American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 12 - Lumberjerk - full transcript

Stan, it's 5:00 A.M.

On opening day
of the state fair!

Just 25 measly miles
between me and those gates.

♪ 25 miles
until I get to heeeaven ♪

Ah!

♪ 25 miles
until I reach the gaaates ♪

♪ 25 miles until
I get to the state fair ♪

♪ Where me, Ole stanny-boy ♪

♪ Can plaaaaaay ♪

Gross.
Dad, put a shirt on.

And...
what's with the denim?



This is my state fair outfit,
ya doofus.

It's opening day.

The only day the lumberjacks
are there signing autographs.

And this year, I'm getting
my poster signed.

Huh. Weird.

That's how you're spending
your yearly bonding day

- With Jeff?
- Wait. What?

♪ 'Cause my wife
wants her dad to see ♪

♪ I'm not worthless ♪

♪ Yes! ♪

♪ It's Stan and Jeff's
bondage daaaaaay! ♪

No!
That can't be today.

Hey, this guy's hot.

When I was little, I used to
play pretend lumberjack.



Play pretend?

Hayley, he's doing it again.
He's being an idiot.

Dad!

He looked up that word
the last time you said it,

And he might still know
what it means.

Look, I can't have this boy
with me around the I-Jacks.

He's embarrassing.

Well, that was our bet.

You said our marriage
wouldn't last a year.

It was a safe bet. Half of
marriages end in divorce.

Why can't yours?

So now you have to hang out
with Jeff one day a year.

Fine. Okay.
But he's such an...

Ignoramus?

Sure. Give it a spin.
Ignoramus!

Ooh! Are we
playing dinosaurs?!

- Sure.
- Rawr!

I'm the great and powerful
ignoranus!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky, has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

*AMERICAN DAD*
Season 16 Episode 12 (IMDB)
Episode Title: "Plot Heavy"

The fair
has many distractions,

But we're here for one thing
and one thing only.

The jackin' zone.

Oh, maaan!
I crinkled it all up!

I'm a stupid idiot.

Tissue for your tears, sir?

Is this a paper towel?

well.
I am a lumberjack.

Wow! That's quite
a jaw you have.

Say, have you ever thought
about jackin', my friend?

R-r-r-really?!
Like with a bold old axe?

Totally!
With an axe, a beard.

All the lumberjack things.

We compete in the Langley woods
off route 80.

We've even got
an amateur division,

And there's an opening
in doubles.

You could, uh, join up
with your son here.

This guy's not my son.

This is my son.

Whoa. Babe alert.

Thanks for pretending
you're my mom

So I can get my ears pierced,
Mrs. Smith.

No problem. I want my son's
friends to look hot.

Snot, look!

It's one of
those contests!

Whoever keeps their hand
on the truck longest wins it.

Wow. A truck
would be a godsend.

My mom has had to pick up
a lot of farm work lately.

Winning this truck
could be the difference

Between life and death
for us.

And if we win it,
we could park it

On Tuttle's front lawn
for a joke!

- Oh! Let me in there!
- It's starting!

- Check it out!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!

This kind of contest brings out
the worst in people.

Don't trust anybody.

They're just trying to get
your hand off the truck.

Got it.

Oh, to help us pass the time,
why don't you show us

Your famous sicilian
grandmother impression, snot?

ah-ha!

Whenaya gonna get
a-married-uh?

That kid
took his hand off!

Steve! How could you?

Take a hike, rookie.

Hop in, schmuley! We gotta get
this cow to Lancaster county!

Oh, buckle would be
a great lumberjack partner.

Yello?

Buckle, my man!
How'd you like...

Ha! You've reached
my machine!

Leave a message!

Nobody makes me laugh
harder than you, buckle.

You're a real dick.

Lewis, I'm looking
for a partner to Jack with.

Oh, no, no, no.
I-I mean lumber Jack.

hello?

Dick, what's up?

Hooper, my bud. Dooper.

Bullock, sir, I need your help.
Hello, tuttle.

