American Dad! (2005–…): Season 17, Episode 13 - The Fast and the Spurious - full transcript
Roger is forced to confront himself after a series of accidents; Klaus and Jeff bond.
Up-tempo music plays...
Another Oktoberfest in the books.
Now how're we
getting home?
Steve doesn't have a license,
I'm hammered, Francine's wasted,
and Hayley's
way too drunk to drive.
How can you tell?
Because when you abuse alcohol,
I like you more as a person.
I can drive!
I stayed sober all night
just so I could be
the designated driver.
What...
What about Jeff?
He can't, remember?
He shattered his legs
in the beer stein race.
Oh, God!
My legs!
Gross!
Get out of here!
Come on, Stan!
Throw me the keys!
Absolutely not.
- What's the problem?
- I already texted Klaus.
He'll get us
home safe.
You guys want Klaus to drive
instead of me?
Heck yeah we doooo.
Klaus in the house!
More like Klaus in the truck!
Hop in!
Will you please take me
to the ER?
No way.
I'm not wasting my buzz
sitting around
an emergmancy rohm.
But the hospital's
on the way home!
I could've skipped the hospital
just as well as Klaus!
Oh, please.
Legs heal, but there's
no greater pain
than staying sober
all night for nothing.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
*AMERICAN DAD *
*AMERICAN DAD *
Season 17 Episode 13
Episode Title: "The Fast and the Spurious"
Aired on: October 03, 2022.
I can't believe none of you
would let me drive last night.
I was so upset
I had to journal about it,
and that's when I realized
none of you
have gotten in a car with me
for the past six months!
Why not?
Okay,
I'm just gonna say it.
You're the worst driver
in the world.
Hayley, please.
You know how much I love
pointing out Roger's flaws,
but it's best we leave
this to a professional.
That's why I scheduled
an appointment
with our insurance adjustor.
You think I need
my insurance adjusted?
Well, I think you need
your attitude adjusted!
- Insurance adjustor Heinrich Brown?!
- Insurance adjustor Heinrich Brown?!
Please, come in.
I'll make some room for you.
Oh, God! My arms!
Thank you, Stan.
I'm here to explain the reasons
Uncle Roger is a threat
to everything I hold dear
as an insurance adjustor.
To do so, I'll be using a form
of street poetry
colloquially known
as "rap."
Rap music plays...
Rapping...
♪ Get up, unh, unh ♪
♪ My name is Heinrich Brown
and I'm here to say ♪
♪ Uncle Roger drives
in a terrible way ♪
♪ Behind the wheel,
he's negligent ♪
I'm sorry, I just... can't.
This hardened exterior
is a lie.
I only pretend to be tough
because working in insurance
requires a lot of machismo.
But I need to be honest
with myself.
I don't want to rap.
I want to...
♪ Sing ♪
R&B music plays...
Uncle Roger, frankly,
there should be a hall of fame
for all your accidents.
I heard they were building one
and you drove right through it.
I guess the only thing left
to say is...
Alright, here we go!
Full singing!
♪ Roger, you know ♪
♪ That you don't belong
on the road ♪
♪ But you can't let go ♪
♪ It's so apropos ♪
♪ That we're increasing ♪
♪ Your deductible ♪
I told you I saw a bunch
of people in the basement.
I still
don't believe you.
♪ No, you don't belong
on the road ♪
♪ But you can't let go ♪
♪ Every single day ♪
♪ You cause Stan to crash ♪
♪ Into a flagpoooooole ♪
♪ Oh, he is crashing ♪
♪ He's going down, down, down ♪
♪ Roger, you know that you
don't belong on the road ♪
♪ Somehow he walks away
every time ♪
♪ But you can't let go ♪
This song hurts my feelings,
which sucks,
because its already
stuck in my head.
What a fabulous concert.
Is this free?
It feels free
because it's bundled
with your insurance plan.
Free! Free! Free!
Dear Journal,
I hope I can trust you
in the way no one trusts me,
which is a lot!
I'm still upset no one in this
family will let me drive.
Roger, I know this is
a great chance for a joke,
but I want to get
straight to it...
I'm willing to give you
driving lessons.
Hmm.
I guess I'd get to drive
your sick truck.
Yes. But you have to be
extremely careful.
My truck is a highly specific
shade of orange
that's been proven
to cause epileptic seizures,
so they don't make
parts for it anymore.
