American Dad! (2005–…): Season 17, Episode 4 - A Roger Story - full transcript
Steve and Snot's friendship is threatened when their moms decide to no longer be friends. As Francine and Mrs. Lonstein's relationship becomes increasingly hostile they impose rules on the boys, forbidding them from seeing each other. In desperation the boys turn to Roger for help, but Roger is in the midst of his own personal journey to figure out a new persona.
I love when our moms have book club.
They talk books, and we have...
- Weeknight sleepovers!
- Weeknight sleepovers!
Two best friends,
just doing their thang,
making collages or whatnot.
While my mom gets too
drunk to drive me home.
"Treasure Island"! What'd you think?
So good!
How crazy was Gonzo's story arc?!
- Gonzo?
- Yeah!
When they pulled him down from the sail
and his fuzzy blue arms
got all stretched out
and he snapped back like a window blind!
Dut-dut-dut-dut-dut-dut-dut.
That's good writing.
Francine, did you watch
"Muppet Treasure Island"
instead of reading the book?
Yes. But it's basically the same thing.
There's no muppets in the book!
That sounds boring.
Steve, I don't want
to bore you with the math.
Oh, by all means, do.
These biweekly book club meetings
account for almost
40% of our friendship.
Snot, you've confirmed
what I've always suspected.
Weeknight sleepovers are the
cornerstone of our friendship.
The fact our moms are friends
makes us the luckiest
boys in the universe.
Do you like the way I drew the letters?
They look like they came
out of a magazine, right?
You're out of your mind if
you think Gonzo's a dog.
He's blue.
He woofed when he saw the treasure!
Sometimes I think we don't
have anything in common.
Are we just pretending to get along
because our sons are friends?
I think so.
Maybe we can... stop?
Let's never hang out again!
Steve!
We have an exciting announcement.
Snot's mom and I have decided to
stop pretending to be friends.
Pretending?
Yep! Book club is canceled forever.
[GASPS] A 40% decrease in friendship?
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Please, you have to stay friends!
Think of the children!
No one's saying you
two can't be friends.
Why does it matter if we are?
Well, I don't want to bore you
with the math, Mrs. Smith...
Please, don't.
Listen,
maybe you just need to clear the air.
Why don't we talk about what
bothers you about each other?
I'll start.
She's never seen
"Muppet Treasure Island,"
which is a big problem for me.
Book club is just an excuse
for you to get shithosed!
You brought your own bartender!
Paul Gary's the name,
mixologist is the game!
I've got aperol spritzes.
Boiling hot aperol spritzes!
He's not even a good bartender!
Aperol spritzers are served cold!
What are you,
the aperol spritzers police?!
I'm sorry,
I'm defensive because you're right.
I'm a terrible mixologist!
Let's go, Steve.
Our friendship will survive this, right?
[VOICE BREAKING] I'll need
to crunch the numbers.
If Paul Gary isn't a mixologist,
then who is he?
This is the beginning... Shh!
...beginning of a
deeply personal journey.
This is... Get over yourselves!
...my story.
Cheer up, Steve.
We can still be friends
even if our moms aren't.
Your moms aren't friends anymore?
Well, I'm out.
I am not gonna watch your
friendship fall apart.
What are you talking about?
Your moms being friends is the glue
holding the two of you together.
It's like on the show "Friends."
Remember how their
friendship was held together
by a deep mutual love
of being paid a million
dollars an episode?
That's your moms.
[SCOFFS] That's... That's crazy.
Toshi, tell him.
Toshi? Toshi! Say something!
I speak fluent English
and have the whole time.
Hey, guys, are your moms friends?
Uh, was "The Poisonwood Bible"
written by Barbara Kingsolver?
We're not losing Barry and Toshi.
How do we fix this?
ROGER: May I suggest drugging the moms?
Are you the bartender
from my mom's house?
Sort of. You see,
I'm on a deeply personal
journey to find out who I am.
Okay.
Paul Gary isn't a mixologist,
so I enrolled at Pearl Bailey
to use the chemistry lab.
Because I am now... A. Paul Gary,
drug mixologist.
I mix illegal narcotics
together to see what they do.
