American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 7 - Little Bonnie Ramirez - full transcript

Man, I love weekdays.

I know, right?

The weekends are all
"go, go, go."

I need five full days
to just chill.

Hello?

Francine, I'm having
a character emergency.

There's a small, brown bag
in the fridge.

I need you to bring it to
1466 hemlock street right now.

Ooh, Roger wants me
to deliver a creepy package

to one of
his characters.

I can't wait to see
what he's up to.



I bet it's, like,
a bunch of human anuses.

He's gonna dump into
the fountain at the mall.

Ooh, ya think?

I swim in that fountain
sometimes.

There it is.
Gimme, Gimme.

Just carrots?

Unless
that's something fun

Like toddler fingers
covered in cheeto dust?

Yeah, right.

Naomi carcaterra doesn't have
the metabolism

The other gals
in the office do.

We're doing ice-cream cake
for Jill's birthday,

And I want to fill up
on something healthy

So I'm not tempted.



You had me come all the way
out here for this?

This is
so unlike you.

This is so...
boring.

Boring?
No, no, no.

Naomi can curl her tongue.

Look.
Doesn't it look like a taco?

I think
it looks like a taco.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy,
it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

*AMERICAN DAD*
Season 16 Episode 07 IMDB

Episode Title:
"Little Bonnie Ramirez"

Good news, everybody.

The doctors figured out
why you're seeing birds

When there aren't
any birds around?

Better.

They mailed us the tickets
for our cruise.

Hot damn.
We're really doing it.

Alright!
Unh, big boat time!

It says they recently converted
their infirmary

to a teen hang zone.

Oh, hell yeah.

I dominate
in international waters.

I got the skimpiest little
teal bathing suit...

Little teal bathing suit.
Yes.

How does Hayley
do the high seas?

No food, no water.

Piña coladas only.

You know what
I'm looking forward to?

Swimming in a pool
with 30 people

Who have active diarrhea.

F'ing "A,"
we're doing a cruise.

- Whoo!
- Yeah-ha-ha! - Ghaaaaa...

What's for dinner?
I'll just take a nibble.

Ate an entire
ice-cream cake today.

Well, look who it is.

Would you believe
this bum had me drive

All the way
out to chimdale acres

Just to bring carrots
to some boring-ass character?

Wow, chimdale acres?

No one ever goes out there,
unless, of course,

You're looking for the best
trade-in price for your Toyota,

Nissan, or anything
from the Chrysler family.

Well, sadly, I wasn't out there
to get an unbeatable deal

from carruthers auto mall,
Steve.

Instead, I was experiencing
one of Roger's lamest personas yet.

What?
Naomi's great.

She's thinking about
joining costco.

Naomi?

In costco?

I mean, come on.

What happened,
Roger?

The beauty of my characters
is their diversity.

They can't all be
serial killers.

Your last serial-killer persona
never even killed anyone.

He got sidetracked going to
estate sales in the desert.

People are basically giving
away turquoise out there.

Wow, Roger.

Have you
lost your edge?

How dare you?

I'm the same old Roger
I've always been.

I don't know.

You were just Ricky Spanish
for a whole week,

And you spent the entire time
on the computer,

Quietly rating movies
on imdb.

You've clearly
lost something.

I haven't lost anything,
and I'll prove it to you.

Man, he really took the air
out of this dinner.

You know what'll
steer us back?

♪ Little teal ♪

♪ Bathing suit, bathing suit,
bathing suit ♪

- Whoo! Oh, yeah.
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

- Yeah! I made him.
- ♪ Little teal bathing suit ♪

Told ya
I haven't lost it.

I just pulled off
the world's greatest heist.

Behold the "Mona Lisa."

What the?
Dr. Slippy's boner grease-a?

Aah,
my partner set me up!

Or, I'm not an art expert,

But is this
the "Mona Lisa"?

Aaaah!

Roger, what is it?

Meet Winston equity III.

I found a bunch of guys
who look kind of like vin diesel

And set up a "boiler room" -style
brokerage firm.

Now we're about to get rich
to the tune of... wait.

It hasn't set up
our computers yet?

We haven't made or lost
any money!

Aaah!

I'm Mike microscope,

And I figured out
how to clone people.

Feast your eyes.

Nice try.

I've already seen
the vin diesels.

