American Dad! (2005–…): Season 17, Episode 6 - American Dad Graffito - full transcript
Stan tries to bring the 1950s back to Langley to save a beloved restaurant from closing.
*AMERICAN DAD (2005)*
Season 17 Episode 06 (IMDB)
Episode Title:
"American Dad Graffito"
Hayley.
Hayley, wake up.
It's a horrible
family emergency!
What?!
God what?!
The emergency is your life
isn't going anywhere,
so we're going to
get you some drive.
We're going for a drive?
In a car?
No,
we're going for a walk.
In our bodies.
As you know, every day
I leap out of bed
and fly into my slippers.
Of course,
your "leap of faith."
It shakes the whole house.
But what you don't know is
every morning before my leap,
I take a brisk walk around
Langley's historic
Gaslamp District
to get the blood up
and the laziness down.
You go on this walk
and then get back in bed?
This healthy routine
gives me the drive
I need to have
a successful career.
I want that for you, too.
But I already have
a successful career at SubHub.
They even trust me enough
to let me have a key.
A key to where?
The bathroom.
Just as I feared.
The room so awful
it's where we hide
our disgusting toilets.
Hayley,
SubHub is not a career.
It's a dead-end.
But I'm showing you a way out,
complete with breakfast
at a little place
I like to call...
Johnny Fifties!
I remember this place!
We used to come here
all the time.
Johnny, my man!
Gimme a piece of toast,
and mash up
these peas for me.
But only if you promise
not to charge me for the peas.
They're my property, Johnny.
I won't pay for what's
already mine, Johnny.
Again, Stan,
my name is Sal.
The restaurant
is Johnny Fif...
Ooh, I'll have
a shortstack of pan...
No, the food is terrible.
You just come to soak up
that authentic 1990s-style
'50s atmosphere.
Stan, I've got some bad news.
We're closing.
Closing?!
How could this be?!
Well, people just don't care
about 1950s nostalgia anymore.
Or maybe we'd have survived if,
I dunno, every day
you bought something
more expensive than toast.
Johnny, 86 the toast.
You can't expect
people to eat
after getting terrible
news like that!
No! No!
Stop the music!
Not today,
big brass band!
Shut up!
Shut up!
You okay up there,
Mr. Smith?
Johnny Fifties
is going under.
It's bad news,
or to put it in terms
you'll understand,
bad music.
Well,
if you love the place so much,
maybe you could
give them a loan?
I just don't know where
I'd find the money.
Anyway, you and the boys
take the rest of the week off,
fully paid of course.
Well it's official, gang.
I have Hep C.
I think it's time for some
major lifestyle changes...
Red alert!
Family emergency!
What?!
God what?!
I'm too upset to say
what the emergency is.
I must carve it.
J...
O...
Oh, it's about Johnny Fifties closing.
I heard him tell
the Bandleader.
Oh, yeah,
Johnny Fifties!
Their food sucks.
And no Shock Top.
Okay, my fingers hurt.
It's Johnny Fifties.
I cannot let
this restaurant close.
- Why?
- Well, for one thing,
it's part
of my morning routine.
But also, let's be honest.
I'm a '50s kind of guy.
Exhibit A... My suit.
Oh, yeah,
your suit is sort of '50s.
For a '50s guy like me,
letting Johnny Fifties
close would be like admitting
the '50s were over.
But the '50s are over!
Don't you get it?!
If you're truly nostalgic,
nothing is ever over!
As someone who was alive
back then
with a Wolfman Jack-type
radio DJ persona
and a number-one doo wop hit,
I think Stan's onto something.
Look around this house, guys.
Not a lot of love
for the '50s.
He's right.
No Jell-O molds.
No hula hoops!
Plus, you're not watching
TV while you eat!
And even if you were,
Happy Days is never on!
Uhp, there it is,
but it's a bad one,
doesn't count...
Too much Potsie.
That's it!
If I'm going to
save the restaurant...
You have to improve
the food?
I need to get people to love
the '50s again!
There's no time to lose!
Did you know glory holes were
much, much larger in the '50s?
One time me and both
Everly Brothers
stuck our junk
in one together
all at the same time.
And you know who was
on the other side?
The Big Bopper.
At least that's what it felt
like, I never saw him.
What? Never seen
a successful person before?
Is this supposed to be
like Dad's
"leap of faith"
out of bed?
It's a natural expression
of drive.
The Regional Manager's
coming to SubHub today
and I am gonna show him,
and Dad,
that I've got
what it takes to get ahead.
Mr. S throws our food
on the ground
and she jumps
all over the table?
Someone's gotta say it.
They made a mockery
of breakfast.