And recently,
I came across something interesting.
I was working in my lab late one night,
when my eyes beheld an eerie sight.
That's "Monster Mash," right?
You're doing "Monster Mash"?
Never heard of it.
Anyway, I was working in the lab
late one night...
♪ When my eyes beheld an eerie sight ♪
♪ I had acid on a tab, weed in a bag ♪
♪ A splash of ether on a rag ♪
- ♪ He did the mash ♪
- ♪ He did the mash ♪
♪ I did the narcotics mash ♪
- ♪ Narcotics mash ♪
- ♪ Narcotics mash ♪
♪ It was a coked-out bash ♪
This is "Monster Mash"!
I don't know that song!
I don't know any songs!
All I do know is your moms are milds...
mothers I'd like to drug.
And the mash I discovered in
my lab works as a love drug.
Drugs can make people fall in love?
Drugs can do almost anything
once you realize they're
super good for you.
Anyway, I'm proposing we dose
your moms with the love drug
and make them fall back in love!
And it will work?
Steve, are you actually
thinking about doing this?
- What other options do we have?
- I don't know!
We only brainstormed
for like two seconds
before we started talking to this guy.
Snot's in! Love that enthusiasm!
I'll mix up the drugs,
and you two trick your moms
- into meeting up!
- ♪ They did the mash ♪
- Aah! Scary song!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
I can't believe the "Impractical Jokers"
are doing a meet-and-greet
in Langley Falls!
Yeah, well, it's true.
Steve, you seem nervous.
Wait, are you worried the
jokers are gonna joke you?
[CHUCKLES] Don't flatter yourself.
No one's putting a hot
dog in your pocket.
Now, remember, Snot,
when we meet the jokers,
you're my nephew.
Francine.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Shove! Drugs!
- What is this?
- Don't leave me in here...
Congrats on a perfectly
executed drugging, boys.
To the 33rd floor!
- Whoa.
- I really hope this works.
Did you even notice that I
basically teleported us up here?
I was impressed.
Thank you, Snot's mom's kid.
Now, by the time these doors open,
your moms will be fast friends,
unless the dose is too strong.
Are you two prepared to
see your moms hooking up?
I'm not saying it's what I want to see,
but I won't be disappointed.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- Well, I hope you two...
- [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMS]
What is happening?!
They're worse than before!
This might not be a love drug.
[SNIFFS] Yeah, this is meth.
I made meth.
Welp, when in Rome... [SNIFFS]
Aah!
[GRUNTING]
Well, this is surprising.
So to get us to be friends,
you drugged us?!
I don't want you seeing Snot anymore.
He's a terrible influence on you!
- What?!
- No way!
I forbid Snot from seeing Steve!
He's the one who started
calling him Snot,
and now everyone says it!
No, mom! Please, it was my fault.
It's my fault! Don't do this!
- [SOBBING]
- But it's really my fault.
I'm a terrible drug mixologist.
Will A. Paul Gary ever know
who he's supposed to be?
My story continues.
♪♪
Well, I'm off. Goodbye, father.
Goodbye, sister. Goodbye, fish.
Damn, he left out mother.
Don't try to sneak around
with Snot at school!
I will find out!
We're finally getting rid of Snot?
Good. That kid is the worst.
- Stan, you love Snot.
- I do?
Yeah, I think
your "Memento"-style amnesia
is acting up.
You need to check your tattoos.
- _
- Interesting.
- _
- Concerning.
_
Oh, yeah! Why are we getting rid
of Snot? He's the best!
Because mom can't put her son
ahead of her selfish wants.
That's how it started.
But then someone decided
to drug their mom.
Oh, if it was so awful,
then why did you and Roger
finish the baggie and go
to that warehouse party?!
I had no choice but to dance it off!
"You appreciate your family."
That doesn't sound right.
No, it doesn't.
♪♪
Gosh, our moms did not respond
well to getting dosed, huh?
No kidding.
My mom told me I couldn't
even see you at school.
Rule breakers!
Last night,
I got a phone call from your mom, Smith.
This friendship has
always weirded me out,
and I am on board with tearing it apart!
Billy!