If you're going to earn
the family's trust back,
you're going to have to show
them you can focus
- while you're driving...
- Hey, look!
A sign!
He's still allowed
to adopt?!
Roger,
goddammit, watch the road!
I can laugh
and watch the...
Whee!
You crashed my perfect truck
into that hideous Tesla!
Hmm... Tesla...
You better have good insurance,
pal.
Oh, God,
the orange of your truck
is so highly
spec...
Tesla...
Tesla...
Roger, why did you invite us
to SoSo's?
Yeah,
this place sucks.
It smells like cheap marinara
and unpaid child support.
And the food...
it tastes...
I wanna say...
bad?
Okay, you guys need to stop
shitting on SoSo's.
Alright? This is a perfectly
fine restaurant
for families on a budget.
Then why don't you
eat some?
What?! No!
I don't wanna die!
Speaking of not dying,
I am finally willing to accept
that none of you
want me to drive.
Thank you, Roger.
We appreciate you respecting
our wishes.
Sorry,
you didn't let me finish.
I'm willing to accept
that none of you
want me to drive
on Earth!
Wow! I've heard
about five-star dining,
but this is ridiculous!
Looks like at SoSo's,
it's not just the savings
that are
out of this world!
No, no, I should take
this seriously.
After all, there's a certain
gravity to this situation!
We have fun.
Roger, what the hell
is going on?!
That's a fair question.
See, SoSo's Pizzas
are alien spaceships
placed throughout America
in preparation
for The Reckoning,
which is when an obscure
alien race will destroy humanity
if they ever stop
making "Law & Order: SVU."
Everyone and their grandma
knows about The Reckoning.
We wanna know what's going on
with us being in space!
Well, earlier, through
no fault of my own,
I crashed Klaus's truck
into a Tesla.
That's when I remembered
Tesla put a car in space.
And now that's where we are.
Space!
But why?!
Because driving in space
is way harder
than driving on land.
Up here,
even the slightest mistake
will get us all killed.
So if I can do this,
you'll have no choice
but to trust me
behind the wheel of a car.
That's your plan to get us
to trust you?!
Yup.
It was this
or completely
changing my personality
and earning it over
the next 5 to 10 years.
So you can see how space
makes a lot more sense for me.
I've got news!
The local SoSo's Pizza
was obliterated
in what people
who might not even
have been there
are calling
a freak gas explosion.
No!
My babe and babe-in-laws
were at that SoSo's!
You lost your wife,
I lost my truck.
Could today
get any worse?
Hey, fish!
I heard about your dead family
and totaled car.
I'm sorry you're feeling down,
but your premiums
are going up!
Okay,
gonna keep it real simple.
Just a few quick maneuvers,
then it's right back to Earth.
Ta-dah!
Watch out! Tesla!
Did you just get
into a car accident...
in space?
And is it just me,
or are we drifting
further and further
from our sweet Mother Gaia?
Not to worry,
this is a perfect excuse
to show off
my most impressive
and unnecessary
space maneuver.
It's called
a Planetary Slingshot,
and it's when... You
use the gravitational pull
of a planet to accelerate,
or "slingshot",
your spacecraft
towards your destination.
The math checks out.
FYI, you absolutely
cannot look at the sun.
Looking directly into the sun
at this proximity
causes Sun Madness.
Francine?
That's right.
And once you go Sun Mad,
you'll become so infatuated
by that big ball of gas
that you'll do anything
to burn up inside her.
Including foreplay.
Take us home, Venus!
Screwed the pooch
on that one.
But if at first
you don't succeed!
Come onnnnn, Mercury!
Welp, third time's
the charm.
But there's only two planets
between Earth and the sun!
Nuh-uh!
What about that one?
That's no planet.
It's a pepperoni!
Bad.
So bad.
No big deal. I can turn around
and fly home without a problem.
With one problem.
We're running low
on fuel.
But we can still get back,
right?
Oh, please let me
do the math.
It's like I'm living
in my own word problem.
Let's see...
ship of this size...
account for
the distance...
Good news, family!
If we continue
at this speed,
we should have enough fuel
to get home in...
seven years?!
What the hell, Roger?
Your driving
has ruined our lives!
All you've proven
is that we were right
not to trust you
behind the wheel.
Maybe we shouldn't
trust you at all.
Fine! I'm gonna go journal,
and you better believe
this next entry
will be scathing!
Oh, God.
I would do anything
to not feel this sad.
