American Dad! (2005–…): Season 14, Episode 18 - No Weddings and a Funeral - full transcript
♪♪
[ANNOYED] Honey?
Do I hear the sound of chicken bones
approaching the disposal?
No, you hear the sound of
chicken bones being disposed of.
[SWITCH CLICKS, DISPOSAL GRINDING]
Oh?! You suddenly want
to help me clean up?!
[GRUNTS]
You can't just throw everything in there
and expect it to disappear.
It's not the ocean, Francine.
B-b-b-burned.
Shut up, Klaus. That wasn't even a burn.
Yeah, Klaus. When I'm burned,
I'll let ya know.
Okay, so no chicken down
the disposal, but...
How about... this?
[CHUCKLING] That... That's funny.
That's making me laugh.
And I've decided to join in the joke!
- [FRIGHTENED GROANS]
- Francine?
Hit the switch.
- [DISPOSAL WHIRRING]
- Okay, we've all had our fun.
Now put me down!
If you insist...
Stan, now you're making me laugh.
And making me kind of hot.
[SHOUTS]
[SCREAMING] Oh, no! Oohheeeghhagh! Help!
[MOCKINGLY] Oohheeeghhagh!
That's you!
I guess you can put
chicken down the drain.
- [LAUGHING DERISIVELY]
- [SCREAMS]
It sounds like everyone's
having a good time.
Yeah, Klaus is in the disposal!
Tell that idiot pieces of shit
are supposed to go in the toilet.
[LAUGHING]
To the ice cream store! My treat!
Remember, I'm a rum raising guy.
Cool, I'll put some in a waffle cone
and throw it in the trash.
[LAUGHTER]
FRANCINE: Now that was a burn, fish.
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪♪
Welp, that was the last straw.
I am leaving.
It's too late for apologies.
Nothing could make it right.
Not even acknowledging
my existence in any way.
Alright, Klaus. What's all this?
You... You're selling lemonade?
No, I'm leaving.
I've never asked for anything
but a little respect.
And it's clear I'm not going to get it.
Okay, okay. I'll buy a lemonade.
[SCREAMS] I'm not selling lemonade!
I'm leaving! Forever!
One day you'll all regret
how you treated me!
Should we stop him?
The lemonade guy?
He's just being dramatic. He'll be back.
_
Okay, kids. Help Mom with the groceries.
Jeff Junior, you stop drawing
rockets shooting lasers on my windows.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Klaus died?
Klaus the fish?
Geez, I haven't seen him
since he walked out.
[MARVIN GAYE'S "I HEARD IT
THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE" PLAYS]
♪♪
_
♪ Ooh, I bet you're
wonderin' how I knew ♪
♪ 'Bout your plans to make me blue ♪
♪ With some other guy you knew before ♪
- ♪ Between the two of us guys ♪
- [PHONE RINGS]
♪ You know I loved you more ♪
♪ It took me by surprise I must say ♪
♪ When I found out yesterday ♪
♪ Don't you know that I heard
it through the grapevine ♪
[PHONE RINGS]
Go for the Stanimal.
Oh, when?
Yeah, I know where Francine's house is.
That's where I used to sleep in my car
until a judge and I came
to a mutual agreement
that Francine be rewarded that car
and I remain 80 yards away at all times.
Hey!
You know the deal.
Neither of us gets to do it
until I can afford a second bullet.
- ♪♪
- _
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[WHIRRING]
Steve. It's been years.
Hello, Mother.
I follow your company on Newstagram.
You just bought freakin' Hawaii!
As a place to store my shoes.
I'm doing quite well, yes.
Is he here?
Of course he's here.
He's my husband now.
And he's your father.
He is not my father.
He's my ex-best friend.
__
Toshi, you finally learned
another language...
and you chose French?
That's the kind of kissing he does.
[LOUDLY KISSES]
Ooh, la, la.
Croissant.
[BAM!]
Hey, everyone.
Papa Toshi.
Whoa, you only had one kid
in your Christmas card.
That was ten years ago.
I wish it were 15.
You must be the little darlings
my daughter's been keeping from me.
As a good mother, I try to shield them
from drunk housewives and bad haircuts.
I hope you wike it.