Here are your new schedules.
Zero classes together.
Billy, why are you helping him?
I've already got the stitches.
Might as well be a snitches.
♪♪
[GRUNTS]
- Aah!
- Aah!
♪♪
♪♪
Aah!
♪♪
What are we going to do?
Lewis is everywhere.
We could build a friendship here.
This stall isn't so bad.
I'm doing a "Trainspotting"!
Steve and Snot, two friends,
both alike in stupidity.
Busted as hell!
Since you can't be trusted,
I'll be escorting Smith
to his next class.
- Aah!
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
[PEBBLES CLINKING]
- [INSECTS CHIRPING]
- Steve!
What are you doing here?
I can't sit at home knowing
you're down the road
staring up at the same stars as me!
I actually don't look
at the stars that often.
They've always kind of bored me.
[BULBS POPS, ENGINE REVS]
That's right, chuckle heads!
I'm patrolling your houses, too!
Run!
♪♪
[ENGINE REVVING]
♪♪
[TIRES SCREECH]
Go in on foot, Billy!
I'll cut them off on the other side.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
I think we lost him.
[BOTH GASP]
End of the road...
- [FLASHLIGHT CLICKS]
- ...for my hypocrisy.
I, too, know what it is to be in love.
[CHUCKLING] I wouldn't
say we're in love.
But my father forbids our union.
I don't know why. He created her!
Isn't she beautiful?
- Yeah, yeah, super pretty.
- Uh-huh, totally.
Now go! Wait!
He needs to think you overpowered me.
I know violence isn't
in your nature, but...
Eat knuckles, freak!
You went easy on me, Steve!
Ma'am.
Psst. Over here!
- Wait, this is that bartender again.
- Mixologist.
And, yes,
I'm still on a deeply personal journey
to discover who I'm supposed to be.
But I think I've figured it out!
And I've gone full apothecary!
That's right!
A. Paul Gary is now A. Poth E. Cary,
dealing in potions and poisons.
Which, at the moment,
are a little difficult to tell apart
because my label maker is garbage.
I hear you've got a real
"Romeo and Juliet" problem.
Well, I have
a "Romeo and Juliet" solution...
fake your deaths!
Uhh...
Yes! There's that famous
Snot enthusiasm!
You see, on this shelf,
I've got thousands of
unlabeled potions and poisons.
This will put you in a deep slumber,
indistinguishable from death.
When you're found "dead,"
your mothers will blame themselves.
We'll time it so you wake
up at your own funeral,
and then you pop out of your coffins,
and they'll be so relieved,
they'll let you be friends again!
Steve, we can't do this.
The love drug was a disaster.
Disaster? This guy's acting like
you didn't see me punching
myself in the dick.
We don't have another choice.
Okay, let's do it.
Wait.
That one was the poison.
There.
There.
There.
Actually, whoa. Here's the potion.
All the little ones
are full of poison... I think.
But let's just decide to feel confident.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
♪♪
♪♪
_
♪♪
♪♪
[BOTH CRYING]
Steve and Snot had a friendship so close
that they died in each other's arms,
clinging so tight that they
could not be separated.
Now they will be laid to rest together,
in one big-ass coffin.
[BOTH CRYING]
Francine, I'm so sorry.
All I had to do was pretend to like you,
and none of this would have happened!
No, Snot's mom. I'm sorry.
I'd spend an eternity
pretending to like you
if it meant Steve would be alive again.
After our loved ones move on,
do we ever see them again on this earth?
Most people say no,
but I say,
sometimes we get a second chance!
Hmm. Shit.
I must've given them poison.
How could that have happened?
Everyone, I have an announcement.
This is actually a real funeral.
This is a strange eulogy.
Uh, second announcement...
I'm not a good apothecary.
My story marches onward.
Please don't let Roger
speak at my funeral.
Guys, I know you're sad about Snot,
but let me turn that grief into relief,
that sadness into gladness,
that sorrow into
"the sun'll come out tomorrow".
Huh, I'm good at these.
Wait! I was gonna tell you something!
You know how I've been
on this crazy adventure
trying to nail down this persona?
- Uh-huh!
