American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 6 - (You Gotta) Strike for Your Right - full transcript

Come on, come on...
DING
Oh, my God!
BUZZER
MUSIC JINGLE
Ugh, it's negative again.
Where did you get a pregnancy test
with sound effects?
At Spencer's Gifts.
It's also where I get my condoms.
Wait, you're wearing condoms
while we're trying to get pregnant?
They're joke condoms.
They have a big hole in the end.
I just wear them for the feel.
And the chuckles.
You doof.
I can't wait to have
your big, doofy baby.
I wanna have a babe
with you, too, babe.
BANGING
Hey! Are you done in there?
Get out, get out, get out!
I went to Taco King!
I can't do this in my bowl!
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feeling
that it's gonna be a wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
to the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say...
# Good morning, USA! #
Agh!
# Good morning, USA! #
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
We know how much you want this.
I don't know what's wrong.
I've been eating right, exercising,
taking all the vitamins.
And I bought a butterfly net
to catch the baby
when he comes shooting out.
We've been trying all kinds
of different positions, too.
The spider pretzel, the butter
churner, the standing wheelbarrow.
And my favourite,
the breakfast for dinner.
That's where I fry him an egg, and
then we do it quite traditionally...
from behind. Well,
you must be doing something wrong.
I got Francine pregnant
on the first try.
Bang, bang, chicken and shrimp!
What's going on? I'm bored.
I got nothin'.
By the looks of your faces,
you got nothin', too.
God, it's so boring in this house.
I'm bored. What's goin' on?
Haley and Jeff are having trouble
getting pregnant.
Oh, good. This isn't boring.
I could drop a bomb on this.
See, Hayley's never
going to get pregnant...
because Jeff's an alien. Boom!
Wait, what?
Ever since Jeff got back from space,
he's had an alien body.
Only human part left is his brain.
Oh, that explains why my pee
is slightly brighter than usual.
And why I haven't slept in a year,
or even felt the need to.
Yeah, that explains everything.
Did I leave anything out, Stan?
You knew?
Yes, but I couldn't tell anyone,
because I'm an amazing
secret-keeper.
Well, why didn't you tell me?
That is also a secret.
I know we weren't gonna say
anything, Stan, but I got bored.
Remember at Disney World,
how I got bored,
so I tried to drown that fat lady
on Pirates Of The Caribbean?
You guys went to Disney World
without me?!
My boy, Reggie, is Pluto!
He could've got you pineapple
dole whips half-price, fool!
My other boy, Dante, has got
a sick condo in Daytona Beach.
It's only a 90-minute drive
from Disney World.
And I got a hook-up
for Lightning tickets.
Warm weather hockey,
you don't get that up here.
Shut up, Klaus!
I also have a boy in Jacksonville.
I can't believe this.
I'm married to an alien.
I... I've been having sex
with an alien.
I don't see what
the big deal is, Hayley.
Lots of people sleep with aliens.
Lois Lane,
Marvin The Martian's wife,
every cable guy
who's ever come to this house.
But I don't feel like an alien.
I feel like me.
That's because you still have
your stupid human brain.
Hey, I love your stupid human brain,
and I don't even care
that you're an alien. Liberal.
But... I do wish
we could have a baby.
Well, you could have a baby
if Jeff became human again,
but that's impossible.
Unless... you gave his brain to
a birthing alien on its heat cycle
so Jeff could be reborn as a human.
But you'd need to find a birthing
alien here on Earth, other than me,
because I'm not doing it.
Whew! Is it hot in here?
I can't tell. I'm on my heat cycle.
Anyway, impossible. Such a bummer.
Gotta go. Bored again.
My boy in Jacksonville's
name's Leroy.
He's a barback
at Buffalo Wild Wings, and he says
if we go down there, we might
be able to party with the waitstaff.
And then Marybeth Stephanie
called me a "Hufflepuff"!
Can you believe that?!
I've been called
some terrible things before,
but never a Hufflepuff.
That's stupid!
You're totally a Ravenclaw.
I know!
But even though I was real peeved,
I just said, "Thank you,"
because I didn't wanna offend her.
You're a bit of a Hufflepuff.
Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff.
Are you Snot?
Are you poor?
Uh...
Because we're Trish!
And The Sizzle.
And you're on
Morning Mimosa's...
BOTH: Three Happy Days!
Whoa, awesome!
