American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 3 - Stan Moves to Chicago - full transcript
Stan moves to Chicago to become a comic while Steve and Hayley host Roger for a nice night in.
Eight of hearts.
Drink!
Three of clubs.
Drink! Drink!
I forget, which cards
don't we drink on?
Don't worry, I took them
out of the deck.
Stan: Francine!
Francine!
Francine!
Francine!
Chicago Dave!
That's Chicago Dave!
My buddy from college!
He's ascended the mountain,
Francine!
A real mountain?
Like Mount Everlast?
Or Mount Killamandingo?
What? No.
He's writing movies
for Reese Witherspoon!
What's the best part of writing
a movie for Reese Witherspoon?
Easy. Meeting Reese Witherspoon.
Obviously.
I'm so embarrassed I even asked.
Dave moved to Chicago.
Joined the world-famous
City Second improv troupe
where he was plucked
to join the cast
of "Sketches and Laughing,"
a.k.a. "S-and-L"!
And now he's writing
Reese Witherspoon movies.
What's your point, Stan?
My point is that man
could have been me.
Roger: [ Slurring ]
I flipped another card!
[ Crashing ]
Great, I'm missing
the end of the game.
It's a red one!
Ugh, that's a drink one, Stan.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good... ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
Chicago Dave is living
the best life a human can.
And you went to college
with him.
I more than went to college
with him.
A little backstory is needed.
Ugh.
It was the summer
of 21 years ago...
The start of my senior year
of college.
I was ready to take the throne
as Funniest Student
in the School of Government.
But what I didn't know
was someone else
had eyes on the same prize.
What are two examples
of a Republic?
Uh, Disneyland and Narnia.
[ Laughter ]
Uh, my butt and balls.
[ Louder laughter ]
Okay, shut up, shut up!
We're trying to learn
government here!
Stan: We became a team.
By winter break we were known
more for our comedy
than our schoolwork,
which we had stopped doing.
...which led to rules
governing search and seizure...
Seizure? I barely know her!
[ Laughter ]
Checks and balances?
More like cheeks and ball-ances!
[ Laughter ]
I didn't even say checks
and balances!
Promise me you will never accept
any sort of government job.
And do what instead?
Comedy? Sure.
I despise comedy,
so that would be great.
Except for Mark Russell,
the political pianist.
You guys familiar?
What do you say, Stan?
Ya wanna move to Chicago
and chase this dragon?
Russell: ♪ Ross Perot,
he's an independent hero! ♪
♪ Giant sucking sound,
was a total zero! ♪
[ Laughing ]
Stan:
There was only one problem.
I can't go.
I'm too afraid.
Come on, Stan. I can't go alone.
I need someone to talk to
on the drive.
Oh, wait.
Never mind! Bye!
Have fun living a life of fear!
He moved to Chicago without me.
Never talked to him again.
Tried to get in touch,
but who can touch
a shooting star?
You can't even touch
a regular star, Stan.
They're suns.
If I'd just gotten
in that Fiero,
I'd be a famous comedian.
[ Laughs ]
What? How?
You're not funny.
[ Gasps ] Tha... bha...
tha... bha...
I'm a funny guy!
That's what I identify as.
Stan Smith... Funny. Guy.
[ Chuckles ]
I honestly don't know
if you're joking right now.
It's always so hard
to tell with you.
Are you being crazy right now?
Kids!
[ Scraping ]
Not you, Klaus.
Your Dad just said
he's a funny guy.
[ Both laugh ]
That's a funny thing
to say, Dad.
That's not like you.
It wasn't a joke!
Here's a joke...
Have you seen these teens
eating their Tide Pods?
What the heck?
Those are for dishwashers.
Boo.
Stan, the last good joke
you made was Steve!
Nice, Mom!
You burned Dad and Steve.
Unlike Dad,
who's had 14 years to burn me
and never once scored.
Never once scored...
Kinda like Steve!
Oh, ho! Wow!
You see that, Dad?
That's how you roast Steve.
[ Clattering ]
What the hell, Stan?
I'm out. Moving to Chicago.
Gonna prove the haters wrong.
What about work?
I told Bullock that when
I was young,
I dreamt of being a comedian
and how I chickened out.
He instantly granted me
Regret Leave,
which was a surprise considering
we're basically
getting ass-slammed
by China round the clock.
Why don't you just take
an improv class
at the Learning Attic?
Why would I listen to anything
you have to say?
You're my number-one hater.
You've never supported
my comedy.
Come on, is this real?
How long do you plan to be gone?
