American Dad! (2005–…): Season 17, Episode 8 - A Song of Knives and Fire - full transcript
Stan and Francine inject some much-needed fire into their relationship.
Isn't this nice?
It feels good knowing the only
thing going on in our lives
right now
is a new loose leaf tea kettle.
After the year we had,
I could get used to
these low-key days.
I love you, F-F-F...
Fire station open houses!
- [horns honking]
- Oh!
- Oh!
- [tires screeching]
Fire station open house,
Francine!
C'mon! C'mon! C'mon!
[groans]
[horn honks]
Aaaaaah!
Where are you going?
[patriotic music plays]
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The Sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
*AMERICAN DAD (2005)*
[♪] Season 17 Episode 08 (IMDB)
Episode Title: "A Song bof Knives and Fire"
Good job.
Put out that fire.
[horn blaring]
I found the horn!
Aw, man, these are great.
So, we've gone over
some basic fire safety.
Are there any questions?
Why is fire so hot?
Dumb. Dumb question.
Uh, maybe because it's burning.
[laughs]
[laughs]
Okay, folks, get
your raffle tickets out.
Time to see who'll be Langley's
- Honorary Firefighter!
- Wait, what did he say?
The winner will get
to spend a week
hanging with us, learning,
and maybe even go
on the truck to a real fire.
There's a raffle?
But I didn't buy a ticket.
31.
Wait, please let this pancake
be my ticket.
Who has 31?
31?
I think that's me.
WOMAN [British accent]:
Now that you've threaded
your needle, you'll need
to bring the point down
and through the canvas.
Down and...
- Outta my way!
- Ow!
What the hell?!
[grunting]
Stan, you're really redefining
the concept of "open kitchen."
[laughs]
I will swallow you whole.
Whoa, talk about
an open kitch...
No, Hayley, don't!
- [gasps]
- Why, Dad, why?!
He's having a meltdown
because I won some raffle
to spend a week
with the Fire Department.
I've always longed to be
a firefighter,
and I was so close,
until a certain sexy
little Benedict Arnold
hypnotized me
with her long legs
into forgetting
there was a raffle.
Oh, grow up.
You've been like this
since the day we got married.
A highly sexual
and reasonable man?
A man who overreacts
when he doesn't get his way.
Oh, and I suppose you'd
call this an overreaction.
Hayley, turn on the stove.
Steve, time me.
Fire!
Can I just say that I have
a needle inside me?!
Whoa!
- Time.
- Enough, Stan.
I'm obviously gonna give you
the raffle ticket.
Do you mean it?
I get to go fire-manning?
Yeah, Stan, I just hope
it makes you happy.
Oh, it does, Francine.
It really does.
[♪]
Hey, thanks for
helping me present
this environmental report.
I-I get so nervous
speaking in public.
No, thank you, Hayley.
For showing me what's really
going on in this town.
These corporations.
These sleazeballs.
These thugs. [Hocks]
Stop spitting on me!
Next up, Uncle... Roger?
The topic of biodiversity loss
and its effect on local
grasslands and mangroves.
Oof, now I'm nervous.
You got this.
Alright, trees in the park,
blah blah blah.
Cut 'em all down, I say.
Here's the real deal.
The ancient art
of Knife Throwing.
God damn it.
I am Rudolfo Mayerling.
After years spent quietly
perfecting my craft...
And in court with
a badly wounded assistant...
I am here to announce
a two-night performance
in which I will present the most
daring act ever put to stage.
And for the big finish
of my presentation...
[crowd "ohhs"]
Flyers for my show.
Oh, wait, I grabbed
the wrong stack.
High school
air guitar competition?
Oh, damn, I could win that.
Anyway, come to my knife show.
[♪]
You know, Klaus,
I'm a patient woman,
but it's like they're not
even trying to resurrect
the World's Fair.
[cellphone rings]
Oh, it's our little firefighter.
Hi, honey.
Not good, actually.
It's not like my dreams at all.
I thought it would be
60% fighting fires
and the other half
shooting the breeze.
But they got me cookin'
casseroles 'round the clock,
and I think they're
bullying me.
Unless, is, "Hurry up,
casser-hole" a compliment?
Aw, God, I knew it.
The only thing I get to do
is drive the truck...
Really? That sounds amazing.
Can I finish? Can I finish?
I can only use it
to go to Trader Joe's
for more casserole ingredients.
