American Dad! (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - I Can't Stan You - full transcript

American Dad !
"I Can't Stan You"

Subtitles : Fogia

Transcript : Raceman

Attention, everyone.

We are opening our offices for a
totally unrestricted inspection.

Therefore, each of you will
need to take home

and hide one of our many illegal items.

- All right!
- Awesome!

I hope ponies are illegal!

First up...

a life-size Margaret Thatcher robot.



Ooh, ooh, sir, sir, over here!

Sanders, she's all yours.

- Yes!
- Oh, man.

Europe was created by history,

America by philosophy.

The mouth on this one.

Whoo!

Okay, next.

God's autograph.

Hup-bup-bup.

- Protestants only.
- Aw!

Enjoy.

And a machine
that turns water into cocaine.

I'll just hang onto this.



Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go party my
nose clean off my face.

Sort out the rest yourselves.

- Look out!
- What's in that one?

That's mine. I called it!

No, it's not! It's mine!

Oh, it's a disintegrator?

I thought it was a penis enlarger.

That almost went horribly wrong.

Madame... Madame...

Madame...

Ma... okay I'll just let you talk.

Oh, you done?

Okay, I will repeat myself
one more time.

I was making my grandchildren
some of your French onion soup,

I poured the contents
of the can into a saucepan,

and out plops a human finger.

Now, the stress of this incident
has given me walking nightmares,

street terrors, diabetes
and hysterical pregnancy.

Now, I am going to require
a substantial cash settlement

somewhere in the amount of...

whatever one of those
ionic breeze machines costs.

My address is... Huh?

Do I have the finger?

Uh...

Damn!

The Lipton woman outfoxed me again.

Honey, look what I got.

Oh, what is that stuff?

It's CIA-grade, high-tech, highly
illegal surveillance equipment.

Check it out, it's so sensitive
you can hear a moth fart.

Open a tiny window, moth.

How much fun is this thing, huh?

Very fun, Stan.

But we really need to get going
to the Memari's barbecue.

Or...

or we could sit here in our underpants,
drink scotch and listen to the barbecue.

Um...

I'm actually kind of hungry.

You're right, it wouldn't be fair
to the neighbors, they love me.

I'll stop by and make their week.

Turn the chicken crap they call
their lives into chicken salad.

The good kind...

with grapes.

Whoa, moth.
What the hell did you eat?

A poncho?

Get it?

'Cause Mexican clothes are like
Mexican food for moths.

We really should get over there;
I'm on fire.

What else can I do? What else can I do?
Oh!

Oh, oh, I've got it:

Finger in a Hot Pocket.

Oh, wait, still need a finger.

Look at Steve.

Living by the sweat of his brow.

Working hard to earn an honest buck.

What a douche.

Doing a bang up job, son.

Thank you, Mr. Holworthy.

Now, I'm going to a neighborhood party.

Not sure if I'm invited.

All I know is I have a casserole dish
filled with mousetraps

and I'm going.

There, I've done it.

I'm an old man and
I've said a crazy thing.

Oh my God, I have fallen!

Roger, are you okay?

No!

Yes. Play along.

I'm gonna squeeze this old coot
for some quick cashish.

Ow! Ouchie! Ow!

Wha-What's going on?

I'm Steve's cousin.

I tripped on your walkway
and I need compensation.

I'll take a check.

And I'll need two forms of I.D.

Passport's okay or a utility bill
with your current...

You know what, you're boring me.
Make it a thousand, cash.

Roger, please don't do this.

Mr. Holworthy's always been
very sweet to me.

As sweet as owning that Playstation
you've been lusting after?

Back me up and I'll buy it for you.

Steven, you're a trust worthy young man.

Is your cousin on the up and up?

Mr. Holworthy,

I have to tell you the truth...

Lying is awesome!

So just to show him I'm not
a hard-hearted man,

I bought all his oranges,
I bought all his walnuts,

then I had him deported.

Everyone knows the juiciest fruit
is bought on the roadside.

Why, hello, Lisa.

Stan, Francine,

this is Jarred, my current lover.

Mommy met Jarred at Black Angus
while we waited in the car.

Is that right?

Well, aren't you a little...
Bam!