I puwled the skeweton out awl by mysewf.
JEFF: That's Noah.
[QUIETLY] We're a little
worried about him.
Has trouble saying "L" 's.
[RUMBLING]
What up, sluts? Happy Klaus's funeral.
Roger! My floor!
Cool, right?
Above-ground traffic is for poor people.
I got here from Tokyo in 20 minutes.
Bored right through the core.
No poors in the core, baby.
[METALLIC RATTLING]
Veela, why aren't you stealing anything?
Stan! How the hell did
you get in my house?!
I, uh, still have a key to the backdoor.
Dad, it's good to...
Y-You look...
Alive.
Oh, you noticed?
Sorry I'm late, gang.
I was busy being awesome,
eating really expensive
cookies whenever I want,
swimming in all the oceans,
and not having any parasites.
[SILVERWARE CLATTERS]
Well, I'm sure you'd all like to unpack.
Hayley, you take your old room.
Steve, you share the attic with Roger.
Toshi and I turned your bedroom
into an ass-blast-itorium.
[CHUCKLES DERISIVELY] Real creative.
Hey, don't turn my kitchen
into a sass-back-itorium!
Stan, there's a blanket in the basement.
Sure, I... I guess I could cancel
my suite at the Four Seasons...
and my expensive prostitute.
♪♪
[TYPES ON KEYBOARD]
[RUMBLING]
Can you believe these
little drills are optional?
If I didn't have a little drill,
I'd kill myself like Klaus.
I'm assuming it was a suicide?
Do we know? Do we care?
I don't know.
- The woman who called Douglas...
- Douglas?
- My jerk-off robot...
- Your what?
My regular robot!
The woman who called Douglas
was light on details...
of Klaus's death.
Which is the topic of this conversation.
Master, you seem tense.
Would you like to jerk me off?
Wait. You do him?
[SING-SONGY] Awkward.
♪♪
Thank you all for coming
on such short notice.
I'm Sister Madeline.
I met Klaus while passing out
food and blankets on Skid Row.
Excuse me, Stan Smith.
I'd like to start by
saying I was invited
so I'm allowed to be here.
Now, where are you passing
out these free blankets?
I was with Klaus in his final moments.
He requested that I
gather you all together
and show you this video.
Dearest Smiths... [COUGHS]
... I bet you always
wondered what happened
- to good, ol' Klaus.
- Nope.
- Not me.
- Oh, that Klaus!
Well, [COUGHS] after
I left, my life went downhill.
I caught Hep C from a plum
at the 99 cent store.
And because I didn't have insurance,
I joined the army,
but they sent me directly
to the Moon Wars
where I went completely insane
after my brain was
infested with moon mites.
[COUGHS]
But I never blamed you guys.
You were the only family...
I ever loved.
[COUGHS]
Was that a snuff film?
You should be ashamed of yourselves!
You all turned your back on your friend,
and he died alone.
What do you want us
to do about it, lady?
Give him a proper funeral!
Say some nice things!
Throw in one of those blankets
you've been yapping about
and we got a deal,
but I want it upfront.
I've been burned before.
Fine. We'll throw
Klaus a stupid funeral.
- Then will you feel better?
- This isn't about me.
- It's about Klaus!
- [DOOR SLAMS]
Oh, but it is about me.
[VOICE DEEPENING] And it's about Klaus,
for I... am... Klaus!
Sorry, did you say something?
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Oh,
just conversing with the Lord.
He's the best, you know.
Okay.
Remember the blanket.
[DOOR SLAMS]
♪♪
So everyone has their assignments
for Klaus's funeral preparations.
By the way, where's Jeff?
I sent him home with the kids.
He wasn't here when we had Klaus.
What?! Yes, he was!
I'm... assuming...
based on information
available to anybody.
Come on, let's get this over with.
This isn't something to "get over with."
It's a chance to come to terms
with the great loss you all must feel.
Quick question...
You're Klaus, right?
What?! Who's Klaus?!
That's... not what you'd say.
[NORMAL VOICE] Okay,
this family owes me an apology.
They were wrong to treat me so badly.
And once the sobering reality
of my funeral hits them,
they'll sob,
they'll wail,
they'll beg the heavens for my return!