Well, research shows,
and I don't want to do this,
but when two
grief-stricken adults
lose everything
but each other,
they heal their pain
through boinking.
That's just science, ergo
my scientific term "boinking"
instead of,
you know, sex.
Uh... No offense,
Mr. Klaus,
but I really don't wanna
get on the train
to Boinksville
with you.
Me neither.
Let's hold out
as long as we can.
I spy with my little eye
something that is...
I know!
Is it a star?!
This is gonna be
a long seven years.
It's like a star,
but it's more like a pizzeria
and it's headed
straight toward us.
It's docking.
Someone, or some thing,
is trying to come aboard.
Hey, gang!
It's me, Roger!
No, I'm Roger.
We're both Roger!
Only difference is...
I'm from the future.
And my space tan makes me
a teensy bit sexier.
So you're me,
but from the future?
Aww. Hard to believe
I was ever that naive.
But yes, you little cherub,
I am.
How far
into the future?
Three. Whole. Days.
That's not far,
but still unusual.
How did you travel
back to us?
I popped through
a little wormhole.
That's impossible.
If you suck at driving
it is.
Ha!
He got you, Roger!
Hey, um...
Where's the future us?
They died
a couple days ago.
I'm still a little sad
about it.
Aw, that's terrible.
Please let us know...
Wait a minute!
Do you mean us?
That's what I came back
to warn you about.
If you stick
with your plan
to get back to Earth
the slow way, you die.
- Eep!
- Eep!
Your only chance
of getting home
is to slingshot the sun.
Slingshotting?
Sounds promising.
You're just gonna
trust this guy?
Look, young blood, you're
the one who got us in this mess.
I'm trying
to get us out of it.
That settles it.
Future Roger's gonna
slingshot us around the sun.
Great!
I like Future Roger.
He's got
a weathered look
that gives me
"wise cowboy" vibes.
Mighty kind of you,
little lady.
It feels great
to have everyone's trust.
You'll just have to
trust me on that.
Want your diary,
buddy?
It's not a diary,
it's a journal!
Like an explorer has!
I'm exploring
my inner thoughts!
Ah!
Wait a second, this entry
is dated three days from now.
This is Future Me's journal!
Dear Journal,
some good news for a change.
I've fallen in love, and you'll
never guess who with!
Her name is The Sun,
and I long to die inside her.
Alas, my family
doesn't understand my love.
By the time we settled
our differences,
we'd been flying in circles
so long
that the ship was
almost completely out of fuel.
But if my calculations
are correct,
I should have just enough fuel
to get to a nearby wormhole
and travel back in time.
Then, I'll be able to take
the Past Smiths' ship
and fly us all
right into the sun!
Holy crap!
Future Me's gone
totally Sun Mad!
And now the only one
who can stop me is Now Me!
Soon, my sweet.
Soon.
Hey, there, whippersnapper.
Whatcha been up to?
Oh, nothing.
Just catching up
on some light reading.
My journal!
I suppose that means you know
the sun and I are lovers.
That ol' flooze?
Buddy of mine raw dogged her
in Cancún.
Said he caught a wicked
case of melanoma.
Oh, sure.
Slut shame the sun.
Real mature.
And so what?
We all have a past.
Oh, a past?
Is that why she still
wakes up every morning
and gives it
to an entire hemisphere?
Take that back!
Aah!
Oh, shit balls.
Rogers!
What's going on here?
Oh, Stan,
it was awful!
I was preparing
for our slingshot
when he detached my ship
and threw my journal into space!
Roger, how could you?
You know how important
that journal is to yourself.
It was him!
He's trying to kill us!
He has Sun Madness!
You gotta believe me!
No, I don't.
If I couldn't
trust you before,
there's certainly no reason
for me to trust you now.
Come on, Future Roger.
Let's get you out of here.
It's all a ruse!
He's selfish
and manipulative
and he cares more
about getting what he wants
than he does about this family's
safety and... ohhhhhh.
This is what it's like
for the family all the time.
I get it now.
Wow, when will I
stop growing?
Roger.
Roger.
I took the liberty
of upgrading your seat belts.
- Good looking out.
- We can always count on you.
Now that you're restrained,
I should probably mention
that I have Sun Madness.
Completely addicted
to the sun.
But don't worry, I'm working
through a twelve-step program,
and the first step is admitting
I have a problem.
The second step?
Flying directly
into the sun!
Why isn't it working?
