American Dad! (2005–…): Season 14, Episode 19 - Eight Fires - full transcript
- Jackpot.
- _
♪♪
One points.
♪♪
Iz raining!
♪♪
Dinner. It's what's for dinner.
Now, I've been up since 10:00,
so I'm turning in.
Enjoy, my babies.
ANNOUNCER:
Channel 36 is incredibly proud
to present our midnight movie,
"The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smowg."
[GASPS] Stan, it's Smowg.
He's about to be desolated.
Stan?
Huh.
Huh.
Huh.
Huh.
No.
Uh-oh.
What the hell are you
guys doing down here?
Uh, you know how you never
learned what lacrosse is?
Yeah?
Well, this is it.
This is lacrosse.
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
So, every night after I'm asleep,
you come down to the crawl space?
I don't understand.
A crawl space is an area between floors,
where crawling is not just allowed,
it's encouraged...
I know what a crawl space is, Stan.
Did you, though?
I mean, why are you eating down here?
Are you hiding from me?
Just give it to me straight.
We're still hungry
'cause your dinner stinks!
- It sucks!
- Whoa!
- Easy!
- Hey!
- [CHUCKLES]
- Uh, we hate you.
- You're a bad lady!
- Jeff!
Alright, that's it.
Go to the dark part of the crawl space
- for 10 minutes.
- It's ridiculous.
The dinner was bad?
I followed the recipe to a "T."
It was Certified "Yim Yam Yummo"
by Rachael Ray herself!
It's not that your cooking's bad...
Gee, how do we put it gently, gang?
- Your food is soulless.
- Totally uninspired.
- It's got no heart!
- Oh.
Sorry, Mom.
JEFF: It's poop food!
Jeff! 20 minutes!
Life is so unfair!
Don't feel bad, Mom.
Cooking's just not your thing.
You can always join us here,
for what we call "Cracker Hour."
Oh, but it's so much more than crackers.
There's cheeses, toasted Pringles,
and sumptuous summer sausages.
Hillshire Farms has put more
love into this Li'l Smoky
than in a thousand of your "dinners."
I don't want to be bad at cooking.
I want to be good at cooking.
Why not do a cooking course
at the Learning Annex?
You tell them what you want to learn,
they look it up on the Internet,
and then they teach it to you.
You know what? I will do that.
Sorry I drove you guys underground.
I scratched myself on a nail!
[CHUCKLES] Gotta watch
out for those nails.
Hold up... Do my eyes spy
a Li'l Smoky in the dirt?
- Dad, are you okay?
- There's a nail in his head!
- Why isn't he speaking?
- Somebody do something!
- This is literally the first time tonight...
- Aw, Dad! He's so still!
- ...I've reached for the Li'l Smokys and not bumped...
- Blink if you can hear me!
- ...into Stan's hand.
- He's not blinking! He's so calm!
- ♪♪
- _
Don't worry.
Stan's walking around and everything,
but he hasn't said a word,
so you know that nail's
touching something important.
You want to talk about
touching a nerve...
You guys not liking my
cooking has really rattled me.
Yes, yes it is me. Miss Nadine.
Yeah, Nadine!
Today, we're making a classic
spaghetti and meatballs.
Every step is on these recipe cards,
except for one...
Enjoy yourself!
I'll just follow the steps on the card,
if that's okay with you.
Oh, man, that babe Danuta's here!
I'm gonna make a cool face
while I chop my onion.
Is she looking? Is this face cool?
Hmm. My cup has a dent in it.
Won't be accurate.
I'll have to use 48 teaspoons.
[GASPS]
Ms. Nadine!
Dick's not measuring his salt.
Oh. Well, that's fine.
He just squeezed a lemon in there.
That's not in the recipe.
Your back was turned and he squeezed it!
- I saw!
- I thought a hit of lemon
would brighten up the marinara.
Mmm.
Ooh. That's a nice change, Dick.
There's no lemon
anywhere in this recipe.
Has the whole world gone crazy?
[SOBBING] Danuta...
Look at me, Danuta.