What? What's happening?
What's happening is you
just hit the jackpot, buddy.
Every year on Morning Mimosa,
they surprise a poor kid
with three happy days!
You're poor, aren't you, Snots?
Look at you! Of course you are.
Come with us!
Your first happy day starts now!
TRISH AND SUES: Three happy days!
Three happy days!
Being poor is so weird.
Like, when I think of tuna, I think
of tuna from a fancy sushi place,
and you think of tuna
from a shitty can. Like a cat.
SCREECHING TYRES
Poor people are a lot like cats.
Please, Roger,
I really wanna be human again!
And if that doesn't happen,
we'll never have a baby.
What if someone told you
that you couldn't have
what you wanted most in life?
Jake Gyllenhaal?
If somebody told me
I couldn't have him,
I... I don't even know what I...
Ah! That'd be awful!
I'll be there for you the whole
time, every step of the way.
Well, I have always wanted
them fat, swangin' pregnancy tits.
You would look great with those!
I'll do it.
I'll carry your Jeff baby.
Muchas gracias!
Oh, thank you!
Now, how do we go about
getting Jeff's brain?
SUCKING
ARGH!
SCREAMING
SUCKING
SLURPING
And now there's a 10% chance
that I'm pregnant.
AUDIENCE: Three happy days!
Three happy days!
That's right.
Every year, The Sizzle and I help
one poor kid with the saddest story.
This year, we were faced with the
biggest challenge we've ever had.
Meet Snot Lonstein.
Poor, yet Jewish.
So for Snots' first happy day, we
gave him a much-needed make over.
Meet the brand-new Snots!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Fabulous!
Now, let's bring out the person
responsible for you being here.
Snot, meet your knight
in shining armour, Steve Smith!
APPLAUSE
You nominated me?
Yeah, I did. I felt bad for you.
You think it doesn't break my heart
when we go to the movies
and you bring that
old jawbreaker in that sticky bag?
Snot, don't you wanna thank Steve
for nominating you?
Let's see you...
AUDIENCE: Kiss his feet!
Kiss his feet!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Where'd you find this doctor,
anyway?
We can't go to a regular doctor,
so Klaus recommended this guy.
Hello! I'm Dr Kalgary.
I see you are lesbians.
Congratulations.
Yep. I believe you are hoping
for some good news.
Just tell me I'm pregnant, Doc.
Wait, I hear a heartbeat.
That is very uncommon in my office.
I'm pregnant?
Oh, thank God!
Let's take a closer look.
BOTH GASP
Thank you, Billy.
And you are having...
..an adult man.
Oh, my God! It's Jeff!
I'm printing you a copy. Billy!
Argh!
It's OK, I got it.
No, no. Let him get it himself.
I'm getting stronger.
GROANING
Everything hurts.
And the cravings, I want a cigarette
and five shots of Patron.
Roger, you can't smoke or drink
during your pregnancy.
OK, but can't I just cook
the tiniest bit of meth?
It won't hurt nobody.
Here, have some pickles instead.
Oh, God, the smell!
GAGS
Get that away from me!
But these are your favourite.
RETCHES
I think I missed a spot.
RETCHES
Ugh. This is disgusting.
I'm disgusting,
and I hate this thing!
You! You did this to me!
CRYING
I think if I had just a tiny bit
of meth, it'd settle my stomach.
No, Roger.
Just a widdle cwystal?
With the help
of his best friend, Steve,
we're about to surprise Snots
with his second happy day. Let's go!
Oh, my! Sizzle? Trish?
Am I on...?
Shut up! You're not part of this!
Wake up, wake up, wake up!
Huh?
We're sending you and your best
friend, Steve, to the water park!
What do ya say, Snots?
I'll go, but not with Steve.
I'll just take my mom.
Oh, my God!
Snots is so poor,
he has to date his mom!
Why aren't you taking me?
I'm the reason you get to go to
the water park in the first place!
I don't wanna be pitied!
I thought you would know that.
It's so humiliating.
How is this humiliating?
Oh... my... God!
Is his pillow just a T-shirt
stuffed with newspapers?
Dennis, get a shot of that.
Roger, I got everything
you asked for -
a turkey sandwich,
that pillow you like, and binoculars
so you can watch the gardener
work across the street.
Mm. Ah. Ah.
That feels nice.
And this here... tastes amaze.