Damn it.
Personas are hard.

Hey, whatever happened with
your girlfriend from the museum?

The old lady? I still haven't
broken up with her.

I know, I know.

I-I just really feel like

Natural causes
are gonna bail me out.

Welp,
time to face the music.

My personas stink,

and I can't pull off
wacky shenanigans anymore.

I really have
lost my edge.

Oh, I'm sorry
I was so right.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

Well, I got 9,000 uninspired
years before I die,

So just humor me
and my dull personas.

Maybe take a little girl...
whose only noteworthy quality

Is her ability
to chew raisins

Very thoroughly...
to the park.

Of course.

Well, now that I'm all alone,

I can drink the grease directly
out of the pepperoni cups

Without a single iota of shame.

You're disgusting.

Noooooooo!

Mm, I'm really pulverizing
these raisins.

It's probably nothing,

But I feel like
everyone's looking at us.

You're crazy.

Oh, my god,
it's little Bonnie Ramirez.

That is her,
the pageant girl

Who went missing
three years ago.

Bonnie's alive,
and that woman kidnapped her.

Yes, it is me,
little Bonnie Ramirez.

Someone please free me
from this monster.

Roger, what the hell
is going on?

Decided to dust off an old
chestnut to teach you a lesson.

You're about to be charged
with child abduction.

Who's lost their edge now,
you perv?

That poor, confident
little girl.

Tonight on
"unsolved mysteries:

The new class,"
an Iowa woman is just gone,

And a little boy
who can draw Manny

From "modern family" perfectly,

Even though he's never
heard of the show.

Could something supernatural
be at play?

But first, we have an
"unsolved mysteries" update.

Three years ago,
child-pageant queen

Bonnie Ramirez went missing.

With no clues left behind,
Bonnie was gone forever.

Until this week, when she
was spotted at the park

With a woman
going by Francine Smith.

Authorities believe
Smith has been

holding little Bonnie captive
this entire time.

Smith is now in police custody

and scheduled
for trial this week.

And additionally, to
the growing number of viewers

Posting online that I'm the one
kidnapping all these kids,

See? Not me.

Your mother's obviously
gonna be fine.

This is just some silly feud
between her and Roger.

But I do have one concern...
the cruise.

We were supposed
to go this week.

And I'd argue
we still should.

A trial like this can't be easy
on the family of the accused.

I think
we deserve a getaway.

We'd be back
before the verdict.

I'm in.
Wonderful.

There is
just one more issue.

Your mom purchased
the cruise in her name,

and party Artie's
floating family shitshow

won't let us on board
without her.

We just need someone
who can pass for her.

She looks like mom.

Maybe more like mom
than mom.

In my head,
when I think of your mom,

I now picture
this woman.

It's settled.
We're going on the cruise.

It's what Francine...
and by that,

I mean this woman...
Would have wanted.

Your court-appointed
attorney's here.

Him? Unh-unh.
No way.

Sorry. No one else is willing
to defend a monster like you.

Aaaah!

What the hell have you
gotten me into?

I'm going on trial.

Wow, sounds like
the work of someone

Who hasn't
lost their edge.

Jesus, Roger.

I admit it, okay?

You haven't lost your edge
or you're not washed up

Or whatever
this is about.

Just tell everyone I didn't
do it so we can end this.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

You're just telling me
what I want to hear

Because you're desperate,
but I'm gonna show you

I've still got it
and in undeniable fashion.

No.

I'm gonna give the performance
of my life as little Bonnie,

Bringing you
to the brink of conviction,

Only to be topped by
my public-defender character...

Ed Dickle,
the ultimate showman...

who's gonna rake
that little girl

Over the coals
to get you off.

Let's get to work.

What's this?

An even smaller briefcase?

Another?

A key?

But to what?

This.

The ultimate showman!

Oh, here's my phone bill.
Hang on.

I should knock this out
while I'm thinking about it.

Got a charge on here
I don't recognize.

Your call is important to us...

Trust me,
you want this resolved

So I can give your case
full focus.

Can you even
pull this off,

Bonnie and the lawyer
in the same room?

You forget I got
super-speed, baby.

Roger!

Sorry, was trying
to do something cool there,

But you get the point.

I'm over here now.
I'm fast.

