American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 2 - Russian Doll - full transcript

So I bit him.

I didn't know what else to do,
so I just bit him.

And I feel like that was
the right move

because he never charged me
for the guitar lesson.

Okay!
On to other business.

We have an exciting
new villain...

Anastasia Kirilenko.

Kirilenko?
That sounds Russian.

That's right!

The Russians are doing shit
again!

The Russians?!
They dance like this.



Hey! Ho!
Hey! Ho!

Ha! Hey!
Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah!
Yeah!

Ha ha! That's right, Styles!
They do!

Jackson has painted a fresco
on the ceiling

detailing the mission.

Now, this is for you visual
learners and also for me,

because I got bananas high
before this meeting.

Jackson!

We intercepted an order
from Kirilenko's IP address

to the American Girl
doll store...

Ohh!
...where Kirilenko's daughter

ordered a special,
one-of-a-kind doll.

Hmm!



- The plan is to put a bug in the doll...
- Dude.

...and ship it to
the Kirilenko compound.

Whoa.

We'll finally be able to
listen in on the Russian mob.

Yeah.

We've coordinated
with American Girl,

as we do on most missions,

and they're giving us access to
the doll before it's delivered.

We just need an agent
to go to the mall.

I got it!
Me!

I'll do anything to get
out of work.

That's what I like
to hear!

Pick up the doll.
Bring it to work Monday morning.

I will be busy all weekend,

posing for my deputy director
portrait.

Who said
you people could go?

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Boyz 12's "Girl You Need a
Shot )" plays...

♪ Oh, girl,
you need a shot of B12 ♪

♪ Break it out!
♪ I'm B1 and I'm tons...

Steve, why are you hanging
around this old factory?

Uh, this is my high school,
Dad.

You just met Mr. Brink
at my parent-teacher conference.

I thought that was
your foreman.

No wonder he wouldn't show me
his jackhammer.

Well, punch out
and let's go to the mall.

Were you just listening
to the boy band I was in?

Yeah, they've been playing it
a lot recently

since some psychopath's
been murdering

all the band members
one by one.

I hav been getting a lot
more calls

that are just heaving breathing
lately.

I thought it was Barry.

I'm sorry we have to go
to this lame doll store.

These dolls are amazing.

Did you know
each American Girl doll

has a rich
historical backstory?

I don't like
where this is going.

This is Koko.
She's from Hawaii.

"Her aloha spirit
kept her family together

on that fateful December morning
in 1941,

when the bombs fell
from the lani."

That's Hawaiian
for "sky."

No shit.
Steve, you're a boy.

And boys don't play
with dolls.

How about Helena?

Her family died of dysentery
during the Civil War.

Dad!

Hasn't Helena been through
enough?

Look at my foot.
It has been put down.

Hi! I'm Bob, and this is
my best friend, Maisie.

Ooh!

The one-of-a-kind
Piper special edition!

"You're one lucky boy."

It's not for him!

Oh.
A fellow adult doll enthusiast.

We should
get together and play sometime.

From the creators
of "Young Sheldon"

comes "Even Younger Sheldon."

Yuck.
It's just a fetus.

I get out of here through where?

Uh, no, thank you.

Okay.

I just had the tightest dinner
with Jurgen.

We destroyed the Chimdale
Ruth's Chris.

What gives, Klaus?
You never have any money.

It was Jurgen's treat.

I did his taxes and got him
a three-figure refund.

I didn't know you did taxes.
Can you help me with mine?

Sure. You thinking standard
or itemized deduction?

Those are the exact types of
questions I'm trying to avoid.

And that's how I know Jackson
is having a jazz party tonight.

Can you believe he didn't
skee-bop-ba-doo-bop-invite me?

Uh-huh. So Dr. Weitzman switched
yours and Jeff's consciousness?

Yeah, Mom.
This is me... Hayley.

The crazy thing is...
And this is for couples therapy?

Can we get back to my...

Babe, I think I got
your period.

I understand you now.

I just had to walk a mile
in your tampon.

No one cares about my problems.

Oh!
I forgot you were up there.

Just like Jackson forgot
to invite me to his jazz party.

Or maybe it was on purpose.

This is ridiculous.
I'm talking to a doll.

A little dark in there.

Now I see on Instagram

Hooper is having
a bluegrass thing right now!

He wanted me to see it.
He tagged me.

I'm acting like a crazy person.

You can't hear me
through that box.

Hi.

Good morning USA, Piper.
Whatcha got there?

Oh, right, you're an orphan
from the Depression era

and you write poetry
for scraps of food.

These are really good.

Did you squiggle them yourself?

You know, I wrote a poem once,
about ham.

But it didn't go very well.

My friend fake-humped me

and then took the
ham-carving position I wanted.

Has that ever happened to you
with your poetry, Piper?

Where's your dad?

And then I saw another guy
last week

that was like 6'4"!

I don't know if I'm just lucky

or if it's something
about the store,

but I always see
really tall guys at Home Depot.

