American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 21 - Crystal Clear - full transcript
Stan gets in over his head trying to impress Toshi's dad; Klaus and Jeff head to the country for a weekend getaway.
Thanks again for
having us over, guys.
Your home is beautiful! They
could shoot pornos here!
They have.
This b-b-q is the
least we can do.
Your son defended
toshi's honor at school!
Oh, it was nothing.
Anyone could've helped him
vandalize that lunch lady's car.
Oh! Oh, toshi,
one of these days,
You'll have to
teach me japanese.
Hideki, my man, I gotta
say I'm lovin' it here!
Your house is gigantic, your
pool is dangerously deep,
And I like how you're wearing
dress shoes and socks.
With your speedo. Powerful look.
Gonna run to the bathroom.
So you know, this is a
massive sign of respect.
I usually just go in
the pool, even at home.
Especially at home.
When I'm not swimming.
Where's the bathroom? They
have to dump somewhere.
Unless I was supposed
to go in the pool.
Hideki's got an archery range?!
Hideki: Stan, are you
pooping or snooping?
- I would, too.
We have a lot of great stuff!
That's our weekend kitchen...
This room's just an insanely
soft rug to stand barefoot on.
While you listen to
the indigo girls.
And triangle room.
But you have a triangular room.
Why didn't you put your
triangles in there?
Oh, stan!
You have truly created comedy.
Thank you.
You know, a lot of people
don't get my comedy.
For instance, me right now.
Aah!
Damn, someone's blowing up.
Uh, think that's you, jeff.
"Yo, doggy, wanna join me.
For a one-on-one guys'
weekend out in the country?
Peace, love, and
titties, klaus."
Um...
Why don't we have a
house like hideki's?!
This place sucks
compared to theirs!
I think it's perfect here, dad!
I'm just grateful for
everything we have.
Then you're a fool, steve.
I don't even wanna
think about what hideki.
Would say about this dump.
Well, you're gonna find out.
I invited him over for
dinner this weekend.
You did what?! Hideki
can't come here.
He'll think I'm a loser! Aah!
And look at this wall! This
place is falling apart!
How could you do this to me?!
Mother, which day are
the yoshidas coming?
You see, traditionally, I
take a Sunday stroll, and I...
We all know about your
precious Sunday strolls.
Don't worry. It's Saturday.
Y-e-es!
I'm sorry we got
interrupted by...
Whatever all that was.
Think over my offer, jeff.
I'll be in my alcove.
I think you know where it is.
I don't know what to do, babe.
Things tend to get
weird when I hang out.
With mr. Klaus unsupervised.
But it'll be really weird if
you tell him you can't go.
He knows you have
nothing going on.
- Everyone knows.
- They do?
That's... Flattering!
I'm so screwed!
Hideki's like the
coolest guy I know.
I can't entertain
him in this shitbox!
But this is an easy fix.
Just go buy some new stuff.
With what money? I'm barely
keeping my head above water.
No, dummy, not real money.
Throw it on a credit card!
That's the beauty of credit.
You buy now, you pay later.
Or maybe never!
I wish I could, but the
credit-card companies.
Froze me out after I maxed
out 12 cards last summer.
Trying to cut my teeth
on the funny car circuit.
Oh. Well, then, yeah,
Hideki's gonna laugh
at your clown ass.
Thank you! You get
it. No one else does.
I got steve down there telling
me everything's "perfect".
When it clearly isn't.
- Such a dick.
- Such a dick.
Easy for him to talk.
He's never had to deal with
financial responsibility.
Right? He's never had to
pay off three credit cards.
With seven other credit
cards. He's never had one.
Just letting his virgin credit
sit there like a lazy bum.
And it's that dick's
fault you're in this jam.
He's toshi's friend.
You're right. Come on.
- We're going to the airport.
- Airport?
Seems odd, but
I'm with ya, stan.
Think we'll see any
luggage while we're there?
Sorry. I got held
up at security.
That was expensive tea, and I
wasn't just gonna throw it away.
So, why are we here anyway?
For this.
I thought you couldn't
get credit cards anymore?