As long as it takes.
Maybe even longer.
Goodbye, Francine.
Lemme know how
the kids turn out!
♪ Standing tall,
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall,
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder,
the hmm and muhmuh ♪
♪ Um buh for better days!
♪ It's my life and my dream
♪ Nothing's going
to stop me now ♪
♪♪
Wow.
This is what I missed out
on 21 years ago.
Klaus?! Klaus!
Baaa-haaaa!
You didn't think I'd let you
move to Chi-Town solo, did you?
Plus, my boy Courtney
in Tampa's cousin, Lindsey,
lives down in Champaign
and has a super-tight posse.
He said we can go down there
or they can come up here.
It's all good, Stan.
No, no. No distractions.
I'm here to focus
on my comedy career.
Tomorrow is my first day
at City Second Improv.
Don't worry, Stan.
My boys won't get in the way.
We're just gonna be joshing
around, teasing each other,
sharing our dreams,
building our lives,
and creating memories
that will last a lifetime.
That's if they're willing
to drive up from Champaign,
which they sounded
on the fence about.
♪♪
I'm gonna bury you guys
at improv.
I wrote so much improv.
I got a joke for every location.
Bar, Mission Control,
Grocery Store,
another Mission Control.
Restaurant?
No one's gonna say "restaurant"!
No one's gonna say that!
Welcome to Improv Level One!
After tonight,
you'll see there's no limit
to your comedy dreams
beyond the number of classes
you can afford.
So let's go!
You must quit comedy
immediately.
I'm sorry? You were horrible.
That thing where you kept
pulling your shirt
over your head
and yelling incoherently?
That's Turtle Man!
A very funny character of mine!
Look, I'm not supposed
to discourage anyone.
This theater, like every other
comedy theater in America,
is a pyramid scheme.
There are plenty of jobs
outside of comedy.
Have you ever considered
getting a government job?
Actually I work at the C.I.A.
[ Laughs ] That's pretty funny.
But that's not a joke.
I do work at the C.I.A.
Please leave at once.
What happened?!
My teacher kicked me
out of improv class
after only eight minutes.
Wow, that's fast.
But it's only your
first setback.
And my last. I'm quitting.
But we haven't even had time
to hang with my Champaign Crew.
Stan, this is Lindsey,
Double Dog, and Monty.
Klaus, I don't want to meet
your disgusting friends.
They all look like
Toomgis the Snack Monster.
[ Laughter ]
Holy crap,
this dude's hilarious.
You shouldn't do improv.
You should be a famous
stand-up comedian.
I like these guys.
Seem smart. Stan.
Name's Stan.
Stan Smith.
Why aren't you guys ready?
We're going on that
Deep Dish Pizza Crawl.
Actually we're staying in
and helping
Stan with his comedy.
Why would you want to hang out
with these guys anyway, Klaus?
They look like a bunch
of Toomgises.
[ Laughter ]
You said that one before, Stan!
I'm recycling some of
the classic ones, Klaus.
All the greats do it.
Oh, here's a new joke
I thought of...
Klaus got caught
sneaking a thermos
into the movie theater
and he cried!
[ Laughter ]
Good one, Stan.
Classic joke structure.
I'm going to, uh, go throw
a whiz in the toilet.
[ Whispering ] Francine.
You gotta come get Stan.
He totally crashed and burned
trying to do comedy
and he's too ashamed
to come home.
Francine: Are you not here?
What, no, I'm in Chicago!
I left weeks ago,
when Stan left.
Huh. Now what's this?
Stan's given up on comedy!
He just sits on his ass all day
with these [bleep] idiots,
who are supposed to be
my friends, by the way.
And if you ever want
your husband back,
you got to come get him.
♪♪
So, have you been to
a deli lately?
All this deli meat?
I mean, who needs
this much deli meat?
And that's how I close the show.
[ Laughter ]
[ Doorbell rings ]
Francine,
what are you doing here?
Klaus called me and... Klaus?!
Klaus, you called Francine
to come get me?
What?
No, no, I only called her to
tell her you were doing great.
And I didn't even call her!
So you haven't given up, Stan?
That's great news,
because I felt
terrible about
not supporting you.
Everybody felt terrible
about that.
It was a dark day.
Let me make it up to you.
I want to get you out there.
I'll book you gigs,
be your manager.
Hmm. Would that be stepping
on your toes, Lindsey?
Sorry, I guess my cousin
got in a car accident.
What's going on, Stan?
Hey, you focus on your thing.
Francine's my manager now.
