American Dad! (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 4 - Shell Game - full transcript
Steve tries to stop Roger after he joins a mysterious order of birds' egg thieves; Francine buys a new Italian sauce.
Tell me I'm wrong,
cos I'm never wrong about oatmeal.
SLURPING
You know, you really can taste
a difference with the steel-cut.
Thank you.
Thank you for trusting me to
take you on this breakfast journey.
Shit!
Ugh, excuse you?
They did it. They finally did it.
Finally made a Junior Jumble
you couldn't master, huh?
Here, let me take a look.
They freaking did it!
Did what?
The Langley Falls Art Museum
has acquired...
The paintings...
Of Reynolds...
..Jasperterian.
Who's that?
It's philistine attitudes like that,
that have kept this rinky-dink burg
off the cultural map!
Roger, please, your tone!
You know who's the best artist?
Gary Larson.
He took us all to the far side
and kept us chuckling.
SIGHS
You know, Roger,
I knew Reynolds Jasperterian.
You did?
Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit.
Francine, do we have any honey?
FOOTSTEPS
SQUIRTS
SPITS FOOD OUT
What?
You knew Reynolds Jasperterian?!
Knew him? He painted my portrait.
Ahem! The Smiths are going
to the art museum!
That includes me.
I took Hayley's last name.
I'm the wife!
PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS
# Good morning, U. S. A.
# I got a feeling that it's gonna be
A wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say
# Good morning, U. S. A. #
# Good morning, U. S. A. #
MAN: Fearing it was hurting his art,
Jasperterian spurned the party scene
of New York City.
But he died anyway,
of party-related diseases,
in the arms of the wife
he had so often humiliated.
Roger, I'm surprised.
I thought Reynolds Jasperterian
was gonna be you.
I gotta tell you, I did, too.
GASPS
Oh, Reynolds.
Big whoop. I'm in the CIA.
CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING
What's this line for?
To see Jasperterian's masterpiece.
Does it have two funny animals
and a joke?
A fat kid wearing glasses and
a hilarious observation underneath?
If not, I'm like that T-Rex watching
the asteroid hurl towards Earth.
Ugh, cheque, please.
No! It's his
"Portrait Of Francine's Genitals."
Wait, what?
Astounding.
What an achievement.
MUSIC JINGLE
No! All of you, stop looking!
Don't look at this! This is private!
Take your eyes off this!
CLATTERING
MAN: Clean-up on aisle mid-century,
post-Modernism.
Nobody look!
SCREAMING
Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you kids,
the portrait is of my box.
STEVE: I can't unsee any of this,
can I?
Where did you get that
falafel pitta?
I had it in my pocket.
LAUGHING
Ah, Stan Smith, the fellow
whose wife's pudenda we all saw
on the wall of the art museum.
I also got the tote bag.
And I stuffed it with zucchinis.
I thought last year's
Matisse exhibition was a thrill.
But to witness a Jasperterian
in person...
You shut your filthy mouth!
SMASHING
Ooh, yes. It's going to be
a very amusing day.
Argh!
Oh, what a day.
This is some day, I'll tell ya.
Steve, what are you doing out there?
Yeah, you're usually in your room
moaning at some mysterious activity.
Well, I had my normal afternoon
all planned out.
Shades were drawn,
my favourite pages were bookmarked
and waiting for me.
My Korean micro-fiber polishing
mitten rinsed out and almost dry.
I untied the drawstring
of my loose-fitting Gypsy pants...
OK, set the scene less.
But there was one problem...
No matter what I looked at,
all I saw was...
That painting.
SCREAMS
I think I'm broken!
It's no big deal, Steve.
Mom's always flashing me that thing.
"Does this look right to you?"
Ew.
Maybe you can use
your newfound time to help people.
Like how I'm helping Jeff with his
colouring. I'm ready for red now.
Are you sure you're done
with the green?
Wait! One more thing.
HUMMING
You! You embarrassed me
in front of everybody!
By making London broil?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't drag
your delicious London broil
into a conversation about
that filthy painting!
Are you still upset about that?
That painting was years ago.
Besides, it's an honour
to inspire great art.
I don't intend to share my property
with the low-brow pond scum
that frequent art museums.
I'm sorry, Stan, did you say,
"Your property?"