I can't. Hi. I'd like to sign
up for a teen credit card.
- My name is steve smith.
- Whoa.
Hijacking your son's
credit? Love it!
Hey, did you buy
two boarding passes.
Just to come get a
credit card here?
You know you can do
it online, right?
You can? Oh, my god, I'm ruined!
This is working great!
Why doesn't everyone steal
their son's identity?
Because instagram makes
people feel like they.
Have to be "good" parents.
So, what do ya think?
Grab a couple lava lamps.
And a fat stack of mad
magazines for the coffee table,
- Call it a day?
- Stan, hideki's fancy.
You need to deck your
place out classy.
If you want to impress
a guy like him.
Y-yes, yes, of course. Like how?
Well, nothing screams
"I'm a cool rich guy".
Like art and crystals.
And, to be honest, crystals are
just a good investment anyway.
They're not just beautiful.
They channel energy,
have healing properties.
They're really magnificent
little objects.
You clearly have
a handle on this.
You stay here and buy whatever's
going to impress hideki.
I'm gonna head back and get
started on the dinner menu.
I'm thinkin' we
scampi everything.
Great. But before you go,
watch this cool prank.
- Hey!
- Aah! I got caught!
I'm sorry. We got off
on the wrong foot.
I'm roger. How 'bout
I buy you a fresh dog?
Klaus: I get up to lake
wittenberg every summer.
It's so sick. You'll see.
And this is the pig
pen bar & grille.
Had some good nights at the
pen with perry and the boys.
My local crew,
we're like brothers.
Unfortunately, he's
away this weekend.
But we'll still kill it.
This place is quaint as hell.
This house is only 400k.
You know, jeff, if you
kicked in $399,000,
We'd only need 1k
from another source.
Uh-oh. It sounds like
the pig pen is goin' off!
Sorry, private party.
Wait. Is that perry?
Perry! Ha ha ha ha! Get
your dumb ass over here!
I thought you were gone,
bro? This is great news!
Yeah. Uh, this is actually
my rehearsal dinner.
Jeff: Smart. I wish I had a
rehearsal for this ice cream.
he's funny.
Y-you're getting married
without your boy klaus?
We're just having a small thing.
But I'm like 3 inches in size.
It doesn't get any
smaller than me!
Sorry, man.
This is outrageous. We're boys!
I should be at that wedding.
I should be giving a
speech, saying things like,
"now that you're married,
your dick is in prison!"
Sorry, mr. Klaus.
I'm sure he just completely
forgot you existed.
He can't get married without me.
So I guess that means he
won't be getting married.
Oh, hey, since I
drove, do you mind.
Tossing me a few bucks for gas?
Just like $200.
Think we got enough stuff?
Stan, we got everything we need.
The crystals are
assaulting this place.
With good energy as we speak.
Something's different.
Stan, did you get a haircut?
No, it's the decor!
I love it, dad!
Thank you, son. Someday,
it may all belong to you.
That day is today.
You've got this! And
one final charge-up.
You can't be too
careful these days.
Hi, guys! Come on in.
What is it, hideki?
It's just, I-I-I
prefer minimalism.
So all this badly hurts my eyes.
Lead me to the dining area.
Mm. So, I have a funny story.
Guess who invited snot up to
his hotel room last night?
Pete rose! Yeah.
So what happened was...
how's the food, hideki?
The meat loaf is
a bit... Stupid.
You mean the... Scampi loaf?
Is there anything
better than two men.
Sipping brandy in
the master bedroom?
Cigar?
This is the warmest
room in the house.
Feel free to take
your shirt off.
Thanks for coming. I hope
you had a nice time, hideki.
Stan, I had... An
above-average time.
Thank you, and goodbye.
Oh, my god, oh, my
god, oh, my god!
He had an above-average time!
There used to be a
fly in this wine.
Why are we looking
for perry again?
I told you, because we're
trying to find perry.
So I can give him one of
these lightly poisoned ipas...
Not enough to kill
him.
Yeah. She's gonna make
a great first wife.
Excuse me. We just
want to warm up...
Whaaa? Is that perry?
Oh, hey, guys.