Huh. So it's a goof. That's pretty cool!
Oh, you know what would be a
good way to reveal you're alive?
When they're kneeling
in front of your casket,
just, like, fart really loud.
[CHUCKLES] No, wait. That's too good.
I want to do that.
Oh, man, I am gonna be
the hit of the funeral!
Us at Familyland. Us at the beach.
Oh, look. Remember
when we ate this pasta?
Oh, my God. Yes! It was so good!
I got full, though.
Hey, I'm sorry we lost touch.
- What happened to us?
- I don't know.
The pictures stop after the pasta.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
How's it going down here?
Have you found any good photos
of Klaus for the slideshow?
Actually, it doesn't seem
like we have any.
What?! How is that possible?
I guess we didn't have
an underwater camera.
Jesus H., how stupid are you?
He lived in a bowl.
You don't have to put the
camera in the bowl.
Why do you have such a boner for Klaus?
Aren't you married to God?
Just find a picture!
Oh, here's one with
Klaus in the background.
That's a tangerine.
Eh. We'll just draw some eyes on it.
[SCISSORS SNIPPING]
Stan, what are you doing?
Aren't... Aren't they asparagus?
[MUNCHING]
God, how are you even alive?
Francine, I have to come clean with you.
I'm not doing as well as I maybe look.
You look like you're dying.
That's just a facade.
My life's not a fairy tale.
This is a ferret tail.
Nah, things aren't that
great for me either.
I have to confess,
when I agreed to marry Toshi,
I had him confused with Snot.
I feel like everything changed
for us after the divorce.
People don't talk about that part.
What happened to us?
When did everything become a fight?
I'm sorry.
Sorry about Klaus?!
No, we're talking about
our marriage falling apart.
Ever heard of it?
Well, start talking about Klaus
or I'll tell God you
should all go to hell!
Ever heard of that?
[STAMMERS] This robot
was trying to get fresh.
[NORMALLY] Can you believe this family?
All they care about is themselves.
Wow, you sound like Klaus!
[STAMMERS] I am Klaus!
Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, you got that plan.
You're going to fart or
something at a funeral?
Ugh. That's so stupid.
That was your idea!
Well, I see how it could work.
I guess it would all
depend on the execution.
Well, good luck at the wedding.
♪♪
[SLOWLY] ♪ Hey, now ♪
♪ You're an all-star ♪
♪ Get your game on ♪
♪ Go, play ♪
♪ Hey now ♪
♪ You're a rock star ♪
♪ Get the show on ♪
♪ Get paid ♪
♪ And all that glitters is gold ♪
♪ Only shooting stars break the mold ♪
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Klaus was a special fish
who swam his way into our hearts.
Perhaps someone would
like to say a few words?
Stan?
Uh, okay.
Uh, Klaus.
Well, he was a fish. We know that.
And he lived in our
house for a few weeks.
For years!
Maybe focus on your emotions.
Like crippling guilt
or haunting remorse?
[CRIES]
Yes, it's okay to cry.
Let it flow.
[LAUGHING] I'm sorry.
I'm not crying, I'm laughing.
I'm just remembering this time
Klaus tried to convince us
he could kick a football
over a Burger King.
Ha! He was such a liar.
Remember when he told us
he beat up Brett Favre
at a mini-golf course?
- FRANCINE: What an idiot!
- [LAUGHTER]
Check this out, guys.
I always said Klaus was a wiener.
[NORMALLY] Shut up! Shut up!
You guys are ruining my funeral!
Whoa, you do a better Klaus than he did.
I am Klaus!
Klaus, now's the time for the fart.
Shut up.
I gave you all every chance to
say one decent thing about me.
And now, I'll give you one final chance.
Did you kill a nun?
That's it!
Whoa, this is gonna be some fart.
[CAN HISSING]
Wowee.
[MULTIPLE THUDS]
STEVE: What... What's going on?
FRANCINE: Where are we?
We're... underwater.
And we're in the attic.
Oh, crap. We're in Klaus's bowl.
No, it's worse.
We're in Klaus's body.
Bingo, jerkwads.
Welcome to hell,
otherwise known as my life.
Oh, my God.
I left my charger out there
and my phone's at 4%!