Well, yeah. That part of you
is owned by me.
That's what our wedding
was all about, right?
I hope you can learn
to enjoy the portrait, Stan,
because you don't deserve to enjoy
the real thing!
Francine, wait!
KLAUS: Oh, hi, Francine.
Excited for that London broil.
Oh, OK, you're storming upstairs.
Francine! She stormed upstairs
in a huff, Stan!
Oh, but maybe you'd like to come in,
chat with your friend Klaus.
Maybe clean my bowl!
Yeah, maybe. Let me think it over.
OK. It's just that Roger's
minor-league baseball character,
Rusty Buntafolio, spits tobacco
in my bowl when he's frustrated.
DOOR SLAMS
Oh, hey, Rusty. How was the game?
RUSTY: Horrible! Argh!
They pulled me after one pitch.
My arm feels like
a sock full of sand.
They're sending me down to Delmarva,
I just know it.
Rusty, please!
SPITTING
I don't understand!
You have an empty Slurpee cup!
WOMAN: It's so brave, you know.
To empower a woman's body
through art.
Yeah. I... I love how...
How it's so feminist.
We're just friends, Duncan.
Right, right, definitely.
Hey.
Is this truly a great painting?
Er, yeah. Definitely.
I... I mean, the way the artist
takes her most private space
and exposes it for all of us
to consume.
You sick little man!
Ugh!
Not in front of my girlfriend!
Your what?
My nothing.
Art fan, huh?
Me too. I love art.
Stealing it, that is.
Tato Montacello, art heist guy.
Of course! Steal the painting!
Exactly. And I'm gonna help you,
because, are you ready?
This is a good one. I cannot believe
this hasn't been in a movie already.
Stealing art is...
The greatest art of all.
Oh, screw you, Stan!
If Gary Larson drew a cow with
curlers in its hair saying that,
you'd be dying!
CHUCKLES
Cheque, please.
LAUGHING
ENGINE REVS
So, you want to steal a painting?
Well, you're gonna need a crew.
And the crew is here in Monaco?
Oh, we're just in Monaco,
because Monaco is where
you have this conversation.
Most of the crew is Jersey-based.
Now, you need a crew you can trust.
But trust among art thieves?
Let's just say,
it's rarer than a Picasso.
Are Picassos rare?
Wait, we could've had
this conversation in the kitchen?
Oh, please! You wanted this trip,
you needed this trip.
What, with the stress you have
going on with the painting?
Stan, trust me, you needed to relax.
And the walking tour?
You didn't enjoy that?
I was impressed by the walking tour.
Exactly! That's the Monaco
most tourists don't get to see.
Anyway, we should really be
getting back. Our flight's in, like,
an hour and a half. Damn it,
we're gonna be late! Hold on!
SCREECHING TYRES
SNIFFLING
Are you crying?
What? Of course not!
Because Stan and Roger
have time to fly to Monaco,
but no time to change my bowl water?
You think I'm crying
because of that?
Helping Klaus.
That could count as helping people.
Oh, it definitely counts.
Don't doubt yourself for a second.
Helping others is my new hobby
ever since I saw
the painting of Mom's junk.
Sure, sure. Whatever road
brought you here.
Ugh! This is filthy!
Shouldn't you have a bowl
with a filter?
All that aquarium stuff?
Yes. Yes, I should.
But that might be expensive.
Let's agree to go to the store,
but maybe not buy anything.
Yes!
A small win for Klaus!
He was a phenomenal talent,
but to me, he was just... Reynolds.
Mmm, yes.
And you'd say you opened up to him?
LAUGHING
I admit this is
the Art History Minor talking,
but I would really like to hear
about Jasperterian's ideas on...
THUD
You shut your filthy mouth, Dick!
Stan!
Relax, Smith. Just art lovers
discussing the glorious painting
of your wife's thing-a-ma-boo.
Although, I must apologise for Dick.
He was out of line.
Well, we're off to
the Mapplethorpe exhibit at the Met.
With any luck,
that will get us hard.
Francine, can't you see
you're embarrassing me?
Genitals aren't something
that should be shown to the world!
They're not called show-nitals.
The term, "genitals",
comes from the Aladdin word genie,
and like a genie, they should
only come out when they're rubbed.
Stan, you're embarrassing yourself.
Ahem...
