American Dad! (2005–…): Season 17, Episode 9 - Episode #18.1 - full transcript
Vape pods, one-hitters,
Goldschlager!
I can't tell you how
disappointed I am in all of you.
Where's the good stuff?!
I've got a flight to Cabo
in forty minutes!
Principal Lewis has no right
to invade our privacy like this.
Relax. We're gonna
be lousy with privacy
all summer down at the hole.
You guys got something
special planned for break?
Snot and I spend every summer
at a super secret
swimming hole outside town,
just working on our slack shack,
catching fish,
and practicing make-outs
on a smooth log we hauled
out of a beaver dam.
Can I come?
Sorry, Billy.
Not even Barry or Toshi
know about the old hole.
And it's not on any map.
Well, there's a lyrical map...
That we vowed never to repeat
in front of other people.
I could just hum you the melody.
I'm good.
Fine, words and everything!
Smith!
What's with the fish?!
I'm sorry, Steve. I smuggled
myself in your backpack.
The lunch ladies throw
a killer end-of-the-year party
and make a timpano
out of everything
that's left in the cafeteria.
Last year, there was
a whole kid in there.
He was delicious.
Hmm.
A fish that parties and
isn't afraid to bend the rules?
Good. You're with me.
I'm taking your pet as
my emotional support animal.
BRRIIIIING!
That's the bell.
Lose yourself
to the summer, bitches!
Aah!
No, no, no!
The slack shack!
We gotta call the cops!
And tell them what?
That somebody threw a party
out in the woods?
I was wrong! -We need
to leave! -What is it?
Did you see a Ziploc and think
it was a jellyfish again?
Oh, my God!
Talk about your lucky break!
Now the cops
have to get involved!
This murder is just
the thing we need
to catch the bastards
who ruined my hole!
- Our hole.
- That's what I said.
Jesus, Snot, you see one dead
body, and you're all "our hole."
- Here. Put this on.
- Oh, no.
I take the job of emotional
support very seriously.
I'm not wearing that
until I've earned it.
Suit yourself.
I just need you to get me
from the airport to the hotel.
I gulped up that whole bag
of the kids' contraband.
Gotta get a good baseline high
just to hit the ground running
with my Cabo crew.
Cabo crew?
Hell yeah!
The wildest group of guys
you've ever met.
One night we blacked out
and woke up on horses
carrying a sack of gold teeth!
We made a pact right then
we'd come back in a decade
and do it all again.
Well, someone's clearly feeling
your party vibe already.
Once again, we'd like
to invite all seniors
to pre-board at this time.
I'm looking at you, fishnet.
Well. This stings right
through the painkillers.
You kidding, bro?
It's a neg.
She's dogging you so you'll be
insecure enough to hook up!
Cool!
Would you like a wheelchair
waiting for you
at the other end, sir?
Oh, brutal!
She wants you bad.
These directions suck!
We hit a thicket, but I wouldn't
call it "dappled with light."
Hi. We called
about the body.
Yeah, yeah.
Give us a second, kid.
Look at this place!
It's got...
What's the word I'm looking for?
Splendor.
Splendor!
That's it! Yes!
Needs some cleaning, though,
but the potential is unreal.
Look, do you want
to see the body or not?
Oh, we've seen plenty.
This case is gonna be harder
to solve than we thought.
We're gonna have to close
this area off for months.
Maybe longer. I heard it's
supposed to be an Indian summer.
Uh, we're gonna need
backup out here.
Get everyone from the station.
Months?
You're kidding, right?
Kidding?!
There's been a murder, kid.
- What are you, sick?
- Yeah, what are you, sick?
And, uh, bring
some beach towels.
Oh, good. Steve.
How are you with a needle?
I caught the summer bug and cut
all my pants into Daisy Dukes.
Turns out it is not a flattering
look for my body type.
I actually want to talk to you
about a potential case.
What kind of case?
Upper? Brief?
Of the Mondays?
Murder!
Ahh, an old classic.
