American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 7 - Klaustastrophe.tv - full transcript
Stan begins to experience crippling separation anxiety; Klaus builds a website and forces the family to participate.
BANGING
GROANING
SMASHING SOUND
EERIE MUSIC PLAYS
We found the first stone.
Bring it to me.
EERIE MUSIC CONTINUES
I'm so close.
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
LAUGHS EVILLY
Oh!
Oh, no, I can't look!
Did I break it?
I feel like I broke it!
Seems fine.
Whew! That was a close one!
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes.
HE CACKLES
Oops!...
# Silent night
# Holy night
# All is calm
# All is bright
# Round young virgin
# Mother and child. #
RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES
Impeccable work on the dummies,
Francine.
I never realised how my hair
is exactly like
the bristles of a push-broom.
Yeah, I just see these things.
I don't know. I make connections.
Everyone into your cryo-sleep pods.
Are we really gonna skip Christmas?
Well, it is the time of year
that Santa tries to kill us.
Yeah, remember when he came at us
with that elf army?
Don't forget, he also murdered
Grandpa, and now Grandpa is Krampus.
And if it's not Santa,
it's something else.
No-one even's mentioning the time
I wished you all away,
and got a better family.
What?
Huh?
Sorry, what?
But there's been good times, too.
We all love
the Christmas Village in Chimdale.
We get the tree,
ride the little train.
I hate that place.
All those creeps on Grindr
just prowling around the tree farm.
Sickening.
And they always do you up
against some shabby Douglas Fir.
Finding pine needles for weeks,
good Lord.
So we're just
giving up on Christmas?
Christmas sucks, Steve. Let it go.
All right, if everything goes
according to plan,
we'll wake up on the 26th,
but if that awful Santa shows up,
as soon as he lays a hand
on those decoy dummies,
our pods will shoot
safely into the sewer system.
From there, Roger?
Sewers to Potomac to ocean,
and then the currents will take us
straight to Jimmy Buffett's yacht.
From there, it's nothing but
margaritas and old tan-lined tits.
BEEPING, WHIRRING
CLINKING
Gotta put your arms down, son.
God! He's overpowering me!
Stan, it's the dummy.
Wow! You even nailed
the texture of his skin.
Is this pizza?
No! No, it's not.
He's not here, either.
That means Steve's outside!
On Christmas Eve!
We have to find him.
Ooh, his browser history
shows he bought at ticket
to the Chimdale Polar Traintown
Christmas Village, off Route 2.
He's at the Christmas Village.
Of course.
He also searched for
"Muscle lady sexy,
"strong female looks
at camera bench press,
"Naked woman kettle bell strain."
Wow, what a pervert, right?
Klaus, we know you use
Steve's computer.
Let's leave Jeff in the pod.
We'll be right back
and he'll be safer there.
Good thinking, Hayley!
Surf's up, Jeff-er-ee! Hi-ya!
WHOOSHING
DRAMATIC JINGLE BELLS PLAYS
BRAKES SQUEAL
There he is!
Now, I don't like to say "Xmas"
but I love to write it.
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
We gotta get back to the pods!
Where's that train going?!
It just goes around the farm
in a little loop.
CHUCKLES
All our kids are on it.
Ooh, bad news, though.
You missed the conductor
handing out free candy canes.
You ever have one of these babies?
The flavour, it's...
How do I put it into words?
Oh! You know those Starlight Mints
you get at restaurants?
It's like one of those really got
a chance to stretch its legs.
Are you explaining a candy cane
to me?
Let him speak!
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
BRAKES SQUEAL
Excuse me.
When does the other train get back?
This is the only train.
But I just saw a train
pull out full of kids!
Sir, are you proposing
there's another train?
A "magic train" that, that
comes around when I'm not here?
I know you're being sarcastic, but
maybe that is what's happening here.
It has to be.
Ask one of these other parents.
Their kids were on the train, too.