Tato Montacello, art heist... Wait,
did I already do my introduction?
Yeah, we went to Monaco.
Really? Long way to go
to meet somebody.
Anyway, tonight,
we make that painting disappear!
To pull off this heist,
we need muscle.
The Ignatiev Twins
weigh 700 pounds combined,
and grew up eating raw horse meat
in Dagestan.
They still love horse meat.
It's disgusting.
Their breath smells like horse meat.
Whatever, it's one night,
you'll survive.
Next, we need a lockpick.
Claude Verdeer is the Belgian with
the smallest fingers in the world.
It's gross,
and he always wants to shake hands.
But I know he can tell that
I don't wanna shake hands.
Whatever, it's one night,
you'll survive.
Then we'll need an explosives guy.
We can either get
Bang Bang Fukanawa or Josh.
Fine, get Bang Bang Fukanawa.
Wait, why do we need
an explosives guy?
Won't the Belgian guy get us in?
Mm, good point.
I thought we agreed
no explosives guy?
Right...
Josh, wait!
EXPLOSION
Josh? The guy we didn't need was
supposed to be Bang Bang Fukanawa.
Oh, so I was second choice?
Look, you're here and he's not.
Chicharito,
the Guatemalan contortionist.
Finally,
we need a sexually explosive,
unpredictable woman.
PHONE ALERT TONE
Tato, it's PayPal.
Payment no go through.
Hmm. Well, do you accept...
KARATE CHOPS?
LIGHT THUD
WHISPERS: Stan, finish him off.
That's the last time
you screw me, Tato.
ALARM BLARES
Mmm...
Maybe one more time.
SCREAMS
MAN: Hey!
PANTING
OK, let's give each other notes
on the heist.
Stan, good job, but I thought
you could've worn a better outfit.
What else? I'd work with Josh again.
Look, thanks for the help, Roger,
but this is a solo job.
A solo job?
Sounds like Steve
before he got into helping people.
I wonder if he's still doing that.
Argh!
We're talking top-to-bottom
tank renovation, here.
Steve, what's gotten into you?
Your skin is clearer,
your voice sounds deeper.
It started happening once I stopped
touching myself all the time.
Funny, I find the more I touch
myself, the deeper my voice gets.
Now, let's talk about
premium aquarium filters.
Sounds like what you want
is a Tunze AquaWind.
You sure?
Cos I been hearing good things
about the new DeSanio's.
CHUCKLES
Sure, if you want to replace it
every four weeks.
Sounds like I better do
a little more research.
You know, it's really weird
that you own an aquarium store.
The regulars here think
it's weird I'm a principal.
Excuse me.
I'd like to see somebody
about getting a painting taken down.
I'm sick of arguing about it
with my husband.
It makes him... Uncomfortable.
An uncomfortable husband?
The director will want to hear
about this straightaway!
SNIFFLING
Excuse me, are you crying?
Er, yes, I suppose I was.
It's just...
This reminds me of my genitals
when they were young and flush.
PENCIL SCRATCHING
Are you copying this painting?
Trying...
It's an assignment for class.
"Copy the masters."
But, gosh, I'm no Jasperterian.
How did he know what to leave out?
It's boota-ful!
PANTING
There you are.
Our director will see you
in just a moment.
PANTING
The woman changed her mind.
Sylvia, we have an intercom.
That portrait certainly does
inspire intense fascination.
Last night,
we had a thwarted robbery attempt.
Oh, no!
I'm afraid so.
Hence the need
for another security guard.
We're lucky you walked in.
And with your CIA experience.
Now, you do resemble a maniac
our guards...
Right, but as I explained,
that man did not have a moustache.
He did, however, have a flag pin.
But...
But he did not have a moustache.
And I can see that you do.
You're hired, Stan.
Or should I say,
"Mr Night Watchman?"
BOTH LAUGHING
MOUSTACHE TEARS OFF
Yeesh. Kind of creepy in here
at night.
You like looking at my wife?
Huh, you little perv?
Well, it's over! I'm gonna take
this painting home and destroy it!
Ah, that was easy.
Did you hear what that oaf said?
I'm not interested
in his wife's vagina.
I'm completely homosexual.
All art is gay.
STRANGE LAUGHING
GRUNTING
SQUEAKING
Where the BLEEP are my arms?