I knew you'd try
something like this,
which is why I sabotaged
your accelerator.
It's also why I rewired
the emergency eject button
to be over here.
Goodbye, Roger.
I'm three days older
than you.
You think I didn't
see this coming?
I knew you'd try
to sabotage me,
which is why I put
the real eject button over here!
You must be getting slow
in your old age,
because I knew you'd know
that I'd deceive you,
which is why I put
the real eject button over here!
You didn't think I'd know
you knew I knew you'd know?
The real eject button
is over here!
Would you kill
each other already?!
You're a worthy
opponent,
but there's one thing
you didn't count on.
The truth!
That's right,
this whole time
the real emergency
eject button has been...
the emergency
eject button!
Well played,
but it's not over yet.
Good luck trying to push
a button without any hands!
You jagoffs got confused
by the temporal paradox.
You're future him, so when
you cut off your hands...
I'm only cutting off
my own hands!
Which gives me
the upper hand.
A a a a ah!
Joke's on you.
I'm headed right into
the fiery arms of my beloved!
Aah!
Noooooo!
I'm stuck in perfect orbit!
But if I can't be inside you,
at least I can pleasure myself
to your presence.
Oh, God!
No hands!
Roger, you saved us
from yourself.
Maybe, but if I want you
to trust me,
I have to be honest
with you.
And the big truth is,
I can't drive.
We've entered the sun's
gravitational field!
Our only way out is to
pull off a slingshot!
What do you say,
Roger?
Can we trust you with our lives
twice in one hour?
I don't know...
You can do this,
Roger!
We believe
in you!
Personally I think this family's
a little too quick to forgive.
You're right.
With your trust behind me,
I can do anything.
It's so hot!
We're too close!
Wait for it...
She's falling apart!
Almost there...
Now!
Whee!
Great job, Roger!
You did it!
What a slingshot!
Does this mean I'm driving
to Oktoberfest next year?
Only if you don't drink.
Ech.
Never mind.
I'm still sad
my whole family's dead.
I'm still sad
about my truck.
I give in!
Me too!
Let's heal! Let's heal!
♪ Oh, he's grieving ♪
♪ Grieving ♪
♪ On that right now
train to Boinksville ♪
♪ Grieving on that right now
train to Boinksville ♪
♪ Splooge splooge! ♪
Get back
in the basement!
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!
Another Oktoberfest in the books.
Now how're we
getting home?
Steve doesn't have a license,
I'm hammered, Francine's wasted,
and Hayley's
way too drunk to drive.
How can you tell?
Because when you abuse alcohol,
I like you more as a person.
I can drive!
I stayed sober all night
just so I could be
the designated driver.
What...
What about Jeff?
He can't, remember?
He shattered his legs
in the beer stein race.
Oh, God!
My legs!
Gross!
Get out of here!
Come on, Stan!
Throw me the keys!
Absolutely not.
- What's the problem?
- I already texted Klaus.
He'll get us
home safe.
You guys want Klaus to drive
instead of me?
Heck yeah we doooo.
Klaus in the house!
More like Klaus in the truck!
Hop in!
Will you please take me
to the ER?
No way.
I'm not wasting my buzz
sitting around
an emergmancy rohm.
But the hospital's
on the way home!
I could've skipped the hospital
just as well as Klaus!
Oh, please.
Legs heal, but there's
no greater pain
than staying sober
all night for nothing.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
*AMERICAN DAD *
*AMERICAN DAD *
Season 17 Episode 13
Episode Title: "The Fast and the Spurious"
Aired on: October 03, 2022.
I can't believe none of you
would let me drive last night.
I was so upset
I had to journal about it,
and that's when I realized
none of you
have gotten in a car with me
for the past six months!
Why not?
Okay,
I'm just gonna say it.
You're the worst driver
in the world.
Hayley, please.
You know how much I love
pointing out Roger's flaws,
but it's best we leave
this to a professional.
That's why I scheduled
an appointment
with our insurance adjustor.
You think I need
my insurance adjusted?
Well, I think you need
your attitude adjusted!
- Insurance adjustor Heinrich Brown?!
- Insurance adjustor Heinrich Brown?!
Please, come in.
I'll make some room for you.
Oh, God! My arms!
Thank you, Stan.
I'm here to explain the reasons
Uncle Roger is a threat
to everything I hold dear
as an insurance adjustor.
To do so, I'll be using a form
of street poetry
colloquially known
as "rap."