- ♪♪
- _
The nail has only pierced
his speech centers.
I can yank it out with my Leatherman,
no problem,
but not until the brain
swelling goes down.
Bigger question... Would you be willing
to let me have the brain?
Keep in mind,
I'd replace it with a bag of sand
so his overall weight
would not change...
No. How long will it take
the swelling to go down?
One week.
I'll put this tiny safety
cone on it for now,
but as your physician,
I must advise that you,
as soon as possible,
get him a fun new hat.
It's a Bugle snack.
Mm. It's delicious.
Hooraaaaay!
Mmm. I know I keep saying this,
but, to quote Dom DeLuise's tombstone,
great meatball.
And... what is this?
It's also a meatball.
Oh.
It's good.
Hey! Tell me the truth.
- I can take it.
- Okay.
It's a little bland.
[SCREAMS]
- It was your recipe!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
And I followed it to the letter!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- I want a 40% refund!
Get her out of here!
[GRUNTING] Let me tell you something.
Oh, yeah? What?
This whole Annex is gonna burn,
and you're gonna be in it.
You can't burn brick, bitch!
Oh, I'll find a fire hot enough.
You're gonna pop like popcorn.
Pop! Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop!
[ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
Now it's time for a new segment
that I'm really excited about...
- So [BLEEP] excited.
- ...where I travel the globe
interviewing famous chefs.
Here's me with Patagonian super chef,
Francis Mallmann.
Super chef?
As I say in my book, "The Seven Fires,"
the problem with the home cook
is that they are
enslaved by the recipes,
by their electric stoves.
MALLMANN: In the outdoors, where I cook,
man is returned to what is essential.
The fire Promethean.
It's all in my book, "The Seven Fires."
Well, the results are in.
Slap bracelets are back.
What the hell?!
Damn thing made me look like an idiot.
Wow, you're reading Francis Mallmann?
Yeah, but his cooking is all
about trusting your instincts,
and I don't know if I have those.
What if you could learn instincts
from someone like Francis Mallmann?
Oh, my God. Do you know him?
Yes, but we're estranged.
I said someone like him.
I have a persona that borrows heavily
from Francis... duplicates him really,
probably the source of the rift...
and I do know that persona.
Would you be willing to go
all the way to Patagonia
to learn how to cook?
Roger, I'd go to freakin' L.L. Bean
if it helped me be a better cook.
Ha! That's hilarious.
Although maybe you
aren't being hilarious.
_
Now, Francine, when we get there,
this guy's gonna be me.
I want to be clear about that.
This persona and I are different,
but I am him.
I can imagine how jarring it is
to find me around every
corner in your life,
and I want this to be a
smoother deal for you.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
This is it, right?
I'm about to look over,
and he'll be there,
- and you'll be gone.
- Yeah.
You know,
I don't usually get to say goodbye.
Well, thanks for flying down with me.
Even if you had to come
anyway to be the guy.
Thanks.
I'm Frenchus Mallmank,
not Francis Mallmann,
and I'm gonna challenge
everything you know about cooking.
[GASPS]
Goodbye!
[SIGHS] Alright.
That's enough turning around.
♪♪
NARRATOR: Frenchus Mallmank
rejected the pathway
of fine French cuisine,
and dedicated himself to powerful,
primitive cooking.
On his island in Patagonia,
with his dedicated students,
he makes incredible meals
using little more than fire and salt...
and the world has taken notice.
[EXASPERATEDLY] Would you shut up!
Why are you narrating everything?
And the narrator withdrew,
shutting himself off
from human connection...
Good! I think that's good.
There.
That is how you build...
the Eight Fires.
♪♪
Yes. One more than Francis.
Now I'll teach my techniques,
all leading up to a grand feast.
I will try each of your dishes,
finishing many of them,
and see how much you learned.
Lesson one!
I'm sealing this fish
in the rich cream mud
that is here by my feet.
When I cook this in the fire,
the mud will hold in the moisture.
- It will also muffle the small screams of the fish...
- [HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING]
...as it suffers and dies.
