American Dad! (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Vacation Goo - full transcript

American Dad!
"The Vacation Goo"

Synchro: Superbiagi
Resync : Fogia

Francine, the meal looks delicious.

Thank you, Klaus.

I'm starting a new family
tradition of Sunday night dinners.

Wunderbar!

Wait, only four place settings?

Oh, no. That-that's cool.
That's cool.

I, I'm, I'm supposed to
hang with my chick anyway.

She's been bugging me to spend more
time with her and she...

doesn't exist.



Franny, I need you to run lines with me.

I'm going up for a part
on The Ghost Whisperer.

- What?
- Oh, I didn't tell you?

Yeah, I'm gonna become the
greatest actor of all time.

Okay, let's do this.

"Some say you're a ghost whisperer.

"Well, if you truly
are a ghost whisperer,

then you'll let me
talk to my dead wife!"

Not now, Roger.

Dinner's ready!

Oh, Franny.

It's so awful the way they treat you.

I'm just trying to do
something nice for...

Damn it! I still can't cry on cue.



I'm gonna go work on it.

What, no dinner?

You're a terrible wife and mother.

Everyone ran off last
week before I could explain

the point of Sunday night dinner,
which is to reconnect as a family.

And when your father
gets home, we'll do just that.

Hi, I'll take a roast beef to go and
a medium Mr. Pibb, no ice. Fantastic.

Stan, get inside right now and
have dinner with your family!

Well, if that's your attitude, I don't know
why you people even have a drive-through.

Didn't get Whisperer.
Casting director's a whore.

She hates me, but I'm up for Medium.

The writing's more complex on this one.

"Some say you're a
medium.

"Well, if you truly are a medium, then
you'll let me talk to my dead wife!"

Roger, not now!

Dream killer!

Ahh!

Why can't I cry?

Stan! The family is trying to bond
and we would appreciate your help.

Right, kids?

I can't, Jeff.

I'm having stupid dinner
with my stupid family.

You see, Stan? Our family's drifting apart!

All right, Francine, just relax.
I know exactly what we need.

It's time for a Smith family vacation.

Yeah, we always have the
best time on vacation.

Dad, can we goto Graceland?!

Steve, if you want to pay your respects

to a fat man who died on the toilet,
we can visit your Aunt Mary's grave.

This place is amazing.

I love you all so much.

Family hug!

Ah, you were right, Stan.

This vacation is exactly what we needed.

Hel-lo!

Roger?!

Wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey!

Roger, what's going on?

Oh, I woke you up because I
need to borrow your blue dress.

I've decided to go out
for parts as a woman.

It just came to me, out of nowhere,

when I was watching
Tootsie last night on AMC.

Then they showed Arachnophia.

Not what I would call an
"American Movie Classic."

No, Roger. Why are we in these things?.

Oh. The goo.Yeah.

Well, every year, Stan checks out these
artificial memory chambers from the CIA,

plops you suckers in and
then programs a great vacancy.

This year's Maui. Sweet.

Did you get me one of
those"Hang Loose" T-shirts?

See? 'Cause you didn't really go.

But if we're in here, where's Stan?

Come on, Georgetown!

Hoy-as!
Hoy-as!

Hoy-as,
Hoy-as, Hoy-as.

Hoy-as,
Hoy-as, Hoy--

There's an old German saying:
"Don't blame the fish."

There are other sayings, but
they, um, mostly involve genocide.

Let me get this straight.

All our vacantions, the only thing

that ever brought this family together
have been a big, fat, fake lie?

Yes!

Yes to you, and yes to the game.

How did you get us into those vats?

Well, uh, remember how every year I
cook our annual pre-vacation pancakes?

Stan, aren't you excited to
go to the Galapagos Islands?

Can't wait.

Now, eat up.

Then I gingerly carry
your bodies downstairs...

...strip you down, put you in the goo and
program the greatest family vacation ever.