As your regional manager,
I'm here
because by now, most of you
have seen the leaked documents
referring to your positions
as "dead-end jobs."
Uh, what documents?
It doesn't matter.
The point here is
your jobs are not dead-ends.
Yes,
dead-ender in the back.
So are we allowed to drink
the Oranginas or what?
Give me a promotion!
I've got the keys
to success!
Or should I say
the bathroom?
Pee pee? Poo pee?
What's your pleasure?
Tell me what you need,
what SubHub needs,
and I am on it.
Well, we would like
to open a new location
in the hugely-desirable-
nearly-impossible-to-find-
an-open-space-in
Gaslamp District.
I know just the place.
Johnny Fifties is closing
and SubHub can take its place!
Great idea!
You're promoted!
The rest of you...
Demoted!
You live here now
and get paid in pepperoni.
According to math,
Johnny Fifties can stay afloat
for eight weeks.
And we're gonna need
every minute of it
to get people
to love the '50s again.
'Cause you really have to
love the '50s
to stomach your signature
nauseating burgers.
I mean you no disrespect, Johnny.
My name is Sal.
I call it
"Operation '50s Heat Up:
Get 'Em Interested In The '50s
And Save Johnny Fifties!"
What if we call it
"Operation '50s Fever?"
Horrible idea.
Klaus, you're going to Milwaukee
to get the statue
of Arthur Fonzarelli,
aka The Bronze Fonz.
I need it! Go now!
I don't really need
the Fonz statue.
We just can't have
Klaus around
sloshing his bowl water
all over
everyone's classic cars.
Everyone will have
classic cars?
And more!
Here's some concept art
I had made to inspire us.
Cruisin' cars, lawn darts,
asbestos chunks,
Johnny Fifties bursting with
hungry Fonzie impersonators.
Stan, you seem to be leaning
pretty heavily on Fonzie.
Um, people also like,
I don't know, Elvis?
Oh, you mean Singing Fonzie.
Good idea!
I always wanted to be
like Marilyn Monroe
and have an air vent
blow my dress up!
You'll do it!
And Roger, you do your old
Wolfman Jack DJ persona.
That persona
was unforgettable.
What was his name again?
Wolfman Puck?
No, that's not it.
Don't worry,
it'll come
to me on the air.
Jeff, you're a beatnik,
and Steve, you can be a nerd
or "square."
Easy.
True to the time period,
I'll put tape on my glasses
to make them appear broken...
No need!
Just like James Dean,
I pulled my punch
so I only hurt
the glasses.
No you didn't!
Hayley,
you can be Spudnik.
He was a very famous potato.
Dad, you won't believe this.
Your walk gave me drive.
And that drive got me a job
as manager of a new SubHub
opening where Johnny Fifties
used to be!
But Johnny Fifties is where
Johnny Fifties used to be.
Not for long.
After I told them
it was closing,
SubHub sweet-talked the landlord
into taking over
the lease in two days!
But two days isn't nearly
enough time for my plan!
Aren't you happy for me?
Happy?
You betrayed me.
You're trying to destroy
a place I love.
So, you don't like it
when I don't have drive,
and you don't like
when I do have drive.
What even is this?
"Operation '50s Fever"?
My original idea.
Klaus was never here.
Blueprints for
a leather jacket?
A list of places
for Beaver to leave it?
This plan is so stupid.
Thank God I commissioned
concept art
for every possible betrayal.
This is exactly how I feel,
right down to my giant ass!
I can't let her
do this to me.
New plan!
Oh, good, that one
was kinda stupid...
The old plan, faster!
We'll do "Operation '50s Fever"
in 48 hours!
Why have I pinned my hopes
on this fool?
Would a fool get concept art
of himself
dressed as a court jester
pleading with the king
not to cut his head off
for not having enough bells
on his jester hat?
I'm a goner!
Welp, lesson learned.
Shoulda had more bells.
Big Daddy Stan
needs Langley to catch
a baaad case of '50s Fever
or else Hayley
will be proven right
that Stan's plan
to save Johnny Fifties
is a stupid, stuuuupid plan.
You heard it from me,
uh...
what's my name again?
The '50s was so long ago.
Wolfboy... George?
Did I mention Hayley thinks
Stan's plan is stupid?
Gah! I feel betrayed
by Hayley all over again!
- And by you!
- Why me?!
Because you're here
talking my ear off
when you should be
buying extra food
for when I ignite
'50s Fever!
But Stan,
I'm bankrupt...
You don't say
you're "bankrupt," Daddy-O.
You say you're
"on the skids."
I like your plan.
And I love not
wearing seatbelts.
