American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 5 - The Mural of the Story - full transcript
Stan discovers that the Langley Falls historical mural has been ruined by graffiti, and convinces the town to allow him to restore it himself.
Ah, Saturday afternoon TV,
where the sneaky networks
hide all the good shows.
A guy with question marks
on his suit
yelling tax secrets at me,
"Rick Steves: Gloryholin' Europe,"
and of course,
the secret final episode
of "Caroline in the City".
Now the city is mine!
LAUGHS
Still holds up!
# I'll be ready
# I'll be ready
Never you fear... #
Well, suck me off through a hole
and call me Rick Steves,
what is this?
It's Baywatch.
You've never seen Baywatch?
Do you like this, Roger?
Franny,
I like the smell of gasoline.
I like to play with Stan's
ding-a-ling while he sleeps.
This. This, I love!
Wait, wha...?
What was that second thing?
Why were you keeping
the exciting world of lifeguards
from me? I'm watching upstairs!
Guys, we have huge news!
INHALES
We're gonna start trying for a baby!
SQUEALS AND LAUGHS
Steve, you're gonna be an uncle!
SQUEALS AND LAUGHS
And what will I be?
Oh, Klaus... You'll be nearby.
And Dad, you're gonna be a grandpa!
Dad? Dad, where are you going?
DOOR SLAMS AND TIRES SCREECH
How'd you get this car so fast?
I got it at Off Screen Motors.
Hey! No cameras!
We're never on camera!
Honey, why are you upset?
I'm excited
about being a grandmother!
Of course you are.
Society celebrates women
as they age.
It's different for men.
Aging just means
we're closer to death.
And I've got too much to live for.
I own a Corvette!
ENGINE REVS
Me too!
I just turned the same age
as my dad when he died!
TIRES SQUEAL
# Good morning, U-S-A
# I got a feelin'
That it's gonna be a wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shinin' a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say...
Good morning, U. S. A
# Good morning, U.S.A. #
What's all this?
I felt bad about how I reacted
to your wonderful news yesterday.
So I'm cooking breakfast
for my sweet daughter.
Aw, thanks, Dad.
Or should I say, "Grandpa"?
BLENDER WHIRS
Fresh squeezed OJ?
Great! I've never tried it blended!
Enjoy!
You know, Stan,
Tropicana makes an OJ
pre-mixed with birth control.
Country style, tons of pulp.
Mm, you gotta drink it with a fork.
To cover all my bases,
I've got something special
planned for Jeff.
Also, most flavours of Go-Gurt
can double as a pubic lice shampoo.
ENGINE REVS
Jeff, I wanted
to take you out to dinner
to celebrate your efforts
to impregnate my daughter.
It's not that much of an effort,
Mr S.
I just lie on top of her
and flop around like a fish.
Great. Excellent.
And here we are at the restaurant!
This place looks fancy.
I'm not sure I can afford it.
Well, Jeff, I've never known you
to pay for anything,
but it's interesting
that you still pretend to try.
That's why I bought a wallet.
Well, you bought me the wallet.
You know what I'm talking about?
The wallet!
Yes, the wallet, Jeff. The wallet.
So, you know, so I can go like this.
I can reach for it.
Yes, yes, that's the move, Jeff.
That's the move.
Wonderful.
Steve, you're giving away all
of your popular trademarked toys?
Yep, my GI Joels,
my Trans-Changers,
my "My Tiny Baby Horse,"
Warm Wheels,
Lettuce Field Gang doll,
My Pre-teen Radiated Judo Bullfrogs,
Giggle-Me-Elmer, Theo Ruxberg.
Even my Smorfs.
All classics.
So, why are you getting rid of them?
Well, I'm gonna be an uncle.
So it's time to put away
my childish things.
Things such as Leegos,
Malibu Barbara, Affection Bears.
Plus, of course, there's the matter
of my board games.
Slides and Stepstools,
Connect Three,
Starving Starving Rhinos,
Scrapple, Guess Whom,
Front-gammon,
Unincorporated Candy Township.
As you can see, I take being
an uncle very seriously.