Go on.
Someone got murdered
at my secret swimming hole,
but the police are dragging
their feet solving it
because they want the hole
for themselves!
It's ridiculous!
Ridiculously smart.
That's what I'd do.
The way I see it, there's only
one way this case gets solved...
I need Wheels and the Legman.
What do you say, partner?
No way.
What? W-Why?!
You know we don't work cases
we're too close to.
I promise I'm not too close.
Roger, a man's been murdered,
and no one seems to care.
Do you?
I don't know yet.
I usually only like the cases
where it turns out I did it,
and this is definitely
not one of those.
That's strike one.
I'm also very worried
about your motives. Strike two.
Fortunately there's no strike
three and a murder sounds fun!
Let's do it!
I know. Don't say anything.
They don't work.
Would have been a cool thing
for Legman, though, right?
Imagine me kicking ass in these.
I guess I could be
talked into them.
Christ, Steve.
Say something!
Not that I don't appreciate
your dedication to character,
but I wouldn't judge you if you
wanted to walk this part,
hop back in at the hole?
We're here. Oh.
Oh!
This place is gorgeous!
If it was mine
and someone took it,
I'd want revenge bad.
That's not what this is
about for you, though.
No.
It's not personal.
Now, come on.
Let's nail down a timeline.
The night started over here
with a feast of some sort.
Old Bay seasoning.
That's nice on a summer evening.
I'm allowed
to touch stuff, right?
Then the drinking started. There.
2020. Great year.
Not sure how it was
for wine, though.
And then things got ugly.
Good party.
They did it right.
Are you done, Legman?!
Whoa, Wheels. Testy. Sorry.
No. Teste. Up there.
Looks like a dude's ball.
A clue!
Good eye, partner!
I got something else.
I'd know these tracks anywhere.
Someone had sex here!
Let me cross-reference
with the forensics database.
Damn. No hits.
Out-of-towners.
Hey! What's this?
A salt lick?
A salt lick!
And there you have it!
The Case of the Dirt Sex
Salt Lick closed!
What's next?
- A murder case?
- Ooo, that sounds fun.
As long as you're
not too close to it.
What are we doing
at the docks, Legman?
In every crime show,
murder investigations
have to go to the docks.
There are answers here,
and a guy unloading stuff
has them.
Yeah, I knew him.
Real squirrelly.
Always looking
over his shoulder.
Said she just got done
with rehab,
but the tracks on her arm
said different.
The guy still owes me
thirty bucks.
You ever have anyone
owe you thirty bucks?
Not fun.
This guy's open.
Hey, you!
There's a swimming hole
an hour from here.
- Sounds nice.
- It was nice.
Until a body turned up at the
bottom of it. Know anything?
Not about that.
I do know about some murders
that happened at a farmhouse
last spring.
See, I did them.
Uch! This guy's
a total dead end! Let's go!
Wait. Legman, look!
That's no coincidence.
Here, take a break
and get one of those beers
with a raw egg in it
you guys like.
Gee, thanks, mister!
Well, partner, what do you say
we bust this case wide open?
- Weird fruits?
- You take this one, Wheels.
You haven't had
any good quips yet.
We don't have time for that.
We need to find out where
this shipment is going.
Uhh, guess the docks weren't
exactly fruitless after all.
This case is seedy
any way you slice...
Get in!
I found a delivery address!
What are you doing, Wheels?!
You can't steal this truck!
Not with those little
noodle legs. Scooch over.
We're in hot purfruit?
Just drive.
That was funny, Wheels.
You're sure you're not
too close to this case?
I just want justice.
Juicetice.
Not terrible!
So you can't meet in Mexico
because of your grandkids?
No, I get it.
Y-You've got responsibilities.
Heh. Me? Umm...
I'm not going down there, either.
Okay. Take care.
Well, that's the whole crew.
They all bailed.
Klaus, am I a fool
for coming here?
What?! Screw those guys.
They broke a pact.
Bro, come here.