Ms. Peaches,
you may not remember me,

But you taught me art
in elementary school.

Huh. Girl Smith?

Probably Hayley or Francine.

Could be someone else.

Hey, dad.

hey, Hayley.

Will you please be
my lumberjack partner?

Oh. This is the thing
Jeff was telling me about.

He said he really wanted
to do this with you.

Yeah, anybody but him.

Dad, just do it with him.
He might actually be helpful.

And if he's not, I will never
make you do bonding day again.

damn it!

Hanging out with Jeff to
never hang out with Jeff again?

It's a gotdang catch-Jeffy-2!

The world's so sucky!

I've considered
your offer.

I think it's a fair deal.

You know
I can hear you, right?

We share a wall.

Howdy, partner!

Wow. It's amazing how many
people got phone calls

And suddenly ran off
for no reason.

Oh, there was a reason.

Ever heard of..."arson"?

You... Had their homes
burned down?

Well, I don't wanna brag.

Get off my truck!
My wife's in labor!

No late joiners.

The contest
already started, buddy.

And ended!
That was this morning.

I didn't want
a hot hardbody.

That's why I parked
in the shade.

What do you think, mom?
She does look pregnant.

In labor, my ass!

Put your cervix
on the glass!

Welcome, lumberjacks!

We have a very exciting
doubles heat for you today!

Next up on
the standing block chop,

A team making
their amateur debut...

Stan Smith and Jeff fister!

Fister. That's how
I signed you up.

'Cause you're worthless,
just like a fist.

Ready positions!

Oww!

Look at him go!

Not since
Woody woodpecker himself

Have I seen anybody
chewin' up wood like this!

Oh, my god. This fister guy
is better than me.

It's a record!

Wow! Fister!
That was amazing!

Fister's not his name!
That was my hilarious joke!

Plus, I got that log
started like 90%.

So, really, you guys
should be impressed by me.

And my Jack hands.

Fellow I-Jacks
call 'em "Jack hands,"

As my friends
can attest, Jeff.

It's what happens when you
Jack so hard and fast, Jeff.

As we reach the middle

of the lumberjacking season,

no team has been
more fun to watch

than Smith and Fister.

Let's see them work their magic
in doubles speed-climbing.

Fister taking charge,

Carrying Smith
like a reverse kangaroo!

I am Smith,
vertical wood cheetah!

Oh, you looked so sexy
scaling that tree, babe.

Minus my dad
humping your back.

Thanks, babe.

But you know
what's really sexy?

Finally getting to have some
quality time with your dad.

What are you
talking about?

He's using you to look good
in front of the lumberjacks,

And he's not giving you
any credit.

Jeff, I'm taking
the I-Jacks back to my place

For some f-Jacks.

That's flapjack, as any real
Jack-jock would already know

And not need explained,
at the dear cost

Of slowing down the exit
of the Jack pack.

Peace out!

That's a real d-bag move.

Maybe you should think about
ditching my dad and going solo.

I don't know, babe.

I'm so close to him
realizing I'm not worthless.

Of course
you're not worthless.

You're my whole world.

Can you find
your own ride home?

I'm getting trashed with danuta
at the pickle palace tonight.

She's in a sexual
relationship

With some of
the bartenders there.

Peace out!

Wow. Danuta.

Good for her.

How many times
must I tell you?

This is not a contest.
This is my life...

Hey, is that breast milk?
Can I get a pull?

If you people
get out of my garage,

You can have all
the breast milk you want!

Puh-lease.
When I win this truck,

Women will be chucking
breast milk at me.

Mm. Oh.

Now, me and Jeff
don't always eat flappy-js...

Another word for f-Jacks, Jeff,
try to keep up...

With our shirts off,
but I just thought you guys

Should see how much better
my body is than my partner's.

Your partner's?

Shyeah right.

Jeff's the only one
choppin' and sawin'.

He might as well
be on his own.

Psh.
Yeah, okay, whatever.

Can you guys
believe this nonsense?

See?
They all know it's true.

Jeff's better off without
you. That's ridiculous.

