American Dad! (2005–…): Season 17, Episode 5 - Epic Powder Dump - full transcript

How about this Jamaican resort?

We can escape the chilly
Langley winter

at a heavily guarded
manmade beach!

Or we could check out
Willie Nelson's Museum in Nashville.

Dude loves weed
and headbands!

I've heard your input,
and I propose we do...

None of those things!

You could've just
had me move that.

The Smith clan shall vacation
in rustic pines!

The Quaint Ski town?

Where I used
to go as a kid?



I know that look on
everyone's face, Mr. S.

They're about to yell,

"Jeff, nobody has
any frickin' idea

what you're
talking about!"

Picture it... we'll wake up
with the sun,

Ski through peaceful woods,
a mountain breeze in our hair.

Ahh.

Then, we'll retire
to a tiny log cabin

with no water
or electricity

and poop in an outhouse,
like god intended.

Ugh!

Honey, thumbs up
on the fun ski stuff,

but thumbs down on the pooping
like an animal.

How about a nice hotel?



Vacations aren't about
fancy-pants hotels

with robot toilets.

They're about getting away
from it all.

I'll give it a try, Stan.

Go with the flow,
that's what I always say.

I guess, but this
"go" seems like

it flows somewhere shitty.

Your father has a different
idea of "fun"

because his family grew up...

I don't want to say "poor"...

but with less money than
a family needs to not be poor.

Poor?
I don't think so.

In fact, my pops even bought me
a fake ID at age 6

so I could sell my blood.

In conclusion, not poor.

What are you guys up to?
Never mind, don't care.

I'm turning my alcove
into a home office,

and its gonna be siiick!

But, seriously,
what are you guys up to?

Can I do it, too?
Pleeeease?

So, "maybe," then?

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

- ♪ Good...
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
♪AMERICAN DAD!♪

Anyone see
"it all" around here?

The answer is no because we
officially got away from that!

Get a lung full of
this fresh mountain air.

Huh. That actually
is kinda nice.

I don't know.

It all just smells
like squirrel farts to me.

Shh!

And if that's not
enough nature for you,

the forecast calls
for an epic powder dump...

A skier's paradise.

Prepare for total relaxation
in 3, 2...

- That was relaxing.
- I don't get it.

There's never traffic
heading into

this little
nothing of a town.

Someone must've hit a moose
or froze to death

in their car
or something else picturesque.

Welcome to heaven.

When I was a kid,
we had a game

to see who could touch
that sign first.

And we're all playing it
right now!

I win! Tee-hee!

Log Cabin Sign Condos?

Awesome!
Bet it has a pool!

Bet it has one of
those little pools

with super hot water!

You mean a hot tub?

Maybe.

You know, where you go
like this!

A soup bowl?

No, that's hot tub, mom.

He always ends up
with some kind of gi issue.

This place
is terrible now!

Stan, my dude, relax.

You're not poor anymore.
You've earned a trip like this.

We were never poor,
you idiot!

Oh, idiot, huh?

Would an idiot... aah!

I said, would an idiot...

aah!

Never mind.
I've ruined my quick comeback.

We've been
in this line so long,

I've named all the butts
in front of us.

Droopy, lumpy, kinda hot,
mean pumpkin.

And the loudmouth of
the group, fart butt.

Please tell me I'm either
kinda hot or mean pumpkin.

Come on, be honest
with yourself.

That chairlift line
is moving just fine!

Oh, hey, guys,
I found you!

Ew, Stan,

What are those
fashion don'ts on your feet?

My dad had these
custom-made for me

from our neighbor's
very expensive fence material.

What's going on
with your line?

- Nobody's even wearing skis!
- Don't need 'em!

My crew is all about
"après ski,"

The party scene after skiing.

Except we also do it before
skiing and instead of skiing.

We're heading up
to a sick mountaintop club.

I got you all express passes!

Nobody wants your
party passes.

We're here to ski
and name butts,

and we're all out
of butts.

- I'll take a pass!
- Oh, great.

Fart butt gets to go up.

So, fart butt, is that short
for fartholomew buttons?

The ultimate home office.

Pens to sign
important documents,

paperclips to clip
those documents together,

and, of course,
a big-ass landline phone.

No dial tone?

Time to call tech support
and unleash hell!

Telestar support,
Sara speaking.

Hey, Sara,
your shitty company sold me

a defective phone!

I am so sorry
about that, sugar.

And here I was upset
about the rain.

Well, it...
it's not your fault, Sara.

And rain
does kinda suck.

Sorry I got so mad.

It's okay.
I understand.

You... Understand me?

Sure!

This must be frustrating.

It is!

Wow, you really get me.

