too.

Stop! Stop!

This is not what I pictured
when I was at the rope store.

It's hard.

Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe you'd rather go
inside and bake a souffl?.

Oh, God, yes. Thank you.

Dad, are we done?

Yeah, Mr. Smith, can we have some food?

Oh, absolutely.

Can't expect a rancher to ranch
on an empty stomach.

Boys...

Who would you say loves
the calf the most?

Oh, I do!

Rosey calms my dark places.

Terrific. Then it'll be you
who kills her.

What?

A man kills what a man loves,

before it weakens him.

You can't make me kill Rosey.

You boys sure you don't
want some Rosey?

- Mm-mm.
- No, no thanks.

Mmm. I'm eating the face right now.

Mmm. Good cut of face meat.

Her eyes said...

"Why?"

Yeah, you can still see
the look of betrayal.

Can't grill that off.

Uh, what are you doing?

Just sketching you nude wearing
the Heart of the Ocean.

I'm flattered,

but this infatuation,
it's getting a...

Wow, Frannie, look at you!

Thanks.

Just trying to look pretty 'cause,

you know,

I live in the house.

Check you out!

Bam and the bam!

The bop and the woo!

I thought you were drawing me.

I was, but I never realized your
mother had the wa-bam!

Uh, excuse me, Mom.

I was just about to take Roger
to Red Lobster.

- You were?
- Uh-huh.

Did you know they have
a new dipping sauce?

They do?

There isn't anything about it
in the Fresh Catch.

That's their e-bulletin.

I know that!

I was the one who told you about it!

Fronting like you're on the cutting
edge of Red Lobster news.

Anyway, I thought you and I could go.

Sure, Roger.

Or you and I could go to a bar.

Get rocked on Goldschlager
like grown-ups.

Oh, but Hayley's not old enough.

You know, I once made my own
Goldschlager by mixing Red Hots,

mouthwash and some tinfoil
from a chocolate Easter egg.

Surprisingly not good.

Boys?

What's going on?

Why aren't you working?

We don't like working.

We like watching cartoons.

Men don't do what they like.

Men get wives and jobs to keep
them from what they like.

Look, Dad,

we don't want to be men.

We're not tough,
we don't take charge,

and we love quitting.

And a yard full of cows
isn't gonna change that.

Mm-hmm.

We're going on a cattle drive?

That's right, son.

Making you ranchers in the backyard
was never gonna make you men.

What you need is a rite of passage.

Mr. Smith, my unicorn is broken.

We'll just take these cows across town
and drop them off at the slaughterhouse.

Just imagine how good it'll feel
to finish the job like men.

$500 a head?

I don't know about that, Banzai,
but we'll do all right.

We'll do all right.

Tough riding.

But nothing like a little Rosey
jerky to keep me going.

Boys?

I can't believe you killed her, Barry.

You're a cold son of a bitch.

Uhp. Doorbell's ready.

Hello, ma'am,

we're from the
Department of Agriculture.

It seems you were sold some cattle
tainted with mad cow disease.

My husband's taking them to
the slaughterhouse right now.

Good Lord! We have to stop him.

Ma'am, if you have any
of that tainted beef

throw it out.

It's crucial no one eats it.

It...

drives them mad.

You boys see these owls?

Get out of here, owls!

Stop pecking at my face!

I will not buy your encyclopedias!

I can't read your language,
I can only speak it!

Okay, that's weird.

You know, this would never happened
if we went to my house after school.

But no!

You guys are too creeped
out by my mom's wooden foot.

You know most people
throw away the oof.

Never understood it.

None for you, owls!

All right, boys,

on to the slaughterhouse.

I think it's possible there just might
be something wrong with your dad.

Oh, yeah? There's something
wrong with your dad, too.

Your dad left you!

Uh, I'm not comparing dads.

I'm just saying yours is in his
underwear swatting at invisible owls.

Oh, yeah.

Let me look into that.

Dad, is everything okay?

Couldn't be better.

Nature...

have you ever seen
anything more beautiful?

Well, my son is a sissy
with a Japanese friend

But they're gonna be men
when the cattle drive ends

Just one last canyon we must cross

And we'll serve these cows
with a barbecue sauce

Nothing like a cattle drive,
as every father knows

Prairie dog and jackrabbits
stop and say hello

Hey, Stan!

Hello, friend!

Join me on the yodel, fellas.