Is this the dinner you
were rehearsing for?
You're doing great!
this
guy's really funny.
Like "mad tv" funny.
Hey, perry, sorry if I made
things awkward earlier.
How about a beer,
as a peace offering?
Got a real fresh one
here for ya! Pssh!
I'll just leave this
right next to you,
And, uh... We'll see you around.
Okay, jeff, let's
get out of here!
Yes! We did it!
By the way, I know I gave
you a hard time in the car,
But good call on
packing your wagon.
It was definitely worth
100% of your suitcase space.
He said he had "an
above-average time"!
What a success.
And well done
decorating the place.
I wish I could take credit,
But the crystals did
the heavy lifting.
Man, you really maximized the
hell out of that credit card.
Credit card? Oh, no, no.
That teen credit card barely
covered the sand painting.
Of two victorian
chicks sixty-nining.
No, I had to take out a
$50,000 loan from a loan shark.
- To buy all that.
- What?
Relax! We don't
have to pay it back.
He made me leave my
wallet as collateral,
But all that was in there was
steve's stupid credit card!
It's a common name. They'll
never track it back to our steve.
And you're certain there wasn't
anything else in that wallet?
Yep! I remember moving everything
out to my new peppa pig wallet.
Could I have missed
something? Possibly.
I did it super fast while I
was rushing around six flags.
But pretty sure I didn't.
I had meth-focus that
day.
So I'm supposed to
feel "pretty sure".
That a loan shark won't
come hunting my son?
Nope. Can't do it.
Let's call the guy.
Fine. His name's mike donkey.
But I'm telling you, this
really isn't necessary.
- yeah.
- Hi. Mike donkey?
- Yeah.
I think someone, uh, stole my
wallet and left it with you.
It had a "steve smith"
teen credit card in it?
Yep, got it right here.
Been using it to weigh down
the lid on my chameleon tank.
Good, good. So there was
nothing else in there.
Besides the card, right?
Nope, very light wallet.
Chameleons are
moving it at will.
Oh, thank god! I'll...
I'll just cancel the card.
Thanks for your time!
No, thank you...
Stan smith, is it?
On cherry street?
Because, until right now, I
didn't have enough information.
To track this kid down,
But I just ran a search
on your phone number.
I'm gonna guess your
wallet wasn't stolen.
And you were thinking of
ditching out on that loan?
But you had to
double-check first.
Because this kid with
your same last name.
Is someone important to you.
This guy's good!
What is he, your son?
Cousin? Non-blood nephew?
You sound like a guy with
a sibling who adopts.
You know, it doesn't matter.
What does matter is,
somebody's gonna pay me.
That 50 grand by
6:00 p.M. Tomorrow,
Or I'm finding the kid
and breaking his legs.
- this is on me.
This probably wouldn't have
happened if I gave you.
A tiny crystal to put in your
butthole before the call.
How did I get in this mess?!
All I did was whatever it took.
To impress my son's
friend's cool dad!
Stan, mike donkey
knows where you live.
I think the only way
out is to pay him.
But how do we get 50
grand in less than a day?!
Hey, what if we
counterfeit the money?
It doesn't have to be perfect,
just close enough to trick him.
Great thought, but my printer
just crapped out on me.
- I think it's out of ink.
- Damn it!
We need something, or
steve's legs are toast!
We could probably get 25
grand for your suv, right?
What if we sold it, then
went to atlantic city.
And tried to double that
money up at a casino?
And leave my son's
very legs to chance?
Chance? Are you forgetting
we have the power.
Of the crystals
on our side, stan?
I'm not doubting the
crystals are absolute beasts,
It's just... Maybe
there's another way.
Sure, think on it.
Take some time.
But we both know
we're gonna do this,
So I'm gonna go ahead and pack.
Okay. Let's split up and start
chipping away at separate tables.
We're not gonna win 50
grand grinding away.
At five-dollar blackjack.
We gotta go balls to the wall.
I say we go to the room and
charge up with the crystals.
Until the last possible minute.
Then we hit the tables at max
power and bet it all on red.
We'll be so juiced,
it's gotta hit!
Smart.
- Can you feel 'em working?