Smith?
Where's the doll?

O-Oh, my God.
I totally forgot I had it.

Senior moment.

I-I think the problem is
that I don't care

about that amazing doll
at all.

I'll bring it in tomorrow.

Sorry about the, uh...
Pbht! Brain fart!

Good fart noise, Smith!

So, I told our joke at...
Oh...

At work today,
and everybody laughed!

So, you see, these tax
write-offs

that you've grouped
together,

I spread them over two
categories and saved you $15.

$15?
Wow!

I'm gonna have so much change
to take to Nipples and Nickels,

the only strip club
that lets you tip in nickels.

By the way, can I get that
in nickels?

They don't make change
at Nipples and Nickels.

Furthermore, I'm
recommending you to everyone.

I-I don't know if I have time
for any more clients!

Raider Dave!

Tax question...
If I beat a man with a tire iron

in the stadium parking lot,
is that deductible?

I'll have to look into it.

If it makes a difference,
he started it.

His wife and small children
were wearing Broncos jerseys...

In Denver, no less.

That's Raider country.

Hey, Steve!

Agent Styles.

I know your dad's been out sick
for a week,

and clearly you've caught it,
whatever it is,

but I need to get something
from him.

Rogu.

Whoa!
You sound like shit.

I so treasure these talks
with you, Piper.

The world's greatest treasure
is found

in the words
of friendship.

Wow, Piper.

Only you can make
Smash Mouth lyrics...

Which I assume those were...
Sound so beautiful.

Stan?

Styles!
What are you doing in Paris?

Okay.
Uh, what were we talking about?

Sports cars, right?
My favorite is Lamborghini.

It's so fast.

What the hell is going on
with you, Stan?

Okay.
Let me explain.

Like most flashbacks,
this one starts in the past.

After my dad left,

my mother had to raise me
all on her own.

Without a dad to guide me,

she was afraid
I'd turn out too girly.

So she had very strict rules
about what boys could play with.

Aah!

Aah!

I thought I told you
to throw out that stupid doll!

But she's
my best friend!

Look at my foot.
It has been put down.

Aah!

So I guess that's why
I went...

a little overboard
with all this.

I've been keeping this inside
for way too long.

But now I've had a breakthrough.
I'm all better!

Just like that?

I guess I'm just super healthy
mentally.

Here.
This doll needs to go to Russia.

You have a lovely home.

I guess I should tidy up.

Oh. Huh.
Piper left her jacket.

♪ It's overdue

That was B-12,

now with only seven
surviving members!

Piper needs her jacket!

You can't be trusted with Piper!
You're a terrible driver!

When I saw you'd left
your jacket,

I realized you were sending me
a message.

You didn't want to go any more
than I wanted you to leave.

It's all true, Stan!

Piper, you're the best
doll friend I've ever had.

I can't let you go now
that I've found you.

Stan, the CIA really wants me
to go to Russia.

They're probably
gonna come after me.

If I know the CIA,
they'll be after me as well.

They'll think this is all
my idea.

They don't know anything
about friendship.

- We need to run.
- Yeah.

We'll lie low
for a few years,

then I'll come back for Francine
and Rogu.

Did you have any unusual
expenses this year?

Got a full penis tattoo
of Dale Earnhardt.

Totally butchered it.

Looks like Milhouse
from "The Simpsons."

I accidentally ejaculated
on a Nagel painting

and was forced to purchase it
from the museum.

Neigh!

Did you receive unreported
tip income of $20 or more?

I have no need for a job.

I exchange smoothies
for used clothes.

I received a trampoline
as a business gift

from a prostitute
I am deeply in love with.

Did you make any... contributions
to a retirement plan?

- No.
- No.

- No.
- No.

No.

And roughly what was your income
this year?

Mama gives me a nickel
if I don't touch myself!

Where were you the night of the
Sadie Hawkins dance haunting?

Aah!

Ricky Spanish.

Sorry. I couldn't hear you
over the stabbing.

How much did you say you donated
to the Audubon Society?

$17,428.

I'm gonna buy you
some sugar cereal,

but it's only because
we're on vacation.

Now we have
some breaking news.

This just in
from Langley Falls, Virginia.

Here's a picture
of the suspects,

who are still at large.

Sorry.
That just went off.

By the way,
that was not me on the TV,

this is a normal doll,
and I'm a normal man.

Now, where do you keep your hair
dye, like, for normal disguises?

Well, Stan,
you've done it again.

Your most fiendishly clever
disguise yet.

Even my own family
would never suspect

that I'm not
Barry Manilow.

It's all worth it.

Such a little angel.

Did your... friend not like
her eggs?

What are you talking about?
She ate the whole thing.

Let's pay cash.

Don't want the CIA tracking
my card.

You're right.
No huge tips.

Don't want to end up a segment
on the local news.

Let me just do a quick
Yelp review.

I found Stan!

And he's driving west
on 68!

What the...

I have access
to your memories!

No!
She doesn't like it in there!