So, that time in Mexico, when you and I went
hang gliding and you told me you loved me?

Neither of those things ever happened.

Why would you do this?

Well, I wanted you all
to have good memories,

but my idea of a vacation is a
vacation away from you people.

That's terrible!

Stan, we are going on a real vacation
and this family is going to bond!

We could go skiing!

Or, here's analternate pitch.

Uh, stay here, watch the Duke game...

Just hear me out... I order
boneless wings from KFC...

Hang on to that thought...

I take a long bath and then, wait
for it...none of you are here.

Or... just hear me out...

we stay home and for the
rest of our lives together,

every time you doze offI
slam a book on your testicles.

Did someone say skiing?!

Yes. I, I did.

I'm so nervous.

This is my first soap opera audition.

Oh, my God, I didn't see you there!

You make absolutely
no impression at all.

Betty Bea Getty McClanahan?

We're ready for you.

- Good luck.
- Oh! Oh! You did it again.

Darling, I swear, put a bell
around your neck or something.

Yes, Mr. Shershow, I may have
left Sunrise Valley a girl,

but I can assure you I return
a confident, sexy woman,

who can shoe a horse
and please her man!

Yes! We have found our Miss Fiona.

My dream has come true.

You humble me. I am humbled.

Excuse me.

Go home, bitches!
Show's over! I nailed it!

Oh, what a day.

Perfect powder, the slopes were empty.

Family hug!

Sorry, I need this outlet to plug in
the "Tempest"machine I bought on eBay.

Stan!

I didn't do this. Where's Steve?

Don't get me wrong, I
like the Berenstein Bears.

I just wouldn't want one of
them marrying my daughter.

Hmm. Indeed.

Steve!

How could you put us in the goo?

Dad had the right idea.

I need time away from you people, too.

Okay, enough of this.

Clearly the men in this
house can't be trusted.

Hayley, come on.
You and I are gonna plan a real trip.

You undressed me?

Huh? Oh, no. Toshi did.

It's so hot, Brock.

Oh, you'll get used to it, Miss Fiona.

Well, I... I'm pregnant!

Pregnant!

Wah... Wah...

Cut!

What the hell, Jerry?!

I need you to make the crying
a little more convincing.

You think I can't cry?

I can cry.

I cried when I read this dreck.

Who wrote it, an illiterate
Irishman's Polish monkey?

Uh, I did,

I quit.

If you quit, I'll see to it you
never workin this town again.

Let me explain you something
about showbusiness, Jerry.

It's a business and I am the
greatest actor of all time.

- What's your name?
- Parker.

Lunch was late today!

Attach stabilizing rod
B to ankle constraint A.

We should have just paid
the guy to put this together.

Hayley!

I can't believe you put us in the goo.

What's the big deal? We planned to
go to Italy, so I sent you to Italy.

You're missing the point!

All I wanted was to have
dinner once in a while

and spend some real time
together, but you know what?

I'm done. Done!
And you know why?

Because you are an ass family.

If someone asked me
who lived in this house,

I'd say "the Asses!"and I'd be right!

I just... I don't...

I don't know why it has to...

Hey, Mr. S, you want to help
strap me into this thing?

Francine, you were right.
We've been horrible.

But we're gonna make it up to you.

We booked a cruise and
we're leaving in an hour.

You're just gonna put me in the goo.

No, we're not. Honey, look.

I'm returning the goo
chambers to the CIA.

Ma'am! Don't get any of that goo
on you, it'll rot out your womb!

Oh, my God, we are
going on a real vacation!

The only goo you're gonna
see is "goo-d" times.

It was a stretch, but I
made it work, didn't I, kids?

- No.
- That's right.

Remember, the winning family gets
100 cruise points, no cash value!

I want those valueless cruise points.

Smiths win!

Yes!

I'm gonna go sign us up
for face-painting class.

Steve, you're gonna be a rabbit.

Hayley, you're gonna be a
squirrel, and I'm gonna be a panda!