Just kidding, partner.

You know sometimes in life
you meet people who... Bam!

Ah! Gotcha again.

Deuce.

Deuce. Two times.

Well, come along, kids.

You can play house while
Jarred and I fornicate

on your father's old weight bench.

Quirky.

Aw, are people heading home already?

Afraid so, Bob, you see
I've got very busy... Bam!

Dead kid!

Mama's crying as she takes
your crayon drawings off the fridge.

Francine, that was just what I needed.

I'm surrounded by neighbors who love me.

Beloved.

I feel I am beloved.

Nurse! I'm ready for my bath.

Who's there?

Santa?

That's Mr. Holworthy.

I must have forgotten to turn off
my surveillance equipment.

Did you enjoy the barbecue, sir?

Yes.

Except for Stan Smith's
interminable yammering.

I thought his stories would never end.

But that's the surprise.

You think my stories won't end,
but they do.

How could he...

how could he say such things?

Doesn't he know everyone loves me?

Stan, maybe it's not right
to listen in on...

Shh. I got the Memariss.

Did you see Stan filling
his pockets- with shrimp?

I mean, what kind of cheap
bastard does that?

Bob...

No...

Why does Stan always
show us his class ring?

Because when stupid people
get nervous,

they talk about shiny things.

But gay men are never catty.

What's happening here?
Somebody must like me.

And what kind of an idiot points
a loaded gun at a child?

I made lemonade and fudge!

I know, Johnny, but please,
mommy's almost there.

All Smith does is talk.
He doesn't know how to listen.

- He's a pig-headed...
- No-neck...

Jackass!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, I'm not beloved.

I'm hated.

I'm surrounded by people who hate me.

It's our wedding all over again.

Except I'm you.

My God, everybody hates me.

I feel like a Jew outside
of New York or Los Angeles.

Hey, why don't we throw
a party of our own?

You know, to show them that
they're wrong about you.

That's a brilliant idea.

We should form a think tank.

What with your ability
to come up with ideas

and my ability to asses their worth.

We should call it "Thoughts Unlimited."

That's terrible.

All right, Steve, we are moments away

from getting a life time supply of
whatever the hell it is they sell here.

Awesome.

So here's what I think we should do.

- You go...
- Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

You don't get paid to think,

you get paid to look honest.

Cup of your hottest coffee, please.

Remember, you're the face,
I'm the brain.

Oh, this cup is irresponsibly hot!

Oh, my face!

Ow!

Exactly.

Don't worry, buddy.
We'll get you fixed up.

This wasn't properly anchored.

There.

This should show people
you're not cheap.

I put out lobster,

caviar and a bowl of ten dollar bills.

Nice work.

What kind of caviar?

See? See what I did there?

I asked a follow-up question.

I'm listening.

Here they are. Wish me luck.

Hello, everybody.

Please, come in and talk about
yourselves at length.

Ooh, shrimp! And caviar!

Is there dip for the ten dollar bills?

Johnny.

Bam!

Ah, it's an eclair.

Delicious, not deadly.

Ah, we're having fun now.

So, Lisa, who is this handsome
new piece of arm candy?

This is Bjorn, my Norwegian lover.

We hooked up at the Arco while
the kids were pumping gas.

How interesting I find that.

Please continue.

Well, I go inside and there's this
gorgeous guy buying a pretzel.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Now, you might notice
he smells like fish.

Well, that's because
his father owns a herring farm.

Oh!

People don't realize there are over
300 types of herring.

The blue herring,

the light blue herring,

the medium blue herring,

which is really only
a juvenile lightblue herring...

Well, thanks for the party.

Thank you for the fascinating story about
the shoes you couldn't decide between.

Let me know how it turns out.

-Thanks again. - Bye-bye.
- Thank you.

Thank you for coming.

I think you did it.

I know I did it.

I am the hit of the neighborhood.

Our neighbors love me.

Stan Smith is...

Still a complete jackass.

Bob, no!

He kept asking about my shoes!

I mean, come on,
I'm wearing other things.

And the way Stan stared at me
when I was talking.

Like he'd never eaten
a lavender herring.

Smith was so phony.

Like my children's love.

Turn it off! Turn that thing off!