- Well, I got it!
Apothe-Carrie Bradshaw, sex blogger!
I couldn't help but wonder,
would Steve be alive
if I hadn't accidentally poisoned him?
But sometimes that's how it goes
when you're "Sex and the City."
- You poisoned Steve?!
- And Snot!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy!
If you really miss him,
we can get him back.
What the hell are you talking about?!
We can go to the underworld
and get him back.
The underworld?!
No mortal knows the
path to the underworld!
Yeah-huh! There's an elevator
in the back of Sub Hub.
They had a promotion in the '80s
where they were sending people to hell.
Now that my two favorite sad moms
have put their differences aside,
it's time to get their boys back.
Then maybe brunch?
We still have to find
out who sold them poison.
No, we don't! Stay focused.
Now, through this door lies
the entrance to the underworld.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Join me on the elevator.
Or hell-evator,
as those Sub Hub marketing geniuses
referred to it in the summer of '87.
Here's how it works...
everyone gets sent to different floors
based on how they lived their lives.
There's a floor for philanderers,
gossips, heretics.
Oh! There's a Cinnabon on six!
- Roger!
- Okay, okay!
Someone's in a hurry
to find their dead son.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- I think this should be it.
Snot's mom, Steve's mom,
- welcome to the floor for masturbators.
- [ALL MOANING]
I mean, it makes sense...
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
That was... horrifying!
Hmm, no Steve and Snot.
Also, strange it's just
a twisted landscape
full of guys cranking it.
Doesn't seem like a punishment.
More like a really good warehouse party.
- Which floor is next?
- Sodomites.
I'd recommend waiting here.
- [BIRD CAWS]
- ALL: Roger!
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, BIRD CAWING]
- Did you stop at the Cinnabon?
- Yep.
And even better,
I finally figured out who Paul Gary is.
A sodomite!
My journey has come to an end!
Oh, interesting.
The eighth floor is
just for nibbling tush.
My journey might just
be getting started!
Roger! Where are the boys?
I'm out of ideas.
Maybe we just talk to the man in charge?
And then no matter what he tells us,
we can circle back to
the tush nibbling floor.
And I'm sending my e-mail...
now.
Okay, what are we doing here?
What do we need?
We're looking for our sons.
I will take you to them.
They are with the worst of the worst.
The floor for people
who support live comedy.
I didn't say a billion oil tankers.
I said a billion oil tankers!
Oops, I told that wrong! That's my time!
ANNOUNCER: Alright!
Keep it going for Crazy Dave.
Up next, he's the only comedian
down here... Crazy Dave!
Just a reminder, guys.
This is a punishment for me, too.
There they are!
- Steve!
- Mom!
- Snot!
- Snot's mom!
You're coming home.
Who says we want to go?
Yeah, down here,
no one says we can't be friends.
You can be friends back home.
Steve, I'm sorry.
As a mother, I should've put you first.
And it was wrong of me to do
something that made you die.
I'm sorry, too, Snot.
Children should be alive.
Wow, you guys really
have learned your lesson.
I love you, mom. Let's go home.
Not so fast!
I can't just release souls back
into the world of the living.
A bargain must be struck!
[BOTH GASP]
Yow! That was sick!
[WARBLING]
Your refusal to spend time together
started Steve and Snot on the
journey that led them here.
If you want them to go back,
you must stay behind
in this room together.
Ugh, really?
For how long?
For eternity!
I heard you at the funeral!
You said you would!
But they'll be miserable
without their mothers!
They won't remember you. No one will.
It will be as if you never existed.
But they will be alive.
And they'll have each other?
We accept.
Okay, great! That's great.
Just a bit of business...
In a half-hour or so,
one of my archangels is
actually gonna need this room,
so we'll probably have to
move you to another room.
No, you know what?
I'm the devil, I'm the boss.
You're gonna stay here.
He can go to another room.
You know what? I should ask.
[WARBLING]
Hey, wanna stay over at my
single dad's house tonight?
Weeknight sleepover!
I'll call my sisterless uncle!
♪♪
♪ If I die before I'm famous ♪
♪ What's the point of anything? ♪
♪ I'm too sentimental to get... ♪
STAN: In a different timeline,
you have different tattoos.