SUCKING AND SLURPING NOISES
What? I don't have kids.
I've never had a child.
TO THE TUNE OF "NO SCRUBS - TLC"
# No kids...
No kids!
# No, I don't want no kids
# A kid is a thing
I don't have or want to have. #
This is so strange.
How can they have forgotten
their own children?
Do you think there might be
something in the candy canes?
HAYLEY GASPS
Oh, my God! That's it!
Who licked my candy cane?
Why am I fish?
I'm back from whatever I was doing.
What'd I miss?
Where the hell is Steve?!
TREES RUSTLING
I know what happened to your son.
He's in danger.
Are you seriously
trying to talk to me right now?
Do you not understand
how Grindr works?
We did what we came to do,
but now I'm with my family.
This is my real life.
You're way out of bounds.
Um, I think... I think you're
confusing me with someone else.
I was just saying
that your boy is in danger.
He's been taken to the North Pole.
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
Damn, Route 2 Traintown,
this is Rainforest Cafe-calibre
enchantment.
So you're telling me
that Steve has been abducted
and taken to the North Pole?
Mm-hmm.
OK, who did this?
The North Pole, that's a clue.
Maybe those white bears
or those tuxedo birds.
The ones like...
It was Santa Claus. I knew it!
For years, Santa has been stealing
children from around the world,
using them to work on some
mysterious project
in the North Pole.
How do you know all this?
Because I was one of his elves,
until he banished me.
He clipped my ears...
ALL: Ew!
..and stretched my body.
HAYLEY GAGS
My name's Puddin'!
Why were you banished?
Well, I didn't do anything wrong.
It's just like the culture up there
was really diseased
and it was all just,
like, clique-y politics
and people were really threatened
by clear communication.
You were the problem.
He was the problem.
Let's not sit around
and listen to some fired elf.
We have to get to the North Pole
and rescue Steve!
You can't just get
to the North Pole,
not without Christmas magic.
But you're in luck,
because I've got it.
Does anyone else have it,
or can you transfer it to us
somehow without touching us?
So we're pretending this is where
Santa mines his coal
for the bad kids?
Oh, I like it.
Light cardio followed by cocoa?
BOY GROANS
Oh, no!
This boy fainted!
He needs juice
and maybe a sugar cookie.
And what the hell?
I'll take one, too.
Oh, my God!
Steve Smith,
what the hell are you doing here?
Ah! Santa!
W...why are you Chimdale?
This is the North Pole, ya stupid!
Ha! It'll take more
than two elves to...
GROANING
HE SIGHS
Actually, two seems like overkill.
TRAIN CHUGGING, WHISTLE BLOWING
Getting this train
to the North Pole's
gonna take a little trick.
Just do it, Puddin'.
CLINK
TRAIN CHUGGING
SMASHING
We'll be dashed to pieces!
Not with my Christmas magic,
we won't!
The rocks are gonna open!
The season's rising up in me!
I believe!
I believe in the magic of Christmas.
Fa-la-la!
CRASH
Yeah, he didn't have
the Christmas magic.
For elves,
it's in the pointy part of the ears.
Read your Bible, people.
We still need Christmas magic.
I think we all know
where we have to go.
GUNSHOTS
SCREAMING
How much longer do we have to wait?
It's scary here.
Bus 435. It'll be here any second.
IMITATES BRAKES SQUEALING AND HISS
Bus is here!
Any of you guys looking to smash?
I call shotgun.
IN A CREEPY VOICE: The girl.
CRASH, DOOR HISSES
Well, if it isn't my no-good son
and his deadbeat friends.
Hey, Dad.
When I told you I was driving a bus
in Baltimore,
it was so you'd be impressed,
not so you'd visit me unannounced.
We need to get to the North Pole
right away,
and we need your Christmas magic
to get there.
I'm done with that Krampus stuff.
Punishing kids at Christmas?
Too much stress.
I had to get away,
grab myself a slice of paradise.