You know what I see in there?
A big idiot.
No. Balls.
Those cowards got scared
and gave away the most important
thing they had...
Their freedom.
We're lucky they aren't here
to hold us back.
They would've tried to...
drag us to a shell museum
or something!
Yeah. Maybe.
But guys like us
don't need shells, do we?
Shells slow you down.
Right!
We need to be
out there and free!
Yeah!
I'm not some snail!
If anything, the opposite!
I'm a...
a slug!
A slug!
I'm a brave sluuuug!
Not yet. Soon.
Something doesn't add up.
Couldn't agree more.
The Asian pears here
are 90 cents a pound
and the size of my head.
Who's crunching their numbers?
That's the last of it then?
Will you boys take
some coffee for the road?
yeah.
- I gotta hit the head.
- I better join him.
I like to watch him fumble
with his dingaling.
Help me get this rug up.
Bingo!
They're making that fruit
into drugs!
I think we're in
over our heads here, partner.
Wait. That package
has an address.
Hey, a guy!
Got it! 2113 Franklin!
Go! Go
You forgot your coffees!
Yeesh.
Nasty place.
But we got the drop spot.
Feels like a good time
to call the cops
and clue 'em into the drug ring
we just uncovered.
I'm going in.
Are you coming?
Look at that.
They dose by licking it.
Almost like a...
Salt lick.
Wheels, it's...
The symbol!
He's part of it!
Okay. You're also
interrupting me a lot lately.
You piece
of shit! Wheels?
Tell me everything you know!
The door locked somehow.
Who was there?!
I'm really starting to worry
you're too close to this one.
Steve?!
The tattoo is for
a secret society.
They run drugs
to fund their rituals.
But they've gone underground
now that the cops are crawling
all over their ceremonial site...
The Old Hole.
Okay.
All good intel.
Noticed you still have
a few teeth stuck
in your knuckles there.
You still want to turn this
over to the police? Fine.
They can take it from here.
You mean it?
Yep.
Someone will probably even make
detective off this case
with all this...
low hanging fruit.
There's my Wheels!
Then I gotta put my face
in a mattress for a few hours.
All my thoughts
are shattered glass.
What a cool thing to say!
I'm a little afraid of you now,
but the new vernacular
is dynamite!
Nope. Carrying you wasn't
the right choice, either.
Worse, actually,
in a lot of ways.
Wake up.
It's your lucky day.
Oh, my God!
It wasn't a stabbing at all!
A goddamn deer did it!
I mean, right?
I never actually saw the body.
That's what we're
gasping about, right?
Well, we can't thank you enough
for all of this.
I guess there's only one thing
left to do now.
Kunnngh!
Close the books!
It's always easier
when animals do it.
No messy motive, no trial.
Just nature running her course.
That's it?!
B-But the drug ring,
t-the secret society!
Officially none of our beeswax.
I'm not even sure
this stuff's illegal.
Mahalo, you two.
Well, we solved
our first murder.
It's not fair!
They were supposed to hurt
the people who hurt me!
What?! So this was never
about the murder for you?
I feel completely
blindsided here.
We did everything
for the police,
and they're still not gonna
punish these scumbags!
Oh, I don't expect you
to understand,
because you've never had
something as pure as my hole...
and then had to see it
defiled by strangers!
I can't just turn my back
while a group of thugs
comes into my hole
and violates it!
I'm... I'm finding
your word choice
is making it difficult to focus.
You lied to me!
We were partners!
"Were"?
I'm sorry.
Legman is walking out
on this team.
Right after I get you
back down the hill.
And the car ride home.
And maybe a celebratory dinner
somewhere nice.
After that, we're done!
Hi, Uncle Roger.
Is Steve around?
He's not answering my calls.
I'm not surprised.
He had a bad break-up.
I heard the other guy's
fine, though.
STEEEEVE!
Guess he's not here, because
he usually responds to that.
Well, come in, already!
Let's find him.
Son of a bitch!