That makes sense.
Francine loves "Muppet Treasure Island."
Francine? Who is...
Francine!
Bye! Have a great time!
They talk books, and we have...
- Weeknight sleepovers!
- Weeknight sleepovers!
Two best friends,
just doing their thang,
making collages or whatnot.
While my mom gets too
drunk to drive me home.
"Treasure Island"! What'd you think?
So good!
How crazy was Gonzo's story arc?!
- Gonzo?
- Yeah!
When they pulled him down from the sail
and his fuzzy blue arms
got all stretched out
and he snapped back like a window blind!
Dut-dut-dut-dut-dut-dut-dut.
That's good writing.
Francine, did you watch
"Muppet Treasure Island"
instead of reading the book?
Yes. But it's basically the same thing.
There's no muppets in the book!
That sounds boring.
Steve, I don't want
to bore you with the math.
Oh, by all means, do.
These biweekly book club meetings
account for almost
40% of our friendship.
Snot, you've confirmed
what I've always suspected.
Weeknight sleepovers are the
cornerstone of our friendship.
The fact our moms are friends
makes us the luckiest
boys in the universe.
Do you like the way I drew the letters?
They look like they came
out of a magazine, right?
You're out of your mind if
you think Gonzo's a dog.
He's blue.
He woofed when he saw the treasure!
Sometimes I think we don't
have anything in common.
Are we just pretending to get along
because our sons are friends?
I think so.
Maybe we can... stop?
Let's never hang out again!
Steve!
We have an exciting announcement.
Snot's mom and I have decided to
stop pretending to be friends.
Pretending?
Yep! Book club is canceled forever.
[GASPS] A 40% decrease in friendship?
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Please, you have to stay friends!
Think of the children!
No one's saying you
two can't be friends.
Why does it matter if we are?
Well, I don't want to bore you
with the math, Mrs. Smith...
Please, don't.
Listen,
maybe you just need to clear the air.
Why don't we talk about what
bothers you about each other?
I'll start.
She's never seen
"Muppet Treasure Island,"
which is a big problem for me.
Book club is just an excuse
for you to get shithosed!
You brought your own bartender!
Paul Gary's the name,
mixologist is the game!
I've got aperol spritzes.
Boiling hot aperol spritzes!
He's not even a good bartender!
Aperol spritzers are served cold!
What are you,
the aperol spritzers police?!
I'm sorry,
I'm defensive because you're right.
I'm a terrible mixologist!
Let's go, Steve.
Our friendship will survive this, right?
[VOICE BREAKING] I'll need
to crunch the numbers.
If Paul Gary isn't a mixologist,
then who is he?
This is the beginning... Shh!
...beginning of a
deeply personal journey.
This is... Get over yourselves!
...my story.
Cheer up, Steve.
We can still be friends
even if our moms aren't.
Your moms aren't friends anymore?
Well, I'm out.
I am not gonna watch your
friendship fall apart.
What are you talking about?
Your moms being friends is the glue
holding the two of you together.
It's like on the show "Friends."
Remember how their
friendship was held together
by a deep mutual love
of being paid a million
dollars an episode?
That's your moms.
[SCOFFS] That's... That's crazy.
Toshi, tell him.
Toshi? Toshi! Say something!
I speak fluent English
and have the whole time.
Hey, guys, are your moms friends?
Uh, was "The Poisonwood Bible"
written by Barbara Kingsolver?
We're not losing Barry and Toshi.
How do we fix this?
ROGER: May I suggest drugging the moms?
Are you the bartender
from my mom's house?
Sort of. You see,
I'm on a deeply personal
journey to find out who I am.
Okay.
Paul Gary isn't a mixologist,
so I enrolled at Pearl Bailey
to use the chemistry lab.
Because I am now... A. Paul Gary,
drug mixologist.
I mix illegal narcotics
together to see what they do.
And recently,
I came across something interesting.
I was working in my lab late one night,
when my eyes beheld an eerie sight.
That's "Monster Mash," right?
You're doing "Monster Mash"?
Never heard of it.