So you were the real
Bonnie Ramirez, huh? Yep.

But got bored with
the whole pageant thing,

So I just wandered off
one day.

Didn't think the family
was gonna make

Such a big deal about it.

I mean, they only knew her
for like five years.

"Jag" was on
twice that long,

And no one's crying about
that going off the air.

Oh, god,
such a good show!

Thank you so much for coming
with us, Isabella.

It's the least I could do.

This must be a very hard time
for you.

Good thing I'm literally
in margaritaville

with all these
piña coladas.

- Mmm.
- Hey, Steve.

Am I gonna see your moves
in the dance contest tomorrow?

Y-you... you know it.

You know that badass?

She's the only kid I couldn't
bully off the foosball table.

I met her
at the teen hang zone,

But it's not gonna matter
after tomorrow.

She's expecting me to perform
in the dance contest,

And I'm terrible.

You know, Steve,
I used to dance

Competitively back
in Johannesburg.

I could show you
a few steps.

Wow,
that would be amazing.

Root beer, red wine,

Another piña colada
for the lady,

and an Arnold Palmer
for the gentleman.

Stan, what's wrong?

It's just this
is an Arnold Palmer,

And I asked for
a triple-vodka coke.

It's fine.
It's basically the same thing.

Stick up for yourself,
Stan.

You're the only man here
wearing a shirt to dinner.

You deserve
to be treated right.

Hi. Excuse me.
Sorry.

I hope it's not
too much trouble,

but... I actually ordered
a triple-vodka coke,

And, for some reason,

You chose to me
in the face

With what looks like
a glass of piss and shit.

Now, get me what I ordered
before I shoot you to death

in front of this crowd
full of drunks.

Please.

Alright, dad!

Little Bonnie, please take
a look around the room.

Is the person who imprisoned
you here today?

Yes. Her.

Pink dress.

Oh, it was horrible.

She made me call her
"mama god."

She kept me in a cage
and only fed me moths.

Actually developed
a taste for 'em.

Did I miss anything
while I was gone?

Aunt Becky from "full house"
up to anything?

I'm just playing.

Even I heard about that
college-admissions scandal.

Yep, mama god told me
and Nancy all about it.

I'm sorry.
Who?

Oh, Nancy was just
one of the many,

many other children mashed
into that cage with me.

You're supposed to tell me
everything.

So, Mr. Dickle,
it's your turn

to cross-examine
little Bonnie.

Finally,
our side of the story.

All good, dude.

Are you sure?
I'm in pretty deep here.

Relax. I got an ace in the hole.
You're golden.

Very well, Mr. Dickle.

You may now call
your first witness.

Time to see why the call ed
the ultimate showman.

♪ Living in America ♪

♪ Hit me ♪

Black belt.

♪ Living in America ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ I walk in and out ♪

Ed Dickle has acquired a tape

Of the actual abduction
three years ago.

Mr. Dickle,
this is not how trials work,

especially not here at
the chimdale county courthouse

presented by
carruthers auto mall.

All evidence must be
submitted in advance.

I couldn't submit it in advance.
I staged it last night.

It's okay.

There's got to be another

ace in the hole
here somewhere.

Here.
Don't hang up.

I'm still on hold
with the phone company.

This is Sarah B.
How may I assist you today?

Oh, my god! Have someone else go
for a minute.

Sorry, Sarah, I'm here.

Do you happen to
have my bill in front of you?

♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪

Is that his mom?

♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪

♪ Ombligo con omligo ♪

♪ choka, choka, choka, choka ♪

♪ Dale, que te sigo ♪

♪ Choka, choka, Cho...
Pero muévete conmigo ♪

Sorry, everybody.

It wasn't supposed
to be that sexy.

Steve, what you just did on
the dance floor with your mom...

Yeah?

...is exactly why I want
to have a son one day!

I always knew
you had talent.

It just took
a complete stranger

making the smallest effort
to unlock it.

Sister!
Oh, my god!

What do we do?

Listen, everything will be okay
if we act fast.

I'm going in after her.

Stan, go tell the captain
to stop at once.

Steve, offer your coat
to the girl.

The girl, accept it,
and give Steve a kiss.

Bye-by-y-y-y-e!

Mwah!

Iceberg...

Lettuce is the crunchiest
lettuce!

Gimme those binoculars.