He's still working it!
There's a chat log here.
Something called The Secret
Order of the Summer Buck.
What is all this?
I don't have time
to explain it to you!
I think Steve infiltrated
the secret society
that threw a party at your
swimming hole to exact revenge.
Actually that's...
That's basically it.
This says the police are gone
and the ritual is back on!
Oh, my God! Steve is
going to the ritual!
We gotta save him!
Actually, you hang back.
I'm feeling a bit of
a Snot overdose happening.
Oh, that will happen.
Ah-ah-ah. Did you forget
your robes, brother?
Is that a problem?
You know what I do?
I keep an extra set in my car
just in case.
And you know how many times
I've been in your position?
Zero.
Oh, one more thing.
Our virgin fell through
for the evening,
so it looks like
no sacrifice tonight.
There's still plenty of
Albertsons pumpkin pies, though,
so enjoy.
- Unh!
- Get away from him!
He can't lick your drugs!
He... lost his tongue
in a motorcycle accident!
Wheels, before you say anything,
I want to tell you I'm sorry.
Partners don't bail
on each other.
How did you know
about my motorcycle accident?
Damn.
You've gotta be kidding me!
Steve, are you here?
These freaks kill virgins!
Virgins like you!
What are you doing?
Steve!
I'm rescuing you.
Oh.
Seems we've found
a virgin after all.
Quick, Steve,
have sex with someone!
No! When it happens,
I want it to be special.
One water for every drink
so we all stay hydrated.
It does make you urinate
a lot more,
but frankly I see that
as a positive.
Anyway, what do your dads do?
Excuse us for a second.
What was that?!
I don't know!
I couldn't stop myself!
The crew was right.
I've aged out of this scene.
Stop it! You haven't aged
out of anything.
You've graduated into the most
important party role of all!
I have?
The party elder.
Every rave, music festival,
and spring break
has one thing in common...
That lone older guy
who looks like he's seen it all.
It's his job to act as a party
guide to the next generation.
That's you now.
The party elder.
Look at those pupils!
You're rolling hard,
and you just walked
into a room full of mirrors,
like a fool!
Get back out there!
And stay away
from your own reflection!
He gave me money.
My wisdom is my currency.
I am the party elder!
You earned this, Klaus.
It feels a little weird
sacrificing a handicapped
person, doesn't it?
Ugh.
It's "differently abled," Peter.
And we have to treat him
exactly like everyone else.
- What if he's faking it?
- Oh, my God!
That is, like, the main thing
you're not allowed to say.
The man in the lake
was murdered.
- He was a human sacrifice.
- I know that now!
Just haven't figured out
how the deer fits in.
It is time!
Bring forth the vessel.
Ah.
God of the Summer Cervus!
Accept our humble offering
of virgin blood!
And if you're up for it,
kill this other guy, too.
Don't worry.
I've got a plan.
Wait!
He was pretending?
Boo!
Go, Steve!
Aah!
Aah!
Unh!
Steve, I need to apologize.
I'm the one who
should be apologizing!
My thirst for revenge
nearly killed us both!
But your hole!
The thing you loved the most
in the world recently!
It never really was mine.
I realized the Order didn't even
know they stole it from me,
just like I didn't know
I stole it
from that beaver,
the fish I caught,
the bird eggs
I pulled from nests
and threw at a big rock.
I can't take things
so personally.
You're a good person, Steve.
And a good partner.
You still want to be partners?
I do.
To the hospital, deer!
So now I guess even the forest
service can't get to the hole
because of all
the murderous animals.
But I'm at peace.
I realized there are more
important things in life
than my own spot
or some silly revenge
against the people
who took it from me.
I don't know.
It sounds like a lot
of those people are dead now
because of you.
Yeah, I'm not gonna
overthink it.
This place isn't bad,
though, right?
Hey, you can't be here!
Alright, alright.
Come on, Snot.
Help me get Steve out.
The physical therapist said
I might be out of this thing
by Christmas!