Well, Stan, you could always
just not do any of this.
Quit? I knew you
wouldn't get it.
Thank God I'm here,
surrounded by my real friends.
Alright, I gotta go.
The guys put a shit-ton
of IcyHot on my balls and anus.
So, what do we need to get
to fix the kitchen?
Plaster, some primer,
three people that know
what they're doing.
STAN: Excuse me. Sorry.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
It's a fire truck, okay?
Wow, they really
do send him here.
- [horn honking]
- You can't park that here!
Gimme a break. I just need
10 spots in a row to open up.
Ugh, great.
You know he's gonna bring home
all that frustration
and drag us down with him.
They should just let him
put out a fire.
Throw him a bone, ya know?
That might be what we all need.
[farts]
Mind cracking the window
if you...
A little fire is all he needs.
This'll do.
And I know I've got matches
in here somewhere.
Phone. Brick.
- What up, Franny-y-y-y!
- Got 'em.
[ominous music plays]
[blows]
[glass shatters]
[♪]
Hi.
Oh, my.
Stan!
I-I...
Aye aye aye is right.
That fire was hot.
And I put it out.
Did you see?
I'm a firefighter.
That felt. So good.
Yeah, it...
- did.
- I wanna do it again.
- I need to.
- Me, too.
[horn honking]
What? I'm a hero.
I know that!
These are now honks of support!
[♪]
And since I put the fire out
and got the casserole fixings...
Maple bacon sweet potato
for the win, beyotch...
The whole team said
I'm one of them now.
More Crêpes Suzette, anyone?
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.
I'm gonna get to go on calls
for actual fires.
Opa!
Okay, I'd better shove off.
Walk me to the door,
my beloveds?
- Sure.
- You got it, Pops.
Alright, lady,
what's the deal?
I saw your face
after you started that fire.
Did you... like it?
No!
I-I dunno.
There was something
about striking the match,
seeing the flame grow
and become so untamed.
I did feel this release.
And you saw Stan.
If it's not doing any harm
and makes things
better around here...
He was pleasant just now.
So long as it doesn't become
a destructive fixation for you,
which I'm seeing
no warning signs of yet,
this could be a classic
two birds one stone situation.
Aren't those the best?
Like how cigarettes taste good
and suppress
your appetite
to keep you skinny.
Yes! Yes.
A wonderful comparison
to a wonderful product.
For years, my knife throwing
peers have bored us
with displays of sticking
the knife's tip
within a fraction of an inch
of their subject.
- Can we go?
- We live here.
Tonight, I will debut the mark
of the "Artful Wound."
For a true master does not miss.
But cuts...
and draws a single.
Drop. Of blood.
Sa-sah!
Oh, shit.
Okay, this is gonna be bad.
My assistant Benny.
[♪]
Let's begin.
Knife man!
Damn it.
Pop dat! Whoa!
Teeee'yop Corner!
Left-handed! Bank Shot!
Buncha knives at once!
Benny, stop flinching,
it's making me nervous.
- Roger.
- Oh, hey, Steve.
Stop doing this.
Oh, don't worry.
This is all part of the act.
They don't want
to see perfection.
They want to think
something could go wrong.
People are so sick.
Now for my final throw
of the evening.
I present... the Artful Wound.
[audience gasps]
Shame! Shame on you!
This is gonna be insane.
[♪]
Aaaaaah!
- [audience gasps]
- Ooh, baby!
No one'll miss this thing.
[glass shatters]
Oh!
A barn out in the boonies?
The heck happened?
Chief, this wrapper
looks just like the one
from the Dumpster
fire I put out.
I kept this as a souvenir.
Could it have been
the same person?
Great instincts, Stan.
What else do you see?
- See?
- In the patterns.
Me? Read fire patterns?
Okay... um...
this spot... tells me...
she's a woman? A mother?
Um, overshadowed by
a bigger personality at home.
She's always making sacrifices.
Well, we can all see
the surface patterns.
Go deeper.
Drinks to cope, but it's
not doing the job anymore.
She's adopted,
fell down a well as a child,
stints in acting,
body building, muffin sales,
had her vagina displayed
in a museum...
That one's just obvious.
And by the looks of it,
she's just getting started.
But so.
Am.
I.
It could also be a guy, I guess.
[♪]
♪ Only you, baby
♪ Can put out this fire
♪ Only you, baby
♪ Can put out this fire
♪ Burning in my soul
♪ Only you, baby
WOMAN: Casseroles.
