American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 6 - The Wondercabinet - full transcript

*AMERICAN DAD*
Season 16 Episode 06 IMDB

Episode Title: "The Wondercabinet"
Aired on: May 24, 2021.

So many careers
to choose from!

I'm most excited
about the scientist.

Scientists are truly working
on the front lines of discovery.

Working on the front lines
of discovery...

Is not what I do.

All the good stuff... that's
all done by computers now.

Oh.

I see lots of cute animals
every day.

And I put almost all of them
to sleep.



No matter how much I shower,

I smell like I'm wearing
a flea collar.

I got into being a cowboy
because it was manly.

But, ironically, the harsh
bumping of the saddle

has destroyed my dick and balls.

I'm so tired of candy.

Sometimes late at night,
I go to the kitchen

And I eat
spoonfuls of salt.

I don't love my wife
anymore.

Because of
the candy?

Yes.

Boy: A real astronaut!

Okay, so,
I'm not an astronaut.

- Oh!
- I'm a radio engineer.



[ grunting ]
that's right... radio.

Does anyone here
listen to radio?

Free radios, kids!
Give it a try!

It's like podcasts,

But it works around our
schedule, not yours.

My show is
the morning-drive time,

Every day on wlng 98.2.

And if folks don't
start listening,

I'm gonna be
homeless.

[ squeaking ]

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The Sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy,
it's swell to say

- ♪ Good...
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Is something
the matter, Steve?

You've barely touched
your canned corn and cornballs.

I think it's that dang
career fair got me down.

All the adults... their lives
seem to sad and small.

Oh, you must have
misheard them.

Being an adult
is great.

Oh! What's great
about it?

Well, there's, uh...

You're peppering me
with questions.

Meanwhile, my corn's
getting cold.

You know,
I picked my career

at my high-school
career fair.

Housewife?

Circus manager.

But... but you're not
a circus manager.

It's a long process.

I-I think she has
stopped talking.

I don't have a career,
but Teddy sraberg sure does.

I'm Teddy sraberg.

I work in the adult-film
industry,

But I don't
do sex acts yet.

I drive the Bangvan.

You know, the gray econoline
that cruises around

While hard-bodies bang
in the back.

I didn't know you worked
for the 'Van!

Ever since I got banned
from milf catcher,

That's been
like my main thing!

Do you want to know what
I did to get banned

from looking at
a porn site?

It's bad.

♪ Cilantro es cantante■

♪ cilantro es muy fam...■

♪ pizza overlord■

Ow-ow-ow-ow!
Rocking Ronnie here

Hittin' you with...
[ static ]

A career, a job...
That's all there is?

Man: You might think
that's all there is.

Live, work, die.

But that's not true.

I'm Palmer Eymas,

And this is
"the wondercabinet,"

An exploration of the hidden
mysteries of the universe.

On tonight's show,
the pineal gland...

A small sac of fluid located in
the center of the human brain.

The third eye.

The ancient Egyptians believed

you could vibrate
the pineal gland,

allowing the consciousness
to move any direction

in space and time...
Astral projection.

And every vertebrate in the
world has a pineal gland,

except one, the hagfish.

You are not a hagfish.

I'm not a hagfish.

You're not!

The powers that be have
just gumped up

our pineal glands
with fluoride.

Mm, fluoride.
I don't know.

Skeptical?

Listen to this esteemed
list of people

Who believe
in astral projection.

Ric flair,

Brutus "the barber" beefcake,

one of the bushwhackers,

and rené descartes.

[ gasps ]

As you all know,
I astral-project frequently.

I've gone to the time
of dinosaurs.

No feathers, by the way.

Scientists get it wrong again!

I've watched the collapse
of the last bit of matter

in the universe
at the end of time.

I know who banksy actually is.

It's "Captain" Lou Albano.

He's not dead, by the way.

Scientists get it wrong again,
again!

You want to see the wonders
of the universe?

Just put out your crystals,
vibrate your pineal gland,

And... snap... you're off.

Since all my listeners
are now successfully

Astral-projecting,

I'll take this private moment

to say a shameful secret.

