American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 11 - Hot Scoomp - full transcript
Hayley searches for guidance and instead finds a community of "cool butts."
And so I thought I'd give.
Investigative
journalism a whirl.
Well, get a hot scoop,
follow some leads,
Write an expose.
Do I... Know you?
Hayley smith. Remember the name.
I'm gonna be a
famous journalist,
Really blow the
lid off something.
Not sure what yet.
but, hey,
that's what the class is for,
Nahwhatimeanbrah?
Ow.
Stomp the presses.
Cool butt. Congratulations.
Journalism. Is. Dead.
This class is
mainly gonna focus.
On picking out the best
gifs for listicles.
That's what journalism is now.
oh, no!
Aah!
Mmm! Oh, my god, franny.
Are you kidding me
with this watermelon?
Does anyone love
watermelon more than us?
Is this the best day
of our whole lives?
Mmm. You gonna say
something or...?
watermelon?
I'm too depressed.
Okay. Mmm.
It's just that, I was really
excited about journalism.
But my professor said
journalism's dead.
W-What do you think?
Should I continue
or just give up?
you could continue,
You could give up...
Right. T-that's what I'm asking.
I mean, should I
look for a story?
Or should I drop the class?
Any way you want it,
that's the way you need it.
Any way you want it.
You're not saying anything.
I-I want your advice.
Hello?
Beans? In a salad?
Okay...
Are you pretending
to be on the phone?
Cool.
Well, I'm gonna go
get high in my room.
At 2:00 p.M. On a Wednesday.
Do you have any
thoughts on that?
Wednesday... it's not
spelled how it sounds.
Ugh!
Mmm.
The was that? My
parenting style, baby!
You know my philosophy...
"benevolent neglect."
I don't know.
As a mother, you can't
be there all the time.
Eventually, you're
going to let her down.
So how do you
prepare her for that?
By letting her down
early and often.
So, you're saying you're
not gonna be there for her.
Yes. And that's for her, ya dig?
Ow! I dig, I dig!
What's mrs s's problem?
My babe is lost.
Just give my babe some
guidance.
Maybe I'm not lost.
And maybe my professor is wrong.
And maybe I already know
everything about journalism.
Been saying that
about you for years.
I'm just gonna look for a story.
That last hit was a mistake.
I can see that now.
I'm too high.
me too, babe!
Maybe my
story's about clouds.
Like, how... Where
are they sometimes?
Is this something?
I have a worm in my mouth.
"Something to do with clouds."
Something to do with bubbles?
We should've brought a car.
Stomp the presses.
Jeff, I have been noticing.
A lot of cool butts
in town recently.
My reporter's instinct
is telling me.
To follow 'em,
find their source.
I'm gonna follow
a different lead.
Eat me, red spaghetti!
Hg.
Huh. But what does it stand for?
Holy grail!
Stomp the premsses!
I got a hot scoomp!
But I'll have to go undercover.
I'm just a regular hayley.
My hat's in the dumpster.
Okay...
Did you need to
sign up for a class?
'Cause she's about to start.
Who she? Holly?
Hg? The queen of dance cardio?
Hello? Hello.
We specialize in
the holly method,
The only technique proven
to make you a new you.
The first class is free.
We will need a
credit card, though.
The class itself is free.
What you get from
the class costs $500.
That's too high of a money!
This is an expensive gym
where people have good butts.
I don't think that's
a story. Damn.
Woman: You look lost.
Well, you look...
A-ma-ma-ma-mazing.
You reek of weed.
It's the middle of the day.
It's Wednesday.
Do you have any
thoughts on that?
It's not spelled how it sounds?
You're lost. I just
said so myself.
But I can help.
You need someone to
tell you what to do.
You need me.
Yes.
Yes, what? Yes, mommy.
You did it.
You said the right answer.
We gotta confuse the
muscles to get results.
When I say leg, I mean bicep.
Just follow me.
I am in charge of your body now.
Gimme an amen.
Amen!
Good.
Sip some agua,
grab some protein,
Get those bank routing
numbers to lindsay,
And let's get back out there.
Oh, hey, hayley.
How's journalism class going?
Mom, I dropped that
class months ago.
I am a one-class-at-a-time
kind of person.
And right now, it's five
workout classes a day,
Seven days a week.