- I think so!
Do they make your
lower back tighten up?
Oh, yeah, I forgot jabbawockeez
are performing here.
Hey, if we're just gonna be
sittin' around absorbing energy,
We might as well enjoy
the hotel, right?
- What about the crystals?
- We'll bring 'em with us,
Charge up in luxury.
We've earned it!
You're right.
We earned this.
I guarantee they charged
up before the show.
That move's impossible
without crystals.
See ya! Goin' on
my Sunday stroll!
I'm gettin' tired of
this Sunday stroll shit.
Oh, my god, thank you!
- hey, boss,
We got the kid's beautiful
legs in our sights.
Don't move on him yet. They
have a little more time.
And I know we're working,
But you don't have
to call me "boss."
You can call me
"dad," mike donkey jr.
here we go.
$25,000 on red.
Or maybe black! Stan,
what did you do?!
Red! I did it!
Hell yeah! The
power of crystals!
- Mm.
- Mm.
Stan, do we... Double down?
The crystals are
clearly working.
It would solve a
lot of problems.
I could finally go nuts
in that men's wearhouse.
Let's do it!
I'm not even gonna watch,
'cause I know we're gonna win.
We are so charged, we
could fly to the moon.
Ye-ea-eah! Yes!
- Red!
- Yeah!
- Mm.
- Mm. One more?
I mean, they're basically
giving away money at this point.
We gotta, right?
- Yeah! Yes! Yeah!
- Ye-ea-eah!
I can't believe we doubled
down and won five times!
Pull over. I gotta take a leak.
That's the crystals. They
have no patience for toxins.
We only have an hour
to pay the loan shark.
Might have to pee from the
bathroom doorway to save time.
All right, let's go
pay this scumbag.
Uh, roger, does it feel like.
The car's riding a
little lower to you?
No, it's... Always
been this way.
It's not my fault, stan!
Look how huge it is!
I was powerless to
its lavender pull!
Roger, how much of our
winnings did you spend?
Just... All of them?
My boy's gonna get
his legs mangled!
I, for one, think steve's
legs are a small price to pay.
For the wonderful weekend
we've shared together!
Any minute now, the wedding
planner is gonna run by,
Yelling that the groom's
sick and the wedding's off.
Ooh! It's gonna be so sweet!
I'm sitting extra still, because
if I do, I get s'mores later!
- here we go!
My best man is violently ill!
No, he's not. Y-you are.
I don't know what happened. He
only had one ipa last night.
but
the show must go on.
It feels meant to be that
I bumped into you, klaus.
Would you...
Let me borrow jeff to
be my new best man?
I just love him. He's so funny.
And now that perry is married,
his dick is in prison!
That was my joke!
I'll give him credit,
it took balls.
Making it his entire
speech, but still.
He's gettin' a poisoned ipa!
Oh, no. Are you kidding me?!
These poisoned beers have been
nothing... But... Trouble.
I'm gonna call mike donkey
and try to get an extension.
Extension denied.
Mr. Donkey, please!
Let my boy go!
Break my legs instead!
No, the kid's legs
were the deal.
And, unlike you,
I honor my deals.
Wait! What if I told
you this giant crystal.
Is powerful enough to
win any bet we want?
I propose we all go
to atlantic city,
And we'll win what
we owe you, times 10.
Guaranteed.
We're just gonna break the legs.
Come on, guys.
- You can't really...
- Ohh!
Ohh! ohh!
Hmm.
Yeah, I've never had to
go this route before.
The deal was pay or
get his legs broken.
So, yeah, I guess
we're all square.
Pleasure doing
business with you.
Steve:
What could have
possibly led to this?!
It's all my fault!
If I wasn't so desperate to
impress someone richer than me,
This never would've
snowballed out of control!
Everything's gonna be fine.
No, it's not! My boy is broken!
This baby's powerful enough
to heal a hundred legs.
In mere minutes.
Shh, let the crystal do its job.
It's woooooorrrrrkkinnnngg.
Your eight brutal weeks
of physical therapy.
Is woooooorrrrrkkinnnngg.
I'm doing it! Come
on! Stroll with me!