Rap music plays...
Rapping...
♪ Get up, unh, unh ♪
♪ My name is Heinrich Brown
and I'm here to say ♪
♪ Uncle Roger drives
in a terrible way ♪
♪ Behind the wheel,
he's negligent ♪
I'm sorry, I just... can't.
This hardened exterior
is a lie.
I only pretend to be tough
because working in insurance
requires a lot of machismo.
But I need to be honest
with myself.
I don't want to rap.
I want to...
♪ Sing ♪
R&B music plays...
Uncle Roger, frankly,
there should be a hall of fame
for all your accidents.
I heard they were building one
and you drove right through it.
I guess the only thing left
to say is...
Alright, here we go!
Full singing!
♪ Roger, you know ♪
♪ That you don't belong
on the road ♪
♪ But you can't let go ♪
♪ It's so apropos ♪
♪ That we're increasing ♪
♪ Your deductible ♪
I told you I saw a bunch
of people in the basement.
I still
don't believe you.
♪ No, you don't belong
on the road ♪
♪ But you can't let go ♪
♪ Every single day ♪
♪ You cause Stan to crash ♪
♪ Into a flagpoooooole ♪
♪ Oh, he is crashing ♪
♪ He's going down, down, down ♪
♪ Roger, you know that you
don't belong on the road ♪
♪ Somehow he walks away
every time ♪
♪ But you can't let go ♪
This song hurts my feelings,
which sucks,
because its already
stuck in my head.
What a fabulous concert.
Is this free?
It feels free
because it's bundled
with your insurance plan.
Free! Free! Free!
Dear Journal,
I hope I can trust you
in the way no one trusts me,
which is a lot!
I'm still upset no one in this
family will let me drive.
Roger, I know this is
a great chance for a joke,
but I want to get
straight to it...
I'm willing to give you
driving lessons.
Hmm.
I guess I'd get to drive
your sick truck.
Yes. But you have to be
extremely careful.
My truck is a highly specific
shade of orange
that's been proven
to cause epileptic seizures,
so they don't make
parts for it anymore.
If you're going to earn
the family's trust back,
you're going to have to show
them you can focus
- while you're driving...
- Hey, look!
A sign!
He's still allowed
to adopt?!
Roger,
goddammit, watch the road!
I can laugh
and watch the...
Whee!
You crashed my perfect truck
into that hideous Tesla!
Hmm... Tesla...
You better have good insurance,
pal.
Oh, God,
the orange of your truck
is so highly
spec...
Tesla...
Tesla...
Roger, why did you invite us
to SoSo's?
Yeah,
this place sucks.
It smells like cheap marinara
and unpaid child support.
And the food...
it tastes...
I wanna say...
bad?
Okay, you guys need to stop
shitting on SoSo's.
Alright? This is a perfectly
fine restaurant
for families on a budget.
Then why don't you
eat some?
What?! No!
I don't wanna die!
Speaking of not dying,
I am finally willing to accept
that none of you
want me to drive.
Thank you, Roger.
We appreciate you respecting
our wishes.
Sorry,
you didn't let me finish.
I'm willing to accept
that none of you
want me to drive
on Earth!
Wow! I've heard
about five-star dining,
but this is ridiculous!
Looks like at SoSo's,
it's not just the savings
that are
out of this world!
No, no, I should take
this seriously.
After all, there's a certain
gravity to this situation!
We have fun.
Roger, what the hell
is going on?!
That's a fair question.
See, SoSo's Pizzas
are alien spaceships
placed throughout America
in preparation
for The Reckoning,
which is when an obscure
alien race will destroy humanity
if they ever stop
making "Law & Order: SVU."
Everyone and their grandma
knows about The Reckoning.
We wanna know what's going on
with us being in space!
Well, earlier, through
no fault of my own,
I crashed Klaus's truck
into a Tesla.
That's when I remembered
Tesla put a car in space.
And now that's where we are.
Space!
But why?!
Because driving in space
is way harder
than driving on land.
Up here,
even the slightest mistake
will get us all killed.
So if I can do this,
you'll have no choice
but to trust me
behind the wheel of a car.
That's your plan to get us
to trust you?!
Yup.
It was this
or completely
changing my personality
and earning it over
the next 5 to 10 years.
So you can see how space
makes a lot more sense for me.
I've got news!
The local SoSo's Pizza
was obliterated
in what people
who might not even
have been there
are calling
a freak gas explosion.
