American Dad! (2005–…): Season 17, Episode 14 - A League of His Own - full transcript
Steve profiles Stan for an essay contest at school; Francine uses a port-a-potty.
I'm thinking about
using the bathroom.
Go for it.
It's a no-brainer!
Wow, this one's
brand-new.
Hold my purse.
I'm gonna christen this puppy.
Get it, girl!
Drop one on 'em, Mama!
Whoa, whoa!
The boys forgot
to chain this up.
They know my mom's
visiting next week.
Dammit, she deserves
a fresh one!
You journaling
right now, Steve?
I'm working on an essay
about my dad
for a contest
in English class.
I'm focusing on Stan Smith
the softball star.
Love that.
You have a title yet?
I'm thinking...
"My Dad."
Wow.
I'm pretty sure
I love that.
Just look at him, Klaus...
Totally in his element.
Yeah, I don't like chicken
in my pasta, either.
Switch it up.
The picture of a ballplayer.
Let's go, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's friggin' go.
Time, blue.
Stay down on that ball!
Hey, it's okay,
short memory, right?
But don't up
like that again.
Safe!
It's only
the second inning.
Not for us.
Yes, it is!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Webster's dictionary
defines "hero"
as a mythological figure
of great strength or ability.
I define hero as my dad...
"...I define hero as my dad.
My dad is strong.
My dad is good.
My dad could hit a ball
very far.
If my dad raced your dad,
he'd win.
Because he's a winner.
Because he's my dad."
Steve...
Yes, Dad?
This essay is so bad.
It's robotic, zero artistry,
"maudlin drivel"
comes to mind.
What a dick.
I wanna know more
about Stan the man.
The guy behind the uniform.
I'll tell you what!
Why don't you shadow me
at the CIA?
Really? Wow, thanks!
Hey. Don't push it.
Oh, my God. I can't believe Dad!
What a jerk!
He just has
high standards...
Can I see your essay?
Whoa...
aren't you a little old
to worship Dad like this?
I don't worship Dad...
You just think if he
"fought a Tyrannosaurus Rex,
he would win"...
Prove he wouldn't!
Hello?
This is how it ends?!
I'm gonna die in a Porta John?!
Wow, this thing's
light as
There's my little
daddy's boy!
Ready to hand in
that essay?
Mr. Fritz,
I need an extension.
Extension?!
But I read the last draft
with the Tyrannosaurus Rex,
it was terrific...
What happened?
My dad thinks
it needs work.
Look, Steve, I started an essay
contest about dads
because I love
and admire dads.
But dads aren't always right.
Most of the time, yes.
99.9% of the time
they're 100% right.
But in this case,
a dad is wrong.
Your essay is perfection.
Just hand it in!
I can't hand in an essay about
my dad that my dad doesn't like!
I don't like
an unhappy dad...
I'll give you
two more days.
But that's it.
Thank you,
you won't regret it.
I hope you're right.
What, Billy, what do you want.
I just wanted to say hi.
Hi.
For lunch I like the tuna
from Rocky's
but the macaroni salad
from Sub's Galore.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow... slow down.
Why am I here again?
'Cause Dad won't drive me
to school afterwards.
Dad, could we circle back
to softball for a sec?
What's your
batting average?
Eh, not much of a stats guy,
more of a W's guy.
Steve, check it out.
This is a thing I do
that everyone loves.
People love that?
I... I think so...
Hey, you guys love
when I throw Dick's lunch
in the trash, right?
That's your hero, Steve?
Why does it bother you
so much?
It doesn't bother me,
I'm just trying to help you
grow up, gawd!
I'll be in the car.
Four people
said they love it,
five said
they really love it.
You're right about Stan...
Aah!
Dick?
I'm not Dick.
Who are you?
Call me "Deep Dick."
Why are you in my car?
Because you're right.
Stan's no hero.
This star softball player
routine?
A big lie.
He sucks
But he's
got everyone fooled!
And I want him exposed.
He's been on the team
10 years,
how could he fool
everyone for so long?
Tricks!
- What's Dick doing here?