Serves him right. Pretending
to be disabled like that.
Have a great night!
Goldschlager!
I can't tell you how
disappointed I am in all of you.
Where's the good stuff?!
I've got a flight to Cabo
in forty minutes!
Principal Lewis has no right
to invade our privacy like this.
Relax. We're gonna
be lousy with privacy
all summer down at the hole.
You guys got something
special planned for break?
Snot and I spend every summer
at a super secret
swimming hole outside town,
just working on our slack shack,
catching fish,
and practicing make-outs
on a smooth log we hauled
out of a beaver dam.
Can I come?
Sorry, Billy.
Not even Barry or Toshi
know about the old hole.
And it's not on any map.
Well, there's a lyrical map...
That we vowed never to repeat
in front of other people.
I could just hum you the melody.
I'm good.
Fine, words and everything!
Smith!
What's with the fish?!
I'm sorry, Steve. I smuggled
myself in your backpack.
The lunch ladies throw
a killer end-of-the-year party
and make a timpano
out of everything
that's left in the cafeteria.
Last year, there was
a whole kid in there.
He was delicious.
Hmm.
A fish that parties and
isn't afraid to bend the rules?
Good. You're with me.
I'm taking your pet as
my emotional support animal.
BRRIIIIING!
That's the bell.
Lose yourself
to the summer, bitches!
Aah!
No, no, no!
The slack shack!
We gotta call the cops!
And tell them what?
That somebody threw a party
out in the woods?
I was wrong! -We need
to leave! -What is it?
Did you see a Ziploc and think
it was a jellyfish again?
Oh, my God!
Talk about your lucky break!
Now the cops
have to get involved!
This murder is just
the thing we need
to catch the bastards
who ruined my hole!
- Our hole.
- That's what I said.
Jesus, Snot, you see one dead
body, and you're all "our hole."
- Here. Put this on.
- Oh, no.
I take the job of emotional
support very seriously.
I'm not wearing that
until I've earned it.
Suit yourself.
I just need you to get me
from the airport to the hotel.
I gulped up that whole bag
of the kids' contraband.
Gotta get a good baseline high
just to hit the ground running
with my Cabo crew.
Cabo crew?
Hell yeah!
The wildest group of guys
you've ever met.
One night we blacked out
and woke up on horses
carrying a sack of gold teeth!
We made a pact right then
we'd come back in a decade
and do it all again.
Well, someone's clearly feeling
your party vibe already.
Once again, we'd like
to invite all seniors
to pre-board at this time.
I'm looking at you, fishnet.
Well. This stings right
through the painkillers.
You kidding, bro?
It's a neg.
She's dogging you so you'll be
insecure enough to hook up!
Cool!
Would you like a wheelchair
waiting for you
at the other end, sir?
Oh, brutal!
She wants you bad.
These directions suck!
We hit a thicket, but I wouldn't
call it "dappled with light."
Hi. We called
about the body.
Yeah, yeah.
Give us a second, kid.
Look at this place!
It's got...
What's the word I'm looking for?
Splendor.
Splendor!
That's it! Yes!
Needs some cleaning, though,
but the potential is unreal.
Look, do you want
to see the body or not?
Oh, we've seen plenty.
This case is gonna be harder
to solve than we thought.
We're gonna have to close
this area off for months.
Maybe longer. I heard it's
supposed to be an Indian summer.
Uh, we're gonna need
backup out here.
Get everyone from the station.
Months?
You're kidding, right?
Kidding?!
There's been a murder, kid.
- What are you, sick?
- Yeah, what are you, sick?
And, uh, bring
some beach towels.
Oh, good. Steve.
How are you with a needle?
I caught the summer bug and cut
all my pants into Daisy Dukes.
Turns out it is not a flattering
look for my body type.
I actually want to talk to you
about a potential case.
What kind of case?
Upper? Brief?
Of the Mondays?
Murder!
Ahh, an old classic.
Go on.