I totally get it. I take
my family role very seriously, too.
You know, being "nearby."
Oh, Klaus.
Were you there when she said that?
BLOWS WHISTLE
Last warning, guys.
No glass in the swimming area.
Uh, this is my bedroom.
To us lifeguards,
the whole world is a swimming area.
See you nutsacks by the pool later.
Argh!
Get help, you nutsacks.
So, pretty sweet they gave us
a private dining room, huh?
But why do you think
the maitre d' shaved my junk?
This is an Italian restaurant.
Oh.
Hello, Mr Fischer.
I see you're prepped.
Now, this procedure...
Er, no need to hear the specials,
my good man. We know what we want.
I think I'll have the spaghetti.
Spaghetti? Jeff, never order out
what you can make at home.
I mean, OK, the sauce
is sometimes amazing, that's true.
And fresh pasta, can't beat that.
You know what?
I talked myself into it.
Make it two spaghettis.
How big is your minestrone?
Is this man not aware
he's here for a medical procedure?
Can you tell me a little bit more
about your "colonoscopy"?
Is that spicy?
I'm sorry, but I can't operate
on a man this stupid.
BAYWATCH THEME MUSIC
RECORD SCRATCHING
Wait!
Stop! Stop! What are you doing?
These are my opening credits.
Oh, sorry.
I was just taking out the garbage.
Did I mess things up?
Franny, be honest.
Do you think I have what it takes
to be a sexy lifeguard?
Roger,
I don't know what's happening.
Rough day at work?
Work?
Oh, yeah.
I should have gone to work.
I'm just so distracted
by this grandfather stuff.
Oh, Stan, I hoped
you were over that silliness.
Well, no matter.
It's out of our hands now.
What are you talking about?
Jeff and Hayley just left
for a romantic vacation
to the Atlantis Resort
in the Bahamas.
Oh, man.
Dudes get it IN at Atlantis.
We have to go to the Bahamas.
We do?
Yeah. We need to be supportive
and help them in any way we can.
If we wanna support Hayley
in this,
we should take her to the dog track.
That always gets my motor revvin'.
Seein' all those dogs run real fast.
So, you're saying I'm obsessed
with stopping Hayley
from having a baby
because of my relationship
with my grandparents?
Ridiculous!
They were nice people who grew older
and smaller and weaker
until I found them both dead.
I only asked
if you wanted an ocean view.
And let them fishes see me
while I sleep? Uh, no, thank you.
Where'd you get that doughnut?
I got it on the Welcome Pastry Cart.
Where'd you get that wine?
My suitcase.
Whoa...!
BAYWATCH THEME MUSIC
# Some people stand in the darkness
# Afraid to step into the light... #
MUSIC STOPS
MUSIC CONTINUES
# Some people need
# To help somebody... #
Dad? Da... Dad,
what are you doing here?
You forgot your orange juice.
Ugh. What is that pink scum on top?
That means this orange juice
is for a girl.
Dad, this was supposed to be
a romantic getaway.
I've got my partner...
CHANTING
Chug, chug! Chug, chug!
So, where's yours?
He's in the Jacuzzi.
Do you dare me
to put my wiener in the jet?
I do.
Hey, sluggers! I'm Mark!
I run the Kidz Klub for the hotel.
You cool dudes should join us.
We're making a hippo boat
out of milk cartons.
Mark, Mark, Mark.
Looks like you got a great thing
going here, Mark.
A week ago, I'd be rooting around
your Kidz Klub like a pig in shit.
However, I'm about to be an uncle.
So I'm looking for something
a little more mature.
Oh. I see.
Well, if you change your mind,
we'll always be here for you!
Don't bring that desperation
to my boy.
He's about to be an uncle.
You're a freakin' joke, buddy.
Huh! That's what I thought.
You know, this whole resort
feels like a Kidz Klub to me.
This isn't the real Bahamas.
Yeah, I was feeling that, too,
but you really put a bow on it.
Klaus, if I want to give
worldly uncle advice,
I gotta get out in the real world.