♪ Can put out this fire
♪ Only you, baby
Francine!
What are you doing here?
Um...
I-looking for this.
In any event, I'm glad you're
here to see me in action.
There's an arsonist on the loose
and I'm the lead investigator.
They're letting you
move up fast.
Yeah, it's honestly
pretty concerning.
I've done zero training.
But that won't stop me
from catching this crook.
Nothing will.
[♪]
Though the chapter of my life
as a firefighter is ending,
and so soon after declaring
that nothing would stop me
from catching the arsonist,
I cherish the fact
that the memories and friends
I made along the way
are forever.
Firefighters number three
and number one especially.
You must be relieved.
Now that Stan's retiring,
you can, too.
Retire?
I'm sure he'll still
wanna put some out.
I'll keep the fires going
just to be safe.
Francine, you have a problem.
This is going to be a joke,
but please don't laugh.
You're playing with fire.
CHIEF: Hey, Stan,
what was your favorite fire
from this week?
Oh, man, there were so many.
The old barn, the old
go-kart park, the match factory.
FRANCINE [thinking]:
There were so many,
and more to come.
Where you going, honey?
I'm about to hand off
the arson case
to the new volunteer
for next week.
Yeah-yeah-yeah, great.
I gotta run.
We need more stuff for the crap.
Francine, you dropped...
[♪]
What happened to your dress?
Isn't it obvious?
I'm tearing off pieces,
shovin' 'em
in a bottle of vodka,
and using it to start fires.
[both laugh]
[laughing]
Wait, no.
She was really saying real.
[hip-hop music plays]
♪ Oh, makin' those flames grow ♪
♪ You know I gotta start
those in-fer-nos ♪
♪ But watch me maintain,
cuz a Franny like me ♪
♪ Is to-tally sane
♪ I'm sane in the membrane
♪ I'm sane, in my brains
ANNOUNCER: Okay, that was
K-97's "Beats with no lyrics,
so you can freestyle rap
in the car" Tuesdays.
Up next, a Latin Trap Beat...
[cellphone rings]
Helloooo!
You're the arsonist.
How could you?
Well, it started because
I wanted to help you, like usual.
But then it awakened
something irresistible in me.
So what, you have some kind
of freak fire fetish now?
Do you dress in all black
leather bondage outfits?
With nothing covering
your privates
but, like, strips of tape?
Cracking...
flaming whips and, uh...
[gulps]
Sorry, I need a second.
Listen, I know "society"
doesn't like "serial arsonists."
So once I complete
my masterpiece,
where it all began,
I'll be done.
But more likely I'll do it
forever 'cause I love it.
Turn back now,
or I'm turning you in.
Ha! You're funnier
than Ray Romano.
You don't even know
where I'll be.
Wait. "Where it all began"?
Oh, my God. It must be...
Who are you talkin' to, Stan?
Was it the arsonist?
- How'd she get your number?
- Um...
Stan, if you know something...
Uhhhh...
Spit it out, numb nuts.
We have to hurry.
She's gonna burn down
the firehouse.
- The firehouse?!
- Hey!
Thanks for the invite
to your little cookout.
Real cool to see that going on
right outside my window!
[spectator coughs]
Anyway, I will now shock
and dazzle you
with a grand
Knife Throwing finale.
First, I will need a volunteer.
Yes, you in the back.
STEVE [in distance]:
Oh, hey, Roger.
Want to see this cute
baby owl video?
Hey, let go of my hand. Hey!
Roger, stop it.
Let go! This isn't funny!
I'm not wearing that.
Ow! Roger, please... Ow!
What are you doing?!
Roger. Seriously. Stop.
I'm begging you!
I'm just a child!
Nooooooooooooo!
Now, my Grand Finale...
Part one.
Stop this!
Denise, you need to get here
right now.
[crying]
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
[audience gasps]
Aah!
[thud, audience gasps]
I'm... alive.
[audience gasps]
The Artful Wound.
The Mark of the Master.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, thank you.
- Now, the true Finale.
- Wait, what?
See, my act was always about
holding a mirror up to you,
the audience,
and your sordid cravings.
Look under your seats.
Some of you will find a knife.
I invite you now to face
your darkest desire,
if you dare.
By throwing...
a knife...
at me. Ow. Ow!
Ow. Uhp. Ow.
Wow, that's a lotta knives
hitting me.
