American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 20 - Cry Baby - full transcript
When Stan realizes he can't cry, he asks Steve to teach him empathy.
And that's when I
realized I didn't like.
The taste of ratatouille.
But I did like the taste of rat!
Oh, man, I love the c.I.A.!
Name another job
where you sit around.
With your friends and
just laugh all day!
Can it, chuckle buddies!
I need someone who
can cry for a mission,
So we're having
a crying contest!
Why do we need to
cry on a mission?
One of you will go undercover
to an enemy operative's funeral,
Act sad, and seduce
his widow to get intel.
What kind of intel, sir?
State secrets,
bolognese recipes.
I'm just hungry for info!
My mom makes a
pretty good sauce.
Great! Seduce her
and get the recipe.
On it!
Cry? A baby could do that.
Then prove it, smith!
Everyone, think sad thoughts!
Lost pets.
Dead birds.
Being too short to go
on mr. Toad's wild ride.
Oh, god, I'm close.
Come on!
No one leaves until I see
one of you big men cry.
Hooper, shoot me in the leg.
I always cry when I get shot.
Oh, yeah, here come
the waterworks!
Yes, jackson!
Real tears!
Huzzah and shazam!
With this leather jacket,
I hereby name you...
Agent cry baby.
I did it, sir!
This isn't a recipe
for bolognese.
It's a slice of bologna!
This is useless to me!
I hope you pleased your
mother more than me.
Aah!
Carol, grab a seat.
I'll get you a yogurt.
Morning, everyone!
Steve, are you
banging an old lady?
What? No! This is carol.
She's from the best
boy award committee.
The best buy best boy award?!
Handed out every year to the
best boy in the best country.
As determined by the
best company, best buy?!
With almost the best prices?
Yep! I'm one of two finalists.
Carol is my official
best boy observer.
Her report is the
final determination.
Before the award is
presented next weekend.
My boy the best boy as
determined by best buy!
Carol, help me set my sky-high
expectations even higher.
Does he have a chance?
Per best buy rules,
Observers are not
allowed to comment.
But I will say this...
He's basically a lock!
Actually, I kind of hope I lose.
Why?
The other finalist is
this kid brett robert.
He's come in second
the last three years.
Imagine how it would feel to
get that close and not win.
I have a lot of empathy for him.
Explain. Explain empathy?
Please. Have you ever looked
at someone and felt like.
You understood exactly what
they were going through?
Yes. Olympic athletes.
But only when they win gold.
Say you were watching
the olympics.
And someone broke their
leg and couldn't finish.
Maybe you'd feel
their disappointment.
Like it was your own?
That's empathy.
Gross.
To the concept and
the broken leg.
I'm picturing a
compound fracture.
With the bone sticking out.
Ew, with lots of blood?
Stop being gross, steve.
It's just brett
robert is a great boy.
A-a-and he'll be so hurt
if... If he doesn't...
Wait, empathy is crying?
I need to do that for work!
Steve, teach me how to empathy!
Okay, I guess.
Teaching his father empathy?!
I wish I was allowed
to share my feelings.
About this perfect boy!
But I swore an oath to
the ceo of best buy.
On a dvd three-pack
of "die hard,"
"little women,"
and "the natural."
You wanted to see
me, roger? Yes.
As you know, last year was
a disaster for my business.
Your fruit leather belt company?
No, no, that's thriving.
I'm talking about my
air-conditioning business.
Last summer, I got
a little careless.
Damaged some property.
I need your help typing up a
letter to win my clients back.
I can't touch the keyboard.
My hands are too
sticky with belt fruit.
Sit down.
Okay, "dear hvac customers.
If you're reading this,
I'm already dead."
No, that's too much.
Here's a hypothetical.
What would happen if I quit?
Then brett would have
to be best boy, right?
Wow!
If you quit so
another boy could win,
You'd be guaranteed to win!
Oh, my god, this boy.
I've seen all I
need!
Good luck teaching stan empathy!
Okay, I'm ready for
my crying lessons.
Do I scrunch my face
like this, or...?
You're not here to
learn how to cry, dad.
You're here to learn empathy.
We already know you can't
empathize with strangers.
I thought we'd see if you could
empathize with someone you know.
And you know one
very sad person.
Why would I feel bad for dick?
Well, we've been talking about.
How pathetic he is
for five minutes,
And he's pretending
he can't hear us.
I'm just happy for the company.