In Baltimore(?)
Well, technically,
I'm living in Woodlawn,
but, yes, for an out-of-towner,
"Baltimore."
But you don't understand, Krampus.
Santa has kidnapped Steve!
Steve Harvey?!
Santa's gone too far this time!
No! Steve Smith, your grandson!
Fine.
BUTTON CLICKS
MAN: Hey! I was going to the wharf
to yell at the bucket drummers!
Tough!
We're going to the North Pole.
Then I get to sleep on the bus!
This is not a hotel!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
ALL SCREAM
Oh, shut up.
PUDDIN': Yay!
WARPING SOUND
STAN: Where are we?
KRAMPUS: We're nowhere.
We're on a channel between time and
space, before and after all things.
Hey, you know, I was thinking,
we could call you "Grampus."
That is my name.
No, like with a "G," like...
like Grandpa and Krampus.
Behind the line!
Everyone needs to stay
behind the line!
SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE:
HORN HONKS
CRASHING
THEY GASP
BUS DOOR OPENS
Now to get into Santa's village,
we'll need disguises.
Well, well, well, I think I see the
perfect cover right before my eyes.
Fish for sale!
Got a fish for sale!
Mmm, fish! Finally! Head on in.
DOORS CREAK
EERIE "CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS
So you're really not here
to foil my plans?
No, I swear!
I was just trying to have
a nice Christmas.
Then what am I hassling you for?
Cut his throat,
but make it Christmassy.
He wants a nice Christmas.
Ah, ah!
Roger: Fish!
SMACKING SOUND
FRANCINE: Give us our son,
you jelly-bellied bastard!
I'm saved!
Ho-ho-ho! Smiths!
You're never gonna make it
out of the North Pole alive.
Oh, sir, we found the other stone.
Ooh! Let me see it!
Beautiful.
They're both mine.
Smiths, you're free to go.
STAN: Really?
At last, I'm ready to enter
the final stage of my grand design.
STAN: OK, then.
My grand design,
it will change everything.
STAN: Uh-huh.
We go out the way we came?
Yeah, it's two rights
and then a left.
But you're really not in the least
bit curious about what I'm doing?
My grand design?
STAN: Not, not particularly.
OK. But I have to say,
if you guys had a grand design,
I'd at least listen to it.
Of course, I've always been curious.
Even as a child, I took apart
my alarm clock to see how it worked,
but that's me and you guys are you.
And, uh,
I guess I gotta respect that.
STAN: Well, then, it's settled.
Seize them!
Now, in order to answer
all of your questions
about my grand design, we're going
to take a journey back in time.
They'll be a little movie,
a brief Q&A session,
and then I'm going to kill you.
Good luck!
I can only be stopped with a...
..copper pot!
What are you, cooking for cowboys?
Why the hell do you have this?!
Cue lights.
A long time ago in the fertile
riverlands of Mesopotamia,
there were an ancient people called
the Sumerians, and it is from them
that we inherit the world's oldest
and most well-known story.
Do I even need to say it?
The Epic Of Gilgamesh.
Ah! Of course, of course.
As the legend goes,
the hero Gilgamesh,
accompanied by his trusted friend
Enkidu,
travelled to the distant
Cedar Forest
and there confronted the ageless,
terrifying giant Humbaba.
ROARS
And when Gilgamesh defeated Humbaba,
cutting off his enormous head,
he was gifted
with the Seven Radiances.
Granting Gilgamesh
immeasurable power.
In some translations,
the "Radiances" are referred to
as the seven "Auras".
That's the Binderman translation!
He's a hack!
What scholars have gotten wrong,
including Binderman,
ESPECIALLY Binderman,
is they believe Humbaba
to be a metaphorical giant, a myth.
But the myth is real!
FANFARE PLAYS
Of course, I'm not the first to seek
the power of Humbaba.
There have been others.
Caesar, Bonaparte, Goebbels,
Temple Grandin.