Aah!
Steve, you're doing it!
Bye! Have a great time!
having us over, guys.
Your home is beautiful! They
could shoot pornos here!
They have.
This b-b-q is the
least we can do.
Your son defended
toshi's honor at school!
Oh, it was nothing.
Anyone could've helped him
vandalize that lunch lady's car.
Oh! Oh, toshi,
one of these days,
You'll have to
teach me japanese.
Hideki, my man, I gotta
say I'm lovin' it here!
Your house is gigantic, your
pool is dangerously deep,
And I like how you're wearing
dress shoes and socks.
With your speedo. Powerful look.
Gonna run to the bathroom.
So you know, this is a
massive sign of respect.
I usually just go in
the pool, even at home.
Especially at home.
When I'm not swimming.
Where's the bathroom? They
have to dump somewhere.
Unless I was supposed
to go in the pool.
Hideki's got an archery range?!
Hideki: Stan, are you
pooping or snooping?
- I would, too.
We have a lot of great stuff!
That's our weekend kitchen...
This room's just an insanely
soft rug to stand barefoot on.
While you listen to
the indigo girls.
And triangle room.
But you have a triangular room.
Why didn't you put your
triangles in there?
Oh, stan!
You have truly created comedy.
Thank you.
You know, a lot of people
don't get my comedy.
For instance, me right now.
Aah!
Damn, someone's blowing up.
Uh, think that's you, jeff.
"Yo, doggy, wanna join me.
For a one-on-one guys'
weekend out in the country?
Peace, love, and
titties, klaus."
Um...
Why don't we have a
house like hideki's?!
This place sucks
compared to theirs!
I think it's perfect here, dad!
I'm just grateful for
everything we have.
Then you're a fool, steve.
I don't even wanna
think about what hideki.
Would say about this dump.
Well, you're gonna find out.
I invited him over for
dinner this weekend.
You did what?! Hideki
can't come here.
He'll think I'm a loser! Aah!
And look at this wall! This
place is falling apart!
How could you do this to me?!
Mother, which day are
the yoshidas coming?
You see, traditionally, I
take a Sunday stroll, and I...
We all know about your
precious Sunday strolls.
Don't worry. It's Saturday.
Y-e-es!
I'm sorry we got
interrupted by...
Whatever all that was.
Think over my offer, jeff.
I'll be in my alcove.
I think you know where it is.
I don't know what to do, babe.
Things tend to get
weird when I hang out.
With mr. Klaus unsupervised.
But it'll be really weird if
you tell him you can't go.
He knows you have
nothing going on.
- Everyone knows.
- They do?
That's... Flattering!
I'm so screwed!
Hideki's like the
coolest guy I know.
I can't entertain
him in this shitbox!
But this is an easy fix.
Just go buy some new stuff.
With what money? I'm barely
keeping my head above water.
No, dummy, not real money.
Throw it on a credit card!
That's the beauty of credit.
You buy now, you pay later.
Or maybe never!
I wish I could, but the
credit-card companies.
Froze me out after I maxed
out 12 cards last summer.
Trying to cut my teeth
on the funny car circuit.
Oh. Well, then, yeah,
Hideki's gonna laugh
at your clown ass.
Thank you! You get
it. No one else does.
I got steve down there telling
me everything's "perfect".
When it clearly isn't.
- Such a dick.
- Such a dick.
Easy for him to talk.
He's never had to deal with
financial responsibility.
Right? He's never had to
pay off three credit cards.
With seven other credit
cards. He's never had one.
Just letting his virgin credit
sit there like a lazy bum.
And it's that dick's
fault you're in this jam.
He's toshi's friend.
You're right. Come on.
- We're going to the airport.
- Airport?
Seems odd, but
I'm with ya, stan.
Think we'll see any
luggage while we're there?
Sorry. I got held
up at security.
That was expensive tea, and I
wasn't just gonna throw it away.
So, why are we here anyway?
For this.
I thought you couldn't
get credit cards anymore?
I can't. Hi. I'd like to sign
up for a teen credit card.
- My name is steve smith.
- Whoa.