I have, in the past,

treated the sports illustrated
swimsuit edition

as pornography.

Excuse me.
Are you Mr. Sraberg?

So you're my trainee,

Here to learn how to drive
the famous Bangvan?

Yeah. [ chuckles ]
I mean, I'm hoping

to get in the back seat
at some point,

Do some acting,
you know?

Get in line.

I've been
the driver forever,

So if anybody's getting that tap
on the shoulder, it's me.

Beautiful street,
right?

It's not just the humping
people enjoy.

It's the scenery
going by the windows.

[ woman moaning ]
it's a huge part, I believe.

Shhhh!
Shh!

Just because you work
in a Bangvan

Doesn't mean
you can't be professional.

Rule number 1...
Eyes on the road.

You're gonna be tempted
to sneak peeks in the mirror,

But don't do it.

[ moaning in back seat ]
oh, damn, that's hot!

Wow. Guys,
I ran a red just then.

Is this meth, Steve?

It's my Rose quartz...
To relax my neural pathways.

I've been listening to this
radio show hosted by Palmer...

Radio is dead, Steve.
Stern is on siriusxm now.

Astral projection?

Oh, Steve,
that's new age garbage.

And a book? When TV?
What are you thinking?

Palmer says everyone used
to astral-project,

Until our pineal glands
got gunked up with fluoride...

The pineal gland
is a myth!

Well, no one disputes
the pineal gland exists.

People just aren't sure
what the gland does.

Gland this, gland that.
Let's not talk about glands.

Let's talk about
careers.

You could
be anything, Steve.

Why, you could be
an endocrinologist,

Whatever that is.

That's... are you...

That's a doctor
who studies glands.

There's that word again.

I'm afraid I'm going to have
to forbid you

from listening
to that radio show.

But he's the only adult
I know who has

any wonder in his life!

Pff! You don't need
astral projection

to have wonder
in your life.

Okay.
Then where do I find it?

Um, um, look, you know
I know the answer,

But, uh, I'm tired,
you're tired,

And I don't want
to be up all night explaining

it to you when you're
not gonna get it.

Now go to sleep
and have sweet dreams,

Or we're gonna have
big problems, mister.

It's 4:30!
[ door slams ]

Stupid dad. Gah!
I'm shaking with anger.

Whoa! Whoa!
What's happening?

Man: [ muffled ] Help me!
Oh, god!

Help me!

DJ Karen: Hi.
I'm DJ Karen Shipley,

filling in for Palmer, who
suspiciously didn't show up.

Oh, my god!

It's unlike him, and he hasn't
returned any of our calls.

But, anyhoo,
I'm just gonna play

"I'd really love
to see you tonight."

I think... I think
I astral-projected!

And... and that room.

That must have been
where Palmer is.

He was calling for help.

I have to save Palmer!

♪ Not much, how about you? ♪

As soon as they
play a bad song.

♪ I'm not sure why I ♪

Thank you all
for coming so quickly.

I apologize
for the late hour.

If we're aiming to party,

Look what Barry got
his little hands on.

My dad's friend left his
fringe jacket at the house,

And this was inside.

Palmer Eymas
is in trouble, guys.

Palmer Eymas?

That's your
talking goldfish, yeah?

He's the host of
"the wondercabinet."

Someone's attacking him
or kidnapping him.

He... he knows too much.
He's saying too much.

About who?

Big fluoride!

Should we call
the police then?

We can't call
the police.

You're damn right!

Not when I have this
much party powder on me.

I guess we can hide it
in our noses.

The police
will never believe me.

I only know Palmer's
in trouble because...

I astral-projected.

You what?

Everything Palmer said
is true!

I actually left my body
and traveled

to what must be
Palmer's house.

You want us to go
to some guy's house?

He's the only one talking
about how incredible

Life can actually be.

The radio station
has to have his address.

To the bikes!

No one wants my cocaine.

Feel like a frickin' idiot!

[ knock on door ]

Hey, Steve.

Sounds like you're watching
"revenge of the nerds" in here.

Let's start from the begi...
He's gone.