I can't take this cruise anymore.

I'll tell you something:
I am at my limit!

Here is the line, and
here's face painting, 'kay?

Yeah, yeah, try and paint my face.

Come at me with a
brush, see what happens.

I miss the goo.

Kids, I know this is torture,
but we owe it to your mother

to pretend to have a
great time as a family.

So let's turn it up a notch.

- Okay.
- Fine.

Come on, Hayley, let's go to the bar.

Steve, you stay here and
cool off with a charley horse.

Huh?

Hi, I'm Becky, cruise
activities director.

I'm Steve.

I have five friends on MySpace and
I'm waiting for approval from a sixth.

- You're cute.
- Oh.

In a harmless little
brother kind of way, right?

No, in an "I've taken a lot of
boys' virginity" kind of way.

What a day for our family!

Family!

You guys sure are having a good time.

Of course we are!
That's what families do!

They have good times! To family!

Family!

Francine, guess what tonight is?

Sunday. We're about to finally have

that special Sunday
night dinner you wanted.

Hi, Steve. Want to introduce
me to your family?

Family!

Why didn't you guys do it that time?

I thought we were done with it.

Hey, everyone, this is Becky.

She works on the boat.

Your son is 14 going on me.

Okay, something's not right here.

You're all too happy,
you keep yelling "Family!"

Family!

How does it feel?

Not so good, huh?

And now a thin girl is crazy for Steve?

Uh-uh. I don't buy it.

You put me in the goo again.

Francine, I swear on the lives
of our future grandchildren

that only Steve will be able
to give us, this is real.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Fantastic Cruises Dinner Theater

proudly presents some poor soul
on the downswing of their career

doing "A Tribute to
Olivia Newton-John!"

Here you go, ma'am.
I talked to the chef.

There's no cream in the
soup, just like you asked for.

Roger's playing Olivia Newton-John
on our cruise ship?!

Oh, this has goo written all over it!

Honey, no! You saw them
take those machines away.

I promise, this is real.

Oh, yeah? Well, if it's real,
then I probably shouldn't do this.

I'm sorry, sir.
She thinks she's in the goo.

Francine came back here!

Mom, get down from there!

I'll see you all in the
living room in a minute!

I'm in the goo!

You're not in the goo!

And you have the room key!

Becky, thanks for
getting us this lifeboat.

I mean, life boobs.

Wait...no, no, I was right.

Stan!

Oh, Francine! Thank God you're okay.

You know, while I was out
there, I made a promise to God.

I said, if He saved me,
I'd dedicate my life to Him.

Obviously, I'm not going to do that.

I'm starved. Did you bring any food?

Didn't need to. The
ship's got plenty of food.

Oh, so you told the
ship to come back for us?

Yeah... that would've been the call.

I'm sure Roger will
get them to come back.

How dare you treat a lady like this!

We caught you stealing silverware.

I did nothing of the kind!

Okay, okay, I took your silverware.

But, in all fairness, you ran out of the
mango shrimp salad two brunches in a row.

So who's the real thief here?

Both. Both of us.

You seem to be in distress.

I just can't catch a break.

And I don't have any money to get home.

You know, I'm an actress,
and I'm amazing.

Really? My cousin runs a
small performance space.

Perhaps he could use you.

Ooh, the theater!
That's where I cut my teeth.

Trottin' the boards with Phil...

Seymour Hoffman.

Oh, "shantay."

Oh, Equus!

We haven't eaten in four days.

Damn it, Mom, why couldn't you
jump off the boat after dinner?

This isn't my fault.

I just wanted us to
spend sometime together!

Steve's hiding food!

No! It's just a picture
I took with some grapes.

- Give it to me!
- Share it! You have to share it!

No!

What are we going to do
for pictures of food now?!

Look!

A house.

We're saved!

I'm going to go check out the situation.

And you guys can check
out my ass as I walk away.

I think you'll be pleased.