My girlfriend turned
out to be a catfish.
Not an mtv catfish.
A literal catfish, stan.
He's dating a fish.
That doesn't break your
heart even a little?
I'm sarah mclachlan,
And you can save these
animals from abusers.
All those poor puppies?
Nothing?! Nothing.
This song is a
banger, by the way.
I could to this.
Okay, I want to
unlock your empathy,
But I don't think I can.
Maybe we should try a doctor.
But which one? We know so many.
We do know a lot of
different doctors.
But I'm thinking
we start with...
It's a very quick fix.
I'll simply need to stimulate
your super marginal gyrus!
Please mark your
forehead for the drill.
I'm thinkin' we try
a different doctor.
stay
still, you wiggle worm!
Sorry, dr. Ray is
out dead today.
Do you know when he'll be alive?
Hmm, no.
Do we know more doctors?
"Do we know more doctors?"
Listen to this guy!
There was nothing
funny about that guy.
Weird one to end on.
Ugh. We need a new doctor.
Did you say new doctor?
The world is a
pretty cool place.
New e-mail!
Drop everything!
It's from that awful
air-conditioning guy
I used last year.
"Dear hvac customer."
Hey, that's me!
"I was inspired to write
this after a difficult run."
For my business last summer.
Why was it so difficult?
Maybe it was my attitude,
maybe it was yours.
Maybe it was the fact.
That I put my foot
through some ceilings.
"But I always fixed it."
"and now I know
what I need to do.
To win back your business."
Free repair? "an overly
personal e-mail."
Even better!
So, new doctor, what
kind of doctor are you?
No specialty! I can
take your temperature.
I can do cpr.
Oh! And I've got a knee knocker!
Want me to give 'em a knock?
See if they kick? No thanks.
We're actually trying to help
my dad access his empathy.
Mm, yes, I think I can help.
I'm trained in something called.
Rapid eye movement therapy.
I wave my hand around,
your dad watches and voilà!
Okay.
Here it is!
Empathy.
That's a left, a left,
a right, a left...
Down, up, loop-de-loop,
and up and down.
One more loop and a hang loose!
Knee knock!
Oh, my god, it's working!
But why are you crying?
It's just the end of "cars 2."
I finally get it.
The cars, they love each other!
There I am, surrounded
by the enemy.
If I don't cry, I'm dead.
What'd you do, cry baby?
Just squoze out one
of these bad boys.
Oh! Wow!
You're such a good crier, dude.
Jackson! I challenge
you to a cry-off!
Oh, goodie!
There's nothing I love more.
Than men with wet, wet faces!
cry at him, j-bird!
Show him how real
men cry, jackson!
Am I the only one
rooting for stan?
Enough playing around.
Hey, dick, how's your love life?
Not great, stan. I'm
dating another catfish.
I gotta stop
going to the river.
Dick, that's so...
Sa-sasa-sad!
Hoorah! Yes!
You win, stan.
She's yours now.
Jackson, are you okay?
Just a little bummed.
I liked being agent cry baby.
I won.
Why do I feel sad?
Steve, I smoked
jackson in the cry-off!
Check it out!
But then something
weird happened.
Jackson was upset.
And now I'm upset just
thinking about it!
That's good, dad.
That's empathy.
But I wanna cry and be
happy, not cry and be sad.
Listen, why don't we go get
you a nice piece of fish?
Maybe take your mind off it.
Something's going on with stan.
uh, dad?
Is the salmon okay?
Are you kidding me?!
This is the best salmon
I've had in my life!
Oh, god, I can taste the sea!
Okay, you're a little emotional.
Let's take a walk,
See if we can get you to
stop crying at everything.
Can I take the rest to go?
I don't want the chef to
think I didn't like it.
What are we doing here?
I think I made a mistake.
That must feel awful!
Thank god.
Please tell me you have a
way to take away empathy.
My dad can't handle
being like this.
Of course I do.
I call it a reverso.
They're like half my business.
I really shouldn't be
messing with the human mind.
I don't understand it.
Roger: "hvac. What does it mean?
Heating versus air conditioning,
The battle we are all fighting.
But the battle I'm fighting
is with my ex-wife, regina.
If that is her real name.
Which I think it probably is.
She was nothing if not honest.
She left me when I was 29,
and she took our kids...
Socks, sir kittens,
beezus, and garbanzo.
That's right. Our
kids have cats' names.