Francine, as I become more
and more successful,
your job will be getting me
roles in Pixar movies
and defending me on Twitter.
Roger: Surf's up, duders!
Stan and Fran are gone.
Time to live a little, guys!
Cowabunga!
Eungh. I'm droppin' in!
Eungh. I'm gonna shoot this!
Eungh.
I'm stayin' upstairs tonight.
Now, this is what the surf
community calls hanging loose.
Honestly, Roger, we're tired
from "livin' a little"
with you all the time.
We're burned out on all
your schemes, heists,
scams, set-ups, misadventures,
and dalliances.
Hmm, I'm starting to think
maybe you did steal
my thesaurus, Steve.
It's just nice to chill
for a change, don't you think?
No, what I do think is maybe you
guys need a change of scenery.
[ Aussie accent ]
And I heard there's a rager
down at Chimdale Harbor.
Name's Dirt Mirklegunk
and I know how to rock!
[ Sour notes play ]
No! No! Stop that.
Hard pass!
Ugh, that is super annoying!
[ Normal voice ]
You're annoying!
You know what, Roger?
Maybe you need a little break
from "livin' a little"
all the time.
You think so?
[ Plays thoughtful chord ]
I don't know. Tell you what,
why don't you
let Hayley and me host you
for a chill night in?
Hmm, and if that sucks,
then we can go live a little?
Maybe. Cool, cool.
By the way, I'm changing my name
from Dirt Murkledunk
to Mirt Dirkledunk.
What's up with electric cars?
Is everything gonna be electric?
What's next? Electric slide?
I prefer my slide to be
gas-powered,
thank you very much.
Hmm. No, that's perfect.
Stan, I got you a gig!
There's a show
at Pizzeria Uno tonight
and they had a comedian cancel.
Tonight? I'd better practice
my funny faces in the mirror!
Your boy's gonna bomb, Francine.
That'd be sad.
Then we'd have to go home
where I get to have all the sex
I want with him.
And where the snacks and TV are.
You want him to bomb!
Yes, Klaus.
You're bad, Francine.
You're a bad lady.
[ Horn honks ]
Hey! Welcome, everybody,
to Pizzeria Uno's comedy night,
"Take My Slice, Cheese."
[ Laughs ] Okay.
Our first comedian is some guy.
Let's give it up for him, huh?
[ Scattered applause ]
Whoo!
Please.
"Some Guy" is my father's name.
So, millennials.
Don't you just wish
they were all dead?
But then who would be
left to play Porkymons?
Man: Boo!
Screw you,
let's see you get up here!
I will as soon as
the ambulance arrives.
Oh, no. Is something wrong?
Yeah! Someone's choking...
on stage!
[ Laughter ] This crowd stinks!
Turtle Man out!
[ Microphone feedback ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Crashing ]
Oh, come on!
He knocked over my pitchers
of Blue Moon!
Goddammit!
Stan, are you okay?
Those are the kinds of shows
that make you want
to give up and move home.
It's okay. You gave it your all.
But I'm not going home!
With your support,
I can do this
for as long as it takes.
Jigga-what?!
You see, I don't want much.
I just want to ascend
the mountain of comedy
and stand atop it alone,
like a hero or a god.
Or something bigger than a god,
a fireball... a firehorse!
Anyone who comes near me
shall be burned.
Is that so much to ask?
I guess not.
Whoo! Look out, world!
Cat!
Yeah, you better run!
[ Cat yowls ]
Uh-oh, Francine, looks like
your support backfired.
You're right.
We're never going home.
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Smith!
The Chinese are trying to kill
"S&L" cast member Colin Jokes.
We need an agent on the inside.
Please tell me you've become
a world-class comedian!
"S&L"?
That's the top of the mountain.
We'd be done.
He'll do it! [ Cellphone beeps ]
You ready to get out of here?
Stan! You got "S&L"!
What? How?
Uh, one of the busboys
was a scout
and thought you were a genius.
Yes! I made it to "S&L"!
And I didn't have to deploy
my best character...
[Peter Griffin voice] Guy who
talks with a crazy voice!
♪♪
So Stan really thinks he's funny
enough to be on "S&L"?
Yeah, and if he finds out
otherwise, it'll destroy him.
So don't say anything
about this being a mission.
But shouldn't he know
the Chinese are trying
to kill Colin Jokes?
Stan's a C.I.A. agent.
If anything happens, his spy
instincts will take over.
Well, he better not mess this up
because I want to go
to the cast afterparty.