Oh! How many cups of mud is that?
You have long fingers,
and it looks like a lot.
No cups! No recipes!
Cooking is about being free and alive.
No!
Eh? You like my trebuchet?
- ♪♪
- _
- [PIANO PLAYS]
- Alright.
Let's find Dad a hat
to cover up that nail.
[PIANO CONTINUES]
You like the piano, Dad?
You can wait here
while we shop for hats,
and I won't have to look at the nail.
Hey, look who it is!
[PIANO CONTINUES]
- 10 minute break.
- [PIANO STOPS]
Just enough time for a cigarette
and a tuna-fish sandwich.
[PIANO PLAYS]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am the manager of this Nordstrom,
and that is simply gorgeous playing.
You're hired.
And you're fired.
Does Dick's Sporting
Goods have piano players?
Dad can't play piano.
It's the nail. It's unlocking him.
My nail gives me the power to
know all domestic flight times
within the United States.
United 12 leaves Dulles
for O'Hare in 30 minutes.
No. Not even close.
[SIZZLING]
Come, my acolytes. Taste.
You just got a bunch of dirt in it.
That's earth,
and earth is flavor and passion.
Think of how many people
had sex on this earth.
And on earth!
[WHISPERING] I found a
little piece that's clean.
A little dirt for ya!
- [FIRE CRACKLING]
- To cook meat over flame,
to me, I believe truly...
Can't find the neck hole in this poncho.
There it is.
The best technique is spatchcocking.
[WHISPERING] I've done that.
It's when you intentionally graze
someone's penis with your backpack.
Spatchcocking is when you
flatten an animal's ribcage
so that it cooks more evenly.
I'll show you.
It's all about finding just
the right point of pressure,
feeling it, making that connection,
and then spatchcock!
This works with any meat.
Wild hare...
river otter...
two chickens.
Usually, you want to prep it,
get the guts out,
but I was just feeling it too hard.
Had to do a live spatchcock.
So it goes.
Eight fires, etcetera, etcetera.
With food, you need a little wine.
This, to me, is a little wine.
This is the largest size bottle of wine
that isn't legally a vat.
It is called... a nebuchadnezzar.
I drink four of these a day,
just like Charlemagne did,
and I'll outlive you all.
What is it the poets say about wine?
[BELCHES]
What? Did you say something?
Was I still going?
Well, you're a fool
if you don't savor your nebuchadnezzars.
I can't tell if it's done.
Maybe I should check real quick.
It's ruined.
The precious juice has been drained.
Taste yours.
Now try mine.
Mmm.
It's so good.
You're resisting my lessons.
I hope you can show me
something at the big feast.
Now, if you excuse me, I must slumber
and dream of spatchcocking T-rexes
with my childhood friend, Jean-Baptiste.
[PIANO PLAYS]
[GIGGLES] Business
has never been better,
and it's all thanks to you!
Sales figures correspond
100% with your piano playing!
I don't want any of this stuff.
[UP-TEMPO PIANO PLAYS]
I'm buying 10 winter coats!
[LAUGHS]
You hooked another one, Nailhead!
And you know how big the
margins are on coats.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, oh!
By the way,
I got a call from corporate earlier.
They're considering turning
the Langley Falls location
into the new flagship...
[PIANO CONTINUES]
Yes.
Flagship.
That's what all this has been about.
Now, play me to the break room,
this time in the style of
a silent-movie villain.
[STACCATO NOTES PLAY]
Javier, your Potatoes Three
Ways is delicious, inspired.
What would you say to another three-ways
- in my big fur bed?
- No.
You deny me?
My passion grows like a bonfire!
Anywho, moving on.
I was having a tough time at first,
but I think I finally cooked
from... here.
Promising.
Where are they?
Where are what?
The measuring cups that
you used to make this!
You're right!
I cheated.
I've been doing so terribly.
Oh, why can't I understand how to cook?!
Who cares about that?!
I launched those measuring cups
all the way to Bear Island.
If you went there, it's possible "they"
followed your scent back here.
- Who?