Now that I'm back to normal,
This salmon is not
that great, huh?
Glad you're feeling better.
And just in time.
For the best boy
award this weekend!
That's this weekend?!
I totally forgot about that!
I think we all kind
of lost track of it.
But now we remember.
And so do you.
Steve, I gotta ask.
The empathy.
Is that how you
feel all the time?
Uh... Kind of.
And the way I felt
bad for jackson,
That's the way you'll feel
for brett robert if you win?
Pretty much. I don't want
you to go through that.
You know what? I'm gonna
do you a huge favor.
It's okay. I'm his father.
Do him, too.
Steve, now that
you're empathy-free,
Are you gonna be able
to wholeheartedly.
Enjoy dominating that
nerd brett robert?
Hell, yeah, thanks to you!
I can't wait to see that
dork's face when I win.
I love that you don't
feel bad for him.
You're bad to the bone now!
Hey, steve, I have
some bad news.
Brett robert's observation
went very poorly.
He gave $5 to a homeless man,
But when I asked for $5
to buy some whip-its,
He said he was "all out." hmm.
Sorry, you're
definitely gonna win.
That's great news.
Steve? I'm brett robert.
Nice to meet you.
I hear I have my
work cut out for me.
I'll say.
Just wanted to
wish you good luck.
I'd wish you good luck,
But it won't make a
difference, brent.
Ha! Yes! That's not his name.
Hey, brent, here's a
little preview of tonight.
It's what you're gonna see.
As I walk up to the podium
to accept the award.
Watch where I'm going!
trash talk?!
What happened to
my beautiful boy?
Wait, he must be faking!
Oh, he's not faking.
Yep, I got under his hood
and made a few tweaks.
Now that engine is humming
along empathy-free.
Why would you do that?!
The real question is,
"why would I tell you?"
And the answer is I
have mercury poisoning.
Because I pretended to
smoke a thermometer.
Like a cigarette,
but the end was open.
"look, I can't fix your life
any more than I can fix mine."
But I can fix your a/c.
And I can fix your ceiling
if I put my foot through it,
Which I won't this time.
Can you respect that?
"I love you."
Wow.
57,000 words and every
single one misspelled.
That's how you get
your customers back.
I'm glad we got here so early.
There's nothing that beats
shrimp in a carpeted hotel lobby.
Without a kitchen in sight.
Everyone checking in,
smelling my shrimp.
Oh, lookie here! Brent!
Sit down!
Uh, okay.
You look nervous, b.
You nervous about tonight?
You're not gonna win.
I'm the one who
should be nervous.
I'm about to be best boy.
Alright, I'm bored.
I'm gonna hit the steam
room then watch some videos.
Of fat people falling down.
Hey, brett, would you mind
covering your ears for a second?
No problem!
Carol, I couldn't
help but notice.
That you haven't said what a
great boy steve is in a while.
That's because he's awful!
I have to tell the committee.
That there's no way
he can be best boy.
No, wait!
There's got to be
something I can do!
You're welcome to sleep with me,
but it won't change anything.
Then why would I...?
Whatever.
You can listen now.
Brett, do you ever feel like.
You really messed up with steve?
Um, no?
I was trying to make him better,
But somehow, I feel
like I made him worse.
Well, if steve's as
good as they say,
Maybe you can remind
him who he really is.
Sure, but who is he?
He's the type of guy who
feels bad for losers like you.
I know exactly
how to remind him!
You're not gonna like it.
But I know exactly how!
Hey.
I have a mission for
the real agent cry baby.
I've been waiting for
this my whole three days!
Thanks for reading my e-mail
and giving me a second chance.
Whaddya say we rip
off the band-aid.
And start in the attic?
Just please be
careful. Don't worry.
I'll keep it to the studs.
Now, which ones are the studs?
That doesn't count. That
hole looked like a stud!
Careful, jeff, looks
like the studs.
Are reversed in this section.
There's no a/c unit in here.
Jeff, we gotta get outta
here before tuttle notices.
Run!
Aah! These studs
are thin as hell!
Jeff, fire up your e-mail!
We got a customer to win back!
And now to present this
year's best boy award,
Five-time best boy and best
buy fanatic... robert wuhl!
Good evening.
What does it mean
to be best boy?
well,
to me it means...
Steve, I just want
to say, I'm sorry.
And don't worry, I have
a plan to fix everything.