But they all dug in the wrong place.
And why?
Because they got Pangaea wrong!
My calculations put the Cedar Forest
right under the North Pole!
Why else would
I base my operations here?
The weather(?!)
ROGER CHUCKLING: The weather.
And now,
with nothing left to stop me,
I will use Humbaba's eyes
to end Christmas forever!
STEVE: No!
Yes!
And usher in a new age
of unimaginable terrors
that must be seen to believed!
There are supposed to be
visuals here.
A bunch of CGI footage
of me flying around
and zapping buildings
with my fingers.
It worked in rehearsals!
Tony, why didn't...?
Tony, can we kill the music?!
MUSIC SWELLS, THEN CUTS OUT
Tony, why did the other stuff work
and this didn't?
TONY:
They were on different hard drives.
I wanna know why we did that,
but I also feel like I'm gonna be
really frustrated by the answer.
"CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS
Oh, my God, you've found him.
When I place the eyes
in Humbaba's stone face,
I'll receive the full power
of his Seven Radiances.
Or Auras.
Silence!
They're heavier than they look.
I dropped one earlier.
Now, to become a God!
# Ah, ah, ah
# Ah, oh, oh... #
Santa, no! You can't take
Christmas away forever.
What about peace on Earth
and goodwill towards men?
That's kids stuff.
One radiance, two radiances,
three, four, five, six, seven!
They're all here!
Now fly into my body, please!
It's a very subtle feeling.
STAN: They flew past you.
ROARING
ALL: Argh!
CLINKING
Argh! Whoa, things are going down.
LOUD CRASH
We have to climb the side!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
I'm supposed to be all-powerful!
Why is all my stuff
going in the mouth?!
What's happening in there anyways?!
Go look!
Uh, all I see is fire.
Goat legs ain't so great
for climbing, are they, dingus?
CLINK
Whoa!
LAUGHING
I knew you'd save me!
We're the two halves of Christmas,
locked in this dance forever!
Argh!
I don't dance with men.
GROUND CRACKING, ROARING
I thought it was just the head!
Not in Binderman's translation!
He theorised that the throat
was cut, but the body was intact!
I've never even seen you
read a magazine.
ROARING
To the train, everybody!
It's the only way
out of the North Pole!
It won't start!
It's powered by the love
of Christmas.
Won't move an inch without it.
First, the train needs Christmas
magic, then it needs Christmas love.
This is some Christmas
bullshit right here.
BRAKES SQUEAL
Christmas hate powers it in reverse.
STEVE SCOFFS
Christmas.
So stupid.
We have to go the other way!
Yeah, Steve.
Think about your Christmas love!
What's to love?
The whole holiday was just a front
for a slave mining operation,
because some lunatic
wanted to take over the world.
ROARING
ROGER: Steve, stop!
We're heading
right for Humbaba-ba-ba-ba!
Santa was right.
Christmas is kids' stuff,
cos they're the only ones
dumb enough to believe in it.
Francine: We're gonna die!
STEVE: I hate Christmas!
ALL SCREAMING
HUMBABA POWERS DOWN
Turn to stone much, ya giant scrote?
Steve, it's over.
You can have a boner
for Christmas again.
No more boners. I'm a man now.
It's time to let Christmas go.
Honey, I know you want
a normal Christmas, but...
But we can't have that.
We'll never have
a traditional Christmas.
Of course we can, son.
But it'll just have to be
our tradition
of having a terrible Christmas.
And we were wrong to try to skip it,
because Christmas
isn't something we skip.
It's something we... endure.
As a family.
TRAIN HISSES
KLAUS: We're moving!
Steve, does this mean...?
Yep!
My boner for Christmas is back!
Well, I'm gonna stick around,
move into Santa's castle.
You may never be able
to understand this,
but I've grown a little tired
of driving a bus in Baltimore.
Wait, you can fly?
Like a BLEEP angel!