No!
My babe and babe-in-laws
were at that SoSo's!
You lost your wife,
I lost my truck.
Could today
get any worse?
Hey, fish!
I heard about your dead family
and totaled car.
I'm sorry you're feeling down,
but your premiums
are going up!
Okay,
gonna keep it real simple.
Just a few quick maneuvers,
then it's right back to Earth.
Ta-dah!
Watch out! Tesla!
Did you just get
into a car accident...
in space?
And is it just me,
or are we drifting
further and further
from our sweet Mother Gaia?
Not to worry,
this is a perfect excuse
to show off
my most impressive
and unnecessary
space maneuver.
It's called
a Planetary Slingshot,
and it's when... You
use the gravitational pull
of a planet to accelerate,
or "slingshot",
your spacecraft
towards your destination.
The math checks out.
FYI, you absolutely
cannot look at the sun.
Looking directly into the sun
at this proximity
causes Sun Madness.
Francine?
That's right.
And once you go Sun Mad,
you'll become so infatuated
by that big ball of gas
that you'll do anything
to burn up inside her.
Including foreplay.
Take us home, Venus!
Screwed the pooch
on that one.
But if at first
you don't succeed!
Come onnnnn, Mercury!
Welp, third time's
the charm.
But there's only two planets
between Earth and the sun!
Nuh-uh!
What about that one?
That's no planet.
It's a pepperoni!
Bad.
So bad.
No big deal. I can turn around
and fly home without a problem.
With one problem.
We're running low
on fuel.
But we can still get back,
right?
Oh, please let me
do the math.
It's like I'm living
in my own word problem.
Let's see...
ship of this size...
account for
the distance...
Good news, family!
If we continue
at this speed,
we should have enough fuel
to get home in...
seven years?!
What the hell, Roger?
Your driving
has ruined our lives!
All you've proven
is that we were right
not to trust you
behind the wheel.
Maybe we shouldn't
trust you at all.
Fine! I'm gonna go journal,
and you better believe
this next entry
will be scathing!
Oh, God.
I would do anything
to not feel this sad.
Well, research shows,
and I don't want to do this,
but when two
grief-stricken adults
lose everything
but each other,
they heal their pain
through boinking.
That's just science, ergo
my scientific term "boinking"
instead of,
you know, sex.
Uh... No offense,
Mr. Klaus,
but I really don't wanna
get on the train
to Boinksville
with you.
Me neither.
Let's hold out
as long as we can.
I spy with my little eye
something that is...
I know!
Is it a star?!
This is gonna be
a long seven years.
It's like a star,
but it's more like a pizzeria
and it's headed
straight toward us.
It's docking.
Someone, or some thing,
is trying to come aboard.
Hey, gang!
It's me, Roger!
No, I'm Roger.
We're both Roger!
Only difference is...
I'm from the future.
And my space tan makes me
a teensy bit sexier.
So you're me,
but from the future?
Aww. Hard to believe
I was ever that naive.
But yes, you little cherub,
I am.
How far
into the future?
Three. Whole. Days.
That's not far,
but still unusual.
How did you travel
back to us?
I popped through
a little wormhole.
That's impossible.
If you suck at driving
it is.
Ha!
He got you, Roger!
Hey, um...
Where's the future us?
They died
a couple days ago.
I'm still a little sad
about it.
Aw, that's terrible.
Please let us know...
Wait a minute!
Do you mean us?
That's what I came back
to warn you about.
If you stick
with your plan
to get back to Earth
the slow way, you die.
- Eep!
- Eep!
Your only chance
of getting home
is to slingshot the sun.
Slingshotting?
Sounds promising.
You're just gonna
trust this guy?
Look, young blood, you're
the one who got us in this mess.
I'm trying
to get us out of it.
That settles it.
Future Roger's gonna
slingshot us around the sun.
Great!
I like Future Roger.
He's got
a weathered look
that gives me
"wise cowboy" vibes.
Mighty kind of you,
little lady.
It feels great
to have everyone's trust.
You'll just have to
trust me on that.
Want your diary,
buddy?
It's not a diary,
it's a journal!
Like an explorer has!
I'm exploring
my inner thoughts!
Ah!
Wait a second, this entry
is dated three days from now.
This is Future Me's journal!
Dear Journal,
some good news for a change.
I've fallen in love, and you'll
never guess who with!
Her name is The Sun,
and I long to die inside her.