And that's what being
best boy is all about.
And so, without any further ado,
This year's best boy is...
Brett robert!
What the hell?!
First, I'd like to
say, steve smith,
You deserve this
just... Jackson: Wait!
That's no best boy!
Last night, brett
robert came to my house.
And pushed my
grandpa off the roof!
Worst part is, gramps wasn't
on the roof to begin with.
He lured him up
there with licorice!
How do we know you're
telling the truth?!
I have all the proof
I need right here!
A tear!
He speaks true!
Brett robert cannot be best boy!
But it's not true.
I... oh, god!
I've lost everything!
Gotta feel a little bad
for brett here, huh?
Who cares about him?!
He loses, I win!
You're a genius! No!
That's not why I
ruined his life!
I did it so you'd feel bad for
him and remember who you are!
But you're trapped in there.
And the only way
to bring you back.
Is the indiana jones technique.
The indiana jones tech...?
Wake up, indy!
Stop! I'm faking!
Faking? Yes!
I wanted brett to
win the whole time,
And when you brought
me to the new doctor,
I realized I could
pretend to be bad.
And carol would believe it.
So you were fake gloating?
I was hoping carol would
see me being a jerk.
And give it to brett.
Carol, is this
true? I don't know.
But after hearing
this, I do know.
Who the true best boy is...
Stan smith!
What?! No!
I-I mean, I'm honored,
but give it to brett.
No, stan.
When you burned your
son with that torch,
That's when I knew
you were special.
Besides, I don't
know how you knew,
But I do like pushing
old people off roofs.
It's fun. And I'm
not gonna stop.
Don't you see, dad?
You tried to take away
my empathy to protect me.
And then you tried
to give it back.
Also to protect me.
And that is what truly
makes a best boy.
Then I am the best boy!
And here's your prize.
A dvd three-pack of "wildcats,"
John grisham's "the client,"
and "a beautiful mind."
I-I'm sorry, what connects
those three movies?
The packaging!
But there's one thing
I don't understand.
Why didn't the doctor's hand-
movement therapy work on you?
I think maybe it was because
I was still unconscious.
From you clobbering
me with that plate.
Ohh, that's why she
said it wouldn't work.
I... I thought she just
had the new-doctor jitters.
What is going on with stan?
Have a great night!
realized I didn't like.
The taste of ratatouille.
But I did like the taste of rat!
Oh, man, I love the c.I.A.!
Name another job
where you sit around.
With your friends and
just laugh all day!
Can it, chuckle buddies!
I need someone who
can cry for a mission,
So we're having
a crying contest!
Why do we need to
cry on a mission?
One of you will go undercover
to an enemy operative's funeral,
Act sad, and seduce
his widow to get intel.
What kind of intel, sir?
State secrets,
bolognese recipes.
I'm just hungry for info!
My mom makes a
pretty good sauce.
Great! Seduce her
and get the recipe.
On it!
Cry? A baby could do that.
Then prove it, smith!
Everyone, think sad thoughts!
Lost pets.
Dead birds.
Being too short to go
on mr. Toad's wild ride.
Oh, god, I'm close.
Come on!
No one leaves until I see
one of you big men cry.
Hooper, shoot me in the leg.
I always cry when I get shot.
Oh, yeah, here come
the waterworks!
Yes, jackson!
Real tears!
Huzzah and shazam!
With this leather jacket,
I hereby name you...
Agent cry baby.
I did it, sir!
This isn't a recipe
for bolognese.
It's a slice of bologna!
This is useless to me!
I hope you pleased your
mother more than me.
Aah!
Carol, grab a seat.
I'll get you a yogurt.
Morning, everyone!
Steve, are you
banging an old lady?
What? No! This is carol.
She's from the best
boy award committee.
The best buy best boy award?!
Handed out every year to the
best boy in the best country.
As determined by the
best company, best buy?!
With almost the best prices?
Yep! I'm one of two finalists.
Carol is my official
best boy observer.
Her report is the
final determination.
Before the award is
presented next weekend.
My boy the best boy as
determined by best buy!
Carol, help me set my sky-high
expectations even higher.
Does he have a chance?
Per best buy rules,
Observers are not
allowed to comment.
But I will say this...
He's basically a lock!
Actually, I kind of hope I lose.
Why?
The other finalist is
this kid brett robert.
He's come in second
the last three years.
Imagine how it would feel to
get that close and not win.