I met a girl on Bumble
who claims
she's second cousins
with Pete Davidson
and I want to make sure
she's not a liar.
One extra-hot
Cranberry Juice Cocktail.
Aah!
Alright, I think I'm ready.
There he is!
"S&L" Creator
and Executive Producer
Lorne Mykies!
Stan, I just wanted
to personally thank you.
It's good to know Colin's
going to be safe out there.
He'll be safe, alright.
Safe in a blanket
of warm laughter.
It's wild.
All this just because we made
a couple jokes
about the Chinese government.
I've got some pretty good
Chinese jokes
that aren't
about the government.
Don't worry, I'll only break
'em out if we need 'em.
[ Laughs ]
The C.I.A.
told me you were funny.
Hmm. What do you think he meant
by "the C.I.A.
told me you were funny"?
Who knows? That guy's a weirdo!
All you have to do now is relax
and read the cue cards.
Remember, "S&L" has the funniest
writers in the world.
They do now that I'm here.
That's why I rewrote all the cue
cards with my own punchlines.
What?!
What pen did you use?
And what end did you hold?
♪♪
Don't want to live a little,
huh?
Well, this is the other way
to go.
[ Disembodied scream ]
[ Disembodied scream ]
Damn, what's in this shit?
Rum & Cokes!
Get your rum & Cokes!
I can't drink rum.
Yours doesn't have rum in it.
Which one's mine?
Any one without the "X."
So it's movie night
and we're stayin' in.
Love it.
Tonight's entertainment
is 2017's "The Beguiled,"
about an injured
Union soldier in the South
that comes upon a school
full of women.
Fair warning...
Whenever I watch a movie,
I can't resist making
hilarious little comments.
Beguiled? More like buh...
buh-bullshiiiiiit.
Heh heh heh.
♪♪
You can't start
"Week In Updates"!
Oh, no, it started.
And I totally would have
stopped it for you.
Hello. I'm Colin Jokes.
And I'm Stan Smith.
And this is "Week In Updates."
Honey! Langley Stan!
My buddy from college!
He's done it!
He's ascended the mountain!
Oh, sorry.
Didn't see you'd fallen asleep.
The city of Philadelphia
had quite a mess
on its hands this week
when 80 cows got loose
on the freeway.
When reached for comment,
the Mayor of Philadelphia said,
"Millennials?
Don't you wish
they were all dead?"
But then who would eat
all the avacordo torst?
Tough crowd.
Oh, no, Turtle Man.
Wait, look at Colin Jokes' hand.
A bomb detonator!
Colin Jokes isn't the target.
He's the attacker!
But Stan can't see!
His spy instincts won't kick in!
We've got to do something!
[ Canned laughter ]
They love me.
Riiiight.
[ Gasps ] Spy instincts!
Aah!
[ Grunting ]
♪♪
[ Audience gasps ]
♪♪
[ Bomb beeping ]
♪♪
[ Audience sighs in relief ]
I've heard of a comedian
bombing, but this is ridiculous.
[ Canned laughter ]
♪♪
Wow, pretty good for a movie
with no dinosaurs,
don't ya think?
Sleepy heads countin' sheep.
Don't worry.
Uncle Roger'll clean up
all the cups and poison.
[ Gasps ] The poison!
To the hospital!
[ Door opens ]
♪♪
Did they find
the real Colin Jokes?
He was tied up
in his dressing room.
Turns out the Chinese were only
after tonight's
musical guest, Pitbull.
I guess China's President is
in a legal battle
with him
over the title of Mr. Worldwide.
I should really get on the horn
with Beijing,
see if I can smooth things over.
Stan, I want to thank you again
for saving the show.
You got it.
Anything for the almighty laugh.
And you know what
the weird part is?
It felt just like being
on a mission.
I'm normally a C.I.A. agent.
Haha! That's funny.
You're funny.
You hear that, Francine?
Lorne Mykies said I was funny.
How's the view from the top
of the mountain?
Majestic.
But you know, the most fun I had
out there
was disarming that bomb
and beating that man to a pulp.
Maybe it's time to go back home
and work at the C.I.A. again.
That sounds wonderful, Stan.
Now let's get home.
Feels like I haven't seen
Toshi and the gang in forever.
Wh-What happened?
Why are we in the hospital?
No one knows.
Doctors aren't ruling out
poison, though.
And the tests all say
that's definitely what it was.
Which is probably why...
the boys in blue
have been contacted.
So I gotta mosey.
The important thing?
Remember to live a little,
right?
Can't thumb your nose at life.