That was a quick deliberation.

But cuttin' our lunch
break short must mean

they can't wait
to give us the good news.

This can't be happening.

The jury finds
Francine Smith...

Oh, thank god...
Guilty.

Okay,
let's wrap this up.

Mr. Dickle, pick a number
between one and four.

Four!
Perfect.

I hereby sentence Ms. Smith
to four life sentences.

I just assumed you'd find a way
out of this like you always do.

Yeah, me, too.

But you didn't.

Oh, my god.

It's just hitting me
what happened here.

I really have lost
my edge.

I'm nothing but
a washed-up fool now.

Life comes at you fast.

One minute, you're on top
of the world,

and the next you're explaining

what just happened
to nobody in the kitchen.

Boy, I tell ya, the Internet
is a wonderful place.

Everybody
is so supportive.

Whoa, you look terrible.

Get used to it.
This is the new me.

The washed-up me.

The me who doesn't have
his edge anymore.

What happened?

Francine went to prison
for kidnapping some little girl.

Oh, damn,
you lost that case?

Yep. The old me would've
weaseled her out of it,

but she's in prison now
'cause I blew it.

A tragic ending
for ol' rog.

You guys,
the cruise was awesome.

I should've died!

And I got robbed by
a 30-year-old Romanian stowaway

pretending to be
a teenage girl.

But guess who
got a kiss first.

You look like hell.
Get cleaned up,

And we'll drive to court
together.

Mm, we lost.

She's in prison forever.

- What?!
- Oh, my god!

Roger, I have decided
to hurt you.

You must be
uncle Roger.

Why don't we go
to the living room,

and I can hear your side
of the story?

Stan, listen.
I have an idea.

I got the mail every day
you were gone,

So I think I should get
extra allowance this week.

That's your idea?

Ple-e-e-ase!

And now
Francine's in prison,

and it's all because
I lost my edge.

I'm washed up.
I'm done.

Listen to yourself.

Your friend's locked up,
and all I hear is, "I, I, I."

Wow.
You missed a ton of what I said.

The best way to get back
on track is to forget

about the "I's"
and focus on others.

You know, that actually
makes a lot of sense.

But where do I...
Sorry, where do me begin?

Well, for starters, have you
even visited Francine yet?

No. We're going to
visit her right now.

I'll gather the others.
Love it.

Would follow you to the end
of the earth.

One quick question...
Who are you?

- Mom!
- It's so good to see you.

My girl.

Who the hell is that?

That's Isabella.

She played you in
a TV reenactment.

And in the cruise
we took without you.

She's awesome.

And, most importantly,
she showed me how selfish I've been.

If I wasn't so concerned about
proving I still had my edge,

There's a chance
you wouldn't be in here.

A chance?

A very good chance.

Francine, Isabella taught me
something special...

How valuable
helping others can be.

So with that said...

H-h-how did I
get in this?

What's going on?

Time's up.
Come on.

No!
I didn't do anything!

I'm not supposed
to be here!

Listen to all those "I's."

Focus on
how selfless it is

to do four life sentences
for someone.

We got to
get out of here.

Did you see that?

I just imprisoned
an innocent woman

and freed
a convicted child abductor.

How's that for edgy?

Couldn't we have solved this
without anybody going to prison?

That woman saved my life.

We could have, but then you
wouldn't have gotten to go

On your precious cruise.

Yes, I would...
with mom.

But then who would've
saved your life?

Whoa.

Roger, if I didn't have
this seatbelt on,

I'd punch you
right in the face.

No.
Thank you, Francine.

You were right.
I'd gotten complacent,

And I needed your little push
to get back on track.

And, boy, am I back.

You wanted
interesting characters?

Toga Gomez, Nascar vampire.

Jenna diarrhea-Evans,
heiress to the diarrhea fortune.

Gord gullmax,
Michael Jackson apologist.

Lieutenant wingz,
enormous mosquito.

Wow.

I can't believe mom almost spent
the rest of her life in prison

because she said
Roger lost his edge.

Geez.
Talk about overly sensitive.

Okay, Roger!
I'm sorry!

You're not sensitive!

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're just telling me
what I want to hear

because you're desperate.

No shit I'm desperate!

- You sweared.
- Aah!

Bye!
Have a beautiful time!