Didn't they say it's dangerous
outside of the resort?
Those warnings are for kids, Klaus.
SCREAMS
GLASS SQUEAKING
GRUNTING
I don't know why you're doing
what you're doing,
but it has to stop.
Hayley, I didn't want
to have to do this,
but I forbid you from having a baby.
I'm too young to be a grandfather.
Well, don't worry about it.
You're never gonna be one.
Ah, what a relief.
CHUCKLES
Hey, what do you say
you and me go pet that manta ray?
Because when I have a baby,
you won't be part of its life.
Hey! No running on the pool deck!
Did I get her?
THUD
Nope.
SIGHS
Rough one, too?
I'm miserable, even though
I've achieved every actor's dream.
Performing in a hotel water show.
It's a show about animal cruelty.
I play the villain,
Animal Strangling Johnson,
while Tyler gets to play the hero,
Ranger Ron.
You don't know what it's like
to have 200 people boo you
every night.
The most boos I've ever gotten
was like 60, maybe 70 people.
I would do anything
to get to play Ranger Ron.
LOWERS VOICE
Anything.
I get it. I would do anything
to keep my daughter and son-in-law
from having a baby.
Even murder?
What?
Eight Coronas, Jimmy.
Oh, hey, Stan.
Us lifeguards are having
a big bonfire on the beach later.
You should come.
But don't bring that guy.
He strangles animals. Boo!
Talking to you reminds me
of a fun idea I had once.
Does it?
You're not having that effect on me.
Now, let's say that you'd like
to kill off your son-in-law.
This isn't the fun idea, then?
But you can't,
because you'd get caught.
But let's say, hypothetically,
two fellas with no connection at all
meet up, and they swap murders,
hypothetically, of course.
Do you know
what "hypothetically" means?
Let's say, hypothetically, I do.
We good?
I think so?
But do not kill my son-in-law.
I can't be any more clear
about that.
You got it.
Great.
You know,
I was just thinking about it,
and the fact that you winked at me
makes me think
that you might wanna sleep with me.
And although I'm flattered,
and maybe even a little bit curious,
um, I am a happily married man.
And, um, I'm gonna have to say...
No.
Did you say something? OK.
So, your story
is that you just walked away
from the Atlantis Resort?
Yes, th... That's right.
Could I get a glass of water?
It's very humid.
You expect me to believe
that you left seven pools,
a casual dining bistro,
and a turquoise shop?
That's everything
a little boy could dream of
unless that little boy
is a D.E.A junior agent!
What? The D.E.A wouldn't even have
jurisdiction down here.
Mr D.E.A quoting from
the D.E.A handbook!
Kill them and feed them to the pigs.
SCREAMS
Please don't kill me!
I'm gonna be an uncle!
Wait. You're going to be an uncle?
Why didn't you say so?
I am an uncle myself.
I'm gonna be the best uncle ever.
Next to me. My niece is so cute.
She can't say "mosquito".
She says "momito".
"Uncle Drake,
I am covered in momito bites."
LAUGHS
You know, I've been looking
for an uncle type
to step up in my organisation.
Joining a violent drug gang.
I don't know.
Raising a child is expensive.
A rich uncle could really help out.
Listen to your fish.
Hmm. You're not gonna sell this
to any white people, are you?
Not directly.
I'm in!
CELLPHONE BUZZES
GROANS
Who's texting me this early?
CELLPHONE CHIMES
"Whoa! How about you just chill?"
Surfer emoji.
Should I put a snowflake on there
to really sell the chill?
Oh, God, I gotta find Jeff!
DOOR SLAMS
Where am I? A hotel room!
You're getting a lot better
at drinking, Francine.
Jeff's not in his room.
All right, if I'm gonna find him,
I've got to think like him.
OK, I'm a 20-year-old stoner
trying to bang my daughter.
Where would I go?
Donny! Wait!
Ah! My back!
Oh! Oh...
ITALIAN ACCENT
My cart!
My grandfather's pastry cart!
You promised me we would find
a better life here on the island!
SIGHS
I should have married Giuseppe.