A shocking crime
at the Langley Museum.
The famous
Portrait Of Francine's Genitals...
Hi, Francine! ..has been stolen.
He made me feel so beautiful.
Francine, we already lost
the painting.
Don't go losing your cool.
WHISTLING
Stan, have you seen
my lucky jock strap?
The rumours are true,
I'm Delmarva-bound.
Hey, the painting we stole!
Are you torching it?
This painting has brought me
nothing but embarrassment.
I don't want anyone
to ever see it again.
Not even one person?
Like a rich, shady buyer
with 100K to burn?
He's not gonna want anyone to know
he has it.
No-one else would ever see it.
Mm...
I'm calling my coke dealer.
Wow, he can afford the painting?
Oh, yeah, maybe he could
buy the painting!
Hi, I have some, er,
pretty serious concerns
about the flow through on the 6500.
WOMAN: Sounds like you know
your stuff.
Here at Tunze, we pride ourselves
on flow through,
and will beat any competitor
on suction.
Haha. What... What was that?
Why don't I walk you through it?
What's your name?
I'm Steve. I'm Lindsey.
Well, actually, we're up to
the 6900 now.
That baby satisfies everyone.
It gobbles up dirt and filth,
and when you can see the chamber's
about to be at overflow,
you just shoot it all out
the release shaft.
Oh. Oh, OK.
Would you mind actually walking me
through a couple other models?
Yeah, yeah, this is what
I should have in my loft, man.
This is what I should have...
A big painting of a woman's just...
Thing just hanging
right there, right?
Yep, exactly.
Listen, could we hurry this up?
I... I really can't have my wife...
Stan,
have you seen Rusty's
lucky jock strap?
What is that?
Er...
You stole the painting?
Oh, man!
What a busted scene.
Get out of here, Delmonico!
You know Delmonico?
Everybody knows Delmonico!
Francine, I can explain...
At least when you wanted to
get rid of it, it was about privacy!
But now, trying to sell it
to our coke dealer?
I see you don't have
any principles at all!
Oh... Wow.
Well, I'm gonna go see
if I can sell Francine some drugs.
What am I doing here?
I need a hard look at myself.
You sure do.
Hey, would it be funny
if I was an aeroplane?
MAKES AEROPLANE NOISES
BUZZER
WOMAN: Hello?
Hi, er, Mrs Jasperterian?
You don't know me,
but I think you're the only person
who could help me right now.
This place really stirs something
in me.
My husband was inspired
by the vistas,
which is all the more remarkable
when you remember,
Reynolds was blind.
He... He was?
Blind as a bat.
From the day he was born.
So, he never saw
what he was painting. Nope.
Somehow that makes me feel better.
He painted by touch.
Excuse me?
Yes, he was very tactile.
He really wanted to get his hands
all over anything he was painting,
get the feel of it.
Rub it.
Pull it between his fingers.
CHOKES
You OK, Stan?
No, I'm not!
You're talking about my wife!
No, I'm talking about what
Reynolds did to your wife's vagina.
He took it
and he turned it into art.
Once it's art,
it's not your wife anymore.
Huh.
I never thought about it like that.
Look, let me ask you this, Stan...
Once the plaster cast dried,
was that mug still my butthole?
Steve, how's the filter coming?
The fresh water's nice, but
it's already getting dirty again.
What? Oh, I'm not doing that now.
No, your voice!
But that means...
Let's just say I hope Lindsey's call
was monitored and recorded,
cos it was sexy as hell!
Oh, Steve.
You sound just like Lindsey.
DOOR SLAMS
STAN: Of course, you all know
the story of this painting.
Stolen, missing, but then returned.
Bad luck for you, Stan.
Now we get to see your wife's
trapper-keeper whenever we wish.
Mm.
Art can have a powerful effect
on people.
I like to think the thief,
whoever he was,
took a good, long look
at this painting,
and he realised...
Jasperterian truly did
capture and share
the most extraordinary beauty
in the world.
Angela, let's take one last trip
to Paris.
It's boota-ful!
Maybe, Duncan, we can be...
More than friends.
VOMITS
Sorry, Candace.
Don't apologise...
I'm a barf babe.
Jasperterian transformed
something intimate
into something we can all share.
But only I get the real thing.
Mmm!