- [BEARS GROWL]
Acolytes, fly me to safety!
We'll tell the world your story!
But I already told the world my story.
[BEARS GROWL]
Roger, what do we do?
[WHISPERING] Stand perfectly
still and don't make a sound.
[SNIFFING]
- Yes, it's me.
- [ROARS]
[SCREAMING]
♪♪
- [GROWLS]
- [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
♪♪
[COUGHS]
That damn bear spatchcocked me.
I wish I wasn't here right now.
I wish I was in a restaurant.
♪♪
Roger! Are you okay?
They told me Bear Island
would be a problem
when I bought this place.
"Leave the bears to me," I said.
What did I even mean?
I didn't have a plan.
This is all my fault.
It's not your fault.
You weren't there when
I bought the island.
I mean, if I hadn't cheated,
the bears never would have come here.
You killed me.
Let's see how badly you're hurt.
What's the damage?
Will I ever be able
to rollerblade again?
[SIGHING] Oh. That bear really got you.
We need to get you off this island,
but the boat is gone.
There's a backup boat on the
other side of the island.
Oh, my God!
Wait, why do you have a backup boat?
You should be asking,
why do I have three boats.
Because I used to,
but then I ended up selling one.
- [GRUNTS]
- Ow. Ow. Ow.
Wait! My nebuchadnezzars!
- [GLASS CLINKING]
- Ow. Ow.
Wait, my gaucho hat!
[STRAINED] You know, Francine,
I think I'm ready to die.
There's just one last
thing I want to do...
drink a live-forever potion.
You're not gonna die.
We've reached the boat.
Wait. There's somebody in it.
Oh, no. It's Francis Mallmann.
You stole my identity,
Frenchus Mallmank,
and now I steal your boat!
[PIANO PLAYS]
♪♪
Money! Oh, money! Oh, money!
[CHUCKLES] We're rich!
This branch of Nordstrom is rich!
- Oh, no. The family.
- It's been a week.
We have to take the nail out now.
- Otherwise, he'll die, right, Dr. Kalgary?
- Sounds right.
Then you must take it out.
I'd never want Nailhead to die.
Because, you see,
it wasn't about the money
or the coat sales...
the highest in the tri-county area.
It was about the music.
So before you remove the nail,
could I hear just one last song?
Dad! One more song!
[PIANO PLAYS MELANCHOLY TUNE]
No boats. No food.
We're both gonna starve here.
I'm surprised I made it this far
with the amount of glass
I've been drinking.
Before we die,
why did you cheat with
the measuring cups?
I didn't want to mess up, I guess.
What would it mean if you messed up?
That there was something wrong
with the measurements or the recipe.
And what if you messed
up without a recipe?
What if it was just you,
cooking, making your own decisions?
It'd mean that there was
something wrong with me,
that I was the failure.
And that's what therapists
call a babababingo.
[COUGHS]
Roger, this leg is starting to turn.
I think I should cut it off.
If you're gonna cut off my leg,
you need to cook it.
Roger, that's crazy!
It'll keep me from
dying of blood poisoning
and give us both something to eat.
Oh, I don't know.
There is no recipe for cooking my leg,
no safety net.
Show me who you are and feed me me.
[PIANO CONTINUES]
♪♪
[GROANING]
♪♪
♪♪
I had a lemon.
♪♪
♪♪
It's delicious, Franny.
♪♪
- [BODY THUDS]
- [DISSONANT NOTES PLAY]
Hey, I'm back, baby.
No! Put it back in! Put it back in!
[MANAGER SCREAMS]
- [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
- [CUSTOMERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]
Don't worry! I'll make you a monster!
Billy, get the van!
Ah, it feels good
to have conquered this.
I was letting my fear of failing
make me a boring cook.
[BEARS GROWL]
[SCREAMS]
No! Don't fight them.
Feed them.
[BEAR GROWLS]
Hey, it's Francis.
The smell of your soulful cooking
lured him back, Francine.
And I've hit my goal weight.
Roger, your body's
gonna grow back, right?
It always has before.
Oh, God! What if it doesn't?!