Hi. We landed on your beach.

They better have food up there.

If they have any chocolate sauce,
I'll let you lick it off me.

Oh, no, thanks.

My mom doesn't like me to eat chocolate.

But maybe some nice carob
paste or some hummus?

Okay, here's the deal:

- they're going to hunt us.
- What?

The guy said we had a
20-minute head start,

and then they're going to
hunt us down like animals.

That doesn't sound right.

Yeah, now that I said it out loud,
it does sound a little strange.

I'm going to go see what's going on.

Hi. I'm Francine.

My husband seems to think that you
are going to hunt us down like animals.

Yep.

Okay, then.

Look, that cloud there looks like
one of those old-fashioned phones.

Yeah, and that string of clouds
next to it looks like the cord.

Yes, that's a good addition.
That does look like a cord.

It's real! It's real! Get out of my way!

- I'm exhausted.
- I'm starving.

- Steve has a charley horse.
- Huh?

We should all spend
the night here and rest.

Mr. Smith, you light a fire,

and I'll... I'll catch rain water
with one of these plant leaves.

Becky!

- She's gone.
- No!

- We're trapped!
- I'll get us out.

Oh! I'm too weak from hunger.

I used my last bit of energy
giving Steve that charley horse.

Worth it.

We are going to die in here!

I can't believe starving to
death is how I'm going out.

I thought for sure I'd
shoot myself in my study.

Stop it! No one is going to die.

But, mom, there's no way out, and
there's nothing in this cave we can eat.

Actually, there is one thing.

Good Lord, Francine!

Oh, my God, Mom, that's disgusting!

Of course it is.

But I'm not going to stand
by and watch my family perish!

This is the first real vacation
we've taken together,

and it sure as hell is
not going to be the last!

Now, who's with me?

Francine, you've clearly gone insane.

I'm not even going to
entertain that idea.

Kids, you want to play "20
Questions" until we die?

I'm thinking of a person.

- Ronald Reagan?
- Damn!

Is this a nickel?

Someone threw a nickel!

Oh! Oh! Cold!

Eddie, what's become of me?

I was going to be the
greatest actor of all time,

but instead, I've hit rock bottom.

Actually, this is the bottom.

Meet Se?or Hidalgo.

You will be having unpleasant
sex with him tonight.

What? Oh, my God!

This can't be happening.
What am I doing here?

I... I miss my house. I miss my family.

I just want to go home.

I just want to close my eyes and,
when I open them, I'll be home, okay?

Se?orita, no, no. Do not cry.

Never before have I been so moved.

Here. Take this money.

Go... Go start a new life for yourself,

far away from this place
and my indiscriminate boner.

Oh, thank you.Thank you, sir!

Bless you! Bless you!

I did it. I can finally cry on cue.

I truly am the greatest
actor of all time!

Oh, thank God I'm out of that jam.

Whew!

Gonna be a long trip home.

Maybe I'll just stop in
here for a little drink.

Okay, that's it.
Let's do it. Let's eat her.

Steve!

Stan, he's choosing life.
There's no shame in that.

Hayley!

I've eaten macrobiotic
burritos. I can eat this.

Stan, we either do this
as a family or not at all.

No! Don't you get it?
She's a human being!

A human being with a name!

Becky Arangino. She's from Seattle.

She's five-foot-four.
She's...

an organ donor.

Okay, I'll say it.

I'll say what we're all thinking.

We ate a person. We did.

But I'll say another thing.

It's Sunday night, and we
finally had a family dinner.

And you know what?

It was nice.

Ready?

It's paint.

All right! Yeah!

Red team wins!

We're not dead.

Of course not. No one
dies here at Jimmy Buffet's

Most Dangerous Game Family Retreat.

Man, it took us two days to find you.

You must be starving!

Hey, weren't there five of you?

Well...

Nothing bonds a family
like a dark, horrible secret.

So where do you guys
want to go next year?

To the goo!

To the goo!