HE SHOUTS
# Silent night
# Holy night
# All is calm... #
Have a great night!
Subtitles by TVT
GROANING
SMASHING SOUND
EERIE MUSIC PLAYS
We found the first stone.
Bring it to me.
EERIE MUSIC CONTINUES
I'm so close.
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
LAUGHS EVILLY
Oh!
Oh, no, I can't look!
Did I break it?
I feel like I broke it!
Seems fine.
Whew! That was a close one!
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes.
HE CACKLES
Oops!...
# Silent night
# Holy night
# All is calm
# All is bright
# Round young virgin
# Mother and child. #
RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES
Impeccable work on the dummies,
Francine.
I never realised how my hair
is exactly like
the bristles of a push-broom.
Yeah, I just see these things.
I don't know. I make connections.
Everyone into your cryo-sleep pods.
Are we really gonna skip Christmas?
Well, it is the time of year
that Santa tries to kill us.
Yeah, remember when he came at us
with that elf army?
Don't forget, he also murdered
Grandpa, and now Grandpa is Krampus.
And if it's not Santa,
it's something else.
No-one even's mentioning the time
I wished you all away,
and got a better family.
What?
Huh?
Sorry, what?
But there's been good times, too.
We all love
the Christmas Village in Chimdale.
We get the tree,
ride the little train.
I hate that place.
All those creeps on Grindr
just prowling around the tree farm.
Sickening.
And they always do you up
against some shabby Douglas Fir.
Finding pine needles for weeks,
good Lord.
So we're just
giving up on Christmas?
Christmas sucks, Steve. Let it go.
All right, if everything goes
according to plan,
we'll wake up on the 26th,
but if that awful Santa shows up,
as soon as he lays a hand
on those decoy dummies,
our pods will shoot
safely into the sewer system.
From there, Roger?
Sewers to Potomac to ocean,
and then the currents will take us
straight to Jimmy Buffett's yacht.
From there, it's nothing but
margaritas and old tan-lined tits.
BEEPING, WHIRRING
CLINKING
Gotta put your arms down, son.
God! He's overpowering me!
Stan, it's the dummy.
Wow! You even nailed
the texture of his skin.
Is this pizza?
No! No, it's not.
He's not here, either.
That means Steve's outside!
On Christmas Eve!
We have to find him.
Ooh, his browser history
shows he bought at ticket
to the Chimdale Polar Traintown
Christmas Village, off Route 2.
He's at the Christmas Village.
Of course.
He also searched for
"Muscle lady sexy,
"strong female looks
at camera bench press,
"Naked woman kettle bell strain."
Wow, what a pervert, right?
Klaus, we know you use
Steve's computer.
Let's leave Jeff in the pod.
We'll be right back
and he'll be safer there.
Good thinking, Hayley!
Surf's up, Jeff-er-ee! Hi-ya!
WHOOSHING
DRAMATIC JINGLE BELLS PLAYS
BRAKES SQUEAL
There he is!
Now, I don't like to say "Xmas"
but I love to write it.
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
We gotta get back to the pods!
Where's that train going?!
It just goes around the farm
in a little loop.
CHUCKLES
All our kids are on it.
Ooh, bad news, though.
You missed the conductor
handing out free candy canes.
You ever have one of these babies?
The flavour, it's...
How do I put it into words?
Oh! You know those Starlight Mints
you get at restaurants?
It's like one of those really got
a chance to stretch its legs.
Are you explaining a candy cane
to me?
Let him speak!
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
BRAKES SQUEAL
Excuse me.
When does the other train get back?
This is the only train.
But I just saw a train
pull out full of kids!
Sir, are you proposing
there's another train?
A "magic train" that, that
comes around when I'm not here?
I know you're being sarcastic, but
maybe that is what's happening here.
It has to be.
Ask one of these other parents.
Their kids were on the train, too.
SUCKING AND SLURPING NOISES
What? I don't have kids.
I've never had a child.