[ Crashes ] [ Grunts ]
Rope was too long!
And not tied to anything?!
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
Drink!
Three of clubs.
Drink! Drink!
I forget, which cards
don't we drink on?
Don't worry, I took them
out of the deck.
Stan: Francine!
Francine!
Francine!
Francine!
Chicago Dave!
That's Chicago Dave!
My buddy from college!
He's ascended the mountain,
Francine!
A real mountain?
Like Mount Everlast?
Or Mount Killamandingo?
What? No.
He's writing movies
for Reese Witherspoon!
What's the best part of writing
a movie for Reese Witherspoon?
Easy. Meeting Reese Witherspoon.
Obviously.
I'm so embarrassed I even asked.
Dave moved to Chicago.
Joined the world-famous
City Second improv troupe
where he was plucked
to join the cast
of "Sketches and Laughing,"
a.k.a. "S-and-L"!
And now he's writing
Reese Witherspoon movies.
What's your point, Stan?
My point is that man
could have been me.
Roger: [ Slurring ]
I flipped another card!
[ Crashing ]
Great, I'm missing
the end of the game.
It's a red one!
Ugh, that's a drink one, Stan.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good... ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
Chicago Dave is living
the best life a human can.
And you went to college
with him.
I more than went to college
with him.
A little backstory is needed.
Ugh.
It was the summer
of 21 years ago...
The start of my senior year
of college.
I was ready to take the throne
as Funniest Student
in the School of Government.
But what I didn't know
was someone else
had eyes on the same prize.
What are two examples
of a Republic?
Uh, Disneyland and Narnia.
[ Laughter ]
Uh, my butt and balls.
[ Louder laughter ]
Okay, shut up, shut up!
We're trying to learn
government here!
Stan: We became a team.
By winter break we were known
more for our comedy
than our schoolwork,
which we had stopped doing.
...which led to rules
governing search and seizure...
Seizure? I barely know her!
[ Laughter ]
Checks and balances?
More like cheeks and ball-ances!
[ Laughter ]
I didn't even say checks
and balances!
Promise me you will never accept
any sort of government job.
And do what instead?
Comedy? Sure.
I despise comedy,
so that would be great.
Except for Mark Russell,
the political pianist.
You guys familiar?
What do you say, Stan?
Ya wanna move to Chicago
and chase this dragon?
Russell: ♪ Ross Perot,
he's an independent hero! ♪
♪ Giant sucking sound,
was a total zero! ♪
[ Laughing ]
Stan:
There was only one problem.
I can't go.
I'm too afraid.
Come on, Stan. I can't go alone.
I need someone to talk to
on the drive.
Oh, wait.
Never mind! Bye!
Have fun living a life of fear!
He moved to Chicago without me.
Never talked to him again.
Tried to get in touch,
but who can touch
a shooting star?
You can't even touch
a regular star, Stan.
They're suns.
If I'd just gotten
in that Fiero,
I'd be a famous comedian.
[ Laughs ]
What? How?
You're not funny.
[ Gasps ] Tha... bha...
tha... bha...
I'm a funny guy!
That's what I identify as.
Stan Smith... Funny. Guy.
[ Chuckles ]
I honestly don't know
if you're joking right now.
It's always so hard
to tell with you.
Are you being crazy right now?
Kids!
[ Scraping ]
Not you, Klaus.
Your Dad just said
he's a funny guy.
[ Both laugh ]
That's a funny thing
to say, Dad.
That's not like you.
It wasn't a joke!
Here's a joke...
Have you seen these teens
eating their Tide Pods?
What the heck?
Those are for dishwashers.
Boo.
Stan, the last good joke
you made was Steve!
Nice, Mom!
You burned Dad and Steve.
Unlike Dad,
who's had 14 years to burn me
and never once scored.
Never once scored...
Kinda like Steve!
Oh, ho! Wow!
You see that, Dad?
That's how you roast Steve.
[ Clattering ]
What the hell, Stan?
I'm out. Moving to Chicago.
Gonna prove the haters wrong.
What about work?
I told Bullock that when
I was young,
I dreamt of being a comedian
and how I chickened out.
He instantly granted me
Regret Leave,
which was a surprise considering
we're basically
getting ass-slammed
by China round the clock.
Why don't you just take
an improv class
at the Learning Attic?
Why would I listen to anything
you have to say?
You're my number-one hater.
You've never supported
my comedy.
Come on, is this real?
How long do you plan to be gone?
As long as it takes.
Maybe even longer.
Goodbye, Francine.
Lemme know how
the kids turn out!