- Deep Dick.
He says
Dad's bad at softball.
He's probably pissed
he threw his lunch in the trash.
Again?!
Look, don't take my word for it.
Go to the file room.
Check the softball records.
Grrreat!
I welcome the chance
to slurp up
that delicious evidence
that Dad is
all he says he is.
You'll need to pass
a retina scan to get in.
Are those...
loose eyeballs?
Mmm... I hate
to part with a green one.
Jackson?! Jackson?!
Guess again.
Whoa a a a a. Whoa a a a a.
Man, it's been hours.
You find anything yet?
Team rosters, game logs,
a recording of Bullock singing
John Fogerty's "Center field."
I'd like to hear that.
What I didn't find
is any actual
statistics on Dad.
Dad was in the lineup.
Why does it say zero for zero
for his at-bats?
Maybe they walked him
every time.
Pitchers fear
his mighty bat.
He also had zero plays
in the field?
Hitters fear
his mighty glove.
Again zero...
Every game.
Zero, zero.
It's like he's
not even participating.
He's... he's...
He's avoiding the ball,
ya damn fools!
Your dad's a fraud!
Open your eyes, my God!
Sorry I lost my temper.
It's just I recently found out
that I'm a janitor.
Dad's a fraud.
He literally avoided
the ball for 10 years!
None of these documents
prove that.
You're making assumptions
based on mere pieces of paper!
Ephemera!
Oh, come on, man! Wake up!
I'm tired of you
whispering poison in his ear!
He needs to see the truth!
I don't give a damn
about the truth!
Just print the legend!!
Steve, you got
a gold star essay here,
why are you digging?!
Because a deranged lunatic
has an axe to grind?
She's probably an old flame
looking for vengeance!
She's my sister.
My... my dad's daughter...
Let's review the facts.
Your dad is big. Your dad is strong.
Your dad could hit a ball very far.
He can carry a Redwood tree,
karate-chop a python in half
and he makes giant pancakes
like Uncle Buck.
These are the things we know,
these are the things
that ground us!
I still think
he's all those things.
I just need time to prove it.
Two more days.
Get outta here! Get!
Myha!
Trust me, Hayley.
Once you watch Dad play,
you'll see you were wrong.
Lefty! Switch!
Okay, what was that?
An out?
Jackson, yours!
Hey, you gotta
call those out, Jackson.
Communication.
Come on,
that was so obvious.
Obvious Dad's not a ball hog?
Looked like a snake.
Okay, let's just
talk to him.
So Hayley has
this crazy idea
that you have no stats
because you've been avoiding
the ball for a decade
because you suck at softball.
That's an
interesting theory.
"Theory"?
50 games.
No hits, no put-outs.
Nada.
Go ahead, check.
I believe you.
So you admit it?
Admit our statistician...
Dick's mom...
Has an axe to grind? Sure.
Dick! Of course.
See, Hayley, I told you.
I told her, Dad.
We watched you play.
You spent the whole game
avoiding the ball.
And you did take yourself out
in the last inning
when the score
was tied...
Because I shit my pants
from those fish tacos!
Has she gotten to you, Steve?
Just prove her wrong, Dad!
Play a whole game
at second base.
No tricks.
Come to today's game.
Should we ride together?
Let's caravan it.
I gotta listen to Gwar
at max volume to get hyped.
Dad's lookin'
real confident.
Yeah, he does.
Now batting,
Demetrius Mongoni.
A damn fine hitter
and my brother-in-law.
Easy out, guys!
No-no-no-no-
no-please-God-no-Mommy-no-
I'm-scared-
I-don't-want-the-ball-
nooooooooooo!
Nooooooooooo!
Pick up the ball, Smith!
Where is it, where is it?!
Uh-oh, he's in a full-on panic!
He's fishing around
in his jock!
Why is this happening to me?
Oh, I got it!
I got the ball!
A pine cone?
And it looks like it belongs
to fan favorite Ricky Raccoon,
the unofficial mascot of
the left-field bleacher bums.
Hello?
A little help here?
We got a straggler.