But only one class at a time.
that's a
physical limitation I have.
Can't be in two classes at once.
And I would if I could,
and hg knows that.
She gets that I'm dedicated.
She hasn't said it, but
sometimes I can feel.
Her eyes graze over me,
And I feel oceans of
approval and love.
One day, I am gonna get a dmt.
That stands for
distressed muscle tank.
The dmts get to
work out next to hg.
I just gotta put in the
time, keep getting better.
I'm gonna go fill up my mattress
with ice and rest up for later.
So, hayley's in a cult.
Yeah, an exercise cult.
No. It's a real cult, roger.
Like jonestown
with ankle weights.
And I should know.
I've been in more
cults than anyone.
Remind me?
stan: Francine!
Is that the scrapbook I hear?
I don't have my keys!
I left them in the car
when I rolled out of it!
Scrapbook! Scrapbook?
oh, shit!
Scrapbook! Yay!
Oh, wow. Remember this?
I liked wearing all the
red and orange clothes.
Oh, this was this vegan one.
We ate so much spelt.
Some people had a lot
of sex with the guy.
Those cupcakes ended
up being poisoned.
Still have those
nikes somewhere.
Honey, you might fall for
cults, but let's be real...
Cults also fall for you.
Frann-ay!
Always skyrocketing right
into the inner circle.
True.
I'm either a right-hand
man or a high-up wife.
Oh, god, and there's
me on the altar.
You were gonna sacrifice me.
But then the knife broke!
Ah! That was fun. I needed that.
But I gotta get back to it.
Same.
Yeah, it's a big
time of year for me.
You've been in a lot of
cults. I remember now.
Yeah, cults are really fun,
But I have a sixth-sense
about when the fun is over.
You know, when there's
gonna be a fbi raid.
Or mass soo-ey, or
blend up beavers.
And put it in the
town's water supply.
Cool.
How and why did we get
into this convo again?
Hayley is in a cult. Riiight.
You gonna help her get out?
I'm not helping her.
She's gotta get out
by herself because...
Benevolent neglect!
Speaking of which, you know
what I neglect sometimes?
My own needs.
That's not a joke.
It's something sad.
Whooooo! Let's do this!
What's going on?
Hg: Everyone huddle
up for a second.
We're having a bit of a problem.
The fire marshall's
been sniffing around.
He wants to do an "inspection,".
And we all know what that means.
He's gonna come in here
and try to shut us down.
Guns?
They have to be worth $600 each!
And you're just
giving them to us?
Is this real?
Hey, girl, what that?
It's my gym gun.
Anyway, I'm just here to
grab some extra clothes.
And all of my
important documents.
I'm gonna be living at
the gym from now on,
For maximum readiness.
Honey, what if, just like,
as a readiness exercise,
I said, don't go
live at the gym?
I'd call you a cv and
tell you to suck my butt.
And a cv is...?
A commitment vampire.
It's the worst thing you can be.
Cool. Perfect answer.
Looks like the fun
is over at hg studio.
Unfortunately, hayley
doesn't seem to have.
My sense of cult timing.
I'm gonna have to
help get her out.
What happened to
benevolent neglect?
Too late for benevolent neglect!
We've got a new plan.
It's called...
Francine's plan.
Keep the car running.
I'll be right out.
Vroom vroom.
Mom?!
Did I inspire you?
Yeah.
Let me just say, you
have amazing taste.
I wish the first cult I
ever joined was this nice.
Not a cult. It's a great space.
I'm seeing a
super-charismatic leader.
The inner circle
has sick-ass tanks.
Dmts.
Primo cult, for
sure. Damn right.
But shit is about to go down.
We have to get you
out of here right now.
Okay, suck my butt.
Since when do you
have advice for me?
We will deprogram you later,
but for now, just listen.
The schematics show a
window in the bathroom.
We're gonna slip out.
Roger is waiting outside
with the car running.
There was a funny
smell in the car,
And I couldn't get
the windows down.
Had to use that
hammer to get out.
The little hammer for if
you drive into a river?
Anyway, have you seen hg?
I'm all in, franny.
All. In.
Roger gets it!
And you're a cv.
And I have to report
any cv behavior.
Hg! Hg!
Hg, I love you!
Do you see me, hg?
First day, hg! Very
impressive, yes?
Hi, ladies! Fire marshall here.