♪ Standing tall,
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall,
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder,
the hmm and muhmuh ♪
♪ Um buh for better days!
♪ It's my life and my dream
♪ Nothing's going
to stop me now ♪
♪♪
Wow.
This is what I missed out
on 21 years ago.
Klaus?! Klaus!
Baaa-haaaa!
You didn't think I'd let you
move to Chi-Town solo, did you?
Plus, my boy Courtney
in Tampa's cousin, Lindsey,
lives down in Champaign
and has a super-tight posse.
He said we can go down there
or they can come up here.
It's all good, Stan.
No, no. No distractions.
I'm here to focus
on my comedy career.
Tomorrow is my first day
at City Second Improv.
Don't worry, Stan.
My boys won't get in the way.
We're just gonna be joshing
around, teasing each other,
sharing our dreams,
building our lives,
and creating memories
that will last a lifetime.
That's if they're willing
to drive up from Champaign,
which they sounded
on the fence about.
♪♪
I'm gonna bury you guys
at improv.
I wrote so much improv.
I got a joke for every location.
Bar, Mission Control,
Grocery Store,
another Mission Control.
Restaurant?
No one's gonna say "restaurant"!
No one's gonna say that!
Welcome to Improv Level One!
After tonight,
you'll see there's no limit
to your comedy dreams
beyond the number of classes
you can afford.
So let's go!
You must quit comedy
immediately.
I'm sorry? You were horrible.
That thing where you kept
pulling your shirt
over your head
and yelling incoherently?
That's Turtle Man!
A very funny character of mine!
Look, I'm not supposed
to discourage anyone.
This theater, like every other
comedy theater in America,
is a pyramid scheme.
There are plenty of jobs
outside of comedy.
Have you ever considered
getting a government job?
Actually I work at the C.I.A.
[ Laughs ] That's pretty funny.
But that's not a joke.
I do work at the C.I.A.
Please leave at once.
What happened?!
My teacher kicked me
out of improv class
after only eight minutes.
Wow, that's fast.
But it's only your
first setback.
And my last. I'm quitting.
But we haven't even had time
to hang with my Champaign Crew.
Stan, this is Lindsey,
Double Dog, and Monty.
Klaus, I don't want to meet
your disgusting friends.
They all look like
Toomgis the Snack Monster.
[ Laughter ]
Holy crap,
this dude's hilarious.
You shouldn't do improv.
You should be a famous
stand-up comedian.
I like these guys.
Seem smart. Stan.
Name's Stan.
Stan Smith.
Why aren't you guys ready?
We're going on that
Deep Dish Pizza Crawl.
Actually we're staying in
and helping
Stan with his comedy.
Why would you want to hang out
with these guys anyway, Klaus?
They look like a bunch
of Toomgises.
[ Laughter ]
You said that one before, Stan!
I'm recycling some of
the classic ones, Klaus.
All the greats do it.
Oh, here's a new joke
I thought of...
Klaus got caught
sneaking a thermos
into the movie theater
and he cried!
[ Laughter ]
Good one, Stan.
Classic joke structure.
I'm going to, uh, go throw
a whiz in the toilet.
[ Whispering ] Francine.
You gotta come get Stan.
He totally crashed and burned
trying to do comedy
and he's too ashamed
to come home.
Francine: Are you not here?
What, no, I'm in Chicago!
I left weeks ago,
when Stan left.
Huh. Now what's this?
Stan's given up on comedy!
He just sits on his ass all day
with these [bleep] idiots,
who are supposed to be
my friends, by the way.
And if you ever want
your husband back,
you got to come get him.
♪♪
So, have you been to
a deli lately?
All this deli meat?
I mean, who needs
this much deli meat?
And that's how I close the show.
[ Laughter ]
[ Doorbell rings ]
Francine,
what are you doing here?
Klaus called me and... Klaus?!
Klaus, you called Francine
to come get me?
What?
No, no, I only called her to
tell her you were doing great.
And I didn't even call her!
So you haven't given up, Stan?
That's great news,
because I felt
terrible about
not supporting you.
Everybody felt terrible
about that.
It was a dark day.
Let me make it up to you.
I want to get you out there.
I'll book you gigs,
be your manager.
Hmm. Would that be stepping
on your toes, Lindsey?
Sorry, I guess my cousin
got in a car accident.
What's going on, Stan?
Hey, you focus on your thing.
Francine's my manager now.
Francine, as I become more
and more successful,
your job will be getting me
roles in Pixar movies
and defending me on Twitter.