Aah!
The CIA's Cuban Operations
really came through with these
classic cars on short notice.
Paging Mr. Bega,
can you say
"Mambo Number '50s"?
Plenty more where
that came from.
Like a greaser,
I've got goodies
rolled up all over my body.
Pack of raisins.
Box of Goobers
in my waistband.
Aah!
Where are
all the contestants?!
You had one simple job, Steve.
To gather 500 to 600 professional
Fonzie impersonators
on an hour's notice.
How was I supposed
to get the word out?
You won't let me use
my computer!
Before there was e-mail,
there was just plain
tell-e-grams.
And we attached them to the
infamously dangerous lawn darts.
Infamously
dangerously fun.
Have faith, son.
Trends always start with
one single brave
cool guy.
But this time it's not
James Dean.
It's James Me...
Enough of these faulty
toothpicks!
It's time to show Hayley
just how wrong she is.
Okay, one more try.
Oh, Marilyn!
Time to walk
over that normal vent!
I'm in a hurry!
Outta my way!
Whoa, the air's so hot!
My genitals!
Aaaaaaagh!
Hey, let's play chicken!
Whoa!
Someone shred that guy
and slather him
in hot mayonnaise
and marshmallows,
because he's a chicken,
and that's my recipe
for Chicken Ambrosia.
Here's one that never fails
to spark '50s Fever...
Passing a milkshake
between cars.
I can't reach you!
I like bongos!
Too thick!
The way it used to be!
Aah!
Ribs broken by
steering column...
the way it used to be.
Yes!
Yay!
With '50s Fever
failing to catch,
it looks like SubHub's
new location is all
but a certainty,
which means...
I'm really
gonna be a manager!
With a manager's salary.
And a manager's mansion.
Who is this
concept artist everyone's using?
None of this would be possible
without you.
My rod is too hot!
And the Goobers in my pants
melted!
Yeah.
None of this would be possible
without me.
You feel bad for a man
who doesn't want his daughter
to live in a mansion?
The best type of house?!
It's all Hayley's fault!
I should've known
she'd mess up having drive
like she has everything
else in her life.
That's it.
You're live
on the air with...
some kinda wolf...
Dad,
I know you're listening,
and I want you to know
I'm with people who appreciate
my drive
so much
I'm getting a mansion.
Wow. For our listeners
who don't know,
that's the best type of
house.
So just give up now
and stop embarrassing yourself!
Another caller!
This isn't over, Hayley.
The fever is catching.
It's the loser '50s guy!
He's cheating
and using a cellphone!
Loser?
Maybe free asbestos
will change your mind!
The miracle molecule
of the '50s!
- Ugh!
- And, uh...
it's only gonna get more
feverish when people see,
uh...
...a James Dean type like me
in a classic teenage knife fight
up at the old observatory!
DJ, play a song
of betrayal.
I wanna dedicate it
to my daughter.
♪ Betrayal
is a terrible thing ♪
♪ The pain can last so long ♪
♪ Oh, the devil's gonna poke
you in your giant ass ♪
♪ And your daughter's
gonna cheer him on ♪
Watch out, teens!
This rebel's gonna cause you
to love the '50s!
Oh, my God!
You stabbed me!
It's just a nick!
Please like this
so I can prove
my daughter wrong!
Please, I beg you!
I'm not crazy!
I just really love
a restaurant.
That's him! The Bowzer
from Sha Na Na lookalike
who pooped his pants!
James Dean... Goobers.
Yeah,
that's what they all say.
We've got a warrant for your
arrest and plenty of witnesses.
Before you arrest me,
I just want to say
none of that stuff
I did was wrong
in the '50s.
You could get away with
all kinds of
crazy stuff because...
♪ We didn't know
that was bad yet ♪
♪ We didn't know
that could kill ya ♪
♪ Turn back the page
to an innocent age ♪
♪ We didn't know it was wrong ♪
You threw a lawn dart
in my skull!
♪ We didn't know
it was wrong! ♪
You stabbed my son!
♪ We didn't know,
we didn't know ♪
You threw asbestos
in my face!
♪ Now you're insulated,
dude ♪
My genitals!
♪ Wow, you're Howdy Doody
smooth ♪
♪ Turn back the page
to an innocent age ♪
♪ We didn't know
it was wrong ♪
But what if someone
gets hurt?
The nurses all wear
funny hats!
What about the rampant sexism
and racism?
It was wrong then
and it is wrong now
and in our new '50s,
it isn't allowed!
The Fonzies came!