MAN: There's the maniac
who tried to steal the painting!
Where?
Subtitles by TVT
cos I'm never wrong about oatmeal.
SLURPING
You know, you really can taste
a difference with the steel-cut.
Thank you.
Thank you for trusting me to
take you on this breakfast journey.
Shit!
Ugh, excuse you?
They did it. They finally did it.
Finally made a Junior Jumble
you couldn't master, huh?
Here, let me take a look.
They freaking did it!
Did what?
The Langley Falls Art Museum
has acquired...
The paintings...
Of Reynolds...
..Jasperterian.
Who's that?
It's philistine attitudes like that,
that have kept this rinky-dink burg
off the cultural map!
Roger, please, your tone!
You know who's the best artist?
Gary Larson.
He took us all to the far side
and kept us chuckling.
SIGHS
You know, Roger,
I knew Reynolds Jasperterian.
You did?
Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit.
Francine, do we have any honey?
FOOTSTEPS
SQUIRTS
SPITS FOOD OUT
What?
You knew Reynolds Jasperterian?!
Knew him? He painted my portrait.
Ahem! The Smiths are going
to the art museum!
That includes me.
I took Hayley's last name.
I'm the wife!
PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS
# Good morning, U. S. A.
# I got a feeling that it's gonna be
A wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
To the American race
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say
# Good morning, U. S. A. #
# Good morning, U. S. A. #
MAN: Fearing it was hurting his art,
Jasperterian spurned the party scene
of New York City.
But he died anyway,
of party-related diseases,
in the arms of the wife
he had so often humiliated.
Roger, I'm surprised.
I thought Reynolds Jasperterian
was gonna be you.
I gotta tell you, I did, too.
GASPS
Oh, Reynolds.
Big whoop. I'm in the CIA.
CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING
What's this line for?
To see Jasperterian's masterpiece.
Does it have two funny animals
and a joke?
A fat kid wearing glasses and
a hilarious observation underneath?
If not, I'm like that T-Rex watching
the asteroid hurl towards Earth.
Ugh, cheque, please.
No! It's his
"Portrait Of Francine's Genitals."
Wait, what?
Astounding.
What an achievement.
MUSIC JINGLE
No! All of you, stop looking!
Don't look at this! This is private!
Take your eyes off this!
CLATTERING
MAN: Clean-up on aisle mid-century,
post-Modernism.
Nobody look!
SCREAMING
Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you kids,
the portrait is of my box.
STEVE: I can't unsee any of this,
can I?
Where did you get that
falafel pitta?
I had it in my pocket.
LAUGHING
Ah, Stan Smith, the fellow
whose wife's pudenda we all saw
on the wall of the art museum.
I also got the tote bag.
And I stuffed it with zucchinis.
I thought last year's
Matisse exhibition was a thrill.
But to witness a Jasperterian
in person...
You shut your filthy mouth!
SMASHING
Ooh, yes. It's going to be
a very amusing day.
Argh!
Oh, what a day.
This is some day, I'll tell ya.
Steve, what are you doing out there?
Yeah, you're usually in your room
moaning at some mysterious activity.
Well, I had my normal afternoon
all planned out.
Shades were drawn,
my favourite pages were bookmarked
and waiting for me.
My Korean micro-fiber polishing
mitten rinsed out and almost dry.
I untied the drawstring
of my loose-fitting Gypsy pants...
OK, set the scene less.
But there was one problem...
No matter what I looked at,
all I saw was...
That painting.
SCREAMS
I think I'm broken!
It's no big deal, Steve.
Mom's always flashing me that thing.
"Does this look right to you?"
Ew.
Maybe you can use
your newfound time to help people.
Like how I'm helping Jeff with his
colouring. I'm ready for red now.
Are you sure you're done
with the green?
Wait! One more thing.
HUMMING
You! You embarrassed me
in front of everybody!
By making London broil?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't drag
your delicious London broil
into a conversation about
that filthy painting!
Are you still upset about that?
That painting was years ago.
Besides, it's an honour
to inspire great art.
I don't intend to share my property
with the low-brow pond scum
that frequent art museums.
I'm sorry, Stan, did you say,
"Your property?"
Well, yeah. That part of you
is owned by me.
That's what our wedding
was all about, right?