I have a lot of empathy for him.
Explain. Explain empathy?
Please. Have you ever looked
at someone and felt like.
You understood exactly what
they were going through?
Yes. Olympic athletes.
But only when they win gold.
Say you were watching
the olympics.
And someone broke their
leg and couldn't finish.
Maybe you'd feel
their disappointment.
Like it was your own?
That's empathy.
Gross.
To the concept and
the broken leg.
I'm picturing a
compound fracture.
With the bone sticking out.
Ew, with lots of blood?
Stop being gross, steve.
It's just brett
robert is a great boy.
A-a-and he'll be so hurt
if... If he doesn't...
Wait, empathy is crying?
I need to do that for work!
Steve, teach me how to empathy!
Okay, I guess.
Teaching his father empathy?!
I wish I was allowed
to share my feelings.
About this perfect boy!
But I swore an oath to
the ceo of best buy.
On a dvd three-pack
of "die hard,"
"little women,"
and "the natural."
You wanted to see
me, roger? Yes.
As you know, last year was
a disaster for my business.
Your fruit leather belt company?
No, no, that's thriving.
I'm talking about my
air-conditioning business.
Last summer, I got
a little careless.
Damaged some property.
I need your help typing up a
letter to win my clients back.
I can't touch the keyboard.
My hands are too
sticky with belt fruit.
Sit down.
Okay, "dear hvac customers.
If you're reading this,
I'm already dead."
No, that's too much.
Here's a hypothetical.
What would happen if I quit?
Then brett would have
to be best boy, right?
Wow!
If you quit so
another boy could win,
You'd be guaranteed to win!
Oh, my god, this boy.
I've seen all I
need!
Good luck teaching stan empathy!
Okay, I'm ready for
my crying lessons.
Do I scrunch my face
like this, or...?
You're not here to
learn how to cry, dad.
You're here to learn empathy.
We already know you can't
empathize with strangers.
I thought we'd see if you could
empathize with someone you know.
And you know one
very sad person.
Why would I feel bad for dick?
Well, we've been talking about.
How pathetic he is
for five minutes,
And he's pretending
he can't hear us.
I'm just happy for the company.
My girlfriend turned
out to be a catfish.
Not an mtv catfish.
A literal catfish, stan.
He's dating a fish.
That doesn't break your
heart even a little?
I'm sarah mclachlan,
And you can save these
animals from abusers.
All those poor puppies?
Nothing?! Nothing.
This song is a
banger, by the way.
I could to this.
Okay, I want to
unlock your empathy,
But I don't think I can.
Maybe we should try a doctor.
But which one? We know so many.
We do know a lot of
different doctors.
But I'm thinking
we start with...
It's a very quick fix.
I'll simply need to stimulate
your super marginal gyrus!
Please mark your
forehead for the drill.
I'm thinkin' we try
a different doctor.
stay
still, you wiggle worm!
Sorry, dr. Ray is
out dead today.
Do you know when he'll be alive?
Hmm, no.
Do we know more doctors?
"Do we know more doctors?"
Listen to this guy!
There was nothing
funny about that guy.
Weird one to end on.
Ugh. We need a new doctor.
Did you say new doctor?
The world is a
pretty cool place.
New e-mail!
Drop everything!
It's from that awful
air-conditioning guy
I used last year.
"Dear hvac customer."
Hey, that's me!
"I was inspired to write
this after a difficult run."
For my business last summer.
Why was it so difficult?
Maybe it was my attitude,
maybe it was yours.
Maybe it was the fact.
That I put my foot
through some ceilings.
"But I always fixed it."
"and now I know
what I need to do.
To win back your business."
Free repair? "an overly
personal e-mail."
Even better!
So, new doctor, what
kind of doctor are you?
No specialty! I can
take your temperature.
I can do cpr.
Oh! And I've got a knee knocker!
Want me to give 'em a knock?
See if they kick? No thanks.
We're actually trying to help
my dad access his empathy.
Mm, yes, I think I can help.
I'm trained in something called.
Rapid eye movement therapy.
I wave my hand around,
your dad watches and voilà!
Okay.
Here it is!
Empathy.
That's a left, a left,
a right, a left...
Down, up, loop-de-loop,
and up and down.
One more loop and a hang loose!
Knee knock!
Oh, my god, it's working!
But why are you crying?
It's just the end of "cars 2."
I finally get it.
The cars, they love each other!