Hijacking your son's
credit? Love it!
Hey, did you buy
two boarding passes.
Just to come get a
credit card here?
You know you can do
it online, right?
You can? Oh, my god, I'm ruined!
This is working great!
Why doesn't everyone steal
their son's identity?
Because instagram makes
people feel like they.
Have to be "good" parents.
So, what do ya think?
Grab a couple lava lamps.
And a fat stack of mad
magazines for the coffee table,
- Call it a day?
- Stan, hideki's fancy.
You need to deck your
place out classy.
If you want to impress
a guy like him.
Y-yes, yes, of course. Like how?
Well, nothing screams
"I'm a cool rich guy".
Like art and crystals.
And, to be honest, crystals are
just a good investment anyway.
They're not just beautiful.
They channel energy,
have healing properties.
They're really magnificent
little objects.
You clearly have
a handle on this.
You stay here and buy whatever's
going to impress hideki.
I'm gonna head back and get
started on the dinner menu.
I'm thinkin' we
scampi everything.
Great. But before you go,
watch this cool prank.
- Hey!
- Aah! I got caught!
I'm sorry. We got off
on the wrong foot.
I'm roger. How 'bout
I buy you a fresh dog?
Klaus: I get up to lake
wittenberg every summer.
It's so sick. You'll see.
And this is the pig
pen bar & grille.
Had some good nights at the
pen with perry and the boys.
My local crew,
we're like brothers.
Unfortunately, he's
away this weekend.
But we'll still kill it.
This place is quaint as hell.
This house is only 400k.
You know, jeff, if you
kicked in $399,000,
We'd only need 1k
from another source.
Uh-oh. It sounds like
the pig pen is goin' off!
Sorry, private party.
Wait. Is that perry?
Perry! Ha ha ha ha! Get
your dumb ass over here!
I thought you were gone,
bro? This is great news!
Yeah. Uh, this is actually
my rehearsal dinner.
Jeff: Smart. I wish I had a
rehearsal for this ice cream.
he's funny.
Y-you're getting married
without your boy klaus?
We're just having a small thing.
But I'm like 3 inches in size.
It doesn't get any
smaller than me!
Sorry, man.
This is outrageous. We're boys!
I should be at that wedding.
I should be giving a
speech, saying things like,
"now that you're married,
your dick is in prison!"
Sorry, mr. Klaus.
I'm sure he just completely
forgot you existed.
He can't get married without me.
So I guess that means he
won't be getting married.
Oh, hey, since I
drove, do you mind.
Tossing me a few bucks for gas?
Just like $200.
Think we got enough stuff?
Stan, we got everything we need.
The crystals are
assaulting this place.
With good energy as we speak.
Something's different.
Stan, did you get a haircut?
No, it's the decor!
I love it, dad!
Thank you, son. Someday,
it may all belong to you.
That day is today.
You've got this! And
one final charge-up.
You can't be too
careful these days.
Hi, guys! Come on in.
What is it, hideki?
It's just, I-I-I
prefer minimalism.
So all this badly hurts my eyes.
Lead me to the dining area.
Mm. So, I have a funny story.
Guess who invited snot up to
his hotel room last night?
Pete rose! Yeah.
So what happened was...
how's the food, hideki?
The meat loaf is
a bit... Stupid.
You mean the... Scampi loaf?
Is there anything
better than two men.
Sipping brandy in
the master bedroom?
Cigar?
This is the warmest
room in the house.
Feel free to take
your shirt off.
Thanks for coming. I hope
you had a nice time, hideki.
Stan, I had... An
above-average time.
Thank you, and goodbye.
Oh, my god, oh, my
god, oh, my god!
He had an above-average time!
There used to be a
fly in this wine.
Why are we looking
for perry again?
I told you, because we're
trying to find perry.
So I can give him one of
these lightly poisoned ipas...
Not enough to kill
him.
Yeah. She's gonna make
a great first wife.
Excuse me. We just
want to warm up...
Whaaa? Is that perry?
Oh, hey, guys.
Is this the dinner you
were rehearsing for?
You're doing great!
this
guy's really funny.
Like "mad tv" funny.