Anyway, I was working in the lab
late one night...
♪ When my eyes beheld an eerie sight ♪
♪ I had acid on a tab, weed in a bag ♪
♪ A splash of ether on a rag ♪
- ♪ He did the mash ♪
- ♪ He did the mash ♪
♪ I did the narcotics mash ♪
- ♪ Narcotics mash ♪
- ♪ Narcotics mash ♪
♪ It was a coked-out bash ♪
This is "Monster Mash"!
I don't know that song!
I don't know any songs!
All I do know is your moms are milds...
mothers I'd like to drug.
And the mash I discovered in
my lab works as a love drug.
Drugs can make people fall in love?
Drugs can do almost anything
once you realize they're
super good for you.
Anyway, I'm proposing we dose
your moms with the love drug
and make them fall back in love!
And it will work?
Steve, are you actually
thinking about doing this?
- What other options do we have?
- I don't know!
We only brainstormed
for like two seconds
before we started talking to this guy.
Snot's in! Love that enthusiasm!
I'll mix up the drugs,
and you two trick your moms
- into meeting up!
- ♪ They did the mash ♪
- Aah! Scary song!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
I can't believe the "Impractical Jokers"
are doing a meet-and-greet
in Langley Falls!
Yeah, well, it's true.
Steve, you seem nervous.
Wait, are you worried the
jokers are gonna joke you?
[CHUCKLES] Don't flatter yourself.
No one's putting a hot
dog in your pocket.
Now, remember, Snot,
when we meet the jokers,
you're my nephew.
Francine.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Shove! Drugs!
- What is this?
- Don't leave me in here...
Congrats on a perfectly
executed drugging, boys.
To the 33rd floor!
- Whoa.
- I really hope this works.
Did you even notice that I
basically teleported us up here?
I was impressed.
Thank you, Snot's mom's kid.
Now, by the time these doors open,
your moms will be fast friends,
unless the dose is too strong.
Are you two prepared to
see your moms hooking up?
I'm not saying it's what I want to see,
but I won't be disappointed.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- Well, I hope you two...
- [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMS]
What is happening?!
They're worse than before!
This might not be a love drug.
[SNIFFS] Yeah, this is meth.
I made meth.
Welp, when in Rome... [SNIFFS]
Aah!
[GRUNTING]
Well, this is surprising.
So to get us to be friends,
you drugged us?!
I don't want you seeing Snot anymore.
He's a terrible influence on you!
- What?!
- No way!
I forbid Snot from seeing Steve!
He's the one who started
calling him Snot,
and now everyone says it!
No, mom! Please, it was my fault.
It's my fault! Don't do this!
- [SOBBING]
- But it's really my fault.
I'm a terrible drug mixologist.
Will A. Paul Gary ever know
who he's supposed to be?
My story continues.
♪♪
Well, I'm off. Goodbye, father.
Goodbye, sister. Goodbye, fish.
Damn, he left out mother.
Don't try to sneak around
with Snot at school!
I will find out!
We're finally getting rid of Snot?
Good. That kid is the worst.
- Stan, you love Snot.
- I do?
Yeah, I think
your "Memento"-style amnesia
is acting up.
You need to check your tattoos.
- _
- Interesting.
- _
- Concerning.
_
Oh, yeah! Why are we getting rid
of Snot? He's the best!
Because mom can't put her son
ahead of her selfish wants.
That's how it started.
But then someone decided
to drug their mom.
Oh, if it was so awful,
then why did you and Roger
finish the baggie and go
to that warehouse party?!
I had no choice but to dance it off!
"You appreciate your family."
That doesn't sound right.
No, it doesn't.
♪♪
Gosh, our moms did not respond
well to getting dosed, huh?
No kidding.
My mom told me I couldn't
even see you at school.
Rule breakers!
Last night,
I got a phone call from your mom, Smith.
This friendship has
always weirded me out,
and I am on board with tearing it apart!
Billy!
Here are your new schedules.
Zero classes together.
Billy, why are you helping him?
I've already got the stitches.
Might as well be a snitches.
♪♪
[GRUNTS]
- Aah!
- Aah!