She's going to Russia,
Smith.

And there's nothing
you can do about it.

Putting the hose down.

Doll is lost!

What's wrong, Stan?

Oh, Towel Swan,
I don't know.

Am I becoming unhinged?

What?!
No!

You're as hinged as a door,
bro.

You need to go find Piper.

But she's halfway to Russia
already.

This isn't the Stan
I know.

This looks like a crybaby.

I'm not a crybaby!
But I'm just one man.

I can't go halfway to Russia
all by myself.

I need a team.

Don't worry.
We'll help you, Stan.

♪ We'll help Stan

♪ He's our friend...
Shut up! Piper's missing!

Sorry. You guys are great.
Don't get me wrong.

But I need you to hang back here
at headquarters

while I put a team together
to get her.

Wait.
Say that again.

Get a team together...
to get her.

Whoa!
Whoa!

I need you for a job,

and word is you've got
the résumé I'm looking for...

Special Forces, black ops,
67 confirmed kills.

I left that life behind.

Then I guess I'll have to
save Piper by myself.

Piper's in trouble?

Well, why the hell
didn't you say so?

What took you so long?

I'm in, baby.

We'll bring the sweet tea.

That'll be $6,000.

Hi.
I need eight tickets to Moscow.

First class.

Oh. We only have seven
first-class seats available.

There.
Now that I've framed my poster,

this finally feels
like a grown-up's alcove.

I should have a dinner party.

Klaus Heisler,
you're in big trouble!

What?!
What's this about?

Maynard Butterbean,
IRS auditor.

You've been convicted of filing
147 fraudulent tax returns.

Convicted?
D-Don't I get a trial?

A trial? This isn't TV, bro.
You're going to jail.

I-I'll admit, I took a few
liberties, but everyone does it.

This isn't cocaine, sir.
Not everyone does this.

We're seizing
all your assets.

Assets?
I don't have any...

No!

I spent $700 at Aaron Brothers
getting that framed!

Hit him with the Tasers, boys.

Roger, you jerk.

Are you busy Saturday?

I'm having a little
dinner party.

I'll be there.

There's no dying
in baseball.

Emma, you're in a league
of your own.

How are we gonna
get past them?

Me and Debbie can handle
those cold-blooded Russians.

Hey, boys!

You're a miracle on ice.

Shh!

Bad timing on that squeaky fart.

You're a dead man,
Amerikanskiy.

Uh, I think my friend Madison

might have something to say
about that.

Aw, yeah.

I'm comin' to get ya!

Your American car is no match
for our Russian wall.

Wow. I thought Russians
were supposed to be tough.

Damn it. I brought seven dolls
but only two bullets.

You're all out of bullets,

all out of dolls...
and all out of luck.

That's where you're wrong.

I don't need luck,
because I have Mai.

Get him, Mai!

Ha!

Russians be trippin'.

Piper!
Where are you?

Zoya Kirilenko.
Anastasia's daughter.

Oh, Piper,
I have had such a tough day.

What's that?
Oh, thank you!

You always know
just what to say.

Here you are.

I thought I told you
to throw out that stupid doll.

But, Mother...

You will run this organization
when I'm gone,

but you'll never be a leader
of men if you play with dolls.

I can do both.

Look at my foot.
It has been put down.

Where where you when I farted?

You came back for me!

Of course I did.

I can tell by the look
on your face something's wrong.

According to
the American Girl Feelings Book,

you're concerned
about something,

like speaking up in class
or saying hi to the new girl.

What is it, Stan?

Piper, you've filled a hole
in my life

that my wife, children, SUV,
and alien never could.

Aw.
That's so sweet.

But I can tell there's something
you're not saying.

I've realized there's someone
who needs you more than I do.

Piper!
You're back!

Treat her well.

Thank you.
I will.

She's got a milk allergy,
so she only drinks Diet Sprite.

And she can't sleep without
her Blake Griffin plushy.

Yeah, I know.
It's on her box.

Bye, Piper.

Goodbye, Stan.

Oh.
I'm not crazy anymore.

She's all yours.

But what about my mother?
She said...

Oh, I wouldn't worry
about your mother anymore.

Imagine... a mother who wouldn't
let her child play with dolls.

Good thing there's not more
than one way to mess up a kid.

You did it, Smith!
I know.

Piper has a great new home

with a girl that loves her
just as much as I did.

No, I mean getting the bug
back in the house

and taking out Kirilenko.

Now when the daughter takes over
the organization,

we'll know their every move.

We're getting something!

Can I tell you a secret, Piper?

I believe in mermaids.

This is great intel,
Smith.

Steve?

Oh!

Steve, I got you the American
Girl doll you've always wanted!

Oh, Dad, it's okay.

I'm... I'm not really into that
anymore.

Son, I've realized
I was wrong

when I told you
boys couldn't play with dolls.

So... play away.

And put on
this lipstick.

Oh... kay.

Mm.

You're a good dad,
Stan.

Bye!
Have a great time!