Hey, perry, sorry if I made
things awkward earlier.
How about a beer,
as a peace offering?
Got a real fresh one
here for ya! Pssh!
I'll just leave this
right next to you,
And, uh... We'll see you around.
Okay, jeff, let's
get out of here!
Yes! We did it!
By the way, I know I gave
you a hard time in the car,
But good call on
packing your wagon.
It was definitely worth
100% of your suitcase space.
He said he had "an
above-average time"!
What a success.
And well done
decorating the place.
I wish I could take credit,
But the crystals did
the heavy lifting.
Man, you really maximized the
hell out of that credit card.
Credit card? Oh, no, no.
That teen credit card barely
covered the sand painting.
Of two victorian
chicks sixty-nining.
No, I had to take out a
$50,000 loan from a loan shark.
- To buy all that.
- What?
Relax! We don't
have to pay it back.
He made me leave my
wallet as collateral,
But all that was in there was
steve's stupid credit card!
It's a common name. They'll
never track it back to our steve.
And you're certain there wasn't
anything else in that wallet?
Yep! I remember moving everything
out to my new peppa pig wallet.
Could I have missed
something? Possibly.
I did it super fast while I
was rushing around six flags.
But pretty sure I didn't.
I had meth-focus that
day.
So I'm supposed to
feel "pretty sure".
That a loan shark won't
come hunting my son?
Nope. Can't do it.
Let's call the guy.
Fine. His name's mike donkey.
But I'm telling you, this
really isn't necessary.
- yeah.
- Hi. Mike donkey?
- Yeah.
I think someone, uh, stole my
wallet and left it with you.
It had a "steve smith"
teen credit card in it?
Yep, got it right here.
Been using it to weigh down
the lid on my chameleon tank.
Good, good. So there was
nothing else in there.
Besides the card, right?
Nope, very light wallet.
Chameleons are
moving it at will.
Oh, thank god! I'll...
I'll just cancel the card.
Thanks for your time!
No, thank you...
Stan smith, is it?
On cherry street?
Because, until right now, I
didn't have enough information.
To track this kid down,
But I just ran a search
on your phone number.
I'm gonna guess your
wallet wasn't stolen.
And you were thinking of
ditching out on that loan?
But you had to
double-check first.
Because this kid with
your same last name.
Is someone important to you.
This guy's good!
What is he, your son?
Cousin? Non-blood nephew?
You sound like a guy with
a sibling who adopts.
You know, it doesn't matter.
What does matter is,
somebody's gonna pay me.
That 50 grand by
6:00 p.M. Tomorrow,
Or I'm finding the kid
and breaking his legs.
- this is on me.
This probably wouldn't have
happened if I gave you.
A tiny crystal to put in your
butthole before the call.
How did I get in this mess?!
All I did was whatever it took.
To impress my son's
friend's cool dad!
Stan, mike donkey
knows where you live.
I think the only way
out is to pay him.
But how do we get 50
grand in less than a day?!
Hey, what if we
counterfeit the money?
It doesn't have to be perfect,
just close enough to trick him.
Great thought, but my printer
just crapped out on me.
- I think it's out of ink.
- Damn it!
We need something, or
steve's legs are toast!
We could probably get 25
grand for your suv, right?
What if we sold it, then
went to atlantic city.
And tried to double that
money up at a casino?
And leave my son's
very legs to chance?
Chance? Are you forgetting
we have the power.
Of the crystals
on our side, stan?
I'm not doubting the
crystals are absolute beasts,
It's just... Maybe
there's another way.
Sure, think on it.
Take some time.
But we both know
we're gonna do this,
So I'm gonna go ahead and pack.
Okay. Let's split up and start
chipping away at separate tables.
We're not gonna win 50
grand grinding away.
At five-dollar blackjack.
We gotta go balls to the wall.
I say we go to the room and
charge up with the crystals.
Until the last possible minute.
Then we hit the tables at max
power and bet it all on red.
We'll be so juiced,
it's gotta hit!
Smart.
- Can you feel 'em working?
- I think so!
Do they make your
lower back tighten up?