Yee-haw!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Not you!
Ooh, look at that!
We got a runner!
Yee-haw!
A a a a ah!
Soooey!
Sir, I'm so sorry
about the game.
I just don't get why
that raccoon was so butt hurt
about his pine cone.
A mystery indeed.
The important thing is
I want you to know
there's still a place
for you at the CIA.
Thank you, sir.
Ahhhhhhh.
You're welcome, piss boy.
Goodbye, martinis!
Hey, kiddo.
Want to toss
the ol' pill around?
I got to go
meet my friends.
"The man I admired
didn't really exist.
He was a phantom, a figment,
the product of a con man."
"I realized my Paul Bunyan
was actually
my Paul Bla-a-a-rt!"
Steve? Hello?
Myeehhh!
I owe you an apology, Dad.
Stan's gone.
It's all in the note.
"You're better off without me.
Don't try to find me.
I'm a broken man.
I've gone to the place
all broken men go."
Where's that?
Beats me.
Hey, have you seen
your mom lately?
A a a a a ah!
Sooey!
Dad left!
We have to find him!
Pass.
Pass?
Steve, he's your dad.
Are you drinking beer?
It's actually nonalcoholic,
but I've had 30 of them.
Ask me why. Dad!
He's a fraud.
Who's a frog?
Kermit?
Dad.
He left.
Said he went to the place
all broken men go.
Orlando?
What?
The place broken men go.
Orlando.
So are you going? I'd go.
Let's go!
♪ Orlando-o-o ♪
♪ We're gonna
make it happen ♪
Hey!
Every day.
Get him, Stan!
I just
want to sell my drugs!
I saw an iguana
use my toilet!
I can give you
a free soda.
Didn't I say Orlando?
First place
we checked too.
We're here to bring you home,
Dad.
Your family needs you.
Your son needs you.
He's not the same.
Well, he lost
an incredible hero.
Now I'm a laughingstock,
a pariah.
I could never
make that up to him.
You could try.
I could help you.
Are you thinking gifts?
Like a platinum ID bracelet
or toe ring?
I was thinking more
we practice softball
so you could redeem yourself
in a game.
Become the hero
he always thought you were.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No.
The truth is...
I'm afraid of the ball.
Yeah, no shit.
As a boy, I witnessed
something terrible.
It traumatized me.
That's what the iguana
did to me!
Pop-ups.
People will tell you
to use two hands,
but I'm a confident guy.
I use one.
Check it out.
There must've been something
else going on with his face.
Anyway, the point is,
I'm a broken man.
Yeah, well, you've got
a broken son right now.
He needs someone
to believe in again.
He needs a hero.
He needs his dad.
What do you say?
No. Hey!
You're Houston Astros legend
Mudcat Ranelli, aren't you?
I could just be an anonymous
old man paying for sex.
Mudcat's
my childhood hero.
Okay, yes,
I'm Mudcat Ranelli.
And that's why
I'm a broken man
living in exile
in Orlando.
Maybe you're
a broken man,
but you got a broken son
right now.
He needs someone
to believe in again.
He needs a hero.
He needs his dad.
What do you say?
Yes.
Just said that.
You have a wonderful way
of communicating, Mudcat.
Let's get it going!
Hit me one!
Wowza!
Dad, you can't quit!
You've got to keep going!
For Steve.
For me.
For you?
Yeah.
I guess this whole thing
reminded me
you used to be
my hero too.
So, when did that stop?
Worshipping your parents is just
a thing kids grow out of, Dad.
"There is one sure thing
about the fall of gods.
They do not fall a little.
They crash and shatter,
or sink deeply into green muck."
Steinbeck.
Also there was that time
you pissed yourself
at Chuck E. Cheese.
I was drunk!
All the dads were doing it.
But I think I could look up to
you again, if you could just
face something
that scared you.
Like finally watching
"Hotel Transylvania"
with my eyes open?
No, like softball.
Shit.
Okay.
I'll try.
Whoa, Mudcat!
Let me get you to a hospital.
I can drive myself.
I just need to find my keys.