Alas, my family
doesn't understand my love.
By the time we settled
our differences,
we'd been flying in circles
so long
that the ship was
almost completely out of fuel.
But if my calculations
are correct,
I should have just enough fuel
to get to a nearby wormhole
and travel back in time.
Then, I'll be able to take
the Past Smiths' ship
and fly us all
right into the sun!
Holy crap!
Future Me's gone
totally Sun Mad!
And now the only one
who can stop me is Now Me!
Soon, my sweet.
Soon.
Hey, there, whippersnapper.
Whatcha been up to?
Oh, nothing.
Just catching up
on some light reading.
My journal!
I suppose that means you know
the sun and I are lovers.
That ol' flooze?
Buddy of mine raw dogged her
in Cancún.
Said he caught a wicked
case of melanoma.
Oh, sure.
Slut shame the sun.
Real mature.
And so what?
We all have a past.
Oh, a past?
Is that why she still
wakes up every morning
and gives it
to an entire hemisphere?
Take that back!
Aah!
Oh, shit balls.
Rogers!
What's going on here?
Oh, Stan,
it was awful!
I was preparing
for our slingshot
when he detached my ship
and threw my journal into space!
Roger, how could you?
You know how important
that journal is to yourself.
It was him!
He's trying to kill us!
He has Sun Madness!
You gotta believe me!
No, I don't.
If I couldn't
trust you before,
there's certainly no reason
for me to trust you now.
Come on, Future Roger.
Let's get you out of here.
It's all a ruse!
He's selfish
and manipulative
and he cares more
about getting what he wants
than he does about this family's
safety and... ohhhhhh.
This is what it's like
for the family all the time.
I get it now.
Wow, when will I
stop growing?
Roger.
Roger.
I took the liberty
of upgrading your seat belts.
- Good looking out.
- We can always count on you.
Now that you're restrained,
I should probably mention
that I have Sun Madness.
Completely addicted
to the sun.
But don't worry, I'm working
through a twelve-step program,
and the first step is admitting
I have a problem.
The second step?
Flying directly
into the sun!
Why isn't it working?
I knew you'd try
something like this,
which is why I sabotaged
your accelerator.
It's also why I rewired
the emergency eject button
to be over here.
Goodbye, Roger.
I'm three days older
than you.
You think I didn't
see this coming?
I knew you'd try
to sabotage me,
which is why I put
the real eject button over here!
You must be getting slow
in your old age,
because I knew you'd know
that I'd deceive you,
which is why I put
the real eject button over here!
You didn't think I'd know
you knew I knew you'd know?
The real eject button
is over here!
Would you kill
each other already?!
You're a worthy
opponent,
but there's one thing
you didn't count on.
The truth!
That's right,
this whole time
the real emergency
eject button has been...
the emergency
eject button!
Well played,
but it's not over yet.
Good luck trying to push
a button without any hands!
You jagoffs got confused
by the temporal paradox.
You're future him, so when
you cut off your hands...
I'm only cutting off
my own hands!
Which gives me
the upper hand.
A a a a ah!
Joke's on you.
I'm headed right into
the fiery arms of my beloved!
Aah!
Noooooo!
I'm stuck in perfect orbit!
But if I can't be inside you,
at least I can pleasure myself
to your presence.
Oh, God!
No hands!
Roger, you saved us
from yourself.
Maybe, but if I want you
to trust me,
I have to be honest
with you.
And the big truth is,
I can't drive.
We've entered the sun's
gravitational field!
Our only way out is to
pull off a slingshot!
What do you say,
Roger?
Can we trust you with our lives
twice in one hour?
I don't know...
You can do this,
Roger!
We believe
in you!
Personally I think this family's
a little too quick to forgive.
You're right.
With your trust behind me,
I can do anything.
It's so hot!
We're too close!
Wait for it...
She's falling apart!
Almost there...
Now!
Whee!
Great job, Roger!
You did it!
What a slingshot!
Does this mean I'm driving
to Oktoberfest next year?
Only if you don't drink.
Ech.
Never mind.
I'm still sad
my whole family's dead.
I'm still sad
about my truck.
I give in!
Me too!
Let's heal! Let's heal!
♪ Oh, he's grieving ♪
♪ Grieving ♪
♪ On that right now
train to Boinksville ♪
♪ Grieving on that right now
train to Boinksville ♪
♪ Splooge splooge! ♪
Get back
in the basement!
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!