Ooh, I'd let that guy
spread his seed on me.
If he pulled my weed,
I'd show him some miracle grow.
Is that a Venus flytrap?
Because my next pun depends on it.
It's anus guy flap.
So, if you're good,
I'm gonna go see a movie with Klaus.
Oh. Is Klaus carrying your baby?
Well, no.
Oh, so the movie's
carrying your baby.
You're welcome to come with us.
Klaus didn't invite me!
Klaus thinks you hate him.
I do hate him.
I'd kill him if I could!
Roger, you're very emotional
because you're pregnant.
You said you'd be there
every step of the way!
God, I'm so upset,
I can't even finish this sandwich!
You're starving me and the baby!
I'm sorry!
I'll do whatever you want!
I want you to want to be here,
and I want you to make me
exactly the same sandwich
you did before,
because you straight up killed it.
Is it just me,
or has Roger gone crazy?
Hayley, how many times
have you been pregnant? None.
How many times
have I been pregnant? Four.
Point is,
I know what Roger's going through.
All he wants is to feel appreciated.
I'm trying the best I can.
Try harder. He's carrying
your husband, after all.
ROGER: Damn it, Hayley,
I'm starving!
Are you gonna make me suck the milk
out of my own damn boobs?
Huh.
SLURPING
Bring me some Oreos!
Morning, Mimosa-nators.
We're about to surprise Snots
with his third happy day.
Blow the door!
EXPLOSION
You're back!
THUD
Ugh!
Wake up, wake up, wake up!
It's time for your third hap...
Where the hell is he?
I'm sorry, Snot.
I screwed up, but I'm gonna
get you out of this, I promise.
ALARM CLOCK BLARES
He's here! Argh!
GUNSHOTS
GUN CLICKING
Run!
Sues, we're not trying to kill him.
We're just trying to give him
his third happy day.
Sorry.
PANTING
I was flashing back to Desert Storm.
OK, but you weren't in Desert Storm.
You saw part of Three Kings on HBO.
WHISPERS: The part I saw
was so powerful.
GROANING
It's not time for my nap yet.
Why are you bringing me upstairs?
On Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow
says I should avoid stairs.
Goop says I shouldn't exert myself.
Goop says my ankles are weak.
We should buy an elevator,
like Goop says.
BOTH: Surprise!
Oh, my God!
A surprise baby shower?
You've been through a lot, Roger,
and I wanted to do
something nice for you.
Well, as tough as it's been,
I must say, I've been a rock.
Ooh! Presents!
Happy baby shower, Roger!
TEARING
A Phish CD?
It's Jeff's favourite band!
That's so sweet, Mom.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
The baby is not gonna listen
to this stoner garbage.
He's above that. For him,
it's only classical masters,
like the Indiana Jones soundtrack.
HUMS SOUNDTRACK
Whatever. Dad, why don't
you give Roger your present?
TEARING
It's Jeff's hat.
I got it out of the closet.
I forgot we were doing this.
Yuck!
The baby won't be wearing hats,
not when he has access to my wigs.
Roger, that's Jeff's favourite hat.
He wears it all the time.
Not any more, he won't.
Are there more presents?
Tell me there are more.
I didn't know if it was going to
be a boy or a girl, so I got this.
TEARING
Oh, yes!
A sparkly, sequined onesie!
This is perfect for the baby!
It's all I've ever wanted for him,
to be sawed in half at a magic show.
Thank you, Klaus.
You're the only one
who knows what my baby wants.
Get over yourself, Roger!
It's not your baby! It's my Jeff!
Oh, it's YOUR JEFF, is it?
Well, what YOUR JEFF needs
is his mother... Me.
You know what he doesn't need?
You! And come to think of it,
I don't need you either.
Where the hell are you going?
I'm outta here, bitch.
I'm raising this baby on my own.
And you know what?
His name's not Jeff any more.
It's Tristan!
I figured it out!
This diaper has Snickers in it.
Dad, we weren't playing that game.
Where'd you find that?
Guys, Roger's out there,
God knows where,
walking around with Jeff inside him.
Or should I say "Tristan"?
Hayley, relax.
Tristan's a great name.
We should've named Steve Tristan.
Pregnant mothers just get emotional.
And they stay emotional. Up top!
Don't look at me, Stan.
I love women.
I respect them too much.
Please.
Is it too late
to side with you, Stan?