Have a good night!
- _
♪♪
One points.
♪♪
Iz raining!
♪♪
Dinner. It's what's for dinner.
Now, I've been up since 10:00,
so I'm turning in.
Enjoy, my babies.
ANNOUNCER:
Channel 36 is incredibly proud
to present our midnight movie,
"The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smowg."
[GASPS] Stan, it's Smowg.
He's about to be desolated.
Stan?
Huh.
Huh.
Huh.
Huh.
No.
Uh-oh.
What the hell are you
guys doing down here?
Uh, you know how you never
learned what lacrosse is?
Yeah?
Well, this is it.
This is lacrosse.
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
So, every night after I'm asleep,
you come down to the crawl space?
I don't understand.
A crawl space is an area between floors,
where crawling is not just allowed,
it's encouraged...
I know what a crawl space is, Stan.
Did you, though?
I mean, why are you eating down here?
Are you hiding from me?
Just give it to me straight.
We're still hungry
'cause your dinner stinks!
- It sucks!
- Whoa!
- Easy!
- Hey!
- [CHUCKLES]
- Uh, we hate you.
- You're a bad lady!
- Jeff!
Alright, that's it.
Go to the dark part of the crawl space
- for 10 minutes.
- It's ridiculous.
The dinner was bad?
I followed the recipe to a "T."
It was Certified "Yim Yam Yummo"
by Rachael Ray herself!
It's not that your cooking's bad...
Gee, how do we put it gently, gang?
- Your food is soulless.
- Totally uninspired.
- It's got no heart!
- Oh.
Sorry, Mom.
JEFF: It's poop food!
Jeff! 20 minutes!
Life is so unfair!
Don't feel bad, Mom.
Cooking's just not your thing.
You can always join us here,
for what we call "Cracker Hour."
Oh, but it's so much more than crackers.
There's cheeses, toasted Pringles,
and sumptuous summer sausages.
Hillshire Farms has put more
love into this Li'l Smoky
than in a thousand of your "dinners."
I don't want to be bad at cooking.
I want to be good at cooking.
Why not do a cooking course
at the Learning Annex?
You tell them what you want to learn,
they look it up on the Internet,
and then they teach it to you.
You know what? I will do that.
Sorry I drove you guys underground.
I scratched myself on a nail!
[CHUCKLES] Gotta watch
out for those nails.
Hold up... Do my eyes spy
a Li'l Smoky in the dirt?
- Dad, are you okay?
- There's a nail in his head!
- Why isn't he speaking?
- Somebody do something!
- This is literally the first time tonight...
- Aw, Dad! He's so still!
- ...I've reached for the Li'l Smokys and not bumped...
- Blink if you can hear me!
- ...into Stan's hand.
- He's not blinking! He's so calm!
- ♪♪
- _
Don't worry.
Stan's walking around and everything,
but he hasn't said a word,
so you know that nail's
touching something important.
You want to talk about
touching a nerve...
You guys not liking my
cooking has really rattled me.
Yes, yes it is me. Miss Nadine.
Yeah, Nadine!
Today, we're making a classic
spaghetti and meatballs.
Every step is on these recipe cards,
except for one...
Enjoy yourself!
I'll just follow the steps on the card,
if that's okay with you.
Oh, man, that babe Danuta's here!
I'm gonna make a cool face
while I chop my onion.
Is she looking? Is this face cool?
Hmm. My cup has a dent in it.
Won't be accurate.
I'll have to use 48 teaspoons.
[GASPS]
Ms. Nadine!
Dick's not measuring his salt.
Oh. Well, that's fine.
He just squeezed a lemon in there.
That's not in the recipe.
Your back was turned and he squeezed it!
- I saw!
- I thought a hit of lemon
would brighten up the marinara.
Mmm.
Ooh. That's a nice change, Dick.
There's no lemon
anywhere in this recipe.
Has the whole world gone crazy?
[SOBBING] Danuta...
Look at me, Danuta.
- ♪♪
- _
The nail has only pierced
his speech centers.