Don't remember putting
this many under... the... seats.
Uhp, okay, some of you clearly
brought knives from home.
[siren wailing]
Oh, I can't wait
to bust this sicko.
- She's a monster!
- An animal!
She's human!
She's hurting.
And I love her.
I wanna spray her with water
so friggin' bad!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
[horn honking]
No fire. What's goin' on?
Borrowing this.
[siren wailing]
Guys...
if he doesn't bring that back...
we'll have to close
the fire station.
[♪]
[glass shatters]
[explosion]
[♪]
[glass shatters]
[♪]
This feels good.
But not the most good.
I may have to burn
a person next.
- Francine!
- Aah!
Well, hello to you, too.
How'd you even know I'd be here?
You said "where it all began,"
plus the Ray Romano jab.
That could only mean
one thing...
You were going to the place
where we got married.
Aah! Uhh!
I booked our wedding
at my dream venue...
Knee Slapperz Comedy Club,
but Ray Romano
showed up five minutes before
to do a surprise set,
and we got bumped.
Yeah, and you had a meltdown.
But you scrambled
and found this place.
You decorated the bins,
filled them with ice...
a family of raccoons
were the flower girls.
Aah!
Ta-daaa!
Whoa!
It's too late, Stan.
I can't stop.
Of course you can.
You only became an arsonist
because I pushed you
toward it all these years.
Arsonist is such an ugly term.
We prefer Friend of the Flame.
Or fire [bleep]
I need to learn how to handle
my disappointment myself,
or at least take it out
on the kids.
You do take it out on the kids.
I could do it more.
Oh, Stan.
Thank you.
To be clear, though, this is
messed up, what you're doing,
and I think you should
see a doctor in addition
to me being,
like, more attentive.
Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah, totes.
- [explosion]
- [coughing]
How are we gonna
get out of here?
Baby, all you do
is sacrifice for me.
It's time I repay the favor.
We're gonna leave exactly
how we did on our wedding day.
Except this time,
I'm going to carry you.
[♪]
MAN: There's people in there!
Someone help them!
WOMAN: There they are!
They're okay!
- Ohhhh!
- Ohhhh!
He's not okay!
He's in terrible shape!
MAN #2: He's gonna
say something!
[shrieking]
Bye! Have a great time!
It feels good knowing the only
thing going on in our lives
right now
is a new loose leaf tea kettle.
After the year we had,
I could get used to
these low-key days.
I love you, F-F-F...
Fire station open houses!
- [horns honking]
- Oh!
- Oh!
- [tires screeching]
Fire station open house,
Francine!
C'mon! C'mon! C'mon!
[groans]
[horn honks]
Aaaaaah!
Where are you going?
[patriotic music plays]
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The Sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
*AMERICAN DAD (2005)*
[♪] Season 17 Episode 08 (IMDB)
Episode Title: "A Song bof Knives and Fire"
Good job.
Put out that fire.
[horn blaring]
I found the horn!
Aw, man, these are great.
So, we've gone over
some basic fire safety.
Are there any questions?
Why is fire so hot?
Dumb. Dumb question.
Uh, maybe because it's burning.
[laughs]
[laughs]
Okay, folks, get
your raffle tickets out.
Time to see who'll be Langley's
- Honorary Firefighter!
- Wait, what did he say?
The winner will get
to spend a week
hanging with us, learning,
and maybe even go
on the truck to a real fire.
There's a raffle?
But I didn't buy a ticket.
31.
Wait, please let this pancake
be my ticket.
Who has 31?
31?
I think that's me.
WOMAN [British accent]:
Now that you've threaded
your needle, you'll need
to bring the point down
and through the canvas.
Down and...
- Outta my way!
- Ow!
What the hell?!
[grunting]
Stan, you're really redefining
the concept of "open kitchen."
[laughs]
I will swallow you whole.
Whoa, talk about
an open kitch...
No, Hayley, don't!
- [gasps]
- Why, Dad, why?!
He's having a meltdown
because I won some raffle
to spend a week
with the Fire Department.
I've always longed to be
a firefighter,
and I was so close,
until a certain sexy
little Benedict Arnold
hypnotized me
with her long legs
into forgetting
there was a raffle.
Oh, grow up.
You've been like this
since the day we got married.
A highly sexual
and reasonable man?
A man who overreacts
when he doesn't get his way.
Oh, and I suppose you'd
call this an overreaction.