I'm just gonna take
a quick looky-loo,
And I will be out of your hair.
Fire marshall?
Fire marshall bill!
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
Remember that? Oh,
my god, so funny.
I'm honored you all have taken
such an interest in my work!
Hmm. All the windows
are sealed shut.
That's gonna be a no-go.
No one's getting out
of there in a hurry.
I'm not lovin' that.
Whoa. Loose floorboard?
when I was a kid,
My grandma tripped on
a loose floorboard.
And fell on her butt.
It was so embarrassing!
I'm gonna have to
close this place down.
Just leave!
No one shuts us down
over a loose floorboard!
aah!
Ah! My tiny gun went off!
Y-you shot me in the tummy!
- oh, my god!
Woman: What do we do?
Everything is okay.
This needed to happen.
It was necessary.
It had to happen, hg.
Here's the good news...
This brought us to phase two.
Just a little
sooner than planned.
Yeah, phase two, hg.
This new woman...
What's your name?
Hg? No.
Then britney m.
Welcome to the inner circle.
Two tosses for britney m.
Yay!
In 20 minutes, we're
gonna load up the buses,
Head to the airfield,
and take off.
For our remote studio location
in the jungles of the congo.
Everyone have your passports?
Just kidding. We
have your passports.
Ugh! Don't worry.
We have your passports.
I'm part of the "we."
You saw what I saw.
There's still time.
We can't leave the
country with these people.
You're right. That was crazy.
I wanna go home.
Just follow me behind the
bus, and then start running.
Good work, francine.
What are you doing?!
Betraying you, getting
a cool tank top.
It looks great on you, francine.
You've got the good
shoulders for it.
So do I, though.
And up and back and kick,
Front, table top, extend.
I mean, I love hg, but
what you did was savage.
Sold out your own kid for a dmt.
My voice is the only
voice I should hear.
Sorry, hg.
I mean, I
get it. I shot a guy.
But I'm like you... I don't
even feel bad about it.
Shhhh! Britney m.
almost done, hg.
And she's fine. She's in
non-prison confinement.
I don't wanna go to non-prison,
but hayley's probably okay.
Oh, god. Ooof.
I know. It's really hot
in here, right? Shhhh!
And then, I put a little bit
of mint, banana, a green apple.
Sometimes.
It's packed with,
like, everything...
Flax, chia, fish oil,
cbd oil, coconut oil,
Olive oil, pennzoil...
It's very oily.
Don't spill it, because
you'll be cleaning.
For the rest of the morning.
But you'll have crazy energy
if you get any in your mouth.
How long do I have
to be in here?
Until you're ready
to dance again.
You mean I can just
go back to class?
Sure.
But if you are gonna
make the smoothie,
Do not smoke for up
to 36 hours after.
You will explode.
Hayley, I'm so sorry.
I never should have betrayed
you for this tank top,
Even though I look amazing.
We gotta get out
of here, for real.
I shouldn't trust you.
Okay, meet me
tonight. I know a way.
Also, I figured out which one
of the girls has the bad b.O.
It's me.
Just a little further.
Ah, here it is!
You see, hg? I told you!
She's the real cv!
Hayley!
Oh, what, mom?
I wanna be in the inner circle.
I feel really left out!
I'll take my dmt now, thank you.
You better watch your back!
That dmt is mine.
No, that dmt is mine, actually.
You two are a lot of trouble,
And I don't have time for this.
You're both going to non-prison.
- What?!
- What?!
Ooooh! You made mommy maaaaad.
Shh! You talk too much.
a criticism!
a flying caterpillar!
What is wrong with us?
It's not us.
It's the cult.
We're brainwashed.
Yeah, but we're the ones
who decided to join a cult.
That's true.
Why do I keep joining cults?
What is that about?
Maybe it has something
to do with my mom.
She was always telling me
what to do, what to think.
I hated it!
But maybe on some level,
I keep looking to re-create it?
I think it's the
opposite for me.
I was dying for someone
to tell me what to do,
Or at least just
give me some advice.
I'd like you to be that person.
I'm sorry.
I just didn't want
to be like my mom.
You're not your mom.
But I do need you to be my mom.
I can do that.
Should we start a
coup against hg?
Are you ready for
my motherly advice?
Yes.
Let's dance.
Listen up, ladies!