TO THE TUNE OF "NO SCRUBS - TLC"
# No kids...
No kids!
# No, I don't want no kids
# A kid is a thing
I don't have or want to have. #
This is so strange.
How can they have forgotten
their own children?
Do you think there might be
something in the candy canes?
HAYLEY GASPS
Oh, my God! That's it!
Who licked my candy cane?
Why am I fish?
I'm back from whatever I was doing.
What'd I miss?
Where the hell is Steve?!
TREES RUSTLING
I know what happened to your son.
He's in danger.
Are you seriously
trying to talk to me right now?
Do you not understand
how Grindr works?
We did what we came to do,
but now I'm with my family.
This is my real life.
You're way out of bounds.
Um, I think... I think you're
confusing me with someone else.
I was just saying
that your boy is in danger.
He's been taken to the North Pole.
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
Damn, Route 2 Traintown,
this is Rainforest Cafe-calibre
enchantment.
So you're telling me
that Steve has been abducted
and taken to the North Pole?
Mm-hmm.
OK, who did this?
The North Pole, that's a clue.
Maybe those white bears
or those tuxedo birds.
The ones like...
It was Santa Claus. I knew it!
For years, Santa has been stealing
children from around the world,
using them to work on some
mysterious project
in the North Pole.
How do you know all this?
Because I was one of his elves,
until he banished me.
He clipped my ears...
ALL: Ew!
..and stretched my body.
HAYLEY GAGS
My name's Puddin'!
Why were you banished?
Well, I didn't do anything wrong.
It's just like the culture up there
was really diseased
and it was all just,
like, clique-y politics
and people were really threatened
by clear communication.
You were the problem.
He was the problem.
Let's not sit around
and listen to some fired elf.
We have to get to the North Pole
and rescue Steve!
You can't just get
to the North Pole,
not without Christmas magic.
But you're in luck,
because I've got it.
Does anyone else have it,
or can you transfer it to us
somehow without touching us?
So we're pretending this is where
Santa mines his coal
for the bad kids?
Oh, I like it.
Light cardio followed by cocoa?
BOY GROANS
Oh, no!
This boy fainted!
He needs juice
and maybe a sugar cookie.
And what the hell?
I'll take one, too.
Oh, my God!
Steve Smith,
what the hell are you doing here?
Ah! Santa!
W...why are you Chimdale?
This is the North Pole, ya stupid!
Ha! It'll take more
than two elves to...
GROANING
HE SIGHS
Actually, two seems like overkill.
TRAIN CHUGGING, WHISTLE BLOWING
Getting this train
to the North Pole's
gonna take a little trick.
Just do it, Puddin'.
CLINK
TRAIN CHUGGING
SMASHING
We'll be dashed to pieces!
Not with my Christmas magic,
we won't!
The rocks are gonna open!
The season's rising up in me!
I believe!
I believe in the magic of Christmas.
Fa-la-la!
CRASH
Yeah, he didn't have
the Christmas magic.
For elves,
it's in the pointy part of the ears.
Read your Bible, people.
We still need Christmas magic.
I think we all know
where we have to go.
GUNSHOTS
SCREAMING
How much longer do we have to wait?
It's scary here.
Bus 435. It'll be here any second.
IMITATES BRAKES SQUEALING AND HISS
Bus is here!
Any of you guys looking to smash?
I call shotgun.
IN A CREEPY VOICE: The girl.
CRASH, DOOR HISSES
Well, if it isn't my no-good son
and his deadbeat friends.
Hey, Dad.
When I told you I was driving a bus
in Baltimore,
it was so you'd be impressed,
not so you'd visit me unannounced.
We need to get to the North Pole
right away,
and we need your Christmas magic
to get there.
I'm done with that Krampus stuff.
Punishing kids at Christmas?
Too much stress.
I had to get away,
grab myself a slice of paradise.
In Baltimore(?)
Well, technically,
I'm living in Woodlawn,
but, yes, for an out-of-towner,
"Baltimore."
