American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 1 - Who Smarted? - full transcript

So, Danuta, you still haven't
said how you and Marco met.

Oh, no. Here we go.

Well, Marco here
is the reigning champion

on a certain quiz show
on Langley Public Radio.

Oh, you mean "Oo Oo, I Know That"?

A ding ding dong.

When they asked him

who his favorite philosopher was,
he said,

"I Kant remember."

His wit was bone dry,

but I was quite the opposite.



Okay, soup, this time you're mine.

Ow!

That sneaky stuff just
falls off the spoon so fast!

Babe, remember, flip your spoon over

so it's like a little bowl.

Ohhhhh!

Like a little soup bowl

- on a stick!
- On a stick.

Yes, Jeff, very good, Jeff.

And how did you two meet?

Oh, it's so hard to recall.

I fell into the touch
tank at the aquarium!

Hayley pulled me out.

Oh, that's right.



We're actually going to a benefit

at the aquarium with Johanna this...

Johanna Gurney-Schaffner?

The host of "This Way or That"
on Langley Public Radio?

Wha...?! You hang out with her?!

Oh, she's a dear friend.

We actually went to the new
Almódovar film with her

just last night.
Unngh! Have you seen it?

Oh, I really wanted to,
but Jeff kinda likes to watch

the same movie over and over,

so right now most nights we're watching

"The Land Before Time:
The Secret of Saurus Rock."

Hayley has to explain a lot of it to me,

but I'm this close to understanding

that dragons couldn't actually talk.

Dinosaurs.

Dinosnaurs.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Ooohhh!

Mmmmmm... Marco!

- Polo!
- What?

What?

Wait just one minute.

_

You were thinking about
Danuta's smarty-pants boyfriend!

Jeff, I love you.

I just...
I can't even remember the last time

we had an intelligent
conversation about anything.

We talked for hours about "Mad Men"!

Because I had to keep explaining

that you didn't have to be scared,

because the men weren't mad at you!

Well, maybe you should
watch it with Narco.

- Marco.
- Polo!

Ohmygod-why-are-you-so-dumb?!

Jeff, I'm sorry.

I-I just got frustrated.

- Where are you going?
- Out!

Jeff, those are my pants.

I know. I happen to, um...

like the way they make my butt look.

Jeff! Lookin' good!

Oh, man, what if Hayley leaves me

because I'm too dumb for her?

Who's gonna tie my shoes?!

'ey. Jeffy-boy.

What up, man? Little moonlight stroll?

Mr. S?

Why are you out so late?

Collecting critters.

Dr. Weitzman needs animals

for a new experiment
he's doing at the CIA.

The agent that brings in the most

gets to go to McDonald's in a limo.

Whoa!

Say, Roger was helping me,
but he quit on me.

Got bit trying to nab a copperhead snake

and just went straight
to the emergency room,

like a quitter.

You wanna help me out?

Mr. S, can I talk to you
about something?

Not if I turn on the radio!

Critter!

"This Way or That" is made possible

by the Arthur and Elaine
T. McKennon Foundation.

- Get back here, you little...
- Creating a brighter generation

through the power of public radio.

Check it out. Stray dog.

Can you change the station?

This is that Jo-hannis
Grundy ShniffShnaff lady

Hayley loves so much.

Ugh, yeah, I hate this nerd shit, too.

That nerd Francine must've
been driving my car.

Let's listen to some Stern!

A lotta people don't know this,

but I was high every day
of shooting "City Slickers."

I'm of course talking
about Daniel Stern's

autobiography on Audible.

Also, Jack Palance was soooo strong.

Well, Misterrrr...

Pastafocaccia.

You seem to have fully
recovered from your snakebite.

So that just leaves
the small matter of...

uh-the bill!

Sweet Child O' Mine!

Why is it so darn much, Doc?

Because antivenom is scarce.

Yeahp, if someone went out right now

and harvested venom
from poisonous snakes,

which is what antivenom is made from,

they could make quite the pretty penny.

Why are you telling me this?

I'm a doctor!

I'm all about that sweet

mmmmoneymoneymoneymoneymoney
moneymmmoneymoneymoney!

Hmmm.

"Money, money, money, money," you say?

No, like this...

Mmmoneymoneymoney
moneymoneymoneymoney...

Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah,
moneymoney moneymoneymoney!

Moneymoneymoneymoneymoney
moneymoneymoneymoneymoney...

Now eskimo kisses!

Moneymoneymoneymoneymoney
moneymoneymoneymoney...

Wait here while I run these
bad boys on down to Dr. Dubs.

What kind of experiment is
the doctor working on, anyway?

Eh, some kind of experimental surgery

to increase intelligence or some crap.

Do you think he could do it to me?

Dumb guy like you?

I can see why you'd be interested.

But he still hasn't
perfected the operation.

Most of these animals'll end up

dimmer than an Amish Christmas tree.

I like that you screeched
at my joke, wise old owl.

You I might just keep for myself.

Sure is spooky here after dark.

Aah! Babadook!

I wish.

It's just stupid old me.

I was making ramen on my hotplate

and the dang pot fell on my head.

Oh, phew!