I've been in a lot
of cults in my life,
And I know what's up.
Hg acts like a god, but
she's just a person.
A very hot, charismatic person.
With a great exercise regimen.
That gives us confidence.
And the direction that
we need in our lives,
And cool butts that look like
two stuck-together onions!
All: Yay!
No! No.
She means, hg is a bad person.
And we're all brainwashed!
She's got us exercising in
a jungle for 10 hours a day!
Let's band together
and get out of here!
And she keeps shushing
me. It's so rude.
What's with all the
loose floorboards?
Okay, she's not even hurt.
What gives?
The bullets went
right through her!
She is a god!
Oh, shit, she is!
My bad, hg!
Kneel before me.
And remember to
activate your core.
As you beg for my forgiveness.
Huh?
Uh, eyes up.
My butt is up here.
She's not a god!
She's not even a person!
She's a hologram!
Uh... Occupado?
It's a big, gross man!
On a toilet.
Eating oysters?
Out of a garbage bag?
Oh, look who it
is... Scoomby-doo.
So, holly was a hologram.
Hg equals holly graham.
You figured it out.
Come on, it's
funny! It's a joke.
You guys should smile
more, by the way.
Yikes, dude. What is your deal?
My deal?
No one ever asked the wizard
of oz what his deal was.
He could sit behind a
curtain, spying on munkins,
And I can't ogle women
through one-way glass?
I've committed no crimes here.
Why do I discard the
shells into the same sack
I take the fresh ones out of?
Uh, I frustrate myself.
I should get two sacks.
Sometimes you
gotta swish around.
And look for the
loosies at the bottom.
Oooh! Jackpot!
Ugh! Oh, that was a loogie.
I should not be spitting
my loogies in there.
See?! You think I'm disgusting.
This is why I need to
hide behind the mirror.
In the first place!
You never would have just
let me steal your money.
So I could watch
you dance all day.
While I sit on my little toilet,
Digging through my garbage
bag full of oysters.
I had to
be smart about it.
I see. You're all on
your periods or whatever.
Ooh! Ooh!
I never should have
made you so strong!
One last request... Put
me back on the toilet.
I wanna die with dignity!
Suck our butts! Suck our butts!
Buh-bye! See you soon.
Investigative
journalism a whirl.
Well, get a hot scoop,
follow some leads,
Write an expose.
Do I... Know you?
Hayley smith. Remember the name.
I'm gonna be a
famous journalist,
Really blow the
lid off something.
Not sure what yet.
but, hey,
that's what the class is for,
Nahwhatimeanbrah?
Ow.
Stomp the presses.
Cool butt. Congratulations.
Journalism. Is. Dead.
This class is
mainly gonna focus.
On picking out the best
gifs for listicles.
That's what journalism is now.
oh, no!
Aah!
Mmm! Oh, my god, franny.
Are you kidding me
with this watermelon?
Does anyone love
watermelon more than us?
Is this the best day
of our whole lives?
Mmm. You gonna say
something or...?
watermelon?
I'm too depressed.
Okay. Mmm.
It's just that, I was really
excited about journalism.
But my professor said
journalism's dead.
W-What do you think?
Should I continue
or just give up?
you could continue,
You could give up...
Right. T-that's what I'm asking.
I mean, should I
look for a story?
Or should I drop the class?
Any way you want it,
that's the way you need it.
Any way you want it.
You're not saying anything.
I-I want your advice.
Hello?
Beans? In a salad?
Okay...
Are you pretending
to be on the phone?
Cool.
Well, I'm gonna go
get high in my room.
At 2:00 p.M. On a Wednesday.
Do you have any
thoughts on that?
Wednesday... it's not
spelled how it sounds.
Ugh!
Mmm.
The was that? My
parenting style, baby!
You know my philosophy...
"benevolent neglect."
I don't know.
As a mother, you can't
be there all the time.
Eventually, you're
going to let her down.
So how do you
prepare her for that?
By letting her down
early and often.
So, you're saying you're
not gonna be there for her.
Yes. And that's for her, ya dig?
Ow! I dig, I dig!
What's mrs s's problem?
My babe is lost.
Just give my babe some
guidance.
Maybe I'm not lost.
And maybe my professor is wrong.
And maybe I already know
everything about journalism.
Been saying that
about you for years.