And there's no way to know
for sure who's better anyway.

So you'll just have to trust me
and the guys that I'm better.

There's a solo competition.

Bring it on.

I would "bring it on,"
obviously,

But it's probably
not the season.

He's right.
It's not the season.

Well, you lucked out
this time, Jeff.

Your embarrassment
will just have to wait.

Season starts Tuesday.

Roger, you gotta help me!

Gooo awayyyy.
Roger, please.

You gotta teach me everything
you know about solo jacking.

And to be clear,
I mean...

Singles competition
timber sports.

What else could you mean?
But why?

Ugh. It's a whole thing
with Jeff... say no more.

Well, I do want to give
a few more details.

Do you remember
when we first met Jeff

And he was only wearing
one flip-flop?

So, not only was
the watermelon seedless...

Stop, stop, stop!

You wanna look good in front of
those gorgeous-ass lumberjacks.

Just give me a second.

Huge jeanman-Jackman.
Lumberjack coach.

Listen, I used to be the
greatest coach of lumber jerks

In the pacific northwest 'til
I punched a student in the face.

And then I punched another.
Got a teensy drinking problem.

I've punched every
single one of 'em.

Gaaah! I wanna sock your ugly
mug so bad, I can taste it!

But I respect boundaries.
I'm not your coach.

You're hired.
Ugh! Unh!

Oops. I shouldn't have done that
before I did this.

when my hair's a-danglin',

I've been a-drinkin'.

And now I can do this.

Unh!
And back to this!

And back and forth!
Enh!

Unh! Unh!

Ad infinitum!

Unh! Unh! Unh!

Whoo-ooh!

Hair's a-danglin'!

Ugh! I instantly regret
throwing my pickle!

Ah, that's my cue.

Get your
replacement pickles here!

Pickles for chuckin'
and chewin'!

I oughta punch
your pickle!

Ooh!
Oh, no, you don't.

Hoppity-boppity-boppity-boppity-
boppity-boppity-boppity-boppity!

Smith
and Fister are neck-and-neck

As they saw through
their final cookie!

This is gonna be really close!

A tie! A tie!

Fister and Smith both qualify

For the world championship
in Alaska!

Roger, your training worked!

Hit me again!
I wanna smoke Jeff in Alaska.

I'm happy to hit you, Stan, but
it's gonna be with the truth.

You'll never win in Alaska.

Of course I will.
You saw me out there.

I did. But Alaska?
That's the championships.

They're gonna check to make sure
the wood isn't butter.

How can wood be butter?

I have been replacing
all your wood

With a simulacrum made
of the product... Butter.

Butterwood. The trick wood
you've been chopping and sawing.

We've been cheating.
You're a terrible lumberjack!

Aw. Don't be sad.

How 'bout a couple of quick
punches to cheer me up?

Gah!

Coat's loud as hell, man.

My puffy patagonia?

Won't fit in my suitcase,
so I'm wearing it on the plane.

Why aren't you ready?

Oh, I'm not going
to Alaska.

What? Why?!

I have to get
my veneers replaced.

I know, I know. Doesn't
look like I have veneers

Or would even be a person
who gets veneers.

But now you know
my very expensive secret.

Roger, I need your help.

I can't beat Jeff
without cheating!

I gotchya. Hand me that
turbo booster over there.

You're gonna turbo boost
Jeff's chainsaw.

This puppy will make his saw
too powerful to control.

Turbo boost him right out
of the championship.

Thank you so much.

Please, Stan, just leave.
My head, your voice.

And your **** jacket!

Oh, mama. Look at that saw!

I gotta feel the heft
of that baby.

Ohh. Just a little tugaroo
won't kill anyone.

wait!
It's been turbo-boosted!

You can't possibly
control it!

I think
I can control it.

No! You're not
a professional lumberjack!

You're just a pilot!

♪ lumberjack superhero ♪

Put that down!
You'll never be a lumberjack!

Now get inside and study
your pilot books!

I don't want your life!

screw you, dad!

Get those people
out of our garage, Bob!