Come a-ti yiyippy yippy
yea yippy yea

Come a-ti yi yippy yippy yea

Great job, Stan.

Terrific.

Come a-ti yiyippy yippy yea.

Dad, why are you dancing with a beer
box and a Filet of Fish wrapper?

Happy trails, friends.

All right, boys, all we got to do

is cross that river,
and we'll be home free.

Dad, that's not a river.

That's a highway!

Steve, take off that lobster costume
and start wrapping our gear in plastic.

We don't want it to get wet
when we cross.

This is crazy, Steve.
Your dad is gonna kill us all.

Your dad shot your mom
in the face with a flare gun!

I'm-I'm sorry, Snot.
I don't mean to keep going there.

We gotta stop him!

All right, relax, relax.

We'll, we'll just relieve
him of command.

Huddle up.

Okay, Barry,

you're gonna approach him from the
front, complaining of a tummy ache.

When he reaches out to hit you,

Toshi and Snot,

you guys grab his arms and pull them
back as hard as you can.

I'll then take this rock and keep
striking him until he's quiet.

- You guys ready?
- Ready.

I am so frightened.

He's much bigger,
than you made him look in the dirt.

Damn it. Who are we kidding?
We're not men.

We're puny little bunnies
and that's all we'll ever be.

All right, men, saddle up!

I'll blaze the trail,
you follow with the cattle.

Meet ya on the other side! H'yah!

Dad, no!

Those logs are gonna fall!

Let's call a teacher!

There's no time.

He may be crazy, but he's my dad.

Moths.

Why did it have to be moths?

H'yah!

I can't watch.

Hang on, Steve!

I can't...

hold it.

Now we can forget about this
stupid cattle drive and go home!

No.

Rule number three:

a man never quits.

We're gonna bring
these cattle to slaughter!

Toshi, I-I think, I think this is yours.

- Oh, mine had the white band.
- Mine is a hat.

Wow!

Hayley, look at you.

Ding-ding.

Technical knock out.
Francine, doesn't she look terrific?

Neh.

Come on, look at that body.
Young.

Firm.
Everything's where it should be.

I guess she is the prettiest
one in the house.

Oh, really?

'Cause all I see are... tissue-boobs!

Fakies!

Well, you know what I see?

Crow's feet!

Age-defying make-up!

- Hag!
- Tramp!

Ladies, please, no violence.

Get off of me, you cow!

I'll spit in your lazy eye!

I had that corrected!

I can still tell!

I can't condone this.

You love each other, remember?

These are here if you want 'em.

Bite her, Hayley!
Scratch her eyes out, Francine!

- What are you doing?
- Perfect.

I think I got enough.

Enough?

Enough for what?

Why, for
mother-daughter-catfight-dot-com.

You submit footage of your
best mother-daughter scratch-fest,

and they send you a free T-shirt.

You...

You set all this up?

The liquor store girl?

The diorama?

Just for a T-shirt?

Mm-hmm.

I think I'm gonna get a medium.

I know I'm a large but
I'm gonna get a medium.

We...

We became animals.

Oh, and for the record.
I'm the prettiest one in the house.

There it is!

Stop!

See, I told you we had time
for ice cream.

We just couldn't eat it there.

You boys can't do this!

No boys here.

Only men.

Let's get these doggies home!

H'yah!

No! Stop!

We did it!

Those cows will infect the entire herd.

You've tainted the whole beef supply!

Maybe it won't spread.

I, sir, will not stay at a Red Roof Inn.

So, that's how it happened.

My fever went down about a week later.

Sir, in all my years of attending
beef safety hearings,

that is the wildest story
I've ever heard.

Your irresponsible actions resulted in
100,000 head of cattle being put down.

It's clear to me that you
deserve punishment

to the fullest extent of the law.

Wait!

Frank, that fat child has an opinion.

Maybe Mr. Smith is crazy,

but Mr. Smith also taught me
to be tough.

That's right.

Mr. Smith taught us about
never giving up,

and acting like men.

Maybe a cattle drive through a city
wasn't the best idea,

but my dad showed us what
it means to take charge.

And when we needed to

we were ready.

Thanks to him.

Still...

Toshi, tell 'em!

I didn't understand a word
of that funny talk...

but it was clearly a touching tribute
to you as a mentor, Mr. Smith.

You taught these boys manhood.

And that's worth all
the cows in the world.

All charges dropped.

Thanks, Dad.

You made me proud, son.

Subtitles : Fogia
Transcript : Raceman