Hayley, turn on the stove.
Steve, time me.
Fire!
Can I just say that I have
a needle inside me?!
Whoa!
- Time.
- Enough, Stan.
I'm obviously gonna give you
the raffle ticket.
Do you mean it?
I get to go fire-manning?
Yeah, Stan, I just hope
it makes you happy.
Oh, it does, Francine.
It really does.
[♪]
Hey, thanks for
helping me present
this environmental report.
I-I get so nervous
speaking in public.
No, thank you, Hayley.
For showing me what's really
going on in this town.
These corporations.
These sleazeballs.
These thugs. [Hocks]
Stop spitting on me!
Next up, Uncle... Roger?
The topic of biodiversity loss
and its effect on local
grasslands and mangroves.
Oof, now I'm nervous.
You got this.
Alright, trees in the park,
blah blah blah.
Cut 'em all down, I say.
Here's the real deal.
The ancient art
of Knife Throwing.
God damn it.
I am Rudolfo Mayerling.
After years spent quietly
perfecting my craft...
And in court with
a badly wounded assistant...
I am here to announce
a two-night performance
in which I will present the most
daring act ever put to stage.
And for the big finish
of my presentation...
[crowd "ohhs"]
Flyers for my show.
Oh, wait, I grabbed
the wrong stack.
High school
air guitar competition?
Oh, damn, I could win that.
Anyway, come to my knife show.
[♪]
You know, Klaus,
I'm a patient woman,
but it's like they're not
even trying to resurrect
the World's Fair.
[cellphone rings]
Oh, it's our little firefighter.
Hi, honey.
Not good, actually.
It's not like my dreams at all.
I thought it would be
60% fighting fires
and the other half
shooting the breeze.
But they got me cookin'
casseroles 'round the clock,
and I think they're
bullying me.
Unless, is, "Hurry up,
casser-hole" a compliment?
Aw, God, I knew it.
The only thing I get to do
is drive the truck...
Really? That sounds amazing.
Can I finish? Can I finish?
I can only use it
to go to Trader Joe's
for more casserole ingredients.
Well, Stan, you could always
just not do any of this.
Quit? I knew you
wouldn't get it.
Thank God I'm here,
surrounded by my real friends.
Alright, I gotta go.
The guys put a shit-ton
of IcyHot on my balls and anus.
So, what do we need to get
to fix the kitchen?
Plaster, some primer,
three people that know
what they're doing.
STAN: Excuse me. Sorry.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
It's a fire truck, okay?
Wow, they really
do send him here.
- [horn honking]
- You can't park that here!
Gimme a break. I just need
10 spots in a row to open up.
Ugh, great.
You know he's gonna bring home
all that frustration
and drag us down with him.
They should just let him
put out a fire.
Throw him a bone, ya know?
That might be what we all need.
[farts]
Mind cracking the window
if you...
A little fire is all he needs.
This'll do.
And I know I've got matches
in here somewhere.
Phone. Brick.
- What up, Franny-y-y-y!
- Got 'em.
[ominous music plays]
[blows]
[glass shatters]
[♪]
Hi.
Oh, my.
Stan!
I-I...
Aye aye aye is right.
That fire was hot.
And I put it out.
Did you see?
I'm a firefighter.
That felt. So good.
Yeah, it...
- did.
- I wanna do it again.
- I need to.
- Me, too.
[horn honking]
What? I'm a hero.
I know that!
These are now honks of support!
[♪]
And since I put the fire out
and got the casserole fixings...
Maple bacon sweet potato
for the win, beyotch...
The whole team said
I'm one of them now.
More Crêpes Suzette, anyone?
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.
I'm gonna get to go on calls
for actual fires.
Opa!
Okay, I'd better shove off.
Walk me to the door,
my beloveds?
- Sure.
- You got it, Pops.
Alright, lady,
what's the deal?
I saw your face
after you started that fire.
Did you... like it?
No!
I-I dunno.
There was something
about striking the match,
seeing the flame grow
and become so untamed.
I did feel this release.
And you saw Stan.
If it's not doing any harm
and makes things
better around here...
He was pleasant just now.
So long as it doesn't become
a destructive fixation for you,
which I'm seeing
no warning signs of yet,
this could be a classic
two birds one stone situation.
Aren't those the best?
Like how cigarettes taste good
and suppress
your appetite
to keep you skinny.
Yes! Yes.