Someone got murdered
at my secret swimming hole,
but the police are dragging
their feet solving it
because they want the hole
for themselves!
It's ridiculous!
Ridiculously smart.
That's what I'd do.
The way I see it, there's only
one way this case gets solved...
I need Wheels and the Legman.
What do you say, partner?
No way.
What? W-Why?!
You know we don't work cases
we're too close to.
I promise I'm not too close.
Roger, a man's been murdered,
and no one seems to care.
Do you?
I don't know yet.
I usually only like the cases
where it turns out I did it,
and this is definitely
not one of those.
That's strike one.
I'm also very worried
about your motives. Strike two.
Fortunately there's no strike
three and a murder sounds fun!
Let's do it!
I know. Don't say anything.
They don't work.
Would have been a cool thing
for Legman, though, right?
Imagine me kicking ass in these.
I guess I could be
talked into them.
Christ, Steve.
Say something!
Not that I don't appreciate
your dedication to character,
but I wouldn't judge you if you
wanted to walk this part,
hop back in at the hole?
We're here. Oh.
Oh!
This place is gorgeous!
If it was mine
and someone took it,
I'd want revenge bad.
That's not what this is
about for you, though.
No.
It's not personal.
Now, come on.
Let's nail down a timeline.
The night started over here
with a feast of some sort.
Old Bay seasoning.
That's nice on a summer evening.
I'm allowed
to touch stuff, right?
Then the drinking started. There.
2020. Great year.
Not sure how it was
for wine, though.
And then things got ugly.
Good party.
They did it right.
Are you done, Legman?!
Whoa, Wheels. Testy. Sorry.
No. Teste. Up there.
Looks like a dude's ball.
A clue!
Good eye, partner!
I got something else.
I'd know these tracks anywhere.
Someone had sex here!
Let me cross-reference
with the forensics database.
Damn. No hits.
Out-of-towners.
Hey! What's this?
A salt lick?
A salt lick!
And there you have it!
The Case of the Dirt Sex
Salt Lick closed!
What's next?
- A murder case?
- Ooo, that sounds fun.
As long as you're
not too close to it.
What are we doing
at the docks, Legman?
In every crime show,
murder investigations
have to go to the docks.
There are answers here,
and a guy unloading stuff
has them.
Yeah, I knew him.
Real squirrelly.
Always looking
over his shoulder.
Said she just got done
with rehab,
but the tracks on her arm
said different.
The guy still owes me
thirty bucks.
You ever have anyone
owe you thirty bucks?
Not fun.
This guy's open.
Hey, you!
There's a swimming hole
an hour from here.
- Sounds nice.
- It was nice.
Until a body turned up at the
bottom of it. Know anything?
Not about that.
I do know about some murders
that happened at a farmhouse
last spring.
See, I did them.
Uch! This guy's
a total dead end! Let's go!
Wait. Legman, look!
That's no coincidence.
Here, take a break
and get one of those beers
with a raw egg in it
you guys like.
Gee, thanks, mister!
Well, partner, what do you say
we bust this case wide open?
- Weird fruits?
- You take this one, Wheels.
You haven't had
any good quips yet.
We don't have time for that.
We need to find out where
this shipment is going.
Uhh, guess the docks weren't
exactly fruitless after all.
This case is seedy
any way you slice...
Get in!
I found a delivery address!
What are you doing, Wheels?!
You can't steal this truck!
Not with those little
noodle legs. Scooch over.
We're in hot purfruit?
Just drive.
That was funny, Wheels.
You're sure you're not
too close to this case?
I just want justice.
Juicetice.
Not terrible!
So you can't meet in Mexico
because of your grandkids?
No, I get it.
Y-You've got responsibilities.
Heh. Me? Umm...
I'm not going down there, either.
Okay. Take care.
Well, that's the whole crew.
They all bailed.
Klaus, am I a fool
for coming here?
What?! Screw those guys.
They broke a pact.
Bro, come here.
You know what I see in there?
A big idiot.
No. Balls.