I hope you can learn
to enjoy the portrait, Stan,
because you don't deserve to enjoy
the real thing!
Francine, wait!
KLAUS: Oh, hi, Francine.
Excited for that London broil.
Oh, OK, you're storming upstairs.
Francine! She stormed upstairs
in a huff, Stan!
Oh, but maybe you'd like to come in,
chat with your friend Klaus.
Maybe clean my bowl!
Yeah, maybe. Let me think it over.
OK. It's just that Roger's
minor-league baseball character,
Rusty Buntafolio, spits tobacco
in my bowl when he's frustrated.
DOOR SLAMS
Oh, hey, Rusty. How was the game?
RUSTY: Horrible! Argh!
They pulled me after one pitch.
My arm feels like
a sock full of sand.
They're sending me down to Delmarva,
I just know it.
Rusty, please!
SPITTING
I don't understand!
You have an empty Slurpee cup!
WOMAN: It's so brave, you know.
To empower a woman's body
through art.
Yeah. I... I love how...
How it's so feminist.
We're just friends, Duncan.
Right, right, definitely.
Hey.
Is this truly a great painting?
Er, yeah. Definitely.
I... I mean, the way the artist
takes her most private space
and exposes it for all of us
to consume.
You sick little man!
Ugh!
Not in front of my girlfriend!
Your what?
My nothing.
Art fan, huh?
Me too. I love art.
Stealing it, that is.
Tato Montacello, art heist guy.
Of course! Steal the painting!
Exactly. And I'm gonna help you,
because, are you ready?
This is a good one. I cannot believe
this hasn't been in a movie already.
Stealing art is...
The greatest art of all.
Oh, screw you, Stan!
If Gary Larson drew a cow with
curlers in its hair saying that,
you'd be dying!
CHUCKLES
Cheque, please.
LAUGHING
ENGINE REVS
So, you want to steal a painting?
Well, you're gonna need a crew.
And the crew is here in Monaco?
Oh, we're just in Monaco,
because Monaco is where
you have this conversation.
Most of the crew is Jersey-based.
Now, you need a crew you can trust.
But trust among art thieves?
Let's just say,
it's rarer than a Picasso.
Are Picassos rare?
Wait, we could've had
this conversation in the kitchen?
Oh, please! You wanted this trip,
you needed this trip.
What, with the stress you have
going on with the painting?
Stan, trust me, you needed to relax.
And the walking tour?
You didn't enjoy that?
I was impressed by the walking tour.
Exactly! That's the Monaco
most tourists don't get to see.
Anyway, we should really be
getting back. Our flight's in, like,
an hour and a half. Damn it,
we're gonna be late! Hold on!
SCREECHING TYRES
SNIFFLING
Are you crying?
What? Of course not!
Because Stan and Roger
have time to fly to Monaco,
but no time to change my bowl water?
You think I'm crying
because of that?
Helping Klaus.
That could count as helping people.
Oh, it definitely counts.
Don't doubt yourself for a second.
Helping others is my new hobby
ever since I saw
the painting of Mom's junk.
Sure, sure. Whatever road
brought you here.
Ugh! This is filthy!
Shouldn't you have a bowl
with a filter?
All that aquarium stuff?
Yes. Yes, I should.
But that might be expensive.
Let's agree to go to the store,
but maybe not buy anything.
Yes!
A small win for Klaus!
He was a phenomenal talent,
but to me, he was just... Reynolds.
Mmm, yes.
And you'd say you opened up to him?
LAUGHING
I admit this is
the Art History Minor talking,
but I would really like to hear
about Jasperterian's ideas on...
THUD
You shut your filthy mouth, Dick!
Stan!
Relax, Smith. Just art lovers
discussing the glorious painting
of your wife's thing-a-ma-boo.
Although, I must apologise for Dick.
He was out of line.
Well, we're off to
the Mapplethorpe exhibit at the Met.
With any luck,
that will get us hard.
Francine, can't you see
you're embarrassing me?
Genitals aren't something
that should be shown to the world!
They're not called show-nitals.
The term, "genitals",
comes from the Aladdin word genie,
and like a genie, they should
only come out when they're rubbed.
Stan, you're embarrassing yourself.
Ahem...
Tato Montacello, art heist... Wait,
did I already do my introduction?
Yeah, we went to Monaco.