Okay, Dad.
Let's get you over your fear
of the ball.
Got to keep
those eyes open, Dad!
David "Flincher" over here.
That's a good one.
♪ Put me in, Coach ♪
♪ I'm ready to play ♪
♪ Today ♪
Thought process here was that
watching "Fear Factor"
would also help you conquer
your fear of the ball.
Oh, don't eat those
habanero peppers!
♪ Put me in, Coach ♪
♪ I'm ready to play ♪
♪ Today ♪
See, Dad,
you're doing it!
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ I can be ♪
I'm not afraid anymore!
And I'm gettin' veneers!
♪ Center field ♪
Hey.
You're ready, Dad.
Show Steve, show me,
show everyone
what you're made of.
What's the meaning of this,
Smith?
I'm ready, sir.
Please. Give me a chance.
I won't let you down.
Smith is... in.
Damn it, no!
This is a mistake!
Two outs, man on third.
Everything on the line.
Thoughts?
He'll never score,
sir.
That's great news!
Mongoni?
Mongoni?
Yeah, Mongoni.
Mm,
he's a total ringer.
Plays on,
like, five teams.
Ye-e-e-s-s-s!
No-o-o-o-o!
Mmm-m-m.
I got it!
You cost me a shutout,
Smith!
You already
proved your point!
Did you really need to
tear Dad down again?!
I wasn't trying
to tear him down.
I was trying
to build him back up.
- You were?
- Yeah.
I used to worship him too,
you know?
And I am sorry for taking
that away from you.
It's okay.
Even though I wasn't quite ready
to lose my superhero,
everyone's time comes,
I guess.
Not me.
I still have my superhero...
Chris Pratt.
So funny.
So sexy.
He's an important reminder
that we all have
a responsibility
to be both those things.
Dad, Hayley and I
wrote a new essay.
Read it.
"Our dad might not be
a superhero or a sports hero.
But he showed up
and tried.
For us.
And that's why he's...
our hero."
Thank you, guys.
But this is still very bad.
Shhhh.
Just rest now.
Have you seen
your mother?
Hello?
Hey, what's up?
Bye!
Have a great time!
using the bathroom.
Go for it.
It's a no-brainer!
Wow, this one's
brand-new.
Hold my purse.
I'm gonna christen this puppy.
Get it, girl!
Drop one on 'em, Mama!
Whoa, whoa!
The boys forgot
to chain this up.
They know my mom's
visiting next week.
Dammit, she deserves
a fresh one!
You journaling
right now, Steve?
I'm working on an essay
about my dad
for a contest
in English class.
I'm focusing on Stan Smith
the softball star.
Love that.
You have a title yet?
I'm thinking...
"My Dad."
Wow.
I'm pretty sure
I love that.
Just look at him, Klaus...
Totally in his element.
Yeah, I don't like chicken
in my pasta, either.
Switch it up.
The picture of a ballplayer.
Let's go, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's friggin' go.
Time, blue.
Stay down on that ball!
Hey, it's okay,
short memory, right?
But don't up
like that again.
Safe!
It's only
the second inning.
Not for us.
Yes, it is!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Webster's dictionary
defines "hero"
as a mythological figure
of great strength or ability.
I define hero as my dad...
"...I define hero as my dad.
My dad is strong.
My dad is good.
My dad could hit a ball
very far.
If my dad raced your dad,
he'd win.
Because he's a winner.
Because he's my dad."
Steve...
Yes, Dad?
This essay is so bad.
It's robotic, zero artistry,
"maudlin drivel"
comes to mind.
What a dick.
I wanna know more
about Stan the man.
The guy behind the uniform.
I'll tell you what!
Why don't you shadow me
at the CIA?
Really? Wow, thanks!
Hey. Don't push it.
Oh, my God. I can't believe Dad!
What a jerk!
He just has
high standards...
Can I see your essay?
Whoa...
aren't you a little old
to worship Dad like this?
I don't worship Dad...
You just think if he
"fought a Tyrannosaurus Rex,
he would win"...
Prove he wouldn't!
Hello?