But you don't understand, Krampus.
Santa has kidnapped Steve!
Steve Harvey?!
Santa's gone too far this time!
No! Steve Smith, your grandson!
Fine.
BUTTON CLICKS
MAN: Hey! I was going to the wharf
to yell at the bucket drummers!
Tough!
We're going to the North Pole.
Then I get to sleep on the bus!
This is not a hotel!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
ALL SCREAM
Oh, shut up.
PUDDIN': Yay!
WARPING SOUND
STAN: Where are we?
KRAMPUS: We're nowhere.
We're on a channel between time and
space, before and after all things.
Hey, you know, I was thinking,
we could call you "Grampus."
That is my name.
No, like with a "G," like...
like Grandpa and Krampus.
Behind the line!
Everyone needs to stay
behind the line!
SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE:
HORN HONKS
CRASHING
THEY GASP
BUS DOOR OPENS
Now to get into Santa's village,
we'll need disguises.
Well, well, well, I think I see the
perfect cover right before my eyes.
Fish for sale!
Got a fish for sale!
Mmm, fish! Finally! Head on in.
DOORS CREAK
EERIE "CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS
So you're really not here
to foil my plans?
No, I swear!
I was just trying to have
a nice Christmas.
Then what am I hassling you for?
Cut his throat,
but make it Christmassy.
He wants a nice Christmas.
Ah, ah!
Roger: Fish!
SMACKING SOUND
FRANCINE: Give us our son,
you jelly-bellied bastard!
I'm saved!
Ho-ho-ho! Smiths!
You're never gonna make it
out of the North Pole alive.
Oh, sir, we found the other stone.
Ooh! Let me see it!
Beautiful.
They're both mine.
Smiths, you're free to go.
STAN: Really?
At last, I'm ready to enter
the final stage of my grand design.
STAN: OK, then.
My grand design,
it will change everything.
STAN: Uh-huh.
We go out the way we came?
Yeah, it's two rights
and then a left.
But you're really not in the least
bit curious about what I'm doing?
My grand design?
STAN: Not, not particularly.
OK. But I have to say,
if you guys had a grand design,
I'd at least listen to it.
Of course, I've always been curious.
Even as a child, I took apart
my alarm clock to see how it worked,
but that's me and you guys are you.
And, uh,
I guess I gotta respect that.
STAN: Well, then, it's settled.
Seize them!
Now, in order to answer
all of your questions
about my grand design, we're going
to take a journey back in time.
They'll be a little movie,
a brief Q&A session,
and then I'm going to kill you.
Good luck!
I can only be stopped with a...
..copper pot!
What are you, cooking for cowboys?
Why the hell do you have this?!
Cue lights.
A long time ago in the fertile
riverlands of Mesopotamia,
there were an ancient people called
the Sumerians, and it is from them
that we inherit the world's oldest
and most well-known story.
Do I even need to say it?
The Epic Of Gilgamesh.
Ah! Of course, of course.
As the legend goes,
the hero Gilgamesh,
accompanied by his trusted friend
Enkidu,
travelled to the distant
Cedar Forest
and there confronted the ageless,
terrifying giant Humbaba.
ROARS
And when Gilgamesh defeated Humbaba,
cutting off his enormous head,
he was gifted
with the Seven Radiances.
Granting Gilgamesh
immeasurable power.
In some translations,
the "Radiances" are referred to
as the seven "Auras".
That's the Binderman translation!
He's a hack!
What scholars have gotten wrong,
including Binderman,
ESPECIALLY Binderman,
is they believe Humbaba
to be a metaphorical giant, a myth.
But the myth is real!
FANFARE PLAYS
Of course, I'm not the first to seek
the power of Humbaba.
There have been others.
Caesar, Bonaparte, Goebbels,
Temple Grandin.
But they all dug in the wrong place.
And why?
Because they got Pangaea wrong!