Those cowards got scared
and gave away the most important
thing they had...
Their freedom.
We're lucky they aren't here
to hold us back.
They would've tried to...
drag us to a shell museum
or something!
Yeah. Maybe.
But guys like us
don't need shells, do we?
Shells slow you down.
Right!
We need to be
out there and free!
Yeah!
I'm not some snail!
If anything, the opposite!
I'm a...
a slug!
A slug!
I'm a brave sluuuug!
Not yet. Soon.
Something doesn't add up.
Couldn't agree more.
The Asian pears here
are 90 cents a pound
and the size of my head.
Who's crunching their numbers?
That's the last of it then?
Will you boys take
some coffee for the road?
yeah.
- I gotta hit the head.
- I better join him.
I like to watch him fumble
with his dingaling.
Help me get this rug up.
Bingo!
They're making that fruit
into drugs!
I think we're in
over our heads here, partner.
Wait. That package
has an address.
Hey, a guy!
Got it! 2113 Franklin!
Go! Go
You forgot your coffees!
Yeesh.
Nasty place.
But we got the drop spot.
Feels like a good time
to call the cops
and clue 'em into the drug ring
we just uncovered.
I'm going in.
Are you coming?
Look at that.
They dose by licking it.
Almost like a...
Salt lick.
Wheels, it's...
The symbol!
He's part of it!
Okay. You're also
interrupting me a lot lately.
You piece
of shit! Wheels?
Tell me everything you know!
The door locked somehow.
Who was there?!
I'm really starting to worry
you're too close to this one.
Steve?!
The tattoo is for
a secret society.
They run drugs
to fund their rituals.
But they've gone underground
now that the cops are crawling
all over their ceremonial site...
The Old Hole.
Okay.
All good intel.
Noticed you still have
a few teeth stuck
in your knuckles there.
You still want to turn this
over to the police? Fine.
They can take it from here.
You mean it?
Yep.
Someone will probably even make
detective off this case
with all this...
low hanging fruit.
There's my Wheels!
Then I gotta put my face
in a mattress for a few hours.
All my thoughts
are shattered glass.
What a cool thing to say!
I'm a little afraid of you now,
but the new vernacular
is dynamite!
Nope. Carrying you wasn't
the right choice, either.
Worse, actually,
in a lot of ways.
Wake up.
It's your lucky day.
Oh, my God!
It wasn't a stabbing at all!
A goddamn deer did it!
I mean, right?
I never actually saw the body.
That's what we're
gasping about, right?
Well, we can't thank you enough
for all of this.
I guess there's only one thing
left to do now.
Kunnngh!
Close the books!
It's always easier
when animals do it.
No messy motive, no trial.
Just nature running her course.
That's it?!
B-But the drug ring,
t-the secret society!
Officially none of our beeswax.
I'm not even sure
this stuff's illegal.
Mahalo, you two.
Well, we solved
our first murder.
It's not fair!
They were supposed to hurt
the people who hurt me!
What?! So this was never
about the murder for you?
I feel completely
blindsided here.
We did everything
for the police,
and they're still not gonna
punish these scumbags!
Oh, I don't expect you
to understand,
because you've never had
something as pure as my hole...
and then had to see it
defiled by strangers!
I can't just turn my back
while a group of thugs
comes into my hole
and violates it!
I'm... I'm finding
your word choice
is making it difficult to focus.
You lied to me!
We were partners!
"Were"?
I'm sorry.
Legman is walking out
on this team.
Right after I get you
back down the hill.
And the car ride home.
And maybe a celebratory dinner
somewhere nice.
After that, we're done!
Hi, Uncle Roger.
Is Steve around?
He's not answering my calls.
I'm not surprised.
He had a bad break-up.
I heard the other guy's
fine, though.
STEEEEVE!
Guess he's not here, because
he usually responds to that.
Well, come in, already!
Let's find him.
Son of a bitch!
He's still working it!
There's a chat log here.