This is gonna suck!
♪♪
STEVE: Klaus, what the hell is going on?
You shrunk us down and put
us in a fish-sized submarine?
Don't be stupid, Steve.
Even science has its limits.
I simply transferred all of your
consciousnesses into my body,
so you'd feel what it's like to be me.
No more questions!
Wait, why did you put yourself in here?
Great question.
That was a mistake.
Okay, quick poll.
Who wants to learn Klaus's dumb lesson?
Not me. I want to watch TV.
We've got to find someone
to help us get back into our bodies.
Maybe we can use these
controls to call for help.
Blat! Eep! Ooh!
You don't know what you're doing.
Use one of the presets.
Wuzzuuuuuuuup!
[IMITATING BORAT] My wife!
[NORMALLY] It's five to
watch, ten to touch.
I... I used to work at a movie theater
where it cost extra to touch the screen.
Eh, you clowns, get out of the way.
There's his cup.
That's how he gets around.
- [CONSOLE BEEPS]
- [WATER SLOSHES]
Nice move, Francine.
It's obviously the levers.
Yeah! Daddy just dunked on y'all!
Stan!
♪♪
Who lit a Yankee candle?
I like the smell of cookies,
but I don't have the time to bake.
Klaus, you've got to help us.
We're all gonna die.
[SCOFFS] I don't care if I die.
In fact, welcome to my suicide.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
[CONSOLE BEEPING]
[VOCALIZING]
♪♪
STAN: That was lucky.
Now we just have to make
it to the front door.
[GRUNTING]
♪♪
Oh, thank God.
Jeff forgot one of our kids again.
It's... Noah.
[LISPING] Fishy,
your skeleton needs to come out.
The little creep's gonna taxidermy us.
- Go for his knees.
- No, dummy. Choke him.
You idiots, kick him in the balls.
We should be kicking Klaus in the balls.
You can't kick Klaus in
something he doesn't have.
[LAUGHTER]
Good burn, son.
Hayley, you got one?
There's a peanut on the floor.
Hmm, kind of a thinker.
I obviously get it,
but what about the broader audience
you want to reach with your comedy?
No, there's a peanut on the floor.
Noah's allergic.
If you have to explain it,
Hayley, it's not funny.
No, we flick the peanut in Noah's mouth!
♪♪
Fish...
[GAGS]
[COUGHS] I got to get my EpiPen!
ALL: Yes!
Wait. Do you guys
realize what's happening?
When we all make fun of Klaus,
we get along, like at his funeral!
That must be why everything
fell apart after he left.
Klaus is the glue that
holds this family together!
Klaus is incredibly important...
because he sucks so much.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS]
- Thank you.
That's all I wanted.
I just needed to be
appreciated for something.
- [PICTURE CLATTERS]
- Great, great.
We all love each other again.
Now down the stairs.
♪♪
Klaus, where's your door claw?!
I buried it.
It's what I bludgeoned the nun with
before I stole her body.
Steve, tell your robot to open the door.
I can't. See his eyes?
It's been over 24 hours
since I serviced him.
- What?
- [SIGHS]
Okay, it's not a regular robot.
It's a pleasure bot.
And there's only one way to
get him out of attack mode...
Pleasure him.
Oh, God.
Don't worry.
Together, we can do this.
To battle stations!
♪♪
Follow my lead!
I know what he likes.
[CONSOLES BEEPING]
♪♪
[MECHANICAL MOANING]
[SIGHS HAPPILY]
♪♪
HAYLEY: We made it.
Well, let me take the helm,
and we'll get you back in your bodies.
I want to go find Toshi first.
After all this,
you still want to be with him?
No, I just think it will be easier
to break up with him inside the fish.
You mean it, honey?
Come here you.
♪♪
_
Well, my company was surprised
I moved it to Langley Falls,
but I had to oversee a
very important merger.
To Mom and Dad's second marriage!
[GLASSES CLINK]
Ahem. Guys, it's great to
be back with the family,
and I'd like to say...
[CHANTING] Disposal. Disposal.
ALL: [CHANTING] Disposal!
Disposal! Disposal!
Disposal!
I'm the glue, baby!