Oh, Stan, who cares what they think?

I love you and that's all that matters.

To you maybe.

Francine, I will make
these people like me.

As God is my witness,
I will be beloved.

Attention, neighbors!

An important part of any
relationship is vulnerability.

So I will now share with you painful
and embarrassing chapters from my life.

Age seven:

I put my little cousin's doll in a river
and watched it float away.

When she cried, I called her
"Little Sally Crypants."

I don't know why I did it.

Age 11:

When my parents wouldn't
let me have a fourth cupcake,

I burned down their summer home.

When caught, I framed
my favorite grandfather.

I don't know why I did it.

Age 15:

I put a bunch of flies in a blender...

Attention, neighbors, it's me again!

I found a book at
Barnes & Noble that says,

"The path to true friendship
is paved with selfless generosity."

Accordingly, I am now going
to paint all of your houses at once.

That's lead-based paint!

Don't let your kids lick it!

Hey, hey, hey, everybody!
It's your favorite neighbor!

Oh, my God, it's him.

Hey, look at that dangerous pool.

Johnny!
Happy Birthday, dude!

- Are these rocks?
- Not just any rocks.

Pocket rocks!

You keep 'em in your pockets.
They only workin your pockets.

That's how you know
you got pocket rocks.

Happy Birthday!

Oh, my God,

Johnny fell in the pool playing
with his new birthday present.

Whoever saves him will
certainly be beloved,

for he who is not afraid to risk life
and limb for a neighbor in need...

My baby!

Unhand that child,

underwater molester clown.

You need to go.

Hi. I have to sell my house because
my neighbors don't like me.

Yes, that's the only reason.

Well, I guess you and I have
different definitions of silly.

Remind me never to go
to the circus with you.

We'd have nothing to talk about.

Hey, where are you guys going?

Taking Maggie for a long weekend
to the CIA beach house.

- The CIA has a beach house?
- We do now.

Congress is letting the CIA
seize any property

that could help us
in the war on terror.

- And this is cool with Bullock?
- Don't know.

Nobody's seen him for days.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie,

Charlie, listen to me.
Charlie, Charlie!

What's your name again?

Wow! So we can just seize
anybody's house we want?

Hey, what...
What are you doing?!

CIA. Your house has been seized
to help in the war on terror.

How's our house going
to help in the war on terror?

That's classified,
but it's going to help a lot.

There should be no more terror
at all very soon.

You will each receive a coupon good for
five nights stay at the Cornfield Motel.

The Cornfield Motel...

providing you all the comfort
and elegance of corn.

Honey, good news.

The neighbors no longer hate me,

because they're no longer our neighbors.

In other words, there goes
the neighborhood.

Ordinarily, that would have
racist implications,

but I've actually done
something far worse.

You evicted all our neighbors?!

It's their fault.
I tried to be nice.

I bared my soul, I painted their houses.
I drowned their kids.

Dad, you can't just uproot
people from their homes.

She's right. You're insane.
This man is insane.

Oh, am I?

Would an insane man try to drink you?

Rose! Rose!

- Stan, stop it!
- He called me crazy.

Nobody criticizes me! Nobody!

Honey...

No one's criticizing you.

We're your family.

Well, things can happen
to families, too!

Bad things!

No, no, I'm just locked out.

I don't know how I got out here.

Steve, go put on a tie.
We're going to the Four Seasons

so you can drink kerosene
and puke on yourself.

Roger, I've got an idea.

- We...
- Face, face, face.

I know.

I know I'm not the Brain,
but just hear me out.

Instead of me getting my ass kicked
in all these nickel-and-dime cons,

what do you say we go for one big
score and then call it quits?

If we can pull this off,
we'll each make 50 grand.

50 grand?

Face, that's catch-your-dream money,
that's what that is.

So what's the scam?!

You must be the Hannigans.

Maurice Barns, All-Star Realty.
You're gonna love this house.

Here you go. I'm also
a singer, songwriter.

I'm playing a gig at Sarah's
Coffee House next Thursday.

Plugging my new self-released CD.
Real soul-searching. Heavy stuff.

Buy the house, don't buy the house,
you're comped either way.

Don't let it influence your decision.