Something called The Secret
Order of the Summer Buck.
What is all this?
I don't have time
to explain it to you!
I think Steve infiltrated
the secret society
that threw a party at your
swimming hole to exact revenge.
Actually that's...
That's basically it.
This says the police are gone
and the ritual is back on!
Oh, my God! Steve is
going to the ritual!
We gotta save him!
Actually, you hang back.
I'm feeling a bit of
a Snot overdose happening.
Oh, that will happen.
Ah-ah-ah. Did you forget
your robes, brother?
Is that a problem?
You know what I do?
I keep an extra set in my car
just in case.
And you know how many times
I've been in your position?
Zero.
Oh, one more thing.
Our virgin fell through
for the evening,
so it looks like
no sacrifice tonight.
There's still plenty of
Albertsons pumpkin pies, though,
so enjoy.
- Unh!
- Get away from him!
He can't lick your drugs!
He... lost his tongue
in a motorcycle accident!
Wheels, before you say anything,
I want to tell you I'm sorry.
Partners don't bail
on each other.
How did you know
about my motorcycle accident?
Damn.
You've gotta be kidding me!
Steve, are you here?
These freaks kill virgins!
Virgins like you!
What are you doing?
Steve!
I'm rescuing you.
Oh.
Seems we've found
a virgin after all.
Quick, Steve,
have sex with someone!
No! When it happens,
I want it to be special.
One water for every drink
so we all stay hydrated.
It does make you urinate
a lot more,
but frankly I see that
as a positive.
Anyway, what do your dads do?
Excuse us for a second.
What was that?!
I don't know!
I couldn't stop myself!
The crew was right.
I've aged out of this scene.
Stop it! You haven't aged
out of anything.
You've graduated into the most
important party role of all!
I have?
The party elder.
Every rave, music festival,
and spring break
has one thing in common...
That lone older guy
who looks like he's seen it all.
It's his job to act as a party
guide to the next generation.
That's you now.
The party elder.
Look at those pupils!
You're rolling hard,
and you just walked
into a room full of mirrors,
like a fool!
Get back out there!
And stay away
from your own reflection!
He gave me money.
My wisdom is my currency.
I am the party elder!
You earned this, Klaus.
It feels a little weird
sacrificing a handicapped
person, doesn't it?
Ugh.
It's "differently abled," Peter.
And we have to treat him
exactly like everyone else.
- What if he's faking it?
- Oh, my God!
That is, like, the main thing
you're not allowed to say.
The man in the lake
was murdered.
- He was a human sacrifice.
- I know that now!
Just haven't figured out
how the deer fits in.
It is time!
Bring forth the vessel.
Ah.
God of the Summer Cervus!
Accept our humble offering
of virgin blood!
And if you're up for it,
kill this other guy, too.
Don't worry.
I've got a plan.
Wait!
He was pretending?
Boo!
Go, Steve!
Aah!
Aah!
Unh!
Steve, I need to apologize.
I'm the one who
should be apologizing!
My thirst for revenge
nearly killed us both!
But your hole!
The thing you loved the most
in the world recently!
It never really was mine.
I realized the Order didn't even
know they stole it from me,
just like I didn't know
I stole it
from that beaver,
the fish I caught,
the bird eggs
I pulled from nests
and threw at a big rock.
I can't take things
so personally.
You're a good person, Steve.
And a good partner.
You still want to be partners?
I do.
To the hospital, deer!
So now I guess even the forest
service can't get to the hole
because of all
the murderous animals.
But I'm at peace.
I realized there are more
important things in life
than my own spot
or some silly revenge
against the people
who took it from me.
I don't know.
It sounds like a lot
of those people are dead now
because of you.
Yeah, I'm not gonna
overthink it.
This place isn't bad,
though, right?
Hey, you can't be here!
Alright, alright.
Come on, Snot.
Help me get Steve out.
The physical therapist said
I might be out of this thing
by Christmas!
Serves him right. Pretending
to be disabled like that.
Have a great night!