I'm just gonna look for a story.
That last hit was a mistake.
I can see that now.
I'm too high.
me too, babe!
Maybe my
story's about clouds.
Like, how... Where
are they sometimes?
Is this something?
I have a worm in my mouth.
"Something to do with clouds."
Something to do with bubbles?
We should've brought a car.
Stomp the presses.
Jeff, I have been noticing.
A lot of cool butts
in town recently.
My reporter's instinct
is telling me.
To follow 'em,
find their source.
I'm gonna follow
a different lead.
Eat me, red spaghetti!
Hg.
Huh. But what does it stand for?
Holy grail!
Stomp the premsses!
I got a hot scoomp!
But I'll have to go undercover.
I'm just a regular hayley.
My hat's in the dumpster.
Okay...
Did you need to
sign up for a class?
'Cause she's about to start.
Who she? Holly?
Hg? The queen of dance cardio?
Hello? Hello.
We specialize in
the holly method,
The only technique proven
to make you a new you.
The first class is free.
We will need a
credit card, though.
The class itself is free.
What you get from
the class costs $500.
That's too high of a money!
This is an expensive gym
where people have good butts.
I don't think that's
a story. Damn.
Woman: You look lost.
Well, you look...
A-ma-ma-ma-mazing.
You reek of weed.
It's the middle of the day.
It's Wednesday.
Do you have any
thoughts on that?
It's not spelled how it sounds?
You're lost. I just
said so myself.
But I can help.
You need someone to
tell you what to do.
You need me.
Yes.
Yes, what? Yes, mommy.
You did it.
You said the right answer.
We gotta confuse the
muscles to get results.
When I say leg, I mean bicep.
Just follow me.
I am in charge of your body now.
Gimme an amen.
Amen!
Good.
Sip some agua,
grab some protein,
Get those bank routing
numbers to lindsay,
And let's get back out there.
Oh, hey, hayley.
How's journalism class going?
Mom, I dropped that
class months ago.
I am a one-class-at-a-time
kind of person.
And right now, it's five
workout classes a day,
Seven days a week.
But only one class at a time.
that's a
physical limitation I have.
Can't be in two classes at once.
And I would if I could,
and hg knows that.
She gets that I'm dedicated.
She hasn't said it, but
sometimes I can feel.
Her eyes graze over me,
And I feel oceans of
approval and love.
One day, I am gonna get a dmt.
That stands for
distressed muscle tank.
The dmts get to
work out next to hg.
I just gotta put in the
time, keep getting better.
I'm gonna go fill up my mattress
with ice and rest up for later.
So, hayley's in a cult.
Yeah, an exercise cult.
No. It's a real cult, roger.
Like jonestown
with ankle weights.
And I should know.
I've been in more
cults than anyone.
Remind me?
stan: Francine!
Is that the scrapbook I hear?
I don't have my keys!
I left them in the car
when I rolled out of it!
Scrapbook! Scrapbook?
oh, shit!
Scrapbook! Yay!
Oh, wow. Remember this?
I liked wearing all the
red and orange clothes.
Oh, this was this vegan one.
We ate so much spelt.
Some people had a lot
of sex with the guy.
Those cupcakes ended
up being poisoned.
Still have those
nikes somewhere.
Honey, you might fall for
cults, but let's be real...
Cults also fall for you.
Frann-ay!
Always skyrocketing right
into the inner circle.
True.
I'm either a right-hand
man or a high-up wife.
Oh, god, and there's
me on the altar.
You were gonna sacrifice me.
But then the knife broke!
Ah! That was fun. I needed that.
But I gotta get back to it.
Same.
Yeah, it's a big
time of year for me.
You've been in a lot of
cults. I remember now.
Yeah, cults are really fun,
But I have a sixth-sense
about when the fun is over.
You know, when there's
gonna be a fbi raid.
Or mass soo-ey, or
blend up beavers.
And put it in the
town's water supply.
Cool.
How and why did we get
into this convo again?
Hayley is in a cult. Riiight.
You gonna help her get out?
I'm not helping her.
She's gotta get out
by herself because...
Benevolent neglect!
Speaking of which, you know
what I neglect sometimes?
My own needs.
That's not a joke.
It's something sad.
Whooooo! Let's do this!
What's going on?
Hg: Everyone huddle
up for a second.