Really? Long way to go
to meet somebody.
Anyway, tonight,
we make that painting disappear!
To pull off this heist,
we need muscle.
The Ignatiev Twins
weigh 700 pounds combined,
and grew up eating raw horse meat
in Dagestan.
They still love horse meat.
It's disgusting.
Their breath smells like horse meat.
Whatever, it's one night,
you'll survive.
Next, we need a lockpick.
Claude Verdeer is the Belgian with
the smallest fingers in the world.
It's gross,
and he always wants to shake hands.
But I know he can tell that
I don't wanna shake hands.
Whatever, it's one night,
you'll survive.
Then we'll need an explosives guy.
We can either get
Bang Bang Fukanawa or Josh.
Fine, get Bang Bang Fukanawa.
Wait, why do we need
an explosives guy?
Won't the Belgian guy get us in?
Mm, good point.
I thought we agreed
no explosives guy?
Right...
Josh, wait!
EXPLOSION
Josh? The guy we didn't need was
supposed to be Bang Bang Fukanawa.
Oh, so I was second choice?
Look, you're here and he's not.
Chicharito,
the Guatemalan contortionist.
Finally,
we need a sexually explosive,
unpredictable woman.
PHONE ALERT TONE
Tato, it's PayPal.
Payment no go through.
Hmm. Well, do you accept...
KARATE CHOPS?
LIGHT THUD
WHISPERS: Stan, finish him off.
That's the last time
you screw me, Tato.
ALARM BLARES
Mmm...
Maybe one more time.
SCREAMS
MAN: Hey!
PANTING
OK, let's give each other notes
on the heist.
Stan, good job, but I thought
you could've worn a better outfit.
What else? I'd work with Josh again.
Look, thanks for the help, Roger,
but this is a solo job.
A solo job?
Sounds like Steve
before he got into helping people.
I wonder if he's still doing that.
Argh!
We're talking top-to-bottom
tank renovation, here.
Steve, what's gotten into you?
Your skin is clearer,
your voice sounds deeper.
It started happening once I stopped
touching myself all the time.
Funny, I find the more I touch
myself, the deeper my voice gets.
Now, let's talk about
premium aquarium filters.
Sounds like what you want
is a Tunze AquaWind.
You sure?
Cos I been hearing good things
about the new DeSanio's.
CHUCKLES
Sure, if you want to replace it
every four weeks.
Sounds like I better do
a little more research.
You know, it's really weird
that you own an aquarium store.
The regulars here think
it's weird I'm a principal.
Excuse me.
I'd like to see somebody
about getting a painting taken down.
I'm sick of arguing about it
with my husband.
It makes him... Uncomfortable.
An uncomfortable husband?
The director will want to hear
about this straightaway!
SNIFFLING
Excuse me, are you crying?
Er, yes, I suppose I was.
It's just...
This reminds me of my genitals
when they were young and flush.
PENCIL SCRATCHING
Are you copying this painting?
Trying...
It's an assignment for class.
"Copy the masters."
But, gosh, I'm no Jasperterian.
How did he know what to leave out?
It's boota-ful!
PANTING
There you are.
Our director will see you
in just a moment.
PANTING
The woman changed her mind.
Sylvia, we have an intercom.
That portrait certainly does
inspire intense fascination.
Last night,
we had a thwarted robbery attempt.
Oh, no!
I'm afraid so.
Hence the need
for another security guard.
We're lucky you walked in.
And with your CIA experience.
Now, you do resemble a maniac
our guards...
Right, but as I explained,
that man did not have a moustache.
He did, however, have a flag pin.
But...
But he did not have a moustache.
And I can see that you do.
You're hired, Stan.
Or should I say,
"Mr Night Watchman?"
BOTH LAUGHING
MOUSTACHE TEARS OFF
Yeesh. Kind of creepy in here
at night.
You like looking at my wife?
Huh, you little perv?
Well, it's over! I'm gonna take
this painting home and destroy it!
Ah, that was easy.
Did you hear what that oaf said?
I'm not interested
in his wife's vagina.
I'm completely homosexual.
All art is gay.
STRANGE LAUGHING
GRUNTING
SQUEAKING
Where the BLEEP are my arms?
A shocking crime
at the Langley Museum.
The famous
Portrait Of Francine's Genitals...