- ♪ Ay ♪
- ♪ Ay ♪
♪ We're Fonzies
and we're here to say ♪
- ♪ Ay ♪
- ♪ Ay ♪
♪ '50s fever's
here to stay ♪
I get it! The '50s were about
willful ignorance!
Now you're razzin'
my berries!
So I don't have to
go to school?
♪ That was the opposite
of cool ♪
And I can litter
on the ground?
♪ I call it nature's
lost and found ♪
And I can eat trans fats?
♪ Some say that's where
the flavor's at ♪
So I can stab my son?
♪ It's just a nick,
and yes, it's fun! ♪
So I can drink and drive?
♪ Fonzie did it
all the time ♪
Ay!
♪ Turn back the page
to an innocent age ♪
♪ We didn't know
it was wrong ♪
Now that you've ignited
'50s Fever, what's next, Stan?
Going to Johnny Fifties,
saving it at long last?
Too soon.
These people aren't
hungry enough yet to choke down
that wretched slop.
Everyone, to the Sock Hop!
It's over, Hayley.
Everyone can't have
'50s Fever.
My god,
it's happening in here!
Wail on that black forest ham,
big daddy!
Welp, we're throwing
in the towel.
SubHub Corporate is as quick to
give up as we are to celebrate.
Why would he do this
to me?
He wanted me
to have drive.
Wait...
drive...
Time to fight '50s
with '50s.
Aah!
Now that you've danced
yourselves ravenous
and would eat trash
like wild boars, let's go...
save Johnny Fift...
I challenge you
to a drag race!
If I win the race,
SubHub takes over
Johnny Fifties.
Ha!
Why would I accept that
when I already have
everything I want?
Because...
'50s Honor demands it.
Audience chanting
"'50s Honor!"...
Okay! Okay!
'50s Honor,
which I've just heard of,
is everything to me!
Let's drag!
Everyone's finally tuning
into me, Dogboy Chuck,
as we all wonder
who will win the big drag race.
It's Stan vs. Hayley,
Johnny Fifties vs. SubHub,
past vs. Future,
today's glory holes
vs. Giant '50s
Looney Tunes sized
glory holes
where you can just wave
at the guy or the gal
on the other side.
Hayley, before I win,
I should finally be
honest with you.
I wish Fonzie
was my daughter.
You're sick, Dad.
And Fonzie is really more
of a '70s icon!
Fonzie, Chachi, Potsie, Richie,
Fonzie, Chachi, Potsie, Richie!
Don't!
These cars are death traps!
Don't worry, Steve.
I've had my mechanics
working all night.
Show 'em, boys!
Ay!
Safe enough for ya,
Steve?
And I'm DJ Apeman Snack,
the voice of a generation
and the face of a genera...
Damn it, you can't see
my face on the radio.
I'll text you all a picture
of my face
using AMBER Alert technology.
Look at it even
if you're driving.
Sorry if my dick is also
in the picture.
Don't let that
shock you off the road.
And take off those seatbelts,
it's the '50s!
Vietnam's around the corner
and it's gonna git ya!
And now the song
you've all been waiting for,
my very own number-one hit
from 1958,
"Drag Race Angels"!
This one's dedicated
to Stan and Hayley.
♪ Drag race angels ♪
♪ A father who's mean ♪
♪ Drag race angels ♪
♪ A daughter who dreams ♪
Wait a second,
I know this song.
It was our song!
♪ Remember when Hayley ♪
♪ Was just a little girl? ♪
♪ You'd eat at Johnny Fifties ♪
♪ And drink a Malt
with two straws ♪
♪ You love these memories ♪
♪ Not the '50s,
you crazy drag race angel ♪
Wow.
This song really takes me back.
And a lot of the lyrics
make more sense now than ever.
I loved Johnny Fifties
because of the time
I spent there with Hayley.
But I can spend time
with her now!
Must kill Dad!
Eesh.
Or maybe I can't.
Man, how would Fonzie
fix this?
Ay!
Nay!
The Bronze Fonz, Stan!
I took some '50s-style benzos
and drove to Milwaukee
and back in one day!
Johnny Fifties is saved!
Oh, my God!
Dad, are you okay?
Oh, Hayley, forgive me.
I haven't been James Dean
or James Me.
I've been plain old
James Mean.
Dad, you... you might have
brain damage.
One of your pupils
is so big.
That's because I'm looking
at someone I love so big.
Hayley, I want you to know
I support you
wherever your drive
takes you next,
SubHub or no SubHub.
The toothpicks are back!
I'm gonna drive you
to the hospital.
I spy
with my little eye...
A table!
Aww, it's our table!
♪ Table angels ♪
♪ They love each other now ♪
♪ Don't worry about Sal ♪
♪ He sells Chicken Ambrosia,
wow ♪
♪ He's a billionaire ♪
♪ Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
Bye-bye!