So, what are you
up to tonight, Sara?

I'm sorry,
I-I didn't catch that.

Oh, let me take you
off speaker...

Sara! Come back to me!

Telestar support,
Mindy speaking.

Put Sara back on!

I'm sorry, sir,
there's no Sara here.

You see, telestar has agents
located all over the country...

Sar-a-a-a-a-a!

♪ I like to après, aprs ♪

♪ I like to après, aprs ♪

Don't drink it,
spray it!

That's how you
après ski!

I'm such a good skier!

Mc avalanche in the house!

Okay, gang, time for our first
and last run of the day,

So let's make
the best of...

Whoo-hoo! Hey!

Dammit, these morons
are everywhere!

Here, Stan, the traditional
peace offering of my people.

Join us.

I pity you, Roger.

Everyone in this family
but you is content

to enjoy
the wonders of nature.

Stan, get over here!

The bartender lady will spray
beer right in your Face!

I'm invoking vacation
veto power.

Everyone get down here
and back in your skis!

Sorry, y'all!

Scratchin' ain't so easy
with m-m-m-mittens!

Dad, this trip
sucks a fat hog.

Climbing garbage
to get our skis?

Can we just go home?

Hey, I'm doing this
for you guys.

I thought we could
get away

and... find a little
quiet solitude.

And beautiful views...

...and a mountain breeze...

Aaaaaah!

You read my mind, Steve!

The rustic family ski trip
we've all been craving

is right here...
At the dump!

Aaaaah!

Unh!

Cold penis!

Steve, the dump won't be
a safe place to ski

until you clear
the household appliances!

Sorry, I was busy
getting this used condom

out of my hair.

A valid excuse.

Honey, how's
the bunny slope coming?

I think I found
some medical waste.

That's the spirit!
My turn!

Wheeeeee!

Whoa. Cabin 3!

These must be the logs
from the torn-down cabins

- I used to stay in!
- That's nice, Stan.

So, the kids and I
have been talking,

and maybe it's time we...

Are you crying?

It's just,
I wanna thank you for

letting me give you the vacation
I've always wanted to.

I love you guys.
Sorry. You were saying?

Um...

I was saying we should
stay here and keep...

Trashin' it up.

Great idea!

Let's all
reconstruct cabin 3!

You know who else built a cabin?
Abraham Lincoln.

He also got
shot in the head,

but not everyone
gets that lucky.

Mr. Heisler,
I'm the highest-ranking

Support Manager at Telestar,

and I'm not able to
"bring you Sara" even if you do

"tweet my personal info to your
millions of rabid followers."

Send a company-wide
e-mail to every Sara

and tell them
the man of their dreams

is searching for them!

Sir, I'm sorry
you can't figure out

how to use your telephone
and fell in love with the woman

who tried to help you,
but I'm hanging up now.

- Aah!
- Aah!

What are you doing here?

Sometimes I miss Steve
when he's on vacation,

So I just come over
and live here.

I'm going
a little crazy myself.

Yesterday I made
a love connection

with a Tech-support babe,

but we got disconnected,
and I can't find her.

Klaus, this is
your lucky day.

Years of looking for
my deadbeat dad made me

an expert tracker.

Tell me about your call.

Well, I was mad
about my phone,

and she was upset
it was raining...

Stop.

It only rained in nine
American cities yesterday.

You put on a pot of coffee,

I'll scrub my search history
from Steve's computer.

We've got a girl to find.

Guys, I've been thinking.

Spraying champagne
is played out.

It's time to innovate.

Ha! Look at those losers
skiing on trash at the dump.

Oh, no! Stan is ruining
their vacation.

I have to save them!

I'm innovating, too!

Who wants
a champagne enema?!

A little later.

I have to save them
a little later.

Guess who christened
the outhouse.

It was me!
I destroyed it!

Everything's destroyed here, dad.
It's a dump.

The powder dump begins.

Tomorrow, we shall ski
upon pillows of fairy dust.

We'll need plenty of rest,

so it's time for everyone
to go to sleep.

But it's so early!
Nobody's tired!

Don't worry, I found
a gasoline-soaked rag

We can all share.

I'll use it first,
and when I pass out,

You can remove it
from my face so I don't die.

Then the next person
will take it, pass out,

and so forth
in a round-Robin system.

But what about
the last person?

A big snowball?

Wait.
There's something in here.

"Dearest Smiths,
I bring news of a better life

just a few hundred feet
above you,

where the champagne
flows like wine,

and the wine
also flows like wine.

There's a lotta booze up here
is what I'm saying.

And I have a plan.

Did you get my big snowball note
about the plan?!

The rain rules out everything
west of the Mississippi,

and Telestar has no offices
north of Philadelphia.