Let's go find Roger. Who knows
what he could be doing right now?
# Hayley,
I know you're gonna be upset
# Cos you need me
to birth human Jeff
# But you should know by now
# That I'm a bit crazy
# You helped to show me what I want
# My goal in life is to be a mom
# We're in this, him and me
# And I don't need Hayley
# Hayley, don't preach,
I'm in trouble deep
# Hayley, don't preach,
I need booze to sleep
# And I made up my mind,
I'm keeping my baby
# I'm gonna keep my Tristan.
Mm, mm... #
Excuse me, ma'am, will you be
making a purchase with us today?
LAUGHS
No, no, I will not.
TYRES SCREECHING
Go around, Mike!
TYRES SCREECHING
Aw, crud.
STRAINING
Looking for this?
Oh, no! How did you find me?
This is where I ran off to
when I was pregnant.
It's the... "Go-to motel
for scared pregnant women."
I read your Yelp review.
Why'd you run away?
To think about the most important
decision of my life...
Whether or not
I was going to keep you.
Oh, hey! Is that the coin I flipped?
Roger, I'm sorry.
This whole time, I was so focused
on getting Jeff back,
I forgot how much
this was affecting you.
So, I got you this.
TEARING
GASPS
Now you can match Jeff...
Or Tristan!
Whatever you wanna call him.
We are in this together.
Let's call him Jeff!
I'm starting to think "Tristan"
is a gay lion's name.
Ready to come home?
OK, just let me grab my... ARGH!
Argh, Roger!
Your eyes are bleeding!
The baby!
What? What's wrong with the baby?
Bleeding eyes
means the baby's coming!
I thought you read the book
I got you! I did!
But it was just David Blaine's
life story.
Oh, yeah, well,
I was right to give you that book.
It's awesome. Pretty cool.
He was bullied as a kid and then
made himself into one of the most
popular magicians in the world.
Speaking of magicians,
did you know Criss Angel
lives on the top floor of the Luxor?
Do you think he has a book?
I... I don't know.
Shut up, you babbling bitch!
I'm having a baby here!
FAST-PACED MUSIC PLAYS
ARGH!
TYRES SCREECHING
Argh!
Argh!
TYRES SCREECHING
No-one escapes the third happy day!
SCREAMING
Childbirth really hurts!
I have so much respect
for Michelle Duggar now,
which is saying something,
because I already considered her
one of the most accomplished women
of her generation.
ARGH!
Stay strong, Roger. Keep pushing.
This is punishment
for all the bad things I've done!
Like the time I took those
blind people to that noisy warehouse
and told them they were
at the World Series.
I sold them $12 beers I bought for
$8, and when they were super drunk,
I made their team lose
in the bottom of the ninth,
and broke their dumb, blind hearts.
Keep pushing!
STRAINING
POP
He's here!
BABY CRYING
Congratulations!
It's a strange thing.
Why's he so small?
I thought he was coming out
full-grown. What's wrong?
Oh, it's like
one of those sponge dinosaurs.
He'll get bigger once we add water.
Can I... Can I see him?
PURRING
Hey, buddy.
Roger!
SQUELCHING
My mouth is super juicy
for this very purpose.
Babe.
Jeff, it's you!
Aw, give him here.
I need to do skin-to-skin contact
right away.
He's not latching.
I disown this child.
I'm sorry these three happy days
have been so terrible.
Actually, today's been pretty good.
What? You twisted your ankle,
we almost died in a freezing river,
and now we're hiding in a storm
drain that smells like a dead body.
Yeah, but I wasn't poor,
and you weren't middle class.
We were just two best friends,
running for our lives.
Come here.
Whoa!
I feel it, too.
This is a hell of a moment.
No, it's just I know why
it smells like a dead body in here.
I'm not dead.
Just because I don't conform to your
conventional standard of beauty,
doesn't mean I'm dead.
You know all those magazine covers
are Photoshopped, right?
BOTH: ARGH!
Scared of what a real woman
looks like?!
So, after everything with Roger,
I realised,
there's so much more to having kids
than I ever thought,
and I... I don't know
if we're ready for that.
Well, having just been born, I feel
I'm a little young to have a baby.
Guys, I finally added up the bill
for being your surrogate.
Food, parts, labour, loss
of other income, all totalled...
You owe me a ride to the mall.
Bye-bye, see you soon!
Subtitles by TVT