There I am, surrounded
by the enemy.
If I don't cry, I'm dead.
What'd you do, cry baby?
Just squoze out one
of these bad boys.
Oh! Wow!
You're such a good crier, dude.
Jackson! I challenge
you to a cry-off!
Oh, goodie!
There's nothing I love more.
Than men with wet, wet faces!
cry at him, j-bird!
Show him how real
men cry, jackson!
Am I the only one
rooting for stan?
Enough playing around.
Hey, dick, how's your love life?
Not great, stan. I'm
dating another catfish.
I gotta stop
going to the river.
Dick, that's so...
Sa-sasa-sad!
Hoorah! Yes!
You win, stan.
She's yours now.
Jackson, are you okay?
Just a little bummed.
I liked being agent cry baby.
I won.
Why do I feel sad?
Steve, I smoked
jackson in the cry-off!
Check it out!
But then something
weird happened.
Jackson was upset.
And now I'm upset just
thinking about it!
That's good, dad.
That's empathy.
But I wanna cry and be
happy, not cry and be sad.
Listen, why don't we go get
you a nice piece of fish?
Maybe take your mind off it.
Something's going on with stan.
uh, dad?
Is the salmon okay?
Are you kidding me?!
This is the best salmon
I've had in my life!
Oh, god, I can taste the sea!
Okay, you're a little emotional.
Let's take a walk,
See if we can get you to
stop crying at everything.
Can I take the rest to go?
I don't want the chef to
think I didn't like it.
What are we doing here?
I think I made a mistake.
That must feel awful!
Thank god.
Please tell me you have a
way to take away empathy.
My dad can't handle
being like this.
Of course I do.
I call it a reverso.
They're like half my business.
I really shouldn't be
messing with the human mind.
I don't understand it.
Roger: "hvac. What does it mean?
Heating versus air conditioning,
The battle we are all fighting.
But the battle I'm fighting
is with my ex-wife, regina.
If that is her real name.
Which I think it probably is.
She was nothing if not honest.
She left me when I was 29,
and she took our kids...
Socks, sir kittens,
beezus, and garbanzo.
That's right. Our
kids have cats' names.
Now that I'm back to normal,
This salmon is not
that great, huh?
Glad you're feeling better.
And just in time.
For the best boy
award this weekend!
That's this weekend?!
I totally forgot about that!
I think we all kind
of lost track of it.
But now we remember.
And so do you.
Steve, I gotta ask.
The empathy.
Is that how you
feel all the time?
Uh... Kind of.
And the way I felt
bad for jackson,
That's the way you'll feel
for brett robert if you win?
Pretty much. I don't want
you to go through that.
You know what? I'm gonna
do you a huge favor.
It's okay. I'm his father.
Do him, too.
Steve, now that
you're empathy-free,
Are you gonna be able
to wholeheartedly.
Enjoy dominating that
nerd brett robert?
Hell, yeah, thanks to you!
I can't wait to see that
dork's face when I win.
I love that you don't
feel bad for him.
You're bad to the bone now!
Hey, steve, I have
some bad news.
Brett robert's observation
went very poorly.
He gave $5 to a homeless man,
But when I asked for $5
to buy some whip-its,
He said he was "all out." hmm.
Sorry, you're
definitely gonna win.
That's great news.
Steve? I'm brett robert.
Nice to meet you.
I hear I have my
work cut out for me.
I'll say.
Just wanted to
wish you good luck.
I'd wish you good luck,
But it won't make a
difference, brent.
Ha! Yes! That's not his name.
Hey, brent, here's a
little preview of tonight.
It's what you're gonna see.
As I walk up to the podium
to accept the award.
Watch where I'm going!
trash talk?!
What happened to
my beautiful boy?
Wait, he must be faking!
Oh, he's not faking.
Yep, I got under his hood
and made a few tweaks.
Now that engine is humming
along empathy-free.
Why would you do that?!
The real question is,
"why would I tell you?"
And the answer is I
have mercury poisoning.
Because I pretended to
smoke a thermometer.
Like a cigarette,
but the end was open.
"look, I can't fix your life
any more than I can fix mine."
But I can fix your a/c.
And I can fix your ceiling
if I put my foot through it,
Which I won't this time.
Can you respect that?
"I love you."
Wow.
57,000 words and every
single one misspelled.
That's how you get
your customers back.
I'm glad we got here so early.