We're having a bit of a problem.
The fire marshall's
been sniffing around.
He wants to do an "inspection,".
And we all know what that means.
He's gonna come in here
and try to shut us down.
Guns?
They have to be worth $600 each!
And you're just
giving them to us?
Is this real?
Hey, girl, what that?
It's my gym gun.
Anyway, I'm just here to
grab some extra clothes.
And all of my
important documents.
I'm gonna be living at
the gym from now on,
For maximum readiness.
Honey, what if, just like,
as a readiness exercise,
I said, don't go
live at the gym?
I'd call you a cv and
tell you to suck my butt.
And a cv is...?
A commitment vampire.
It's the worst thing you can be.
Cool. Perfect answer.
Looks like the fun
is over at hg studio.
Unfortunately, hayley
doesn't seem to have.
My sense of cult timing.
I'm gonna have to
help get her out.
What happened to
benevolent neglect?
Too late for benevolent neglect!
We've got a new plan.
It's called...
Francine's plan.
Keep the car running.
I'll be right out.
Vroom vroom.
Mom?!
Did I inspire you?
Yeah.
Let me just say, you
have amazing taste.
I wish the first cult I
ever joined was this nice.
Not a cult. It's a great space.
I'm seeing a
super-charismatic leader.
The inner circle
has sick-ass tanks.
Dmts.
Primo cult, for
sure. Damn right.
But shit is about to go down.
We have to get you
out of here right now.
Okay, suck my butt.
Since when do you
have advice for me?
We will deprogram you later,
but for now, just listen.
The schematics show a
window in the bathroom.
We're gonna slip out.
Roger is waiting outside
with the car running.
There was a funny
smell in the car,
And I couldn't get
the windows down.
Had to use that
hammer to get out.
The little hammer for if
you drive into a river?
Anyway, have you seen hg?
I'm all in, franny.
All. In.
Roger gets it!
And you're a cv.
And I have to report
any cv behavior.
Hg! Hg!
Hg, I love you!
Do you see me, hg?
First day, hg! Very
impressive, yes?
Hi, ladies! Fire marshall here.
I'm just gonna take
a quick looky-loo,
And I will be out of your hair.
Fire marshall?
Fire marshall bill!
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
Remember that? Oh,
my god, so funny.
I'm honored you all have taken
such an interest in my work!
Hmm. All the windows
are sealed shut.
That's gonna be a no-go.
No one's getting out
of there in a hurry.
I'm not lovin' that.
Whoa. Loose floorboard?
when I was a kid,
My grandma tripped on
a loose floorboard.
And fell on her butt.
It was so embarrassing!
I'm gonna have to
close this place down.
Just leave!
No one shuts us down
over a loose floorboard!
aah!
Ah! My tiny gun went off!
Y-you shot me in the tummy!
- oh, my god!
Woman: What do we do?
Everything is okay.
This needed to happen.
It was necessary.
It had to happen, hg.
Here's the good news...
This brought us to phase two.
Just a little
sooner than planned.
Yeah, phase two, hg.
This new woman...
What's your name?
Hg? No.
Then britney m.
Welcome to the inner circle.
Two tosses for britney m.
Yay!
In 20 minutes, we're
gonna load up the buses,
Head to the airfield,
and take off.
For our remote studio location
in the jungles of the congo.
Everyone have your passports?
Just kidding. We
have your passports.
Ugh! Don't worry.
We have your passports.
I'm part of the "we."
You saw what I saw.
There's still time.
We can't leave the
country with these people.
You're right. That was crazy.
I wanna go home.
Just follow me behind the
bus, and then start running.
Good work, francine.
What are you doing?!
Betraying you, getting
a cool tank top.
It looks great on you, francine.
You've got the good
shoulders for it.
So do I, though.
And up and back and kick,
Front, table top, extend.
I mean, I love hg, but
what you did was savage.
Sold out your own kid for a dmt.
My voice is the only
voice I should hear.
Sorry, hg.
I mean, I
get it. I shot a guy.
But I'm like you... I don't
even feel bad about it.
Shhhh! Britney m.
almost done, hg.
And she's fine. She's in
non-prison confinement.
I don't wanna go to non-prison,
but hayley's probably okay.
Oh, god. Ooof.
I know. It's really hot
in here, right? Shhhh!