A wonderful comparison
to a wonderful product.
For years, my knife throwing
peers have bored us
with displays of sticking
the knife's tip
within a fraction of an inch
of their subject.
- Can we go?
- We live here.
Tonight, I will debut the mark
of the "Artful Wound."
For a true master does not miss.
But cuts...
and draws a single.
Drop. Of blood.
Sa-sah!
Oh, shit.
Okay, this is gonna be bad.
My assistant Benny.
[♪]
Let's begin.
Knife man!
Damn it.
Pop dat! Whoa!
Teeee'yop Corner!
Left-handed! Bank Shot!
Buncha knives at once!
Benny, stop flinching,
it's making me nervous.
- Roger.
- Oh, hey, Steve.
Stop doing this.
Oh, don't worry.
This is all part of the act.
They don't want
to see perfection.
They want to think
something could go wrong.
People are so sick.
Now for my final throw
of the evening.
I present... the Artful Wound.
[audience gasps]
Shame! Shame on you!
This is gonna be insane.
[♪]
Aaaaaah!
- [audience gasps]
- Ooh, baby!
No one'll miss this thing.
[glass shatters]
Oh!
A barn out in the boonies?
The heck happened?
Chief, this wrapper
looks just like the one
from the Dumpster
fire I put out.
I kept this as a souvenir.
Could it have been
the same person?
Great instincts, Stan.
What else do you see?
- See?
- In the patterns.
Me? Read fire patterns?
Okay... um...
this spot... tells me...
she's a woman? A mother?
Um, overshadowed by
a bigger personality at home.
She's always making sacrifices.
Well, we can all see
the surface patterns.
Go deeper.
Drinks to cope, but it's
not doing the job anymore.
She's adopted,
fell down a well as a child,
stints in acting,
body building, muffin sales,
had her vagina displayed
in a museum...
That one's just obvious.
And by the looks of it,
she's just getting started.
But so.
Am.
I.
It could also be a guy, I guess.
[♪]
♪ Only you, baby
♪ Can put out this fire
♪ Only you, baby
♪ Can put out this fire
♪ Burning in my soul
♪ Only you, baby
WOMAN: Casseroles.
♪ Can put out this fire
♪ Only you, baby
Francine!
What are you doing here?
Um...
I-looking for this.
In any event, I'm glad you're
here to see me in action.
There's an arsonist on the loose
and I'm the lead investigator.
They're letting you
move up fast.
Yeah, it's honestly
pretty concerning.
I've done zero training.
But that won't stop me
from catching this crook.
Nothing will.
[♪]
Though the chapter of my life
as a firefighter is ending,
and so soon after declaring
that nothing would stop me
from catching the arsonist,
I cherish the fact
that the memories and friends
I made along the way
are forever.
Firefighters number three
and number one especially.
You must be relieved.
Now that Stan's retiring,
you can, too.
Retire?
I'm sure he'll still
wanna put some out.
I'll keep the fires going
just to be safe.
Francine, you have a problem.
This is going to be a joke,
but please don't laugh.
You're playing with fire.
CHIEF: Hey, Stan,
what was your favorite fire
from this week?
Oh, man, there were so many.
The old barn, the old
go-kart park, the match factory.
FRANCINE [thinking]:
There were so many,
and more to come.
Where you going, honey?
I'm about to hand off
the arson case
to the new volunteer
for next week.
Yeah-yeah-yeah, great.
I gotta run.
We need more stuff for the crap.
Francine, you dropped...
[♪]
What happened to your dress?
Isn't it obvious?
I'm tearing off pieces,
shovin' 'em
in a bottle of vodka,
and using it to start fires.
[both laugh]
[laughing]
Wait, no.
She was really saying real.
[hip-hop music plays]
♪ Oh, makin' those flames grow ♪
♪ You know I gotta start
those in-fer-nos ♪
♪ But watch me maintain,
cuz a Franny like me ♪
♪ Is to-tally sane
♪ I'm sane in the membrane
♪ I'm sane, in my brains
ANNOUNCER: Okay, that was
K-97's "Beats with no lyrics,
so you can freestyle rap
in the car" Tuesdays.
Up next, a Latin Trap Beat...
[cellphone rings]
Helloooo!
You're the arsonist.
How could you?
Well, it started because
I wanted to help you, like usual.
But then it awakened
something irresistible in me.
So what, you have some kind
of freak fire fetish now?