Roger: Surf's up, duders!
Stan and Fran are gone.
Time to live a little, guys!
Cowabunga!
Eungh. I'm droppin' in!
Eungh. I'm gonna shoot this!
Eungh.
I'm stayin' upstairs tonight.
Now, this is what the surf
community calls hanging loose.
Honestly, Roger, we're tired
from "livin' a little"
with you all the time.
We're burned out on all
your schemes, heists,
scams, set-ups, misadventures,
and dalliances.
Hmm, I'm starting to think
maybe you did steal
my thesaurus, Steve.
It's just nice to chill
for a change, don't you think?
No, what I do think is maybe you
guys need a change of scenery.
[ Aussie accent ]
And I heard there's a rager
down at Chimdale Harbor.
Name's Dirt Mirklegunk
and I know how to rock!
[ Sour notes play ]
No! No! Stop that.
Hard pass!
Ugh, that is super annoying!
[ Normal voice ]
You're annoying!
You know what, Roger?
Maybe you need a little break
from "livin' a little"
all the time.
You think so?
[ Plays thoughtful chord ]
I don't know. Tell you what,
why don't you
let Hayley and me host you
for a chill night in?
Hmm, and if that sucks,
then we can go live a little?
Maybe. Cool, cool.
By the way, I'm changing my name
from Dirt Murkledunk
to Mirt Dirkledunk.
What's up with electric cars?
Is everything gonna be electric?
What's next? Electric slide?
I prefer my slide to be
gas-powered,
thank you very much.
Hmm. No, that's perfect.
Stan, I got you a gig!
There's a show
at Pizzeria Uno tonight
and they had a comedian cancel.
Tonight? I'd better practice
my funny faces in the mirror!
Your boy's gonna bomb, Francine.
That'd be sad.
Then we'd have to go home
where I get to have all the sex
I want with him.
And where the snacks and TV are.
You want him to bomb!
Yes, Klaus.
You're bad, Francine.
You're a bad lady.
[ Horn honks ]
Hey! Welcome, everybody,
to Pizzeria Uno's comedy night,
"Take My Slice, Cheese."
[ Laughs ] Okay.
Our first comedian is some guy.
Let's give it up for him, huh?
[ Scattered applause ]
Whoo!
Please.
"Some Guy" is my father's name.
So, millennials.
Don't you just wish
they were all dead?
But then who would be
left to play Porkymons?
Man: Boo!
Screw you,
let's see you get up here!
I will as soon as
the ambulance arrives.
Oh, no. Is something wrong?
Yeah! Someone's choking...
on stage!
[ Laughter ] This crowd stinks!
Turtle Man out!
[ Microphone feedback ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Crashing ]
Oh, come on!
He knocked over my pitchers
of Blue Moon!
Goddammit!
Stan, are you okay?
Those are the kinds of shows
that make you want
to give up and move home.
It's okay. You gave it your all.
But I'm not going home!
With your support,
I can do this
for as long as it takes.
Jigga-what?!
You see, I don't want much.
I just want to ascend
the mountain of comedy
and stand atop it alone,
like a hero or a god.
Or something bigger than a god,
a fireball... a firehorse!
Anyone who comes near me
shall be burned.
Is that so much to ask?
I guess not.
Whoo! Look out, world!
Cat!
Yeah, you better run!
[ Cat yowls ]
Uh-oh, Francine, looks like
your support backfired.
You're right.
We're never going home.
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Smith!
The Chinese are trying to kill
"S&L" cast member Colin Jokes.
We need an agent on the inside.
Please tell me you've become
a world-class comedian!
"S&L"?
That's the top of the mountain.
We'd be done.
He'll do it! [ Cellphone beeps ]
You ready to get out of here?
Stan! You got "S&L"!
What? How?
Uh, one of the busboys
was a scout
and thought you were a genius.
Yes! I made it to "S&L"!
And I didn't have to deploy
my best character...
[Peter Griffin voice] Guy who
talks with a crazy voice!
♪♪
So Stan really thinks he's funny
enough to be on "S&L"?
Yeah, and if he finds out
otherwise, it'll destroy him.
So don't say anything
about this being a mission.
But shouldn't he know
the Chinese are trying
to kill Colin Jokes?
Stan's a C.I.A. agent.
If anything happens, his spy
instincts will take over.
Well, he better not mess this up
because I want to go
to the cast afterparty.
I met a girl on Bumble
who claims
she's second cousins
with Pete Davidson
and I want to make sure
she's not a liar.