And then, I put a little bit
of mint, banana, a green apple.
Sometimes.
It's packed with,
like, everything...
Flax, chia, fish oil,
cbd oil, coconut oil,
Olive oil, pennzoil...
It's very oily.
Don't spill it, because
you'll be cleaning.
For the rest of the morning.
But you'll have crazy energy
if you get any in your mouth.
How long do I have
to be in here?
Until you're ready
to dance again.
You mean I can just
go back to class?
Sure.
But if you are gonna
make the smoothie,
Do not smoke for up
to 36 hours after.
You will explode.
Hayley, I'm so sorry.
I never should have betrayed
you for this tank top,
Even though I look amazing.
We gotta get out
of here, for real.
I shouldn't trust you.
Okay, meet me
tonight. I know a way.
Also, I figured out which one
of the girls has the bad b.O.
It's me.
Just a little further.
Ah, here it is!
You see, hg? I told you!
She's the real cv!
Hayley!
Oh, what, mom?
I wanna be in the inner circle.
I feel really left out!
I'll take my dmt now, thank you.
You better watch your back!
That dmt is mine.
No, that dmt is mine, actually.
You two are a lot of trouble,
And I don't have time for this.
You're both going to non-prison.
- What?!
- What?!
Ooooh! You made mommy maaaaad.
Shh! You talk too much.
a criticism!
a flying caterpillar!
What is wrong with us?
It's not us.
It's the cult.
We're brainwashed.
Yeah, but we're the ones
who decided to join a cult.
That's true.
Why do I keep joining cults?
What is that about?
Maybe it has something
to do with my mom.
She was always telling me
what to do, what to think.
I hated it!
But maybe on some level,
I keep looking to re-create it?
I think it's the
opposite for me.
I was dying for someone
to tell me what to do,
Or at least just
give me some advice.
I'd like you to be that person.
I'm sorry.
I just didn't want
to be like my mom.
You're not your mom.
But I do need you to be my mom.
I can do that.
Should we start a
coup against hg?
Are you ready for
my motherly advice?
Yes.
Let's dance.
Listen up, ladies!
I've been in a lot
of cults in my life,
And I know what's up.
Hg acts like a god, but
she's just a person.
A very hot, charismatic person.
With a great exercise regimen.
That gives us confidence.
And the direction that
we need in our lives,
And cool butts that look like
two stuck-together onions!
All: Yay!
No! No.
She means, hg is a bad person.
And we're all brainwashed!
She's got us exercising in
a jungle for 10 hours a day!
Let's band together
and get out of here!
And she keeps shushing
me. It's so rude.
What's with all the
loose floorboards?
Okay, she's not even hurt.
What gives?
The bullets went
right through her!
She is a god!
Oh, shit, she is!
My bad, hg!
Kneel before me.
And remember to
activate your core.
As you beg for my forgiveness.
Huh?
Uh, eyes up.
My butt is up here.
She's not a god!
She's not even a person!
She's a hologram!
Uh... Occupado?
It's a big, gross man!
On a toilet.
Eating oysters?
Out of a garbage bag?
Oh, look who it
is... Scoomby-doo.
So, holly was a hologram.
Hg equals holly graham.
You figured it out.
Come on, it's
funny! It's a joke.
You guys should smile
more, by the way.
Yikes, dude. What is your deal?
My deal?
No one ever asked the wizard
of oz what his deal was.
He could sit behind a
curtain, spying on munkins,
And I can't ogle women
through one-way glass?
I've committed no crimes here.
Why do I discard the
shells into the same sack
I take the fresh ones out of?
Uh, I frustrate myself.
I should get two sacks.
Sometimes you
gotta swish around.
And look for the
loosies at the bottom.
Oooh! Jackpot!
Ugh! Oh, that was a loogie.
I should not be spitting
my loogies in there.
See?! You think I'm disgusting.
This is why I need to
hide behind the mirror.
In the first place!
You never would have just
let me steal your money.
So I could watch
you dance all day.
While I sit on my little toilet,
Digging through my garbage
bag full of oysters.
I had to
be smart about it.
I see. You're all on
your periods or whatever.
Ooh! Ooh!
I never should have
made you so strong!
One last request... Put
me back on the toilet.
I wanna die with dignity!
Suck our butts! Suck our butts!
Buh-bye! See you soon.