This is how it ends?!
I'm gonna die in a Porta John?!
Wow, this thing's
light as
There's my little
daddy's boy!
Ready to hand in
that essay?
Mr. Fritz,
I need an extension.
Extension?!
But I read the last draft
with the Tyrannosaurus Rex,
it was terrific...
What happened?
My dad thinks
it needs work.
Look, Steve, I started an essay
contest about dads
because I love
and admire dads.
But dads aren't always right.
Most of the time, yes.
99.9% of the time
they're 100% right.
But in this case,
a dad is wrong.
Your essay is perfection.
Just hand it in!
I can't hand in an essay about
my dad that my dad doesn't like!
I don't like
an unhappy dad...
I'll give you
two more days.
But that's it.
Thank you,
you won't regret it.
I hope you're right.
What, Billy, what do you want.
I just wanted to say hi.
Hi.
For lunch I like the tuna
from Rocky's
but the macaroni salad
from Sub's Galore.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow... slow down.
Why am I here again?
'Cause Dad won't drive me
to school afterwards.
Dad, could we circle back
to softball for a sec?
What's your
batting average?
Eh, not much of a stats guy,
more of a W's guy.
Steve, check it out.
This is a thing I do
that everyone loves.
People love that?
I... I think so...
Hey, you guys love
when I throw Dick's lunch
in the trash, right?
That's your hero, Steve?
Why does it bother you
so much?
It doesn't bother me,
I'm just trying to help you
grow up, gawd!
I'll be in the car.
Four people
said they love it,
five said
they really love it.
You're right about Stan...
Aah!
Dick?
I'm not Dick.
Who are you?
Call me "Deep Dick."
Why are you in my car?
Because you're right.
Stan's no hero.
This star softball player
routine?
A big lie.
He sucks
But he's
got everyone fooled!
And I want him exposed.
He's been on the team
10 years,
how could he fool
everyone for so long?
Tricks!
- What's Dick doing here?
- Deep Dick.
He says
Dad's bad at softball.
He's probably pissed
he threw his lunch in the trash.
Again?!
Look, don't take my word for it.
Go to the file room.
Check the softball records.
Grrreat!
I welcome the chance
to slurp up
that delicious evidence
that Dad is
all he says he is.
You'll need to pass
a retina scan to get in.
Are those...
loose eyeballs?
Mmm... I hate
to part with a green one.
Jackson?! Jackson?!
Guess again.
Whoa a a a a. Whoa a a a a.
Man, it's been hours.
You find anything yet?
Team rosters, game logs,
a recording of Bullock singing
John Fogerty's "Center field."
I'd like to hear that.
What I didn't find
is any actual
statistics on Dad.
Dad was in the lineup.
Why does it say zero for zero
for his at-bats?
Maybe they walked him
every time.
Pitchers fear
his mighty bat.
He also had zero plays
in the field?
Hitters fear
his mighty glove.
Again zero...
Every game.
Zero, zero.
It's like he's
not even participating.
He's... he's...
He's avoiding the ball,
ya damn fools!
Your dad's a fraud!
Open your eyes, my God!
Sorry I lost my temper.
It's just I recently found out
that I'm a janitor.
Dad's a fraud.
He literally avoided
the ball for 10 years!
None of these documents
prove that.
You're making assumptions
based on mere pieces of paper!
Ephemera!
Oh, come on, man! Wake up!
I'm tired of you
whispering poison in his ear!
He needs to see the truth!
I don't give a damn
about the truth!
Just print the legend!!
Steve, you got
a gold star essay here,
why are you digging?!
Because a deranged lunatic
has an axe to grind?
She's probably an old flame
looking for vengeance!
She's my sister.
My... my dad's daughter...
Let's review the facts.
Your dad is big. Your dad is strong.
Your dad could hit a ball very far.
He can carry a Redwood tree,
karate-chop a python in half
and he makes giant pancakes
like Uncle Buck.
These are the things we know,
these are the things
that ground us!
I still think
he's all those things.
I just need time to prove it.
Two more days.
Get outta here! Get!