I can yank it out with my Leatherman,
no problem,
but not until the brain
swelling goes down.
Bigger question... Would you be willing
to let me have the brain?
Keep in mind,
I'd replace it with a bag of sand
so his overall weight
would not change...
No. How long will it take
the swelling to go down?
One week.
I'll put this tiny safety
cone on it for now,
but as your physician,
I must advise that you,
as soon as possible,
get him a fun new hat.
It's a Bugle snack.
Mm. It's delicious.
Hooraaaaay!
Mmm. I know I keep saying this,
but, to quote Dom DeLuise's tombstone,
great meatball.
And... what is this?
It's also a meatball.
Oh.
It's good.
Hey! Tell me the truth.
- I can take it.
- Okay.
It's a little bland.
[SCREAMS]
- It was your recipe!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
And I followed it to the letter!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- I want a 40% refund!
Get her out of here!
[GRUNTING] Let me tell you something.
Oh, yeah? What?
This whole Annex is gonna burn,
and you're gonna be in it.
You can't burn brick, bitch!
Oh, I'll find a fire hot enough.
You're gonna pop like popcorn.
Pop! Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop!
[ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]
Now it's time for a new segment
that I'm really excited about...
- So [BLEEP] excited.
- ...where I travel the globe
interviewing famous chefs.
Here's me with Patagonian super chef,
Francis Mallmann.
Super chef?
As I say in my book, "The Seven Fires,"
the problem with the home cook
is that they are
enslaved by the recipes,
by their electric stoves.
MALLMANN: In the outdoors, where I cook,
man is returned to what is essential.
The fire Promethean.
It's all in my book, "The Seven Fires."
Well, the results are in.
Slap bracelets are back.
What the hell?!
Damn thing made me look like an idiot.
Wow, you're reading Francis Mallmann?
Yeah, but his cooking is all
about trusting your instincts,
and I don't know if I have those.
What if you could learn instincts
from someone like Francis Mallmann?
Oh, my God. Do you know him?
Yes, but we're estranged.
I said someone like him.
I have a persona that borrows heavily
from Francis... duplicates him really,
probably the source of the rift...
and I do know that persona.
Would you be willing to go
all the way to Patagonia
to learn how to cook?
Roger, I'd go to freakin' L.L. Bean
if it helped me be a better cook.
Ha! That's hilarious.
Although maybe you
aren't being hilarious.
_
Now, Francine, when we get there,
this guy's gonna be me.
I want to be clear about that.
This persona and I are different,
but I am him.
I can imagine how jarring it is
to find me around every
corner in your life,
and I want this to be a
smoother deal for you.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
This is it, right?
I'm about to look over,
and he'll be there,
- and you'll be gone.
- Yeah.
You know,
I don't usually get to say goodbye.
Well, thanks for flying down with me.
Even if you had to come
anyway to be the guy.
Thanks.
I'm Frenchus Mallmank,
not Francis Mallmann,
and I'm gonna challenge
everything you know about cooking.
[GASPS]
Goodbye!
[SIGHS] Alright.
That's enough turning around.
♪♪
NARRATOR: Frenchus Mallmank
rejected the pathway
of fine French cuisine,
and dedicated himself to powerful,
primitive cooking.
On his island in Patagonia,
with his dedicated students,
he makes incredible meals
using little more than fire and salt...
and the world has taken notice.
[EXASPERATEDLY] Would you shut up!
Why are you narrating everything?
And the narrator withdrew,
shutting himself off
from human connection...
Good! I think that's good.
There.
That is how you build...
the Eight Fires.
♪♪
Yes. One more than Francis.
Now I'll teach my techniques,
all leading up to a grand feast.
I will try each of your dishes,
finishing many of them,
and see how much you learned.
Lesson one!
I'm sealing this fish
in the rich cream mud
that is here by my feet.
When I cook this in the fire,
the mud will hold in the moisture.
- It will also muffle the small screams of the fish...
- [HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING]
...as it suffers and dies.
Oh! How many cups of mud is that?
You have long fingers,
and it looks like a lot.