See you soon!
Season 17 Episode 06 (IMDB)
Episode Title:
"American Dad Graffito"
Hayley.
Hayley, wake up.
It's a horrible
family emergency!
What?!
God what?!
The emergency is your life
isn't going anywhere,
so we're going to
get you some drive.
We're going for a drive?
In a car?
No,
we're going for a walk.
In our bodies.
As you know, every day
I leap out of bed
and fly into my slippers.
Of course,
your "leap of faith."
It shakes the whole house.
But what you don't know is
every morning before my leap,
I take a brisk walk around
Langley's historic
Gaslamp District
to get the blood up
and the laziness down.
You go on this walk
and then get back in bed?
This healthy routine
gives me the drive
I need to have
a successful career.
I want that for you, too.
But I already have
a successful career at SubHub.
They even trust me enough
to let me have a key.
A key to where?
The bathroom.
Just as I feared.
The room so awful
it's where we hide
our disgusting toilets.
Hayley,
SubHub is not a career.
It's a dead-end.
But I'm showing you a way out,
complete with breakfast
at a little place
I like to call...
Johnny Fifties!
I remember this place!
We used to come here
all the time.
Johnny, my man!
Gimme a piece of toast,
and mash up
these peas for me.
But only if you promise
not to charge me for the peas.
They're my property, Johnny.
I won't pay for what's
already mine, Johnny.
Again, Stan,
my name is Sal.
The restaurant
is Johnny Fif...
Ooh, I'll have
a shortstack of pan...
No, the food is terrible.
You just come to soak up
that authentic 1990s-style
'50s atmosphere.
Stan, I've got some bad news.
We're closing.
Closing?!
How could this be?!
Well, people just don't care
about 1950s nostalgia anymore.
Or maybe we'd have survived if,
I dunno, every day
you bought something
more expensive than toast.
Johnny, 86 the toast.
You can't expect
people to eat
after getting terrible
news like that!
No! No!
Stop the music!
Not today,
big brass band!
Shut up!
Shut up!
You okay up there,
Mr. Smith?
Johnny Fifties
is going under.
It's bad news,
or to put it in terms
you'll understand,
bad music.
Well,
if you love the place so much,
maybe you could
give them a loan?
I just don't know where
I'd find the money.
Anyway, you and the boys
take the rest of the week off,
fully paid of course.
Well it's official, gang.
I have Hep C.
I think it's time for some
major lifestyle changes...
Red alert!
Family emergency!
What?!
God what?!
I'm too upset to say
what the emergency is.
I must carve it.
J...
O...
Oh, it's about Johnny Fifties closing.
I heard him tell
the Bandleader.
Oh, yeah,
Johnny Fifties!
Their food sucks.
And no Shock Top.
Okay, my fingers hurt.
It's Johnny Fifties.
I cannot let
this restaurant close.
- Why?
- Well, for one thing,
it's part
of my morning routine.
But also, let's be honest.
I'm a '50s kind of guy.
Exhibit A... My suit.
Oh, yeah,
your suit is sort of '50s.
For a '50s guy like me,
letting Johnny Fifties
close would be like admitting
the '50s were over.
But the '50s are over!
Don't you get it?!
If you're truly nostalgic,
nothing is ever over!
As someone who was alive
back then
with a Wolfman Jack-type
radio DJ persona
and a number-one doo wop hit,
I think Stan's onto something.
Look around this house, guys.
Not a lot of love
for the '50s.
He's right.
No Jell-O molds.
No hula hoops!
Plus, you're not watching
TV while you eat!
And even if you were,
Happy Days is never on!
Uhp, there it is,
but it's a bad one,
doesn't count...
Too much Potsie.
That's it!
If I'm going to
save the restaurant...
You have to improve
the food?
I need to get people to love
the '50s again!
There's no time to lose!
Did you know glory holes were
much, much larger in the '50s?
One time me and both
Everly Brothers
stuck our junk
in one together
all at the same time.
And you know who was
on the other side?
The Big Bopper.
At least that's what it felt
like, I never saw him.
What? Never seen
a successful person before?
Is this supposed to be
like Dad's
"leap of faith"
out of bed?
It's a natural expression
of drive.
The Regional Manager's
coming to SubHub today
and I am gonna show him,
and Dad,
that I've got
what it takes to get ahead.
Mr. S throws our food
on the ground
and she jumps
all over the table?
Someone's gotta say it.
They made a mockery
of breakfast.
As your regional manager,
I'm here
because by now, most of you
have seen the leaked documents
referring to your positions
as "dead-end jobs."