YELLS
Giuseppe!
Now, be careful out there, girls.
I can handle losing
a few grams of product.
I don't know what I'd do
if I lost one of you.
ALL: Aww!
Now I'll quit jibber-jabbering
and let you girls stuff
those coke condoms up your asses.
Great work, Shazmayne.
You too, Sydney.
Mateo, buddy, what's wrong?
Where's that famous Mateo smile?
Mateo smile hides today.
Well, that's no good.
Want me to buy you a poster
of the planets?
No, Mr Uncle Steve.
It's just, uh, well, Mr Klaus...
He's sort of...
Sort of what?
First,
I told you I wanna be called Razor.
How hard is that to remember?
Maybe you need a little reminder
every time you dance!
Um, Razor. A word.
You've been acting
a little erratic lately.
I know. It's terrible.
I think I know what it might be.
INHALES DEEPLY
Gah. I feel, like,
super-disconnected from the family.
I mean, Hayley said that thing
about me being "nearby",
and it got me spinning out,
and I feel like... Hold on.
INHALES DEEPLY
I feel like I'm trying
to make the gang a new family,
but the "Razor" thing? I mean,
it's just not a home run yet.
What? Ridiculous!
You're "the Razor"!
That means something around here.
Maybe just a little less coke,
a little less
threatening people's toes.
Who says I'm doing too much coke?!
OK, shoes on, everyone.
Razor's in one of his moods.
GROANS
Here you go, old-timer.
GROANING
Gotta find Jeff.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Hey! Where'd you get that popsicle?
Is that a Rocket Pop?
They told me they were out.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Damn it, Roger! My ears!
Bitch got my pop!
Eh?
Give us back our ball!
Eh?
God, I hate old people. Get him!
Eh? No!
INDISTINCT SHOUTING
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
It has come to my attention
that we're light on product
this month.
Someone is ripping me off!
Who do you think it is?
My money's on Mateo.
Just give me the word,
and I'll cut him.
I'll do it in the town square.
That way, everyone knows
who runs this BLEEP island.
Shut up!
I know it was one of you two.
And you're both going to die.
I knew it was a mistake
to mix business and uncles.
CRASHES
I told you we'd always be here
for you, Steve! Glue guns now, gang!
GROANING
Way to go, P.J!
We're all helping equally.
Come on, Steve!
I didn't know Kids Klub
was so bad-ass!
You know, I've never lost a kid.
SCREAMS
You're amazing, Mark!
Mm! Mm!
BAYWATCH THEME MUSIC
MUSIC STOPS
VOMITS AND COUGHS
Jeff!
Argh!
Kids, look!
That's Animal Strangling Johnson!
Donny, catch!
INDISTINCT SHOUTING
SCREAMING
What the hell is going on, Dad?
I'm so sorry
for being such an idiot.
I thought I was too young
to be a grandfather.
But now I realize
young is the best time to do it.
If I wait too long
to have grandchildren,
they're gonna drown me in a pool.
Come to think of it,
that's how I killed my grandfather.
I'm a little confused.
What's happening?
What's happening
is that I'm giving you two
my blessing to have children.
Aww. Thanks, Dad.
BAYWATCH THEME MUSIC
Glad you came around, Stan.
That's gonna be one hell of a baby.
Thanks, Roger.
Yep. Half human, half alien.
Gonna be one gorgeous splice baby.
What are you talking about?
Oh, yeah. You don't remember.
LAUGHS
Isn't that ironic that I forget
that your minds were erased?
LAUGHS
Anyway, Jeff's brain
is in an alien body.
It was a whole thing in space.
And nobody but me knows.
And now you.
And the guy who's behind us
who won't stop eavesdropping!
We know you're not asleep, buddy.
Sorry, I'm just naturally curious.
Wow, Jeff. That was amazing.
Look, Mr S! I fell in the toilet!
Are you sure about this?
That your daughter's married
to an alien with superpowers?
Yeah, babe.
Superpowers?
ANNOUNCER: 'That's right, Dadders.
Jeff has superpowers.
'Tune in next week
and see if we deal with that.