Initiate expert tracker mode.

This open window is the perfect
place to stand

And wonder how he got out.

We've got to
get there fast!

Let's cut through
the cemetery!

I say we cross the playground
where we saw that condom,

Then shoot down
mohawk drive.

Mohawk... perfect!

The tree roots pushed up
all the sidewalks,

Turning them
into little ramps.

Since time
is of the essence,

We'll only take
five minutes

To do totally sick
bike jumps.

10.
Deal!

- 15!
- Even better deal!

[ tires squeal ]
whoa! That guy almost hit me!

[ moaning in back seat ] I
mean, I know it's my ticket.

It's just... boy, you know,
I don't make much,

and this big number here...
That's got me sweating.

What does everybody
in the back think?

It... it should be me
that pays it

'cause I'm the one
that ran the red?

Man: Quiet, Teddy!

Hey, new guy,
you ready to jump back here,

Show us your stuff?

Yes, sir!

Woman: Ooh!

Are you [bleep] kidding me?
I quit!

[ crashing ]
Good luck getting people

to watch sex
in a parked Van.

[ moaning in back seat ]

I'm unquitting because
this just proves

Someone from up here can
actually make it back there.

Man: Shut up, Teddy!

The radio station.

Palmer's home address
has to be in there.

We've just got to get
past the guard.

Let's forget this
radio-station business

And get a little high?

Get high! That's it!

There's a door up on the roof
of the radio station.

We just need to build
a big-enough jump.

A jump, you say?

- Here goes noth...
- Guard: What do we have here?

We're busted!

You little troublemakers
are going away for a long...

A ramp?!

I haven't gone off a ramp
since I was a kid!

Watch this!

Time to fly
like an eagle, baby!

[ grunts ]
I broke my ass!

I'm so embarrassed!

They're gonna put me
in a big plastic diaper!

Oh, no!

[ mellow music playing ]

William: You came!

You're interested in radio!

Don't push me into
the closet I sleep in!

[ pounding on door ]

Palmer Eymas... the vista view
apartments on third street.

Mm, is there someone
special you'd like

to dedicate
this love song to?

Man: A very important
woman in my life.

Just thinking about her
makes my heart race.

Love is just
so, so special.

She's a cartoon bird
with big, red lips

That's in these
car-insurance commercials.

She sounds incredible.

Here's Peter cetera's
"glory of love"

From "the karate kid ii"
soundtrack.

[ tires squeal ]

This tree is dry.

The roots have been
squeezed of moisture by kids

Doing jumps off the sidewalk.

Four kids to be precise...
Three normals and a large.

[ vehicle approaching]
They're heading east.

Whoa! This guy's driving
on the sidewalk!

And I'll tell you
something else.

[ moaning in back seat ]
People want to see someone

with a little paunch,
a guy who works for a living

have sex in the Van.

Fine. Let's go.

R-r-right now?

Yes.
But... but who's gonna drive?

We'll park.

P-people need to see
the trees going by.

Tonight or never.

Okay, okay.
But I'm frizzing out.

At least let me wet down my hair
in a gas-station bathroom.

You've got to let me
make it nice.

Please!

Hmm. Makeshift ramp,
a loser with broken butt.

I've solved it.

This fool was trying
to relive his youth.

Maybe to impress some kids?

Judging by how dry
his mouth feels,

I'd say the boys left here
about 45 minutes ago.

Get your hands
out of my mouth!

If you're looking for those
boys, they went...

Stop! I want to
track them only by seeing

how moist things are.

[ moaning ]

Okay, best-case scenario,
Palmer's tied up inside.

So we can't just knock
on the door.

[ knocks on door ]

Barry, no!

What if the agents
of big fluoride are...

Palmer?
Y-you're okay!

I thought something
happened to you.

Something did
happen to me!

I have a toothache,
which is crazy,

Because I wipe my teeth with
a hand towel three times a day!

Uh, how do you
know who I am?

From "the wondercabinet."
I'm a fan.

And guess what.

I astral-projected
right into your apartment.

Where... where are
the astral charts?