Myha!
Trust me, Hayley.
Once you watch Dad play,
you'll see you were wrong.
Lefty! Switch!
Okay, what was that?
An out?
Jackson, yours!
Hey, you gotta
call those out, Jackson.
Communication.
Come on,
that was so obvious.
Obvious Dad's not a ball hog?
Looked like a snake.
Okay, let's just
talk to him.
So Hayley has
this crazy idea
that you have no stats
because you've been avoiding
the ball for a decade
because you suck at softball.
That's an
interesting theory.
"Theory"?
50 games.
No hits, no put-outs.
Nada.
Go ahead, check.
I believe you.
So you admit it?
Admit our statistician...
Dick's mom...
Has an axe to grind? Sure.
Dick! Of course.
See, Hayley, I told you.
I told her, Dad.
We watched you play.
You spent the whole game
avoiding the ball.
And you did take yourself out
in the last inning
when the score
was tied...
Because I shit my pants
from those fish tacos!
Has she gotten to you, Steve?
Just prove her wrong, Dad!
Play a whole game
at second base.
No tricks.
Come to today's game.
Should we ride together?
Let's caravan it.
I gotta listen to Gwar
at max volume to get hyped.
Dad's lookin'
real confident.
Yeah, he does.
Now batting,
Demetrius Mongoni.
A damn fine hitter
and my brother-in-law.
Easy out, guys!
No-no-no-no-
no-please-God-no-Mommy-no-
I'm-scared-
I-don't-want-the-ball-
nooooooooooo!
Nooooooooooo!
Pick up the ball, Smith!
Where is it, where is it?!
Uh-oh, he's in a full-on panic!
He's fishing around
in his jock!
Why is this happening to me?
Oh, I got it!
I got the ball!
A pine cone?
And it looks like it belongs
to fan favorite Ricky Raccoon,
the unofficial mascot of
the left-field bleacher bums.
Hello?
A little help here?
We got a straggler.
Yee-haw!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Not you!
Ooh, look at that!
We got a runner!
Yee-haw!
A a a a ah!
Soooey!
Sir, I'm so sorry
about the game.
I just don't get why
that raccoon was so butt hurt
about his pine cone.
A mystery indeed.
The important thing is
I want you to know
there's still a place
for you at the CIA.
Thank you, sir.
Ahhhhhhh.
You're welcome, piss boy.
Goodbye, martinis!
Hey, kiddo.
Want to toss
the ol' pill around?
I got to go
meet my friends.
"The man I admired
didn't really exist.
He was a phantom, a figment,
the product of a con man."
"I realized my Paul Bunyan
was actually
my Paul Bla-a-a-rt!"
Steve? Hello?
Myeehhh!
I owe you an apology, Dad.
Stan's gone.
It's all in the note.
"You're better off without me.
Don't try to find me.
I'm a broken man.
I've gone to the place
all broken men go."
Where's that?
Beats me.
Hey, have you seen
your mom lately?
A a a a a ah!
Sooey!
Dad left!
We have to find him!
Pass.
Pass?
Steve, he's your dad.
Are you drinking beer?
It's actually nonalcoholic,
but I've had 30 of them.
Ask me why. Dad!
He's a fraud.
Who's a frog?
Kermit?
Dad.
He left.
Said he went to the place
all broken men go.
Orlando?
What?
The place broken men go.
Orlando.
So are you going? I'd go.
Let's go!
♪ Orlando-o-o ♪
♪ We're gonna
make it happen ♪
Hey!
Every day.
Get him, Stan!
I just
want to sell my drugs!
I saw an iguana
use my toilet!
I can give you
a free soda.
Didn't I say Orlando?
First place
we checked too.
We're here to bring you home,
Dad.
Your family needs you.
Your son needs you.
He's not the same.
Well, he lost
an incredible hero.
Now I'm a laughingstock,
a pariah.
I could never
make that up to him.
You could try.
I could help you.
Are you thinking gifts?
Like a platinum ID bracelet
or toe ring?
I was thinking more
we practice softball
so you could redeem yourself
in a game.