'And maybe Reginald will come back.'
Bye bye, see you soon.
Subtitles by TVT
where the sneaky networks
hide all the good shows.
A guy with question marks
on his suit
yelling tax secrets at me,
"Rick Steves: Gloryholin' Europe,"
and of course,
the secret final episode
of "Caroline in the City".
Now the city is mine!
LAUGHS
Still holds up!
# I'll be ready
# I'll be ready
Never you fear... #
Well, suck me off through a hole
and call me Rick Steves,
what is this?
It's Baywatch.
You've never seen Baywatch?
Do you like this, Roger?
Franny,
I like the smell of gasoline.
I like to play with Stan's
ding-a-ling while he sleeps.
This. This, I love!
Wait, wha...?
What was that second thing?
Why were you keeping
the exciting world of lifeguards
from me? I'm watching upstairs!
Guys, we have huge news!
INHALES
We're gonna start trying for a baby!
SQUEALS AND LAUGHS
Steve, you're gonna be an uncle!
SQUEALS AND LAUGHS
And what will I be?
Oh, Klaus... You'll be nearby.
And Dad, you're gonna be a grandpa!
Dad? Dad, where are you going?
DOOR SLAMS AND TIRES SCREECH
How'd you get this car so fast?
I got it at Off Screen Motors.
Hey! No cameras!
We're never on camera!
Honey, why are you upset?
I'm excited
about being a grandmother!
Of course you are.
Society celebrates women
as they age.
It's different for men.
Aging just means
we're closer to death.
And I've got too much to live for.
I own a Corvette!
ENGINE REVS
Me too!
I just turned the same age
as my dad when he died!
TIRES SQUEAL
# Good morning, U-S-A
# I got a feelin'
That it's gonna be a wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shinin' a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say...
Good morning, U. S. A
# Good morning, U.S.A. #
What's all this?
I felt bad about how I reacted
to your wonderful news yesterday.
So I'm cooking breakfast
for my sweet daughter.
Aw, thanks, Dad.
Or should I say, "Grandpa"?
BLENDER WHIRS
Fresh squeezed OJ?
Great! I've never tried it blended!
Enjoy!
You know, Stan,
Tropicana makes an OJ
pre-mixed with birth control.
Country style, tons of pulp.
Mm, you gotta drink it with a fork.
To cover all my bases,
I've got something special
planned for Jeff.
Also, most flavours of Go-Gurt
can double as a pubic lice shampoo.
ENGINE REVS
Jeff, I wanted
to take you out to dinner
to celebrate your efforts
to impregnate my daughter.
It's not that much of an effort,
Mr S.
I just lie on top of her
and flop around like a fish.
Great. Excellent.
And here we are at the restaurant!
This place looks fancy.
I'm not sure I can afford it.
Well, Jeff, I've never known you
to pay for anything,
but it's interesting
that you still pretend to try.
That's why I bought a wallet.
Well, you bought me the wallet.
You know what I'm talking about?
The wallet!
Yes, the wallet, Jeff. The wallet.
So, you know, so I can go like this.
I can reach for it.
Yes, yes, that's the move, Jeff.
That's the move.
Wonderful.
Steve, you're giving away all
of your popular trademarked toys?
Yep, my GI Joels,
my Trans-Changers,
my "My Tiny Baby Horse,"
Warm Wheels,
Lettuce Field Gang doll,
My Pre-teen Radiated Judo Bullfrogs,
Giggle-Me-Elmer, Theo Ruxberg.
Even my Smorfs.
All classics.
So, why are you getting rid of them?
Well, I'm gonna be an uncle.
So it's time to put away
my childish things.
Things such as Leegos,
Malibu Barbara, Affection Bears.
Plus, of course, there's the matter
of my board games.
Slides and Stepstools,
Connect Three,
Starving Starving Rhinos,
Scrapple, Guess Whom,
Front-gammon,
Unincorporated Candy Township.
As you can see, I take being
an uncle very seriously.
I totally get it. I take
my family role very seriously, too.
You know, being "nearby."