[DISPOSAL WHIRRING]
Bye bye! See you soon!
[ANNOYED] Honey?
Do I hear the sound of chicken bones
approaching the disposal?
No, you hear the sound of
chicken bones being disposed of.
[SWITCH CLICKS, DISPOSAL GRINDING]
Oh?! You suddenly want
to help me clean up?!
[GRUNTS]
You can't just throw everything in there
and expect it to disappear.
It's not the ocean, Francine.
B-b-b-burned.
Shut up, Klaus. That wasn't even a burn.
Yeah, Klaus. When I'm burned,
I'll let ya know.
Okay, so no chicken down
the disposal, but...
How about... this?
[CHUCKLING] That... That's funny.
That's making me laugh.
And I've decided to join in the joke!
- [FRIGHTENED GROANS]
- Francine?
Hit the switch.
- [DISPOSAL WHIRRING]
- Okay, we've all had our fun.
Now put me down!
If you insist...
Stan, now you're making me laugh.
And making me kind of hot.
[SHOUTS]
[SCREAMING] Oh, no! Oohheeeghhagh! Help!
[MOCKINGLY] Oohheeeghhagh!
That's you!
I guess you can put
chicken down the drain.
- [LAUGHING DERISIVELY]
- [SCREAMS]
It sounds like everyone's
having a good time.
Yeah, Klaus is in the disposal!
Tell that idiot pieces of shit
are supposed to go in the toilet.
[LAUGHING]
To the ice cream store! My treat!
Remember, I'm a rum raising guy.
Cool, I'll put some in a waffle cone
and throw it in the trash.
[LAUGHTER]
FRANCINE: Now that was a burn, fish.
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪♪
Welp, that was the last straw.
I am leaving.
It's too late for apologies.
Nothing could make it right.
Not even acknowledging
my existence in any way.
Alright, Klaus. What's all this?
You... You're selling lemonade?
No, I'm leaving.
I've never asked for anything
but a little respect.
And it's clear I'm not going to get it.
Okay, okay. I'll buy a lemonade.
[SCREAMS] I'm not selling lemonade!
I'm leaving! Forever!
One day you'll all regret
how you treated me!
Should we stop him?
The lemonade guy?
He's just being dramatic. He'll be back.
_
Okay, kids. Help Mom with the groceries.
Jeff Junior, you stop drawing
rockets shooting lasers on my windows.
[PHONE BEEPS]
Klaus died?
Klaus the fish?
Geez, I haven't seen him
since he walked out.
[MARVIN GAYE'S "I HEARD IT
THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE" PLAYS]
♪♪
_
♪ Ooh, I bet you're
wonderin' how I knew ♪
♪ 'Bout your plans to make me blue ♪
♪ With some other guy you knew before ♪
- ♪ Between the two of us guys ♪
- [PHONE RINGS]
♪ You know I loved you more ♪
♪ It took me by surprise I must say ♪
♪ When I found out yesterday ♪
♪ Don't you know that I heard
it through the grapevine ♪
[PHONE RINGS]
Go for the Stanimal.
Oh, when?
Yeah, I know where Francine's house is.
That's where I used to sleep in my car
until a judge and I came
to a mutual agreement
that Francine be rewarded that car
and I remain 80 yards away at all times.
Hey!
You know the deal.
Neither of us gets to do it
until I can afford a second bullet.
- ♪♪
- _
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[WHIRRING]
Steve. It's been years.
Hello, Mother.
I follow your company on Newstagram.
You just bought freakin' Hawaii!
As a place to store my shoes.
I'm doing quite well, yes.
Is he here?
Of course he's here.
He's my husband now.
And he's your father.
He is not my father.
He's my ex-best friend.
__
Toshi, you finally learned
another language...
and you chose French?
That's the kind of kissing he does.
[LOUDLY KISSES]
Ooh, la, la.
Croissant.
[BAM!]
Hey, everyone.
Papa Toshi.
Whoa, you only had one kid
in your Christmas card.
That was ten years ago.
I wish it were 15.
You must be the little darlings
my daughter's been keeping from me.
As a good mother, I try to shield them
from drunk housewives and bad haircuts.
I hope you wike it.
I puwled the skeweton out awl by mysewf.