Hi, Francine! ..has been stolen.
He made me feel so beautiful.
Francine, we already lost
the painting.
Don't go losing your cool.
WHISTLING
Stan, have you seen
my lucky jock strap?
The rumours are true,
I'm Delmarva-bound.
Hey, the painting we stole!
Are you torching it?
This painting has brought me
nothing but embarrassment.
I don't want anyone
to ever see it again.
Not even one person?
Like a rich, shady buyer
with 100K to burn?
He's not gonna want anyone to know
he has it.
No-one else would ever see it.
Mm...
I'm calling my coke dealer.
Wow, he can afford the painting?
Oh, yeah, maybe he could
buy the painting!
Hi, I have some, er,
pretty serious concerns
about the flow through on the 6500.
WOMAN: Sounds like you know
your stuff.
Here at Tunze, we pride ourselves
on flow through,
and will beat any competitor
on suction.
Haha. What... What was that?
Why don't I walk you through it?
What's your name?
I'm Steve. I'm Lindsey.
Well, actually, we're up to
the 6900 now.
That baby satisfies everyone.
It gobbles up dirt and filth,
and when you can see the chamber's
about to be at overflow,
you just shoot it all out
the release shaft.
Oh. Oh, OK.
Would you mind actually walking me
through a couple other models?
Yeah, yeah, this is what
I should have in my loft, man.
This is what I should have...
A big painting of a woman's just...
Thing just hanging
right there, right?
Yep, exactly.
Listen, could we hurry this up?
I... I really can't have my wife...
Stan,
have you seen Rusty's
lucky jock strap?
What is that?
Er...
You stole the painting?
Oh, man!
What a busted scene.
Get out of here, Delmonico!
You know Delmonico?
Everybody knows Delmonico!
Francine, I can explain...
At least when you wanted to
get rid of it, it was about privacy!
But now, trying to sell it
to our coke dealer?
I see you don't have
any principles at all!
Oh... Wow.
Well, I'm gonna go see
if I can sell Francine some drugs.
What am I doing here?
I need a hard look at myself.
You sure do.
Hey, would it be funny
if I was an aeroplane?
MAKES AEROPLANE NOISES
BUZZER
WOMAN: Hello?
Hi, er, Mrs Jasperterian?
You don't know me,
but I think you're the only person
who could help me right now.
This place really stirs something
in me.
My husband was inspired
by the vistas,
which is all the more remarkable
when you remember,
Reynolds was blind.
He... He was?
Blind as a bat.
From the day he was born.
So, he never saw
what he was painting. Nope.
Somehow that makes me feel better.
He painted by touch.
Excuse me?
Yes, he was very tactile.
He really wanted to get his hands
all over anything he was painting,
get the feel of it.
Rub it.
Pull it between his fingers.
CHOKES
You OK, Stan?
No, I'm not!
You're talking about my wife!
No, I'm talking about what
Reynolds did to your wife's vagina.
He took it
and he turned it into art.
Once it's art,
it's not your wife anymore.
Huh.
I never thought about it like that.
Look, let me ask you this, Stan...
Once the plaster cast dried,
was that mug still my butthole?
Steve, how's the filter coming?
The fresh water's nice, but
it's already getting dirty again.
What? Oh, I'm not doing that now.
No, your voice!
But that means...
Let's just say I hope Lindsey's call
was monitored and recorded,
cos it was sexy as hell!
Oh, Steve.
You sound just like Lindsey.
DOOR SLAMS
STAN: Of course, you all know
the story of this painting.
Stolen, missing, but then returned.
Bad luck for you, Stan.
Now we get to see your wife's
trapper-keeper whenever we wish.
Mm.
Art can have a powerful effect
on people.
I like to think the thief,
whoever he was,
took a good, long look
at this painting,
and he realised...
Jasperterian truly did
capture and share
the most extraordinary beauty
in the world.
Angela, let's take one last trip
to Paris.
It's boota-ful!
Maybe, Duncan, we can be...
More than friends.
VOMITS
Sorry, Candace.
Don't apologise...
I'm a barf babe.
Jasperterian transformed
something intimate
into something we can all share.
But only I get the real thing.
Mmm!
MAN: There's the maniac
who tried to steal the painting!
Where?
Subtitles by TVT