There's nothing that beats
shrimp in a carpeted hotel lobby.
Without a kitchen in sight.
Everyone checking in,
smelling my shrimp.
Oh, lookie here! Brent!
Sit down!
Uh, okay.
You look nervous, b.
You nervous about tonight?
You're not gonna win.
I'm the one who
should be nervous.
I'm about to be best boy.
Alright, I'm bored.
I'm gonna hit the steam
room then watch some videos.
Of fat people falling down.
Hey, brett, would you mind
covering your ears for a second?
No problem!
Carol, I couldn't
help but notice.
That you haven't said what a
great boy steve is in a while.
That's because he's awful!
I have to tell the committee.
That there's no way
he can be best boy.
No, wait!
There's got to be
something I can do!
You're welcome to sleep with me,
but it won't change anything.
Then why would I...?
Whatever.
You can listen now.
Brett, do you ever feel like.
You really messed up with steve?
Um, no?
I was trying to make him better,
But somehow, I feel
like I made him worse.
Well, if steve's as
good as they say,
Maybe you can remind
him who he really is.
Sure, but who is he?
He's the type of guy who
feels bad for losers like you.
I know exactly
how to remind him!
You're not gonna like it.
But I know exactly how!
Hey.
I have a mission for
the real agent cry baby.
I've been waiting for
this my whole three days!
Thanks for reading my e-mail
and giving me a second chance.
Whaddya say we rip
off the band-aid.
And start in the attic?
Just please be
careful. Don't worry.
I'll keep it to the studs.
Now, which ones are the studs?
That doesn't count. That
hole looked like a stud!
Careful, jeff, looks
like the studs.
Are reversed in this section.
There's no a/c unit in here.
Jeff, we gotta get outta
here before tuttle notices.
Run!
Aah! These studs
are thin as hell!
Jeff, fire up your e-mail!
We got a customer to win back!
And now to present this
year's best boy award,
Five-time best boy and best
buy fanatic... robert wuhl!
Good evening.
What does it mean
to be best boy?
well,
to me it means...
Steve, I just want
to say, I'm sorry.
And don't worry, I have
a plan to fix everything.
And that's what being
best boy is all about.
And so, without any further ado,
This year's best boy is...
Brett robert!
What the hell?!
First, I'd like to
say, steve smith,
You deserve this
just... Jackson: Wait!
That's no best boy!
Last night, brett
robert came to my house.
And pushed my
grandpa off the roof!
Worst part is, gramps wasn't
on the roof to begin with.
He lured him up
there with licorice!
How do we know you're
telling the truth?!
I have all the proof
I need right here!
A tear!
He speaks true!
Brett robert cannot be best boy!
But it's not true.
I... oh, god!
I've lost everything!
Gotta feel a little bad
for brett here, huh?
Who cares about him?!
He loses, I win!
You're a genius! No!
That's not why I
ruined his life!
I did it so you'd feel bad for
him and remember who you are!
But you're trapped in there.
And the only way
to bring you back.
Is the indiana jones technique.
The indiana jones tech...?
Wake up, indy!
Stop! I'm faking!
Faking? Yes!
I wanted brett to
win the whole time,
And when you brought
me to the new doctor,
I realized I could
pretend to be bad.
And carol would believe it.
So you were fake gloating?
I was hoping carol would
see me being a jerk.
And give it to brett.
Carol, is this
true? I don't know.
But after hearing
this, I do know.
Who the true best boy is...
Stan smith!
What?! No!
I-I mean, I'm honored,
but give it to brett.
No, stan.
When you burned your
son with that torch,
That's when I knew
you were special.
Besides, I don't
know how you knew,
But I do like pushing
old people off roofs.
It's fun. And I'm
not gonna stop.
Don't you see, dad?
You tried to take away
my empathy to protect me.
And then you tried
to give it back.
Also to protect me.
And that is what truly
makes a best boy.
Then I am the best boy!
And here's your prize.
A dvd three-pack of "wildcats,"
John grisham's "the client,"
and "a beautiful mind."
I-I'm sorry, what connects
those three movies?
The packaging!
But there's one thing
I don't understand.
Why didn't the doctor's hand-
movement therapy work on you?
I think maybe it was because
I was still unconscious.
From you clobbering
me with that plate.
Ohh, that's why she
said it wouldn't work.
I... I thought she just
had the new-doctor jitters.
What is going on with stan?
Have a great night!