JEFF: That's Noah.
[QUIETLY] We're a little
worried about him.
Has trouble saying "L" 's.
[RUMBLING]
What up, sluts? Happy Klaus's funeral.
Roger! My floor!
Cool, right?
Above-ground traffic is for poor people.
I got here from Tokyo in 20 minutes.
Bored right through the core.
No poors in the core, baby.
[METALLIC RATTLING]
Veela, why aren't you stealing anything?
Stan! How the hell did
you get in my house?!
I, uh, still have a key to the backdoor.
Dad, it's good to...
Y-You look...
Alive.
Oh, you noticed?
Sorry I'm late, gang.
I was busy being awesome,
eating really expensive
cookies whenever I want,
swimming in all the oceans,
and not having any parasites.
[SILVERWARE CLATTERS]
Well, I'm sure you'd all like to unpack.
Hayley, you take your old room.
Steve, you share the attic with Roger.
Toshi and I turned your bedroom
into an ass-blast-itorium.
[CHUCKLES DERISIVELY] Real creative.
Hey, don't turn my kitchen
into a sass-back-itorium!
Stan, there's a blanket in the basement.
Sure, I... I guess I could cancel
my suite at the Four Seasons...
and my expensive prostitute.
♪♪
[TYPES ON KEYBOARD]
[RUMBLING]
Can you believe these
little drills are optional?
If I didn't have a little drill,
I'd kill myself like Klaus.
I'm assuming it was a suicide?
Do we know? Do we care?
I don't know.
- The woman who called Douglas...
- Douglas?
- My jerk-off robot...
- Your what?
My regular robot!
The woman who called Douglas
was light on details...
of Klaus's death.
Which is the topic of this conversation.
Master, you seem tense.
Would you like to jerk me off?
Wait. You do him?
[SING-SONGY] Awkward.
♪♪
Thank you all for coming
on such short notice.
I'm Sister Madeline.
I met Klaus while passing out
food and blankets on Skid Row.
Excuse me, Stan Smith.
I'd like to start by
saying I was invited
so I'm allowed to be here.
Now, where are you passing
out these free blankets?
I was with Klaus in his final moments.
He requested that I
gather you all together
and show you this video.
Dearest Smiths... [COUGHS]
... I bet you always
wondered what happened
- to good, ol' Klaus.
- Nope.
- Not me.
- Oh, that Klaus!
Well, [COUGHS] after
I left, my life went downhill.
I caught Hep C from a plum
at the 99 cent store.
And because I didn't have insurance,
I joined the army,
but they sent me directly
to the Moon Wars
where I went completely insane
after my brain was
infested with moon mites.
[COUGHS]
But I never blamed you guys.
You were the only family...
I ever loved.
[COUGHS]
Was that a snuff film?
You should be ashamed of yourselves!
You all turned your back on your friend,
and he died alone.
What do you want us
to do about it, lady?
Give him a proper funeral!
Say some nice things!
Throw in one of those blankets
you've been yapping about
and we got a deal,
but I want it upfront.
I've been burned before.
Fine. We'll throw
Klaus a stupid funeral.
- Then will you feel better?
- This isn't about me.
- It's about Klaus!
- [DOOR SLAMS]
Oh, but it is about me.
[VOICE DEEPENING] And it's about Klaus,
for I... am... Klaus!
Sorry, did you say something?
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Oh,
just conversing with the Lord.
He's the best, you know.
Okay.
Remember the blanket.
[DOOR SLAMS]
♪♪
So everyone has their assignments
for Klaus's funeral preparations.
By the way, where's Jeff?
I sent him home with the kids.
He wasn't here when we had Klaus.
What?! Yes, he was!
I'm... assuming...
based on information
available to anybody.
Come on, let's get this over with.
This isn't something to "get over with."
It's a chance to come to terms
with the great loss you all must feel.
Quick question...
You're Klaus, right?
What?! Who's Klaus?!
That's... not what you'd say.
[NORMAL VOICE] Okay,
this family owes me an apology.
They were wrong to treat me so badly.
And once the sobering reality
of my funeral hits them,
they'll sob,
they'll wail,
they'll beg the heavens for my return!
Huh. So it's a goof. That's pretty cool!