Uh, what documents?
It doesn't matter.
The point here is
your jobs are not dead-ends.
Yes,
dead-ender in the back.
So are we allowed to drink
the Oranginas or what?
Give me a promotion!
I've got the keys
to success!
Or should I say
the bathroom?
Pee pee? Poo pee?
What's your pleasure?
Tell me what you need,
what SubHub needs,
and I am on it.
Well, we would like
to open a new location
in the hugely-desirable-
nearly-impossible-to-find-
an-open-space-in
Gaslamp District.
I know just the place.
Johnny Fifties is closing
and SubHub can take its place!
Great idea!
You're promoted!
The rest of you...
Demoted!
You live here now
and get paid in pepperoni.
According to math,
Johnny Fifties can stay afloat
for eight weeks.
And we're gonna need
every minute of it
to get people
to love the '50s again.
'Cause you really have to
love the '50s
to stomach your signature
nauseating burgers.
I mean you no disrespect, Johnny.
My name is Sal.
I call it
"Operation '50s Heat Up:
Get 'Em Interested In The '50s
And Save Johnny Fifties!"
What if we call it
"Operation '50s Fever?"
Horrible idea.
Klaus, you're going to Milwaukee
to get the statue
of Arthur Fonzarelli,
aka The Bronze Fonz.
I need it! Go now!
I don't really need
the Fonz statue.
We just can't have
Klaus around
sloshing his bowl water
all over
everyone's classic cars.
Everyone will have
classic cars?
And more!
Here's some concept art
I had made to inspire us.
Cruisin' cars, lawn darts,
asbestos chunks,
Johnny Fifties bursting with
hungry Fonzie impersonators.
Stan, you seem to be leaning
pretty heavily on Fonzie.
Um, people also like,
I don't know, Elvis?
Oh, you mean Singing Fonzie.
Good idea!
I always wanted to be
like Marilyn Monroe
and have an air vent
blow my dress up!
You'll do it!
And Roger, you do your old
Wolfman Jack DJ persona.
That persona
was unforgettable.
What was his name again?
Wolfman Puck?
No, that's not it.
Don't worry,
it'll come
to me on the air.
Jeff, you're a beatnik,
and Steve, you can be a nerd
or "square."
Easy.
True to the time period,
I'll put tape on my glasses
to make them appear broken...
No need!
Just like James Dean,
I pulled my punch
so I only hurt
the glasses.
No you didn't!
Hayley,
you can be Spudnik.
He was a very famous potato.
Dad, you won't believe this.
Your walk gave me drive.
And that drive got me a job
as manager of a new SubHub
opening where Johnny Fifties
used to be!
But Johnny Fifties is where
Johnny Fifties used to be.
Not for long.
After I told them
it was closing,
SubHub sweet-talked the landlord
into taking over
the lease in two days!
But two days isn't nearly
enough time for my plan!
Aren't you happy for me?
Happy?
You betrayed me.
You're trying to destroy
a place I love.
So, you don't like it
when I don't have drive,
and you don't like
when I do have drive.
What even is this?
"Operation '50s Fever"?
My original idea.
Klaus was never here.
Blueprints for
a leather jacket?
A list of places
for Beaver to leave it?
This plan is so stupid.
Thank God I commissioned
concept art
for every possible betrayal.
This is exactly how I feel,
right down to my giant ass!
I can't let her
do this to me.
New plan!
Oh, good, that one
was kinda stupid...
The old plan, faster!
We'll do "Operation '50s Fever"
in 48 hours!
Why have I pinned my hopes
on this fool?
Would a fool get concept art
of himself
dressed as a court jester
pleading with the king
not to cut his head off
for not having enough bells
on his jester hat?
I'm a goner!
Welp, lesson learned.
Shoulda had more bells.
Big Daddy Stan
needs Langley to catch
a baaad case of '50s Fever
or else Hayley
will be proven right
that Stan's plan
to save Johnny Fifties
is a stupid, stuuuupid plan.
You heard it from me,
uh...
what's my name again?
The '50s was so long ago.
Wolfboy... George?
Did I mention Hayley thinks
Stan's plan is stupid?
Gah! I feel betrayed
by Hayley all over again!
- And by you!
- Why me?!
Because you're here
talking my ear off
when you should be
buying extra food
for when I ignite
'50s Fever!
But Stan,
I'm bankrupt...
You don't say
you're "bankrupt," Daddy-O.
You say you're
"on the skids."
I like your plan.
And I love not
wearing seatbelts.
Aah!
The CIA's Cuban Operations
really came through with these
classic cars on short notice.