Oh, Klaus.
Were you there when she said that?
BLOWS WHISTLE
Last warning, guys.
No glass in the swimming area.
Uh, this is my bedroom.
To us lifeguards,
the whole world is a swimming area.
See you nutsacks by the pool later.
Argh!
Get help, you nutsacks.
So, pretty sweet they gave us
a private dining room, huh?
But why do you think
the maitre d' shaved my junk?
This is an Italian restaurant.
Oh.
Hello, Mr Fischer.
I see you're prepped.
Now, this procedure...
Er, no need to hear the specials,
my good man. We know what we want.
I think I'll have the spaghetti.
Spaghetti? Jeff, never order out
what you can make at home.
I mean, OK, the sauce
is sometimes amazing, that's true.
And fresh pasta, can't beat that.
You know what?
I talked myself into it.
Make it two spaghettis.
How big is your minestrone?
Is this man not aware
he's here for a medical procedure?
Can you tell me a little bit more
about your "colonoscopy"?
Is that spicy?
I'm sorry, but I can't operate
on a man this stupid.
BAYWATCH THEME MUSIC
RECORD SCRATCHING
Wait!
Stop! Stop! What are you doing?
These are my opening credits.
Oh, sorry.
I was just taking out the garbage.
Did I mess things up?
Franny, be honest.
Do you think I have what it takes
to be a sexy lifeguard?
Roger,
I don't know what's happening.
Rough day at work?
Work?
Oh, yeah.
I should have gone to work.
I'm just so distracted
by this grandfather stuff.
Oh, Stan, I hoped
you were over that silliness.
Well, no matter.
It's out of our hands now.
What are you talking about?
Jeff and Hayley just left
for a romantic vacation
to the Atlantis Resort
in the Bahamas.
Oh, man.
Dudes get it IN at Atlantis.
We have to go to the Bahamas.
We do?
Yeah. We need to be supportive
and help them in any way we can.
If we wanna support Hayley
in this,
we should take her to the dog track.
That always gets my motor revvin'.
Seein' all those dogs run real fast.
So, you're saying I'm obsessed
with stopping Hayley
from having a baby
because of my relationship
with my grandparents?
Ridiculous!
They were nice people who grew older
and smaller and weaker
until I found them both dead.
I only asked
if you wanted an ocean view.
And let them fishes see me
while I sleep? Uh, no, thank you.
Where'd you get that doughnut?
I got it on the Welcome Pastry Cart.
Where'd you get that wine?
My suitcase.
Whoa...!
BAYWATCH THEME MUSIC
# Some people stand in the darkness
# Afraid to step into the light... #
MUSIC STOPS
MUSIC CONTINUES
# Some people need
# To help somebody... #
Dad? Da... Dad,
what are you doing here?
You forgot your orange juice.
Ugh. What is that pink scum on top?
That means this orange juice
is for a girl.
Dad, this was supposed to be
a romantic getaway.
I've got my partner...
CHANTING
Chug, chug! Chug, chug!
So, where's yours?
He's in the Jacuzzi.
Do you dare me
to put my wiener in the jet?
I do.
Hey, sluggers! I'm Mark!
I run the Kidz Klub for the hotel.
You cool dudes should join us.
We're making a hippo boat
out of milk cartons.
Mark, Mark, Mark.
Looks like you got a great thing
going here, Mark.
A week ago, I'd be rooting around
your Kidz Klub like a pig in shit.
However, I'm about to be an uncle.
So I'm looking for something
a little more mature.
Oh. I see.
Well, if you change your mind,
we'll always be here for you!
Don't bring that desperation
to my boy.
He's about to be an uncle.
You're a freakin' joke, buddy.
Huh! That's what I thought.
You know, this whole resort
feels like a Kidz Klub to me.
This isn't the real Bahamas.
Yeah, I was feeling that, too,
but you really put a bow on it.
Klaus, if I want to give
worldly uncle advice,
I gotta get out in the real world.
Didn't they say it's dangerous
outside of the resort?
Those warnings are for kids, Klaus.