Become the hero
he always thought you were.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No.
The truth is...
I'm afraid of the ball.
Yeah, no shit.
As a boy, I witnessed
something terrible.
It traumatized me.
That's what the iguana
did to me!
Pop-ups.
People will tell you
to use two hands,
but I'm a confident guy.
I use one.
Check it out.
There must've been something
else going on with his face.
Anyway, the point is,
I'm a broken man.
Yeah, well, you've got
a broken son right now.
He needs someone
to believe in again.
He needs a hero.
He needs his dad.
What do you say?
No. Hey!
You're Houston Astros legend
Mudcat Ranelli, aren't you?
I could just be an anonymous
old man paying for sex.
Mudcat's
my childhood hero.
Okay, yes,
I'm Mudcat Ranelli.
And that's why
I'm a broken man
living in exile
in Orlando.
Maybe you're
a broken man,
but you got a broken son
right now.
He needs someone
to believe in again.
He needs a hero.
He needs his dad.
What do you say?
Yes.
Just said that.
You have a wonderful way
of communicating, Mudcat.
Let's get it going!
Hit me one!
Wowza!
Dad, you can't quit!
You've got to keep going!
For Steve.
For me.
For you?
Yeah.
I guess this whole thing
reminded me
you used to be
my hero too.
So, when did that stop?
Worshipping your parents is just
a thing kids grow out of, Dad.
"There is one sure thing
about the fall of gods.
They do not fall a little.
They crash and shatter,
or sink deeply into green muck."
Steinbeck.
Also there was that time
you pissed yourself
at Chuck E. Cheese.
I was drunk!
All the dads were doing it.
But I think I could look up to
you again, if you could just
face something
that scared you.
Like finally watching
"Hotel Transylvania"
with my eyes open?
No, like softball.
Shit.
Okay.
I'll try.
Whoa, Mudcat!
Let me get you to a hospital.
I can drive myself.
I just need to find my keys.
Okay, Dad.
Let's get you over your fear
of the ball.
Got to keep
those eyes open, Dad!
David "Flincher" over here.
That's a good one.
♪ Put me in, Coach ♪
♪ I'm ready to play ♪
♪ Today ♪
Thought process here was that
watching "Fear Factor"
would also help you conquer
your fear of the ball.
Oh, don't eat those
habanero peppers!
♪ Put me in, Coach ♪
♪ I'm ready to play ♪
♪ Today ♪
See, Dad,
you're doing it!
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ I can be ♪
I'm not afraid anymore!
And I'm gettin' veneers!
♪ Center field ♪
Hey.
You're ready, Dad.
Show Steve, show me,
show everyone
what you're made of.
What's the meaning of this,
Smith?
I'm ready, sir.
Please. Give me a chance.
I won't let you down.
Smith is... in.
Damn it, no!
This is a mistake!
Two outs, man on third.
Everything on the line.
Thoughts?
He'll never score,
sir.
That's great news!
Mongoni?
Mongoni?
Yeah, Mongoni.
Mm,
he's a total ringer.
Plays on,
like, five teams.
Ye-e-e-s-s-s!
No-o-o-o-o!
Mmm-m-m.
I got it!
You cost me a shutout,
Smith!
You already
proved your point!
Did you really need to
tear Dad down again?!
I wasn't trying
to tear him down.
I was trying
to build him back up.
- You were?
- Yeah.
I used to worship him too,
you know?
And I am sorry for taking
that away from you.
It's okay.
Even though I wasn't quite ready
to lose my superhero,
everyone's time comes,
I guess.
Not me.
I still have my superhero...
Chris Pratt.
So funny.
So sexy.
He's an important reminder
that we all have
a responsibility
to be both those things.
Dad, Hayley and I
wrote a new essay.
Read it.
"Our dad might not be
a superhero or a sports hero.
But he showed up
and tried.
For us.
And that's why he's...
our hero."
Thank you, guys.
But this is still very bad.
Shhhh.
Just rest now.
Have you seen
your mother?
Hello?
Hey, what's up?
Bye!
Have a great time!