My mother killed herself
when I was 12. Track four.

One of the paramedics molested me
on the way to the morgue.

It's all in the liner notes.

Come in, come in, come in.

Now, I love these built-ins.
You don't see these anymore.

And these are walls.

You know, when people say
"the walls are closing in on them"?

Well, this is what they're referring to.
So, do we have a deal?

Why is there a half-eaten
mealon the table?

It almost looks like the occupants were

forcibly dragged out
in the middle of dinner.

Oh, you can do the kitchen
however you want.

Oh, look! Another serious buyer.

Hello. I'm another serious buyer.

But you're so young.

How could you possibly
afford this house?

- Remember the kid from Jerry Maguire?
- Yes. - Of course.

Well, he pays me to call hotels
before his arrival

to ensure they have pillows that
can support his massive head.

I do quite well.

Which is why I'm prepared
to offer you $99,000.

- And not a penny more.
- Oh, yeah?

Let me see the cash.

I don't need to see the cash.

Well, Hannigan, what's it going to be?

You gonna offer me 100 K,

or are you going to let
Jonathan Lipnicki's bitch

make you look like a punk
in front of your hot wife?

Well, are you?

What are we going to do about Dad?

He's completely lost it.

Shh! If he hears us, he'll send us
all to the Cornfield Motel!

Well, we have to do something.
We can't keep living like this.

Oh, mein Gott!

He has heard everything!

You were criticizing me!

And, if you criticize me,
then you don't love me.

And if you don't love me,
then you must hate me!

Just like the neighbors!

Oh, no!

Stan, you can't do this!

Oh, good! Criticize me more.
That worked well the first time.

I am a rock. I am an island.

I am incontinent.

Get it? Sounds like "continent."

Geez, Frank. It's called a breath mint.

Did that couple's check clear?

Yep. 50 grand for you, 50 for me.

You realize we can't speak to one
another for a long time.

Don't try to find me.

But if I hear that you die before me,

I'll leave a rose on your
grave every year.

Well, every five years.

Once.

I'll think of you.

I won't.

We are so pleased you have chosen
to purchase your own restaurant

in the Se?or Toad's family.

Ribbit!

It's like ol?.

Anyways, here is your official
Se?or Toad's sombrero,

and your complimentary fire
extinguisher that shoots tequila.

Is this...

- heaven?
- No. It's Mexico.

That makes sense,
'cause it smells like Mexico.

Now, all that remains
is your franchise fee of $50,000.

Of course.

This is just a photocopy
of a 14-year-old boy's butt.

What is the meaning of this?!

"Dear Roger, you taught me well."

"Perhaps a little too well."

"You told me that everyone's
either a sucker, a crook,"

"or just plain greedy."

"I guess you were all three."

"As for you, old friend,
I think you'll like Mexico."

"It's a lot like America..."

"on Opposite Day."

"Adios, sucker.

- "The Brain."
- So...

The Face becomes The Brain.

And The Brain is stuck
in Mexico without a penny.

I must plan my next move carefully.

Ah! This is how life should be.

No one to criticize me.

No one to disagree.

No one to...

Help me!

Johnny, you...

You saved my life.

- I thought you hated me.
- What?

Why would you think that?

I heard what you said about me.
I was eavesdropping.

I heard what everyone said.
It was...

uncomplimentary.

Mr. Smith, people talk smack
about each other all the time.

- You're not the only one.
- I'm not?

Come with me.

I just ran into Holworthy
at the ice machine.

He had food on his neck.
How long has that been there?

That Linda Memari
is one hairy woman.

I felt like Jane Goodall
just talking to her.

Lisa Collins is such a skank.

Let's make a list of people
she hasn't slept with.

You. Me.

Let's go to dinner.

Wow, Johnny. You're right.

Everyone hates everyone.

- So I'm not despised.
- No more than anyone else.

You know, you're a real
bright kid, Johnny.

I gotta say, I've lived in this
neighborhood for a long time and... Bam!

Dead kid in the cornfield!
Crows pecking out your eyes!

Mama can't find you for weeks!

- You're an ass, Mr. Smith.
- And you're funny-looking.

We're pals.

Subtitles : Fogia
Transcript : Raceman