What sort of limp-dick man
did I even marry, Bob?!

Tammy's really letting Bob
have it in there.

This is getting
pretty real, mom. Maybe...

Don't you say it, Steve!

Maybe this isn't
a contest?

Please just leave!

You people are ruining
my marriage!

Steve.

Aaaaaaaah!

Please forgive us, Bob!

Bobby, baby, we did it!

We were in it together
all along, you fools!

We win the hardbody!

Honey, return that baby!

We're one-half owner
of an old orange truck!

Klaaaaaaus wiiiiins!

Klaus?

that's right.

It's me! Klaus!

The proud new owner
of a Klaus-orange hardbody.

And I'll be doing celebratory
burnouts in my new old truck

As soon as I find
my misplaced driving cane.

Oh, I know
where that cane is.

Steve knows where it is!

M-m-m-m-my p-p-p-puffy

P-pat... patagonia jacket
saved me!

Shh!
You'll attract predators.

How did you survive with such
a, no offense, flat jacket?

I slowed my fall with this axe.
And that tree.

Whoa!

They're gonna be
looking for us.

We need to build
a signal tower. Here.

You're just whippin' axes
at me now, Jeff?

Is there anything
you won't stoop to

To keep me from beating you
at the championships?

Stop it, Mr. S. There's not
gonna be a championship.

Every other lumberjack
is dead.

Oh, my god.

Guaranteed silver.

Look, I know
we're not a team anymore,

But we're gonna have to
work together to survive.

You start clearing that tree
for firewood.

I'm gonna find my chainsaw and
get goin' on a signal tower.

Wait, wait, wait!
Don't start that saw!

Guess I'm not getting
my turbo booster back.

and there goes my goddamn toast.

What the hell was that?

Alright! Enough with
the third degree!

I sabotaged your saw!

Why?

Because I'm a cheater.

A cheater cheater
pumpkin eater.

And I admit you're a better
lumberjack than me.

I never cared about that.

I just wanted to show you
I was good at something

So you'd want
to hang out with me.

Jeff, you are good
at something.

You're an amazing
lumberjack.

And if we make it
out of here,

I promise I'm going to
tell that to the world.

Thanks.

But if you'll
get out of my way,

I got a babe
to get home to.

♪ Now, when I die,
I will have seen ♪

♪ The wonders of the sea ♪

♪ And I will have climbed
the mountains ♪

♪ In the western coun-ter-y ♪

♪ But most of all I won't forget
the wild and wondrous thing ♪

♪ The falling of the timber
when it's early in the spring ♪

♪ Way, hey,
another brand-new day ♪

Look at him go,
puffy patagonia.

He might just save us yet.

♪ Way, hey,
another brand-new day ♪

♪ On the wild and windy shores
of old super-I-ay ♪

Huh. Jeff fischer.
The stoner.

Well, pat, we both know
I can't let Jeff save us.

Whoa! Is that a signal flare
in your pocket

Or are you just happy
to see me?

Ha ha ha! Cut it out, pat.
This is serious.

New plan, Jeff!
No signal tower!

Oops. Too low.

Catch him, pat!

There's the wreck.

Dibs on any
unmelted credit cards.

Gold fillings
for me again? Ohh.

Hand me my pliers,
will ya?

So, after I got a fire blazing
to warm Jeff's weak body,

I built a signal tower.

Of course, of course.
So heroic.

Then, just as I finished,

I saw Jeff messin'
with a flare gun.

Kablooey.
Flare went off

And Jeff burned down
all my hard work.

Does this look
about right?

Usually you can see the outline
of my manhood through my pants.

Mind e-mailing me
a second draft?

he's waking up.

Maybe I can get
a statement.

Leave him alone,
you vulture!

Is there nothing
you won't do for a headline?!

Jeff, you're okay!
Thank god.

Listen. Hayley
was right about you.

I was crazy to think
you're worthless.

And from now on,
I want to hang out more.

Much more.
Maybe even twice a year.

What do you say
to that... Son?

I say...

**** you, Mr. S.

Bye! Have a great time!