What are you doing here?

My girlfriend kicked me out!

Aw, that's awful, Mr. Whoever-You-Are.

Take it from me, kid,
don't ever be in a relationship

with someone smarter than you.

It won't last.

Dr. Wishbone,

I'd like to volunteer
for your a-speriment.

Oh, I would love to have
a human test subject,

but you should know there's a 99% chance

you'll end up brain-dead.

Uhhh, 99 out of a million?

I think I'll take my chances.

- _
- Tell you what, Screechy,

maybe the move is to track
down this beautiful sicko.

Score ten dogs at once.

Dad, have you seen Jeff?

He never came home last night.

Oh, yeah, he volunteered himself

for a deadly experimental
surgery at the CIA.

What?! Why didn't you stop him?!

I guess I don't care
whether he lives or dies.

Ughhh!

Hoo.

Jeff.

Stop this atrocity at once!

Oh, Hayley, I'm glad you're here.

As Jeff's legal guardian,
you need to sign this release

before I can do the operation.

You must be suckin'
the glass [BLEEP] if you think

I am gonna give Jeff permission
to go through with this...

"Intelligence Enhancement"?

Out of curiosity, has this worked

on any of your test animals?

There's one goose that's now in Mensa.

Did I get it right this time, Doc?

Oh, if it isn't Babe.

Hopefully here to stop me

from doing this super dangerous thing.

He's all yours, Doc!

Oh.

Hayley?

Dr. Weitzman?

Smart Goose?

- Did it work?
- Let's find out.

Which of the little people

is wearing his hospital gown correctly?

This one.

...seems to have had a
bit of a sartorial snafu.

- Hm?!
- He's taken his "privates" public, so to speak.

One might even call it an IPO...

an Ignominious Penile Ostentation.

You can honk that again, Squawky.

Now, he will need to avoid marijuana,

which could dull the
effects of the procedure.

I can also tell you
that is a fake diploma.

He's not wrong.

Ah, Mr. Fischer, welcome back!

Shall I bring for you
extra children's menus

so you may attempt the maze
as many times as you like?

Merci, non.

Une bouteille de Châteauneuf-du-Pape

et du pain pour la table,
s'il vous plaît.

You have exposed my secret shame.

I am not French,
nor do I speak the language.

Did Jeff take a ten-gallon Gingko enema

this morning or what?
'Cause he seems, like,

a billion times smarter
than he used to be.

I know! Isn't it great?

Per te, amore mio.

Say what you will about Seurat.

No one can accuse his art of being...

pointless.

That is so witty, it's almost funny.

You know, Johanna
is hosting a small fundraiser

for the McKennon Foundation at
her lake house this weekend.

You guys should come.

As they say in Reykjavík...

What he said.

So, by now, Barry's going back

to the Steve Madden a third time...

Shhh, shh, shut up.

Your story sucks, and I hear a rattler.

Oingo boingo, we got cornbread!

Here. Take some clackers

and work that string bean
on outta there.

What?! Why would I do that?!

Because I'm Chazz Babylon,

Speculative Venom Harvester.

And you're my bag man.

You told me you were Chico Dungaree,

Former Twisted Sister Roadie,

and that we were just
going on a nature walk!

Chazz Babylon is a pathological liar.

Now get clackin'!

I will not!

The world needs antivenom, Steve.

Think of how many lives we'll save.

Alright, we can try.

Okay, now first we gotta
clack him outta that bush.

Now hold up a second.

I wanna make sure we got a good one.

Ow! It's him!

- And he nipped me!
- Oh, my God!

I got nipped! Quick, grab his tail!

Ooh, he's mad now!
Oh, he nipped me again!

I got nipped! You get nipped?

Ohh! Yow! I got nipped!

- I got nipped!
- I'm gettin' nipped!

- Ohh!
- Ow! Oww!

I'm gettin' nipped
a whole bunch right now!

- Ow!
- Let's bag this sucker!

Get him in there!

Aah! I'm trying!

Ah! We did it, Steve.

Oh, my God.

He doesn't have his clackers.

He's doomed!

Wife. Noun.

A woman who regrets a decision.

What then of "husband"?

The man who begets her derision.

More snaps!

More snaps for you!

Jeff, we simply have to have you

as a contestant on "Oo Oo, I Know That."

Johanna's going to be a guest panelist.

- What do you say, Johanna?
- Certainly.

So long as he helps me with this devil

of a New Yorker caption contest.

Any suggestions?

Hmm...

How about, "I've heard of a bull market,

but this is ridiculous"?

Or, "Of course
on the day I wear my red tie."

Or, "Everybody has been
saying the new guy is horny."

"Think that belt is real leather?"

"I heard this place had fresh beef,

but this is ridiculous!"

Now you do one, babe.

Uhhhhhhh...

Business...

bull.

- Ugh. That's just...
- That doesn't quite connect.

- Nice try, but...
- Very, very bad.

What th... A weed gummy?

You know that could affect my treatment!

Oh, my God, a-are you trying to...

sabotage me?!

Playing "Rabbitage" by Weird Al.

♪ I'll nab cabbage ♪

- Alexa, off!
- ♪ And do my da... ♪

You know, Johanna was right about you.