My calculations put the Cedar Forest
right under the North Pole!
Why else would
I base my operations here?
The weather(?!)
ROGER CHUCKLING: The weather.
And now,
with nothing left to stop me,
I will use Humbaba's eyes
to end Christmas forever!
STEVE: No!
Yes!
And usher in a new age
of unimaginable terrors
that must be seen to believed!
There are supposed to be
visuals here.
A bunch of CGI footage
of me flying around
and zapping buildings
with my fingers.
It worked in rehearsals!
Tony, why didn't...?
Tony, can we kill the music?!
MUSIC SWELLS, THEN CUTS OUT
Tony, why did the other stuff work
and this didn't?
TONY:
They were on different hard drives.
I wanna know why we did that,
but I also feel like I'm gonna be
really frustrated by the answer.
"CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS
Oh, my God, you've found him.
When I place the eyes
in Humbaba's stone face,
I'll receive the full power
of his Seven Radiances.
Or Auras.
Silence!
They're heavier than they look.
I dropped one earlier.
Now, to become a God!
# Ah, ah, ah
# Ah, oh, oh... #
Santa, no! You can't take
Christmas away forever.
What about peace on Earth
and goodwill towards men?
That's kids stuff.
One radiance, two radiances,
three, four, five, six, seven!
They're all here!
Now fly into my body, please!
It's a very subtle feeling.
STAN: They flew past you.
ROARING
ALL: Argh!
CLINKING
Argh! Whoa, things are going down.
LOUD CRASH
We have to climb the side!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
I'm supposed to be all-powerful!
Why is all my stuff
going in the mouth?!
What's happening in there anyways?!
Go look!
Uh, all I see is fire.
Goat legs ain't so great
for climbing, are they, dingus?
CLINK
Whoa!
LAUGHING
I knew you'd save me!
We're the two halves of Christmas,
locked in this dance forever!
Argh!
I don't dance with men.
GROUND CRACKING, ROARING
I thought it was just the head!
Not in Binderman's translation!
He theorised that the throat
was cut, but the body was intact!
I've never even seen you
read a magazine.
ROARING
To the train, everybody!
It's the only way
out of the North Pole!
It won't start!
It's powered by the love
of Christmas.
Won't move an inch without it.
First, the train needs Christmas
magic, then it needs Christmas love.
This is some Christmas
bullshit right here.
BRAKES SQUEAL
Christmas hate powers it in reverse.
STEVE SCOFFS
Christmas.
So stupid.
We have to go the other way!
Yeah, Steve.
Think about your Christmas love!
What's to love?
The whole holiday was just a front
for a slave mining operation,
because some lunatic
wanted to take over the world.
ROARING
ROGER: Steve, stop!
We're heading
right for Humbaba-ba-ba-ba!
Santa was right.
Christmas is kids' stuff,
cos they're the only ones
dumb enough to believe in it.
Francine: We're gonna die!
STEVE: I hate Christmas!
ALL SCREAMING
HUMBABA POWERS DOWN
Turn to stone much, ya giant scrote?
Steve, it's over.
You can have a boner
for Christmas again.
No more boners. I'm a man now.
It's time to let Christmas go.
Honey, I know you want
a normal Christmas, but...
But we can't have that.
We'll never have
a traditional Christmas.
Of course we can, son.
But it'll just have to be
our tradition
of having a terrible Christmas.
And we were wrong to try to skip it,
because Christmas
isn't something we skip.
It's something we... endure.
As a family.
TRAIN HISSES
KLAUS: We're moving!
Steve, does this mean...?
Yep!
My boner for Christmas is back!
Well, I'm gonna stick around,
move into Santa's castle.
You may never be able
to understand this,
but I've grown a little tired
of driving a bus in Baltimore.
Wait, you can fly?
Like a BLEEP angel!
HE SHOUTS
# Silent night
# Holy night
# All is calm... #
Have a great night!
Subtitles by TVT