Oh, you know what would be a
good way to reveal you're alive?
When they're kneeling
in front of your casket,
just, like, fart really loud.
[CHUCKLES] No, wait. That's too good.
I want to do that.
Oh, man, I am gonna be
the hit of the funeral!
Us at Familyland. Us at the beach.
Oh, look. Remember
when we ate this pasta?
Oh, my God. Yes! It was so good!
I got full, though.
Hey, I'm sorry we lost touch.
- What happened to us?
- I don't know.
The pictures stop after the pasta.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
How's it going down here?
Have you found any good photos
of Klaus for the slideshow?
Actually, it doesn't seem
like we have any.
What?! How is that possible?
I guess we didn't have
an underwater camera.
Jesus H., how stupid are you?
He lived in a bowl.
You don't have to put the
camera in the bowl.
Why do you have such a boner for Klaus?
Aren't you married to God?
Just find a picture!
Oh, here's one with
Klaus in the background.
That's a tangerine.
Eh. We'll just draw some eyes on it.
[SCISSORS SNIPPING]
Stan, what are you doing?
Aren't... Aren't they asparagus?
[MUNCHING]
God, how are you even alive?
Francine, I have to come clean with you.
I'm not doing as well as I maybe look.
You look like you're dying.
That's just a facade.
My life's not a fairy tale.
This is a ferret tail.
Nah, things aren't that
great for me either.
I have to confess,
when I agreed to marry Toshi,
I had him confused with Snot.
I feel like everything changed
for us after the divorce.
People don't talk about that part.
What happened to us?
When did everything become a fight?
I'm sorry.
Sorry about Klaus?!
No, we're talking about
our marriage falling apart.
Ever heard of it?
Well, start talking about Klaus
or I'll tell God you
should all go to hell!
Ever heard of that?
[STAMMERS] This robot
was trying to get fresh.
[NORMALLY] Can you believe this family?
All they care about is themselves.
Wow, you sound like Klaus!
[STAMMERS] I am Klaus!
Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, you got that plan.
You're going to fart or
something at a funeral?
Ugh. That's so stupid.
That was your idea!
Well, I see how it could work.
I guess it would all
depend on the execution.
Well, good luck at the wedding.
♪♪
[SLOWLY] ♪ Hey, now ♪
♪ You're an all-star ♪
♪ Get your game on ♪
♪ Go, play ♪
♪ Hey now ♪
♪ You're a rock star ♪
♪ Get the show on ♪
♪ Get paid ♪
♪ And all that glitters is gold ♪
♪ Only shooting stars break the mold ♪
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Klaus was a special fish
who swam his way into our hearts.
Perhaps someone would
like to say a few words?
Stan?
Uh, okay.
Uh, Klaus.
Well, he was a fish. We know that.
And he lived in our
house for a few weeks.
For years!
Maybe focus on your emotions.
Like crippling guilt
or haunting remorse?
[CRIES]
Yes, it's okay to cry.
Let it flow.
[LAUGHING] I'm sorry.
I'm not crying, I'm laughing.
I'm just remembering this time
Klaus tried to convince us
he could kick a football
over a Burger King.
Ha! He was such a liar.
Remember when he told us
he beat up Brett Favre
at a mini-golf course?
- FRANCINE: What an idiot!
- [LAUGHTER]
Check this out, guys.
I always said Klaus was a wiener.
[NORMALLY] Shut up! Shut up!
You guys are ruining my funeral!
Whoa, you do a better Klaus than he did.
I am Klaus!
Klaus, now's the time for the fart.
Shut up.
I gave you all every chance to
say one decent thing about me.
And now, I'll give you one final chance.
Did you kill a nun?
That's it!
Whoa, this is gonna be some fart.
[CAN HISSING]
Wowee.
[MULTIPLE THUDS]
STEVE: What... What's going on?
FRANCINE: Where are we?
We're... underwater.
And we're in the attic.
Oh, crap. We're in Klaus's bowl.
No, it's worse.
We're in Klaus's body.
Bingo, jerkwads.
Welcome to hell,
otherwise known as my life.
Oh, my God.
I left my charger out there
and my phone's at 4%!
This is gonna suck!