One extra-hot
Cranberry Juice Cocktail.
Aah!
Alright, I think I'm ready.
There he is!
"S&L" Creator
and Executive Producer
Lorne Mykies!
Stan, I just wanted
to personally thank you.
It's good to know Colin's
going to be safe out there.
He'll be safe, alright.
Safe in a blanket
of warm laughter.
It's wild.
All this just because we made
a couple jokes
about the Chinese government.
I've got some pretty good
Chinese jokes
that aren't
about the government.
Don't worry, I'll only break
'em out if we need 'em.
[ Laughs ]
The C.I.A.
told me you were funny.
Hmm. What do you think he meant
by "the C.I.A.
told me you were funny"?
Who knows? That guy's a weirdo!
All you have to do now is relax
and read the cue cards.
Remember, "S&L" has the funniest
writers in the world.
They do now that I'm here.
That's why I rewrote all the cue
cards with my own punchlines.
What?!
What pen did you use?
And what end did you hold?
♪♪
Don't want to live a little,
huh?
Well, this is the other way
to go.
[ Disembodied scream ]
[ Disembodied scream ]
Damn, what's in this shit?
Rum & Cokes!
Get your rum & Cokes!
I can't drink rum.
Yours doesn't have rum in it.
Which one's mine?
Any one without the "X."
So it's movie night
and we're stayin' in.
Love it.
Tonight's entertainment
is 2017's "The Beguiled,"
about an injured
Union soldier in the South
that comes upon a school
full of women.
Fair warning...
Whenever I watch a movie,
I can't resist making
hilarious little comments.
Beguiled? More like buh...
buh-bullshiiiiiit.
Heh heh heh.
♪♪
You can't start
"Week In Updates"!
Oh, no, it started.
And I totally would have
stopped it for you.
Hello. I'm Colin Jokes.
And I'm Stan Smith.
And this is "Week In Updates."
Honey! Langley Stan!
My buddy from college!
He's done it!
He's ascended the mountain!
Oh, sorry.
Didn't see you'd fallen asleep.
The city of Philadelphia
had quite a mess
on its hands this week
when 80 cows got loose
on the freeway.
When reached for comment,
the Mayor of Philadelphia said,
"Millennials?
Don't you wish
they were all dead?"
But then who would eat
all the avacordo torst?
Tough crowd.
Oh, no, Turtle Man.
Wait, look at Colin Jokes' hand.
A bomb detonator!
Colin Jokes isn't the target.
He's the attacker!
But Stan can't see!
His spy instincts won't kick in!
We've got to do something!
[ Canned laughter ]
They love me.
Riiiight.
[ Gasps ] Spy instincts!
Aah!
[ Grunting ]
♪♪
[ Audience gasps ]
♪♪
[ Bomb beeping ]
♪♪
[ Audience sighs in relief ]
I've heard of a comedian
bombing, but this is ridiculous.
[ Canned laughter ]
♪♪
Wow, pretty good for a movie
with no dinosaurs,
don't ya think?
Sleepy heads countin' sheep.
Don't worry.
Uncle Roger'll clean up
all the cups and poison.
[ Gasps ] The poison!
To the hospital!
[ Door opens ]
♪♪
Did they find
the real Colin Jokes?
He was tied up
in his dressing room.
Turns out the Chinese were only
after tonight's
musical guest, Pitbull.
I guess China's President is
in a legal battle
with him
over the title of Mr. Worldwide.
I should really get on the horn
with Beijing,
see if I can smooth things over.
Stan, I want to thank you again
for saving the show.
You got it.
Anything for the almighty laugh.
And you know what
the weird part is?
It felt just like being
on a mission.
I'm normally a C.I.A. agent.
Haha! That's funny.
You're funny.
You hear that, Francine?
Lorne Mykies said I was funny.
How's the view from the top
of the mountain?
Majestic.
But you know, the most fun I had
out there
was disarming that bomb
and beating that man to a pulp.
Maybe it's time to go back home
and work at the C.I.A. again.
That sounds wonderful, Stan.
Now let's get home.
Feels like I haven't seen
Toshi and the gang in forever.
Wh-What happened?
Why are we in the hospital?
No one knows.
Doctors aren't ruling out
poison, though.
And the tests all say
that's definitely what it was.
Which is probably why...
the boys in blue
have been contacted.
So I gotta mosey.
The important thing?
Remember to live a little,
right?
Can't thumb your nose at life.
[ Crashes ] [ Grunts ]
Rope was too long!
And not tied to anything?!
Bye! Have a beautiful time!