Paging Mr. Bega,
can you say
"Mambo Number '50s"?
Plenty more where
that came from.
Like a greaser,
I've got goodies
rolled up all over my body.
Pack of raisins.
Box of Goobers
in my waistband.
Aah!
Where are
all the contestants?!
You had one simple job, Steve.
To gather 500 to 600 professional
Fonzie impersonators
on an hour's notice.
How was I supposed
to get the word out?
You won't let me use
my computer!
Before there was e-mail,
there was just plain
tell-e-grams.
And we attached them to the
infamously dangerous lawn darts.
Infamously
dangerously fun.
Have faith, son.
Trends always start with
one single brave
cool guy.
But this time it's not
James Dean.
It's James Me...
Enough of these faulty
toothpicks!
It's time to show Hayley
just how wrong she is.
Okay, one more try.
Oh, Marilyn!
Time to walk
over that normal vent!
I'm in a hurry!
Outta my way!
Whoa, the air's so hot!
My genitals!
Aaaaaaagh!
Hey, let's play chicken!
Whoa!
Someone shred that guy
and slather him
in hot mayonnaise
and marshmallows,
because he's a chicken,
and that's my recipe
for Chicken Ambrosia.
Here's one that never fails
to spark '50s Fever...
Passing a milkshake
between cars.
I can't reach you!
I like bongos!
Too thick!
The way it used to be!
Aah!
Ribs broken by
steering column...
the way it used to be.
Yes!
Yay!
With '50s Fever
failing to catch,
it looks like SubHub's
new location is all
but a certainty,
which means...
I'm really
gonna be a manager!
With a manager's salary.
And a manager's mansion.
Who is this
concept artist everyone's using?
None of this would be possible
without you.
My rod is too hot!
And the Goobers in my pants
melted!
Yeah.
None of this would be possible
without me.
You feel bad for a man
who doesn't want his daughter
to live in a mansion?
The best type of house?!
It's all Hayley's fault!
I should've known
she'd mess up having drive
like she has everything
else in her life.
That's it.
You're live
on the air with...
some kinda wolf...
Dad,
I know you're listening,
and I want you to know
I'm with people who appreciate
my drive
so much
I'm getting a mansion.
Wow. For our listeners
who don't know,
that's the best type of
house.
So just give up now
and stop embarrassing yourself!
Another caller!
This isn't over, Hayley.
The fever is catching.
It's the loser '50s guy!
He's cheating
and using a cellphone!
Loser?
Maybe free asbestos
will change your mind!
The miracle molecule
of the '50s!
- Ugh!
- And, uh...
it's only gonna get more
feverish when people see,
uh...
...a James Dean type like me
in a classic teenage knife fight
up at the old observatory!
DJ, play a song
of betrayal.
I wanna dedicate it
to my daughter.
♪ Betrayal
is a terrible thing ♪
♪ The pain can last so long ♪
♪ Oh, the devil's gonna poke
you in your giant ass ♪
♪ And your daughter's
gonna cheer him on ♪
Watch out, teens!
This rebel's gonna cause you
to love the '50s!
Oh, my God!
You stabbed me!
It's just a nick!
Please like this
so I can prove
my daughter wrong!
Please, I beg you!
I'm not crazy!
I just really love
a restaurant.
That's him! The Bowzer
from Sha Na Na lookalike
who pooped his pants!
James Dean... Goobers.
Yeah,
that's what they all say.
We've got a warrant for your
arrest and plenty of witnesses.
Before you arrest me,
I just want to say
none of that stuff
I did was wrong
in the '50s.
You could get away with
all kinds of
crazy stuff because...
♪ We didn't know
that was bad yet ♪
♪ We didn't know
that could kill ya ♪
♪ Turn back the page
to an innocent age ♪
♪ We didn't know it was wrong ♪
You threw a lawn dart
in my skull!
♪ We didn't know
it was wrong! ♪
You stabbed my son!
♪ We didn't know,
we didn't know ♪
You threw asbestos
in my face!
♪ Now you're insulated,
dude ♪
My genitals!
♪ Wow, you're Howdy Doody
smooth ♪
♪ Turn back the page
to an innocent age ♪
♪ We didn't know
it was wrong ♪
But what if someone
gets hurt?
The nurses all wear
funny hats!
What about the rampant sexism
and racism?
It was wrong then
and it is wrong now
and in our new '50s,
it isn't allowed!
The Fonzies came!
- ♪ Ay ♪
- ♪ Ay ♪
♪ We're Fonzies
and we're here to say ♪
- ♪ Ay ♪
- ♪ Ay ♪
♪ '50s fever's
here to stay ♪
I get it! The '50s were about
willful ignorance!