SCREAMS
GLASS SQUEAKING
GRUNTING
I don't know why you're doing
what you're doing,
but it has to stop.
Hayley, I didn't want
to have to do this,
but I forbid you from having a baby.
I'm too young to be a grandfather.
Well, don't worry about it.
You're never gonna be one.
Ah, what a relief.
CHUCKLES
Hey, what do you say
you and me go pet that manta ray?
Because when I have a baby,
you won't be part of its life.
Hey! No running on the pool deck!
Did I get her?
THUD
Nope.
SIGHS
Rough one, too?
I'm miserable, even though
I've achieved every actor's dream.
Performing in a hotel water show.
It's a show about animal cruelty.
I play the villain,
Animal Strangling Johnson,
while Tyler gets to play the hero,
Ranger Ron.
You don't know what it's like
to have 200 people boo you
every night.
The most boos I've ever gotten
was like 60, maybe 70 people.
I would do anything
to get to play Ranger Ron.
LOWERS VOICE
Anything.
I get it. I would do anything
to keep my daughter and son-in-law
from having a baby.
Even murder?
What?
Eight Coronas, Jimmy.
Oh, hey, Stan.
Us lifeguards are having
a big bonfire on the beach later.
You should come.
But don't bring that guy.
He strangles animals. Boo!
Talking to you reminds me
of a fun idea I had once.
Does it?
You're not having that effect on me.
Now, let's say that you'd like
to kill off your son-in-law.
This isn't the fun idea, then?
But you can't,
because you'd get caught.
But let's say, hypothetically,
two fellas with no connection at all
meet up, and they swap murders,
hypothetically, of course.
Do you know
what "hypothetically" means?
Let's say, hypothetically, I do.
We good?
I think so?
But do not kill my son-in-law.
I can't be any more clear
about that.
You got it.
Great.
You know,
I was just thinking about it,
and the fact that you winked at me
makes me think
that you might wanna sleep with me.
And although I'm flattered,
and maybe even a little bit curious,
um, I am a happily married man.
And, um, I'm gonna have to say...
No.
Did you say something? OK.
So, your story
is that you just walked away
from the Atlantis Resort?
Yes, th... That's right.
Could I get a glass of water?
It's very humid.
You expect me to believe
that you left seven pools,
a casual dining bistro,
and a turquoise shop?
That's everything
a little boy could dream of
unless that little boy
is a D.E.A junior agent!
What? The D.E.A wouldn't even have
jurisdiction down here.
Mr D.E.A quoting from
the D.E.A handbook!
Kill them and feed them to the pigs.
SCREAMS
Please don't kill me!
I'm gonna be an uncle!
Wait. You're going to be an uncle?
Why didn't you say so?
I am an uncle myself.
I'm gonna be the best uncle ever.
Next to me. My niece is so cute.
She can't say "mosquito".
She says "momito".
"Uncle Drake,
I am covered in momito bites."
LAUGHS
You know, I've been looking
for an uncle type
to step up in my organisation.
Joining a violent drug gang.
I don't know.
Raising a child is expensive.
A rich uncle could really help out.
Listen to your fish.
Hmm. You're not gonna sell this
to any white people, are you?
Not directly.
I'm in!
CELLPHONE BUZZES
GROANS
Who's texting me this early?
CELLPHONE CHIMES
"Whoa! How about you just chill?"
Surfer emoji.
Should I put a snowflake on there
to really sell the chill?
Oh, God, I gotta find Jeff!
DOOR SLAMS
Where am I? A hotel room!
You're getting a lot better
at drinking, Francine.
Jeff's not in his room.
All right, if I'm gonna find him,
I've got to think like him.
OK, I'm a 20-year-old stoner
trying to bang my daughter.
Where would I go?
Donny! Wait!
Ah! My back!
Oh! Oh...
ITALIAN ACCENT
My cart!
My grandfather's pastry cart!
You promised me we would find
a better life here on the island!
SIGHS
I should have married Giuseppe.
YELLS
Giuseppe!
Now, be careful out there, girls.
I can handle losing
a few grams of product.