You said Sara called
you "Sugar."

In a southern accent...
The sweet kind,

not the swamp-person kind.

What else?
I need details, damn it!

She was super into me,

practically trying to bang me
over the phone...

No made-up details.

Sorry, you didn't specify.

I heard a train whistle!

That's an Amtrak
Viewliner 3850.

Says here, "only one left
in circulation,

runs daily from
do to blacksburg."

And at the time
you called Sara,

it was cruisin'
right through Roanoke.

My true love
works in Roanoke!

They've got the best
Jersey Mike's!

It's a match made in heaven!

Whoa.

We're getting dusted
pretty good.

I should make sure
they can breathe.

This isn't Steve at all!

It's a snowsteve!

A steveman?
A stevesnow?

Hayley? Jeff?

Francine, the kids snuck out

and replaced themselves
with snowkids!

Kidmen? Snowsnows?

We gotta find them.

One, two, three...

Shot ski!

You've all betrayed me!

My plan worked!
Stan's ready to join the fun!

I dunno.
He's kinda got murder face.

Roger I get, but the rest of you
are blood relatives.

Well, technically,
only Steve and Hayley are,

but Francine and me
do it all the time,

and... Jeff and I
became blood brothers

after we found that dead body
by the train tracks.

Sorry we left you, dad.
It's just...

How do I say this?

Your trip sucks, and après ski
is way more fun.

That's exactly
how you say it.

We tried to be nice, honey,

But just because
you grew up poor

and had to pretend to like
terrible vacations

doesn't mean we have to.

For the last time,
we weren't poor!

We all shared one fork
to save time doing dishes!

And I don't
need any of you!

I can do a family trip
all by myself!

Wow, it's coming down heavy.

I can't see the trail.

Oh, god, I've lost my way!
I'm gonna die out here!

Wait. There's a light.
I'm saved!

Lord, you saved me!

What?

Who needs a loving family
to enjoy things with?

Those fools have no idea
what they're missing.

Whee!

Yeah!

Yes! Me!

Whoo!

Wake up, party people!

Mc avalanche is cookin' up
fat beats and salty meats

for your boozy
brunchy pleasure!

Mimosa time, bitches!

Poor Stan.

Will you ever find what
you've been looking for?

This is exactly what
I've been looking for!

Yee-haw!

Haw... haw!

Oh, god, oh, god!

I'm doing it!

I'm outrunning the avalanche!

Stan got buried by
an avalanche at the dump!

M-m-m-mittens!

Oh, my god!

Après ski crew,

I call on you to help us
find our missing friend!

Nah.

Nah?

Yeah, nah.

We wanna keep partying.

This is the address.

You sure you wanna do this?

I'm good at figuring out
where people are

but not so good at figuring out
where they are emotionally.

If it's meant to be,
it's meant to be.

I guess it wasn't meant to be.

I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Not much air left.

Must take...

Smallest breaths possible...

Because running out of air...

Let's just say...

isn't the best outcome...

For ol' Stan Smith.

This ski trip sucks!

Why doesn't our cabin
have any heat?

Because we're getting away
from it all, that's why!

Can't we go
to the regular zoo?

This is better
than the regular zoo.

The animals are in
their natural habitat.

Stan, go check if there's
anything left in that.

This cruise sucks!

Why can't we leave our room?

Because it's not
a real cruise, Stan!

We're very, very poor!

How the hell does this imbecile
not get it by now?!

My childhood family trips...

actually sucked!

And there's a chance...

we were kinda...

Poor.

Stop après skiing and help me
find my papa!

Hey, gang!

You guys love partying,
we wanna search!

What if we combine
the two and do...

A search party?

Search partyyyyyyyyyy!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Yeah!
- I'm gonna be a hero!

Après squad, fan out
and find Stan!

Par-tay!

Whoo, yeah!

Let's find Dan!

Whoo!

Oh, Stan.

You only wanted us
to have a fun trip.

Look! Dad's crappy
old wooden ski!

Breathe, dad!

Breathe your stupid
fresh mountain air!

- Life!
- Thanks, guys.

You know, while I was
trapped in there,

I had a lot of time
to hallucinate.

I've been forcing this
crappy trip on all of you.

I'm a failure as a parent.

I wouldn't say that.

Sure, they only had fun
because you drove them away,

but... you still gave them

a better vacation
than you had growing up.

I did, didn't I?

I broke the vicious cycle of
having to take crappy vacations.

Let's après skiiiiii!

Hit it, mc avalanche!

I...
don't think he's able to.

Oh. Then maybe
call an ambulance!

Bye!
Have a beautiful time!

Sync & corrections done by srjanapala