You are pathologically insecure.

Wh... You've been talking
to Johanna about us?

First you risk my life
to make me smarter,

now you nearly kill me
trying to dumb me back down?!

I'm sorry, Jeff!

I-I was scared you were
getting too smart for me and...

But I should thank you.

Because now that I am smart,

I finally see what a
selfish person you are.

No, Jeff, please don't see that!

I never cared you weren't

the most erudite person in the world.

But I can't be with someone
who's downright flagitious!

F-L...

- It means "villainous"!
- I know what it means!

_

Well, Screechy, he did it.

- He won the Tournament of Champions.
- Hoo.

Don't make me say his name, Screech.

Hayley, honey?

The ice cream truck just came by.

I got you one of those
[BLEEP]-up Sonic the Hedgehogs.

- Thanks, Mom.
- You've just seemed so sad

these last few months since Jeff left.

No, we've both moved on.

He's with Johanna now,

and I'm happy with my new boyfriend...

- Myron.
- Dahhh, 'ey 'ayley, lookit!

I knocked it right outta
its nest with a rock

from all the way a long ways.

Like, ungh!

Myron, you're gonna get West Nile again.

Aw, you got a Sonic bar?

Gimme!

Let's go ta the old tire factory

'n whip this bird against the big rock!

I wish Stan would take me places.

Waaaaah! Rock-throw!

Million points!

'ey, 'ayley! You see that?

Yes, Myron, very good, Myron.

♪ I'll nab cabbage and... ♪

Gouda Tenuta, what's nuts?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.

Marco's been missing for how long?

Listen, I've been doing
a lot of research.

Every male winner of the
Tournament of Champions

has gone missing a few weeks later.

And it has something to do
with the McKennon Foundation.

Oh, Hayley, conspiracy theories

are the refuge of the dispossessed.

Kava root ristretto?

Jeff, please.

I think you may be in
some kind of danger.

Only of losing my patience!

Clearly, you've transmuted your guilt

over destroying our relationship

into this absurd fairy tale.

Well, enough. It is over between us.

Forget about her, lover.

A brighter future awaits us.

Let's play at puns.

"Air Hare", ten letters.

Hmm. Kite Rabbit?

Close. But the answer is actually...

Ether bunny!

Come now, Jeff.

Destiny calls.

Wakey, wakey, milk some snakeys!

Time to get out there again,
right back on the horse.

Clack clack clack!

You must be suckin' the glass [BLEEP]

if you think I'm going
back out with you.

You were never out to save lives.

You just wanted to make money.

It may have started out
being about the money,

but not anymore.

Well, maybe a little.
I did sink quite a bit

into having all these T-shirts made.

But otherwise,
now it's all about saving lives.

I won't rest until
every snakebite victim

has the antivenom they need.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

I'm afraid you've single-handedly

depleted the world's
entire supply of antivenom.

Many have died, and now you will, too.

Clack's all...

folks.

My Chazz!

Noooooooo!

The Meisterzucht awakes!

Wh-Where am I?

At the threshold of a new age.

Welcome...

to the McKennon Foundation!

Why are you doing this?!

Why, to create a brighter generation,

free of dumdums,
dingdongs, and dingalings.

We use "Oo Oo, I Know That"

to identify intellects of
the highest genetic caliber,

then harvest their seed to be...

disseminated...

Pun uh-very much intended.

...to fertility clinics the world over!

And you, Jeff,
you are the most smartest one of all.

Der Meisterzucht!

The Master Stud!

Commence milking!

Yaaaaaaawwww,
you might think this would feel good,

but it's agonyyyyyy!

Ready the Meisterzucht for harvest!

Wait, no! No, listen...
My genes are useless to you.

My intelligence stems from
biomedical intervention!

Uh, you don't think we all
already tried that old chestnut...

My balls!

Milk the Meisterzucht!

Yah, Myron! Yah!

Myron! Attack!

Rock! Bird! Bird!

Rock! Rat!

Let's get outta here.

You came for me.

Even though it means
now you'll die, too.

What can I say?

I think my problem all along has been,

when it comes to you,

I'm just a great big dummy.

We gotta think of a way out of here.

But those are some of the
most intelligent people

in the world out there.

- We'll never outsmart them.
- No.

But we may be able to outstupid them.

I need to be dumb again,
so I can think up a plan

so stupid they could never expect it.

How? We don't have any weed!

The answer's as easy as autolobotomy.

Have you ever wondered what
the colors on maps mean?

They gotta mean something.

Quick, what's your stupid plan?

Since Vaseline is clear,

once we cover ourselves in it...

...we become absolutely,

one-million-percent invisible.

Oh, wow, this is stupid.

Seize them!

Ugh!

Uch, they're too damn slippery!

Whoo!

The Spank Tank!

All our precious seed!

_

C'mon, Snugglesaurus,

we can still make it
to the Great Valley.

You know what I'm wondering?

If we maybe should've tried to save

those other men in that basement?

No.

Do you think all the
dinosnaurs stayed friends

when they were done shooting the movie?

Babe, don't ever change.

Have a great night!