No cups! No recipes!
Cooking is about being free and alive.
No!
Eh? You like my trebuchet?
- ♪♪
- _
- [PIANO PLAYS]
- Alright.
Let's find Dad a hat
to cover up that nail.
[PIANO CONTINUES]
You like the piano, Dad?
You can wait here
while we shop for hats,
and I won't have to look at the nail.
Hey, look who it is!
[PIANO CONTINUES]
- 10 minute break.
- [PIANO STOPS]
Just enough time for a cigarette
and a tuna-fish sandwich.
[PIANO PLAYS]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am the manager of this Nordstrom,
and that is simply gorgeous playing.
You're hired.
And you're fired.
Does Dick's Sporting
Goods have piano players?
Dad can't play piano.
It's the nail. It's unlocking him.
My nail gives me the power to
know all domestic flight times
within the United States.
United 12 leaves Dulles
for O'Hare in 30 minutes.
No. Not even close.
[SIZZLING]
Come, my acolytes. Taste.
You just got a bunch of dirt in it.
That's earth,
and earth is flavor and passion.
Think of how many people
had sex on this earth.
And on earth!
[WHISPERING] I found a
little piece that's clean.
A little dirt for ya!
- [FIRE CRACKLING]
- To cook meat over flame,
to me, I believe truly...
Can't find the neck hole in this poncho.
There it is.
The best technique is spatchcocking.
[WHISPERING] I've done that.
It's when you intentionally graze
someone's penis with your backpack.
Spatchcocking is when you
flatten an animal's ribcage
so that it cooks more evenly.
I'll show you.
It's all about finding just
the right point of pressure,
feeling it, making that connection,
and then spatchcock!
This works with any meat.
Wild hare...
river otter...
two chickens.
Usually, you want to prep it,
get the guts out,
but I was just feeling it too hard.
Had to do a live spatchcock.
So it goes.
Eight fires, etcetera, etcetera.
With food, you need a little wine.
This, to me, is a little wine.
This is the largest size bottle of wine
that isn't legally a vat.
It is called... a nebuchadnezzar.
I drink four of these a day,
just like Charlemagne did,
and I'll outlive you all.
What is it the poets say about wine?
[BELCHES]
What? Did you say something?
Was I still going?
Well, you're a fool
if you don't savor your nebuchadnezzars.
I can't tell if it's done.
Maybe I should check real quick.
It's ruined.
The precious juice has been drained.
Taste yours.
Now try mine.
Mmm.
It's so good.
You're resisting my lessons.
I hope you can show me
something at the big feast.
Now, if you excuse me, I must slumber
and dream of spatchcocking T-rexes
with my childhood friend, Jean-Baptiste.
[PIANO PLAYS]
[GIGGLES] Business
has never been better,
and it's all thanks to you!
Sales figures correspond
100% with your piano playing!
I don't want any of this stuff.
[UP-TEMPO PIANO PLAYS]
I'm buying 10 winter coats!
[LAUGHS]
You hooked another one, Nailhead!
And you know how big the
margins are on coats.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, oh!
By the way,
I got a call from corporate earlier.
They're considering turning
the Langley Falls location
into the new flagship...
[PIANO CONTINUES]
Yes.
Flagship.
That's what all this has been about.
Now, play me to the break room,
this time in the style of
a silent-movie villain.
[STACCATO NOTES PLAY]
Javier, your Potatoes Three
Ways is delicious, inspired.
What would you say to another three-ways
- in my big fur bed?
- No.
You deny me?
My passion grows like a bonfire!
Anywho, moving on.
I was having a tough time at first,
but I think I finally cooked
from... here.
Promising.
Where are they?
Where are what?
The measuring cups that
you used to make this!
You're right!
I cheated.
I've been doing so terribly.
Oh, why can't I understand how to cook?!
Who cares about that?!
I launched those measuring cups
all the way to Bear Island.
If you went there, it's possible "they"
followed your scent back here.
- Who?
- [BEARS GROWL]
Acolytes, fly me to safety!
We'll tell the world your story!