♪♪
♪♪
Aah!
♪♪
What are we going to do?
Lewis is everywhere.
We could build a friendship here.
This stall isn't so bad.
I'm doing a "Trainspotting"!
Steve and Snot, two friends,
both alike in stupidity.
Busted as hell!
Since you can't be trusted,
I'll be escorting Smith
to his next class.
- Aah!
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
[PEBBLES CLINKING]
- [INSECTS CHIRPING]
- Steve!
What are you doing here?
I can't sit at home knowing
you're down the road
staring up at the same stars as me!
I actually don't look
at the stars that often.
They've always kind of bored me.
[BULBS POPS, ENGINE REVS]
That's right, chuckle heads!
I'm patrolling your houses, too!
Run!
♪♪
[ENGINE REVVING]
♪♪
[TIRES SCREECH]
Go in on foot, Billy!
I'll cut them off on the other side.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
I think we lost him.
[BOTH GASP]
End of the road...
- [FLASHLIGHT CLICKS]
- ...for my hypocrisy.
I, too, know what it is to be in love.
[CHUCKLING] I wouldn't
say we're in love.
But my father forbids our union.
I don't know why. He created her!
Isn't she beautiful?
- Yeah, yeah, super pretty.
- Uh-huh, totally.
Now go! Wait!
He needs to think you overpowered me.
I know violence isn't
in your nature, but...
Eat knuckles, freak!
You went easy on me, Steve!
Ma'am.
Psst. Over here!
- Wait, this is that bartender again.
- Mixologist.
And, yes,
I'm still on a deeply personal journey
to discover who I'm supposed to be.
But I think I've figured it out!
And I've gone full apothecary!
That's right!
A. Paul Gary is now A. Poth E. Cary,
dealing in potions and poisons.
Which, at the moment,
are a little difficult to tell apart
because my label maker is garbage.
I hear you've got a real
"Romeo and Juliet" problem.
Well, I have
a "Romeo and Juliet" solution...
fake your deaths!
Uhh...
Yes! There's that famous
Snot enthusiasm!
You see, on this shelf,
I've got thousands of
unlabeled potions and poisons.
This will put you in a deep slumber,
indistinguishable from death.
When you're found "dead,"
your mothers will blame themselves.
We'll time it so you wake
up at your own funeral,
and then you pop out of your coffins,
and they'll be so relieved,
they'll let you be friends again!
Steve, we can't do this.
The love drug was a disaster.
Disaster? This guy's acting like
you didn't see me punching
myself in the dick.
We don't have another choice.
Okay, let's do it.
Wait.
That one was the poison.
There.
There.
There.
Actually, whoa. Here's the potion.
All the little ones
are full of poison... I think.
But let's just decide to feel confident.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
♪♪
♪♪
_
♪♪
♪♪
[BOTH CRYING]
Steve and Snot had a friendship so close
that they died in each other's arms,
clinging so tight that they
could not be separated.
Now they will be laid to rest together,
in one big-ass coffin.
[BOTH CRYING]
Francine, I'm so sorry.
All I had to do was pretend to like you,
and none of this would have happened!
No, Snot's mom. I'm sorry.
I'd spend an eternity
pretending to like you
if it meant Steve would be alive again.
After our loved ones move on,
do we ever see them again on this earth?
Most people say no,
but I say,
sometimes we get a second chance!
Hmm. Shit.
I must've given them poison.
How could that have happened?
Everyone, I have an announcement.
This is actually a real funeral.
This is a strange eulogy.
Uh, second announcement...
I'm not a good apothecary.
My story marches onward.
Please don't let Roger
speak at my funeral.
Guys, I know you're sad about Snot,
but let me turn that grief into relief,
that sadness into gladness,
that sorrow into
"the sun'll come out tomorrow".
Huh, I'm good at these.
Wait! I was gonna tell you something!
You know how I've been
on this crazy adventure
trying to nail down this persona?
- Uh-huh!
- Well, I got it!
Apothe-Carrie Bradshaw, sex blogger!
I couldn't help but wonder,
would Steve be alive
if I hadn't accidentally poisoned him?
But sometimes that's how it goes
when you're "Sex and the City."