Where are the crystals?

It's just a bunch of posters
of... Race cars?

Yeah!
You can't even drive

this one on the street
it's so fast.

I-is there another room?

Another room?!
I work in radio.

Who do you think I am?
King Ralph?

I astral-projected!

Really?
That's wild!

I'd love to do that.

But... but you have.

You said so on your show.

I just made that up.

So I didn't astral-project.

And you're just another
sad adult.

I am so sick
of sad adults!

Aah!

My lamborghini
veneno!

Steve, he's okay.

Why are you so upset?

We're supposed
to pick a path,

But they all lead
to the same place...

A small, sad life!

I thought there was another way,
but there isn't!

Stan: They should call you boys
hurricane Katrina,

'cause you've been leaving
water all over town.

And you!

You want me to live the
smallest, worst life of all...

Yours!

You're a hagfish!

Aaaaaaaah!

Whoa!
Is that his pineal gland?

Steve!

Steve!

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

The Astral plane.

I'm here.

Oh, god, I'm actually here!

It's real!

Okay, how does it work?
How does it work?

I should be able to just think
of a place and go, say Paris.

[ French accordion music plays ]
magnifique!

I can go anywhere,
even chimdale.

Wow! Chimdale!

It's like Paris on steroids.

It's all so beautiful!
I want to see everything.

I want to see everything Palmer
lied about getting to see,

To every time and every place,

To the last moment
of the universe!

Sad ending.

Got to stop reading
the last page of a book first.

Now show me dinosaurs!

Incredible!

The feathers are
so unpleasant, though.

[ roars ]

[ Steve gasps ]

Bu-gawk!

Oh, just awful.

Now show me everything!

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[ toilet flushes ]

There we go.

Hey, you're great.

You're a nice guy.

People want to see you
do things.

Did you get in shape
the way you wanted?

No, of course not.

Did you eat like you were
an actor trying to gain

100 pounds for a role?

Yeah. So what?

Now are you ready to smash?
Yeah.

I said,
are you ready to smash?!

Yes!
Let me really hear it.

I'm gonna smash!

Yeah!

No! H-help!

Can anyone hear me?

Man: Where the hell
is Teddy?

I'm in here!
My hair is wet.

I'm ready for sex!

Trainee: You know,
I was thinking,

What if we just used
a green screen

Instead of driving around
all the time?

No! That's terrible!

That could
totally work.

No! Why can I hear you
and you can't hear me?!

We wouldn't need
a driver at all!

I'm having a panic attack!

[ gasping ]

[ chuckles ]

Well, Roger's
at it again.

What next?

Oh!

That strange room.

I forgot about that.

If it wasn't Palmer's room,
what was it?

I'm back! This is it!

But where is this?

Let's take it back in time.

It's dad's study.

Where are you?

Where did you go?

[♪♪]

[ sobs ]

Help me!

Oh, god, help me!

Dad was the one calling
for help... To save me.

[ gasps ] Steve!
You came back!

Be careful.
That's waterford glass.

I've traveled
so far, dad,

to every corner
of this universe.

I've seen so much.

Did I end up getting cast
as Hamilton

In the movie version
of "Hamilton"?

No. Well, I owe
tuttle a million dollars.

There's something
I need to say.

No. You're back.

We don't have to talk
ever again.

I apologize for calling you
a hagfish

And saying your life
was small,

For thinking anyone's life
was small.

I wanted something infinite,
but I didn't realize

I had it right here.

A love so big it moved us
across time and space

to find each other.

Is that what you couldn't
figure out how to say, dad?

Is that what you wanted me
to understand?

No.
That's stupid.

And even if it was
what I felt,

How dare you
say it out loud.

Don't touch me.

Get away from me!

What's say we pop open
that third eye,

Do a little astral
projecting together.

[ laughs ]

I'm haunting
my own house.

Boo!

Boo!

Dad, I told you
they can't see us.

What's the point then?
This sucks.

I'll show you something
that doesn't suck.

Whoa! Chimdale.

Now, this
I could get used to.

Right?!

Bye! Have a great time!