But I already told the world my story.
[BEARS GROWL]
Roger, what do we do?
[WHISPERING] Stand perfectly
still and don't make a sound.
[SNIFFING]
- Yes, it's me.
- [ROARS]
[SCREAMING]
♪♪
- [GROWLS]
- [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
♪♪
[COUGHS]
That damn bear spatchcocked me.
I wish I wasn't here right now.
I wish I was in a restaurant.
♪♪
Roger! Are you okay?
They told me Bear Island
would be a problem
when I bought this place.
"Leave the bears to me," I said.
What did I even mean?
I didn't have a plan.
This is all my fault.
It's not your fault.
You weren't there when
I bought the island.
I mean, if I hadn't cheated,
the bears never would have come here.
You killed me.
Let's see how badly you're hurt.
What's the damage?
Will I ever be able
to rollerblade again?
[SIGHING] Oh. That bear really got you.
We need to get you off this island,
but the boat is gone.
There's a backup boat on the
other side of the island.
Oh, my God!
Wait, why do you have a backup boat?
You should be asking,
why do I have three boats.
Because I used to,
but then I ended up selling one.
- [GRUNTS]
- Ow. Ow. Ow.
Wait! My nebuchadnezzars!
- [GLASS CLINKING]
- Ow. Ow.
Wait, my gaucho hat!
[STRAINED] You know, Francine,
I think I'm ready to die.
There's just one last
thing I want to do...
drink a live-forever potion.
You're not gonna die.
We've reached the boat.
Wait. There's somebody in it.
Oh, no. It's Francis Mallmann.
You stole my identity,
Frenchus Mallmank,
and now I steal your boat!
[PIANO PLAYS]
♪♪
Money! Oh, money! Oh, money!
[CHUCKLES] We're rich!
This branch of Nordstrom is rich!
- Oh, no. The family.
- It's been a week.
We have to take the nail out now.
- Otherwise, he'll die, right, Dr. Kalgary?
- Sounds right.
Then you must take it out.
I'd never want Nailhead to die.
Because, you see,
it wasn't about the money
or the coat sales...
the highest in the tri-county area.
It was about the music.
So before you remove the nail,
could I hear just one last song?
Dad! One more song!
[PIANO PLAYS MELANCHOLY TUNE]
No boats. No food.
We're both gonna starve here.
I'm surprised I made it this far
with the amount of glass
I've been drinking.
Before we die,
why did you cheat with
the measuring cups?
I didn't want to mess up, I guess.
What would it mean if you messed up?
That there was something wrong
with the measurements or the recipe.
And what if you messed
up without a recipe?
What if it was just you,
cooking, making your own decisions?
It'd mean that there was
something wrong with me,
that I was the failure.
And that's what therapists
call a babababingo.
[COUGHS]
Roger, this leg is starting to turn.
I think I should cut it off.
If you're gonna cut off my leg,
you need to cook it.
Roger, that's crazy!
It'll keep me from
dying of blood poisoning
and give us both something to eat.
Oh, I don't know.
There is no recipe for cooking my leg,
no safety net.
Show me who you are and feed me me.
[PIANO CONTINUES]
♪♪
[GROANING]
♪♪
♪♪
I had a lemon.
♪♪
♪♪
It's delicious, Franny.
♪♪
- [BODY THUDS]
- [DISSONANT NOTES PLAY]
Hey, I'm back, baby.
No! Put it back in! Put it back in!
[MANAGER SCREAMS]
- [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
- [CUSTOMERS SHOUT INDISTINCTLY]
Don't worry! I'll make you a monster!
Billy, get the van!
Ah, it feels good
to have conquered this.
I was letting my fear of failing
make me a boring cook.
[BEARS GROWL]
[SCREAMS]
No! Don't fight them.
Feed them.
[BEAR GROWLS]
Hey, it's Francis.
The smell of your soulful cooking
lured him back, Francine.
And I've hit my goal weight.
Roger, your body's
gonna grow back, right?
It always has before.
Oh, God! What if it doesn't?!
Have a good night!