- You poisoned Steve?!
- And Snot!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy!
If you really miss him,
we can get him back.
What the hell are you talking about?!
We can go to the underworld
and get him back.
The underworld?!
No mortal knows the
path to the underworld!
Yeah-huh! There's an elevator
in the back of Sub Hub.
They had a promotion in the '80s
where they were sending people to hell.
Now that my two favorite sad moms
have put their differences aside,
it's time to get their boys back.
Then maybe brunch?
We still have to find
out who sold them poison.
No, we don't! Stay focused.
Now, through this door lies
the entrance to the underworld.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Join me on the elevator.
Or hell-evator,
as those Sub Hub marketing geniuses
referred to it in the summer of '87.
Here's how it works...
everyone gets sent to different floors
based on how they lived their lives.
There's a floor for philanderers,
gossips, heretics.
Oh! There's a Cinnabon on six!
- Roger!
- Okay, okay!
Someone's in a hurry
to find their dead son.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- I think this should be it.
Snot's mom, Steve's mom,
- welcome to the floor for masturbators.
- [ALL MOANING]
I mean, it makes sense...
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
That was... horrifying!
Hmm, no Steve and Snot.
Also, strange it's just
a twisted landscape
full of guys cranking it.
Doesn't seem like a punishment.
More like a really good warehouse party.
- Which floor is next?
- Sodomites.
I'd recommend waiting here.
- [BIRD CAWS]
- ALL: Roger!
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, BIRD CAWING]
- Did you stop at the Cinnabon?
- Yep.
And even better,
I finally figured out who Paul Gary is.
A sodomite!
My journey has come to an end!
Oh, interesting.
The eighth floor is
just for nibbling tush.
My journey might just
be getting started!
Roger! Where are the boys?
I'm out of ideas.
Maybe we just talk to the man in charge?
And then no matter what he tells us,
we can circle back to
the tush nibbling floor.
And I'm sending my e-mail...
now.
Okay, what are we doing here?
What do we need?
We're looking for our sons.
I will take you to them.
They are with the worst of the worst.
The floor for people
who support live comedy.
I didn't say a billion oil tankers.
I said a billion oil tankers!
Oops, I told that wrong! That's my time!
ANNOUNCER: Alright!
Keep it going for Crazy Dave.
Up next, he's the only comedian
down here... Crazy Dave!
Just a reminder, guys.
This is a punishment for me, too.
There they are!
- Steve!
- Mom!
- Snot!
- Snot's mom!
You're coming home.
Who says we want to go?
Yeah, down here,
no one says we can't be friends.
You can be friends back home.
Steve, I'm sorry.
As a mother, I should've put you first.
And it was wrong of me to do
something that made you die.
I'm sorry, too, Snot.
Children should be alive.
Wow, you guys really
have learned your lesson.
I love you, mom. Let's go home.
Not so fast!
I can't just release souls back
into the world of the living.
A bargain must be struck!
[BOTH GASP]
Yow! That was sick!
[WARBLING]
Your refusal to spend time together
started Steve and Snot on the
journey that led them here.
If you want them to go back,
you must stay behind
in this room together.
Ugh, really?
For how long?
For eternity!
I heard you at the funeral!
You said you would!
But they'll be miserable
without their mothers!
They won't remember you. No one will.
It will be as if you never existed.
But they will be alive.
And they'll have each other?
We accept.
Okay, great! That's great.
Just a bit of business...
In a half-hour or so,
one of my archangels is
actually gonna need this room,
so we'll probably have to
move you to another room.
No, you know what?
I'm the devil, I'm the boss.
You're gonna stay here.
He can go to another room.
You know what? I should ask.
[WARBLING]
Hey, wanna stay over at my
single dad's house tonight?
Weeknight sleepover!
I'll call my sisterless uncle!
♪♪
♪ If I die before I'm famous ♪
♪ What's the point of anything? ♪
♪ I'm too sentimental to get... ♪
STAN: In a different timeline,
you have different tattoos.
That makes sense.
Francine loves "Muppet Treasure Island."
Francine? Who is...
Francine!
Bye! Have a great time!