Now you're razzin'
my berries!
So I don't have to
go to school?
♪ That was the opposite
of cool ♪
And I can litter
on the ground?
♪ I call it nature's
lost and found ♪
And I can eat trans fats?
♪ Some say that's where
the flavor's at ♪
So I can stab my son?
♪ It's just a nick,
and yes, it's fun! ♪
So I can drink and drive?
♪ Fonzie did it
all the time ♪
Ay!
♪ Turn back the page
to an innocent age ♪
♪ We didn't know
it was wrong ♪
Now that you've ignited
'50s Fever, what's next, Stan?
Going to Johnny Fifties,
saving it at long last?
Too soon.
These people aren't
hungry enough yet to choke down
that wretched slop.
Everyone, to the Sock Hop!
It's over, Hayley.
Everyone can't have
'50s Fever.
My god,
it's happening in here!
Wail on that black forest ham,
big daddy!
Welp, we're throwing
in the towel.
SubHub Corporate is as quick to
give up as we are to celebrate.
Why would he do this
to me?
He wanted me
to have drive.
Wait...
drive...
Time to fight '50s
with '50s.
Aah!
Now that you've danced
yourselves ravenous
and would eat trash
like wild boars, let's go...
save Johnny Fift...
I challenge you
to a drag race!
If I win the race,
SubHub takes over
Johnny Fifties.
Ha!
Why would I accept that
when I already have
everything I want?
Because...
'50s Honor demands it.
Audience chanting
"'50s Honor!"...
Okay! Okay!
'50s Honor,
which I've just heard of,
is everything to me!
Let's drag!
Everyone's finally tuning
into me, Dogboy Chuck,
as we all wonder
who will win the big drag race.
It's Stan vs. Hayley,
Johnny Fifties vs. SubHub,
past vs. Future,
today's glory holes
vs. Giant '50s
Looney Tunes sized
glory holes
where you can just wave
at the guy or the gal
on the other side.
Hayley, before I win,
I should finally be
honest with you.
I wish Fonzie
was my daughter.
You're sick, Dad.
And Fonzie is really more
of a '70s icon!
Fonzie, Chachi, Potsie, Richie,
Fonzie, Chachi, Potsie, Richie!
Don't!
These cars are death traps!
Don't worry, Steve.
I've had my mechanics
working all night.
Show 'em, boys!
Ay!
Safe enough for ya,
Steve?
And I'm DJ Apeman Snack,
the voice of a generation
and the face of a genera...
Damn it, you can't see
my face on the radio.
I'll text you all a picture
of my face
using AMBER Alert technology.
Look at it even
if you're driving.
Sorry if my dick is also
in the picture.
Don't let that
shock you off the road.
And take off those seatbelts,
it's the '50s!
Vietnam's around the corner
and it's gonna git ya!
And now the song
you've all been waiting for,
my very own number-one hit
from 1958,
"Drag Race Angels"!
This one's dedicated
to Stan and Hayley.
♪ Drag race angels ♪
♪ A father who's mean ♪
♪ Drag race angels ♪
♪ A daughter who dreams ♪
Wait a second,
I know this song.
It was our song!
♪ Remember when Hayley ♪
♪ Was just a little girl? ♪
♪ You'd eat at Johnny Fifties ♪
♪ And drink a Malt
with two straws ♪
♪ You love these memories ♪
♪ Not the '50s,
you crazy drag race angel ♪
Wow.
This song really takes me back.
And a lot of the lyrics
make more sense now than ever.
I loved Johnny Fifties
because of the time
I spent there with Hayley.
But I can spend time
with her now!
Must kill Dad!
Eesh.
Or maybe I can't.
Man, how would Fonzie
fix this?
Ay!
Nay!
The Bronze Fonz, Stan!
I took some '50s-style benzos
and drove to Milwaukee
and back in one day!
Johnny Fifties is saved!
Oh, my God!
Dad, are you okay?
Oh, Hayley, forgive me.
I haven't been James Dean
or James Me.
I've been plain old
James Mean.
Dad, you... you might have
brain damage.
One of your pupils
is so big.
That's because I'm looking
at someone I love so big.
Hayley, I want you to know
I support you
wherever your drive
takes you next,
SubHub or no SubHub.
The toothpicks are back!
I'm gonna drive you
to the hospital.
I spy
with my little eye...
A table!
Aww, it's our table!
♪ Table angels ♪
♪ They love each other now ♪
♪ Don't worry about Sal ♪
♪ He sells Chicken Ambrosia,
wow ♪
♪ He's a billionaire ♪
♪ Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
Bye-bye!
See you soon!