I don't know what I'd do
if I lost one of you.
ALL: Aww!
Now I'll quit jibber-jabbering
and let you girls stuff
those coke condoms up your asses.
Great work, Shazmayne.
You too, Sydney.
Mateo, buddy, what's wrong?
Where's that famous Mateo smile?
Mateo smile hides today.
Well, that's no good.
Want me to buy you a poster
of the planets?
No, Mr Uncle Steve.
It's just, uh, well, Mr Klaus...
He's sort of...
Sort of what?
First,
I told you I wanna be called Razor.
How hard is that to remember?
Maybe you need a little reminder
every time you dance!
Um, Razor. A word.
You've been acting
a little erratic lately.
I know. It's terrible.
I think I know what it might be.
INHALES DEEPLY
Gah. I feel, like,
super-disconnected from the family.
I mean, Hayley said that thing
about me being "nearby",
and it got me spinning out,
and I feel like... Hold on.
INHALES DEEPLY
I feel like I'm trying
to make the gang a new family,
but the "Razor" thing? I mean,
it's just not a home run yet.
What? Ridiculous!
You're "the Razor"!
That means something around here.
Maybe just a little less coke,
a little less
threatening people's toes.
Who says I'm doing too much coke?!
OK, shoes on, everyone.
Razor's in one of his moods.
GROANS
Here you go, old-timer.
GROANING
Gotta find Jeff.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Hey! Where'd you get that popsicle?
Is that a Rocket Pop?
They told me they were out.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Damn it, Roger! My ears!
Bitch got my pop!
Eh?
Give us back our ball!
Eh?
God, I hate old people. Get him!
Eh? No!
INDISTINCT SHOUTING
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
It has come to my attention
that we're light on product
this month.
Someone is ripping me off!
Who do you think it is?
My money's on Mateo.
Just give me the word,
and I'll cut him.
I'll do it in the town square.
That way, everyone knows
who runs this BLEEP island.
Shut up!
I know it was one of you two.
And you're both going to die.
I knew it was a mistake
to mix business and uncles.
CRASHES
I told you we'd always be here
for you, Steve! Glue guns now, gang!
GROANING
Way to go, P.J!
We're all helping equally.
Come on, Steve!
I didn't know Kids Klub
was so bad-ass!
You know, I've never lost a kid.
SCREAMS
You're amazing, Mark!
Mm! Mm!
BAYWATCH THEME MUSIC
MUSIC STOPS
VOMITS AND COUGHS
Jeff!
Argh!
Kids, look!
That's Animal Strangling Johnson!
Donny, catch!
INDISTINCT SHOUTING
SCREAMING
What the hell is going on, Dad?
I'm so sorry
for being such an idiot.
I thought I was too young
to be a grandfather.
But now I realize
young is the best time to do it.
If I wait too long
to have grandchildren,
they're gonna drown me in a pool.
Come to think of it,
that's how I killed my grandfather.
I'm a little confused.
What's happening?
What's happening
is that I'm giving you two
my blessing to have children.
Aww. Thanks, Dad.
BAYWATCH THEME MUSIC
Glad you came around, Stan.
That's gonna be one hell of a baby.
Thanks, Roger.
Yep. Half human, half alien.
Gonna be one gorgeous splice baby.
What are you talking about?
Oh, yeah. You don't remember.
LAUGHS
Isn't that ironic that I forget
that your minds were erased?
LAUGHS
Anyway, Jeff's brain
is in an alien body.
It was a whole thing in space.
And nobody but me knows.
And now you.
And the guy who's behind us
who won't stop eavesdropping!
We know you're not asleep, buddy.
Sorry, I'm just naturally curious.
Wow, Jeff. That was amazing.
Look, Mr S! I fell in the toilet!
Are you sure about this?
That your daughter's married
to an alien with superpowers?
Yeah, babe.
Superpowers?
ANNOUNCER: 'That's right, Dadders.
Jeff has superpowers.
'Tune in next week
and see if we deal with that.
'And maybe Reginald will come back.'
Bye bye, see you soon.
Subtitles by TVT