Do you dress in all black
leather bondage outfits?
With nothing covering
your privates
but, like, strips of tape?
Cracking...
flaming whips and, uh...
[gulps]
Sorry, I need a second.
Listen, I know "society"
doesn't like "serial arsonists."
So once I complete
my masterpiece,
where it all began,
I'll be done.
But more likely I'll do it
forever 'cause I love it.
Turn back now,
or I'm turning you in.
Ha! You're funnier
than Ray Romano.
You don't even know
where I'll be.
Wait. "Where it all began"?
Oh, my God. It must be...
Who are you talkin' to, Stan?
Was it the arsonist?
- How'd she get your number?
- Um...
Stan, if you know something...
Uhhhh...
Spit it out, numb nuts.
We have to hurry.
She's gonna burn down
the firehouse.
- The firehouse?!
- Hey!
Thanks for the invite
to your little cookout.
Real cool to see that going on
right outside my window!
[spectator coughs]
Anyway, I will now shock
and dazzle you
with a grand
Knife Throwing finale.
First, I will need a volunteer.
Yes, you in the back.
STEVE [in distance]:
Oh, hey, Roger.
Want to see this cute
baby owl video?
Hey, let go of my hand. Hey!
Roger, stop it.
Let go! This isn't funny!
I'm not wearing that.
Ow! Roger, please... Ow!
What are you doing?!
Roger. Seriously. Stop.
I'm begging you!
I'm just a child!
Nooooooooooooo!
Now, my Grand Finale...
Part one.
Stop this!
Denise, you need to get here
right now.
[crying]
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
[audience gasps]
Aah!
[thud, audience gasps]
I'm... alive.
[audience gasps]
The Artful Wound.
The Mark of the Master.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, thank you.
- Now, the true Finale.
- Wait, what?
See, my act was always about
holding a mirror up to you,
the audience,
and your sordid cravings.
Look under your seats.
Some of you will find a knife.
I invite you now to face
your darkest desire,
if you dare.
By throwing...
a knife...
at me. Ow. Ow!
Ow. Uhp. Ow.
Wow, that's a lotta knives
hitting me.
Don't remember putting
this many under... the... seats.
Uhp, okay, some of you clearly
brought knives from home.
[siren wailing]
Oh, I can't wait
to bust this sicko.
- She's a monster!
- An animal!
She's human!
She's hurting.
And I love her.
I wanna spray her with water
so friggin' bad!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
[horn honking]
No fire. What's goin' on?
Borrowing this.
[siren wailing]
Guys...
if he doesn't bring that back...
we'll have to close
the fire station.
[♪]
[glass shatters]
[explosion]
[♪]
[glass shatters]
[♪]
This feels good.
But not the most good.
I may have to burn
a person next.
- Francine!
- Aah!
Well, hello to you, too.
How'd you even know I'd be here?
You said "where it all began,"
plus the Ray Romano jab.
That could only mean
one thing...
You were going to the place
where we got married.
Aah! Uhh!
I booked our wedding
at my dream venue...
Knee Slapperz Comedy Club,
but Ray Romano
showed up five minutes before
to do a surprise set,
and we got bumped.
Yeah, and you had a meltdown.
But you scrambled
and found this place.
You decorated the bins,
filled them with ice...
a family of raccoons
were the flower girls.
Aah!
Ta-daaa!
Whoa!
It's too late, Stan.
I can't stop.
Of course you can.
You only became an arsonist
because I pushed you
toward it all these years.
Arsonist is such an ugly term.
We prefer Friend of the Flame.
Or fire [bleep]
I need to learn how to handle
my disappointment myself,
or at least take it out
on the kids.
You do take it out on the kids.
I could do it more.
Oh, Stan.
Thank you.
To be clear, though, this is
messed up, what you're doing,
and I think you should
see a doctor in addition
to me being,
like, more attentive.
Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah, totes.
- [explosion]
- [coughing]
How are we gonna
get out of here?
Baby, all you do
is sacrifice for me.
It's time I repay the favor.
We're gonna leave exactly
how we did on our wedding day.
Except this time,
I'm going to carry you.
[♪]
MAN: There's people in there!
Someone help them!
WOMAN: There they are!
They're okay!
- Ohhhh!
- Ohhhh!
He's not okay!
He's in terrible shape!
MAN #2: He's gonna
say something!
[shrieking]
Bye! Have a great time!