♪♪
STEVE: Klaus, what the hell is going on?
You shrunk us down and put
us in a fish-sized submarine?
Don't be stupid, Steve.
Even science has its limits.
I simply transferred all of your
consciousnesses into my body,
so you'd feel what it's like to be me.
No more questions!
Wait, why did you put yourself in here?
Great question.
That was a mistake.
Okay, quick poll.
Who wants to learn Klaus's dumb lesson?
Not me. I want to watch TV.
We've got to find someone
to help us get back into our bodies.
Maybe we can use these
controls to call for help.
Blat! Eep! Ooh!
You don't know what you're doing.
Use one of the presets.
Wuzzuuuuuuuup!
[IMITATING BORAT] My wife!
[NORMALLY] It's five to
watch, ten to touch.
I... I used to work at a movie theater
where it cost extra to touch the screen.
Eh, you clowns, get out of the way.
There's his cup.
That's how he gets around.
- [CONSOLE BEEPS]
- [WATER SLOSHES]
Nice move, Francine.
It's obviously the levers.
Yeah! Daddy just dunked on y'all!
Stan!
♪♪
Who lit a Yankee candle?
I like the smell of cookies,
but I don't have the time to bake.
Klaus, you've got to help us.
We're all gonna die.
[SCOFFS] I don't care if I die.
In fact, welcome to my suicide.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
[CONSOLE BEEPING]
[VOCALIZING]
♪♪
STAN: That was lucky.
Now we just have to make
it to the front door.
[GRUNTING]
♪♪
Oh, thank God.
Jeff forgot one of our kids again.
It's... Noah.
[LISPING] Fishy,
your skeleton needs to come out.
The little creep's gonna taxidermy us.
- Go for his knees.
- No, dummy. Choke him.
You idiots, kick him in the balls.
We should be kicking Klaus in the balls.
You can't kick Klaus in
something he doesn't have.
[LAUGHTER]
Good burn, son.
Hayley, you got one?
There's a peanut on the floor.
Hmm, kind of a thinker.
I obviously get it,
but what about the broader audience
you want to reach with your comedy?
No, there's a peanut on the floor.
Noah's allergic.
If you have to explain it,
Hayley, it's not funny.
No, we flick the peanut in Noah's mouth!
♪♪
Fish...
[GAGS]
[COUGHS] I got to get my EpiPen!
ALL: Yes!
Wait. Do you guys
realize what's happening?
When we all make fun of Klaus,
we get along, like at his funeral!
That must be why everything
fell apart after he left.
Klaus is the glue that
holds this family together!
Klaus is incredibly important...
because he sucks so much.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS]
- Thank you.
That's all I wanted.
I just needed to be
appreciated for something.
- [PICTURE CLATTERS]
- Great, great.
We all love each other again.
Now down the stairs.
♪♪
Klaus, where's your door claw?!
I buried it.
It's what I bludgeoned the nun with
before I stole her body.
Steve, tell your robot to open the door.
I can't. See his eyes?
It's been over 24 hours
since I serviced him.
- What?
- [SIGHS]
Okay, it's not a regular robot.
It's a pleasure bot.
And there's only one way to
get him out of attack mode...
Pleasure him.
Oh, God.
Don't worry.
Together, we can do this.
To battle stations!
♪♪
Follow my lead!
I know what he likes.
[CONSOLES BEEPING]
♪♪
[MECHANICAL MOANING]
[SIGHS HAPPILY]
♪♪
HAYLEY: We made it.
Well, let me take the helm,
and we'll get you back in your bodies.
I want to go find Toshi first.
After all this,
you still want to be with him?
No, I just think it will be easier
to break up with him inside the fish.
You mean it, honey?
Come here you.
♪♪
_
Well, my company was surprised
I moved it to Langley Falls,
but I had to oversee a
very important merger.
To Mom and Dad's second marriage!
[GLASSES CLINK]
Ahem. Guys, it's great to
be back with the family,
and I'd like to say...
[CHANTING] Disposal. Disposal.
ALL: [CHANTING] Disposal!
Disposal! Disposal!
Disposal!
I'm the glue, baby!
[DISPOSAL WHIRRING]
Bye bye! See you soon!