Oh, yeah, I forgot jabbawockeez
are performing here.
Hey, if we're just gonna be
sittin' around absorbing energy,
We might as well enjoy
the hotel, right?
- What about the crystals?
- We'll bring 'em with us,
Charge up in luxury.
We've earned it!
You're right.
We earned this.
I guarantee they charged
up before the show.
That move's impossible
without crystals.
See ya! Goin' on
my Sunday stroll!
I'm gettin' tired of
this Sunday stroll shit.
Oh, my god, thank you!
- hey, boss,
We got the kid's beautiful
legs in our sights.
Don't move on him yet. They
have a little more time.
And I know we're working,
But you don't have
to call me "boss."
You can call me
"dad," mike donkey jr.
here we go.
$25,000 on red.
Or maybe black! Stan,
what did you do?!
Red! I did it!
Hell yeah! The
power of crystals!
- Mm.
- Mm.
Stan, do we... Double down?
The crystals are
clearly working.
It would solve a
lot of problems.
I could finally go nuts
in that men's wearhouse.
Let's do it!
I'm not even gonna watch,
'cause I know we're gonna win.
We are so charged, we
could fly to the moon.
Ye-ea-eah! Yes!
- Red!
- Yeah!
- Mm.
- Mm. One more?
I mean, they're basically
giving away money at this point.
We gotta, right?
- Yeah! Yes! Yeah!
- Ye-ea-eah!
I can't believe we doubled
down and won five times!
Pull over. I gotta take a leak.
That's the crystals. They
have no patience for toxins.
We only have an hour
to pay the loan shark.
Might have to pee from the
bathroom doorway to save time.
All right, let's go
pay this scumbag.
Uh, roger, does it feel like.
The car's riding a
little lower to you?
No, it's... Always
been this way.
It's not my fault, stan!
Look how huge it is!
I was powerless to
its lavender pull!
Roger, how much of our
winnings did you spend?
Just... All of them?
My boy's gonna get
his legs mangled!
I, for one, think steve's
legs are a small price to pay.
For the wonderful weekend
we've shared together!
Any minute now, the wedding
planner is gonna run by,
Yelling that the groom's
sick and the wedding's off.
Ooh! It's gonna be so sweet!
I'm sitting extra still, because
if I do, I get s'mores later!
- here we go!
My best man is violently ill!
No, he's not. Y-you are.
I don't know what happened. He
only had one ipa last night.
but
the show must go on.
It feels meant to be that
I bumped into you, klaus.
Would you...
Let me borrow jeff to
be my new best man?
I just love him. He's so funny.
And now that perry is married,
his dick is in prison!
That was my joke!
I'll give him credit,
it took balls.
Making it his entire
speech, but still.
He's gettin' a poisoned ipa!
Oh, no. Are you kidding me?!
These poisoned beers have been
nothing... But... Trouble.
I'm gonna call mike donkey
and try to get an extension.
Extension denied.
Mr. Donkey, please!
Let my boy go!
Break my legs instead!
No, the kid's legs
were the deal.
And, unlike you,
I honor my deals.
Wait! What if I told
you this giant crystal.
Is powerful enough to
win any bet we want?
I propose we all go
to atlantic city,
And we'll win what
we owe you, times 10.
Guaranteed.
We're just gonna break the legs.
Come on, guys.
- You can't really...
- Ohh!
Ohh! ohh!
Hmm.
Yeah, I've never had to
go this route before.
The deal was pay or
get his legs broken.
So, yeah, I guess
we're all square.
Pleasure doing
business with you.
Steve:
What could have
possibly led to this?!
It's all my fault!
If I wasn't so desperate to
impress someone richer than me,
This never would've
snowballed out of control!
Everything's gonna be fine.
No, it's not! My boy is broken!
This baby's powerful enough
to heal a hundred legs.
In mere minutes.
Shh, let the crystal do its job.
It's woooooorrrrrkkinnnngg.
Your eight brutal weeks
of physical therapy.
Is woooooorrrrrkkinnnngg.
I'm doing it! Come
on! Stroll with me!
Aah!
Steve, you're doing it!
Bye! Have a great time!